Saturday, October 25, 2008

The Bad Guys Won

In a game that set offensive football back 50 years Penn State beat Ohio State 13-6 in Columbus. With no tough games left (Iowa, Indiana, Michigan State) and no conference title game, the Nittaly Lions should cruise to the BCS National Title Game where they'll get the chance to restore the Big Ten's reputation.
(Note: I don't expect both Texas and Alabama to remain unbeaten.)
But, the biggest challenge for the State Penn may come off the field where they'll have to keep their players out of jail, which isn't such an easy thing for them to do lately.
So congratulations to Freedo, Nails, JLeary and any other Penn State alums who are sounding out the words to this post.
And Buckeye Nation, I move to revoke Pizza Parlor Bob's passport. Ohio State NEVER wins when he's in Columbus.

Weekly Picks

My first disaster last week. It happens, that's why they call it gambling. I did salvage the week winning 2 games and getting 1 point but using up a lot of luck in the process. A late safety pushed the Giants over the spread and a garbage touchdown gave me the Seahawks. There are a lot of juicy games this week but sometimes those games look good but kill you in the long run. I have added incentive this week as I am making the picks for Papa Poop this week because he is on a cruise. He has 7 points so far this year so anything I give him would be gravy as he insists on not trying to play for last place (which pays about $300). By the way, the pool's current leader is Brother-in-law Derick with 26 points, my total would be good for second place so far.

tampa bay +2 DALLAS
I can't believe Dallas is favored over anyone right now. They are in absolute shambles right now. And the Bucs are a damn good team. And a team not prone to mistakes. I thought Brad Johnson could come in and steady the team but that didn't happen last week and I don't think it will happen this time either.

I don't get this spread either. I know a lot of bookmaking is based on reputation and not necessarily the results on the field. But so far this season you'd probably have to say the Falcons are the better team. Even if you want to give the Eagles, three points, I could see it, maybe even a touchdown, but 9 points? That makes no sense to me.

TENNESSEE -3 1/2 indianapolis
Last week I made the mistake of thinking the Colts were back. I learned better. But my whole philosophy of picking is that teams don't perform the same way every week. But I really love the way the Titans are playing and I think they are well-positioned to exploit the Colts' biggest weakness, specifically trouble on the offenseive line.

NEW ENGLAND -7 1/2 st. louis
Maybe New England woke up out of their slumber and Matt Cassel figured it out and gained some confidence Monday Night. Or maybe the Rams have completely turned their season around under Jim Haslett and will win this game for their third straight win, all of which were against playoff teams from last year.

buffalo -1 1/2 MIAMI

I know the Dolphins legitimately have some life to them, especially as compared to last year. And I know their Wildcat offense is supposedly unstoppable. But have you looked at the records? The Bills are 5-1 and they are a damn good team. Trent Edwards is playing great, and not making mistakes and they are finding ways to win. Division games are always tough but I think the Bills will win this one.

Last week: 2-3 (1 point)
Season: 20-15 (25 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (6-1)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (7-5)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-0)
Road Favorites: 0-3 (6-4)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (5-5)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (0-1)

What I Should Have Said Theater

Dana White, President of the UFC, on the demise of EliteXC:

"I'm glad this organization folded because they were bringing disrepute to the sport that I love. These bastards who ran EliteXC were not interested in the beauty of the sport, they were only interested in cashing in on what I worked so hard to create. The poor quality of fights, the allegations of match-fixing, all threatened to destroy the reputation of mixed martial arts that I helped build. So I'm glad they're gone. They built their entire organization around one guy, one guy who was a complete fraud, a guy I said I would never have in the UFC. But right now I'm going to go back on my word. I'm going to offer Kimbo Slice $100,000 for one fight. A one-shot-deal against Gabriel Gonzaga on the undercard of the biggest fight in UFC history, Randy Couture against Brock Lesnar. So when this Kimbo fight ends in 14 seconds at least the fans won't be disappointed this time."

Suicide and Lying: Two More Things Isiah Thomas Sucks At

Seeing as how Isiah Thomas has failed at everything he's done for the past 15 years it wouldn't surprise me too much if he tried to kill himself. After the embarrassment he brought on himself, his family and the Knicks with his sexual harrassment and poor job performance that almost destroyed the franchise, Thomas took 10 sleeping pills.
Police in Harrison, New York were called to his house and rushed a 47-year-old man to the hospital because he overdose on the prescription sleeping pill Lunesta.
Thomas denied he was the person taken to the hospital, saying it was actually his 17-year-old daughter. But that she did not overdose and did not attempt suicide.
Harrison Police Chief David Hall said "I understand that this person claims it was his daughter; he is lying. It was definitely not his daughter, it was a male. We know the difference between a 47-year-old black male and a young black female."
Hall does agree that it wasn't a suicide attempt, but why would someone take 10 sleeping pills, unless they never wanted to wake up?

Why Mrs. Poop's Grandmother Loved Hockey

A devastating hit by the Boston Bruins Milan Lucic sends Mike Van Ryn of the Toronto Maple Leafs (only gramatically incorrect team name in pro sports) through the glass.

Two fans got glass in their face and were taken to the hospital. The rest of the fans in that section got moved to a luxury box while they replaced the glass.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Spelling Counts

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers honored one of their former greats by putting Mike Alstott's jersey in the "Ring of Honor." However they spelled Alstott's name wrong on the old-school creamsicle jersey. After everyone in the media ripped the team for the error, the Bucs let everyone in on the joke. That incorrect spelling was featured on his jersey in his first two games with the team back in 1996, so they purposely recreated the mistake for this ceremony.

An Ounce of Prevention Equals a Pound of Cure

NFL players, past and present, have got to be the dumbest group of people in the whole entire world. Maybe it comes from being hit in the head so often.
After years of complaining that the league's care for injured retirees was insufficient, there now come cries from many players to ease up on the fines for dirty and late hits.
The idea here is simple, prevent blows to the heads, prevent blindside and late hits help the players avoid serious injury, so they don't become crippled and incapaciated later in life.
It seems however that the players want to hurt and kill each other than get paid handsomely while they spend their later years drinking their meals through a straw.
The league is doing the right thing here. The players are idiots. Mark Schlereth's rant makes no sense. Of course the league is trying to protect itself, but it's also trying to protect the players. Of course it wants to market hard hits, it's part of the beauty of the game, but the league is trying to walk a fine line by keeping the hitting that makes the sport great, but limiting those hits that are most likely to cause serious injury.
And then you have schmucks like Mike Ditka, who has been one of the most vocal critics of the disability system, saying they should get rid of facemasks. Maybe if shots to the head had been so strictly legislated against when he was playing he wouldn't say such stupid things now.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Punch That Knocked Out a Company

When Seth Petruzelli delivered the punch that knocked out Kimbo Slice and shattered the toughman's image, he also put a TKO on Elite XC and its parent company ProElite.
ProElite closed its doors this week, declaring bankruptcy, facing $55 million in debt and with its main drawing card disgraced, no real way to make that money back.
I'm disappointed for two reasons. First, I was at the first EliteXC card on CBS, what at the time I thought would be a watershed moment for MMA. My thinking was, even if EliteXC fails, it could force the UFC to step up and put more of its product on TV.
Second reason being, that's never going to happen.
Selfishly as a casual MMA fan who is never going to spend $480 a year on UFC PPVs I had really hoped we would see more MMA on broadcast and cable TV.
So now the best I can hope for is that Affliction (the fledgling competitor to the UFC, with real talent) seizes the opportunity and takes the last spot CBS had planned to give to EliteXC.
As bad as some people say it was, EliteXC's 3 cards on CBS all drew pretty good ratings for a Saturday night, not great, but better than the mainstream sports it competed against.
I would even love to see Affliction put its top draw, Fedor, up against Kimbo on CBS. Though I'm not sure the network would want to televise an execution.

Why Joba Needed the Beer Goggles

Yankees phenom Joba Chamberlain got arrested for DUI in Lincoln, Nebraska with a blood alcohol level of .134.
Turns out he may have been drinking himself into a stupor in order to help him enjoy some of Lincoln's finest hos. He was on his way home from the "Night Before Lounge" after already having down a couple of Grey Goose drinks at another bar.
But it may have been a Red Sox fan that really sent Joba over the edge.
The NY Post reports that another fellow degenerate at the strip club said "Too bad you didn't play for the Red Sox. Otherwise, you wouldn't be sitting here in a strip club in Nebraska."
That set Joba off, literally, as he set off in his 2006 BMW 750i, despite pleas from his friends that he was not ok to drive.

Horny Moose Tries to Bang a Car

People attending a conference at the Windsor Institute in New Hampshire got a surprise, as a moose decided one of their pickup trucks was really attractive.

Mike Dunbar, owner of the business, said the moose got pretty amorous with a red Ford F150 truck.

“It kind of circled the truck. It put one leg up and then a second front leg. After a few minutes, it became obvious what was going on. The people here for classes came outside and started taking pictures. The guy who owned the truck kept beeping his alarm, hoping it would scare it off but I guess (the moose) thought it was the call of the wild.”

Dunbar said the moose eventually wandered off, leaving embarrassed owner Michael Speck with a scratched up truck.

I guess those rumors you've heard about moose dick are not true

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Let's Get the World Series Started

I love baseball. I love the World Series. I am excited about it. I don't care which two teams are playing, I can't wait to watch the games.
The coverage leading up to this series typifies everything I hate about the mainstream sports media. They seem to hate sports. All they can talk about is what a ratings nightmare this is for Fox. Who gives a shit about the ratings?
If it's a good series I'll enjoy watching it, even if I'm the only one.
I don't hear hardly anyone talking about the unlikelihood of the Rays stunning reversal of fortune in one year going from worst to beating the Red Sox and Yankees and maybe becoming the World Series champion.
And if that's not enough reason to root for the plucky Rays and their roster full of young up and coming superstars, they are playing the Phillies.
The most reviled, disgusting hideous fan base in all the world hasn't won a championship in 25 years. Because they don't deserve it.
I'll be watching because I want to see those awful fans suffer some more.
I want to see the start of a Rays dynasty.
I want to see David Price face Chase Utley and Ryan Howard protecting a 1-run lead in the 9th inning of every single game.
I don't care about Fox's ratings or if these idiot newspaper writers don't care about it because they don't think the two teams are high-profile enough.

Brett Favre is Killing His Legacy Little By Little

So Brett Favre got caught in another embarrassing situation by being a petty little bitch and then of course, lying about it.
Favre reportedly spoke to former Lions GM Matt Millen and offered him tips on how to beat the Packers. Favre said he didn't know it, but there were several coaches listening in to this conversation on speaker phone.
Fox's Jay Glazer broke this story saying that Millen called Favre, then Favre called him back and they spoke for 60 to 90 minutes.
When NBC's and SI's Peter King texted Favre about it, Favre responded "total BS." And that's what Peter King reported. And now Favre made him look like a douche by saying the BS part was only referring to the part about him calling Millen.
ESPN is also catching heat for not even reporting this story at all. I really can't blame them because they heard the story reported by another network's employee. I'm sure they called Favre and the Lions and got denials and no comments. So they really had no choice but to bury the story. I guess ESPN could have reported the story and said according to their sources it's completely not true.
Unfortunately their boy Favre sold them out, same as he did to Peter King.
And same as he did to the Packers.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Brian Collins never gave up on his dream

Back when I was at Syracuse studying to be a broadcast journalism major I took a class senior year that required us to basically put on a local news style newscast, rotating jobs on a weekly basis. The next day in class we would watch the newscasts and critique them. My most embarrassing moment came when someone left the script to a package we had just aired in the teleprompter.
So after we see the package, I think I'm moving on to the next story, but I'm actually reading the script of the story we just saw. After about 2 sentences I realized the error, stopped reading, smirked, chuckled, looked down through my scripts and tried to find the correct story. This lasted about 10 seconds. 10 seconds that the professor played about 10 times in class.
I may have deserved this ridicule because the previous week I had agitated for the professor to replay repeatedly a gaffe involving two girls who began speaking at the same time (neither one of them could be understood) then they both stopped for a few seconds, and started speaking again at the exact same time. So it sounded like this (fadsghasogheiuoghawioghdsghadsgfdsk - 5 second awkward pause - fhadsjahigiudwghadsgkjadsgadsgadsjfnask), until one of them stopped and the other continued reading.
All of this is goes to say that the first time I saw this now famous clip of Brian Collins doing sports for the campus station at Ball State University, yes I laughed heartily, but I also cried a little on the inside.

Thankfully, my embarrassing moment was not nearly as bad, nor was it put on the internet and viewed millions of times (even before youtube made viewing things millions of times so easy).
So it does my heart good to report to you that Brian "Boom Goes the Dynamite" Collins has put this sorry episode behind him and is now a news reporter in Waco, Texas.

But he still has a little work to do on his delivery.

Song of the Week

"Lacville '79" - Devin the Dude
It's nice to be exposed to different kinds of music every once in a while. I hope you will enjoy this laid back Houston rapper.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What I Should Have Said Theater

John McCain and more specifically Sarah Palin have been trying to attack Barack Obama on his ties to Bill Ayers (a former, though currently unrepetant domestic terrorist) and Reverend Jeremiah Wright (a preacher who has delivered anti-American and anti-white sermons). But those attacks have largely backfired. Because they delivered them wrong, this is how McCain should have done it.

"The real issue here is not whether Senator Obama should have walked out of church during Reverend Wright's sermon, or whether he shouldn't have held a campaign fundraiser in Bill Ayers's living room. What matters is that these people support Obama. Why does Reverend Wright love Obama so much? Why did Bill Ayers launch Obama's political career in his living room. Why did Louis Farrakhan call Obama the messiah? Why did Jesse Jackson say Obama would take power away from "Zionists?" Because they want to drastically change this country. And that's what Senator Obama has been telling them he would do for the past two years. Change, change, change, change, change. Now I want change too, but the kind of change I want is more honesty in Washington. No more earmarks. No more partisan bickering holding up crucial legislation. But that's not the kind of change Wright, Ayers and Farrakhan want. Will they get what they want in an Obama Administration? I don't know. But they think they will. And that's why Barack Obama is too risky for America."

Maybe He Had Friends Watching at Buffalo Wild Wings

SEC official Wilbur Hackett is an internet sensation for this hit on South Carolina's Stephen Garcia.

I refuse to believe that Hackett was involved in something nefarious (South Carolina scored a few plays later) because he's been involved with SEC football for 40 years, there's no reason to believe he would choose now, this way to throw a game.

So what did happen? I don't believe that Hackett was just bracing himself for a hit. He clearly moved up and into the contact. Perhaps he just had a flashback to his playing days and saw a quarterback and instinctively tried to take him down.

Or some buddies of his were having a good time watching the game at Buffalo Wild Wings and asked Wilbur to keep it going. Or LSU offered him a Bud Light.

The NFL is Poop - Week 7

How About Dem Cowboys
I can never remember a team falling apart this completely this quickly. There were already cracks in the offensive line but Tony Romo's injury, Pacman's suspension and T.O.'s big mouth (the last 2 were to be expected) have really put this team in a tenuous position. They have now lost three of their last four games and the one win was a struggle against the Bengals. They face a tough Tampa team at home, but if they don't win that they'll go into the Meadowlands to face the Giants in big big trouble. And Tony Romo is unlikely to play in either of those games. And Wade Phillips is unlikely to still be the coach when they play the Redskins in Week 11 after their bye week.

On the Other Hand
A coaching change seemed to work out just fine for the Rams. After eking out a victory against the Redskins the Rams proved they were for real by dominating the Cowboys. They were finally able to get Stephen Jackson going, to the tune of 160 yards and 3 touchdowns. They're in a really bad division with a really good running back and they seem rejuvenated. They've already played all 4 NFC East teams (and went 2-2) so maybe big things are ahead for this team.

Where Have All the Close Games Gone?
After one of the most exciting weeks in NFL history, came this. Only two games were decided by less than a touchdown, and one of those wasn't really all that close. Six games were decided by 20 or more points.

Game of the Week
Chicago Bears 48 Minnesota Vikings 41

A big win for the Bears but sort of discouraging for their defense. They forced 5 turnovers and still only won by a touchdown. Is this the same defense that used to outscore opponents by itself? They only forced one punt, and it was blocked. The Vikings had 5 scoring drives of longer than 60 yards, and had they taken better care of the football they might have won this game. But on the other side of the coin, Kyle Orton had a huge day and he is looking to be a pretty good NFL quarterback. That has to make Bears fans wonder what might have happened if they hadn't wasted so much time with Rex Grossman.

Game of Next week
San Diego Chargers at New Orleans Saints

The fact that this game is in London adds a little drama, but the real reason why it is interesting is because these two teams are so perennially disappointing. One of them has to win here to get back to .500 but with these squads the next disappointment is likely around the corner.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
I'm actually not all that disappointed with this close win to a bad team at home. I'm disappointed that the offense has gone back in its conservative shell and despite a huge game from Clinton Portis they seemed content to play field position throughout the first half, putting together a decent drive then stalling on the one 3rd down conversion that would have put them in field goal range. But the defense was absolutely dominating. They played as perfect a game as a defense can play (without forcing any turnovers) until they went to the prevent in the 4th quarter. The Browns didn't get the ball inside the Redskins 40 until 4 minutes left in the third quarter. Their first play of more than 10 yards came just a minute before that. If the defense plays that well again this week they can avoid another huge disappointment by beating the Lions.

Cheerleader of the Week
Angeline of the St. Louis Rams Cheerleaders
Angeline's goal is to establish equality between the sexes. I take that to mean she likes to be on top. She feels very strongly about being happy, and making others happy. Once again I take that sexually.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
New York Giants 21 Tennessee Titans 20
It keeps getting closer every week. The Giants eked out another one while the Titans dominated another opponent. Both teams have tough games this week (giants at Pittsburgh and Titans host the Colts), so things could change in this space next week.

Nailin Palin

Hustler Video is at it again, going after Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. Lisa Ann has been tapped to play Serra Paylin in "Who's Nailin Paylin?"

Lisa Ann is Hustler's Sarah Palin look-alike

Paylin "will be nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back-door." In another scene -- a flashback -- "young Paylin's creationist college professor will explain a 'big bang' theory even she can't deny!" There's also a threeway with Hillary and Condoleezza look-alikes.
The part of Hilly will be played by Nina Hartley who famously had an "ass in her cock" in "Boogie Nights."

TMZ got the whole script for the movie, which doesn't read all that well. I'm guessing you have to see it for yourself.

This seems like the second greatest porn adaptation of current events, but nothing will ever beat Tobey Bryan's Backdoor Violation.

Mrs. Poop's Least Favorite Song Ever

Mrs. Poop hates "Just Like a Pill" by Pink.
The reason: because of the line "I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch."

I've tried to dissuade Mrs. Poop from this stance several times but she continues to insist that she hates Pink because "she's mean to nurses."
When I say "maybe that nurse really was being a little bitch," Mrs. Poop says "that's because Pink was probably drug seeking."
When I try to tell her that the song is just fiction and there probably never was a nurse being a little bitch, she tells me that Pink shouldn't make up mean things.
And when I told her that there probably are nurses out there that are being little bitches she replies "you don't know how hard it is, all your patients are whiny and complaining and they keep ringing the bell, and you have all this charting to do and the doctors are being so obnoxious and you don't even have a chance to sit down or have something to eat. If the nurse was being a little bitch it's probably because she was having a bad day."

But recently Mrs. Poop has begun to warm up to that song, ever since hearing the version by Cascada (a European group that does dance version covers of popular songs).

Shows you the power of a good beat you can shake your ass to.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Maybe He's Not the Chosen One

After 14 illness-free months to start his life (a pretty long way for a baby to go without so much as a sniffle) Chase has come down with his first illness.
The little poop has croup.
It confused us because it happened concurrently with teething (which also causes fever and discomfort) but he kept waking up during the middle of the night (something he NEVER does) and Sunday morning Mrs. Poop's dad noticed Chase was wheezing.
The doctor gave him steroids (not Barry Bonds roids), we took him for a walk in the fresh cold air, gave him a steamy hot bath and humidified his room during the night.
I also made him some chicken soup (he doesn't love the soup but likes the chicken, carrots and matzo balls) and since he's Jewish that should make him feel better immediately.
He's already got some of his normal pep back which is nice to see.
Not that I'm happy at all he's sick, but he is kind of cute when he's looking all helpless and mopey, and barking like a seal. But hopefully by tomorrow he'll be back to crazy and running and barking like a dog.

The Magic is Back

After a couple of subpar episodes to start the season "How I Met Your Mother" returned to its former glory with "Intervention."
The thing I love about this show is even when they do ridiculous stuff, it's written creatively and intelligently. The "Barney from the Future" gimmick was absolutely hysterical.
The writers just have a creative way of telling a story. This show is so much better at illustrating a point than any other show on TV. Their liberal use of flashbacks always keeps the show moving.
When explaining the hole in the wall, they made you believe it was Robin playing hockey, or Robin and Lilly fighting, but then we realized it was Barney fist that created the hole.

ya hoser

The series of interventions that followed (Marshall's hat, Lily's British accent, Robin's spray tanning, Barney's magic tricks) were hysterical but unfortunately it led to an emotional moment when they all told Ted they didn't want him to marry Stella.

I thoroughly enjoyed Robin's use of the word douchey. That's douchey, not doo-shay.

Of course the episode ended with a potentially weird twist, but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt here, because obviously the show needs the apartment and McLaren's. And Stella is not my mother.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

What's Up Doc?

While driving today Mrs. Poop and I noticed a vanity license plate on the car in front of us, and we couldn't agree on what it means.
The license plate said "PSY DOC."

Weekly Picks

Another very strong week keeps our hot streak going. A lot of big upsets last week, we're going to see if those teams can bounce back.

dallas -7 ST. LOUIS
I can never remember a team going through so many lineup changes in one week. They're going to be a completely different team. Thankfully for them they get to play the Rams. A really awful team coming off a win. I doubt the Rams can make it two in a row.

NEW YORK GIANTS -11 san francisco
No way in hell the Giants lose two in a row. Now the question is can they cover this huge spread. I think the Giants offense will bounce back with another huge game at home, and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see a similar score to the one they put on the Seahawks 2 weeks ago.

indianapolis -1 1/2 GREEN BAY
I think the Colts and Peyton Manning are back.

seattle +11 TAMPA BAY
I just don't love the Buccaneers offense that much. I know the Seahawks are putrid but we only need them to keep it close.

new york jets -3 OAKLAND

This is a pretty small spread. As overrated as I think the Jets are, and as bad as Brett Favre is with turning the ball over, I can't see them losing to the Raiders. They still have to win by more than a field goal but I really think the Raiders are that bad, as long as Favre doesn't start slinging it around, the Jets should win this game by 20.

Last week: 4-1 (5 points)
Season: 18-12 (24 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (6-0)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (6-5)
Home Underdogs: 1-0 (2-0)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (6-1)
Road Underdogs: 2-1 (4-5)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (0-1)