Monday, December 31, 2007

Thank You

2007 was a great year for the Poop.
This blog got a lot of traffic and a lot of attention, and it drew in some new Poopheads.
As cool as it is to have the occassional 1,000 hit day when a story I write gets linked somewhere, what really matters to me is the group of 15 - 20 loyal Poopheads who read and enjoy what I write.
Although, the Poop can be a pain in my ass and a burden sometimes, I really enjoy doing it.
As you all know, I have a lot to say and this forum is a great way for me to say it.
I enjoy reading stories and sharing them with you, I enjoy reading your feedback, and I enjoy bringing glory to the word Poop.
I hope 2008 will be another great year for the Poop and all the Poopheads.

It Was a Very Good Year

In 2007...

The Mets collapse down the stretch, the biggest collapse in baseball history, and miss the playoffs.

The Knicks become a laughingstock, lose a sexual harrassment suit and refuse to fire the man responsible.

Syracuse misses the tournament in basketball and goes 2-10 in football.

Michael Vick kills dogs.

Steroids ruin 15 - 20 years of baseball.

And yet it was a great year because of the birth of my son. I guess having a child puts those things in perspective. Compared to how much I love Chase none of those other things really matters all that much.

2007 Poop Person of the Year

After carefully reviewing all the nominees, the selection committee decided that the recipient of the Poop Person Of The Year Award, for outstanding contributions to the Poop is....

Chase Brennan

No other newsmaker has produced as much great material for The Poop as this 16 pound bundle of joy.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Weekly Picks

Another bad week and I am sinking like a stone. I can't afford anymore bad weeks so I offer you these picks. And one guarantee: one team that needs to win to make the playoffs will lose.

new england -14 NEW YORK GIANTS
The Patriots are incredibly motivated and the Giants are not.

cleveland -10 SAN FRANCISCO
If the 49res were good enough to win three games in a row they wouldn't have been so bad all season. The Browns need this game and I think they can generate enough offense to cover this spread.

dallas +9 WASHINGTON
This is the first time I can remember getting the chance to pick the Redskins with such a big spread. If the Redskins win by 9 or more I will be ecstatic and this loss won't mean anything to me. And if they lose, this won't be insurance because I'll still be furious but at least I'll get the point. Best case is that I could get the double whammy and the Redskins would win by 1 through 8 points.

new orleans -2 1/2 CHICAGO
The Saints should be able to put some points on the board against a Bears defense that hasn't played that great this season. I just can't see the Saints folding their tents since they play before the Redskins and Vikings do.

minnesota -3 DENVER
I think the Vikings can run on Denver and with their big guys they should be able to stop the Broncos running game. Jackson has had 2 horrible games in a row and I think he'll play better this week and I think the Vikings will take the ball out of his hands a little bit this week and pound with Peterson and Taylor against a team that looked like they gave up last week against the Chargers.

Last Week: 2-3 (3 points)
Season so far: 43-37 (45 points - T-7th, 9 points out of 1st)
Best bet: 1-0 (9-7)
Home favorites: 1-1 (18-10)
Home underdogs: 0-0 (3-1)
Road favorites: 1-2 (18-17)
Road underdogs: 0-0 (4-8)
Pick em: 0-0 (0-1)

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Your Name Here

When I started this blog more than two years ago I never imagined it would grow into the cultural force it has become. I also underestimated how popular this blog would be with Google Searchers.

At beginning, I used a lot of people's real names when talking about them on this blog. When I started getting e-mails from people looking to track down someone I decided to go with nicknames instead of real names for Poopheads. And in most cases I retroactively searched the Poop and made the adjustments.

In one case I did not.

Two years ago on this day I wished Reissberg a happy birthday. He turns 29 today, by the way.

In that post instead of "Reissberg's dad" I used his real name. Almost two years later an old friend of Reissberg's dad googled him and came across the Poop. When he contacted him he asked why when his son was born did he say to the doctor "give me my baby, asshole?"

This made an awkward moment for Reissberg who was confronted by his parents. He eventually explained how we "exaggerated" his father's rudeness and how we end every sentence said by Reissberg's dad with an "asshole," including the Concierge's "I'm enjoying my danish, asshole" at the brunch the morning after Reissberg's wedding.

Anyway, Reissberg's dad laughed off the whole incident but will definitely call me an asshole next time I see him.


In the wonderful film "Pulp Fiction" presumably set in 1993 or thereabouts, Vincent Vega, ably played by John Travolta, questions the waiter about the milkshake he deems to be overpriced.
Milk and ice cream? You don't put bourbon in it or anything?

Mrs. Poop and I went to Red Robin (Chase sleeps like a rock in that place for some reason and Mrs. Poop loves the Santa Fe burger) and Mrs. Poop ordered a milkshake. When I got the bill I saw that the milkshake cost $4.79. I assume it was just milk and ice cream, no bourbon, yet we weren't even outraged by its price.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Quickly Learning the Tricks of the Trade

Mike Conley Sr. hasn't been an agent for very long, but it seems he is already behaving like a seasoned pro.
Conley the former Olympic athlete had two clients (his only two clients) taken in the first 5 picks of last season's NBA Draft. His son Mike and Mike's best friend, Greg Oden.
Now it is being reported that Conley wanted a top 5 NFL pick as well, and was courting Arkansas running back Darren McFadden.
Arkansas officials are investigating reports that Conley bought McFadden a new Cadillac Escalade.
This may turn out to be false as the station that reported the story has since retracted it.
But the fact remains the somehow McFadden got a new Escalade a few months before the draft.
Whether it was given to him by Conley or someone else it could cost McFadden the last game of his career, the Cotton Bowl against Missouri.

Jim Leyritz Kills a Woman

Former Yankees catcher Jim Leyritz was arrested in Florida and charged with DUI manslaughter.
While I would hate to rush to judgment and prematurely convict someone of a heinous crime I want to point out the following pieces of evidence we do have.
Leyritz crashed his car a 2006 Ford Expedition into a 2000 Mitsubishi Montero.
The woman driving the Montero died. She was ejected from the car (a possible indication that she was not wearing a seat belt at the time).
The crash occurred at about 3 am on Friday morning.
Witnesses say Leyritz ran a red light.
Police say Leyritz had red, watery eyes, a flushed face and an odor of alcohol.
Leyritz was asked to sumbit to a blood test and refused.
The blood was later taken anyway.
Fredia Veitch was on her way home from her job at a steakhouse. She was the mother of 2 kids. And now she is dead.

This is why driving drunk is one of the most irresponsible and reprehensible crimes a person can commit.
If you wish to engage in reckless behavior at your own expense, that's your choice.
But too often in these cases the innocent person gets killed and the drunk driver survives.
Let's hope future evidence proves Leyritz innocent of DUI.

Fire Isiah

Any Knicks fan who is suffering through this horrible season can think of only one thing, "when will Dolan fire Isiah?"

Unfortunately, the answer is probably never. The answer often given is that Isiah just last year signed a contract extension, but really that has nothing to do with it. Dolan is just stubborn and doesn't care enough about the success or failure of the team to admit he was wrong.

The Knicks actually have a great way to fire Isiah and void his contract. All they have to do is say that he was a sexual harrasser who made the Garden's female employees uncomfortable.

They can also say that they were waiting to settle the lawsuit before firing him because they didn't want his firing to be an admission of guilt on their part.

But I have an idea that doesn't involve firing Isiah. Let him work the rest of this season and next season, but don't allow him to acquire any new players (with expensive longterm contracts). Make him suffer with this team. Then you can work on getting rid of Marbury (which is already close to happening), Crawford, Curry and Richardson as well as Jefferies and James. Then after next season fire Isiah, bring in a real GM and build a team around Randolph, Lee, Balkman and whomever you pick in the next two drafts.

There is no other way to fix the Knicks current problems because firing Isiah right now would mean hiring a GM and coach who would be hamstrung by Isiah's mistakes for the next two years. How could the Knicks get someone of quality to come in and lose 50 games for two seasons? They should make Isiah take his medicine and hire a real coach and GM at a time when the new person can actually make meaningful progress towards building a championship team.

The Poop's Person of the Year Nominations

Welcome to the First Annual Nomination meeting for The Poop's Person of the Year Award.

Who would like to make the first nomination?

Time Magazine: "The editors of Time Magazine nominate Michael Vick. Through our many years in this field we have found that incredibly stupid selections or the selection of a horrible deplorable person is the best way to gain attention."

SCZA Nation: "Since the rules prohibit me from nominating myself, even though I am very worthy, I will have to nominate Keith Hernandez for his varied, nuanced and hysterical performance as Mets broadcaster this year."

The Pride & The Pageantry: I nominate Les Miles and his gigantic onions for making this a great college football season by going for it on every 4th down even when it could have cost his team the game. Also, he made an impassioned pregame speech to the media and his team before the SEC Championship game that he would not be leaving LSU for Michigan. And he actually meant it. If you don't like Les Miles because his name is gramatically incorrect then I would like to nominate these two Arizona State fans."

Sports Illustrated: "The editors of Sports Illustrated would like to nominate Sean Taylor. We have found that the sentimental favorite always works."

Razor: "I would like to nominate Neil Patrick Harris aka NPH aka Barney Stinson aka Doogie. If there is one issue the Poop has covered in detail this year, an issue that supersedes all racial and gender boundaries (I never read the posts about sports or chicks with big boobs), it is the unifying greatness of "How I Met Your Mother." The Poop has been a driving force in expanding the show's audience and the show owes all its success to the stellar acting of NPH."

Random 9-year-old girl: "I would like to like nominate Miley Cyrus. And Hannah Montana. Like, Miley Cyrus is Hannah Montana. Like on her show she plays Miley Cyrus, even though she already is Miley Cyrus and she plays Hannah Montana. And omg what makes it like sooooo funny is that like in her real life she's also Miley Cyrus playing Hannah Montana. And in her concerts, if you can get tickets. Cuz like when she came to my town nobody could get tickets but my friend Ashley her dad like works for someone who got us tickets and at first she asked this girl Britney to go with her but then Britney like tried to steal Ashley's boyfriend so they weren't friends anymore even though they used to be like BFF. But now Ashley and I are BFF and her dad took me to the concert and it was like sooooooooo awesome. She started off as Hannah Montana then came out again as Miley Cyrus and sang all Miley songs. I love that one called "Can't Wait To See You Again." Because one time I was talking to this cute boy and I was like so nervous that I started stuttering, just like in the song. And then he asked what was wrong with me and my friend Ashley said "oh she's just being Miley." But my name isn't even Miley. But it was like so funny. Anyway, I think Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana should be your persons of the year because they are like so awesome."

The Poop: "Thank you all for your nominations. All candidates will be considered very carefully and we will have a decision very shortly."

Note: The comments made by the people indicated here are not actual comments made by the pepole indicated here, even though they sure sound like it.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Funny or Douchey?

Chet Finch of Ashland, Oregon sent out Christmas cards to 34 friends this year, like he always does. This year there was a twist however. Chet died in October and the cards had a return address of "heaven." A little presumptuous I think, but that's not really the point.
Anyway, inside Chet wrote a note about God giving him permission to send the cards, and that he'd be seeing some of them soon.
Chet had enlisted a friend to send out the cards whenever he died. Over the years he had to keep giving her more money as stamp prices went up and update his address list.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Song of the Week

"When You Were Young" - The Killers
My favorite song from Guitar Hero III
Plus it reminds Mrs. Poop of me because I don't look a thing like Jesus (except when I have the really good beard going) and I talk just like a gentleman.

Warning: This video starts with about a minute of stupidity before the song starts

Record label link

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A New Twist on the Kiss Cam

Stephanie Simpson wanted to spice up the timeout entertainment at a recent Memphis Grizzlies game at FedEx Forum. When she saw herself on the Jumbotron during a pan of the crowd she did what any woman starved for a male attention in a male dominated environment would do, she showed her tits!
The 10,000 people in attendance saw Simpson's cans (she lifted shirt and bra), which means another 8,000 - 10,000 ticket holders missed the most exciting Grizzlies game in years.
And she actually got arrested for this.
Of course the local news went nuts over this.

Christmas Spirit Does in Wallet Thief

Police in Lewiston, Idaho were trying to find a man who had taken a woman's wallet after she left it behind in a convenience store.
All they had to go on was surveillance footage of the man.
Lewiston, Idaho must be a small town because this story ran on the front page of the paper.
Right above that story (and the picture from the surveillance video) was a picture of a man painting Christmas decorations on a storefront. The caption identified him as Michael Millhouse.
And the picture looked a lot like the one of the guy who stole the wallet a little further down the front page.
The newspaper worker who noticed it called the cops, who went to visit Michael Millhouse, who confessed to stealing the wallet.
Mystery solved.

don't commit a crime when you know your picture is going to be in the paper

No Wonder They Were 4-8 This Year

Three North Carolina Tar Heels football players (names withheld) were sexually assaulted by two women. You may ask how can this happen, I'll tell you how.

The players were out drinking and they met these two women, Tnika Washington and Monique Taylor and their male friend, Michael Lewis. All six of them went back to the players' apartment. The victims say they were getting a ride, Lewis says the players wanted to pay for kinky sex.

Tnika Washington

One player passed out drunk, the other two started fucking these women. At some point the players say they wanted to stop having sex, and the women then tied them up, beat them and fondled them. I think the plan was for the women to tie them up and fuck them, while Lewis stole their shit.

One of the players was able to call police and by the time the cops arrived Lewis had take their wallets and some entertainment equipment, and two of the players were in their boxer shorts with their hands tied.

I think the most embarrassing part of this story for the football players is the pictures of the two women.

The NFL is Poop - Week 16

The Team No One Wants To Face
Forget the Pittsburgh Steelers, they're old news. The new most dangerous team in the playoffs is the Jacksonville Jaguars. They went on the road and beat the Steelers in the snow, then dominated the Raiders at home. They have all the elements you are supposed to need to win in the playoffs, in the cold weather, even though they are a Florida team. They have a great running game, a stout defensive line that can stop the run and a quarterback who doesn't make mistakes. David Garrard has 18 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions this year. Interesting Garrard stat: If you think about his season you'd probably say his performance against the Steelers was his best of the year. But according to passer ratings (excluding the Colts game in which he got hurt), the win over the Steelers was his worst game of the season. He completed only 17 of 33 passes for 197 yards and threw an interception. But even though he had 3 TDs it was his lowest passer rating of the season. That may say more about the ridiculousness of passer ratings, but I thought it was a cool stat.
I think the Jags will be a tough first round opponent for the Steelers or Chargers and maybe they could win that game, but I don't seem them beating the Patriots in the divisional round, which they'd have to do unless the 6 seed won on wild card weekend also.

Maybe the Strongest Sign of Domination Yet
Turnovers: Patriots 4 Dolphins 0
Score: Patriots 28 Dolphins 7
I'd venture to guess that this was the largest margin of victory in NFL history by a team that was minus 4 in turnovers .
The Patriots should have covered the spread but Belichick went for it on a 4th and 8 late in the game instead of kicking.
If the Patriots have a weakness everyone says it is their running game. Lawrence Maroney had runs of 51 and 59 yards in this game, the two longest runs of his career.
The Patriots had exactly 400 total yards in this game, 204 passing and 196 rushing.

Something Else May Ruin Romo
Turns out the weak effort by Panthers fans to distract Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson masks didn't work. Romo didn't play great, but the Cowboys did win the game. But of even graver concern for Romo is the fact that T.O. has a high ankle sprain. He definitely won't play against the Redskins this week (yay!) but he'll probably be back after the bye week for the first Cowboys' playoff game. And for the next three weeks we will hear what a tough guy he is because he plays with injuries. To which I will say (quoting Harry Doyle on Jack Parkman) "he's still a dick."

Game of the Week
Arizona Cardinals 30 Atlanta Falcons 27
Two teams who were out of it put on the best show of the week. How does Kurt Warner do it? 36 for 53, 361 yards, 3 touchdowns and no interceptions. And his counterpart Chris Redman didn't do too poorly either, 315 yards and 2 TDs. Each of them latched onto a wide receiver, Anquan Boldin caught 13 passes for 162 and Roddy White had 12 for 141. The Falcons had the ball 3 times in the 4th quarter. They held it for more than 10 minutes and scored all 3 times, putting up 13 points and turning a 24-14 deficit into a 27-24 lead. But they kicked a field goal with 1:38 left and never got the ball back. Kurt Warner led the Cardinals on two long drives for two field goals, and the win.

Game of Next Week
New England Patriots at New York Giants
Two other games (Dallas at Washington and Tennessee at Indianapolis) have major playoff implications but both those games features great teams that have nothing to play for. History will be on the line when the Giants play the Patriots. The Giants have nothing to play for and I don't think they should use their best players for any significant amount of time. But the Patriots should go all out after perfection. Every year a team wins a Super Bowl but it takes much longer than that to find an undefeated team. And the crowd at Giants Stadium could be very pro-Patriots as Giants fans may take it easy and dump their tickets on excited New Englanders.

Cheerleader of the Week
Mandy of the ROAR of the Jaguars
The Jags don't want us to know very much about their ladies. But Mandy was a nursing student now she is in grad school studying nuclear medicine.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Win or go home. The Redskins showed me something against the Vikings shutting down the league's best running game and putting the game in the incapable hands of Tarvaris Jackson. I love the way Todd Collins is playing. I know he is not the quarterback of the future but as the quarterback of right now he is making every play that needs to be made. Watch how cool he is as the pressure bears down on him and he dumps off screen passes to Portis and Sellers. Watch how adeptly he runs the playaction fake, and see his beautifully thrown balls to Santana Moss who had been invisible until Collins came around. And someone woke up Joe Gibbs. Brilliant game saving challenge on the 12 men on the field rule, although I'm sure he had help from above, but he didn't hesitate to fire that thing. Childress should have challenged the Moss catch that preceded the fumble that preceded the 12 men on the field penalty, but he who hesitates is lost. I'd love to see the Redskins pound the Cowboys' second stringers and I'd take my chances in Seattle for a playoff game for the second time in 3 years.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England Patriots 28 Dallas Cowboys 14
We're on a collision course for a rematch. I'd love to see the Patriots have to beat the Jaguars, the Colts and the Chargers but they'll only have to face two of tose teams, so the Cowboys loom as the last stop on the way to history, assuming they get by the first two roadblocks.

Monday, December 24, 2007

A Day Without Sunshine

Mrs. Poop told me a couple days ago that we needed to pick up a couple things (diapers) so we had to go to Target while we were in Connecticut. We figured Christmas Eve would be a good time to go. Unfortunately, some of her friends who live here said they never remember seeing a snack bar at that Target. So I was managing my expectations, not getting my hopes up that I would taste the golden deliciousness of Target Popcorn.
But this morning after I texted Josh that I was eating stew for breakfast, he told me he was going to have Target Popcorn for breakfast.
When we got to Target, I saw that they did have a snack bar, and a popcorn maker, but it was conspicuously empty. I waited on line behind three retards from the group home and was shocked when the lady told me they ran out of popcorn kernels. Whoever heard of such a thing?
Popcorn kernels are not a perishable item. They should never run out because they should order huge quantities and reorder when supply gets low. Poor management.
Even more annoying is that the clerks in New Jersey are rude and curt but the line moves quickly. But in Connecticut everyone knows each other and the clerks are so nice it took 5 minutes for her to tell me that they didn't even have any popcorn.
I was so furious.
Target in Torrington, Connecticut sucks.
Stock enough popcorn next time assholes.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Weekly Picks

An absolute disaster last week (1-4, 0 points) may have cost me any chance I have at winning this pool. But in Week 3, I also got a zero and used that pain as motivation to find a new strategy (picking the Patriots as my best bet every week), one that catapulted me into the top group where I've hung on for the last 6 weeks or so. But with the Colts' failure to blow out the Raiders (and Lane Kiffin's failure to give the ball to JaMarcus Russell as advertised) I am once again looking for a new strategy and a way to get the bad taste out of my mouth. So we start with the early game this week and we'll finish this post Saturday when I decide on the rest of my pics.

pittsburgh -8 1/2 ST. LOUIS
The Steelers have been a bad road team all year and the Rams had been frisky, until last week when they got pounded by the Packers at home. However, one of my favorite theories is to pick good teams coming off bad losses. A loss to this horrible team could very well cost the Steelers the division and would drop them into a tie with the Titans for the last wild card spot (assuming the Titans beat the Jets this week). Good teams usually show up in games like this and I expect the Steelers to do just that.

dallas -11 CAROLINA
I always like to look for good teams coming off a loss and bad teams coming off a win. You find that here. My only consternation is that Dallas has been a double digit road favorite twice this season and won each of those games by 1 point (Buffalo, Detroit), but they have a lot to play for and I'd be shocked if they lost to Matt Moore.

tampa bay -6 1/2 SAN FRANCICSO
I'm going back to the well with the Buccaneers, I team I can never get right. But they should beat an awful 49ers team by a touchdown.

NEW ENGLAND -22 1/2 miami
The Dolphins finally one a game. I think the Patriots have one more blowout in them before the playoffs start.

SEATTLE pick em baltimore

Because of the retarded pool I'm in because the USA Today had no line on this game as of Thursday, it goes off as a pick em. I'm basically forced to take them as my best bet or risk losing major ground to everyone who does. The real spread is 10 1/2.

Last Week
Last Week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season so far: 41-34 (42 points - T-6th, 8 points out of 1st)
Best bet: 0-1 (8-7)
Home favorites: 0-2 (17-9)
Home underdogs: 0-1 (3-1)
Road favorites: 0-1 (17-15)
Road underdogs: 1-0 (4-8)
Pick em: 0-0 (0-1)

Mr. Feeny Would Be Very Disappointed

Former child star Danielle Fishel, who played Topanga on "Boy Meets World," was arrested this week on a drunken driving warrant from Los Angeles County, police said.

Fishel was arrested Thursday just before 5 a.m. after officers stopped a car she was in near San Joaquin Hills Road and Jamboree Road in Newport Beach. She was released from jail shortly after her arrest.

In 2006, Fishel became the spokeswoman for NutriSystem after she announced on The Tyra Banks show that she was so thrilled about losing 20 pounds with the diet program that she wanted to be the company's spokeswoman.

In February, Fishel became a special correspondent for the Tyra Banks show.

Still looking for mugshot.

The Most Fun I've Had Watching the Knicks All Season

A Night at the Starbury

Story suggested by Juice

A Penalty I've Never Seen Before

In the Eagles' game against the Cowboys backup QB A.J. Feeley was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct while on the sidelines.
Feeley was standing in the white line on the sidelines and an official ran into him while following the play.
The contact distracted the official and got Feeley flagged for 15 yards.

How To Beat the Cowboys

In an attempt to beat the Dallas Cowboys by distracting Tony Romo a website called wants people to print out Jessica Simpson masks, affix them to sticks and bring them to Cowboys games.
The Cowboys play in Carolina this week and I hope the Panthers fans will embrace this movement so we can get a scene reminiscent of this.

Story suggested by Amber

Friday, December 21, 2007

Mini Me

little version of daddy

Fucking Pregnant Women

Pregnancy is amongst the most sensual, sexual times in a woman’s life according to Dr. Yvonne KristĂ­n Fulbright.
Many expectant moms express increased sexual appetite, much to their partner’s delight or bewilderment, with every ripening day.
The hormones of pregnancy are blessing her with better skin and hair, making her feel more gorgeous than ever.
While some women feel anything but sexy during their pregnancy, many are literally glowing from their expectancy, and love their bodacious body as never before.
Second, whether it’s her first or second trimester, some women experience increased sexual urges, at levels exceeding pre-pregnancy. During the second trimester in particular, many feel hot to trot for reasons far beyond their control. The vulva seems to have a mind of its own. Mother Nature is revving up a pregnant woman’s sex drive with increased vaginal lubrication, larger breasts, and increased vasocongestion (the flow of blood to the genitals) for heightened vulval sensitivity and a swollen, often to the point of aching, clitoris.
Third, during pregnancy, a woman’s dreams may increase and become more sexual in nature. Expectant women have reported more erotic, physical, and varied dreams during pregnancy, with a lighter sleep cycle making it easier to recall the visions and her subsequent nocturnal orgasm(s).
Given her sexual metamorphosis, all of these changes add up to a much more orgasmic woman! Between feeling sexier, increased genital blood flood, greater vulval sensitivity, and unexpected fantasies, many women experience their first orgasm or multiple orgasms during this time, spontaneously or while love making.

Hot mamas:

uhhhhhhh...hahleeeeeee berreeeeeeeeeeeee
her butt still looks huge
I'm sure Christina Aguilera is taking advantage

Jessica Biel Has a Great Ass

And a special treat for jusTON

Sometimes I Scare Myself

I took USA Today's Candidate Match Game and it turns out that deep down in places I don't talk about at parties, I'm just like Hillary Clinton.
The problem is I loathe Hillary Clinton and wouldn't vote for her in a million years. But at least according to this quiz her and I share similar views. The quiz didn't ask whether I wanted an honest candidate with a shred of integrity.
I came up as a Hillary supporter because I'm in favor of getting out of Iraq, but slowly, not packing up and leaving tomorrow.
I also agree with her on tax reform because I want to institute a new tax bracket on people with incomes over a million dollars annually.
Surprisingly every major candidate opposes my view on gay marriage which is "who cares?" if the gays want to ruin their lives by getting married, let them.
Anyway, because I weighted the Iraq War as by far my most important issue, it thinks I'm a Hillary backer. Yikes.
Take the test and let me know where you stand.

Story suggested by Georgia Derek

Who Are These Guys?

Through 15 weeks (14 games) of the 2007 NFL season:
Player A: 971 receiving yards, 5 touchdowns, 49 first downs
Player B: 971 receiving yards, 5 touchdowns, 49 first downs

Story suggested by Pizza Parlor Derek

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Am Too Powerful

First I rooted for a co-worker of mine to get hurt, and he did in fact get seriously injured.
Now, Stuart Scott has cancer.
While I never rooted for Scott to get injured or sick, I have always hated him, but not because he's a bad person, but for his role in ruining ESPN and sports news shows in general.
He actually was a nice guy when I met him in person while taping "Stump the Schwab."
Scott had an appendectomy last month and doctors found a malignancy in his appendix at that time.
He will undergo chemotherapy and doctors expect him to make a full recovery.
He isn't expected to even miss any shows.

Get well soon Stu.  Booyah!

Welcome To The Velodrome

Crazy bike crash in Australia. Be sure to pay attention to the guy at the top who goes sliding along the rail.

I'm a Douche

Mrs. Poop bought me some new clothes for Hanukah. This is the outfit she wanted me to wear in our family pictures. I feel like a kid whose mom dressed him up for picture day at school.

I even shaved my beard (not knowing that Mrs. Poop wanted me to keep a goatee, she says I look like a fat kid without facial hair) and went to the barber for a professional haircut. For the previous two years all of my haircuts have been done by Mrs. Poop in our kitchen.

But the pictures came out nice so Mrs. Poop was happy.

The Poop's new clothes

What Should Tom Couhglin Do?

If the New York Giants beat the Buffalo Bills this week they will clinch the 5th spot in the NFC playoffs.
And in the very likely event that the New England Patriots beat the Miami Dolphins, the Patriots will head into Giants Stadium on Saturday December 29th, aiming for the first 16-0 regular season in NFL history.
A major debate is raging about whether the Giants should go all out trying to win and get their names in the history books, whether they should rest their injured guys, but play the healthy ones and try to win, or whether to rest everyone and use the opportunity to get a de facto bye week.

Normally for poll questions I don't weigh in because my arguments are so rational and salient that it would be hard for anyone to disagree with me. But this time I think I may get some opposition.
The Giants should definitely rest everyone and take the week off.
First of all, the NFL system is set up to reward the best teams with a bye. So the system indicates that a bye is valuable, and if the Giants lucked into one, they should take advantage of it.
Second, as cool as it would be to beat the Patriots, it's not likely to happen, and therefore not worth the risk to injured players, healthy players and the psyche of the team, should they get their asses kicked.
Third, the playoffs are what matters. While it is unlikely that the Giants could win more than one playoff game, taking even the smallest chance that playing hard against the Patriots would decrease their ability to win in the playoffs, is foolish.

By the way, Christopher "Mad Dog" Russo maddeningly flip-flopped on this issue, last week saying the Giants would look like "horses' fannies" if they didn't play Manning and instead used "Jared Lorenz." But yesterday he screamed at callers who said they'd rather be in the history books for beating the Patriots than be forgotten even if they beat the Bucccaneers but lost in the second round.

Get Rich Quick Schemes Never Work Part II

Wilbur Ray Todd bought Michael Vick's infamous house on Moonlight Road in Smithfield, Virginia for $450,000 earlier this year. He spent another $50,000 on fixing it up and tried to sell it at auction last week.
His auction failed. He started the bidding at $747,000 (the county assessed value). The only bid was for $345,000. Eventually someone did offer $747,000, but Todd turned it down, obviously thinking the horrible things that occurred on this property should give it a premium on the market.
Todd was clearly trying to profiteer from the horrors that occurred there, billing the home as "The Michael Vick House" and leaving untouched all the remnants of dogfighting in the backyard.
But Todd isn't quite the businessman Vick is.
Vick bought the property for $35,000 in 2002, the built the house (and the buildings in the backyard) on the land and it flipped it 5 years later for $450,000. Todd is stuck with a half-million dollar investment in an area of Virginia that doesn't necessarily have too many high end homes.

The Vick House - 1915 Moonlight Road
the bedroom where some of the leeches and turncoats who brought down Vick stayed
This guy doesn't have $750,000 to bid on this house, he's just an idiot Vick fan
The buildings in the back where the dog fights took place were left untouched
didn't Billie used to have that same jacket?

Papa Smurf's Biggest Fan

Paul Karason is blue. Not sad, literally blue.

Karason did was use a substance called colloidal silver, which is made by extracting silver from metal. It goes into water with an electrical current and then you drink it. Colloidal silver is billed as something that will cure just about everything that ails you and Karason swears by it. Karason does not believe drinking the potion is what caused his discoloration. He believes it happened because he rubbed it on his face to treat a skin problem.

He says he usually avoids public places if he can, he just stays in his house and listens to this song all day.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Overcoming the Odds

After Week 6, Master Bates's fantasy football team (which I drafted) was 1-5 after suffering a crushing 80.65 to 80.62 loss. In that game star running back Adrian Peterson put up 30 points, while quarterback Kurt Warner (replacing an ineffective Drew Brees) threw 2 passes and fumbled costing the team 1.48 points.
Brees, Peterson, Brian Westbrook and the boys used that loss for motivation. They reeled off 8 straight and made the playoffs as the third seed.
But bad luck haunted them in the first round of the playoffs. First Matt Hasselbeck threw a meaningless touchdown to Deion Branch with 1 second left. Since both players were on the opposing team that play gave him 13 additional points.
Later that afternoon selfish running back Brian Westbrook cost the team 6 points by kneeling on the 1 yard line and not scoring what would have been a very important (at the time) touchdown.
Thankfully Adrian Peterson didn't stop at 1 (though his teammate did get draggged down there setting up AD's first TD) and Master Bates's team got its 9th straight win.
The fickle fate of fantasy football.
Speaking of which Josh, Beers, Michael, Kev, SCZA, PPD, Horse and Greco should be embarrassed that in a 10-team league, the only 2 women (Erin and Billie) will be competing in the Super Bowl.

Family Pictures

Mrs. Poop wanted our burgeoning family to take pictures this holiday season so we all got dressed up in sweaters and button down shirts (and I shaved my prodigious beard) and we headed to J.C. Penney.

The family ones came out ok, except Mrs. Poop and I got tired of smiling because we were waiting for so long for the photographer to coax a smile out of Chase.

This was the best smile we got out of Chase but he was covering his face with his hands so we couldn't use this one.

This is a great one because Chase looks just like me here. This is the face I made when Stuart Scott told me James Lofton was not in the top 16 all-time in all-purpose yards.

This is the last picture Chase took and by this point he was done. The lady wanted us to buy this one but we already have plenty of him like this.

Continued thanks to jusTON who taught me how to circumvent the picture hosting website's draconian ban on rightclicking these pictures.

Lying Lunch Lady

Denise Martin earned herself $50,000 with the sob story she told during the Survivor reunion show.
Martin had been chided all season by fellow Survivors for her job as a lunch lady and her mullet haircut.

She got more sympathy when she got picked last in a challenge and cried because she'd been picked last her entire life.
And in her final desperate plea for votes Denise said that after Survivor she was going to go back to her life working as a lunch lady for $7 an hour.
During the finale Denise said that when she got back home she wasn't allowed to be a lunch lady anymore because her popularity was distracting kids. She was forced to work as a janitor cleaning toilets and working after hours which forced her to miss her daughter's field hockey games.
She also said that she keeps her mullet haircut because as a lunch lady she needs short hair in the front, but keeps it long in the back to stay a woman for her husband.
She cried when she asked the audience for help in finding a new lunch lady job.
Then she cried even more when the show and producer Mark Burnett gave her $50,000 on the spot to help solve her troubles.
Problem is, her story wasn't true.
After being bombarded with nasty letters the school superintendent in Douglas, Massachusetts outed Denise as a liar.
Turns out Denise had been promoted to janitor before she left for Survivor. And I say promoted because the new job paid $17 an hour, a 143% increase in salary.
When confronted with the facts Denise admitted her lie, but never said that she intends to give back the $50,000.

Just What the World Needs

If there needed to be proof that slutty celebrities like Britney Spears are having a deleterious impact on our youth, especially young girls, here it is.

Britney's sister 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. The father is 19-year-old Casey Aldridge who supposedly met Jamie Lynn in church.
I'm not going to declare the end of Western Civilization because one teenage slut got knocked up, but I do find it a bit worrisome that the very thing conservative tightasses have been warning about for years has come true.
Young girls who idolize Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are very likely to grow up to be skanky hobags themselves.

I do admire Jamie Lynn's decision to keep the baby whereas a lot of other teens might have taken the "easy" way out.
I also hope that she can be a better mother than her sister has thus far proven to be. Perhaps a good first step is that she plans to raise her child in Louisiana instead of in the media glare that Britney is subjecting her sons to.
Now before you accuse me of being prudish let me say that I would never tell a woman what to do with her vagina, but I would recommend that she wait until she's at least smart enough to use birth control.

Rap Lyrics Represented by Pictograms

Do you have trouble understanding rap lyrics? Not just the words, but the deeper meanings? Your puzzlement is over, because some creative individual came up with visual representations of the complex math formulas set out in these songs.

When Biggie sang about the difficulties caused by his new found wealth, I never quite understood what he meant until now:

a direct correlation between money and problems

And Skee-Lo had a long list of wishes, but he didn't desire them all the same amount:

taller, baller, call her, six four impala

And this one finally sheds some light on one of my favorite songs of all time:

no barking from the dog, no smog, and a breakfast with no hog?  Damn right it was a good day

Story Idea by jusTON

Get Rich Quick Schemes Never Work

Josh and Pizza Parlor Derek will be attending the Music City Bowl and they came up with a great idea to make some money off the deal. Buy some extra tickets and sell them to rich alumni or students with rich parents, once the bowl teams were announced.
All season they were rooting for the Music City Bowl to get teams with traveling fan bases so they could resell the tickets at a profit.
When Kentucky and Florida State were announced as the teams PPD triumphantly declared "cha-ching!"
Since then things haven't gone to well.
First there was an eBay debacle and a missed voicemail that could have solved the whole thing.
Now there's this, at least 20 Florida State players were suspended as part of a cheating scandal.
Doesn't seem like many FSU alums will travel to see a depleted team get their asses kicked.
Sorry guys.
Apparently the players took an internet test to which they were given the answers before or during the exam.
This doesn't surprise me at all. Bobby Bowden is a cheater and he has no scruples. He has always recruited bad guys, and hid behind Jesus and forgiveness when it came time to penalize his criminal players. Remember when the Ol Ball Coach said FSU stood for "Free Shoes University?"
And then a few years later Peter Warrick and Laveranues Coles were given a deep discount at Dillard's. Even though they committed the same infraction they were given much different penalties because at the time Warrick was a better player. Coles is so angered by the unfair judgment that when he does those hokey introductions of himself for ABC games he gives credit to his high school and won't mention FSU.
Everyone loves Bobby Bowden because he's been around a long time and he has a folksy charm including his famous "player flew" speech, but he's a despicable enabler who is willing to bend the rules to win. Florida State should use this latest scandal as an excuse to put the old man out to pasture.

Bobby Bowden

Song of the Week

"Why'd You Leave Me on Christmas" - B2k
From their album, "Santa Hooked Me Up."
Merry Christmas, mother fuckers.

Record label link

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Best Ad Ever

For the two years of this blog's existence I have had Google advertising on the right hand side of the page. These ads were usually based on context, so for instance, if I wrote about jerseys, an ad for Mitchell & Ness might pop up.
Whenever someone clicks on one of the ads, I get paid, usually just a few cents per click, but I've accumulated $120 so far.
Usually these ads don't catch my eye, but today (and I hope it's still there when you read this) was an ad that said "Ask-Elizabeth - Actress Elizabeth Berkley Provides Self Esteem Workshop For Girls."
If it's still there please click the add to check it out, if not and you want to see it, you can click here.

And They Didn't Even Have To Crawl to Freedom Through Five-Hundred Yards of Shit Smelling Foulness

The lesson taught to us by Andy DuFresne in "The Shawshank Redemption" is that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
To most of us in our everyday lives it could mean winning the lottery, or getting that book deal or banging a hot chick who is out of your league.
But for Otis Blunt and Jose Espinosa, they took the movie literally.
Blunt and Espinosa took a page out of Shawshank (it was a book first) and used that blueprint for a prison escape.
First they got some kind of tool (believed to be a thick metal wire) which they used to scrape away the mortar holding the cinder blocks in the wall between their adjacent cells and in the outside wall.
They removed the bricks and smashed them, and hid the pieces in a footlocker.
Then they covered the hole with pictures of hot chicks (sound familiar?).
They were able to wriggle through the two 18 inch wide holes and get outside, where they jumped from the 3rd story over the razor wire fence to freedom. They landed about 15 feet out and 30 feet down.
They also left behind a note to the guards, wishing them a happy holiday.
Espinosa recently pleaded guilty to aggravated manslaughter. Blunt was being held on weapon and robbery charges.
Union County Prosecutor Ted Romankow said "I think this is a very serious situation you saw. I really prefer not to compare with any movie, although I can understand why you might because it does look certainly very similar to some of them. Except in 'The Shawshank Redemption' they had a better poster on the wall."

The NFL is Poop - Week 15

Let It Snow
Snow and other winter weather played havoc with several games this weekend.

New England 20 New York Jets 10
Wind and rain put a crimp in the Patriots style and any chance they had to pound the insolent Jets into submission by an NFL record margin of victory. But they did move the ball effectively on the ground which is something some people said they couldn't do. On the other hand, the Patriots offense had no touchdown drives of more than 4 yards. And the Jets had a few chances to get in this game.
But, of course the most important part of the game was the postgame handshake between the coaches. It was cordial and Belichick said "great game."

Jacksonville 29 Pittsburgh 22
A warm weather team goes on the road and pounds the supposed cold weather bullies. Fred Taylor rushed for 147 yards, the most ever for an opposing running back in Heinz Field. David Garrard threw for 197 and 3 touchdowns. Leading 10-6, Jacksonville got the ball to start the second half. They went on a 20 play drive that took up 9 minutes and 35 seconds and ended in a touchdown pass. Then they forced Pittsburgh into a 3 and out, and on the first play of the next drive, Garrard threw a 55-yard touchdown to Dennis Northcutt. Two drives, one 20 plays in 9:35, the other 1 play in 10 seconds. But the Steelers stormed back helped by an interception by Garrard to Anthony Smith, who didn't guarantee anything, but spurred the comeback with his 50 yard return. But the Jags came right back with a long touchdown drive to seal the victory and cement their reputation as a dangerous team.

Carolina 13 Seattle 10
A strong wind hampered the passing game for both teams in this one. The score was 0-0 after three quarters. In the fourth the teams went wild scoring 23 points. The Panthers put the game away by recovering a Hasselbeck fumble and turning it into a touchdown on a 35 yard run by DeAngelo Williams with 1:38 left. But trailing by 10 the Seahawks came down the field and scored a touchdown with 1 second left to make the score 13-10.

Cleveland 8 Buffalo 0
This was the game where weather had the biggest impact. The whole game was played in a snowstorm that made passing almost impossible. The two quarterbacks combined to go 22 for 57 for 261 yards. But the running backs were able to get some traction, Marshawn Lynch gained 82 yards, but that was only half as many as Jamal Lewis who got 163. He pounded the Bills into submission. The Browns got their scores on a safety (bad snap) and two field goals by Awesome Phil Dawson, one of which hit the extension bar that connects the crossbar to the post.

Phil Dawson kicks field goals in the snow
Jamal Lewis powers the Browns to a snowy win over the Bills
Derek Anderson slides in the snowy end zone to celebrate the Browns victory over the Bills

But the Sun Shined on the Dolphins
The Miami Dolphins avoided historical ignominy by finally winning a game. They came back from a 13-3 deficit to take a 16-13 lead against the Baltimore Ravens. But the Ravens were able to take the ball all the way down to the 1 yard line before kicking the tying field goal. In overtime, the Ravens drove the ball downfield, but Matt Stover missed the field goal that would have sent the Dolphins home losers once again. On the next possession the immortal combination of Cleo Lemon to Greg Camarillo (the 4th catch of his career) hooked up for a 64-yard touchdown.

That started a massive celebration the likes of which you will not see when the Patriots win the Super Bowl this year. Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga cried. And the old curmudgeonly 1972 Dolphins can get back to focusing on the task at hand...putting the jinx on the Patriots.

She's a God Damned Succubus
With his new girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, sitting in a luxury box, Tony Romo had one of his worst days as the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, completing only 13 of 36 passes and throwing 3 interceptions.

Jessica Simpson in her pink Tony Romo jerseyThe sight of Jessica Simpson's huge boobies causes Tony Romo to have the worst game of his career
Tony Romo may look sad, but he's going home to fuck Jessica Simpson

Does Jon Runyan Read The Poop
Last week in this space, I criticized Jamal Lewis for scoring a late touchdown when falling down at the 1 would have given his team the chance to put the game away.
It appears that Eagles lineman Jon Runyan saw my column and passed it on to Brian Westbrook. With the Eagles holding on to a 10-6 lead with 2:19 to go Runyan told Westbrook that he should not try to score, he should just take a knee. Sure enough, Westbrook ripped through the line and ran 24 yards, but stopped on the one to seal his team's victory. Westbrook said he wasn't sure about it but he heard Runyan running after him yelling and he didn't want to piss the big guy off. It was the right decision because no matter how unlikely a field goal, an onside kick, a touchdown and a 2-point conversion in 2 minutes are, a fucked up kneel down is even less likely. Kudos to Runyan for being a Poophead. Kudos to Westbrook for not padding his stats. Kudos to all the fantasy owners who overcame Westbrook's selflessness to win their fantasy playoff games anyway.

Brian Westbrook does the right thing and takes a knee at the 1

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Finally, the Redskins played a great game and made the big plays when they needed to. Now, I love Jason Campbell but over the past 2 weeks Todd Collins has been able to do things Campbell couldn't over the previous 12. Collins completed only 32% of his passes in difficult conditions at the Meadowlands but the ones he did complete were big. In a game that started off as a field position battle the Redskins got the first advantage after a fumble. After turning that into a field goal, Collins hit Santana Moss for 36 yards and Todd Yoder for 30 on consecutive plays to set up another field goal. And the Redskins touchdown was set up by a 34 yard pass to Moss. That drive culminated in an interesting play. On 3rd and 9 from the 14, Coach Gibbs was content to settle for field goal and a 9-0 lead, calling for a draw play. Ladell Betts took it to the endzone for a 13-0 lead. Then the Redskins spent the second half sitting on a 22-3 lead. The Redskins only got 2 first downs in the 4th quarter, which has been their biggest problem, which caused several blown leads, but the last one kept the ball away from the Giants and salted away the game.

Cheerleader of the Week
Crystal H. of the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders
Crystal is a makeup artist (or what I would call an aesthetician) when she is not entertaining Redskins fans.
She participated in Maxim's 2007 Hometown Hotties contest.
But this line from her bio is why I chose her this week: "I love...playing poker. Maybe one day you'll see me on the World Series of Poker!!"
She wants to play the WSOP, that's why I love Crystal. And these pictures are nice too.

Game of Next Week
Washington Redskins at Minnesota Vikings

NBC flexed this game so for the second week in a row I can watch the Skins live in prime time. If the Redskins lose they are eliminated from the playoffs. If they win they would still need to beat Dallas in Week 17 (playing for homefield in the title game) and have New Orleans lose a game. If Minnesota wins they'd still need a New Orleans loss to clinch.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England Patriots 34 Green Bay Packers 21
I'm assuming that Jessica Simpson wouldn't miss the NFC championship game.

Monday, December 17, 2007

How I Met Your Mother - The Last Episode For A While

With the writers' strike dragging on there won't be any new episodes of the best show on TV for at least a couple months. But thankfully the show went out on a high note.
"The Platinum Rule" encapsulated many of the things that I love about this show, but most importantly its willingness to be the exact opposite of everything else on TV, and to do it brilliantly.
The fact that the point of the show is to find out who my mother is, but we never find ourselves just wanting to find out already. The journey is more rewarding than the destination.
Any other show would constantly be promising hints at who my mother is and every episode would have to end with some clue (or a loud explosion) but in this show, the episodes that don't advance the show's main plot are often the best ones.

The episode starting with the gang warning Ted not to date his doctor, the one who is going to remove his tramp stamp. "If you have it removed how will everyone know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues."

As usual the episode was perfectly crafted and the story flowed perfectly from Barney's story (Wendy the waitress) to Marshall and Lilly's story (the charades loving neighbors) to Robin's story (the hockey playing sports guy). And for each of those times they used the previous instances as a warning, but no one ever listened.

This episode was a perfect example of what I like in a TV show, movie, personal encounter...a good story, well told.

Too bad we won't have anymore good stories for a while.