Saturday, May 07, 2011

Never Cheat On Your Wife With a Woman Who Can't Remember Where She Parked

Hines Ward was briefly detained at gunpoint by police who thought he had stolen a car.
Ward was riding in a Honda Civic at 1:30 am, when police pulled them over thinking the car was stolen.
Why did they think the car was stolen? Because the driver, presumably Ward's girlfriend, reported it stolen two weeks earlier.
Why did she report it stolen? Because she couldn't remember where she parked.
When she finally found her car she never bothered to call police back.
Therefore Ward was presumed a car thief, perhaps rightfully so by the cops.
The woman was able to prove ownership and Ward was released, but embarrassed [corrected].
Now I am not certain Ward is still married, at the very least he is separated, maybe divorced. But we also know the woman in the car was not Ward's dance partner Kym Johnson.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Pippa's Purple Bra

You knew it was going to happen. As soon as I saw Pippa Middleton killing it in that white dress at the Royal Wedding I knew she would soon become the object of lust for the entire world. And anything she ever did that was slightly questionable or embarrassing was going to come out.

The best they could do was this picture of Pippa dancing in purple bra and a white skirt with some dude rubbing his boner on her.

Pippa Middleton in a purple bra

I'm actually quite disappointed with this photo and upset that this is the best we could do. You would see more on the beach -- in a one-piece. But because this is the type of content you expect from me I felt compelled to bring it to you even though it falls well below by normal standards of sexiness.

Here's what Pippa looks like a on a normal day, somewhere in between Royal Wedding attire and half-naked dancing:

Why OPS is So Important

I've spent several years trying to explain to anyone who would listen why OPS is the best stat to use to evaluate baseball players.
Batting average is still the standard but it's terrible. Here's why: walks count. And doubles count more than singles, but less than triples, and even less than home runs.

Three examples from the early part of this season:
Player A: .250 BA (30-120), 5 homers, 16 RBI, 18 walks
Player B: .342 BA (25-73), 0 homers, 8 RBI, 3 walks
Player C: .189 BA (17-90), 6 homers, 17 RBI, 22 walks

Judging by just batting average you would say the guy hitting .342 is the best. But in truth he has no power and never walks. I would actually take Player C because he has the best power and the most walks.

But the point is all three of these players are essentially equal according to OPS:
David Wright 778 OPS
Erick Aybar 789 OPS
Jonny Gomes 786 OPS

So new statistical analysis doesn't just help you determine who is better, it helps you figure out who is equal but looks much better (or worse).

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Best Hematoma Ever?

Anyone who knows me knows I have an unhealthy obession with hematomas. It all started while watching a Holyfield-Rahman fight with JLeary and Shoeb.

I love Rahman's hematoma so much I use it for my image on blogger. I even used it for my picture during lookalike week on Facebook.

The hematoma that started it all

But a new hematoma has emerged possibly topping Rahman's in size and gruesomeness.
Check out Mark Hominick during his fight at UFC 129 against Jose Aldo. The amazing thing is, not only did they let him fight after several doctors' checks of it (actually squeezing it at one point), but Hominick dominated Aldo in the 5th round despite this huge thing growing on his head.

Mark Hominick's amazing hematoma

Looking back it seems like I love all UFC injuries, from Josh Koscheck's eye, to Marvin Eastman's cut (the original goat's vagina), to Brandon Vera's nose and to the most sickening, Corey Hill's broken leg.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

He Was Much Funnier When He Was Doing Hot-Foots

Former Mets pitcher Roger McDowell was always known as the team prankster for his jokes, including his famous hot foot demonstration on the 86 Mets video, "A Year to Remember."

At a game in San Francisco last week McDowell shouted at 3 male fans (they may have been hecklers) "Are you guys a homo couple or a threesome?"

Then he made a circle with his thumb and index finger and shoved the bat through it. He also simulated sex with the bat and asked the three men if they were "giving it to each other up the ass."

That's when a conscientious man with two 9-year-old daughters yelled "hey there are kids out here."

Then he approached Quinn with the bat and asked "how much are your teeth worth?"

McDowell earned a two week suspension for that little joke. Which is better than being fired, and I'm actually surprised he didn't get axed for that.

Song of the Week

"Beast of Burden" - Rolling Stones
I'm not a big fan of the Stones but if I had to pick one song, I'd probably choose this one. It has a cool vibe to it, not like most of their overdone, oversung songs.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Samuel L. Jackson Comments on the Death of Usama Bin Laden and his Son

Reached late last night for comment on the deaths of Usama Bin Laden, his son and two of his brothers, here is what the great actor Samuel L. Jackson had to say:

When TON reads this post in about three weeks (once a month I get like 7 e-mails from comments from TON who is obviously busy and only reads sporadically) he's going to laugh hysterically. Very early during freshman year of college he set me up. I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were talking about "A Time to Kill." Everyone started hysterical laughing and I later learned it was because TON warned them if they mentioned that movie, I would come out with that line. Clever TON.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Usama Bin Laden Sleeps with the Fishes

I think President Obama watched "The Godfather" this weekend. Because he took care of a lot of Obama family business. He went after Qaddafi (Barzini) and killed Tattaglia (Bin Laden). And now, like Luca Brasi, Usama Bin Laden sleeps with the fishes.

Note: I spell Bin Laden's first name with a U because that is how the federal government does it. It also helps to avoid confusion with the current President's name like the pile of shit Norah O'Donnell stepped in.

Note: He also showed his birth certificate and preempted "The Apprentice." I guess we could compare Trump to Fredo.

It was nearly ten years ago I walked in between the burning, crumbling Twin Towers wanting revenge on the people who did it. Now, finally, we have that revenge. Usama Bin Laden is dead.

And I am thrilled. If I had been in Citizens Bank Park last night watching the Mets beat the Phillies I am sure I would have been chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" along with the Phillies fans. Though I think those animals would have cheered the death of anyone. I kid, I kid.

I actually think the celebrations may have gone a little too far. The crowds at the White House and Ground Zero were mostly a bunch of college kids looking for an excuse to get drunk and skip class.

america fuck yeah

Yes, I'm happy he's dead, and I am celebrating. But the celebration should be honoring those people he killed. Because we are not celebrating his death in particular, we're cheering because the thousands of people he killed, and their families, finally have a tiny, tiny measure of justice.

I want to give President Obama full credit for this. When he was elected I was worried he would be unwilling or unable to kick the asses that needed kicking to keep us safe. He proved he's willing to do it. And this will help his approval rating and maybe even get him reelected. And if that's the case he deserves it.

But he couldn't have done it without the finest military in the world. The people at Guantanamo Bay who interrogated or even tortured detainees got the information leading to Bin Laden's compound. The 24 Navy Seals descended on that compound killing whoever got in the way (including the woman Bin Laden was using as a human shield) and then firing a bullet into the face of Usama Bin Laden.

But let's be clear, this doesn't end anything. There will always be people who hate America. Because we're Godless, or we're rich, or we're arrogant or because we do what's right and protect Israel. This won't calm those people, it might only incite them. They are not going to give up just because Bin Laden is dead. There will be a new Bin Laden bent on doing even more damage and killing even more people.

And someday we'll kill him too. Because we live in the greatest country in the world, and eventually, justice prevails.

The Biggest Oops Ever

The Poop has received thousands of hits over the years from horny people looking at this picture of Norah O'Donnell.

Now Norah O'Donnell committed perhaps the biggest fuckup ever. Immediately when the news broke last night she tweeted about it. Only she screwed up one tiny little letter and wrote "Obama shot and killed."

I Think They Got the Wrong Shipment

Why the hell does my local Shop Rite in New Jersey have an abundance of bagged roasted peanuts adorned with the logos of the Baltimore Orioles and Boston Red Sox?

Was there a mix-up at the warehouse? Was there a shortage of Mets or Yankees bags and they thought these would sell just as well.