Saturday, February 18, 2006

FSU Sluts Hit Maxim

FSU slut Jenn Sterger is in this month's Maxim, and she brought two friends along.
The alumni are all jerking off over these pictures which is the only time alumni ever jerk off is when hot students with fake tits pose naked in the dorm showers.

Chrystal, Jenn, and Fabiola

Where you've seen them:
ABC caught the barely dressed coeds cheering on Florida State against Miami, turning them into overnight Internet stars and inspiring plenty of guys to do the tomahawk chop.

Proud parents:
Jenn: "Before the game I made this joke with my parents that I was going to get on TV. Then the ABC cameras went by and my parents sent me a text message: 'Jenn, we love you, but put some clothes on.'"

Imitated, never duplicated:
Chrystal: "We actually make outfits to wear to the game. Girls go into the FSU stores looking for the shirts we were wearing, but they don't sell them."

Bring it on:
Chrystal: "[The cheerleaders] like us! Well, most of them…"
Jenn: "Yeah, you should see the back of my car from the one who doesn't."
Fabiola: "She hit it with a baseball bat."
Chrystal: "Yeah, Jenn hooked up with her ex."
Jenn: "Well, she was some crazy, horse-faced cheerleader bitch!"

The First Couple of Snowboarding

The beneficiary of Lindsey Jacobellis' historic blunder was Switzerland's Tanya Frieden. She won the gold. Amazingly she is dating American Seth Westcott who won the gold in the men's event the day before.

Lindsey Jacobellis

By now everyone has heard what happened to Lindsey Jacobellis. With a huge lead in the women's snowboardercross she had a gold medal all but wrapped up she got a little cocky and added a little style to her jump by grabbing the board but she wiped out. She was able to get up in time to "win" silver but that move will go down as one of the worst mistakes in sports history.
Immediately the announcer said "dude, she did a method," "she goes down on a showboat trick," and "she tried to put the icing on the cake." Initially she tried to say she did it for stability but later admitted that she got caught up in the moment. She was gracious to come on with Bob Costas and take the heat.
She had what I call a Howard Dean moment. For the rest of her life there probably won't be one night when she goes to bed that she doesn't think of how she blew the gold medal. I feel horribly for her.
Pizza Parlor Derek actually sent me a concialatory text message saying that the incident has made him warm up to her. But she did forget his golden rule: "Never count your chickens before they're in the basket."

Too bad she's not bangable, she could use the loving now
The Lett comparisons are unavoidable, but remember, the Cowboys still won that game

Friday, February 17, 2006

Is Johnny Weir Gay?

This seems to have become a topic of controversy. The Chicago Tribune ran a poll asking people whether they'd care if he were gay. No won overwhelmingly.

Former skater Rudy Galindo (the guy who minced around to YMCA tunes thoroughly confusing Pizza Parlor Derek's mother) said: "He's drinking tea with his pinkie finger in the air, and he's so over the top and feminine, why is everybody asking him about his 'style' and not just ask him if he's gay? It's the funniest thing to watch."

The guys at said: "If he's not gay, neither are we."

Johnny Weir said: "I think it's funny that people care. I don't have a problem with people saying anything. People could be saying, ‘Oh, let's poll about Bode Miller. Let's poll about Michelle Kwan being a lesbian. It's not a big deal. Who I sleep with doesn't affect what I'm doing on the ice or what I'm doing in a press conference.”

That question was addressed to him in the press conference after he finished fifth in the figure skating competition. We learned from Mike Piazza, that if you are not gay, but people think you are, you should call a press conference. Johnny's non-denial proves to us what we already knew, but didn't really care that much about. In fact, I'd be kind of disappointed if he were straight. The gay thing adds to the bitchiness, cattiness and humor of the things he's said and done over the past few months.

Sexy Silver Medalist

That's body paint, JUST body paint

It's way past time I gave credit to Gretchen Bleiler, silver medalist in the halfpipe.

laughing gretchen
justin likes snowboarding gretchen
the concierge wants to make a joke about popping her cherry, justin wants to say -- now I popped both your cherries


Joe Dumars gave up on Darko trading him to Orlando for basically nothing. Darko may go down as the biggest bus in draft history, maybe even worse than Sam Bowie. At least in Bowie's case not everyone knew before the draft that Jordan was going to become Jordan. But look at it this way, if Darko becomes a player, the 2003 draft will go down as the best ever, or maybe the best top 5 ever.
Bron, Melo, Bosh and Wade vs. Hakeem, Jordan and Barkley. Interesting.

No Longer My Favorite Gumbel

Two weeks after declaring him my favorite Gumbel, Bryant said this about the Winter Olympics:
"Count me among those who don't care about them and won't watch them. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world's greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention."

Imagine if a white broadcaster said this about the NBA:
"Count me among those who don't care about them and won't watch them. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world's greatest athletes, despite a paucity of whites that makes the NBA look like a Jay-Z concert."

His ass would be fired immediately. There is a growing double standard in this country. White people are not allowed to talk about race. And it's only going to make our racial problems worse.

I still prefer him to Bob Costas though

Tonight is the Night

Women's snowboardcross finals will air tonight, featuring our favorite not-so-bangable athlete, Lindsey Jacobellis. Sports Illustrated says Jah-cobellis, NBC says Jay-cobellis, I don't know whom to believe. Anyway, watch her compete tonight. If you haven't seen SBX (four racers going down the mountain at one time) it's pretty cool once. After that the novelty wears off. Whoever gets out first wins, and whoever is in third crashes into whoever is in second while trying to pass.

Good luck Lindsey

Pond Scum

Unfortunately, Johnny Weir finished 5th in the men's figure skating, not quite the prettiest flower in the pond. He entertained us all, but fell from 2nd to 5th last night with a safe performance. It was a disappointing competition as even though he won by a landslide, Plushenko's performance wasn't a shot of vodka let's snort coke kind of thing.

See you in Vancouver in 4 years, Johnny

Albert Belle Back in the News

Former baseball star Albert Belle was arrested Thursday and charged with stalking his ex-girlfriend, police said.
Scottsdale police said the 39-year-old Belle was taken into custody after a former girlfriend told officers that he had stalked her.

My how the mighty have fallen.  Belle was the first player ever selected by my brother's fantasy baseball dynasty

Thursday, February 16, 2006

What a Sap!

Every blogger in the blogosphere will have this story up by tonight. Enjoy!

Stanford tree mascot fired for alleged basketball game drunkenness

Stanford University, sometimes referred to as ``The Farm,'' has lost a very prominent tree, for being drunk.
Actually, the tree was Erin Lashnits, who dresses as a tree for her role as mascot to the school's irreverent band.
But university officials say Erin-the-tree was a bit over-watered during a recent basketball game.
Officials say the fifth-year senior's blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.157 during the game at the University of California, Berkeley. That's about twice the legal limit for driving, if trees drove cars.
Band spokesman Sam Urmy says Lashnits was fired to avoid disciplinary penalties from the athletic department.
Said Urmy: ``We don't want to risk our core mission of rocking out and bringing funk to the funkless.''

This is the latest embarrassing incident for the Tree which was once put on probation for ballot stuffing on's best mascot contest.

Pizza Parlor Derek thinks the Tree has nice DSLs

I Heart New York II

Walking up 34th Street this afternoon, I saw a homeless man. His sign said:
"Need money to get drunk so 2 girls can take me home and molest me."

I Heart New York

New York City is getting an official condom.
The city health department, which distributes more than 1 million free condoms a month to combat the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, plans to design its own condom packaging, officials said this week.

Dog Show Wrap

I can't believe Scotty remembered Knotty. Knotty won the bloodhound breed, but that was as far as he went.

And I agree with Georgia Derek, Dermott was robbed. I don't like small dogs, but if I had to get a small dog I like a nice pug. I just can't believe this one was named after Dermot Mulrooney.

To The Victor Go The Spoils

Rufus, winner of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was treated to dinner at fancy New York restaurant, Sardi's last night.

SCZA Is -- I Mean -- SCZA Gets a Pussy

Instead of getting a dog like a real man, Mrs. SCZA used her feminine charms to convince him to get a cat. Have fun being completely ignored by a pet that wants nothing to do with you. But if you want a low-maintenance pet, and that might suit your personality, then a cat -- or a stuffed animal -- is right for you.

We know who wears the pants in this family

Mets Replace Anna Benson

The Mets signed Jose Lima to a minor league contract, but more importantly, they acquired his hot wife. We consulted Dodgers expert G-span and he says Mrs. Lima has "big tits." How does he know that? He saw Mr. and Mrs. Lima at a club after Steve Finley hit the walkoff home run in October 2004 to send the Dodgers to the playoffs.
G-Span made the trip with his dad but ditched him after the game to go out drinking at some swanky LA nightspot. While there, G-Span ran into Milton Bradley ("he's a dick") and Jose Lima. He taught Lima his special handshake, pound once, pound twice, exploding fists, then casually walk away as if you don't know the other person. When Lima did it, instead of just walking away he said "I don't know you." G-Span said it was one of the funniest moments of his life.
Later Lima came up to him and gave him a cigar with a personalized band with Lima's name which he said was rolled by his relatives in the Dominican.

G-Span also points out that Lima was involved in a Ron Mexico situation, a woman is suing him, claiming he gave her genital herpes.

Oh say can you see, my wife's huge tits
I can see them, so they must be real

The Winner Is...

Jennifer Walcott beat Elisha Cuthbert 68-32 in the finals of the Hottest Significant Other Tournament. Congratulations.

To the victor go the spoils
and by spoils I mean half-naked pictures of you posted on my blog

Missing Dog

A canine contender from this week's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was missing Wednesday after escaping from a travel cage at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, authorities said.
The dog, a female Whippet named Bohem C'est La Vie, was scheduled to travel with her owners on a Delta Air Lines flight to California from New York -- where the dog show took place -- when she broke free from her cage about noon, according to Tiffany Townsend of the New York Port Authority.
Port Authority Police said they dispatched a helicopter to aid in the search for several hours Wednesday, and said the dog was spotted in marsh land surrounding the airport, but authorities on the ground were unable to catch her.
Delta spokeswoman Susan West said the airline was working with authorities to help locate Bohem C'est La Vie. The Port Authority said the dog's owners -- listed on the Westminster Kennel Club website as Jil Walton & Paul Lepiane -- were also cooperating with police.
According to the American Whippet Club, the Whippet is a medium-sized member of the Sighthound family and is very similar in appearance to the Greyhound, only smaller.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Police in South Carolina are investigating the theft of jewelry from Pittsburgh Steeler Duce Staley.
The Steelers running back was in an altercation at a gentleman's club called "Studio 54" Saturday night.
During the scuffle, Staley lost about $100,000 worth of jewelry.

I wonder if that includes his Super Bowl ring.

Dan Wheeler?

The roster for the U.S. team in World Baseball Classic is out and Dan Wheeler made the team. I understand this is due to strict pitch counts on starters, they need to carry a lot of relievers, especially guys who could go 2 innings. Manager Buck Martinez says starters will pitch only three innings, at least until later in the tournament.

Here's the whole roster:
Starters: Roger Clemens, Dontrelle Willis, CC Sabathia, Jake Peavy
Relievers: Chad Cordero, Brian Fuentes, Todd Jones, Brad Lidge, Joe Nathan, Scot Shields, Huston Street, Mike Timlin, Billy Wagner, Dan Wheeler
Catchers: Michael Barrett, Brian Schneider, Jason Varitek
Infielders: Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones, Derrek Lee, Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, Chase Utley, Michael Young
Outfielders: Johnny Damon, Jeff Francouer, Ken Griffey Jr., Matt Holliday, Vernon Wells, Randy Winn

The lineup should be:
Johnny Damon - CF
Michael Young - 2B
Derek Jeter - SS
Alex Rodriguez - 3B
Derrek Lee - 1B
Ken Griffey - LF
Mark Teixeira - DH
Vernon Wells -RF
Jason Varitek - C

David Wright and Jimmy Rollins didn't make this stacked team. But the outfield is weak. I think this lineup is much weaker than the Dominicans but believe it or not, depth of bullpen like Shields and Wheeler will give the U.S. a big edge.

Best In Show

A colored bull terrier called Rufus used his head Tuesday night to become America's top dog.
The tan-and-white mix won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, beating out six strong contenders and drawing a rousing ovation from the sellout crowd at Madison Square Garden.
Rufus' selling point? His head -- perfectly shaped like an egg.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Hot Off the Presses


Los Angeles, CA (February 14, 2006) – In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known that the story is 100% false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.

SI Swimsuit Issue Out Today

16 beautiful naked boobies --- I wish they would put their hands down
Sharapova, you are no Kournikova
Mallory from Real World Paris is back

Brokeback Football Game

Amazingly This Never Happened at the Kliq

University of Pittsburgh student Leland Holly IV fell down a flight of steps Friday night, during a birthday party.
He was put on a couch by his friends, who continued to celebrate.
They did not realize he was dead until Saturday afternoon.

What Not To Say To A Cop

"You ain't the only one with a Glock. If it wasn't for your gun and your badge, I'd kick your ass."

That is what Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson said to a cop who was ticketing his limo for being illegally double parked. A struggle ensued and the cop had to Mace Tank. Johnson is already on probation for a weapons charge.

Dick Cheney's future hunting partner

Monday, February 13, 2006

Dick Cheney Will Pop a Cap in Yo Ass

Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man on a hunting trip. The liberal media is going nuts because the White House took almost 24 hours to report the incident.
The lesson: don't go hunting with Dick Cheney; he's got a bad heart and worse aim.

Would You Bang?: Cassie Johnson

This time our contestant is the skip of the U.S. women's curling team, Cassie Johnson.

Here's an interesting exerpt from an article about the sex appeal of curlers:
Team USA, led by Cassie and Jamie Johnson of Bemidji, Minn., are getting used to it. They began to notice guys hitting on them at the World Championships in Scotland, where they won a silver medal and were able to keep the wolves at bay.
"There's been a few Internet crushes," Cassie Johnson said.
"I lot of people say things to us," said Jamie Johnson, clearly the shyest member of the group. "We're so young and, I guess, cute. We want people to watch our sport and understand it."
Oh, they'll be watching.
They seem embarrassed by the notion that they are somehow sex symbols. In curling, no less, where the official equipment includes a cigarette and a candy bar.
In fact, there is a curling calendar making the rounds featuring athletes from the sport in various stages of undress. All the U.S. women refused.
Still, there's quite a buzz surrounding the team.
"That's because we've

What do our experts think?
Pizza Parlor Derek:
Why not?! I don’t think they get more American than Cassie Johnson. Seems like a girl who’s always happy. Not too high maintenance. My parents would love her. Looks like a goody-goody but girls like her always surprise. Plus, curling’s hot!

If her persona matched her looks, meaning she was one of those sweet, always cheery girls, then yeah, I'd be into it. I have a feeling I would need to put in a lot of work first though, like coffee dates, and walks in the park. But we know she can handle a big load, so thats a good thing...those curling stones are heavy!

I Wish I Could Quit Adam Morrison

Gonzaga fans have been asked to stop yelling "Brokeback Mountain" at opposing players.
The reference to the recent movie about homosexual cowboys was chanted by some fans during Monday's game against Saint Mary's, and is apparently intended to suggest an opposing player is gay.

I love the use of the word apparently.
Bill and I watched that game against Stanford. At one point they showed the crowd and all the people with fake moustaches, and Brad Nessler said "even Dick [Vitale] and I are wearing fake mustaches but I have to be honest, the lady who serves me coffee at the all-night diner by my house has a better moustache than Adam Morrison."

This Weekend

As you may have heard, there was a blizzard in the area this weekend. That made our activities all the more fun. We were able to get a train from my house to Madison Square Garden for the Syracuse-St. John's.
Here's a breakdown of events:

1) We wait at the train station with a bickering old Jewish couple. He wants to wait in the car to stay warm, she doesn't want to miss the train, she calls him an idiot. We get on the same train as these people on the way home and I purposely go sit behind them.

2) We go to a bar for the "Orange Friendzy" before the game. Since it was cold outside I decided to order the Peppermint Patty (hot chocolate, peppermint schnapps and whipped cream). Bill and Alison order beers, the waitress brings those, but not my drink. Then we see the SU group upstairs, we settle our check and go upstairs, we eat cheddar cheese squares and chips and lament the fact that we don't know anyone. Alison makes fun of the girls' ugly boots. On the way out I see someone I recognize, but can't remember her name. Bill recognizes her, they chat for a couple minutes. When we walk away Bill tells me that was Deena, the girl who deflowered Smist and had her balloon knot treated like a postage stamp by Pizza Parlor Derek.

3) The arena was empty, an usher told us we could sit anywhere, as long as we moved if the people who had those seats came. We moved into section 52 but the Asian usher, we'll call him Mao Tse-Dung, refused to let us in. He told us to get the supervisor, so we did. Then he said he didn't care what the supervisor said. We called her over again and Chairman Mao finally relented.

4) The game was pretty good, McNamara played well. An alien inhabited Darryl Watkins' body, and the alien played with confidence, intelligence and even caught a few passes. He also went up strong a couple times and even blocked a shot and started a fast break.

5) After the game we went back to Stout and I ordered the Peppermint Patty again. Again she brought beers for Bill and Alison, and this time, Rachel too, and didn't bring my drink. About 20 minutes later she finally came back and we decided not to order food, because she still didn't bring my drink.

6) On the way out we saw Michelle Kwan. Not the real Michelle Kwan, Bernie the Asian kid whom we called Michelle Kwan. We left him, but ran into him again in Penn Station. He's out of work now since ESPN Hollywood got canceled. He said Mario Lopez is not gay, on the contrary he gets a lot of ass. He knew the exact number of U.S. and World titles won by Michelle Kwan.

7) We got home safe, Bill and Alison made it back to Pennsylvania safely as well. A good weekend was had by all. Bill loves blizzards.

Grammys at the Pizza Parlor

Read Derek's running Grammys diary including his dad's mean joke about Kelly Clarkson.

Another Fun Website

If you are tired of looking up the value of people's homes now you can see the sex offenders who live in the area. If you've been following this story you will recognize the sex offender who lives near my parents' house.
We can only hope the Concierge is able to stay off this website.
"She told me she was 18, your honor."

Coach Yanky Spanky