Friday, May 30, 2008

$15 Off a Suck and Fuck

After American Airlines announced that it would charge passengers $15 per checked bag, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch came out with this press release:

CARSON CITY, Nev., May 27 /PRNewswire/ -- Today, in the wake of recent airline announcements that travelers will be charged $15 to check their first piece of luggage, a beloved Nevada institution is looking to offer its own fly-in customers something special on the ground...

The World-Famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch, has announced that it will reimburse any customer the $15 baggage fee who shows their claim stub at the brothel. The rebate -- similar to the stimulus tax-return checks currently being mailed by the U.S. government -- are intended to stimulate a warm feeling in Bunny Ranch patrons who might otherwise feel screwed at 30,000 feet without even joining the Mile-High Club.

"As long as the airlines keep sticking it to the consumer, we feel obligated to help," explains Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. "And we won't ask what's in your luggage, even though the girls may be curious. We're all about helping the little guy -- so to speak."

If you don't have HBO then you might not know that the Moonlite Bunny Ranch is the brothel featured in "Cathouse."

15 bucks off a piece of Isabella Soprano

Point Spreads Are Only For the Gamblers Right?

The Lakers beat the Spurs 100-92 to advance to the NBA Finals. After Tony Parker hit a 3 to cut the lead to 5, with 10 seconds remaining the Spurs game up. But Sasha Vujacic kept playing, nailing a 3 as time expired to give the Lakers an 8-point win.

Oh yeah, the Lakers were favored by 7 1/2. I shit you not. Here's the screen grab from USA Today to prove it.

Maybe Her Boobs Got in The Way

Mariah Carey throws (rolls?) out the first pitch at a baseball game in Japan.

I really think her giant bazoombas inhibited her follow-through. I think she would have thrown a strike, pre-enhancement.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Kuff and the Buttheads

I've seen Kuff and the Buttheads several times on Mets Weekly and never been really impressed (the Endy Chavez and Joe Smith songs sucked), but the latest song they showed, about John Maine, was so awesome I decided to share it, and a couple of their other hits.

"John Maine"

"Johan Santana"

"Forget Last Year"

From Slut to Mormon, Thanks Carrie

A young girl who went from slut to Mormon is blaming her whole ordeal on "Sex and the City."
ABC News has the story of "Lisa" who was a 14-year old living on Long Island when she got hooked on "Sex" which led to her getting hooked on sex, lowercase.
It was that year that she lost her virginity, snuck into bars to order Cosmos and cheated on her boyfriend, with 7 guys, in one week.
"Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that's what I did too," says Lisa.
Lisa remembers re-enacting one particular Samantha scene in her own life: Season 3, episode 39, in which the bachelorette-for-life scrunches her face up at her latest suitor and tells him she doesn't like the way he...tastes.
"That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: 'You have funky spunk.'"
Lisa left her "Samantha" ways behind at 19, when she moved to Utah, became a Mormon, married a man within the church and gave birth to two children. For the first year of her marriage, her husband forbade her to watch "Sex and the City" for fear that it would lure her back to her habits of sex, drugs and cosmos.
"I had to sell my DVDs on eBay," she said.

I Bet She's a Master Baiter

Tiffany Shepherd was fired from her teaching job in Florida because she moonlights as a bikini mate for a charter fishing boat company.
Tiffany is listed as a 34 DD who likes playing with her monkey and hates people who drag their feet when they walk.
While she claims she needs the extra money for her three kids, and that she was always in a bikini, the fishing boat company does offer topless cruises.
I think firing her is a bit extreme, she's not really a sex worker, more like a model, this seems unfair.
But if she can make so much more money doing bikini cruises why not go after while your boobs are still perky?

Glad They Could Patch Things Up

New York Governor David Paterson granted British born rapper "Slick Rick" a full and unconditional pardon for attempted murder and weapons convictions to help him avoid deportation.

The rapper, whose real name is Ricky Walters, served six years of a possible 10-year sentence after pleading guilty in 1991 to two counts of attempted murder and eight weapons offenses for shooting his cousin and an innocent bystander.

He was released from prison in 1997 and discharged from parole supervision in 2000. Since then, he has been fighting deportation for his convictions. Under federal law, legal immigrants to the United States convicted of an aggravated felony or a weapon offense must be deported.

"Mr. Walters has fully served the sentence imposed upon him for his convictions, had an exemplary disciplinary record while in prison and on parole, and has been living without incident in the community for more than 10 years," Paterson said.

"In that time, he has volunteered at youth outreach programs to counsel youth against violence, and has become a symbol of rehabilitation for many young people," he said.

I Think Their Friend is Late

There's no I in Pens

Rachael Ray's Reign of Terror

Dunkin Donuts pulled this ad of Rachael Ray because her scarf looks like a kaffiyeh.

A kaffiyeh is a black and white checkered scarf traditionally worn by Palestinians. Because Yasser Arafat wore one it has become associated with Muslim extremism and terrorism.

I know it is not socially acceptable to call people terrorists, but that EVOO and yum-o bullshit are really fuckin annoying.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

John Sterling is An Idiot, Doncha Know

Yankee announcer John Sterling is one of the worst announcers in the history of the world. Because he caters to Yankee fans who love that sort of thing, he creates taglines and obnoxious cheers for each Yankee player. But he gets so involved in his stupid schtick that he doesn't pay attention to the game.

This is just one example, there are countless others, without even mentioning all the times he prematurely went into his "it is high, it is far" gimmick on fly balls that were eventually caught.

A New Place to Keep My Food

Mrs. Poop and I took advantage of the Memorial Day sales and bought a new fridge. The one we had was left to us by the previous owners and was very old. It still worked but a shelf broke making Mrs. Poop furious.
We were slightly constrained by the size limitations of our kitchen, but we were able to get a nice LG fridge (freezer on bottom) for a pretty decent price.

The delivery was scheduled for between 3pm and 5pm, so a little before 3 Mrs. Poop took the non-perishable items (drinks, etc.) out of the fridge and loaded up a bunch of things from the freezer into the cooler.
The deliverymen did not arrive until 6 pm, so I told Mrs. Poop not to tip them, but she did anyway.

Baseball is Poop

Jekyll and Hide
The Detroit Tigers are supposed to have the best offense in baseball. And when they get hot, they can score a lot of runs. They have 6 games of 10 runs or more, plus another 2 times they scored 9 runs. But they've also scored 1 run 6 times, and been shutout 8 times. The dichotomy of their offense is puzzling and combined with their inconsistent pitching, explains why they are in last place.

Welcome to the Big Leagues, Kid
Upstaging the impressive major league debut of Mets outfielder Nick Evans (3 doubles), Cincinnati Reds rookie Jay Bruce, one of the top prospects in all of baseball, also delivered a 3 for 3 day in his major league debut. With two walks and three hits, Bruce became the first player to reach base five times in a big league debut since Kaz Matsui did so for the Mets on April 6, 2004.
Bruce joined Daryl Boston (1984) and Bert Campaneris (1964) as the only players in the last 70 years to have three hits, two RBIs and one stolen base in a debut.
In recognition of his efforts, David Ross hit him in the face with a shaving cream pie during his postgame interview.

Great shot of Bruce connecting
Griffey telling Bruce that 20 years ago he was just like him

The Phillies Are On Phire
The vaunted Phillies offense erupted with 42 runs in the last 3 games. The 20 runs they hung on the Rockies was their most in almost 10 years.

How Are They Doing It?
Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee are second and third in the majors in RBIs but they're doing it without good table setters batting in front of them. Of their 91 RBIs, 27 came as a result of driving themselves in on home runs. And since Berkman has 56 runs scored, compared to 26 by Lee, we can assume Berkman has come home on many of Lee's RBIs. And yes, I know they have Miguel Tejada (.361 OBP) batting in front of them but the two supposed tablesetters are Michael Bourn (.275 OBP, horrible) and Kaz Matsui (.362 OBP, not bad), which makes Lee and Berkman even more impressive.
Lee is batting .318 with runners in scoring position and Berkman is hitting .347.

Carlos Lee, El Caballo, watches one of his 11 home runs leave the yard

Let's See That Again
Instant replay is definitely coming to baseball next season, but only for home run calls. There have been too many disputed home runs (or not home runs), and too many ballparks with strange features (like Houston's vertical yellow line) to risk getting a major call wrong. And the biggest drawback of replay, that it takes too long, is probably moot here because the discussions and ensuing arguments take longer than any replay review would.

Did Matt Holliday Back Up Cooper?
Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was a quarterback on the football team at the University of Tennessee, where he backed up Peyton Manning.
Colorado Rockies outfielder Seth Smith was a quarterback on the football team at the University of Mississippi, where he backed up Eli Manning.
Bonus fact: during Helton's (and Peyton's freshman year) the starting QB got injured and Helton replaced him. Manning didn't get into a game until Helton got hurt also.

Cool Picture of the Week
Umpire Jerry Crawford gets treatment from the Astros trainers after getting hit on the head by Carlos Lee's backswing.

Song of the Week

"Breakdown" - Mariah Carey featuring Krayzie Bone and Wish Bone
I love the cadence and pace of this song. It shows off everything people loved about Bone Thugs back then. Even though they barely do anything on this song it has that smooth laid back sound they're known for.
Plus I think this is the only song I ever heard that uses the word "nonchalant."

Record Label Link

Geremi Gonzalez Killed

Former Mets pitcher Geremi Gonzalez was killed by a lightning strike in his native Venezuela on Sunday. He was 33.

Emergency management official Herman Bracho said yesterday that Gonzalez was struck by lightning at a beach.

Gonzalez pitched for five major-league teams from 1997-06. He started three games for the Mets during the 2006 season, when he was known as Jeremi.

One of his starts for the Mets was the incredibly memorable 7-6 win over the Yankees. Gonzalez gave up four runs in the top of the first but Beltran answered with a 3-run homer. The Mets eventually won on a walkoff single by David Wright off Mariano Rivera.

The righthander appeared in 131 games with 83 starts, compiling a 30-35 record. He won 11 games for the Cubs in 1997.

Gonzalez also played for Tampa Bay, Boston and Milwaukee. He made a combined 24 appearances for the Mets and Brewers in his final major-league season in 2006.

This is the only picture I had of him in a Mets uniform

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Most Delicious Truck Rollover Ever

A truck carrying 14 tons of Double Stuf Oreos overturned on Interstate 80 in Illinois.
The cookies, still in their plastic sleeves spilled onto road.
The driver fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

Mets and Braves Tied at 1...Stupid Fan Plunging to His Death While Being An Idiot

Justin Hayes, a 25-year old Braves fan, was drunk when he fell down a stairwell at Turner Field on Wednesday.
He fell between 50 and 150 feet from the club level to the landing on the field level during the eighth inning.
His parents and friends said he only had a couple of beers at the game and was just having fun, like he always does, and that's why he was sliding down the railing.
As you'll recall, an eerily similar incident (right down to the denials by the family) happened earlier this year at Shea Stadium.

Tempest in a D-Cup

The woman behind these large breasts brought down Maxime Bernier, Canada's Minister of Foreign Affairs. Julie Couillard, the owner of these bazoombas was dating Bernier, and at the time he left sensitive government documents at her house. That led to his resignation. But the real problem was Couillard. The old stodgy types in Canada's government didn't like her past associations with Hell's Angels, apparently she was something of a biker groupie, having married one biker and dated another.
But it seems they most disliked this dress that she wore to the swearing in ceremony last year.

Julie Couillard's big breasts
side boobie action

The Jason Giambi of French Soccer

We all know by now about Jason Giambi's gold thong that he wears to break slumps (it might work, he's 17 of his last 46) and lends to teammates to help them out.
French soccer player Vincent Muratori had his drawers inadvertantly revealed during a game, and maybe he too was in a slump.

Yankees Expletive Network

Listen to this clip from the YES Network.

When the announcers were discussing Staten Island's Terry Crowley who is now the hitting coach for the Orioles, an old clip of Earl Weaver talking shit about Crowley went out over the air.
Weaver said "Terry Crowley's lucky he's in fuckin baseball for Christ sakes. He was released by the Cincinnati Reds, he was released by the fuckin..."
YES says someone in the truck was playing the clip to see if it was appropriate for air, and it somehow got on.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Man vs. Bear

On ESPN's First Take there has apparently been a long running argument as to whether an NFL kick returner could score a touchdown against a bear.
They even had a bear expert and a punt return expert on to talk about it.

First of all, it's true, this is completely hypothetical because a bear would never chase a person. But if it did happen, the bear would easily catch the guy. It's amazing that a bear expert is telling them that a bear can dodge back and forth better than a person because he's on four legs, yet they refuse to believe him. Not even the Windy City Flier could get past an angry black bear.

Keith Rips Gary Carter

Willie Randolph's body isn't even cold yet and already the vultures are circling.
Gary Carter was asked on Sirius if he'd be interested in managing the Mets:

"Boy, I'll tell you what - I would love that, guys. When I saw that on ESPN today I got on the phone and I called Jay Horwitz and I asked Jay, 'Should I try to call Mr. Wilpon?' If there is this going on, I just want them to know of my availability. I'm only a phone call away, because my contract allows me to leave the ballclub. I could be in New York tomorrow, if necessary, because if there's anything at the major league level I can leave this job. The comments that David Wright made saying that, you know, there's no spark, there's no fire - if anything I would love to bring that to the table because you know me, guys, I love the game, have a great passion for it and you know my enthusiasm."

For the record, Horwitz said he told Carter "now's not the time to be making those inquiries."

Carter than backed off saying he was just answering the question. And that's true, his answer would have been perfectly appropriate, except for the part when he called Jay Horwitz. That didn't have anything to do with the question. That's the part that makes him seem like a vulture.

When Gary Cohen ripped Carter for his remarks during Sunday's game, Carter's former teammate jumped on the bandwagon.

"I have great respect for Gary as a player," said Keith Hernandez "He's a Hall of Famer. When Johnny Bench left the game, he was the premier catcher in the National League. But, that being said, and I've kept quiet for such a long time, but for the people out there listening, just go in the dictionary and look up 'unconscious' and you'll find a picture of Gary Carter. I know that's strong, but it just happens too many times and it's just, you're walking around unconscious."

I'm not quite sure why he chose unconscious, it wasn't the best word to get his point across, but I think he was trying to find a nice way of saying "selfish." I think he meant that Carter doesn't see anyone else but himself.

And it is widely known that most of the guys on the 86 Mets hated Gary Carter for his self-promoting ways. He was a straight arrow on that team of thugs and he was ostracized for always being available to the media, to the point that his teammates called him Camera Carter.