Saturday, January 24, 2009

Why Mama Poop Was Standing on the Porch Shouting "Let's Go Mets!" in the Middle of January

It all started when I decided that Diesel deserved a treat every time the Mets won. So after each Mets victory, since at least some time in the 2006 season, I'd declare "Mets win" and Diesel would run to where we keep his treats and sit impatiently waiting for his reward.
In the summer of 2006 while vacationing in Maine, Mrs. Poop's dad accidentally left the backdoor ajar while he was hanging wet trunks on the line in the backyard to dry. Before he knew it Diesel was sprinting across the street. After a few tries of "Diesel" and "come" failed to have the desired effect, a desperate Poppy yelled out "Mets win!" and Diesel came running.
By the time I got outside, Poppy was holding Diesel by the scruff of his neck and saying "thank God for the fuckin Mets."
Two and a half years later (and probably about 200 Mets' wins and "Mets Wins!" later) this most unusual command was needed again.
While Mrs. Poop and I slept after a night of work, Mama Poop was in charge of her grandkids. She was taking Chase outside for a walk, when Diesel barreled past her and out into the street.
Now I don't think he knows enough to look both ways, but he definitely knows to stay away from cars. He didn't try to run away, he just wanted to play. Mama Poop said he was having the time of his life running in the snow on the grassy median on the middle of our road. He was jumping, and running and rolling on his back in the snow.
But Mama Poop had a problem, a runaway dog and a crying baby and nothing she was doing to get Diesel back was working, until she remembered.
She screamed out "Let's Go Mets" and even though she got the words wrong, Diesel came running back.
So remember the advice I gave nearly two years ago: if you are ever taking care of Diesel and he should happen to run out the door, call "Mets win!" and he will come running back.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

No, The Other John Roberts

The Universe must have misunderstood me when I was rooting for bad things to happen to John Robetrs.
And unfortunately the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court got caught in the crossfire.
When reading the oath to Barack Obama you may have noticed Obama stumble over the words. Most people thought this was Obama's fault and immediately questioned how The Infallible One could have a made a mistake for the first time in his life.
But it was later revealed that Roberts screwed it up and Obama paused because of course, he knew what Roberts had said was incorrect.
The Constitution says the president must solemnly swear "that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States." But on Tuesday, Obama said, "I will execute the office of president of the United States faithfully."
So, to avoid any possible challenges to his Presidency because of an improperly administered oath, they did it again.
In the White House, with a few aides and reporters looking on, Obama took the oath again, and Roberts did it right this time.
I hope from now on my evil wishes will be visited upon the correct John Roberts.

Taking Pictures of Kids is Not Easy

It's been one of Mama Poop's fondest dreams to get a good picture of all her grandchildren together. But photographing one wiggly rascal is hard enough, never mind 3. And now that Lyla's here, the grandchildren picture seems like a pipe dream. But at Tali's party we tried to do the best we could.
Here's what happened:

No Chase, stay here:

Don't worry Uncle Paul, I'll hold him:


Ok, let's try this sitting down:

This is the best we're gonna get:

And a bonus photo of the birthday girl:
tired Tali

Mrs. Poop Reveals Deep Dark Secret

Mrs. Poop is part of a cult (that's not the secret). She's a member of an online community of equally crazy mothers and new brides.
She spends several hours a day ignoring Chase, Diesel and me while reading about the lives of these crazy people she doesn't even know.
They speak in their own language and share pictures of their kids.
Recently they shared their weirdest habits.
Mrs. Poop wanted me to read them because it turns out I share all of them.
All my money has to be facing the same way and arranged in my wallet in order of denomination with the singles on the outside.
I meticulously arrange my closet separating dress pants from sweats and jeans, and hanging all the blue jeans on blue hangers.
I don't like my food to touch. And I always eat my food in a certain order, even when I'm eating stew I eat all the carrots, then all the potatoes, then all the beef.
And when I watch TV, I have to keep the volume reading on a divisor of 5. 10, 15, 20, etc.
So as I'm starting to realize that I am crazier than all of Mrs. Poop's psycho-mommy-cult-freaks combined, I finally get to her post.
She admits to always trying to have a pacifier that matches Chase's outfit. I knew this because she actually got compliments about it in the past. She also freaked out when Chase lost the special orange one she bought him.
But what I read next shocked even me.
Mrs. Poop admitted that she can't have the television volume on 13. Every night she goes to bed with the TV on, and lies on the pillow and closes her eyes. Then she remembers, grabs her glasses and checks to make sure the volume is not on 13.
Mrs. Poop is a triskadecaphobiac.
Just when you think you know somebody.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

There's No Crying on Mass Transit

I'm currently re-reading "Marley and Me" to prepare for another big Friday night out at the movies with Mrs. Poop.
Hopefully I'll give it the long overdue Paulo's Book Club treatment and have a movie review also.
But what should I do when it comes time to read the last chapter?

Song of the Week

"I Believe (for Obama)" R. Kelly

A Lot of People Feel This Way About President Obama

At the first Inaugural Ball of the evening (the Obamas attended 10), Beyonce sang the Etta James classic "At Last" for the First Dance by the new First Couple, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama.
I love Beyonce, the way she looks, the size of her ass, the songs she sings, and the way she sings them, except when she sings them live. For the most part the recorded versions of her songs are brilliantly and elegantly sung.
But when she gets in front of a live audience she tends to drag out every note for effect.
Thankfully she didn't do that here. She stuck to the script and the results are breathtaking.

The NFL is Poop - Conference Championships

Arizona Cardinals 32 Philadelphia Eagles 25
It seems to me that the conversation after this game has centered on the losers (and I’ll get to them), but a lot of credit should go to the Cardinals here. For the third straight game they had a perfect game plan, and they executed it perfectly. For the third straight week the Cardinals tried to establish the run early, and used it to set up the pass. At this point everyone knew they had to be wary of Larry Fitzgerald, and for the second time this postseason the Cardinals perfectly executed a flea flicker for a touchdown to neutralize the coverage on Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald’s three first half touchdowns gave the Cardinals a seemingly insurmountable 24-6 lead.
But then Donovan McNabb brought the Eagles back. After a miserable first half where McNabb missed a lot of passes, he led the Eagles on three straight touchdown drives with several perfect passes including a 50-yarder to Kevin Curtis and the 62 yard TD to DeSean Jackson. And he turned over a one-point lead to his defense. And Kurt Warner cut the Eagles defense to Swiss Cheese on a 14-play, 72-yard, 8-minute touchdown drive.
But McNabb had one more chance and he may have used it to permanently cement his legacy. He completed three straight passes to get into Cardinals territory. Then four straight incompletions ended the game the season and maybe his Eagles career.
And that will be the legacy for McNabb assuming he never wins a Super Bowl (with the Eagles or otherwise). Good, but not good enough. So many times he took the Eagles to the edge, but could never push them over.
Does that mean he hasn’t had a great career? No. But to Eagles fans it does.

Pittsburgh Steelers 23 Baltimore Ravens 14
As I suspected, this game turned on quarterback play. Both defenses are so good that it fell on the quarterbacks to try to win (or not lose the game). And despite terrible passing stats (he started 7 for 21) the Ravens were still in the game when Flacco led them on one big scoring driving to get within 2. But with time winding town and the ball in Flacco’s hands he was picked off. Troy Polamalu returned it for a touchdown and the win.
Flacco will be back because with the exception of Ray Lewis a lot of the Ravens best defenders (Terrell Suggs, Bart Scott and Ed Reed) are still young.
As for the Steelers, they’re headed to their 7th Super Bowl, in search of their record 6th win.

Dog Farts

All dogs have gas. It's just part of having a pooch. If you are a dog owner, you learn to live with.
But CNN's Soledad O'Brien doesn't want to live with it.
O'Brien and other members of a Chelsea co-op board are trying to evict a beloved family pet from a the building because they say the dog is smelly and slobbers.
O'Brien, in a 20-page affidavit, complained about the pooch's "size, slobbering, shedding, drooling, gassiness and odors."
"She told me at a shareholder's meeting that my dog stinks," said Steven Lyons, owner of Ugo, a good-natured, 150-pound mastiff.
Lyons, an immigration lawyer, lives with his wife and their three kids in a loft three floors above the journalist on West 26th Street.
O'Brien, the co-op board's secretary, signed a notice on Jan. 5 that terminated the family's lease, the first legal step before asking a Housing Court judge to remove the dog or the family from the building.
"Her behavior has been particularly outrageous," Lyons said of O'Brien.
His wife, Monica Nelson, said, "She did get in my face."
"What's the matter? Aren't you talking to me?" she said O'Brien asked her.
Other board members ridicule Nelson by holding their noses when they ride the elevator with her - even when she's not with Ugo.
Lyons said neighbors had welcomed him to the building after he purchased his $3 million, 4,000-square-foot, eighth-floor apartment in 2003.
But that changed in March 2007 when he got the Neapolitan Mastiff, bred from an award-winning bloodline, in Turin, Italy. By that summer, a newly elected board had begun complaining, despite a co-op agreement allowing pets and the fact that several residents own cats.
Lyons said he began taking Ugo to a pet-grooming salon three times a month and spritzing him with an organic, orange-scented deodorizer. He also offered to use the freight elevator to walk the dog, but the board refused to allow it.
Soon the family will have to defend the dog in Housing Court.
"No family should have to decide between its own shelter and putting the family pet in a shelter," said Michael Schwartz, the family's lawyer.

Seems to me like the pet owners are doing the right thing here. They are regularly grooming the dog to eliminate the offending owner, and even offered a remedy to the situation.
A guy pays $3 million dollars for an apartment he should be allowed to have a smelly dog.
As a mother of four you'd think Soledad would understand better than to rip a beloved pet away from three small kids.
Maybe she needs to read "Walter the Farting Dog" to her kids.

Ugo the Farting Dog

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Maybe Bikini Girl Was Just the Beginning

American Idol is suing an Austin, Texas strip club.
Palazio Men's Club hosts a weekly amateur stripping contest called "Stripper Idol."
Ads for the contest use a logo with a "color scheme, design and font" similar to the TV show's. Waitresses at the club also wear T-shirts emblazoned with the logo, according to the lawsuit.
The suit says "there is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."
And that's the key, will consumers be confused?
And that's why American Idol has no case. No one in their right mind is going to believe that this concert is in any way connected to the show.
So while the club is definitely profiting off the show's images and trademarks, I don't feel it is causing customer confusion.
Except when Katrina Darrell is on the show.

if American Idol doesn't work out for Katrina Darrell, she can try Stripper Idol.  She already has the right shoes for it.

Fur is Murder

I recently got a Facebook friend request from an old friend from elementary and junior high school.
Problem is, she's wearing a fur coat in her profile picture.
I can't in good conscience be friends with someone who wears animals' skin on her back, can I?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Meadow's Side Boobie Action

A little SBA from Meadow. A great way to honor Martin Luther King Jr.

A Virgin? Honey Needed a Slap, Tryin To Tell Me She's a Virgin With Her Yea Wide Gap

A model dressed as the Virgin Mary poses during a performance in Santiago January 13, 2009. A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary -- in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts. The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun's plans for a show featuring the models, and a conservative group tried unsuccessfully to block it in court.