The Clippers Need to Sign Someone Named Stephanie

Not since the Kansas City Royals had Paulo (Orlando) and Yordano (Ventura) has Mama Poop been so excited about a pair of teammates.
But she loves the Los Angeles Clippers high-low pairing of (Chris) Paul and (DeAndre) Jordan.

There is a true story about Mama Poop wanting to buy 6 (or 7) Kirk Cousins jerseys for all her grandkids for one big photo shoot.
Master Bates rejected that idea (evil Giants fan) so now she is turning her attention to DeMarcus Cousins and hoping he gets traded to the Knicks (but not alongside Rudy Gay).

Your Mother and I are Going on a Crooooooze

When Papa Poop asked me to drive them to the port in Bayonne I never expected my parents would later become part of an international news story.
But there they were, shut in their state room on Royal Caribbean's Anthem of the Seas while the ship was rocked during a massive storm off the coast of North Carolina. Waves of 30 feet and wind gusts of at least 75 miles per hour were reported.
At about 3pm Sunday afternoon seas started getting rough and all passengers were asked to go to their rooms and stay there. I believe my parents were seeing a show at the time and dinner afterwards (Papa Poop had agreed to skip the Super Bowl).

So they stayed in their room with nothing to eat except the minibar. Papa Poop ate a Snickers bar, some M&Ms and some grapes for dinner during the game (the TV signal never went out) but poor Mama Poop didn't fare as well, getting seasick.

Today it was decided that the ship would skip their appointed route and turn around and come home because of the forecast of more bad weather. The ship was damaged but mostly superficial, nothing that would make the ship unsafe.

So Mama Poop isn't going to Cape Canaveral or the Bahamas and she's probably not going to take them up on their offer for another cruise at a 50% discount (though she will gladly accept the full refund for this aborted cruise).

But Monday afternoon they briefly had an open bar and a frozen margarita helped ease her nerves.

Mama Poop did say she was fine, but wants off the boat, but is accepting this as a free 4-day vacation.

She was actually planning to zipline too, but all activities of that sort have been canceled.

Maybe next time.

Clever Marketing

They may not have written a good script for “Cars 2” but they certainly knew how to cash in on it. In the theater while watching that scene, Mrs. Poop and I immediately knew that each one of Mater’s clever disguises would be made into a toy car. And sure enough, on a recent trip to the Disney Store Mama Poop and I saw the various Maters on sale, 2 for $10.

We got him Vampire Mater since Mrs. Poop loves “Twilight”



And Taco Truck Mater since I like tacos



We both thought Materhosen was cute, but Mama Poop refuses to buy a German car.

Julian and the Three Very Annoying Bears

This Hanukah we broke Mama Poop's heart. We told her no more singing bears. We hate stuffed animals of any kind because they are useless, never get played with and take up a lot of space. That goes double for stuffed animals that play a song when a tail, foot or paw is squeezed. Unfortunately those actually do get played with. And all at the same time. And since there is a dearth of Hanukkah songs they all play "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel."
Watch the video and I am sure you will understand why we put an end to Mama Poop's short-lived tradition of buying a new singing bear every year.



What a fantastic cameo from Chase. He jumps in, screams nonsense and slaps Julian in the face.

The Universe Gets Revenge On Those Who Get Revenge on Their Mothers

A few years ago Mama Poop thought she was doing something nice for me when she bought me a huge soup pot.
But because of the size of our kitchen and the fact that we already had an adequate soup pot, I declined her gift.
She suggested I keep the pot for Passover but seeing as how we never host Seders, I didn't think this was an effective use of resources, so I suggested she return the pot and get her money back.
Knowing Mama Poop as I do, I knew she would never return the pot. Sure enough, several months later I went to her house and saw the pot sitting there. I abducted it, never telling Mama Poop what I had done.

The problem is, I put the pot with my Passover dishes in the basement and forgot all about it.

So this year, when Chase got sick before the first Seder scuttling our plans to go to Step On Me's we had to come up with a last minute meal. I had an idea. I'll make chicken soup. I just need a pot. So I went to Shop Rite and paid $15 for a soup pot and came home to make my soup. Which is about the time I found the other pot. So now I am stuck with two.




I still have to go back to Shop Rite to return the unused pot. But I'm glad everything worked out and the soup was good.

The lesson as always: never try to trick your mom.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Mama Poop bought Chase some Hanukah cookies, only one problem with them.

Note: this is a lot harder than our last quiz, but the mistake is not as bad as the one with Chase's Purim gift.

A 45-Year-Old Stuffed Animal

An amazing look at the enduring stuffed animal that has been on top of Mama Poop's dresser for as long as I've been alive.
These two pictures were taken roughly 45 years apart.

Passover Humor

Mama Poop's hysterical toilet seat cover.

Why Mama Poop Was Standing on the Porch Shouting "Let's Go Mets!" in the Middle of January

It all started when I decided that Diesel deserved a treat every time the Mets won. So after each Mets victory, since at least some time in the 2006 season, I'd declare "Mets win" and Diesel would run to where we keep his treats and sit impatiently waiting for his reward.
In the summer of 2006 while vacationing in Maine, Mrs. Poop's dad accidentally left the backdoor ajar while he was hanging wet trunks on the line in the backyard to dry. Before he knew it Diesel was sprinting across the street. After a few tries of "Diesel" and "come" failed to have the desired effect, a desperate Poppy yelled out "Mets win!" and Diesel came running.
By the time I got outside, Poppy was holding Diesel by the scruff of his neck and saying "thank God for the fuckin Mets."
Two and a half years later (and probably about 200 Mets' wins and "Mets Wins!" later) this most unusual command was needed again.
While Mrs. Poop and I slept after a night of work, Mama Poop was in charge of her grandkids. She was taking Chase outside for a walk, when Diesel barreled past her and out into the street.
Now I don't think he knows enough to look both ways, but he definitely knows to stay away from cars. He didn't try to run away, he just wanted to play. Mama Poop said he was having the time of his life running in the snow on the grassy median on the middle of our road. He was jumping, and running and rolling on his back in the snow.
But Mama Poop had a problem, a runaway dog and a crying baby and nothing she was doing to get Diesel back was working, until she remembered.
She screamed out "Let's Go Mets" and even though she got the words wrong, Diesel came running back.
So remember the advice I gave nearly two years ago: if you are ever taking care of Diesel and he should happen to run out the door, call "Mets win!" and he will come running back.

All Moms Are The Same

While watching the Olympics with my mom she commented that she found Michael Phelps to be unattractive because of the shape of his mouth. Mrs. Poop's crazy mommy friends are calling him a "butter face" and when you look at him, his teeth are kind of fucked up.

This is not the best picture to illustrate my point, but it'll remind you if you've seen him.



While discussing this issue with some other people I realized that all moms are the same. Whenever they see someone famous with fucked up teeth, a mom will always say "he's got so much money, why doesn't he get his teeth fixed?"



Note: This is not a scientific poll, several moms may be counted twice or even three times if Poop On Me reads this.

Use Your Illusion

My mom has habit of sending around annoying e-mail forwards. We think this is because she is so new to computers that she's still in the infancy of her computer use, 1996 for the rest of us.
But this time Mama Poop sent out something incredible.
Check out these optical illusions.
Make sure you click on the picture to make it larger.

This picture is not animated. Stare at one spot, and the picture will stop moving, relax your eyes and it starts moving again.



This one blew my fuckin mind. Follow the instructions and I swear you will see a small image floating in the air.

The Happys

It was a busy weekend for milestones.

The woman without whom this blog would not exist (because I wouldn't exist) celebrated her birthday on Saturday. Happy Birthday mom!

And one day later my sister, who has adjusted to being called Step On Me (choosing it as the lesser of two evils when compared to Poop On Me), celebrated her birthday by watching little Jenna walk around.

And Monday is the anniversary of the creators of my wonderful niece. You may them know them as Master and Mrs. Bates but my brother and my sister-in-law are more recognizable as Cayla's parents.

August 13th is also the birthday of Billy, and next year it will coincide nicely with his first wedding anniversary, a wedding about which you will be reading shortly.

Happy birthday and anniversary to all.

Silly Hats

Mama and Papa Poop recently traveled to Alaska. She spent every day shopping and came back with these ridiculous hats for her very put upon grandchildren.