Friday, February 01, 2008

This Year's Eugene Robinson Award Goes To...

The Arizona Department of Public Safety confirmed that an officer stopped the vehicle of reserve defensive end Adrian Awasom at 3 a.m. Friday.
Blood test results aren't yet available, Sgt. Tim Mason said, but Awasom was cited on suspicion of driving under the influence and extreme DUI and was released. The threshold for extreme DUI — a blood-alcohol content of 0.15 or above — is more than twice the legal limit of 0.08.
Awasom is on the team's injured reserve list. He was placed there Sept. 18 with a fractured back.
Giants spokesman Pat Hanlon said the team was aware of the situation but would not confirm any details.
Awasom was sent home by the team, Hanlon said.

Super Bowl Prediction

I'd need a miracle to cash in my pool this year...wait actually, no I wouldn't need a miracle. I am tied for 10th place with 52 points. The top 8 are paid. There are 3 people with 55, they are tied for 4th. Then three people are tied for for 7th with 54. Then I am tied with four others. Basically I need to get the game right, and nail the point total to have any chance because if you get the game right you get two points, get it wrong and you lose one, so it's possible to close a 3 point gap.

New York Giants +12 New England Patriots
I've been picking the Patriots all season and they've covered only once in their last 8 games. I expect that trend to keep up and the Giants to cover this huge spread.

I am also picking the Giants to win the game. It's a little bit of a hunch, a little bit of a nod to destiny and a little bit of wishful thinking for Papa Poop and Master Bates. But most of my decision is based on the fact that the Patriots defense has been awful lately. They are old and they can't stop anyone.

I think the Giants can run the ball effectively and limit the number of possessions. I think Giants defense can get pressure on Brady without bringing extra guys and taking them out of coverage. One key turnover, or one key stop on 3rd down can give the Giants the edge in this game.

New York Giants 27 New England Patriots 23
MVP: Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora
Note: It's too easy to pick a QB so I went out on a limb.

Feel free to post in the comments your predicted final score as well as an MVP choice who does not play quarterback.

Reviewing My Preseason Predictions

Here are my NFL preseason predictions with a look at how accurate they were:

1) Marshawn Lynch will be a top 10 fantasy running back.
He was tied for 11th in ESPN's rankings and 13th in Yahoo!'s.
2) Lee Evans will have at least one 200 yard game this season.
His best was 165.
3) The Colts will see a major dropoff this year. They might not even make the playoffs. They lost too many good defensive players.
They did have a drop off, but not in the regular season.
4) The Detroit Lions will have an exciting offense (1,000 yard RB, 1,000 yard WR & 3,000 yard QB) but they'll still suck.
I was wrong about the 1,000 yard back, and their best receiver had 943 yards, but they did suck.
5) Stephen Jackson will fall well short of 2,500 total yards and 20 TDs.
He had 1,273 total yards and 6 TDs.
6) Drew Bennett will have a better season for the Rams than Isaac Bruce.
Bruce had twice as many yards and 67% more catches.
7) Adrian Peterson will be the offensive rookie of the year.
Too obvious.
8) The Falcons will win fewer games than the Raiders.
9) First and last in the NFC East will be separated by 3 games or fewer.
The Cowboys exceptional season put them 5 games ahead of the Eagles who finished last, with an 8-8 record.
10) Andre Johnson will have 1,500 yards and 10 TDs.
He had 851 and 9 games.
11) Vince Young will continue to make strides but lack of a running game will keep Tennessee to 7 to 9 wins.
I had this backward. Young regressed but the Titans won 10 games thanks to a strong running game.
12) Matt Leinart will also have an excellent statistical season (3,000 yards, 2:1 TD to INT ratio), but the Cardinals will miss the playoffs.
Leinart hardly played, but the Cardinals did miss the playoffs.
13) There is only one reason the Chargers won't win the Super Bowl, Norv Turner. But because I think they are so good and so ready after last year's disappointment, I think they will win the Super Bowl in spite of Norv.
Almost, but not quite.
14) The Bears will not make it back to the Super Bowl because I don't think Grossman will solve his turnover problems.
Another one that was too easy.
15) Tampa Bay will be much improved with Jeff Garcia who is steady and Cadillac Williams who will have a good bounceback season after his sophomore jinx.
I'm giving myself credit for this one even though it was Earnest Graham and not Cadillac who led this suprising (not to me) team.
16) Seattle will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl again. Side note: in the NFL, NBA and MLB there is a major imbalance between the two leagues/conferences to the point that at least 3 teams from one league/conference are better than any from the other side.
17) The Patriots will play the Chargers in the playoffs again, this year it will be the AFC title game and it will be an epic matchup.
It might have fallen short of epic, but I'm taking credit for this one too.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

More Puppies

A Super Bowl tradition that our whole family looks forward to each year is back for the 4th time.
The Puppy Bowl is back on Animal Planet.
I'm looking for big things from Bruin and Colt and of course Jack, the lab mix.
My favorite part of the Puppy Bowl is the glass bottomed water bowl with a camera underneath it so you can get a good look at the dog tongues as they lap up the water.

Yay! Puppies!

Here We Go Again

Britney Spears was once again taken to a hospital this morning after another emotional breakdown of some kind.
Initial reports said Britney tried to commit suicide but those were later said to be untrue.
Hopefully this latest incident will be enough to get Britney committed so that LAPD can stop wasting manpower dragging her out of her house on a biweekly basis.
In other Britney news, in this video Britney is doing a little dance and putting on a shirt and accidentally exposing her boob (3:27 mark).

Best Political Ad Ever

The number one thing I look for in someone when determining whether or not I like them, is that they not take themselves too seriously. Even I, who think I am the smartest man alive, can still laugh at myself and all the idiotic and douchey things I do.
So I encourage all Poopheads who are eligible to vote in Oregon's Senatorial election to cast your vote for Steve Novick. He's always found a way to get things done.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Mets Super Bowl Predictions:

David Wright: The Giants because they will put pressure on Brady
Moises Alou: The Giants because they have the better team
Howard Johnson: The Giants because they beat the Buccaneers
Ruben Gotay: The Giants because they have a pretty good team
Carlos Delgado: The Giants but he's not a concierge

Get Well Willy Buns

Michael Wilbon of PTI missed this week's shows, and presumably will miss several more, after suffering a heart attack early Monday morning.
Wilbon reportedly woke up at 3 am with chest pains and got his wife to drive him to the hospital.
Doctors found a minor blockage and did an angioplasty to clear the blockage.
We wish Wilbon a speedy recovery, because we can't stand Dan LeBaturd.

I think that Wilbon may have fallen victim to the Madden Curse. Amazingly, this video saying he was hit with the Madden Curse was made before this heart attack. I guess a bum shoulder isn't enough for that bloodthirsty jinx.

Bob Ryan's Son Dies in Pakistan

Keith Ryan, the son of Boston Globe columnist and occassional PTI host Bob Ryan, died in Pakistan Monday.
Keith Ryan had been in Islamabad since December 2006 as a Homeland Security attache to the U.S. embassy.
He was scheduled to fly home Monday but earlier that day he was found dead.
U.S. officials said Keith committed suicide but according to the Boston Herald, Pakistani news agencies say that Keith was actually shot in the back of the head from several feet away.
As sad as it is to lose a child, it has to be 10 times worse under these circumstances. We feel very sad for Bob Ryan and for Keith's 8 year old triplets.

Song of the Week

"Black Magic Woman" - Santana

Super Bowl Media Day

It's a highlight of Super Bowl week as any media member with a credential (thousands this year) can walk around the field and interview players on both teams. Normally the stodgy old sportswriters who want to ask important questions (like the ones about Tom Brady's boot) get overrun by riduclous sideshows like kids, psychics, puppets and of course, hot chicks.
There seem to have been more hot chicks stealing glances at this year's Media Day than ever before.
So what follows this post is a pictorial tribute to 5 of the finest hos Super Bowl Media Day had to offer. Hispanic hotties, Ines Sainz and Ines Gomez-Mont were joined by Marisol Gonzalez. There was former American Idol Kellie Pickler (who isn't really hot and doesn't fit with these others, but I like her and thought people would like to see her) and finally, the smokingest hottiest hottie of all, Maria Menounos.
As always, all praise for this post goes to Allah, but if Allah leaves any praise left over, it should go to SCZA. He's been doing great work from Arizona and many of the following pictures are taken directly from the Nation.

Super Bowl Media Day Hottie: Maria Menounos

The hottest chick by far at Super Bowl Media Day was Access Hollywood's Maria Menounos. I could write a sonnet about how much I love Menounos, actually I have, and I hope she never finds that notebook. She is definitely one of the 10, nay 5, hottest women in the world. What makes her even hotter is that she knows she's hot and that she doesn't have to dress like a whore to get attention, especially not on media day. And the fact that she wore a Tom Brady jersey made her look attainable (even though she's not), making her even hotter.

Super Bowl Media Day Hottie: Kellie Pickler

Former American Idol contestant Kellie Pickler with her new boobs was asking players presumably very stupid questions. Somehow she got Madison Hedgecock to try on a pair of red pumps.

Super Bowl Media Day Hottie: Marisol Gonzalez

Not to be outdone by their rival TV Azteca, Televisa enlisted the help of Miss Mexico Marisol Gonzalez and her hot pants to get some attention.

Super Bowl Media Day Hottie: Ines Gomez-Mont

Ines Gomez-Mont from TV Azteca arrived with a gimmick. She was going to wear a wedding dress and ask Tom Brady to marry her.

When Tom Brady rejected her she moved on to other players.

Super Bowl Media Day Hottie: Ines Sainz

Ines Sainz of TV Azteca first turned heads at last year's Super Bowl when she interviewed some of the Bears and Colts, and got a little carried away.

This year Ines was back again, but she became more of the center of attention this time than any of the players did.

She also caught the eye of T.O. as she was the only reporter he would talk to in the week before the Giants game.

Sainz is kind of a butter face, but she has a GREAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mets Fans Rejoice

Johan Santana is now a Met. Now all the Mets need to do is show Johan the money, probably 6 or 7 years at $140 to $160 million.
What's great about this deal is that they did not give up Fernando Martinez who will probably be a starting outfielder in 2009 and could be called into duty this year when Alou gets hurt and when Ryan Church sucks.
Carlos Gomez is a good prospect, Mulvey and Humber are mid-level pitching prospects and Deolis Guerra is the jewel of this deal, but he's several years away.
Before we get too excited about this trade we must remember that this does not guarantee the Mets will win or even make it to the World Series, this year, or at any point during Santana's tenure with the team.
But right now the Mets have the best team in the National League, and they should have Santana, Maine and Perez winning 15 games a year for at least 5 more seasons.
This is a great day for the Mets, I can't wait to see how it plays out.

He's going to look great in orange and blue

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Super Bowl Prop Bets


Game Props:
Longest TD of the game: over/under 47.5 yards
Total sacks by both teams: over/under 4
Jersey number of first player to score a TD: over/under 43.5

Giants player props:
Eli Manning passing yards: over/under 229.5
Brandon Jacobs rushing yards: over/under 62.5
Plaxico Burress receiving yards: over/under 78.5
Amani Toomer receiving yards: over/under 52.5
Kevin Boss receiving yards: over/under 22.5
Michael Strahan tackles not including sacks: over/under 4.5

Patriots player props:
Tom Brady passing yards: over/under 300.5
Tom Brady distance of first TD pass: over/under 9.5 yards
Laurence Maroney rushing yards: over/under 85.5
Randy Moss receiving yards: over/under 90.5
Wes Welker receiving yards: over/under 75.5

Cross sport props:
Patriots points -0.5 Kobe Bryant points
Total Super Bowl points +12.5 Wisconsin points
Patriots net yards +0.5 Fairfield, Niagra, Loyola (Md.), Canisius, Manhattan and St. Peter's total points
Tom Brady passing yards -0.5 Wake Forest, NC State, UNC, Florida State total points
Randy Moss receptions even Tiger Woods birdies
Total Super Bowl sacks even Jaromir Jagr shots on goal (CORRECTED)

Super Bowl MVP:
Tom Brady 1-2
Randy Moss 7-1
Laurence Maroney 5-1
Wes Welker 8-1
Eli Manning 7-2
Brandon Jacobs 10-1
Plaxico Burress 8-1
Michael Strahan 50-1

Player to Score First TD:
Brandon Jacobs 10-1
Plaxico Burress 8-1
Amani Toomer 12-1
Madison Hedgecock 40-1
Randy Moss 4-1
Laurence Maroney 5-1
Wes Welker 6-1
Ben Watson 9-1
No TD scored in the game 200-1

Note: There are many, many more, I just picked some that I thought were interesting.

Not Man's Best Friend Today

Chris Gallagher had two Super Bowl tickets coming in the mail.
He requested that a courier leave the package under the doormat.
Instead they slipped the envelope under the front door.
Buddy, his 3-year-old black lab accepted delivery.
Buddy licked, mauled, chewed and swallowed portions of the tickets.
Buddy has also chewed sunglasses, shoes and footballs too.
When Gallagher walked in that night, Buddy zipped out the doggy door as Gallagher saw the remains emblazoned with the Vince Lombardi Trophy scattered across the living room floor.
"He's a troublemaker. But he looks at you with those big eyes and you can't be mad for long."
I know how that goes.
Luckily for Gallagher, and Buddy, the tickets can be replaced.

Mrs. Poop is a Douche

She dropped her pink Razr phone in the dog's water bowl and it no longer works.
Lucky for her she just passed the day in which she is eligible for a new phone.
Also lucky for her, now she can get a phone with a decent battery, because as cute as the pink Razr is, it's actually a piece of shit.

I think she actually dropped it in the toilet but didn't want to admit it.  No, actually I think she dunked the phone in water so she could get a new one without me yelling at her for getting that piece of shit phone in the first place

I'd Hate To Meet Him at the Bottom of a Pile

You know the hype of Super Bowl week has reached its crescendo when backup offensive linemen are interviewed, and the absurdity of their story takes the spotlight away from the absurdity of the story surrounding the game's star player.

Giants backup lineman Grey Ruegamer who went to Arizona State, told a local Arizona paper that he used to castrate lambs with his teeth.

“You grab the forelegs and pin them to the ground, and then you grab the back legs and throw them on their back, away you go. It’s the way the Basques do it.”
Ruegamer became a practitioner when a family friend, who is Basque, asked for extra help on her working sheep and cattle ranch outside Las Vegas, Nev., where Ruegamer grew up.
“I was hesitant. But it is what it is. She needed help. There was beer. Good times. It was worth it.
"You pull them out with your teeth, spit them in a bucket, next one.
“There was other work that had to get done, so we had to hurry with that and move onto the next thing. It’s just a little lamb. It’s not a big animal. I have pictures.
“The blood on your mustache is the worst part.”

Women Can't Live With Em, Can't Buy Em Enough Shit to Make Them Happy

Chris Rock has a famous routine where he describes the three things men want ("feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up"). He then goes on to explain that women only want one thing, "everythang!"
Erin Burnett, a hottie from CNBC known as the "Street Sweetie" takes materialism to a new extreme.
Burnett, who is pretty hot, spends a lot of time on Wall Street presumably getting hit on by very rich Wall Street dudes. Then she goes on TV and gets hit on by Chris Matthews and Jim Cramer.

Somehow through all this Burnett believes the hype that she is worth everything in the world. She gave Men's Health a list of 8 ways a guy can impress her.
Erin is looking for a guy who likes to travel, has at least 10 million dollars and is willing to buy her everything, and I mean everything that she can dream of. I really hope she is kidding with this, but somehow I doubt it:

1. Pack Your Bags
Any guy who can plan a trip to an exotic locale, such as Mongolia, Mozambique, or Papua New Guinea, would impress me.

2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe
You could unlock my heart by allowing me to dream up my next trip. I love to travel, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 countries. I have many more to go.

3. Do Something Special for My Parents
Family is important to me, so round-trip business-class tickets to Australia and New Zealand for my parents would earn you big points in my book.

4. Relax Me
Yoga keeps me calm, so I'd be impressed if you thought to send a yoga instructor to my apartment for private sessions.

5. Help Me Work Out
Finding an exercise bike at my door would be great for rainy days when my Raleigh M80 mountain bike and I are stuck indoors.

6. Edify Me
Reading is a passion of mine, so a gathering with a couple of my favorite authors, especially Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) and Robin McKinley (The Blue Sword) would make for an exceptional evening.

7. Please My Palate
Hiring a personal chef to prepare meals for the few nights a week I am home would be unforgettable.

8. Send Me Packing
A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper. A long weekend spa getaway for my sisters and me would be perfection.

Erin's list inspired my good friend Chez to come up with his own list of ways Erin could impress him:

1. Life's a Beach
I'm a big fan of long walks on the beach, my feet sinking into the sand as cool waves swirl around my heels. If Erin would buy me Hawaii, that'd be awesome.

2. Pleased to Meet Them
Music is one of my passions. I'd truly appreciated it if Erin would get the Replacements back together, including bringing Bob Stinson back from the dead, and pay them to play in my living room -- nightly.

3. The Better to See You With
I can't imagine a more wonderful evening than one that involves Erin and myself curled up on the couch, her rubbing my feet and my tired XBOX hand, watching her on television. This is why Erin should buy me a 70" plasma-screen HDTV.

4. Forever in Her Debt
Since I plan to shower Erin with gifts of all shapes and sizes, buying her anything her heart desires, I can only ask that she pay off all my credit card bills and give me her own cards to use -- you know, just in case of emergency.

5. Please My Palate Too
Like my scrumptious CNBC goddess, I'm a big fan of great food. It's for this reason that I'd like Erin to kill Rachael Ray and bring me her heart. Then go out and buy me something -- anything at all.

6. Family Ties
I agree with Erin that there's nothing more important than family. If she really wants to impress me -- and I know she does -- she'll tattoo a giant image of my beloved Grand-dad on her stomach so that her pubic hair becomes his beard. If by some chance she's fully waxed, that's okay -- Grand-dad needed a shave anyway. I expect her to have the work done at High Voltage Tattoo in Los Angeles, pay for it, then buy me the studio and engage in a threesome with myself and Kat Von D.

7. Like a Prayer
I consider myself a very spiritual person. I wake each morning with a smile on my face and a song of praise in my heart, grateful for the new day that God has given me and the bounty of treasures -- material and rarefied -- that he's bestowed upon me. I put my life in the caring hands of Jesus Christ and accept that there is no obstacle too daunting for the one true God. He will reward those who believe in him and punish those who defile his divine name. Unfortunately, he tends to take his time with the whole punishment thing, so I'd like Erin to buy me the Roman Catholic church, execute Benedict XVI and have me elected Pope under penalty of death.

8. Put Her There
Nothing, and I mean nothing compares to life's simplest pleasures, to wit, a nice cup of tea just before bed. This is why there's no better way for Erin to prove her undying love -- than to teabag me.

Monday, January 28, 2008

How Dana Jacobson Got in Trouble

Here are the first picture of Dana Jacobson at the Mike and Mike Roast. You can see how this behavior eventually led to the comments that got her suspended for a week.

Straight Belvy
Jeffrey Ross pulling Dana Jacobson off stage

Here's Dana's lame apology and awful new haircut:

What Stands Out About This Picture?

Cool picture of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and a woman with incredibly large breasts.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Denise Milani and Denise Milani's bazoombas

Apparently her name is Denise and there's no way her tits are real