I'm A Douche

This morning when I went to the bathroom for the first time at work, I couldn't get my dick out. I had put my undershorts on backwards. Didn't feel any different though.

I'm A Douche

My company is celebrating an anniversary this week so they gave everyone small bottles of champagne to celebrate. Someone came to talk to me and asked why mine was still on my desk. I said I don't really drink champagne, so she said she would take it if I didn't want it.
I said "no, [Mrs. Poop] wants to do this stupid thing. When we buy our house she wants to go there and sit on the floor and drink champagne in a totally empty house. I know it's stupid, but that's what she wants to do."
My colleague replied "that's what my husband and I did when we bought our house."

Oops.

But I'm not as big a douche as this student at Davenport University who tried to do a backflip on stage after getting his diploma.

I'm a Douche

I was so excited to finally take Chase to his first Mets game that I bought them the first day individual game tickets went on sale. I also immediately e-mailed my request to have a birthday message to Chase shown on the scoreboard.
I was very excited for this too, but my excitement turned to dread when I got an e-mail Friday night saying my message would be displayed at Saturday's game.
In my original e-mail, dated March 1, I requested the message be shown on "Sunday August 25th." Problem is, Sunday was the 26th.
After resigning myself to the fact that I would just have to buy the Fan Photo ($15 for a 4x6 picture with a Mets border) of the scoreboard, the Mets responded to my plea for leniency and said my message would instead be shown on Sunday, the correct game. And it was:

Douchey or no harm, foul?

I'm a Douche

Coach John Wooden always warned me, "be quick but don't hurry." When I rush I make mistakes. Eager to get on the road home from Toronto, I was loading the car, dropped the keys into the back and pressed the door close button. I really thought that once you pressed the remote to open a door, you also unlocked it, but that is true only for all the other doors, not the back. Thankfully, when I ran back into the hotel I saw my aunt who gave me her CAA (AAA only with a C) card. I called, the guy was there within 30 minutes. He put what looked like a blood pressure cuff into the door slot. He squeezed the pump, it inflated the cloth part, giving him enough room to insert a long stick with a hook on the end to push the lock open. It was that easy. So the locking of the car keys only cost us about an hour, and some headaches, but I'm still a douche.

I'm a Douche

I am addicted to my Blackberry and I can't possibly imagine going a day without it. That's why I climbed to the top level of the parking garage to retrieve it when I left it in the car.
When I get in the elevator to leave each day I check to make sure I have it. The other day I checked 3 pockets (left pants, left jacket, inside jacket) and couldn't find it. So I stepped out of the elevator, right before the doors closed. Then I put my hand in my right jacket pocket and found my blackberry. So I stepped back on the elevator, right before the doors closed.
Maybe this isn't soooooo douchey but I haven't posted one of these in 3 years (it can't be for lack of doing douchey things, can it?) so I thought I was due.
Plus I'm pretty sure the guy who was in the elevator waiting to go downstairs thought it was pretty douchey.

I'm a Douche

I completely fell for PTI's April Fool's joke.



My first thought was that if this were true I would have heard about it. Then I thought to myself, I was sleeping all day, I just woke up, turned on the TV and saw this. What a dupe I am!

I'm a Douche

I forgot to delete last night's games from my DVR so it was too full to record this afternoon's early games, causing me to miss the Western Kentucky - Drake thriller.
Thankfully I woke up in time to rectify the problem and see San Diego shock UConn.

I'm a Douche

Mrs. Poop bought me some new clothes for Hanukah. This is the outfit she wanted me to wear in our family pictures. I feel like a kid whose mom dressed him up for picture day at school.

I even shaved my beard (not knowing that Mrs. Poop wanted me to keep a goatee, she says I look like a fat kid without facial hair) and went to the barber for a professional haircut. For the previous two years all of my haircuts have been done by Mrs. Poop in our kitchen.

But the pictures came out nice so Mrs. Poop was happy.

I'm a Douche

I left my bag at Mrs. Poop's parent's house, where we stopped on our way home from Maine.
In that bag was my glasses, so I've been wearing contacts all week.
I also left my cell phone charger which is why I haven't been answering text messages this week. I also use my cell phone as my nap alarm, and since I didn't have it, I overslept and was late to work yesterday.
That bag also had my beard and sideburns trimmer. Without it, I couldn't trim my goatee and I just had to shave the whole damn thing off.
And finally I left "Pistol" which I took out of the library and since it's a new book I can't renew, so I have to return it before I can even read it.

I'm a Douche

Just spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out why the links and ads on the blog had been pushed down to the bottom.
Usually this occurs when a picture is too wide. But I checked all the pictures and all the youtube clips and they all seemed to be ok.
Turns out I had too many Os and too many exclamation points in the headline of the Barbaro post. I had to truncate it, but I still think it sufficiently expresses my grief and despair.

I'm a Douche IV

Of all the birthday wishes I've given on this blog I can believe I forgot one of the most important. Billy!
Sunday was the 7th anniversary of the cake-face incident.
For those of you not familiar with the episode, when Bill turned 21 Coach (R.I.P.) bought him a cake and then smashed it in his face. Oh wait, if I recall, Coach didn't even buy the cake.
Sorry for the belatedness, Bill, hope you had a happy birthday.

I'm a Douche III

My company has an intranet site that includes an employee directory. While looking up someone's number I noticed the entry had space for a "preferred name." For instance, if you are named Coach but would rather be called Mike, or you're given named is Joshua but since that sounds pretentious and gay you'd like to go by Josh, you'd fill out that line.
I thought it would be funny to put "Fred" as my preferred name, just to see how long, if ever, it would take for someone to notice. I thought it would be an automatic thing.
Immediately after I made the change, I got an automated e-mail saying my request was being processed. Two seconds later I got another automated e-mail saying the change was done. A couple minutes after that, a real person e-mailed me to ask if I'd like to change my e-mail and network preferences to Fred from Paul.
I said "Paul will be just fine for e-mail and network."

I'm a Douche: Episode II

Sometimes smart people do dumb things. Last week during that awful Redskins game, I went to the bathroom. If you've ever been in my house you know the downstairs bathroom was part of an addition and its therefore very small and has a very small sink. Well, a few minutes later I thought I heard the water running. I went back into the bathroom and I realized I left the sink on because the bathroom was flooded. I tried using a sponge but that didn't work, so I just got a couple of the towels we use to dry off the dog and sopped up the overflow. But my pants were soaked.

I'm a Douche

Earlier this week I stood in the rain for 45 minutes trying in vain to get Giants tickets from Ticketmaster.
Yesterday Adam alerted me to the fact that through work I was able to buy them for $125 ($20 above face). I ordered four tickets and told the Giants fans in my family (dad, brother, brother-in-law) that we would go.
Tickets were to be overnighted, and I had to send them to work because no one would be at home in the morning to get them.
I only changed some of the address info and ended up sending the tickets to 1 Time Warner Center in Fair Lawn, New Jersey.
Since there is no Time Warner Center in Fair Lawn, this posed a problem.
Thankfully I will be able to get them from the will call window on Sunday.