Saturday, January 21, 2012

Troy-Zan King of the Jungle

I've often wondered if I could be on a reality show. I like contests, games and testing myself. I can't do American Idol because I can't sing. I wouldn't survive Big Brother sequestered from my family for 3 months. But other than the hunger, I think I could do well on Survivor. But what kind of video would I make as an audition tape? What do the people who actually get selected submit?

Here's Troy Robertson's video, which got him selected, with a little help from his friends.

A Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photographer using swimsuit models in his video. Not sure I can compete with that. Oh yeah, and there's a good chance he's gay too.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Who's Your Daddy, Khloe?

Many years ago, The Concierge and I were in a supermarket looking through the tabloids. We delighted in laughter at the headline "Armless Man and Legless Buddy Go Tandem on Bike Trip." And it was accompanied by a picture.
It was my favorite supermarket tabloid headline, until now.

OJ is Khloe Kardashian's father

OJ Simpson is Khloe Kardashian's real father! That is awesome.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Thank You Web MD

There are a bunch of crazy people in the world who whenever they feel a tickle in their throats or a pain in their belly, immediately run to the internet, hit up WebMD and diagnose themselves with a serious illness. (It's never lupus)
I am not one of those people. Mrs. Poop is. When I came home from work Tuesday experiencing severe stomach pains, I thought maybe the macaroni and cheese I had eaten for lunch was responsible (Mrs. Poop made it a week earlier). But I wasn't puking up my guts or shitting out my brains, so food-related illness didn't fit.
Mrs. Poop came home and did some rudimentary tests, including jabbing her fingers into my side and watching delightedly as I recoiled in pain.
She encouraged me to go to the ER, insisting if it ruptured I COULD DIE!!!!!

Note: I write that in all caps because she said it in all caps.

I took another hour to reconsider whether it would be just bad gas, or something not serious that would eventually subside. After about 5 hours of intense pain I read the WebMD entry on appendicitis.

You have pain in your belly. Check
The pain may begin around your belly button. Check
The pain in your belly gets stronger and moves below your belly button on your right side. Check
The pain does not go away and gets worse when you move, walk, or cough. Check

The actual ER visit, which I dreaded, was not that bad. I was seen and evaluated very quickly and the nurse practitioner immediately decided I needed a CAT scan, though she wasn't convinced I needed an appendectomy. I quickly drank the liquid contrast (the thing everyone complains about) with no problem and was carted outside to a temporary trailer where they do the CAT scans while the hospital is under construction.

It was quite weird going into this huge tunnel up to your chin, then having to hold your breath. Then they added another contrast through an IV which makes you taste metal and feel like you pissed yourself.

When the results came in it was determined that I did have an infection, and the beginnings of appendicitis. The NP said since I'm in America I would just have the surgery right away. I suppose if I were in a country with socialized medicine they would have sent me home with a couple of aspirin.

They rousted the doctor who did Mrs. Poop's gall bladder last year out of a deep slumber and he agreed to come in and take out my appendix.

Meanwhile, this whole time I refused pain medication. Mrs. Poop was furious. She is a drug-seeker evidently. I was not in terrible pain, I was uncomfortable but I would rather deal with that than get some crazy drug that makes me forget who I am and what I'm doing in the hospital.

my beard looks good from this angle

The doctor arrived quickly. I was prepped for surgery and the anesthesiologist knocked me out good, because I remember telling the guy who looked like Rob Reiner to call me Paul. Then I remember waking up in recovery.

The procedure went well, the appendix was removed, and I was 4 to 6 ounces closer to my weight-loss goal.

But I was starving. Remember, I had been in intense pain since 2pm, and Mrs. Poop warned me that I shouldn't eat, in case I did need emergency surgery, if I had been food free for 6 hours they could operate immediately. But now it was 5:30 am, 15 1/2 hours since my last meal, 14 1/2 hours longer than I normally go between meals, and I was asking everyone I saw to bring me something to eat. The nurses kept apologizing that all they could offer me was jello. I was like, bring it on, I love jello. I had two cups of jello, orange and red and I eventually did get a real breakfast as well, but it included a banana which made me lose my appetite.

Mrs. Poop was due to come get me at around 10am, so the whole thing from walk-in, to walk-out was only 13 hours. But it was 6am and I still had time to kill. They had pumped me so full of fluids so that even though I hadn't had a drink and my mouth was parched, I was still waking up every two hours to pee. With the help of a nurse.

In order to get to the bathroom I had to sidle (I was wearing a hospital gown, open in the back, with no drawers on) past my very angry roommate. Apparently he had some kind of open wound. They covered it up with a dry dressing, then put a wet towel over to try to draw out the infection. Well, he insisted the wet towel was introducing bacteria to the area and that he was sure to get gangrene. He must have read this on WebMD with the rest of the crazies because the nurses (and he asked at least 3 of them) all told him it was doctor's orders which they could not disobey. Later his wackjob brother came in and insisted the valets had rifled through his car the day before. After visiting for a few minutes he left to file a complaint with hospital administration.

Thankfully Mrs. Poop came shortly thereafter and brought me home. About 24 hours after the surgery I feel great. A little discomfort in the area where they poked holes the insert the instruments and remove the appendix but nothing else. I ate a pretty normal diet today and felt fine.

So while having surgery is not great and being laid up for a few days could be a problem for a lesser man, I'm glad I went to the hospital when I did. Thanks WebMD.

Song of the Week

"Red Solo Cup" - Toby Keith
It sounds like it was written by an 8th grader. At least the chorus does. Some of the other lyrics are kind of clever, though the music again is remedial. But it is kind of fun.
It actually sounds like it belongs on one of those Adam Sandler CDs from the 90s.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Crude Sexual Jokes for $800 Please Alex

A Jeopardy! contestant gives an hilarious -- but wrong -- answer.

Did you hear Alex Trebek snicker when they guy said Donkey Punch? I believe Trebek has tried that move a time or two.

Story suggested by Gnitsark

Monday, January 16, 2012

The NFL is Poop - Divisional Playoffs

Fantastic Finish
The Saints=49ers game, marred early by too many turnovers, turned in one of the great finishes in football history. In the final 4 minutes there were 4 touchdowns, each one resulting in a lead change. And these weren't just average touchdowns, great plays were made by Jimmy Graham, Darren Sproles, Drew Brees and especially Alex Smith. He was given no chance to match wits with Brees in the game but when the game was on the line he was awesome. I just couldn't believe the way these teams were marching up and down the field on each other so quickly. And they were being so aggressive in going for it. I thought for sure the 49ers would play it safe and kick a game-tying field goal to force overtime, instead Smith hit Vernon Davis for game-winner.

49ers History
When Vernon Davis caught that game-winning touchdown pass and broke into tears, it immediately reminded many people of a similar catch-and-cry by Terrell Owens for the 49ers to beat the Packers. It was actually the 5th last-minute touchdown catch in a playoff game for the 49ers. You may remember the other 4. There was Owens, of course, Dwight Clark making "The Catch," John Taylor winning the Super Bowl against the Bengals and the last one is a little different. It was Tai Streets from Jeff Garcia in a game that was known for something else. It was the one where the Giants had a 38-14 lead, blew it and had one last field goal attempt, trailing 39-38, and botched the snap.

Order Has Been Restored
The playoffs will proceed without Tim Tebow. The most amazing and polarizing story to hit the NFL in a long time is over, for now. I love Tim Tebow the person, and you could see that he was still trying his hardest when the Broncos were losing by 35. The rest of his teammates certainly were not. The defense, which many people said carried Tebow during the amazing winning-streak, absolutely gave up against the Patriots. They couldn't stop anyone, so they stopped trying. Von Miller seemed like he wanted to get ejected, delivering a cheap shot that started a scuffle. And the offensive line was quite offensive. Tebow was running for his life. The Patriots don't even have a good defense and they collapsed the pocket on every single play. Now Tebow has the entire offseason to work on some things to improve his game. And the Broncos front office should use that same time to find a few players with the heart and desire of Tebow.

They Might Be Giants
You can't pull off a major upset without a little bit of luck. Eli Manning's Hail Mary to Hakeem Nicks at the end of the first half really changed the tone for the rest of the game, and it certainly reminded many David Tyree Helmet Catch. But the Giants didn't win on luck alone. Eli Manning played another great game, sealing his place among the Elite quarterbacks in the NFL. He actually outshone Aaron Rodgers, though Rodgers was hamstrung by butter-fingered receivers who dropped balls, and fumbled them.

Heavy Heart
Prior to the game, Giants defensive back Derrick Martin, who spent two years with the Packers, consoled Green Bay offensive coordinator, Joe Philbin. Last week, Philbin's 21-year-old son, Michael was reported missing. His body was discovered in a river near the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. The funeral was Thursday and Philbin was back at work on Saturday getting the Packers ready for the Giants.

Picture of the Week
Those Packers fans really love their crazy hats.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England Patriots 20 New York Giants 17

At this point no one should count out the Giants (though they are not a certainty to beat the 49ers) but I just feel like the Patriots are too good right now. And they won't get caught off-guard this time by an upstart like the Giants.

You Knew This Was Coming

Jenna Dewan-Tatum shows off her Golden Globes at the Golden Globes.

I know no one has ever heard of her, and this picture is not great, but these were the best breasts I could find, because I'm not willing to use Salma Hayek and Sofia Vergara every year.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Expect the Tebowing Trend to Die Down Now

Maybe now that the Broncos have been eliminated from the playoffs, in embarrassing fashion, the trend of people photographing themselves Tebowing will die down. But I couldn't let that happen without showing you this image of porn star Samantha Saint striking a pose.

Porn star Samantha Saint naked Tebowing

And I also think this weird sect of Tebowmania is also deserving of attention.