Friday, December 15, 2006

Creamy Italian

An Illinois high school student is accused of putting his bodily fluid (namely his semen) into salad dressing in the school cafeteria.
The student admitted he put the semen into a container of ranch dressing in the student commons dining area.
Ingesting semen can spread HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.
Pizza Parlor Derek is thinking "now you tell me."
At least 50% of the girls in the class were thinking, "I think I've had this dressing before." And a few of the guys.

That reminds me of a scene from Van Wilder.

Can You Reach That For Me?

Bao Xishun is the tallest man in China, and in fact the world. He spends his days helping neighbors reach things off high shelves.
But this time he was called in for a special mission. Two dolphins got sick after eating plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium.
Xishun was called on to stick his 3 foot long arms down the Dolphins throats and remove the obstructions.

Crazy or Friendly?

I was in Target shopping for a Hanukah card. Out of nowhere this woman who is also in the tiny Hanukah card section shows me a card she thinks is funny. It was three snowmen, two wearing scarves and the other wearing a tallis.

Is this woman crazy or friendly?

We were in Costco trying to find a dog bed. A woman also shopping for dog beds asked what kind of dog we had then said she had a 170 pound mastiff.

Is this woman crazy or friendly?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Fighting With the Elderly

I followed up last week's fight with old people, with another brief set-to with an elderly person.
We went to Costco and the parking lot was a zoo. About five times Mrs. Poop pulled into an empty spot only to see it filled with about 15 shopping carts. So we finally chose one with only 3 carts and I got out to move them. As I was getting out of this car this old woman, who could clearly see what I was doing, dumped her cart into the spot I was about to clear.
Turns out, this old bag, left her bag in the cart. So I picked it up and said "you forgot your purse. Maybe if you weren't in such a hurry to dump your cart you would have remembered it. Next time bring your cart to the cart receptacle."

The Costco parking lot brings back great memories, because in late September-early October 2001 Mrs. Poop and I witnessed a great parking lot dispute at Costco on Staten Island.
A woman sent her daughter to stand in front of another car to prevent the other lady from taking the space. As she drove away that lady yelled out her window (in the shrillest Staten Island accent you can imagine) "what are you from Afghanistan?"

brings out the worst in people

Knievel v. Kanyevel

Evel Knievel is suing Kanye West, claiming West infringed on his likeness in the video for "Touch the Sky".

In the video West goes by the moniker "Evel Kanyevel" and is wearing a red, white and blue jumpsuit, similar to the outfit Knievel wore for his many jumps in the 1970s and '80s.

Knievel also claims the "vulgar and offensive" language used in the video damage his reputation.

Song is just ok, but I love the trumpets, sampled from Curtis Mayfield's "Move On Up."

Song of the Week

"Walk Away" by Paula DeAnda


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Last Year on the Poop

I've fallen behind on my anniversary posts so here's a recap of what I've missed:

Pizza Parlor Derek and I started our college football playoff vs. current system debate.

I posted a bunch of pictures, some of Diesel and a lot of myself in my various jerseys.

We found out what would happen if the Justins mated.

Gratuitous post with sexy pictures of Elisha Cuthbert.

Mike Piazza Sucks.

I dodged Ilana Cohen. I forgot all about this.

There's nothing worse than wasted talent.

The NFL is Poop - Week 14

Young QB Edition
Thanks to my brother-in-law Derick and the lucrative nature of shareholder lawsuits, I was able to enjoy NFL Sunday Ticket on two TVs this week. So I gauged the development of a total four young QBs (not including Rivers and Romo). What follows is my assessment.

The Real Deal
I was wrong, the Wonderlic was wrong and the Texans were really wrong. Vince Young is going to be an awesome QB. He's going to be a cross between Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick with the killer instinct of John Elway. He's a better more accurate passer than Vick and he's also figured out when to run and when to stay put. He also drops back in the pocket sometimes as opposed to Vick who is always on the run. For as much as I criticize Vick you wouldn't believe me, but I think a running QB is a great dimension because it's a bonus to have a guy who can pick up key first downs with his legs. I was really impressed with Young (which you've figured out by now) and I felt confident he was going to win the game, and obviously so did he.

VY is finding ways to win

Nice Game Pretty Boy
Matt Leinart has taken over the Cardinals and made a 1-8 team into a 3-1 team (over the last 4 games). He's played well in all four of those games, completing more than 62% of his passes over that span. Nothing really stood out, but I noticed that watching him he didn't look like a rookie. I think he is also helped by good receivers (especially Fitz) who caught some tough passes, and took some short passes and turned them into longer games.

A pretty good player when he doesn't have his dick in some hot blonde

Jury's Still Out
Not overly impressed with Jay Cutler (and I've seen 100% of his NFL starts). He looked ok but on a "making it" scale, Vince Young is a can't miss, Leinart is a strong likelihood, Cutler is a maybe. That said, he has a lot of the physical tools, but we know quarterbacking is about a lot more than throwing far and throwing hard. But I still think Shanahan made the right move going to him. The goal is to win the Super Bowl, and no one thought they could win a Super Bowl with Jake Plummer. Maybe at the beginning of the year when the defense was hurting people, but now the defense is average at best. So if they had stuck with Plummer they probably could have made the playoffs and maybe even won a wildcard round. But they give themselves a better chance to win a Super Bowl in the future if Cutler develops as they hope he will.

I don't think Pizza Parlor Derek trusts him yet

My Guy
I've got to admit that I was pleased with the performance of Jason Campbell. He showed a good arm and also showed the ability to run for first downs. He got the team into an early hole with a couple of interceptions but one was on a tipped ball. He also didn't quit and almost rallied the team back. I look forward to the Jason Campbell era in Washington.

I believe Jason Campbell is our future, teach him well and let him lead the way

Windy City Flyer
Bill and I are in love with Devin Hester aka Anytime because anytime he touches the ball. He might score. He did it twice against the Rams, the first time answered a long Rams touchdown drive. The second one was just for show. Hester the NFL record with his 6th touchdown return of the season. He's done it on punts, kickoffs and even that field goal miss against the Giants. One of the most exciting players in the NFL.

I love calling Bill after a Hester return and hearing him yell --Windy City Flyer -- into the phone

Cheerleader of the Week
Many of you, knowing my love for the Redskins and for hot black women, have asked me when was I going to name a Redskins cheerleader or a black cheerleader as COTW. Well, I've decided to kill two birds with one stone.
Enjoy Jamilla of the Washington Redskinettes.

Jamilla is 30 years old and has been on the squad for 4 years. She loves R&B and hip-hop (common ground) and her favorite group is Floetry (look for a SOTW from them soon in Jamilla's honor). Her favorite book is that "Purpose Driven Life" bullshit. She likes seafood, snuggling and Marcus Washington (more common ground).

Game of the Week
New Orleans Saints 42 Dallas Cowboys 17
Ok, so this wasn't a close game, but this wasn't a good week for close games. I just liked watching the Saints imaginative offense. And I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Cowboys and their wunderkind Tony Romo get his ass kicked.

Game To Watch
Cincinnati at Indianapolis
This will be a real test for Colts because they are really struggling and if they lose this game that would be 3 in a row and 4 of the last 5. They are also in jeopardy of losing their first round bye. The Bengals are starting to put it together and this would be another huge step towards the playoffs for them.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Disappointed they didn't complete that comeback against the Eagles. Getting behind so big early, as the result of some bad luck in part, put them in a hole for the rest of the game. I think Gibbs should have been a little more aggressive going for TDs especially when the lead was still big. The playcalling at the end of the game in the red zone hurt, but they had to kick a field goal and hope to get the ball back once it became fourth and long.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
San Diego Chargers 50 New Orleans Saints 49
And it would be the highest rated Super Bowl ever. Both of these teams can put points on the board. The Saints defense is still very suspect, but the Chargers now lead the AFC and are clearly the strongest team top to bottom in the NFL.

One Opponent Ali Couldn't Whup

Muhammad Ali once vowed to whup "Mr. Tooth Decay" he even made a record about it. But unfortunately his efforts are for naught as kids still get cavities to this day.

I Liked It

Watched "Ali Rap" and I have to say I really enjoyed it. Thankfully it didn't make too many connections between Ali and rap music. The showed had as many clips of him rhyming as possible, then a lot of his other good quotes were read by famous people, including rappers. The float like a butterfly sting like a bee stuff was really cool.
The show was followed up with another hour called Ali's Dozen, 12 of his best rounds.
If these shows re-air, which they probably will you should check it out, or get the book for Christmas.

What Would TON Do?

Arizona freshman Chase Budinger chose basketball over volleyball even though he had the potential to make the U.S. volleyball team for the 2008 Games in Beijing.

"What would you do if you were Chase Budinger, two-sport schoolboy folk hero? Would you pursue your unlimited potential in volleyball, nurture the talent that could earn you an Olympic gold medal, fulfill the promise that Mike Rangel, the longtime coach and trainer for Karch Kiraly -- the sport's Michael Jordan -- casts in historic terms? "As a high school senior, Chase was head and shoulders better than anybody we've ever seen at his age in the game of volleyball," says Rangel. "He's the closest thing we've seen to Karch Kiraly in 30 years."

Or would you follow the white-haired basketball sage, forsake college volleyball and cast your lot with Arizona coach Lute Olson, who started watching you during your freshman year of high school and predicted to his staff, audaciously and accurately, that you would become the finest player from San Diego since Bill Walton? After all, the sport's Michael Jordan -- Jordan himself -- raved to Olson about the 6'7" redhead with the 42-inch vertical leap ("Man, I love that kid") after guarding Budinger at his Flight School camp last summer.

Basketball or volleyball? The sport in which Budinger was named the co-MVP of the McDonald's High School All-American Game last March, joining the select company of Kevin Garnett, LeBron James and Dwight Howard? Or the one in which he admits he has more skill? Budinger's decision was crystal clear at the start of McKale Madness, the annual fanfest that kicked off hoops practice at Arizona on Oct. 13. While his teammates danced and shimmied onto the floor as their names were announced, Budinger sauntered out wearing sunglasses, with a beach towel draped over his shoulders. Then he symbolically chucked a volleyball into the crowd. Guess I won't be needing that for a while."

"It was such a tough decision," says Budinger (pronounced BUD-ing-grr, with a hard G in the last syllable). "I love both sports, but basketball has always been my passion. If I had to choose between a volleyball game and a basketball game on the same night, I'd always choose basketball. Focusing on basketball was something I'd never done before, and I really wanted to try it." In the near term, volleyball fans hoping to check out Budinger's skills will have to settle for grainy YouTube clips and familiar moves transferred to another sport. As his father, Duncan Sr., points out, "You'll see him go up for a dunk, a block or a rebound with a quick jump -- boom, one-and-a-half steps, up! -- and recognize that it's a volleyball approach." Not that volleyball is entirely out of the picture. Budinger is still holding out the possibility of making the U.S. Olympic team, either in 2008 or further down the road. (Olson says he'd have no problem with his young star playing in the Beijing Games.)

In SNY Studio

SNY hired Lee Mazilli to be the in-studio analyst for 85 games this season. He'll do pre and post game with Matt Yallof. Mazilli wasn't renewed as Yankees bench coach.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Shocking Arrest

Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI. That isn't shocking, like Jimmy Conway told Henry Hill, everyone gets pinched. The mugshot isn't even that bad considering it was nearly 5 am and she was going the wrong way on the freeway. How did they know which way she was going?
The shocking part, or maybe not so shocking, is that her booking sheet lists her at 5'1" and 85 lbs.

Btw, she may not have been drunk, reportedly she wasn't, but admitted to taking Vicodin and smoking pot.

Congratulations, Troy

Troy Smith, QB of The Ohio State University, won the Heisman Trophy by the second largest margin ever. The largest margin came in 1968 when the trophy was won by O.J. Simpson.
Congrats, Troy, you're in great company.
Let's just hope Smith never has to sell his Heisman to pay off the parents of the people he killed.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

USC Cheerleaders are Idiots

After UCLA scored a touchdown against USC, UCLA kicked the extra point, and a USC cheerleader (Song Girl) got confused and cheered for the wrong team.

The sad thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened. During the Rose Bowl last year a USC cheerleader did the same thing after Texas had scored a touchdown.

And there are also a lot of other times when a confused USC cheerleader was caught inappropriately rooting.

Focks is Furious Again

Jason Marquis signed a 3-year, $21 million deal with the Chicago Cubs. And his ERA was over 6 last year.