Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Song of the Week

"Soldier Boy" - The Shirelles
And Papa Poop turns to Mama Poop and says "hey baby, they're playing our song."


I'd had this picture of Adam Bender saved as a drafted post for about 6 months, not knowing quite what to do with it. I guess you never know when you are going to need a little inspiration.

ESPN's E-60 also did an incredible piece on Adam Bender.
Warning: this piece will bother your allergies.

Maybe in 2009 we should all try to be a little more like Adam Bender and a little less like ourselves.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Even When He Was Little He Was Big

Hilarious picture of a young (12 year-old) Fat Scat and the ridiculously 80s (hair and dress) Razor at her Bat Mitzvah. Laugh at them.

Fat Scat and Razor at her Bat Mitzvah

Monday, December 29, 2008

Good News Bad News

Mello Yello is going to be ok.
But it's going to cost $2800 to fix her.
Now I know the Nissan dealership is a ripoff, that's why I stopped going there for service. But I don't want to go through the hassle of having it towed to another station for an estimate.
He said the problem was something with the distributor (not sure if any Poopheads know anything about cars) but it was going from 6 cylinders to 4 to 3 while I was driving.
A bitter pill to swallow but I'm glad my car is going to be ok.

I Think I Found My Purpose in Life

I've always been a big fan of vocabulary, and now I have a new passion, Bro-cabulary.

Here's a brief description of the book:

"Bro-cab-u-lary (n.): A revolutionary new lexicon for bonding with your bros
Put down your BlackBerry, you PDA-hole, and cancel that masturdate it's time for Brocabulary: a bawdy new dicktionary. This crucial addition to your guybrary will put you in the testosterzone, whether you're being fandiloquent at the game or barticulating during a fargone-versation. Find out how to:
Define your stripping point (the precise number of J├Ąger shots that make a woman want to get naked with you).
Elect yourself the next Abraham Drinkin' and make an Inebriation Proclamation ("Four whores and seven beers ago . . .").
Stop brocrastinating! It's time to become everyone's guydol by leaving your mark on dudescussions for generations to come."

While all that sounds nice, what really caught my attention was the chapter on wingmen called "Winglish." The book suggests that one of the best wingman you can find is the "cere-bro." The bro who is smart and always keeps his head and can talk to women for you. If this doesn't remind everyone of the time we were in Mexico and I was carrying on 5 different conversations with 5 different girls for 5 different guys (ALL IN SPANISH!) then you're not giving me enough credit. I even had to call a girl's house and speak to her father to find out when she'd be home.

Your bro-cabulary word for the day is cere-bro: the most awesome bro you know.

Paul and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

It all started when Grandpy fell.
Once that happened there was no choice but to move Mrs. Poop's grandfather to a nursing home.
That set off a chain reaction of events that resulted in the worst day ever.
Once Grandpy fell and had to go the nursing home, Nanny (Mrs. Poop's grandmother) was left alone, and she needed to go with him.
They finally got all this to happen and it seemed like it would be the best thing for both of them, they'd be together, they'd have constant care and Mrs. Poop's parents wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.
Until a stomach virus ripped through the nursing home.
Grandpy got it. Both of Mrs. Poop's parents got it and were laid up for several days.
But because Grandpy was 91 years old he wasn't able to fight it off as well. It turned into an infection and eventually pneumonia, and he died on Christmas Day.

Mrs. Poop went up to Connecticut with Chase and Diesel after work on Christmas Day, I did the same after working the following day.
It was good to hit the road because Mello Yello hadn't been driven in a while. Ever since I got laid off I hardly drove her, and even when I started the new job I took the train so she'd basically been sitting there for 6 weeks.

Everythiing seemed to be going fine until Mrs. Poop woke up Saturday morning with the stomach bug that had been going around. She stayed in her room during the Christmas brunch with the cousins so as not to get anyone else sick. But it didn't work. When I woke up Sunday morning, I had the poops.

Because Grandpy died on Christmas Day it complicated some of the logistics of laying him to rest. So it was decided that there would be a small family service on Wednesday (I planned to go home for 2 days then come back for it) where Grandpy would get the full military salute.

To truly honor Grandpy's memory a luncheon was arranged in his honor at one of his favorite places, the Polish National Home in Hartford. We'd had his 90th birthday there and he loved the kielbasa and all the other foods which comprise the Polish plate.

But because I woke up so sick Sunday morning I decided to skip the lunch just go home. I packed my car and headed out. When I stopped for gas (always shut off your motor) I couldn't get Mello Yello to start. I called Triple A but Mrs. Poop's dad suggested I try starting it with the car in neutral. It worked. But I foolishly decided to try to get it home, instead of having it fixed locally.

I made it three-quarters of the way home but I could tell there was something wrong. Every time I stepped on the gas the car shook. The RPM needle was fluttering. When I slowed to exit 684 and get onto 287, I couldn't get her back up to speed. She basically shut off and I rolled her to a stop in a very precarious position on a small shoulder between the highway and an exit ramp.

Once again I called Triple A, but they couldn't take me off the highway. Another tow truck got me off the highway, took me to a shopping center, then finally the Triple A truck came, and was able to bring me all the way to New Jersey. But this ordeal took about 5 hours.

It just so happens that in the same Stop N Shop parking lot where I was waiting in White Plains, NY another Triple A customer called because she was locked out of her car. So after getting my car on the flatbed the driver had to jimmy her door open. And as we were pulling away another person flagged down the tow truck, because his battery died and he needed a jump. So at least someone benefitted from my misfortune.

Right now Mello Yello sits at the Nissan dealer, the same dealer I stopped going to for service because they ripped me off the last time (charging me $100 to change a headlight).

And when I called Mrs. Poop to tell her what happened, I learned that Nanny fainted at the lunch and had to be taken to the emergency room and spent the night in the hospital.

Not a good way to go into a brand new year.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

One Bad Apple

Sometimes the actions of few, or even one bad individual can taint an entire race or group of people.
Jews who have spent the last 60 years calling all Germans "krauts" may now get a small taste of their own medicine.
Disgraced investment guru Bernard Madoff is accused of orchestrating a $50 billion Ponzi scheme.
No, I'm not comparing him to Hitler, I'm just using an extreme example to illustrate my point.
Even though Madoff stole the majority of his money from fellow Jews and ruining several Jewish charities in the process, Madoff enforced some of the worst steretypes about Jews.
While delivering shockingly great returns for his clients, Madoff earned the nickname "The Jewish T-Bill."
But now that Madoff's fund collapsed and all the money is gone those in the community fear this case is fanning vicious stereotypes about Jews that go back to the Middle Ages.
The Anti-Defamation League cites a spike in anti-Semitic comments online after Madoff's Dec. 11 arrest. A columnist for the Israeli newspaper Haaretz lamented the case as "the answer to every Jew-hater's wish list."
And the American Jewish Committee's executive director, David A. Harris, wrote a letter to The New York Times criticizing what he saw as "a striking emphasis" on Madoff's faith in one of the paper's many stories about the scandal.
The case is "fodder for the bigots," Abraham H. Foxman, the ADL's national director, said in an interview this week with The Associated Press. "It's both embarrassing and it's painful."


It's difficult to describe the case in any detail without mentioning Madoff's religion. The 70-year-old money manager and former Nasdaq stock market chairman donated hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, much of it to Jewish causes. And many of the known victims of his business, Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, are big names in Jewish life.
Yeshiva University, one of the nation's foremost Jewish institutions of higher education, lost $110 million; Hadassah, the Women's Zionist Organization of America, lost $90 million; director Steven Spielberg's Wunderkinder Foundation acknowledged unspecified losses; and a $15 million foundation established by Holocaust survivor and writer Elie Wiesel was wiped out. Jewish federations and hospitals have lost millions and some foundations have had to close.


Adding to the sense of betrayal in the allegations against Madoff are worries about whether they feed into centuries-old, ugly caricatures of Jews.
Since Jews served as lenders in medieval Europe, where they were barred from many other occupations, they have sometimes been portrayed as miserly, greedy and obsessed with money. In just one example, Shakespeare's Shylock, the Jewish character who demands a pound of flesh in payment for a loan in "The Merchant of Venice," has become synonymous with usury.
Anti-Semitic broadsides have peppered the Internet in the wake of Madoff's arrest, some in highly visible public-comment sections of popular news sites.
Some get removed by the sites' administrators or draw replies noting there are bad apples of all creeds and in all walks of life. Victims also extend to all creeds and walks of life — banks, insurers, pension funds and even the International Olympic Committee are among those who say they've been taken by Madoff.
Still, the scandal has reverberated throughout the Jewish community. This week, representatives of about three dozen Jewish foundations met in New York City to come up with a plan to help Jewish nonprofits that lost money with Madoff, said Jeffrey Solomon, president of the Andrea and Charles Bronfman Philanthropies. Solomon said the foundations agreed to contribute to a pool of money that will be distributed to hard-hit organizations.

Normally stereotypes such as the Irish are dunks, or black people like fried chicken are mostly harmless. But the reason this one hurts so much is because this is the exact rationalization Hitler gave to the Germans when explaining the need to exterminate all Jews. And 70 years later our own people are living down to Hitler's opinion of us.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Maybe He Got Teased to Death

Actors who become so associated with a certain role that they can't find another job, or even walk down the street without being reminded of that one character they once played.
This phenomenon sent Michael Richards on a racially charged rant.
I fear it may have driven John Costelloe to suicide.
Costelloe played Jim Witowski on the Sopranos, but he was better known to his fans as "Johnny Cakes."
His love affair with Gay Yankee fan Vito Spadafore became one of the show's most enduring storylines.
New York police confirm that John Costelloe's body was found Dec. 18 in his Brooklyn home, an apparent suicide.

I love you Johnny Cakes

UFC Picks

The UFC usually saves its best card for its year-end show and this year is no different. On the card for UFC 92 is Forrest Griffin vs. Rashad Evans, Antonio "Minotauro" Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Frank Mir and Wanderlei Silva vs. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson.

NOTE: I will not be able to watch the show until Monday night at the earliest. The mother fucker who ruins even the slightest bit of the action for me will get put in a Peruvian necktie. That means no text messsages SCZA. Thank you for respecting my wishies.

All three fights could main event a PPV card. I think they're all more intriguing than the main event at UFC 93, Rich Franklin vs. Dan Henderson.

I made my picks (complete with method and time of victory) for our Fantasy UFC game e-mail me if you want it, but I happened to see the odds on the fights and thought I would post my thoughts here.

Wanderlei Silva is a 6:5 favorite over Rampage Jackson. I'll take Silva in this one. Both guys are strikers who hit very hard. But Rampage seems to be too much of a wildman. He'd still be champion if he had a better strategy against Griffin instead of standing there and let Griffin chop his legs out. And following his subsequent mental breakdown I can't be certain how much Rampage wants to fight.

Minotauro Nogueira is a 7:2 favorite over Frank Mir.
I was really surprised that Mir this big of an underdog. I do expect Nogueira to win because he has great jewjitsu especially for a man of his size, but I really thought this one would have been a near coin-flip.

Forrst Griffin is a 7:5 favorite over Rashad Evans. I really like Evans. I think some MMA purists don't like him but he has much more skills than Griffin. Griffin is great but I'm not sure he'll be able to do any damage to Evans who should be able to the fight he wants, which is usually the recipe for victory.

TON's Golden Shower Movies Are a Little Different

During Notre Dame's Hawaii Bowl win over a Hawaii a Notre Dame player got hit so that paint came flying off his helmet. Dave Pasch's description of the play was a little misleading however.

Story Suggested by Pizza Parlor Derek
PPD texted me to tell me about the Golden Shower but I never got his text. My cell phone does this weird thing sometimes. It's on and it looks normal but it can't send or receive texts or phone calls. So I never know it's not working until I try to use it, which is usually never. When I tried to make a call and it didn't work I just turned it off, then on again, like rebooting a computer, and in came PPD's text, 2 days late.

Weekly Picks

My temporary cold streak has degenerated into a season-derailing slump. I've got one week to pick myself up before the playoffs begin and I think I have just the best bet to do it.

oakland +13 TAMPA BAY
Seems like something is seriously wrong with the Bucs. And the Raiders seem to have a good deal of fight left in them.

detroit +9 1/2 GREEN BAY
Of all the teams with their lives on the line this week I think the Lions have the most to play for. They don't want to be the only 0-16 team in NFL history. And they have played a lot of close games this season. It doesn't seem like they have given up and resigned to their fate.

chicago +2 1/2 HOUSTON
The Bears still have a chance here. It's not impossible for the Giants to beat the Vikings which would give the Bears the division title if they can win their own game. Houston is incredibly overrated.

new england -6 1/2 BUFFALO
There are a lot of teams in the league that will lose even when they have everything in the world to play for. The Patriots are not one of them.

ARIZONA -6 seattle

The Cardinals do not want to go into the playoffs like this. I expect them to do their best to restart their offense and they should win by a touchdown at home against a bad team.

Last Week: 3-2 (2 points)
Season: 41-39 (45 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (10-6)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (9-16)
Home Underdogs: 1-0 (4-1)
Road Favorites: 2-1 (18-8)
Road Underdogs: 0-0 (9-13)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

Friday, December 26, 2008

Race War

When Rashad Evans and Forrest Griffin meet in the Octagon at UFC 92 they'll be fighting more than each other. They'll also be grappling with racial stereotypes that have existed since even before Jackie Robinson broke baseball's color line. Each of them embodies all the traits (both good and bad) athletes of their race are perceived to possess.

Let's start with the black guy, Rashad Evans. He's immensely talented and has all the physical gifts. He has tremendous speed and power and he moves so effortlessly it almost seems as if he's floating. In fact, the way he moves, coupled with the confident way he talks and acts, has earned him that other tag for black athletes, "arrogant."

Rashad Evans wins with ease

That stands in stark contrast to Forrest Griffin who despite being champion of one of the most talent-laden weight classes in the UFC is self-deprecating to a fault. Not only that, Griffin clearly lacks the physical gifts of some of his peers (a simple comparison of physiques will that you that much) and instead he gets by on guts and guile. Griffin's best strategy is often to use his face to injure his opponents' fists. Several times Griffin has endured so much punishment that his opponent wore out, and Griffin emerged from the fight with a win, and a face that made you say "if he won, I'd hate to see the other guy."

Forrest Griffin often gets motivated by the taste of his own blood

The enduring post-fight image of each fighter just as perfectly illustrates what I'm trying to say. There's Rashad Evans, casually wiping the sweat from his brow as if to say "ain't no thang." And there's Griffin, arms raised triumphantly, bloodied, but not beaten.

You've got physical gifts and arrogance of the black guy against the humble white guy who gets by on heart.
Who'll win out? Probably the guy who bucks the stereotype.

You've Got To Admire Their Ingenuity

High school kids in Maryland have invented a new game called "Speed Camera Pimping."
Here's how it works: find a teacher or student you don't like and take down his or her license plate number.
Go home and create a high quality digital reproduction of the license plate.
Print it on glossy paper and affix it over your real license plate.
Drive through a known traffic camera at a speed in excess of the limit.
Laugh when your target gets a ticket in the mail.
These pesky kids even used the same model or the same color car to make their prank more convincing.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Don't Forget What I Said About the Clown Car

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar added another member to their ridiculously engorged family, little Jordyn-Grace joins her 17 brothers and sisters in this nuclear (explosion) family.
I won't go into all the details again but this continues a disturbing trend of people procreating irresponsibly in the pursuit of a show on the Discovery Channel. Add the Duggars, Jon and Kate and the two dikes who each had twins to the growing list of people who became famous doing things with their uteruses they probably shouldn't have done.

The NFL is Poop - Week 16

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Teams -- To Lose Anyway
There five games pitting teams that needed to win to boost their playoff chances and against teams that were mathematically eliminated. Of those teams only the Dolphins and Bears won (and not convincingly) but the Broncos (to the Bills), the Jets (to the Seahawks) and the Eagles (to the Redskins) all lost. It makes no sense, but it should once again prove to you that those television talking heads who preach about the "desperate" team, are dead wrong.

Run Out of Town
In the Old West there would be a shootout at the corral and the losing Cowboy would be run out of town, never to return again. That's sort of what happened to the Dallas Cowboys who will likely never play in Texas Stadium again. When the Cowboys scored with four minutes left to cut the lead to 19-17, that's when the Ravens ran them out of town. Next play, Willis McGahee runs for a 77-yard touchdown. The Cowboys offense picks the defense up with a 2-minute touchdown drive to get back within 2 points. Next play, Leron McClain runs for an 82-yard touchdown. And pretty much knocked Dallas out of the playoffs an into their new billion dollar stadium.

One Game From History
The Detroit Lions are about to do it. If they can't beat the Packers on Sunday they will be the first team in NFL history to go 0-16. What's interesting about this is that the Lions don't really have a good excuse. The Tampa Bay Bucs were an expansion team. Some other all-time bad teams lost key players to injury. Sure the Lions have had quarterback trouble, and they traded Roy Williams midseason, but they're just brutally bad. But maybe this all-time worst season will encourage the owners to completely clean house and bring in a team of executives and coaches who can turn this thing around for good.

Game of the Week
New York Giants 34 Carolina Panthers 28

We would all be lucky if this turned out to be the NFC Championship game. This was a great, competitive, well-played game. Something tells me if these two teams do meet again the Panthers will spend a little more time game-planning for Derrick Ward. Ward ran for 215 yards on 15 carries including a 51-yarder in overtime that pretty much ended the game.

Game of Next Week
Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers

A lot subplots to this game. Most importantly, the winner makes the playoffs and the loser doesn't. Also, it's the last game of the regular season, in prime time on NBC. The Chargers will be looking to make up for a bitter lose at the hands of the Broncos (and Ed Hochuli) earlier this year which torpedoed their season. And finally, Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler hate each other.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
It's really nothing to get excited about but it was nice to beat a division rival and knock them out of the playoffs. In fact it makes it even more painful that at 8-7, the Redskins could have been in great playoff position if they hadn't lost games to two horrible teams (the Rams and Bengals). Even one victory in those 2 games (especially against the Rams) would be enough to keep them alive, assuming everything else stayed the same. But the real problems with this team were revealed in this game even though they won. They cannot make plays to win games. The offense can't make a key first down to keep themselves on the field. And the defense can't get make the third down stop to get themselves off the field. And that's what happened on the last drive by the Eagles that came up inches short.

Cheerleader of the Week
Alicia of the Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleaders
Alicia is one of the hottest Asian cheerleaders on any squad in the NFL. She also says she'd love to be a pro poker player, which is a plus and she can drive stick shift in 4 inch heels, which I think is a plus. However she refused to answer the key question asked to all Eagles cheerleaders "Geno's or Pat's?" Her answer was "Both make great cheesesteaks." I take that to mean "you think I eat cheesesteaks with this figure?"

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
New York Giants 21 Tennessee Titans 17

Order has been restored to this space.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Softening on Secret Santa

I have always opposed Secret Santa and pretty much any other kind of forced gift-giving. No one enjoys it and usually someone ends up getting screwed. So you can imagine my dismay when in my first day at my new job I was drafted for the office Secret Santa. Everyone in the office was complaining about it and it seemed to be nothing more than a perfunctory exchange of gift cards.
Being the new guy I didn't think it was in my best interests to recuse myself from the gift-giving so I grinned and pretended to be interested. When I reached into the bowl to make my choice I selected my own name. I had a fleeting moment where I thought I should just put the slip in my pocket and say nothing to no one. But instead I threw back my name and selected another.
With the spending limit set at $25 I asked Mrs. Poop to pick me up a Best Buy gift card for $20. The Secret Santa provided for some lively discussion around the office for a couple days, with pretty much everyone just bitching about it. But when the time came to exchange gifts the recipient of mine was very pleased, and even I made out well.
I got a $20 gift card from Starbucks. Sure, I don't drink coffee. And it was once my claim that I had never purchased anything at a Starbucks, but I've since broken that streak. I will happily share my gift card with Mrs. Poop and even enjoy a couple of Peppermint Hot Chocolates of my own. But in thanking the gift giver I was able to stir up a good conversation about coffee and working nights and it turned out this whole absurd endeavour actually served me quite well in incorporating me into the staff at my new job.

Song of the Week

"Christmas Song" - Natalie Cole
Merry Christmas to you!

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,776

I e-mailed Mrs. Poop this picture. And all my shirts are ironed anyway.

Iron my shirt bitch

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Someone Liked What They Saw

The executives at the porn production company Black Ice evidently liked what they saw of Visanthe Shiancoe. They (like some of you) saw the NSFW picture of Shiancoe's cock and were impressed enough to offer him a role in an upcoming movie.
The company's GM said "From what we’ve seen, there is definitely a career for Visanthe in the adult industry," quite possibly in Bubble Butt Barbecue 3.

Jim Boeheim Gets Tough

After a devastating loss at the buzzer to Cleveland State Jim Boeheim takes out his frustrations on a malfunctioning microphone during the postgame press conference.

[Correction: this happened two days earlier after a win against Long Beach State.

That was the angriest I've seen him since his famous "10 fuckin games" speech.

Scariest Thing Ever

Chase just fell down the stairs.
He and I had come home from buying Mrs. Poop's Hanukah present.
She was upstairs getting ready so I put him on the bottom step and let him crawl up.
When he got to the top step I assumed Mrs. Poop had her eye on him so I went to the basement to hide her present.
Then a minute later I heard the unmistakable clomping of his sneakers on the kitchen floor.
I look up and see Chase standing at the top of the basement steps, looking like he's about to come down after me (only he hasn't mastered climbing down the steps the way he has going up).
I scream for Mrs. Poop and she doesn't answer, I scream louder and still no answer.
I run up the stairs and grab Chase and realize Mrs. Poop was upstairs the whole time.
We have no idea how he got down the steps safely.
To see if he actually has learned how to go down steps Mrs. Poop put him about five steps up and went to the bottom. On the first step down he couldn't quite reach and he tumbled down.
Thankfully Mrs. Poop grabbed him before he hit his head.
He didn't even cry.
He looked a little freaked out but not upset.
So how the hell did he get down the stairs the first time?

Finally, Something Worth Paying $10 a Ticket For

I have been down on Hollywood for the past 10 years or so for its seemingly purposeful refusal to make any good movies. The storyline has been taken out and replaced with either the big explosion or the completely gay romance.
But it recently came to my attention that three movies I would love to see will be hitting theaters within the next month.

First of all there's Marley and Me. Based on one of the best books I ever read (but surprisingly never added to Paulo's Book Club, Marley and Me is about life as a dog owner. As long as the horrible actors (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston) don't ruin it, it's going to be an hysterical tear-jerker that anyone whose ever loved an animal, particularly a mischievious labrador will love.

On a completely different note there's Gran Turino starring Clint Eastwood. Eastwood portrays a man trying to put off old age by kicking the ass of gang members half his age. His angry at the world mentality calls to mind Michael Douglas in "Falling Down" and his lone badass crusade is reminscent of Samuel L. Jackson in "187." And if that doesn't sound good to you, then you're reading the wrong blog.

And finally, if there's one thing Hollywood usually can't screw up, it's a biopic. Pick an interesting person and stick to the script without too much embellishment, and you should have a winner. It remains to be seen if that's the formula they chose for "Notorious," about Christopher Wallace aka Biggie Smalls aka the Notorious B.I.G. but I'm sure I'll love it anyway.

But probably the only movie I'll see in the theater is "Twilight" because Mrs. Poop has being dying to go.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I Can't Find Any Reason I Won't Love This Show

I like "Friday Night Lights." I like "Entourage." I like Ice Cube. I like LeBron James.

So I think I am going to like this.

"LeBron James has partnered with O'Shea "Ice Cube" Jackson and ABC for a one-hour drama based on James' experiences as a high school hoops phenom. The series, described as "Friday Night Lights-meets-Entourage," will follow an inner-city 15 year-old prep star who is transplanted to a small town school and forced to come of age while dealing with media pressure, unscrupulous moneymen and the jealousy of his peers.

The pilot script is expected in the coming weeks and, if the network approves, production on the pilot could begin in the spring for a fall '09 premiere. CubeVision and James's newly formed entertainment entity Spring Hill Productions will oversee for the network, while James and Cube will serve as co-creators and executive producers."

And coming summer 2010, the kid moves to New York.

How Did a Nice Jewish Boy Get Tangled Up In This?

The greatest Jewish player in Mets history, Art Shamsky is getting dragged through the mud by his bitter ex-wife.
Kim Shamsky claims Art gave her a sexually transmitted disease after cheating on her with both men and women.
In her lawsuit, Kim Shamsky says that during their 13-year marriage Art "engaged in acts of adultery with both men and women." And these escapades included "acts of 'unprotected' sex and deviate sexual intercourse"
Kim says she was informed by her doctor she had contracted the human papilloma virus (HPV).
The suit claims Shamsky continued to have sex with her although he "knew that an individual or individuals with whom he had engaged in sexual relations had contracted HPV or that he had contracted HPV."
Kim, who says she suffered "serious physiological and emotional injury," is asking for $11 million in damages.
Art's lawyer, Pat Crispo, dismissed the entire lawsuit as "frivolous" and insisted Shamsky is free of sexual disease. "This is the act of a very angry ex-wife who has maligned him in the press."
Shamsky played for the Mets from 1968 to 1971 and batted .300 in 1969 when he platooned with Ron Swoboda.

Something About That Mouse Pisses People Off

One restaurant is getting reputation nationwide as a place where wild brawls frequently break out, often between drunken customers.

The last place you'd think I was talking about is Chuck E. Cheese, but police have been called to break up 12 fights, some of them physical, at the child-oriented pizza parlor since January 2007. And that's only at the Brookfield, Wisconsin location.

The biggest melee broke out in April, when an uninvited adult disrupted a child's birthday party. Seven officers arrived and found as many as 40 people knocking over chairs and yelling in front of the restaurant's music stage, where a robotic singing chicken and the chain's namesake mouse perform.

Fights among guests are an issue for all restaurants, but security experts say they pose a particular problem for Chuck E. Cheese's, since it is designed to be a haven for children. Law-enforcement officials say alcohol, loud noise, thick crowds and the high emotions of children's birthday parties make the restaurants more prone to disputes than other family entertainment venues.

One look at this mouse and you want to punch someone in the face

The environment also brings out what security experts call the "mama-bear instinct." A Chuck E. Cheese's can take on some of the dynamics of the animal kingdom, where beasts rush to protect their young when they sense a threat.

Amid pressure from local politicians, some Chuck E. Cheese's have stopped serving alcohol and added security guards who carry pistols.

CEC has been tightening safety rules to deter fighting in other ways. In Milwaukee, the store posted a sign outlining a dress code that prohibits what it calls "gang-style apparel." That location also implemented a code of conduct that prohibits knives, chains, screwdrivers and glass cutters. CEC is considering systemwide signs at popular games such a machine that draws digital pictures of customers to let people know there may be a time or token limit. Making the machines more expensive to use is another option, but Mr. Huston says that is "inconsistent with our value message."

In Pennsylvania, Susquehanna Township police are searching for suspects involved in a Nov. 9 altercation at a Chuck E. Cheese's outside Harrisburg. The police department gets called to respond to disputes at the restaurant as many as 15 times a year, Police Chief Robert Martin says.

This most recent assault, described in police reports, occurred after a woman in her 30s approached a 6-year-old boy who was playing a videogame. When the boy went to insert more tokens to continue playing, the woman grabbed the tokens out of his hand and told him to stop hogging the game. The boy went and got his 26-year-old mother, who walked over to the woman. The woman began screaming at the boy's mother, and another suspect, a man in his 30s, grabbed the mother by the throat and pushed her against the videogame machine. CEC employees had to pull the man off the mother. Both the man and the woman fled the scene.

In Toledo, Ohio, four women were charged with disorderly conduct after a melee erupted at a Chuck E. Cheese's there last year. According to police reports, it started when parents complained to the restaurant manager that children were loitering at the drawing machine. The children were Barbie Clifton's daughters, then 14 and 10 years old. Ms. Clifton had come out of the bathroom when she saw a woman yelling at her daughters and her friend.

That touched off a fight between more than 10 people, in which participants punched and screamed at each other. One woman removed the red rope that marks the entrance queue and handed it to another woman, who swung the metal clip attached to it at others involved in the incident.

Reginold Bell, a 45-year-old Milwaukee social worker, says that a child "assaulted" his 8-year-old son at a local Chuck E. Cheese's while the boy was playing in the Sky Tubes, a jungle gym with slides. Mr. Bell confronted the man who appeared to be the child's father, setting off an argument in which the man "used some vulgar vernacular," says Mr. Bell, who reported the incident to the police department.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Spelling Bee Champion Greeted With Congratulations, a Big Sign and Irony

Seventh-grader Michael Smith won the spelling bee at Carmel Middle School in Charlotte.
He then went on to a larger bee involving students from other schools. He finished third.
To congratulate him, the next day when he arrived at school he was greeted by a giant sign congratulating him.
Only problem, his name was spelled wrong. And "congratulations" looked wrong too, but just because the I and O were on top of each other.

Weekly Picks

Another disastrous week because of one of the shitty New York teams. Games are getting harder to pick as teams with everything to play for face teams with nothing to play for, and often lose anyway. I've got to turn this around as all of my percentages have gone to shit after a hot start.

miami -4 KANSAS CITY
This is the first game that will put my theory to the test that teams needing wins to make the playoffs often lose to horrid teams just playing out the string. I know the Dolphins have a big game against the Jets in Week 17 meaning they probably have to win both to get in the playoffs, but if they do, they win the division. Unfortunately they have had a history this season of winning close against bad teams. But 4 is a small enough number to make me feel comfortable.

philadelphia -4 WASHINGTON
The Eagles are on fire and right now the Redskins are the second worst team in the league though I'm not so sure they'd win a rematch against the Lions right now.

new orleans -7 DETROIT
The Saints are the most predictable team in the league. They will go to 8-7 this week and lose to the Panthers next week to wrap up a season where they had every possible even record. The Lions have fought hard but I think they'll get behind early and give up.

OAKLAND +7 houston
When did the Texans get to be so good that they should be a touchdown favorite on the road? Last week was an aberration, they're mediocre at best. Not good enough to win by 8 over the Raiders.

TAMPA BAY -3 san diego

The most underrated team in the league versus the most overrated team. When are people going to realize that the Chargers suck and worse yet phoned in their season five weeks ago. The Bucs lost 2 straight, but to strong opponents. They'll win this one to stay alive in the NFC playoff race. If they win this one, then they play Oakland next week needing to win to get in. Sounds like a dream scenario.

Last Week: 2-3 (1 point)
Season: 38-37 (43 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (10-5)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (9-15)
Home Underdogs: 1-0 (3-1)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (16-7)
Road Underdogs: 1-3 (9-13)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,775

During yesterday's big Northeast snowstorm Mrs. Poop and I decided to run some errands. We took Chase (sealed in a plastic bubble) and Diesel to the post office (holiday cards coming soon to a mailbox near you if we have address handy) and to the butcher (we got there just in time for the man in the fur hat to let me in before they closed) and when we got home I stayed outside to shovel.
When I was finished Mrs. Poop was making me hot cocoa. And she added little marshmallows on top, put some peppermint candies at the bottom (which melted beautifully to give it a minty taste) and topped it all off with whipped cream. A delicious delight to warm my frozen belly.

Barack Obama Uses Our Favorite Word

In speaking to children at Chicago elementary school Barack Obama was asked about the new puppy he's planning to get for his daughters.

"I want to make sure my daughters take care of this dog, and if they do their business, and you've got some poop, you don't just leave it there."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella

Most Poopheads are probably dealing with snow in one way or another (either your watching it fall through your window and enjoying it as I am or you are commuting through it and hating it) so I thought I'd bring a little sunshine to your life.
I hope this smile by Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman (who is 2 votes ahead of Al Franken) will bring a smile to your face.

norm coleman aka Chompers has the most ridiclous capped teeth I've ever seen

Bristol Palin's Baby-Daddy's Mother Arrested

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Johnston is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla 18-year-old who received international attention in September when Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, announced their teenage daughter was pregnant and he was the father. Bristol Palin, 18, is due on Saturday, according to a recent interview with the governor's father, Chuck Heath.

Troopers served the warrant at Johnston's home at the "conclusion of an undercover narcotics investigation," said a statement issued Thursday by the troopers as part of the normal daily summary of activity around the state.

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance -- generally manufacturing or delivering drugs -- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

Advice for TON

It has come to my attention that TON is heading to Canada this weekend to do some skiing.
As a veteran of at least 20 road trips to Canada I thought I would offer some advice for a Canada novice.
This is what you do when you are going through customs:
1) Turn the radio off. Not when you pull up to the window, but as soon as you get in a lane
2) Do not talk. Once again, this policy takes affect 5 minutes before you approach the customs agent. Use this time to formulate your story.
3) Admit to nothing. You are not bringing booze, gifts, firearms, vegetables or exotic animals to the country.
4) Prepare your travel documents. Documentation for every passenger in the car should be given to the driver and readied to hand to the agent.
5) Play man or lady. And give the person who takes lady 2 to 1 odds.

Note: failure to take these steps may result in you getting pulled over for a random search of your vehicle. Ask JLeary and FatScat about this.

The NFL is Poop - Week 15

What’s Wrong with the Giants?
The Giants were able to withstand the loss of Plaxico Burress (before he shot himself in the leg) but now his absence seems to be affecting the team a little more. Eli Manning was sacked 8 times by the Dallas Cowboys, many of those were “coverage sacks” because the Giants receivers couldn’t get open. If Burress takes up two defensive backs, that creates room for other receivers that isn’t there in his absence. But Brandon Jacobs is a much bigger loss for the team. Without him, the Giants will not repeat as Super Bowl Champions.

Miracle at the Meadowlands II
The Jets were about to see their season go up in smoke as they were about to lose for the third straight week. They trailed the Buffalo Bills 27-24 with just over 2 minutes to go. The Bills faced a 2nd and 5 on their own 27. The Bills had run all over the Jets all game and surely could have gotten 5 yards on two carries by Marshawn Lynch. Instead Dick Jauron and his staff chose to rollout quarterback J.P. Losman. He was sacked from behind and Jets lineman Shaun Ellis scooped up the ball and rumbled into the end zone for the game-winning touchdown.

Collateral Damage
Referee Jeff Triplette got leveled from behind during that Shaun Ellis return, and landed right on his face. Triplette suffered a bloodied but not broken nose and even worked the rest of the game with cotton stuffed up his nose.

Game of the Week
Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Baltimore Ravens 9

The Pittsburgh Steelers win in dramatic and incredibly lucky fashion for the second week in a row. This time they don’t have Tony Romo to thank, it’s the officials who gift-wrapped this victory. On 3rd and goal with less than a minute to go the Steelers trailed 9-6 to the Ravens in what had previously been a field goal battle. Santonio Holmes caught a Ben Roethlisberger pass with his feet on the goal line, but did he ever get the ball there? It didn’t look like it, and that was the ruling on the field. But upon further review referee Walt Coleman overturned the call. I’ve seen the play 100 times since then and I still can’t make up my mind. I have no idea how Walt Coleman thought he saw indisputable visual evidence.

Game of Next Week
Carolina Panthers at New York Giants

Unbelievably this game is for homefield advantage in the NFC playoffs. And if the Giants lose this one they'll have to win next week (or get a Vikings loss) just to stay in position for a bye. And with the way things are going right now it would be surprising if the Giants could turn it around against a very hot Panthers team.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
I have no idea what happened to a team that got off to such a promising start. But right now they are horrible. I know there are injuries on the offensive line, but even so, losing to the Bengals is inexcusable. I don't want to see Jim Zorn get fired but he has to figure out something to right this ship for next year and to get Jason Campbell back on track.

Cheerleader of the Week
Erin of the Baltimore Ravens Cheerleaders
Erin is a part-time nanny from Ashburn, Virginia (that's Redskins country) whose career goal is to make a difference in people's lives (seems pretty vague to me). Her favorite movie is "Freedom Writers," which I have never heard of. It starts Hilalary Swank and McDreamy and it's about a teacher making a difference in people's lives. Maybe that's where Erin got the idea.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Pittsburgh Steelers 10 Carolina Panthers 9

Major changes in this category this week. The Titans lost to the Texans but they seem to have it in cruise control. However, I do think the Steelers can go in there and win if for no other reason than they seem to have luck and fate on their side. The problems look more serious for the Giants who are feeling the effects of injuries to their offensive line. They haven't score a real touchdown on offense in the last two games. The NFC spot in this game will be made easier for me when the Giants play the Panthers.

He's Got His Work Cut Out For Him

Syracuse named Dough Marrone as new head football coach.
Marrone is the offensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints.
I like the fact that Marrone is a Syracuse alum who wants to restore pride back to the program.
I loved the statement he made at his introductory press conference, "Today is the greatest day of my life. This is my school and these are my people. You're going to be proud, and we're going to win football games."
What I don’t like is the fact that he is not well-known and likely won’t have much pull with recruits.
And recruiting is 90% of success on the college level.
It remains to be seen if he can bring back the top high school kids to Syracuse.
But he can’t be any worse than Greg Robinson.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Could You Live Without The Poop?

A recent survey conducted by Intel asked people which they would rather give up for 2 weeks, sex or the internet. 46% of women said sex and 30% of men did. Those numbers seem really high but because like all these stupid surveys, this one is incredibly flawed. It failed to take into account that people use the internet for hours everyday. But normal people only have sex once every 2 weeks (at least that's what Mrs. Poop tells me) and for only 2 minutes at a time (at least that's what I tell Mrs. Poop).
But if you asked Poopheads, I'm pretty sure they'd all say they'd rather give up sex than the internet.

Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler

A Pennsylvania couple is furious that a New Jersey Shop Rite refused to put their kid's name on his birthday cake. They're appalled that the store objected to making a cake that says "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler."
That's right, they named their little boy Adolf Hitler Campbell. Too bad no one stopped them when they tried to put the name on his birth certificate.
Clearly the parents are Nazis as Heath Campbell named his daughters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie.
Thankfully for the Campbells a Wal-Mart was willing to make the cake the way they wanted it.

Go Bowling

Pizza Parlor Derek and I will be competing in ESPN's College Bowl Mania. The object is to pick all 34 Bowl games then rank them according to confidence.
Then you have to join the group called "Paul's Poop."
Pretty simple right?
That's why I expect all of you to participate especially those of you who think you know more about college football than I do just because the school I went to has a shitty team.
It's Put Up or Shut Up Time for you State Penners.
And hurry up, the first game is Saturday, though I think you can still participate after the first few games have been played.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Throw the Book at the Shoe-Thrower

Sure the guy is guilty of “initiating an aggressive act against a head of a foreign state on an official visit” (which is an official criminal charge in Iraq) but of graver concern is that his actions wrought on one of my favorite WYB? Contestants. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino had her beautiful face disfigured in the skirmish following the shoe-thrower’s action. She appeared in front of the White House Press Corps sporting a black eye.

Song of the Week

"Ring of Fire" - Johnny Cash
My new boss was singing this morning and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. But I don't think he was happy when he sang "I fell in to a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Beers's New Favorite NFL Player

More than 20 years after its release "Teen Wolf" lives on thanks to Beers who has been indoctrinating his three young sons with the movie since birth, and now thanks to Tampa Bay Buccaneers lineman, the former Greg White. White legally changed his name to Stylez G. White, in court. He modernized the name of that loveable scamp "Stiles" to come up with his new moniker.

Stiles in his what are you looking at dicknose t-shirt

It should be known however that Stiles is not Beers's favorite character in the movie.
He prefers, in order, Coach Bobby Finstock, Boof, Chubbs and of course the girl whose job it was to hold the jello.

Reports of Derrick Coleman's Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated

The former Syracuse great was besieged by phone calls after internet rumors reported that Derrick Coleman was broke.

Coleman, who earned nearly $100 million in his NBA career, says he’s doing just fine thank you.

The confusion started when Sherwood Studios announced a liquidation sale of “the entire house of furniture and accessories” from Coleman.

This part was true but Coleman says the items came from a home in Franklin Lakes, NJ that he no longer lives in.

Since his other home is now fully furnished he saw no reason to keep paying to keep the stuff from the New Jersey house in storage.

In fact, Coleman has become quite the entrepreneur in his post-playing days, becoming a Tim Horton’s franchisee.

He recently open a Tim Horton’s in Detroit, the 500th location in the U.S.

Given my combined loves of Timbits and DC, I hope to visit this location if I’m ever in Detroit.

But hopefully I’ll never be in Detroit.

Another Disappointment

Just when I thought this year’s SU team was different comes another letdown.

What started of as a promising season with wins over Florida and Kansas quickly became a painful reminder of the past two seasons.

Granted, the loss to Cleveland State was of the heart-breaking variety as CSU’s Cedric Jackson chucked up a 60-foot prayer with two seconds left that won the game for the Vikings.

But there’s no excuse for not pounding an inferior team, at home, during this pre-conference play lull.

SU now has a game against Canisius then a tough game against Memphis (in Memphis) looming on Saturday.

Let’s say they go into conference play with an 11-2 record.

If they finish 9-9 in the Big East (which could be a best-case scenario), that would make them 20-11.

Add another loss in the conference tournament and SU could once again find itself squarely on the bubble come March.

And I haven’t even mentioned that Eric Devendorf could get kicked out of school.

Adventures in Editing

This well-edited clip shows the absurdity of the Governor Blagojevich scandal and the media coverage of it.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at

Monday, December 15, 2008

Changes in Store for American Idol

American Idol has already added a 4th judge (Kara DioGuardi) for this season, but there are some other changes this season as well when the show starts on January 13th.
There will be fewer audition episodes and more Hollywood-round episodes. The shift increases the show's emphasis on talented performers and shies further away from the crash-and-burn spectacle of less-talented attention-seekers.
I'm totally in favor of this. The bad performances get annoying really quickly. And a lot of times I feel badly because I think they are picking on borderline retarded people.
Also, this fixes one of the problems with the show. Idol wannabes have often complained that in the early rounds of fan voting those people the producers chose to profile on TV had a better chance of making it through than those who were never shown. This should give more exposure to more contestants.
In order to further emphasize the focus on the most talented singers, the semifinalist rounds will feature the top 36 contestants instead of 24.
The "wild card" round will return, which gives eliminated contestants a chance to come back into the competition for one of the top finalist spots.
The network will not air an "Idol Gives Back" charity telecast next year, but does plan to hold the event in the show's ninth season. Moving forward, "Gives Back" will become an every-other-year event.

Let's See Obama Move Like That

President Bush shows off some quick reflexes as he dodges two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist at a press conference.

Showing someone the sole of your shoe is considered a serious insult in Iraqi culture. But the guy was so dumb, he used the actual shoes he was wearing. So not only was he shoeless, but he'll probably never get back his nice loafers. He should have bought a cheap pair and Payless and thrown those.
Also, he threw the first one, then had to bend down to take the second one off his foot. He should have had both in his hands and been ready to go. Amateur move.
Also, his exclamation his one chance to be heard around and the world and he chose to say "this is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog."
"Sic Semper Tyrannis" would have worked much better.
And why did he throw a "dog" in there at the end. Does he think that makes him cool? It doesn't. It's like when Josh used to see his freshman year roommate and say "what's up, dog?" because he thought that's how you are supposed to talk to black people. Totally not cool.
As usual, Bush had a good sense of humor about the whole thing laughing it off and seeming thankful that it wasn't Shaquille O'Neal throwing his shoes.

Oy Is This a Putz

The Mets performed an extreme makeover on their bullpen bringing in not one but two top-flight closers. And while the K-Rod signing was so obvious, there’s no way to criticize, the deal that brought JJ Putz has some potential downside.

First of all, the Mets gave up Joe Smith who was very effective against righties. I think Smith would be a great righty specialist in a good bullpen. His warts started to show when he had to face lefthanded hitters (.443 OBP vs. .281 against righties), and when he had to pitch too many days in a row.

The Mets also gave up Endy Chavez, their sole antidote to an increasingly, old, slow team that can’t run or play defense. But Endy’s biggest contributions were of the intangible variety, something the Mets were sorely lacking during the meltdowns the last two years.

They also depleted their already barren farm system. Mike Carp is projected to be an average at best major leaguer (and more suited to DH than first base) but he’s capable of providing at least the lift of youthfulness and energy that Nick Evans brought last year.

The Mets also gave up Maikel Cleto a pitcher who is still a few years away (he’s only 19) but has the best potential of the bunch.

I also wonder how Putz will accept his new role. He went from being a closer in Seattle (91 saves in the last 3 years) to having to accept a diminished 8th inning role. Hopefully, he’ll adapt and provide much-needed stability to the 8th inning, but his acquisition is not without risk.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Back in Business

I got a new job.
While I won't discuss any particulars here I'll say a few things about it.
I started Friday to train and jump in with both feet on Monday. It seems to be a lot more like what I want to do and with a smaller staff I will have more chances to do the things that will advance my career.
I'm still working overnights, only this job doesn't provide free parking so I'm taking the train in. Until I get comfortable I'll be getting in at 10:30 pm, so I have to leave home at 9:30. When I get more accustomed to it I can go in an hour later. And I will probably get home at around 10:30 am most days so it's a lot less time with Chase than I had before but it's good enough for now.
The position I'm filling is freelance so I am getting paid a day rate and not eligible for benefits. But once my benefits expire with my old job we'll switch to Mrs. Poop's, even though it's pretty expensive since she only works part time.
I also have 12 more weeks of severance coming to me from my former employer which is pretty sweet.
I was told by my new boss that if it works out with me and they like me there's a good chance the freelance position could become a permanent one. But likely that is going to be for a LOT less money than I was making.
But I'm willing to take the temporary pay cut for future glory.
I'm very happy with my new opportunity, with the chance to get back to work and with the passing of the storm cloud that was floating over my head for the past four weeks.
Thanks to all of you who helped make this possible and offered your assistance during this difficult time.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Weekly Picks

So the Jets fucked me again. For the second time this season I picked them on the road against a bad team and they lost outright. The Jets suck and I am never picking them again this season. But I also screwed up a couple other games and set myself back with zero points. I'll rebound.

denver +7 1/2 CAROLINA
The Panthers are getting a little overrated right now. They are always a disappointing team and even though Denver has no run defense I can see them keeping this game close.

CINCINNATI +7 washington
I never pick games involving the Redskins but their offense is so bad right now I just don't see them scoring enough points to cover.

cleveland +14 PHILADELPHIA
I'm very worried about a push here but I can definitely see the Browns putting at least a couple scores on the board here to keep this one close.

pittsburgh +1 1/2 BALTIMORE
I think the Steelers are the better team with the equal defense and better offense. But I am worried about the big mistake by Ben Roethlisberger. I will enjoy Polamalu and Reed in this one.

new york giants +3 DALLAS

Might as well make it five underdogs (correction: only 4 on the road) this week. There's no way the Giants lose this game this week. T.O. has already planted the seeds of discord this week. I expect Romo to work a little too hard to get him the ball which means a diminished focus on the running game and on other receivers, especially Jason Witten. I think the Giants are pissed off coming off last week's loss and though the result of this game doesn't really matter when determining home-field, they don't want to go into the Carolina game off 2 straight division losses.

Last Week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season: 36-34 (42 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (10-4)
Home Favorites: 0-2 (9-15)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-1)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (16-7)
Road Underdogs: 1-1 (8-10)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

I Hope Mike Vick Studies Asset Management in Prison

In case you were starting to feel badly for poor Michael Vick who is rotting in federal prison right now on dog-fighting charges, comes this incredible article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution which shows just how stupid and irresponsible Vick really is.
While none of what you are about to read is illegal it goes to show what kind of person Michael Vick is. Instead of trying to repay his debt and rebuild his life he spent his last few days of freedom on a spending spree of "if I can't have it nobody can" proportions.
The day he went to jail, Michael Vick bought a $99,000 Mercedes. On Nov. 19, 2007, Vick went to a car showroom in Hampton, Va. He picked out an andorite-gray 2008 Mercedes-Benz S550 sedan and, using his bank debit card, paid in full: $99,589.71.
Then he drove it to Richmond, surrendered to federal marshals and went to jail.
Altogether on Nov. 19, 2007, Vick spent $201,840.
He cashed four checks that totaled $24,900. He gave $28,000 to the mother of his oldest child. He paid a public relations firm $23,000 and gave a friend $16,000.
But that was just some of it, he spent $18.2 million from 2006 to 2008.
Vick is now seeking bankruptcy protection from his many creditors when he gets out of jail.
From Aug. 27, 2007, the day he pleaded guilty in a Richmond federal courthouse, until Nov. 19, the day he bought the new Mercedes before reporting to jail, Vick shelled out $3,627,291.
And now his creditors (including the Falcons who are seeking to recoup about $3.75 million of bonuses paid to Vick) are furious and accusing Vick of "sheltering assets" in his own decadent way.
In 2007, documents show, he used cashier’s checks to withdraw $908,500 from his bank accounts. During a two-year period, he wrote checks payable to “cash” totaling almost $1.1 million.
But Vick's spending was out of control long before he knew he was going to jail.
Not long after joining the Falcons, Vick bought his first house: a $918,000 mini-mansion behind the gates that guard the Sugarloaf Country Club in Duluth, Georgia. Two years later, in April 2005, he upgraded to a larger house in the same neighborhood, for almost $3.8 million. Among his improvements to that property: a movie screening room and a golf simulator.
But he had the money. In 2004, after two seasons with the Falcons, he signed a new contract that, with potential bonuses, could pay him $130 million by 2013. Endorsement deals — with Nike, AirTran Airways and others — added millions more. In 2006 and 2007 alone, Vick took in almost $22 million.
He bought four more houses, all in Virginia, and began building another.
He bought a condominium in Miami Beach.
He bought interests in two farms — one in Virginia, one in Rockdale County, east of Atlanta.
He bought six Paso Fino horses, worth about $450,000.
He bought two boats, one for $100,000, the other for $125,000.
He bought cars: a Bentley, two Land Rovers, Cadillacs, an Infiniti sport utility vehicle and an Infiniti sedan, two Ford pickup trucks, a Dodge, a Chevrolet, the $99,000 Mercedes.
And he bought as much as $450,000 in jewelry. The pieces included two Swiss watches, a bracelet, a pair of diamond stud earrings, and a charm inscribed, “World is mine.”
In 2006, he bought his sister, Christina, a GMC Yukon. The next year, he gave a Lincoln Navigator to Tameka Taylor, the mother of his first child. The mother of Vick’s other two children, Kijafa Frink, got a Land Rover; her mother, a Cadillac Escalade.
He paid Frink’s mortgage and gave her $1,000 a month for clothes, court records say, and $300 for “beauty-related expenses.” He supported Taylor and their son with $3,500 a month.
For his mother, Brenda Boddie, Vick covered a $4,700-a-month mortgage and $2,100 in payments for her two Cadillacs.
In all, routine monthly bills for the mothers of Vick’s children and for his own mother came to $31,293 — more than $375,000 a year.
To run his complicated financial life, Vick in 2005 created a management and marketing company, MV7 LLC. It provided income for at least two family members, according to public records: Vick’s mother, whose salary approached $100,000 a year, and his sister, who earned about $22,000. The firm even had a retirement fund.
He also set up several other businesses, all using his name or jersey number in their names.
Divine Seven operated a Payless Car Rental franchise at the Atlanta airport. Seven Charms Farm raised horses. Vicktory Corp. oversaw family investments. Siete (Spanish for “seven”) delivered a gift of $317,000 to his mother’s church a week before Vick pleaded guilty.
In 2006, Vick personally guaranteed a $2.1 million bank loan to Divine Seven in exchange for a 60 percent stake in the company. A little over a year later, the bank declared the loan in default. It obtained a civil judgment against Vick and is trying to collect through his bankruptcy case.
In 2007, Vick put up $200,000 for a 60 percent interest in Seven Charms Farm, a 5-acre spread near Conyers. In September of this year, Rockdale County sold the property at auction to satisfy an unpaid property tax bill. The buyer got the property for $40,000.
Vick’s philanthropic efforts didn’t fare especially well, either. In 2006, the Michael Vick Foundation provided 100 backpacks to poor children in Newport News and paid for an after-school program. But the foundation spent only 12 percent of its budget — $20,590 of $171,823 — on charitable programs, according to its 2006 federal tax return. The foundation paid its fund-raiser, Susan Bass Roberts, a former spokeswoman for Vick, $97,000, the tax return shows.
The foundation ceased operations in 2006.

However, when Vick was sentenced he began setting aside money for family members. He put $625,000 into two businesses that would make monthly payments to Frink, who then was pregnant with their second child. He also gave Frink $48,000 and an SUV to keep in Leavenworth, Kan., where he would serve his sentence.
During his last weeks of freedom, though, Vick also spent $85,000 on a fish pond and $48,257 for landscaping. He bought a $31,000 Ford pickup and a $33,100 Chevrolet.
In the weeks before he went to jail, he made 48 cash withdrawals for a total of $325,945.

The Mercedes now is in the hands of a group of creditors; they recently told a bankruptcy judge they have found a buyer willing to pay $65,000. A luxury-car broker is trying to sell the rest of Vick’s vehicles.
Under bankruptcy laws, Vick will be allowed to retain ownership of one house; he chose his mother’s home in Suffolk, Va. He also is keeping $136,500 of home furnishings, $5,000 of clothes and a retirement account with a balance of $96.63.
Vick’s other houses are on the market. The proceeds of any sales would go toward paying off the mortgages.
In addition to his other debts, Vick owes more than $1.2 million in back taxes, the Internal Revenue Service told his bankruptcy judge last month. That figure may increase, the IRS said in court papers; Vick has not yet filed his 2007 return.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Concierge Was Just Looking Out For His Own Safety and the Safety of Others

For several years, the Concierge has engaged in a subtle war with the man who held the aisle seat in the row in front of him at Shea Stadium.
Every Sunday the man would leave his tote bag adjacent to his seat, partially in the aisle.
As a form of silent protest the Concierge would step on his bag every time he descended the aisle.
While I thought the Conch was just being petty it is too bad he isn't an Ottawa Senators fan. If he were, this incident may have been avoided.

"A 21-year-old man was taken to hospital after he fell about 25 feet from the upper deck of Scotiabank Place during the second intermission of the Ottawa Senators’ victory over the Atlanta Thrashers on Wednesday night.

According to witnesses, the man sailed headfirst past and over a few stunned onlookers in the rows ahead of his seat before tumbling over the low railing at the bottom of the third level and falling onto a row of seats in the level below.

Senators president and CEO Roy Mlakar said the man was carrying two beers when he stumbled over a purse.

“He was not inebriated,” said Mlakar, who confirmed that the man had been treated on the scene for lacerations and that he was taken to a hospital as a precautionary measure.

“He seems fine, he’s totally cognizant. He recognizes that there’s nothing serious.”

He added that two other people the man landed on in the section below also were treated at the scene, and that a third person, a 33-year-old woman, sustained a non-critical neck injury and also was taken to a hospital for precautionary reasons.

Mlakar said it was the first such accident in the 13-year-old arena’s history."

How Could They Not Have Shown This?

Last night I watched UFC's Fight for the Troops ("they fight for us, now we fight for them") and I enjoyed a pretty good night of action. But then I saw that this happened on one of the fights on the undercard (those not shown on TV) and I'm shocked that they didn't fit this into the telecast.

Here's Corey Hill vs. Dale Hartt

"Stop the fight! Stop the fight!" Joe Rogan is so awesome.

Ridiculous! And I thought the guy who chose "snap" in a snap or tap situation got a bad injury, but that was nothing compared to this.

Corey Hill suffers a broken leg during a UFC fight

By the way, I started watching the show a little late and to catch up I scanned through all of the stories about the troops who got injured in Iraq and are now suffering traumatic brain injury. Is that wrong?

If This Were TON's Blog

If this were TON's blog, the title of the post about the hilarious "Jizz in My Pants" video would have been "JT Has the Same Effect on Me."
I watched the video several times and didn't notice that Gay-T was the convenience store janitor, until TON pointed it out.

Justin Timberlake played the janitor in the Jizz in My Pants video

Million Dollar Interception

I've recently been dabbling in an game called streak for the cash. The premise, you pick a side in some pre-selected propositions (not just winners and losers) and the first one to put together a streak of 25 wins a million dollars.
Two players had 24-game streaks snapped before BigSam1122 won his 24th. BigSam sat on a potential million dollars for a week before selecting the Pittsburgh Steelers to beat the Dallas Cowboys straight up for a million bucks.
Can you imagine how BigSam (now revealed as Samuel Louis-Charles) must have been shitting his pants when the Steelers went down 13-3. And imagine his celebration when Tony Romo threw that horrible interception that won him a million bucks. He said he screamed like a girl.
He was in Bristol to collect his check and talk to Mike and Mike about it.

I don't know about you, but if I were in this situation I would have put about $100,000 or as much as I could scrounge up on the Cowboys in this one. Seems like the perfect chance to hedge your bets.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Meadow Has the Same Effect on Me

Jamie-Lynn Sigler stars in a Saturday Night Live Digital Short.

"Jizz in My Pants!" Hilarious. By the way, the other hot chick was Molly Sims.

Story Suggested by TON

Why Nails Didn't Go To Work Today

Nails has been well known to use some unusual excuses for not going to work. There was the time he called in "crazy" when he thought he hallucinated people knocking on his door several times throughout the night (it was actually a neighborhood-wide search for a missing girl). One time he called in "madness" to watch the NCAA tournament with me.
Today, he called in "gay."
A gay couple from Hollywood organized "A Day Without a Gay." The protest asked people to call in "gay" from work in support of gay marriage.
Nails was happy to do his part and spent the day staring at the Visanthe Shiancoe post. Look at the comments section.

The Dangers of Locker Room Cameras

The locker room is last bastion of privacy for professional athletes. Women, children and television cameras that enter the locker room do so at their own risk. Which is why FOX cameras were caught in an uncomfortable situation. The situation being -- they showed Visanthe Shiancoe's cock. The cameras were capturing a speech from owner Zygi Wilf, while a naked Shiancoe stood behind him.

Why don't networks ever broadcast the postgame speeches from the cheerleaders' locker room?

And if you absolutely have the see the NSFW picture of Visanthe Shiancoe's penis, enjoy yourself. And no, I won't list the names of everyone who clicks on the link in a future post.

Story suggested by SCZA in an e-mail entitled "I jerked off 3 times to this"

And Mets Fans Finally Have Something to Cheer About

The Mets addressed their biggest weakness by signing closer Francisco Rodriguez aka K-Rod for 3 years and 37 million dollars.
It's a great move, but a pretty obvious one. With the Mets bullpen in complete shambles (even with a healthy Billy Wagner), they needed a closer desperately now that Wagner will likely miss the entire year.
The Mets filled their biggest need, with the best available option and did so relatively cheaply. For instance, three years ago the Mets spent $6 million more (albeit for one more year) on Billy Wagner. So they gave an extra year to a closer who was 8 years older then than K-Rod is now. Obviously the market for top closers isn't as big as K-Rod thought.
But there are some worries that come along with this signing.
While his stats are incredible, some of his underlying numbers are cause for concern.
His hits are on the rise, while his strikeouts are falling. He also blew 7 saves last year, which means he failed about 10% of the time.
Will Mets fans tolerate that rate?
Some are also concerned about his durability because his velocity was down last year and he is getting older (he'll be 27 on Opening Day) leading to worries he could be exiting an early prime.
Also he has never been a 2-inning pitcher and likely won't be with the Mets.
Despite those worries this was a great move for the Mets, a crucial first step toward building a team that won't implode (from the bullpen out) next September.

K-Rod's postgame celebrations will be welcomed by Mets fans

Song of the Week

"Obstacle 1" - Interpol
My favorite song from Guitar Hero: World Tour. The song supposedly describes a man reflecting on a recent break-up.
"Her stories are boring and stuff."

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The NFL is Poop - Week 14

You Wanna Crown Em, Then Crown Their Ass
A funny thing happened on the way to a second straight Super Bowl. The Giants played like crap against the Eagles (zero points generated by their offense in the first 58 minutes) and now they will have to fight the Panthers for home field advantage in the playoffs. If the Panthers win this week (at home against Denver) or the Giants lose (in Dallas), when the two teams meet in Week 16 (a game that was flexed by NBC to the Sunday night slot) it will be for that number one seed in the NFC.

And Meanwhile Across Town
The New York Jets went from Subway Super Bowl talk to possibly missing the playoffs. How does a team beat the Patriots and Titans then lose to the Broncos and 49ers? And Brett Favre wasn't even really to blame in this one. Sure he threw an interception but a bigger culprit was the defense which got pushed around by the 49ers and allowed them to hold the ball for nearly 40 minutes. Third downs were also key (as indicated by time of possession). San Francisco converted on 8 of 16 while the Jets were only 1 of 10 on third down. The Jets play Buffalo and Seattle but their fate could still be decided in Week 17 against the Dolphins.

A Team That Will Go Down in Infamy
The Detroit Lions may have let their last best chance for a victory slip through their fingers. With games remaining against the Colts, Saints and Packers, beating the Vikings seemed to be their shot to avoid the first 0-16 season in NFL history. Note: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers went winless, but during a 14-game schedule. The Lions had a 13-10 lead entering the 4th quarter and the normally inept Tarvaris Jackson was in at QB for the Vikings. But Jackson led the Vikings on two scoring drives and the Vikings won 20-16, sinking the Lions even deeper.

Game of the Week
Pittsburgh Steelers 20 Dallas Cowboys 13

A gutty win for the Steelers but a game the Cowboys never should have lost. Dallas did just about everything wrong yet they were still winning 13-3 with 9 minutes left in the game. To that point they had overcome 2 interceptions, a fumble and 2 short failed attempts on fourth down. But it was Romo's last interception that stuck the dagger in their hearts. After the Steelers first touchdown of the game with 2 minutes to go, the Cowboys took over at their own 15 yard line on their second play, a miscommunication between Tony Romo and Jason Witten led to an interception returned for a touchdown by Deshea Townsend. Just another on the growing list of heartbreaking losses for the Cowboys in the Tony Romo era.

Game of Next Week
Pittsburgh Steelers are Baltimore Ravens

There's going to be some hitting in this one. Two great defensive teams will be on display meaning it could be the offenses that decide this one. Ben Roethlisberger seems to have a clear advantage over Joe Flacco but I could see Big Ben making a key mistake and getting picked by Ed Reed. Plus this one is in Baltimore. A lot is at stake here. The winner could very well earn the second seed and a bye in the AFC playoffs. While the loser would be the 5th seed even though it could quite possibly have a better record than the division winners from the West and the East.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
They are absolutely horrible right now. They can't do a thing on offense. They have now scored 53 points in the their last 5 games, combined. I know they've played some good defenses (Pittsburgh, Giants, Baltimore) but this is ridiculous. Jason Campbell went to an MVP candidate to a question mark for the future. I know the offense line hasn't been protecting him (and now Samuels is out for the season) but Zorn's playcalling has become so vanilla he's putting the team in difficult 2nd and long situations too often.
Oh, and Shaun Suisham has to be cut.

Cheerleader of the Week
Lisa of the Carolina TopCats

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Tennessee Titans 20 New York Giants 14

The Giants loss was disheartening but probably just a blip on their radar screen. If they don't play well against the Cowboys and Panthers, it could reveal a serious problem, namely missing Plaxico Burress a little more than expected. The power conference for years has been the AFC. When Tom Brady went down it seemed like the NFC was taking over. But right now Tennesse, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and Baltimore are all on fire while the NFC doesn't seem so strong anymore.