Saturday, January 05, 2008

Weekly Picks

It's real simple this week, I blew it last week so I'm out of money position for the time in 10 weeks. I have zero chance at first, almost zero at second and very unlikely third. But if I can be near perfect in the playoffs I can cash. A lot of the games this week are tough to call.

SEATTLE -3 1/2 washington
I never pick the Redskins.

PITTSBURGH +1 1/2 jacksonville
Tons of reasons to love Jacksonville here. They already beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh, Willie Parker is hurt, Garrard is mistake-free, their defense is better. But there are a couple of reasons to go against that conventional wisdom. If you are going to lose anyone on your team running back is usually the easiest to replace and I think Davenport can approximate Parker's production. First time starting quarterbacks in the playoffs have a terrible record, so even though Garrard has been great, and won't be counted on to win this one, that worries me a little. But most important, it seems too obvious to pick Jacksonville here.

new york giants +3 TAMPA BAY
This game is going to be a referendum on late season strategies. Staying sharp vs. staying healthy. While I think the Bucs approach is better over many trials I'm still picking against them because as I frequently say, the most important factor in winning games is talent. And the Giants have more of it. The Bucs are like a lion in the jungle, they couldn't outrun all the gazelles, but they outran the slowest ones often enough to survive. Which means they beat bad teams and lost to good ones. Also, I think Eli Manning might finally break through. Remember he's been to the playoffs every season he was the full-time starter. Given enough tries, everyone breaks through, even Mannings.

SAN DIEGO -8 1/2 tennessee
The Chargers have burned me so many times but I'm not sure enough about the other two games (I wouldn't make Seattle my best bet) to pick them. So I'm hoping they get their act together and blow out a vastly inferior and injured team. Also, every weekend usually has one blowout.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Playoff Predictions

Here's how I see the NFL playoffs playing out (I'll provide my full against the spread picks for this week's games later today):

Wild Card Round:
Seattle Seahawks over Washington Redskins
Pittsburgh Steelers over Jacksonville Jaguars
New York Giants over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
San Diego Chargers over Tennessee Titans

Divisional Round:
San Diego Chargers over Indianapolis Colts
New England Patriots over Pittsburgh Steelers
Dallas Cowboys over New York Giants
Green Bay Packers over Seattle Seahawks

Confernence Championships:
New England Patriots over San Diego Chargers
Green Bay Packers over Dallas Cowboys

Super Bowl:
New England Patriots over Green Bay Packers

Post your picks in the comments section and I'll review after the Super Bowl.

Get The Stretcher

Those famous words were uttered when The Concierge tumbled down a hill at Van Cortlandt Park and again tonight at the home of Britney Spears.
Apparently Spears refused to give her kids back to Kevin Federline who has custody of them because she kept violating court orders.
6 police cars and 2 ambulances came to her house and eventually Britney was wheeled out on a stretcher.
She has completely lost it and should lose full custody of her kids.
She should also be sent to live in my home for washed up celebrities with Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson, all of whom are completely crazy and unfit to live in civilized society.
I don't do too much celebrity gossip, because so many other sites do it much better, so I won't even bother trying to update this story, but I felt I had to say something.

Britney Spears on a stretcher - I told you that bitch crazy

What's In a Name?

Not a jew! Neither Brandon Jacobs nor Ian Gold is Jewish, but which of those NFL players has the more deceptively Jewish name?

The Best Advice I Ever Got

"Look It Up" - my parents

That's what they told me every time I asked them what a word meant or how to spell it. I now realize that they did this because I was asking them questions they didn't know the answers to, but their guidance toward the dictionary was the first building block in my path towards superior intelligence.
It's no secret that I think I'm smarter than everyone but most of you don't realize that being this smart takes a lot of hard work.
While most of you might see a unique word in a newspaper article and try to figure it out in context or just skip it, I take the time to look it up and find out what it means, then use it in a sentence so it becomes my own.
My vocabulary idol, Walt "Clyde" Frazier does this too, which he says often leads to his somewhat unconvential, though always technically correct, uses of a word.
Clyde once called Marcus Camby a "ubiquitous kleptomaniac." One day I aspire to achieve that level of greatness.
In "The Program," Darnell (Omar) gets Halle Berry to go out with him by saying "I no longer wish to be cast in a pejorative light so I've dedicated myself to achieving on a level more commensurate with my abilities."
Now that we are in the age of the internet, with all the world's knowledge at my fingertips, I'm constantly looking stuff up, and becoming even smarter than I already am.
And if that's a scary thought, blame my parents, they started it.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Coffee Bukkake

A Japanese man has been arrested over a string of drive-by coffee-spitting attacks targeting young girls wearing school uniforms.
The 26-year-old man has been dubbed "coffee bukkake man" in Japanese media reports.
The man was sitting in his car with his window down and coffee in his mouth when a 16-year-old girl rode her bike past at low speed, he took aim and sprayed the coffee in her face.
The word "bukkake" is associated with an extreme type of pornography in western countries, but literally means "to splash" in Japanese

This is an artist's rendering of the coffee bukkake because our censors would not allow us to show a real bukkake picture, coffee or otherwise

The Most Incredible Poker Hand I've Ever Seen

With the amount of poker that's played, especially on TV, hands like this are statistical locks to happen eventually, but it's still amazing to see.
This one comes from the European Open III.

Brotherly Love

Now that we're all married and have kids, my brother and sister and our spouses decided we would no longer exchange gifts for birthdays or Hanukah, only the kids would get presents.
But due to my constant raving about "How I Met Your Mother," Master Bates decided to break this rule and he bought me the first two seasons of HIMYM on DVD.
This should help me get through however long it is until the writers go back to work and we get some new episodes.
This also comes at a time when two Poopheads, SCZA and Jems, stopped fighting it and finally gave into the temptation to catch up on all the episodes so far, 55 I think.
I would get frequent texts from SCZA about episodes I hadn't seen in two years. My recall of them surprised even me.
Mary the Paralegal was of course a highlight, I can't wait to rewatch them all.
Thanks Master.

Future Employees of Hooters in Carousel Mall

A student at Cicero-North Syracuse High School named Michael Wixson was arrested in early December and charged with distributing nude pictures of female students.
About 12 girls, age 11 to 14 (at the time the pictures were taken, they are older now), took naked cell phone pictures of themselves and sent the pictures to their boyfriends.
The boyfriends somehow banded together and put the pictures on a disc, which they were selling around school.
That's where Wixson comes in. It's not clear if the pictures were sent to him, or if he bought the disc from some other kids, but Wixson is the one who created a website called “Girls Gone Wild at C-NS,” which has been taken down.


Texas A&M fan picks himself a winner during the Alamo Bowl.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Slutty Sideline Reporters

Fox Sports West Reporter Christine Nubla defines Freudian slip:

Now I've seen some cock-hungry whores in my time but nothing like this. Rebecca Haarlow who does sideline reporting for the Portland Trail Blazers, looks positively wet for these interviews. Look at the smile she gives when she's talking to LaMarcus Aldridge. I honestly believe she is stroking his cock the whole time. And what kind of reporter keeps her hair in a ponytail? Only one who doesn't want to get jizz in her hair.

And of course we have to give glory to Jane Skinner and Sheppard Smith, the man who started it all.

A Giant Step

Former New York Giant lineman George Martin is walking coast-to-coast, from the George Washington Bridge to the Golden Gate Bridge, to try to raise $10 million for 9/11 first responders to help them with medical bills.
Martin has already raised $1.6 million and has pledges to match the amount raised in medical services.
Martin went home for the holidays but will resume his travels on January 2nd in Arkansas.

Song of the Week

"Nu Nu" - Lidell Townsell
A cool, catchy song that really sticks in your head when you hear it.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

The NFL is Poop - Week 17

One For the Ages
No matter what happens from this point the 2007 New England Patriots put together an amazing season. I know they have had 3 games decided by a field goal and they haven't had a decisive blowout since midseason, but 16-0 is 16-0. Maybe they are vulnerable and maybe they will lose, but history will always remember a 16-0 season, and so will I.

The final game was a fitting capper to their season. The Giants played them tough and had them on the ropes but as always the Patriots made the plays. The key play of course was Randy Moss streaking down the sideline for a touchdown, one play after he dropped a pass that would have been a long gainer and could have been a touchdown, although I say Brady underthrew that one. That play showed that Belichick has guts, and when he allows his players to make plays, they will.

Randy Moss totally redeemed himself

And Then There's the Dolphins
For every yin there must be a yang and the exact opposite of the 2007 Patriots would be the 2007 Dolphins. One field goal away from potentially going winless. They were god awful this year and even worse for them, I'm not sure there is much hope for the future.
Looking at some other 1-15 teams:
2001 Carolina Panthers - 2 years later they made the Super Bowl
2000 San Diego Chargers - Got the #1 pick and traded it for LaDanian Tomlinson and Drew Brees. The Falcons took Michael Vick with the pick they acquired.
1989 Dallas Cowboys - Had Troy Aikman. Won 3 Super Bowls in the next 6 years.
1990 New England Patriots - 17 years later they went 16-0.
1991 Indianapolis Colts - Broke in a young QB named Peyton Manning.
1996 New York Jets - Went to the AFC title game 2 years later with Coach Bill Parcells.

Unlike many of those teams the Dolphins don't have any young franchise player to build around and there won't be one available in the draft this year. But they do have Bill Parcells.

After All They Are the Arizona Cardinals
8-8 is not bad for the Cardinals.

You Are Ridiculous
We really are witnessing something special with Devin Hester. Hester handled the ball 105 times this year (43 kick returns, 42 punt returns, 20 catches) and scored 8 touchdowns (4 kick returns, 2 punt returns, 2 catches). Even when they try to kick away from him they can't and Hester scores. Next year I expect more teams to kick away from him and the Bears will find more ways to get him involved on offense.

The Windy City Flyer

The Future For Donovan
I think Donovan McNabb could really use a change of scenery. Eagles fans hate him and I just don't think things will work out for him there. He isn't as great as he used to be before all the injuries, but he still has something left. The Bears and Vikings are both very intriguing options for him and I hope he gets to go to one of those teams and give his career one last shot.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
I continue to love the way Todd Collins is playing and I am going to stop being apologetic about it. The guy has played unbelievably. I know you can't put too much stock in a game against a Dallas team that wasn't trying, but Todd Collins pretty much made every play. The defense swarmed and refused to allow the Cowboys any running yards. I am so excited for the playoffs now because I can't wait to see if Collins can keep it up.

Clinton Portis has also emerged as Todd Collins has played. The improved passing game seems to have opened things up for Portis a little bit. And he continues to honor his friend Sean Taylor.

Coach Gibbs pointed out that the Redskins won by 21 points (Taylor's uniform number) and says the number was significant because the team continues to play with inspiration from Taylor's memory.

Cheerleader of the Week
Lilly from the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders
The Dolphins have a great cheerleader site with a lot of pictures of the girls, they don't bother with bios, it's their boobs we want to see.
But all the pictures are slideshows so I can't save them. You need to go to Lilly's page and look at her photo galleries.
By the way, Lilly is only 19.

Miami Dolphins Cheerleader Lilly

Game of Next Week
Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers
A few weeks ago the Jags went into Pittsburgh and pounded the Steelers, but only won by 7 points. Now popular opinion seems to be saying that the Jags will go to Heinz Field and do it again. The Jags are supposedly built for the playoffs, and the Steelers are without Willie Parker.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England Patriots 38 Green Bay Packers 34
The Cowboys look very weak to me lately, I think their offense might have serious problems. And the Patriots are no longer dominating, but I am confident that they will do whatever they need to do to win.

What's in a Name?

Which Florida State receiver has a worse name, De'Cody Fagg or Craphonso Thorpe?

With Fagg, the trash talk must be constant ("you suck, Fagg," "stop crying, Fagg" or "get up, Fagg") but with Crap (I think he actually goes by Cro), you have to live with the realization that your parents chose that name just for you.

Breast Implant Indicator

A sagging economy could lead to sagging boobies.
At a meeting of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, one of the hot topics was how would the mortgage credit crisis, and the resulting economic slowdown hurt spending on cosmetic surgery.
Last year, Americans spent an estimated $11.4 billion on plastic surgeon fees and probably close to $4 billion more when facility fees and anesthesia are included.
Breast jobs and tummy tucks aren't covered by insurance, so patients need a chunk of cash -- or a healthy credit line.
Some surgeons say business didn't pick up this fall as much as usual. Others say they have been busy but have lighter bookings for next year. Patients typically go under the knife in January and February to allow time to recuperate before bathing-suit weather arrives.
Breast-implant maker Mentor says the surgeons who are its customers have noticed a drop in patient interest.

New Monitor

I got a brand new monitor and computer at work recently.
I was very pleased that all my decorations were replaced on the new monitor.
There was my receipt taped to the left side of my monitor.
3 bottles of Diet Coke (plus bottle deposit), one roll of Mentos and one adult poncho, $12.15 for my famous Diet Coke and Mentos demonstration.
My newspaper headline from the Wall Street Journal "Cleaning Up Diesel's Image" was affixed to the top of the new monitor.
My name plate (actually a piece of paper) with my porn name, Prudence Lewiston (first pet, street I grew up on) was back on top of the monitor.
And in front of the monitor on the computer were my bobblehead of Diesel and my 2 polaroids of him.

Nice Shorts

Celebrating the 1980s, the Lakers wore 80s style shorts for their game against the Celtics on Sunday.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Thank You

2007 was a great year for the Poop.
This blog got a lot of traffic and a lot of attention, and it drew in some new Poopheads.
As cool as it is to have the occassional 1,000 hit day when a story I write gets linked somewhere, what really matters to me is the group of 15 - 20 loyal Poopheads who read and enjoy what I write.
Although, the Poop can be a pain in my ass and a burden sometimes, I really enjoy doing it.
As you all know, I have a lot to say and this forum is a great way for me to say it.
I enjoy reading stories and sharing them with you, I enjoy reading your feedback, and I enjoy bringing glory to the word Poop.
I hope 2008 will be another great year for the Poop and all the Poopheads.

It Was a Very Good Year

In 2007...

The Mets collapse down the stretch, the biggest collapse in baseball history, and miss the playoffs.

The Knicks become a laughingstock, lose a sexual harrassment suit and refuse to fire the man responsible.

Syracuse misses the tournament in basketball and goes 2-10 in football.

Michael Vick kills dogs.

Steroids ruin 15 - 20 years of baseball.

And yet it was a great year because of the birth of my son. I guess having a child puts those things in perspective. Compared to how much I love Chase none of those other things really matters all that much.

2007 Poop Person of the Year

After carefully reviewing all the nominees, the selection committee decided that the recipient of the Poop Person Of The Year Award, for outstanding contributions to the Poop is....

Chase Brennan

No other newsmaker has produced as much great material for The Poop as this 16 pound bundle of joy.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Weekly Picks

Another bad week and I am sinking like a stone. I can't afford anymore bad weeks so I offer you these picks. And one guarantee: one team that needs to win to make the playoffs will lose.

new england -14 NEW YORK GIANTS
The Patriots are incredibly motivated and the Giants are not.

cleveland -10 SAN FRANCISCO
If the 49res were good enough to win three games in a row they wouldn't have been so bad all season. The Browns need this game and I think they can generate enough offense to cover this spread.

dallas +9 WASHINGTON
This is the first time I can remember getting the chance to pick the Redskins with such a big spread. If the Redskins win by 9 or more I will be ecstatic and this loss won't mean anything to me. And if they lose, this won't be insurance because I'll still be furious but at least I'll get the point. Best case is that I could get the double whammy and the Redskins would win by 1 through 8 points.

new orleans -2 1/2 CHICAGO
The Saints should be able to put some points on the board against a Bears defense that hasn't played that great this season. I just can't see the Saints folding their tents since they play before the Redskins and Vikings do.

minnesota -3 DENVER
I think the Vikings can run on Denver and with their big guys they should be able to stop the Broncos running game. Jackson has had 2 horrible games in a row and I think he'll play better this week and I think the Vikings will take the ball out of his hands a little bit this week and pound with Peterson and Taylor against a team that looked like they gave up last week against the Chargers.

Last Week: 2-3 (3 points)
Season so far: 43-37 (45 points - T-7th, 9 points out of 1st)
Best bet: 1-0 (9-7)
Home favorites: 1-1 (18-10)
Home underdogs: 0-0 (3-1)
Road favorites: 1-2 (18-17)
Road underdogs: 0-0 (4-8)
Pick em: 0-0 (0-1)