Friday, June 08, 2007

Back to the Hoosegow

A tearful Paris Hilton was dragged from the courtroom and taken back to jail after the judge who sentenced her didn't but the Sheriff's Department excused that she was "reassigned" to house arrest because of "medical reasons." I'm not sure who's dick she sucked, or how much she paid to get out, but the judge says he is the one who decides the sentences. I don't feel bad for Paris, she probably needs to learn this lesson but at this point I think she is getting treated too harshly, and that people are trying to make a name for themselves in this case. According to most sources people with her same offense seldom serve any jail time at all. She'll be headed back to prison to finish her sentence, I think she's still going to do only the 23 days the judge reduced her too. But apparently in prison she had been crying all the time, was in severe depression and was released due to mental health reasons after two extensive visits with a psychologist. I hope she can toughen up and serve her time with dignity and grace like Martha Stewart.

Does This American Idol Look Fat?

Jordin Sparks is a tall girl, she's big but her father is a large man, a professional athlete. It's in her genes. I wouldn't describe her as fat. But MeMe Roth would. She runs National Action Against Obesity and this is what she says about Jordin:

"When I look at Jordin I see diabetes, I see heart disease, I see high cholesterol. That's what's so sad about this - she is not the vision of health - she is the vision of unhealth. Her extra weight is a reflection of today's society and a culture where many of our children have compromised health due to unhealthful food choices and inactivity. We have to stop with the 'baby fat,' 'curvy,' 'goddess' euphemisms and own this child’s health crisis."

She says Jordin is not a good role model for kids.

By the way, Roth is 5'6" and 120 lbs.

Roth says Jordin's fans have been making death threats against her.

Baby LeBron

LeBron James is thrilled about the upcoming birth of his second son with girlfriend Savannah Brinson, who had the couple's first child, LeBron James Jr., in 2004.

Brinson is due to deliver on June 17, when Game 5 is scheduled in Cleveland. But LeBron doesn't expect the kid to hold out that long. But if she goes into labor while he's in San Antonio, (through Sunday) LeBron says he can't leave his team during the Finals.

"My family understands what's going on," he said. "We've sat down and talked and we know how important this is for me and how important I am to my teammates. Savannah knows that and she knows if there's an opportunity I can be there, I will. And if not, I'm going to support my teammates. She understands."

Lebron and Lebron Jr, last year
LeBron and his baby mama
LeBron and his babymama again

Baseball is Poop

We are roughly a third of the way (some teams have played 60 games) through the baseball season and I thought it might be cool to check out which players are having remarkable seasons that you may not have heard about. For the sake of this post I'm eliminating all statistics achieved before 1900, and discounting those before 1950 which is actually an arbitrary date, the modern era of baseball really began with Babe Ruth and the offensive explosion of the 1930s, but humor me.

Curtis Granderson

Granderson already has 12 triples, amazingly he'd have to pick up his pace to break Chief Wilson's mark of 36 set in 1912. He'd need 15 more to finish second. But if he gets to 22, which seems reasonable at this point, he'd have the highest mark in almost 60 years. Willie Wilson and Lance Johnson had 21, Johnson did it in 1996 for the Mets.

Magglio Ordonez

Ordonez is having probably the best statistical season of anyone so far, with the possible exception of A-Rod (Mags has a higher OPS). He also has 29 doubles, which puts him on pace to hit 80, he's averaging about 1 double in every two games so far. The record is 67 set by Earl Webb in 1931. I've been following this record for years and every season someone gets real hot early then goes through a stretch of a month or so with no doubles. Several recent players have made a run including Carlos Delgado (57 in 2000) and Todd Helton, the post-war leader with 59, also in 2000. I predict 51 for Magglio.

Alex Rodriguez

With 22 home runs in 59 games (and three of those are game winners, so lay off Yankees fans), A-Rod is on pace to tie the record for most home runs by a non-steroid user.

Prince Fielder
The pudgy son of Cecil has 21 homers, giving him a real shot to pass his father's Fielder family record of 51.

It's a lot harder to approach some of pitching's all-time records but there are some great performance so far this year.

Dynamics Duos
10 of the top 14 pitchers in ERA are on the same team making up 5 strong duos.

Dan Haren and Chad Gaudin - Oakland: 12-3, 2.01 ERA
Jake Peavy and Chris Young - San Diego: 13-4, 2.07 ERA
John Lackey and Kelvim Escobar - Los Angeles: 16-7, 2.67 ERA
John Maine and Oliver Perez - New York: 12-7, 2.79 ERA
Jason Marquis and Rich Hill - Chicago: 10-6, 2.78 ERA

But my favorite duo going right now is Cleveland's combination of CC Sabathia and Fausto Carmona.
They are a combined 16-2, with a 3.27 ERA. Fausto and CC!


Still Undfeated
Three pitchers remain undefeated, Josh Beckett is 8-0, Jeremy Bonderman is 5-0 and James Shields of the Devil Rays is also 5-0. Amazing about Shields, he started off with three bad starts, and since then he has a 2.42 ERA. He could have even more wins but he was no decisioned in three tough games (8 innings, 2 hits, 2 runs and 12 Ks plus no runs and 3 hits in 9 innings, and also 1 run in 7 innings). But in fairness a more accurate record for him would be 8-2 as he got no decisions in a couple of his bad starts also. Shields also has the second lowest WHIP in the majors, after Haren.

James Shields, the best pitcher you never heard of unless you play fantasy baseball and Greco is trying to trade him to you for Pooh-Holes

The Closer
If Francisco Cordero can keep this up (nearly impossible) he'll have the best season any closer has ever had. He has 22 saves and a 0.36 ERA, one run in 24 innings.

Don't Bet on My Meadow at the Bing Idea

From Washington Post:

Online gambling sites and are taking bets on whether the head of HBO's New Jersey crime family makes it out alive from Sunday night's series finale. So far, the smart money is on Tony living.

The gambling sites are also taking action on the fates of the drama's other characters: Silvio Dante (in a coma), Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri (fuhgeddaboudit!) and rival Mafia boss Phil Leotardo ( so has it coming). Bodog's lines changed throughout yesterday, moving strongly toward the scenario that Tony survives, as more bets were placed and the odds moved in his favor.

Note: the Bodog odds seem to be taken down and the Betus ones are hard to find and can't be link. Tony is -300 to surive and +200 to die. Phil Leotardo is +175 to survive and -250 to die.

Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minillo Play With Knives

evidently they didn't heed the advice of the great sage Ozzy Osbourne when he said - Don't fuck with knives manshe needs to ash that cigarette
she's gonna cut her fuckin nipple off
from this point on lohan spoke with a lisp

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Paris Comes Home

Paris Hilton has been released from prison after serving only 3 days of her 23 day (shortened from 45) sentence.
She'll be under house arrest for the next 40 days.
She's been fitted with an ankle bracelet.
Sheriff's Department spokesman says Paris had a medical condition which could not be disclosed to protect her right to privacy.

11 Years Ago

11 years ago, a group of high school seniors planned a houseparty to celebrate their impending graduation.

Who showed up at this party:
A green haired freak
All of Wagner High School (seemingly)
The cops

The party that has been known since then as DaminoFest is still remembered fondly by those who were there.

Am I Stronger Than Kevin Durant?

Back when I was at the height of my powers, probably before we got Diesel, I dove into working out and actually became pretty strong. I never did the bench press but I'm pretty sure I could have done one rep at 185 pounds.
Which is more than I can say for Kevin Durant. He reportedly couldn't even do one rep at 185, despite being 6-10 and 190 lbs. 190? That's way too skinny which is why the report is probably true.
Now I agree that bench press is not essential to playing basketball, and his long arms make it difficult, but the bench press is a good indicator of overall strength, which means Durant will probably get pushed around in the NBA if he doesn't bulk up. Even the 6-6 small forwards are 220.

Too skinny, that rap has dogged me for years

Italian Therpists Are Doubly Pissed

Therapist fans of Sopranos are angry that Dr. Kupfenberg revealed that Dr. Melfi was treating Tony Soprano.

What a major breach of ettiquette. Real therapists would never do that.

Read the Recap

Mets fans, I've been very disappointed with the readership numbers at the Happy Recap. I've even considered shuttering the site. But I've figured out the problem. The team was too good. There is nothing to complain about. Until now.

Last night's game was a disaster, but there are many things to discuss. Did Delgado run hard enough down the line? Should Willie have let Heilman face Rollins? Should Endy have squeezed instead of hurting himself? What about the contact play?

Plus I give my view of how the next month will go with the combined difficulties of injuries and a tough schedule.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Song of The Week

"Worst Comes To Worst" - Dilated Peoples

"Growing Pains" - Ludacris

"Put That Woman First" - Jaheim

Why are we doing a 3-way tie this week? Listen to the songs and you'll figure it out. Probably only two Poopheads (Billy & TON) will enjoy this SOTW, but oh well.

Addendum, the beat of the song is sampled from "I Forgot To Be Your Lover" by William Bell.

Words You Should Know

Houghton-Mifflin unveiled a list of words everybody should know, basically if you know these words and can use them correctly you are pretty damn smart.

I must admit there were about 10 that I didn't really know. But there were another 20 or so that I use very frequently:

chicanery - best when used in conjunction with tomfoolery, hijinks and antics
churlish - I get truculent when people call me churlish
circumlocution - talking in circles
deleterious - Not knowing these words has a deleterious effect on your intelligence
facetious - I'm often being facetious
feckless - I can't effectively explain this one
gauche - This word is not great for people
hypotenuse - important when discussing the Pythagorean Theorem
incognito - my preferred mode
incontrovertible - everything I say
lugubrious - You want to impress me? Spell lugubrious
nihilism - I don't believe in this word
paradigm - I love to change the para dig em
photosynthesis - chlorophyll, more like bore-ophyll
supercilious - I like being super silly without us
vacuous - all the hot chicks you read about on this blog

Dump the Bitch

Larry David is free from his overbearing shrew of a wife, Laurie and her annoying stuck up sidekick Sheryl Crow. Larry could do much better.

I think the conversation went like this:
Laurie: "We need to talk."
Larry: "That's it? We're getting a divorce?"

he's much more handsome than she is pretty

Possible Sopranos Endings

Tony gets killed and AJ rises up and takes out Phil Leotardo. The show ends with a flash forward 20 - 30 years with AJ running the family.

Pauli gets scared that he is next on Phil's list and gives up Tony's location. This works because he wasn't one of the guys named by Phil to be killed, he's an old school guy like Phil and he mentioned something about surviving a similar war in the 70s.

Eric Mangini whacks Tony and buries him under the Meadowlands.

Meadow becomes a dancer at the Bing, Tony has a panic attack, falls off his stool and dies, ruining my erection.

A war breaks out taking down many more members of both families, but Tony gets Phil first and the show ends with him, Carm, Meadow and AJ. This is the one I've been predicting for weeks.

Tony gets killed by a shadowy figure...but we never find out who.

Agent Harris finally makes a case against him and Tony goes to prison.

High Praise

Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel on his second baseman Chase Utley who single handedly beat the Mets:

"He is something really special. He's what I call a player. I used to say Kirby Puckett was my favorite player. I love Kirby Puckett, but Chase is getting there."

R.I.P. Puck.

We'll see you tomorrow night

They don't look alike

Akon is a Dick

Remember when Akon humped a 14 year old girl on stage and then blamed the club for letting her in? That move cost him and Gwen Stefani the big bucks of Verizon which dropped sponsorship of their tour.
Well, the tour started and Akon got himself in trouble again. After a kid threw a water bottle at him, Akon had security bring the kid up on stage. Then he picked the kid up on his shoulder and threw him off the stage onto the ground.

This clip shows the whole thing, but it's sideways:

This is a good clip of the kid getting thrown:

Normally I don't encourage frivolous lawsuits but I hope this kid shows up with a neck brace and takes this dickhead for everything he has.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what Cynthia Rodriguez should have said after her husband A-Rod was photographed running around the country, and up to his hotel room, with his mistress, a stripper. A stripper who is much less attractive than she is:

"I've contacted my lawyer and I am filing for divorce. No amount of money in the world is worth the embarrassment Alex put me through. I have a young daughter to worry about and I do not want her to grow up seeing her mommy embarrassed as her daddy runs around town with muscular strippers. I hope I can be a role model to women everywhere who are stuck in lousy relationships. You don't love him and he obviously doesn't love you. Leave him. Our former First Lady and future President wasn't strong enough to send that message but I am going to do it. No man is worth the agony Alex has put me through. And when I leave his ass, I'm gonna leave with half."

The Porn Effect has an article about the mainstreaming of porn and the dangerous impact it is having on our youth, specifically the slutty girls who undress on their webcams for $5 some creepy old guy promises to send to their paypal account.

In April, more than a third of the U.S. Internet audience visited sites that fit into the online "adult" category, according to comScore Media Metrix.

While boys tend to seek out porn for their own sexual pleasure, girls who exhibit provocative behavior they're not ready for -- from undressing online to performing oral sex on boys are doing it to please someone else, they're grasping for attention.

Another Urban Myth About Pop Rocks

First there was the story that if you ate Pop Rocks and drank soda you would die, and that's what happened to Mikey from the Life cereal commercials.
Now you have this urban legend, which I'd like to research.

Good Grief Armando

How did Charles Schulz predict this outcome years before Benitez did this against the Mets?

that trouble maker Snoopy was probably dancing off third base

Penultimate Sopranos

The best Sopranos episode in years, though I think the whole season has been very consistent at a high level.

One of the funniest moments in Sopranos history

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I thought some of the ancillary characters would get killed, leaving Tony with his family. Since then, Christophuh, Bacala and Sil all died (Sil's as good as dead).

I'm sorry the Bobby Bacala era is over. I guess it's the first part of letting go of a show I have enjoyed for so long. I knew they were going to kill him, and I'm not sad that they did, I just miss him already. He really broke onto the scene in the Pine Barrens episode, but then Steven Schirripa became the real life incarnation of Bacala. He made appearances promoting "The Goomba's Guide to Dating," saying things like "Do steal a kiss; don't steal her purse" and "Do open the car door for your date; don't open the car trunk for your date." He became a force of nature. And his popularity actually led to his increased role on the show, marrying Janice and punching Tony in this season's opener.

As far as I was concerned I never really enjoyed Sil. I didn't mind him, his jaw, his hair, his suits, but he was never funny like Pauli and he never drove the action of the show like Chrissy.

Frank Vincent is an all-time great villain. This storyline wouldn't have worked nearly as well if Johnny Sac (played by Vincent Curatolo) were still around.

AJ is such a pathetic piece of shit.

Great cameo by Jets Coach Eric Mangini.

The Man-Genius is here

I can't wait for the final episode, but I never want it to come. I want to see how it ends, but I never want it to finish.

Is This Funny?

I don't really think so. A floppy-haired Will Ferrell, argues with his landlord, who curses at him, and talks about drinking.

I don't think it's funny, nor do I think it's dangerous to the child, she's just repeating what she hears, and will probably soon forget.

Paris in Prison

Paris Hilton has checked into an LA County Jail where she will spend the next 22 days (1 down), contemplating ways to improve the world and change the perceptions of her, even though she worked so hard to create those perceptions. Paris was allowed to keep her hair extensions, many inmates are not. Hers fit the jail's description of "tightly wound." Helping create this booking photo. This is her actual booking photo from the LA Sheriff's Department.

g-l-a-m o-r-o-u-s, glamorous, flossy, flossy

Monday, June 04, 2007

What a Douche

Florida Gators coach Billy Donovan signed a 5 year, $27.5 million contract to move to the NBA and become the coach of the Orlando Magic. Donovan evidently had second thoughts, because three days later he asked to be released so he could go back to Florida.

Obviously, this was a tough decision for Donovan, he must have listened to The Loving Spoonful's "Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?" 1000 times last week.

Normally, I'm a hardass about contracts and agreements but if Donovan is going to be unhappy with the Magic it doesn't benefit anyone to force him to stay there. I just can't understand what it is that he didn't consider or that made him change his mind in such a short period.

What Kind of Tree Was It?

When East Greenbush is not in the news for its gay teachers, North Greenbush takes the stage. Known as "The Other, Other Side of the Tracks," North Greenbush (and the rest of the area) was hit by a big storm last week. While responding to an accident, a police officer was hit in the head with a falling tree. The video is pretty cool.

New Pictures of A-Rod's Mistress

Some funny Red Sox fans donned blonde woman masks to taunt poor A-Rod. Pretty funny. Where do they sell these things? Were they leftover from Halloween when no one wanted to dress as Betty from the Archie comics?

I think one of these taunters actually is a woman

If you want to see the real pictures of Joslyn Morse, click here- Safe for Work.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

What a Difference Ten Years Makes

Roughly ten years ago, a young pop sensation named Britney Spears broke onto the scene with her catchy hit "Hit Me Baby, One More Time." She appealed to men of all ages with her teen angst and naughty schoolgirl attire.

hit me baby one more time

Then Britney went through a phase where she wasn't a girl, but not yet a woman, but she tried to be one, a really slutty one, and it was awesome. Then she became a woman. She became a sloppy mother of two (with the C-section scar to prove it) in torn fishnet stockings.

can't she afford a new pair?

Then after Britney made it big, a fresh faced newcomer named Christina Aguilera burst onto the scene with her hit song "Genie in a Bottle" that made lots of guys rub themselves the right way.

her parents must look at these old pictures and think - what happened to our little girl?

Then she changed her image and became a dirty whore in assless chaps with jizz in her hair.

assless chaps rule

Editor's Note: Christina has cleaned up her image recently, after marrying a nice Jewish boy. But she's still a whore.

At the tail end of this pop princess phase, emerged Mandy Moore with the song "Candy." She was only 15 so she was a little young to get too sexually excited about, except for pedophiles, the Concierge and TON who famously said "I was at my computer and I accidentally typed in"


Fast forward several years and Mandy Moore has turned into by the far the hottest of three. Proving that as in life, when it comes to being a hot young pop star, it's not where you start, it's where you finish.