Friday, December 23, 2005

Clean Shaven Damon

looks just like a young Abe Reiss

Weekly Picks

After my first losing week of the season I rebounded in fine form last week with a 5-2 record, bringing my season tally to 39-22. Thanks to Brett Favre's horrid performance, Adam and Harley are now tied for first. One point back there is a 2-way tie for 3rd. So basically there are four teams in it, one will win ($1300), one will come in second ($600), third ($300) and one loser will come in fourth ($0). Adam is fond of saying the next two weeks will decide. I think we will decide. And Decision 2006 starts now.

CHIEFS -1.5 chargers: After their most impressive victory last week, how can you not like San Diego to win the game. Kansas City got hot at home, then went on the road and lost to Dallas and New York. They are a much different team at home. But I still cannot pick against the better team in what amounts to a pick'em game. I think San Diego avoids the letdown and prays for Jacksonville or Pittsburgh to lose (not bloody likely).

TEXANS +6.5 jaguars: Houston has become such a quandry. They won last week, so does that mean they didn't throw the 3 previous games? If so they have played four decent games in a row but have no idea how to close it out. I'm pretty sure Jacksonville won't let this one get away so the question becomes can David Garrard lead this team to enough points to win by a touchdown. Remembering my overriding NFL theory (no team is as good or as bad as they looked last week) I'll guess that Jacksonville musters 24 points and covers.

PANTHERS -5.5 cowboys: Dallas got their asses kicked last week, but they are still one of four 8-6 teams in the NFC that can make the playoffs with two straight wins and a little luck. Carolina has been maddeningly inconsistent all year. I don't expect a Parcells team in the playoff race to lay down and die two weeks in a row. That means this will be a close game so why not take Dallas and the points?

CARDINALS -1.5 eagles: Arizona really let me down last week. I can't believe they lost to Houston. Philadelphia has played gamely since that destruction at the hands of Seattle on Monday night. I'm giving Arizona one more chance because Josh McCown is over the flu and schedule to start. But if John Navarre becomes the starter between now and game time then change this pick to Philadelphia.

BRONCOS -13.5 raiders: Oakland is dead. Denver will kill them.

BUCCANEERS -3.5 falcons: Tampa Bay got deeeeeeeestroyed by New England last week. Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick look awful against Chicago. One of these teams will bounce back. I think it will be Tampa Bay. I really hate Mike Vick, almost as much as Favre.

SAINTS -3.5 lions: Joey Harrington is back to starting for Detroit. That makes it pretty easy to pick New Orleans.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Facebook -- The Greatest Thing to Hit College Since Beer

Since most of us left college a website called facebook is revolutionizing dating on college campuses. Florida State fan Jenn Sterger has a great facebook site.
Derek once told us about her.
Now she is reportedly going to be in Maxim and Playboy. To what does she owe her popularity?

"I just chalk up all the questions to having an amazing surgeon. I’m sure he is enjoying all the free press he is getting, as almost any message from a girl on my is always about, I WANT YOUR DOCTORS NUMBER! It’s kinda flattering. But you will get your occasional haters. If the only way you can insult me is by pulling the “fake boob card,” by all means …get some new material buddy. How original. Hey, it was MY money, a great investment, and damn it, ‘I am gonna shake what the doctor gave me.’"

Once again, too bad these aren't brains
I know we're not supposed to use Native American stereotypes anymore but this picture made me build a teepee in my pants

The Quandry of the Las Vegas Bowl

BYU is playing Cal in the Las Vegas Bowl tonight. Should we assume that BYU's Mormon players (who do not engage in sex with women other than their wives) will not be distracted by the lights, gambling and strippers in Vegas?

My Name is Rey Ordonez

Cleveland Plain-Dealer has a funny story about the aliases athletes use on the road.
Shaq uses Donovan Perot "because I'm fast like Donovan McNabb, and I'm rich like Ross Perot."
He also goes by Vladimir Mandingo, "that's a big Russian-African looking dude."
Ricky Davis uses Dicky Ravis.
Terry Porter uses Tiger Woods.
Sorry, there's no Terry Porter staying here, just Tiger Woods.

Tony Dungy's Son Dies

Tony Dungy's son was found dead in his apartment in Tampa where he is a student at the University of Central Florida. His girlfriend entered the apartment and found James on the floor. Efforts to revive him failed. He was 18. Cause of death won't be known until an autopsy is done but they do not suspect foul play.

Poor Tarik Glenn

The Colts Left Tackle was told he made the Pro Bowl, then had it ripped out from under him.

According to the Colts, the NFL's Pro Bowl list included Glenn's name as one of three AFC tackles selected for the Feb. 12 game in Honolulu. Then the league called back to inform the Colts there was a tabulating mistake.

Dungy asked the league to look into the matter, and when players strolled into the locker room at midday, most still thought Glenn was headed to Hawaii. Manning and Saturday both talked about the eight players headed to Hawaii, and Glenn even thanked his peers for voting him into the Pro Bowl for the first time. He played last year in Honolulu after being a first alternate.

"It's an honor," Glenn said. "You like to get to the point where your peers recognize you for playing well."

At 2 p.m., the league again contacted the Colts and notified them Glenn was, indeed, a first alternate behind Cincinnati's Willie Anderson, Baltimore's Jonathan Ogden and Kansas City's Willie Roaf.

League spokesman Steve Alic explained there was a computer error, a possible first in league balloting.

"Part of the vote was tabulated incorrectly and when the error was fixed, we learned that Tarik Glenn was a first alternate," he said. "We discovered the votes had not been tabulated correctly."

Glenn walked off the practice field with a glum expression on his face. Had he stayed on the roster, the Colts would have tied a franchise record with eight Pro Bowl selections, originally set in 1958, then matched in 1964 and 1971.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Isn't It Ironic?

Mike Tice criticizes Vikings fans for selling their tickets to Steelers fans.
"Look, when you go to some stadiums, it's so deafening that you can't hear. When you have 15 to 20 thousand of the opponent's fans in there, it's not deafening," Tice said.
Coach, why did fans sell their tickets?
"Maybe they're not really diehard season-ticket holders or maybe they needed the money for Christmas presents. I don't know. One of the two."
All this comes from a man who was fined $100,000 for scalping his tickets to the Super Bowl last year.

Useless T-shirt

I obviously can't wear this shirt anymore.

You let us down Johnny

Welcome to New York Michelle Damon

Michelle Damon will be accompanying her beloved husband to New York. I wonder how Anna Benson feels about this. Is New York big enough for two fake breasted, pushy ex-stripper, ballplayers' wives? We will soon find out.

More on Mrs. Damon, including denials that she used to work as a stripper. At least Anna is proud of her past.

It must have been cold that night
I think this picture is actually a wedding photo, that's a lot of cleavage for a wedding dress, and where are johnny's sleeves?

Jesus Joins the Evil Empire

Johnny Damon signed with the Yankees for 4 years and $52 million. Damon was originally hoping to get a 7-year deal, but that was ridiculous. This is a little more reasonable, he'll only be 36 in the final year of the contract.
The Yankees ban long hair and beards meaning Johnny is in for an offseason makeover.


Funny Bathroom

Kobe Goes Off

Kobe Bryant scored 62 points in last night's game against Allas (there definitely was no D), and he only played three quarters. After three, Kobe had 62 points and Dallas only had 61. He shot 18-31 from the field and made 22 of 25 free throws and 4 3-pointers on 10 attempts. No one else on the Lakers scored in double figures.

Chad Johnson is Up to Something

Last week he handed the ball to the official. Don't expect something as understated this week. Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson is planning something big for this week's game.

He hit a deer on the highway, but didn't kill him. He took the animal home, is keeping it in his garage and plans to use him as a prop this weekend. He expects to be suspended for the last game of the says but says it'll be worth it.

Johnson says, "You can look forward to the celebration being part of something that has to do with Christmas. It's going to be fun. This is going to be the greatest celebration of all time, man. I actually use an animal."

In a tribute to his favorite movie, Johnson is going to score a TD and shoot the deer's mom

Whatcha Gonna Do When Kamania Runs Wild on You?

Good profile on Clippers center Chris Kaman in the LA Times. Kaman is a weird dude.

All the Kamaniacs out there...

First there is his Hulk Hogan haircut. It's a light blond, thinning on the top and long in the back. Kaman hasn't cut it in two years.

Kaman has ADD, but he recently stopped taking his medication. Sometimes his mind wanders on the court, but when that happens he has Sam Cassell to help him.

"Kaman is the kind of guy, he's like a giant bass, you give him slack, and give him slack, then you reel him in," Cassell said. "I yell at him because I believe in him."

Cassell also said: "Kaman is like a far-away island, farther than Hawaii, way, way out there."

That comes from a guy who is from Mars.

Kaman has a three man posse from Grand Rapids, Michigan. They don't drink or curse or go out to LA clubs and Kaman hates rap music. In their free time the shoot arrows at a styrofoam deer in the backyard, and play Monopoly.

In his apartment, Kaman has a piano that he doesn't know how to play, a pet dog and a pet python.

Schmuck Builds Giant Snowman

Billy Ray Powers had some free time this month. So with the help of neighborhood kids who helped him bring snow over from other people's yards, Powers built a 16 foot tall snowman. Snowzilla has a carrot for a nose and beer bottles for eyes. I guess there isn't much else to do in Alaska.

Powers used a garden hose for Snowzilla's dick

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Let's Go Bowling

UPDATE: It's not too late. You can still create entries and make picks until December 27th. Obviously you will miss a few games but there will still be plenty of time to catch up. Derek took an early leading by designating Southern Mississippi as his most confident game.

Bowl games start tonight. Make your picks at ESPN's Bowl Mania game.
You pick the winner of each game and assign a confidence score of 1-28 for each.
Picks must be made today.
Join the group called "News U Can't Use"

Just Having Fun Out There

Back in the early 1990s there was no better hour on television than NFL PrimeTime. The nicknames, the fum-bulls, it was all new and exciting. Now every douchebag on TV has stolen his gimmick and Berman looks old and tired, just trying to hang on.
Sort of like his new idol, Brett Favre. Over the past few years Berman's hero worship of Favre has been sickening to watch. Every time Favre played like the white Aaron Brooks, Berman would call him a gunslinger and say how much fun he was having out there. Now Favre is basically one of the five worst starting QBs in the league and everyone knows it...except the select few who work on TV broadcasting NFL games or highlights.
On Sunday Berman and Tom Jackson gave the Colts a standing ovation for their wonderful season.
Come on guys, at least try to behave like journalists.

The Problem With A-Rod

Everyone knows Alex Rodriguez is a great player, but I've never met someone who is a big fan of his. And why does he always fail in big spots? Because he tries too hard.
This World Baseball Classic incident underscores what the problem with him is.
He decided not to play because he couldn't choose between the U.S. (the country he lives in) and the Dominican Republic (the country of his ancestry).
Now maybe he made that up because he didn't really want to play, but I don't think so.
A-Rod has to learn two important, related lessons:
1) You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself
2) When you try to please everyone you end up pleasing no one

Tractor?!?!?! We Gave a Kid a Tractor??!!!

Before Game 6 of the National League Championship Series Astros owner Drayton McLane told Roy Oswalt that he would buy him a bulldozer if he clinched the Astros' trip to the World Series.
Oswalt came through paid up with a slightly-used D6N XL from Caterpillar.
The D6N XL runs about $230,000 brand-new.
Oswalt, who recently bought a 1,000-acre spread near his hometown of Weir, Miss., said he'd use his new toy to fix two lakes and build a few roads. He even jokingly promised to redesign Minute Maid Park.
"I'm going to take out the Crawford Boxes and move them a little farther out," he said.

It's not a tractor but this is as close as we're going to get.

If they had won the World Series Oswalt would have gotten a nuclear surfboard

Transit Strike

No problem getting in this morning. I did have to get in about half hour earlier than normal though. And we also picked up a woman in Englewood Cliffs on the way. But we put on the radio and the guy on 1010 WINS said traffic was twice as heavy as normal on the GW Bridge, and the West Side Highway was backed up as people tried to get in before the 5am restriction on cars with fewer than four passengers. That guy was a liar. There was zero traffic on the bridge and on the West side.
This afternoon I will have to walk from Columbus Circle to Penn Station but that's not that big of a deal.

My long walk, 25 city blocks, should take about half an hour

Rough Night for Kate

Here is her account:

just got home from the animal hospital with Diesel. Tonight around 8 Diesel started to heave and finally around 9 he threw up three times. Then for about an hour he continued to hack and gag, he was also constantly licking the carpet and his lips and drooling a lot so I called the vet which wasn't open and they said to call the Oradell Animal Hospital. I called them planning to only ask for some advice like should I give him rice or something. They said that it sounded too serious they could hear him hacking on the phone and said I needed to come right in.
He was triaged by some assistant and then brought to a room. We waited about a half hour to see the vet. She examined him and said he needed to have an X-ray to see if he had an obstruction. He was bouncing around the room and acting like his crazy self and I thought maybe it was a waste to bring him in. But he was still gagging and hacking. After she took him from me she came back out and told me that they would have to sedate him to do the x-rays. Big shocker there. I waited an hour and a half before hearing anything from them. In the meantime a bunch of dogs came in. Including a 10 year old doberman that was dying and the poor lady was crying her eyes out. They put me back in the room and the vet finally came in to tell me he had a bunch of air in his belly, but there was no obstruction. I asked her if the air could have been from all the gagging and licking he was doing before and she said yes. She was concerned that he might have an illeus, but that I could take him home and monitor him. I had told her earlier about all the snow he keeps eating and so I asked her if this could cause this. She said that the snow could make his stomach upset and that we shouldn't let him eat anymore. Good luck with that.
They had me wait in the room and the vet tech brought him out. He was stumbling around like he was drunk. His eyes were so droopy and he wasn't himself at all. They gave him some fluid subcutaneously (under his skin) and a shot of Pepcid to ease his stomach. I guess that combined with the sedation cured him. He collapsed on the floor while I was waiting to pay our bill, and fell over while trying to pee outside. I practically had to carry him up the stairs to our room. Hopefully our pet insurance will pay for some of the $747 bill. We have to submit the claim to them, they don't do it directly. We might have to get him a muzzle to wear while he walks so he doesn't eat as much snow. No matter how much we try to watch him and pull him away from it he seems to still eat so much. This is the third time he's thrown up after the eating a large amount of snow. But the other times he was fine after he threw up."

I'll never eat another piece of snow
Sedated Diesel

Monday, December 19, 2005

Malik Rose is a Welcher

The Knicks continue to downplay the shower-room altercation between Malik Rose and Nate Robinson after Wednesday's blowout loss to Orlando, still claiming it was simply over towels and soap. But Rose came clean yesterday, admitting that his welshing on a bet prompted the dust-up.
The two were OK with each other yesterday. When the media were let into the team's Greenburgh training facility, Rose was shagging rebounds for Robinson at the end of free throw drills.
Rose won't divulge what he owes Robinson for seeing his Eagles lose to the Seahawks two Monday nights ago, and the rookie did not make himself available to the media.
But Robinson apparently showed the kind of toughness that Isiah Thomas loves when he went into the shower to collect on the wager.
"Nate tried to jump on me when I was naked, thinking he had the advantage that way," Rose said. "He just got on my nerves, trying to get his money, and I'm not giving it to him. It was a couple of dollars."
The way Rose said "a couple of dollars," a couple of zeroes might be part of the bet.
Also as part of the payoff, Rose has to wear a Seahawks jersey and hat. Rose admitted that he tried to get out of the bet during the game when the Eagles' Michael [this is an error in the Daily News article. We all know it was Brian, the great Michael retired a long time ago] Westbrook was injured.
"All bets aren't good until halftime," he claimed. "When Westbrook went down, I didn't want to bet no more and Nate won't let me out of it. I don't think I should have to pay because all of my guys were injured."
This isn't the first tangle between Robinson and a teammate. Earlier this season, he and inactive center Jerome James had an altercation in practice.

Fighting naked in the shower doesn't seem like a good way to build team unity. But apparently Robinson and Rose did bury the hatchet. They went to the movies together this weekend, reportedly seeing "Brokeback Mountain".

Which Knick Was It?

Read this story is a couple papers:
Larry Brown told a story that illustrates his players' inability to grasp simple concepts when asked about the occasional shot-clock violations they've committed lately.

"One [player] asked me, 'How do I know the time [left on the shot clock]?'" he said. "I said, 'Well, it's usually on top of the backboard.'"

"I never thought I'd have to have that kind of response. But you just can't take anything for granted."

Smist's Dream

Smist always dreamed of bringing a sign to a game and getting shown on TV. Too bad he was never as clever as this Kentucky fan at their game versus Louisville on Saturday.

Sex Boat Allegations

We are finally hearing the specifics of what happened on the Vikings sex boat, thanks to the police reports.

Daunte Culpepper got a "lap dance" from a naked female. During this lap dance, Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer.

Fred Smoot held a double-headed dildo and moved the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were laying on the floor. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman.

Bryant McKinnie picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar and began to perform oral sex on the woman. This was in full view of the other guests and any crew members who were close by. At a different time in the evening, Mr. McKinnie and three other unidentified males received oral sex from four women while the men were seated on deck chairs on the boat.

Moe Williams received a "lap dance" which involved the dancer dancing bare breasted and Mr. Williams with his hands on and touching the breasts of the female.

Say it ain't so Smoot

My New Favorite NBA Player

Before last night's Dallas Mavericks game in Dallas, Devin Harris grabbed a microphone and wished the crowd Happy Holidays. Darrell Armstrong, then took the mike, even though he wasn't scheduled to speak.
Armstrong said "How bout those Redskins," rubbing into the crowd that Washington had just stomped the Cowboys, 35-7.
The Mavericks fined Armstrong $1,000 for the move.
But it was well worth it, I'm sure.
Armstrong says he has been an avid Redskins fan since he was a kid.
Cuban and coach Avery Johnson say the Cowboys are friends and the fine will go to a charity of the Cowboys choosing.

Mrs. Claus on the Naughty List

Kris Benson served as Santa Claus at the Mets annual holiday party. Anna Benson of course tagged along as Mrs. Claus. They reiterated that they don't want to be traded, they want to be with the Mets forever. Not sure if this amount of cleavage is appropriate for greeting youngsters, but oh well.

My wife is a ho, ho, ho
Mrs. Claus just lean in a little more
I want boobs like yours for Christmas
Willie smiles knowingly while peering down the front of Anna's dress
I want to sit on Mrs Claus' lap and talk about the first thing that pops up

Classic NBA Game

Last week was the 22nd anniversary of one of the greatest games in NBA history. The night Detroit beat Denver 186-184 in three overtimes.
Douchebag Eric Neel wrote an article about the game for page2. But the most interesting part is the box score.
My brother loved when the Knicks had Kiki Vande-wedgie

T.O. in GQ

Terrell Owens is in the latest issue of GQ blasting his teammates once again.
He said "some of my teammates didn't want to see me come back, but I came back," for the Super Bowl last year.
"When I was rehabbing, they called me selfish for trying to get on the field to play," he explained. "I said, 'You guys are labeling me selfish for rehabbing, trying to play in the biggest game of the year?' If Brett Favre had done it, you would've said he was a hero, would've given him an 'ironman' award or something like that."
He says the Eagles "used" him, and the media hates him.
He says his trip to the Astrodome to visit Katrina victims was ignored, while the Manning brothers were praised for their relief efforts.
The best part of the GQ article though is the sexy pictures of his fiance Felicia Terrell who really loves him.
The fact that she's an aspiring model with zero career who now appears in major magazines is just a positive externality of their love.

I hope she popped it and the gum got stuck to TO's face
Chicks in jerseys are hot
I wonder how used he'll feel after this chick launches her modeling career and then leaves his ass