Saturday, April 30, 2011

The $10,000 Uranus Joke

A few weeks ago Billy excitedly texted me imploring me to put on "America's Funniest Videos." He thought I would enjoy the video that he was sure would win the $10,000 first prize. Here it is:

Now I do think that video is funny, and I love a good Uranus joke, but what the hell was Billie doing watching "America's Funniest Videos"? Is he 90 years old and falls asleep in his easy chair after Sunday dinner?

Friday, April 29, 2011

Things I Thought Today

Why didn't Zach Randolph try this hard when he was on the Knicks? Notice I didn't say "why didn't Zach Randolph play this well when he was on the Knicks?" I know the answer to that. It's because he didn't try this hard.


I think Blaine Gabbert is going to be the best quarterback in the 2011 NFL Draft. I think Jake Locker is going to be the worst.

I also think Nick Fairley is going to be a bust. I saw him on Gruden's QB Camp and he seemed to be a functional illiterate. He was pretty decent diagramming plays, but in normal conversation he seemed like a 4-year-old. Sort of like Alvin Mack without the charm and the door knocker.


Why did the Mets demote Dillon Gee to the bullpen? Chris Capuano sucks, and has more value in the bullpen because he's a lefty. Capuano had one good start. Gee had 7.


It's good to be the Prince.

looks like Kate Middleton is giving Prince William a blow job

Suggested by Mrs. Focks

Royal Pain in the Ass

For years I have said the princess myth is the most dangerous thing we teach our young girls.
Here's why: practically from birth, every girl is told she is a princess and someday a handsome Prince Charming will come and sweep her off her feet.
Only problem is, unless she's Kate Middleton that won't happen.
And those girls will spend the rest of their lives looking for Prince Charming and he will never come.
No matter how many toads you sleep with after a few too many apple martinis, none of them will turn into Princes.
So instead women marry the wrong man, pass up the right man, or spend years of unhappiness just because they didn't find a non-existent prince.

I'm not saying women should settle, I'm saying women should be realistic, the fairy tale is never going to happen for them.

Unless they're Kate Middleton.

I went into this morning's wedding with a lot of skepticism but I have to say I enjoyed it way more than I thought I would.

Kate brings back the sleeved wedding dress

I'm not into fashion so I don't give two shits about Kate's daring fashion choice to bring sleeves back:

the Queen looks like Pac-Man

I don't care about the awful shade of yellow the Queen was wearing:

Pincess Beatrice looked as if her hat were antlers

And I don't care about the silly hats. Ok, I care a little. They are funny.

Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice had a hat glued to her forehead

But why were so many women wearing the hats glued to their foreheads instead of atop their heads?

Pippa Middleton is hot

I do like hot chicks so I enjoyed the sister of the bride, Pippa Middleton, who is now the new hottest woman in England:

I also could have done without all the crazy media coverage, but I understand when you do four hours on a wedding you are left with nothing but hype.

And I still believe it will be only a few years before the Sun and Telegraph are full of rumors about Wills banging chicks on the side while poor Kate suffers.

But for today, for this one morning, it was a nice, enjoyable, elegant lovely wedding and all of us one-time aspiring princes and princesses could escape the reality of our own existences and be swept up into a fairy tale world of beauty, elegance, palaces, carriages and millions of adoring fans.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Albert Haynesworth Uses the "I Don't Even Like Black Girls" Defense

Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is fat, lazy, surly, overpaid and evidently his opinion of himself is just as inflated as his fat ass.

On February 12th, Haynesworth was at a private birthday party at the P.O.V. Roof Terrace and Lounge at the W Hotel in Washington DC.

As the party was ending Haynesworth called over the waitress to pay his bill. She came over but was holding dirty dishes. She told him to wait until she put them down but he insisted on paying immediately.

So he put the debit card in one place he knew she could carry it, her bra. She says he then grabbed and fondled her breast even though she told him to stop.

Witnesses said Haynesworth said to her “I’m just going to put my card right here.” She allegedly nodded in approval, but told him to take his hand off her breast.

Maybe she was ok with him sliding it in there, but not with him touching her boob. Not sure what she was thinking. But she must have been upset, because when his card was declined, she sent another employee over to his table to get an alternate payment.

Haynesworth says he did nothing wrong and he will not accept a plea deal. This is his defense:

“I know what this is about. She is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me. I don’t even like black girls."

what woman wouldn't want to get with this fat slob

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Song of the Week

"Roll Up" - Wiz Khalifa
I did it again. I trashed an artist to JLeary then enjoyed his next song without knowing it was the same artist. I told him that while riding in my car I turned off the radio and drove in silence rather than listening to his previous effort "Black and Yellow." Khalifa is from Pittsburgh which makes me wonder if his father is Sammy Khalifa.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Seems Like Brandon Marshall Had it Coming

The Denver Post had an amazing timeline showing the various off-field incidents in the life of Brandon Marshall. I will condense it here:

June 17, 2006: Marshall and his girlfriend Rasheedah Watley both filed police reports alleging physical abuse by the other in an hours-long a fight at Marshall's Orlando apartment. No arrests.

March 18, 2007: Watley told Atlanta police that Marshall had punched her and taken her purse while at a downtown hotel. Marshall left before police arrived and no charges were filed.

Brandon Marshall and Rasheeda Watley during what appears to be one of their few happy moments

March 21, 2007: Police in Palm Beach County, Fla., interviewed Marshall and Watley twice in one night after two loud arguments. Both said the incidents were not physical, and no arrests were made.

March 26, 2007: Marshall was arrested in Highlands Ranch on charges of domestic violence and false imprisonment after another argument.

June 8, 2007: Two incident reports were filed by Atlanta police. The first was to investigate damage to private property when Watley's friend alleged that Marshall hit her car and then threw a rock at the passenger door, where Watley was riding. In the other, Watley told police Marshall had cut her in the thigh and punched her in the face. She was taken by ambulance to a local hospital. Marshall was not on the scene, and no charges were filed.

June 30, 2007: Watley told Atlanta police Marshall had punched and choked her at his downtown condo, leaving a bruise on her eye and scratches on her body. He was not on scene and no charges were filed.

March 4-5-6, 2008: Three incident reports and one criminal warrant filed after Watley and Marshall got into a fight at his Atlanta condo. She told police Marshall had punched her in the mouth and eye. Marshall told police his hand was also cut on glass during the incident, which included Watley's two younger sisters. Marshall was arrested on March 6 on a misdemeanor battery charge.

May 21, 2008: An Atlanta police officer was dispatched to Marshall's condo to enforce Watley's temporary restraining order while Watley was there removing her belongings. The officer described Marshall as being cooperative and Watley as being argumentative, though Watley told the officer she felt threatened by Marshall and his relatives who were also there.

Feb. 8, 2009: Played in his first Pro Bowl in Hawaii, an honor received because of his performance in the 2008 season. While on that trip, he proposed to his girlfriend, Michi Nogami Campbell.

March 1, 2009: Takes part in a fierce argument with his fiancée that leads to their arrest on disorderly conduct charges. The charges are dismissed the next day.

April 1, 2010: Marshall marries Michi Nogami in a courthouse ceremony in Jefferson County.

Brandon Marshall and his wife Michi Nogami

July 17, 2010: Marshall and his wife again exchange vows in a formal ceremony in Miami.

April 22, 2011: Michi Nogami-Marshall is arrested and jailed after she admits to police she stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife in self-defense. Marshall is hospitalized following emergency surgery to repair a non-life threatening stab wound to his stomach.

For the record, that's 8 incidents against Watley, including 5 times she accused him of punching her in the face. Even if those are the only times it happened, isn't that four too many?

His wife didn't seem to have the same patience. This latest incident is even more disturbing because Marshall, even after being stabbed, told police he slipped and fell on a broken vase. More upsetting, there really was a broken vase in the house. But police said there was no blood near it, when Marshall's alibi for his wife didn't check out, she confessed to stabbing him, but claiming it was self-defense.

Obviously Marshall is a very bad guy and a serial spousal abuser. I hope Michi learns her lesson and gets away with from this psychopath. And if some woman ever does give Marshall one more chance, I hope he learns the lessons his wife taught him at the end of a knife.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Hope is a Good Thing

"Even a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." - Ancient Chinese Proverb.

My knee-jerk reaction to the Knicks sweep at the hands of the Boston Celtics is not to have a knee-jerk reaction.

Yes, I am incredibly disappointed they couldn't even win a single game, especially after two heart-breakers on the road. I'm more disappointed that after two close games in Boston they came to New York and dropped an egg on the home crowd, being down so much so early the crowd never really got into the game, either game.

Here is why Knicks fans should be heartened: After years of refusal the Knicks finally went with Breaking Bad's "no half-measures" policy. They scorched earth and traded everyone they could. Then they built a new team around Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony.

Carmelo Anthony is the kind of player the Knicks can build around

Two problems with this approach: Amare's questionable health and the high price paid to get Carmelo.

The Knicks obviously don't have the depth to compete with the better teams in the NBA. And they don't have a good enough point guard to distribute (and defend) though I would have loved to have seen how they did with a healthy Billups.

Here is what they do have: two legitimate scorers. For the long and storied career of Patrick Ewing the Knicks never had a suitable scorer to compliment him.

Note: John Starks does not count because he was a barely literate volume shooter.

Now they have two great forwards who if they can stay healthy and be surrounded by a good core (defensive center, facilitating point guard,) they form the foundation of a potential NBA champion.

If he can stay healthy Amare Stoudemire could be the second piece of a championship puzzle

And that brings hope to a fanbase that has had no reason to be hopeful in at least 10 years.

But it still sucks to get swept out of the playoffs.

Baseball is Poop

Good Idea if Done Right, Bad One if Done Wrong
Bud Selig announcing this week there is a strong possibility one wild card team in each league will be adding beginning next year. No details have been given, but there is a right and a wrong way to do this. Adding another 7 or 5-game series to the playoffs would be a mistake. It would push the beginning of the season into March and the end of the season into November. The right way to do this would to have a 1 or 3 game playoff between the 2 wild card teams in each league. That would add a lot of excitement and it would give a tangible benefit to teams performing better in the regular season, because as it is now home-field advantage is not enough of a reward to keep those wild card teams from upsetting the division winners.

Wards of the State
Major League Baseball has seized control of the Los Angeles Dodgers, a supreme embarrassment for one of the league's most storied franchise. Bud Selig was justified in taking this step because owner Frank McCourt has completely mismanaged the franchise. Most embarrassingly, he put his grown sons, one in business school, one working for Goldman Sachs, on the team's payroll for $600,000. Most egregious, he used more than $100m of the team's money on personal mortgage deals. The last straw was a $30m loan he got from Fox so he could keep meeting payroll. Complicating matters is a nasty divorce battle between McCourt and his wife Jamie. Frank claims he is the sole owner of the team. Jamie claims she is half owner because the team was purchased during their marriage. Selig might actually be saving the franchise by taking it over, and he will surely try to force a sale and make the McCourts battle in court for the proceeds. But it certainly is an incredibly embarrassing incident for the Dodgers organization and it could cripple the team's operations if it continues to drag on.

Frank and Jamie McCourt are ruining the Dodgers

The Hypocrisy of Baseball
In baseball it is ok, even encouraged to steal bases. But it is not ok, and even discouraged to steal t-shirts. Cincinnati pitcher Mike Leake was arrested on suspicion of stealing 6 t-shirts from Macy's. The t-shirts had a total value of $60. Considering Leake's $425,000 salary he should have been able to afford them. The Reds seem unfazed by this, they let Leake take his scheduled turn after the incident and he improved to 3-0 on the season.

The Worst Baserunning I Have Ever Seen (And I'm a Mets Fan)
Thanks to an expanded free preview of MLB Extra Innings I spent the early season dipping into several games of teams I would never normally watch. When the Blue Jays and Angels went to extra innings I tuned in. And what I witnessed shocked me. Bobby Abreu led off with a single and advanced to third on a single by Torii Hunter. First and third no one out in the bottom of the 13th. Infield in, outfield in. Vernon Wells pops one to left, it's so shallow the left fielder (who I previously mentioned was playing in) and to run in and dive for it. Abreu conservatively decided not to test Travis Snider's arm. But Torii Hunter was running. Snider fired to first and doubled him up. Where the fuck was he going? His run means nothing. To make matters worse, Alberto Callaspo walked, and was picked off first. Where the fuck was he going? Technically it was Abreu who got caught stealing because he made a mad dash for home once he saw Callaspo was a dead duck. So with first and third and none out the Blue Jays faced one batter and got 3 outs. Total embarrassment.

Picture of the Week
I'm a sucker for interesting first pitches. Celebrities, hot chicks, dinosaurs. But this time it's a robot throwing out the first pitch for the Phillies.

First Pitch Honorable Mention
The Easter Bunny throws out the first pitch at the Marlins-Rockies game.