Friday, June 22, 2007

R U 4Real?

A couple in New Zealand has been prevented from naming their son 4Real because names may not begin with numerals.
They say most names you have to look up in a book to know what it means, everyone knows what 4Real means.

This of course reminds me of this oft-told story: When jusTON was complaining that his parents were charging him $250 rent to live at home I told him about Ben Gay. jusTON said "I would gladly pay $250 a month to have my name not be Ben Gay."

Money Player

Alberto Castillo homered for the first time in more than two years for the Orioles against the Padres, just moments after money fell from the sky at Petco Park.
Some jerk in one of the luxury boxes threw money and it floated into the stands and landed on the field. Freddie Bynum gave Castillo $3 in a hat (a minor league tradition after a home run), but he declined and it went to the batboy instead.
The douche who threw the money was ejected for violating a city ordinance by throwing an object onto the field.

This Didn't Happen in Our Family

Boys at the top of the pecking order score higher on IQ tests than their younger brothers.

It's a matter of what they call social rank in the family -- the highest scores were racked up by the senior boy.

The average IQ of first-born men was 103.2, they found.

Second-born men averaged 101.2.

And for third-borns, the average was 100.0.

Because of some cases in which an older sibling died in infancy, the child who was raised as the eldest had the higher IQ than the rest of the group in his pecking order. That led researchers to conclude that it's not a matter of being born first, but how you are treated when growing up the eldest boy.

This study did not include women which is good because I do not want Poop On Me to get mad. But me versus the Master? It's not even close.

More Congratulations and Felicitaciones and Mazel Tovs

In the same week that Tiger Woods had a little girl, Sam Alexis (June 18), two other great athletes also had kids.
Jeff Gordon and his wife Ingrid Vandebosch, had their first child, a girl Ella Sofia Gordon on June 20.
And on June 14, LeBron and his girlfriend, Savannah Brinson had their second child, a son, Bryce Maximus James.

A couple of side notes, LeBron and Tiger share the same birthday, December 30th.
Jeff Gordon is 35, Tiger is 31 and this is the first child for each. LeBron is 23 and has 2 kids.
Gordon and Tiger are both married to former models.

The King of Canadians

With Twins Canadian first baseman Justin Morneau stuck on 99 home runs the AFLAC trivia question on Wednesday's broadcast asked which player is the all-time home run leader among players born in Canada. I immediately knew the answer and I called Master Bates to tell him and play for him Gary Cohen's answer (which he gave with a French accent).

Thanks to a long lineage of Canadians and many Aprils spent watching Expos games on French TV (the french word for home run is circuit, pronounced sir-kwee), Master Bates and I fell in love with this guy. He also helped us win the second of two consecutive fantasy league titles with a ridiculous Coors Field week in the World Series.

All Poopheads should know that the all-time leader in home runs by a Canadian player with 383 is...(say it with a french accent) Larry Walker.


un circuit pour Larr-eeeee Walk-air

Take Your Dog to Work Day

Once again I forgot to check with my building security to see if I could bring Diesel to work with me. I'm sure he'd fit in perfectly in this work environment and wouldn't disturb the workplace at all.

Maybe he can go to work with Mrs. Poop tonight and help take care of the babies.

I think Bauer is too young to sell mortgages but I don't see any reason why Brody can't chase Georgia Derek on his scooter. He is the future overlord after all.

Out of Time

While Billy was getting us lost in suburban Philadelphia, blaring from the speakers was the Ice Cube classic "It Was A Good Day" (SOTW - 4/25/07). When Cube said "I got a beep from Kim, and she fuck all night," I realized that the song will soon be anachronistic because kids today probably have no idea what it means. What the hell is a beeper?

This post was inspired by The Malcontent who suggested that the sound used to signify something stopping (the scratching of a record player's needle) will be unfamiliar to an entire generation of kids who never saw a vinyl record, and may never see a CD.

We also discussed that we'd need to come up with a new analogy for something very small as no one uses a thimble anymore, especially now that the piece has been excommunicated from the Monopoly board.

you could use a thimble for a condom

Any other examples?

Thursday, June 21, 2007

You Dirty Rat

A pet rat is given oxygen by a Pocatello, Idaho, firefighter after being pulled from a house fire. The rat was found by a firefighter in a partially burned cage.
rat on oxygen

Too Good To Be True

I thought my ears must have been deceiving me when I overheard on Sportscenter "Erin Andrews and oral."
It was true, but not quite what I thought. She was hosting College World Series coverage with Orel Hershiser.
Hershiser was one of Papa Poop's favorite players, he always called him "Blowjob."
He also always called Hal Morris, Homo.
And everytime you said Kim Herring, he'd say "there's something fishy about that guy."
But I never heard him say that about Tim Salmon.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Song Of The Week

"God Only Knows" - The Beach Boys
This is one of the coolest things about youtube, the opportunity to see these old songs done in performances from 40 years ago.
This song came off the Pet Sounds album ranked #2 all-time by Rolling Stone.
You might need to have someone without whom God Only Knows what you'd be to really understand this song, but I don't think so.

Celebs Courtside

The LA Times has a cool gallery of celebrities at sporting events around LA. Here are a few of my favorites:

Ethan Suplee aka Randy Hickey aka Frankie Sticchino and Spider-man

Ethan Suplee and Tobey Maguire

Lindsay Lohan at a Lakers game in December, three trips to rehab ago



Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian and Giuliani DePandi at a Kings game

Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian and Giuliani DePandi at a Kings game.  I guess no one told Kardashian that black guys don't play hockey.

Neil Patrick Harris and a guest attend a Lakers playoff game

The Joy (and Danger) of Six

Within 10 hours of each other on June 10 and 11, two sets of sextuplets or sexes (if quadruplets are quads, and quintuplets are quints, then they are sexes, plus it's a palindrome) were born, one set in Arizona, one set in Minnesota.

The Minnesota sexes were born to a 24 year old mother, Brianna Morrison. She was given a drug called Follistim, which stimulates the ovaries to produce an egg. But sometimes there is an over-response and too many eggs are produced.

That's probably what happened here but she was only 24 years old. And unless they diagnosed a serious fertility issue they probably rushed into fertility treatments. I know it was probably very difficult for this couple who had been trying for about a year, but really a year isn't all that much time. Poor, little Elisabeth Hasselbeck also spoke out about the trouble she and Tim had conceiving their second child, after trying for about a year. For reasons none of us understand some people have a hard time getting pregnant, and a year may seem like forever when you want a child, but it really is only 12 maybe 24 or 36 tops, days of prime fertility. It probably was irresponsible for the Morrisons to seek fertility treatments at that point.

But that's just the beginning. The doctor approached the Morrisons about selective reduction, which is basically aborting the fetuses down to a manageable number, like 2, maybe 3. This is done to increase the likelihood that the surviving fetuses will be born healthy, at full term and not jeopardize the health of the mother.

But the Morrisons are committed Christians who met at Bethany College of Missions (and are against abortion) and decided to leave it in God's hands. I don't mean to be flippant about a serious topic, but God did the selective reduction for them. The babies were born at 22 weeks, weighing in at 11 to 20 ounces. Three of them died, and the other three are still in neonatal intensive care (NICU). Babies born before 22 weeks have a less than 10 percent chance at survival so their 50/50 shot is actually beating the odds.

And here is my main problem with this whole thing, if you are going to believe in God and trust God's will, then stick with it. When they couldn't get pregnant, THAT was God's will. Instead they claimed God led them to the fertility doctor. And now they have three kids who probably will never be healthy, whose health was sacrificed for three kids who didn't make it anyway.

The situation in Arizona is a little different. The mother, Jenny Masche (Mah-shay) was older, 32, they had been married for 3 years, she'd had 2 miscarriages and she was artificially inseminated. The insemination combined with the fertility drugs led to 6 fertilized eggs. The Masches also turned down selective reduction due to their belief in God. Their sextuplets came at 30 weeks giving them a very good chance at survival, but the mother almost died. She had acute heart failure during delivery because there was so much blood in her body to support the fetuses.

Masche was worried that selective reduction would cause her to miscarry again but she did give God the option to reduce them on his (or her) own. She was also heartened by septuplets born in Iowa in 1997. All 7 are still alive today, but 2 of them have cerebal palsy (one of the afflictions babies from multiple births are more prone to than the average kid). To Masche this sounded like good news, a 29% chance of cerebal palsy wasn't enough to convince her to listen to her doctors.

I don't wish to sound unsympathetic, I read this line in an article about their two previous miscarriages: "Twice, the couple felt the pain of seeing an ultrasound that showed no heartbeat." If anyone can relate to that it's me. Mrs. Poop and I underwent the same thing, thankfully the second time in our case was a false alarm. But I don't think that pain should lead you to make bad decisions or to defer them all to God.

I'm also getting a sour taste in my mouth about the way the Masches are handling the situation. They've set up a website (the address of which I feel compelled not to disclose) to ask people to help as they "feel called." Basically, it's them asking for people to help this "young Christian couple" by providing diapers and other supplies and of course money, for their new litter.

By the way, it must be very hard to come up with 12 baby names, here's what the Masches chose: Bailey Elizabeth, Savannah Jane, Molli Grace, Cole Robert, Blake Nickolas and Grant William.

All 6 are doing pretty well right now except Cole who was put back on a breathing machine.

one of the Masche sextuplets at birth
the Masche sextuplets weighed between 2 and 3 pounds at birth
Jenny Masche looks on at one of her brand new babies

This post may sound very critical and it is. I don't agree with what these parents did, specifically their selective trust in God's will. But I want these 9 children to grow up to be happy, healthy people who contribute something to our society. But I don't want them to become a shining example for the wonders of having mega-multiples. Remember, it's a vagina not a clown car.

Maybe She's Not a Joyless, Soulless Mercenary After All

Hillary Clinton's campaign has made a big deal out of picking her campaign song. They dragged it out so long that people were getting pissed off. But at least they delivered:



She chose Celine Dion's "You and I"

The Post and the News liked it so much they made the exact same cover out of it.


Baseball is Poop

You Wouldn't Like Big Z When He's Angry
On June 1, Carlos Zambrano got into a dugout scuffle with his catcher Michael Barrett after a five-run inning. Since then Zambrano has made three starts, all with Koyie (Coy) Hill behind the plate. In those three starts, Big Z is 2-1 with a 1.14 ERA, allowing 3 runs and only 10 hits in 23 2/3 innings.

And Don't Piss Off A-Rod Either
Since the Toronto series when he was photgraphed with his stripper friend and when he called off a Toronto player on a popup, A-Rod is batting .390. He has 8 homers and 28 RBI in those 17 games, of which the Yankees have won 13.

Maybe Someone Pissed Off Chone Figgins
Chone (Shawn) Figgins had one of the worst starts in recent memory, on May 28 he was batting .133 in 90 at bats. He had 10 runs scored and 3 RBI. Since then he is batting .458 (38-83), with 17 runs and 13 RBI. In those 18 games, he has 12 multiple hit games, 5 of 3 or more including a 6 for 6 on Monday. Quite a turnaround.

sweet swiggin figgins

We Know They're Pissed Off
The Cubs and Padres staged a memorable fight after Chris Young hit Derrek Lee with a pitch. While walking to first base Lee and Young exchanged words, then awkward missed punches. Both guys are tall (Lee is 6'6" and Young is 6'10") and have long arms so the punches took a while to come around. There was some other action, some good pushing and shoving which led to Lou Piniella get toppled over. I enjoy a good baseball fight, much better than an NBA brawl.

Derrek vs. Chris Young
Derrek vs. Chris Young
Derrek vs. Chris Young
Derrek vs. Chris Young

Thanks But No Thanks
Mike Piazza is so washed up that the Oakland A's are essentially paying him $8.5 million not to play for them. He won't make the trip to Shea Stadium this weekend even though he is now healthy (at least healthy enough to hit), because his replacement at DH Jack Cust is doing better than they think Piazza can do. Cust is batting .267. The A's are saying they want him to catch for them, and that his shoulder is not strong enough to catch yet.

Joe D is Safe
Minor leaguer Brandon Watson had his hitting streak snapped at 43 games. The streak was the longest in the International League (AAA), but shorter than in some other leagues, including the Pacific Coast League record of 61 games, held by Joe DiMaggio. Watson plays for the Columbus Clippers, which is now an affiliate of the Washington Nationals, after breaking ties with the Yankees in the great affiliate shuffle of 2006. Watson was the leadoff hitter for the Nationals on Opening Day last year against the Mets.

Brandon Watson smiles after extending his hitting streak to 43 games (not pictured: Watson punches a hooker after going 0 for 5 in the next game)

The One Thing Not Made Easier By the Internet
I try to read the box scores of all the games every day, but you have to click 15 teams, once between each game. With the newspaper, all the boxscores are laid out in front of you (except the late night west coast games), and in one easy movement of your head you can uncover all the information that unfolded on the baseball fields across the land the night before.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Teach Your Children Well

Children who eat candy cigarettes seem to be more likely to end up as smokers, according to a new study.
The research found that 22 percent of smokers said they had regularly had candy cigarettes as kids, and 14 percent of nonsmokers said the same.

candy cigarettes teach kids that smoking is ok, and in fact tasty

Lucky Lavar

Lavar Arrington is alive despite a serious motorcycle crash but he has a broken arm, 3 broken bones in his leg and various cuts and bruises.
Arrington saved his melon by wearing a helmet, and he wasn't drinking at the time.
He just lost control of his bike as motorcyclists are prone to do.
It's not clear how fast he was going but he was cited for driving a motorcycle without the proper permit.

The Importance of Being Thin

People are so desperate to be thin that they are snapping up a new diet drug called Alli (pronounced: ally), just because it is available without a prescription.
The problem, in the study group, people who were 220 pounds lost an average of 7 pounds a year.
And check out these side effects:
Gas with oily spotting
Loose Stools
More frequent stools that may be hard to control

The company that makes it says when starting the program you should either take a few days off work or wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."

Circum-Locution

According to a new survey, the rate of American baby boys who are circumcised, is falling steadily.
In 2004, only 57% were snipped as opposed to almost 90% in the 1960s.
Even some Jews (bad ones) are electing to have a bris, with no circumcision.
The reason for the decline, of course, immigrants. People coming from countries where the practice is not common, come here and have their uncircumcised anchor babies. Lou Dobbs is furious, we must protect American values like circumcision.
Also the medical benefits of the procedure may not be quiet important as we once believed.

Tiger Cub

Nine months ago Tiger Woods made a hole in one.
Monday his wife gave birth to a baby girl.
They named her Sam Alexis Woods.

Bill's Bachelor Party

Everything works in cycles. We are getting older and we're getting married. Bill is towards the tail end of the cycle in the Kliq as far as marriage goes. So this bachelor party was sort of a last hurrah, at least until Pizza Parlor Derek gets married, but that could take a while.

Life intervened and plans for Montreal were scrapped so we headed down to beautiful Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I don't golf so I skipped the Friday morning excursion in Delaware and the Thursday night trip to Buffalo Wild Wings where PPD managed to keep his fingers out of his eyes. You can read PPD's version of the events (which includes Thursday/early Friday).

On the trip down I called Bill and he told me they were on their way to Philly and they were going to grab something to eat ("we're not going to go out to dinner.") So I see a Roy Rogers on the Turnpike and I stop, maybe I would have anyway. I love Roy Rogers. One side note, I had been stuck in bad traffic at the northern most point of the Turnpike, then between exits 16 and 8a traffic was moving, but slowly. At exit 8A the traffic finally cleared and I was cruising. At that point I heard on the radio, "traffic backed up between exits 8a and 7a on the southbound side, for 13 miles". Totally untrue. This happens all the time. For the most part, traffic reports are complete bullshit.

By the time I arrive in Philly it seems everyone was waiting for me to go out to dinner. Bill is a douche. We walk to some sports bar. They say you can't get in with sneakers, until the saw 11 of us, at a time the restaurant wasn't very busy, so they decided to waive their no sneakers policy.

Instead of eating again I decided to drink my supper. At the time I was really pissed that out of 20 TVs, 19 were on the Phillies game and the other one was broken. But then I realized something that I've missed my whole life growing up in New York. We have two teams in everything. And in baseball and football, the population of New York City is split 60/40. In Philly everyone you see, everywhere you go, roots for the same teams. That's pretty cool.

After supper we headed to Show N Tel, which is a BYOB strip club. Because they don't sell alcohol it's full nude. And because you bring your own booze that are a lot of deadbeat lowlives.

One girl was wearing a very cute skirt/top combo with Phillies logos on it. I refused to give her a dollar.

Show N Tel has a thing called a hot seat. Basically you can bring a guy you hate and pay money to have a naked girl yank out his armpit hair, smack him in the face and twist his nipples.

I can throw a dollar bill and hit a balloon knot from 15 feet away.

Horse has sleep apnea. Michael and I diagnosed him while listening to his snoring and intermittent choking. Of course, this didn't bother me at all, I fell asleep in two minutes, but it kept Michael up all night. At 8 am he woke me and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I chose a few more hours of sleep and Michael enjoyed breakfast on his own, dining on french toast while getting annoyed by a gay waiter.

this statue was in the lobby of our hotel, i have no idea what it was, two fat guys arguing

Saturday was paintball day. First we stopped at a local WaWa which has touch screen ordering which is a good thing but it can be very confusing. Because each screen presents you with a bunch of different options, if you get caught up in it and forget what you previously selected, you can end up with a tuna sandwich with chipotle sauce, provolone, pickles and sweet peppers.

If you ever have to get somewhere on time. Do not let Billy drive. Despite internet directions and several phone calls to the paintball place, we still made about 5 U-Turns including one where the sign said "paintball" with an arrow straight, and Bill made a right.

I'm not going to describe the paintball game in detail except to say some of us took it lightly, others took it seriously. Michael, Aaron and I had never played before and were just happy to run around like fools. Greco obviously plays a lot (even though it screws up his softball swing), as he came in full gear including a silly hat and a paint grenade. Horse also took it too seriously, as he does everything, and he pelted Josh with a barrage of paintballs that left Josh welted and furious.

Most of us bought paper thin camo suits which didn't really do much except make us look cool. PPD ripped his. It was fun to play but it was a little too hot and I tired quickly. I also got shot twice in the neck, which left huge red marks that look like hickeys. And one time I got shot right on the thumb which hurt so fuckin bad.

After paintball we went back to the hotel to clean up and get ready for dinner at Philly's finest steakhouse, Geno's or Pat's. We ordered in English and enjoyed our delicious dripping cheesesteak. I had wiz wid. I actually wanted peppers and mushrooms but Geno's only had onions.

Geno's steaks, where Mexicans are allowed but only if they speak English

Smokey having never been to either one, tried the steaks from both then offered a gourmet's analysis of the finer points of each one. I think he was disappointed that Boyz II Men wasn't out front singing "Motown Philly." This weekend did nothing to diminish the brotherly bond that Smokey and I feel towards each other. I really think I am more likely to be related to him than I am to Master Bates or Step On Me.

Saturday night we went classy and headed over to Crazy Horse Too. Things didn't really pick up until a group of African-American gentleman sat next to the stage with three huge stacks of bills. And they weren't just ones. The girls were loving it, and these guys were making it rain, heavily on the stage. Josh sensing an opportunity bought the guys drinks. And that kindness was revisited upon us tenfold at least. These guys were throwing so much money around, they easily spent 10 grand that night. At one point one guy threw a stack of 20 $5 bills onto the stage. And of course everyone was trying to guess their profession. They were either rappers, athletes or drug dealers.

The saddest place in the world is on the steps of a strip club at 3am, waiting for a cab that may never come. The girls were coming out in their sweatpants without makeup, and we were still sitting there.

This was made even sadder still by the fact that we don't have too many more of these opportunities left.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Carlos Gomez's Catch

Carlos Gomez made an amazing catch Friday to help the Mets secure at least one victory in the Subway Series.

Carlos Gomez makes a great catch

Because it came in the left field corner and started a double play it reminded me of another famous catch. Gomez's might have been harder due to the stupid Yankees fans attempting to interfere.

Where Did They Go Wrong?

I often ask the question, how is it that from the same DNA came both Master Bates and me, so different in so many ways. But at least nothing as bad as this ever happened to us.
I guarantee one of these kids is going to grow up to become a bank robber and the other is going to cure cancer.

The kid on the right is a future criminal