Eye Pokes and Broken Bones

I went to a UFC fight and a medical drama broke out. In one of the strangest cards in history, two fights ended early due to accidental eye pokes, one ended early due to a grotesquely injured thumb, but thankfully the main even reached a natural conclusion despite a disgusting bloody broken toe.

But let's start at the beginning. Tickets for previous UFC events had been so expensive and so hard to come by that TON and I didn't even think of attending UFC 159 until the last minute. We got our tickets for $120 and we got DaveBern and off we went.

The Prudential Center is a pretty nice arena, with a good location for most Jerseyites, the only problem is parking. For me it was easy, I literally made one left turn, drove 20 miles, then made a right and was at the Rock. I parked in a lot right across the street, a steal at $20.

I tried again to get a table at Dinosaur BBQ which didn't work out so well last time. This time we still had to wait about an hour, but the Nets-Bulls 3OT game kept us entertained and it didn't seem that long until I got the text saying our table was ready, right as the third overtime was nearing conclusion. We were taken to a table in the back, but we complained so we were relocated to a table right near the TV, but too late, the game was already over.

The food of course was delicious



and we got to our seats in plenty of time to see the first fight.



There were two on the Facebook undercard, 4 on the FX undercard and 5 more on the main card. 11 fights, 5 1/2 hours, not bad when you compare it to a baseball or basketball game that lasts 2 1/2 to 3 hours. The first two fights were boring, the next two fights, including the women's match were pretty good, and that's when the craziness started.

A pretty boring fight between Ovince St. Preux and Gian Villante had one of the most controversial endings you'll ever see. OSP hit Villante with a thumb to the eye, an accidental foul that is quite common in MMA. The referee saw the poke and almost immediately called off the fight. In the arena we had no idea what happened (though I did guess correctly) and no idea how the fight would be decided. Because it was the third round, it went to the referees' scorecards. They all scored the 3rd round (all 33 seconds of it) 10-10, so OSP won the fight by winning the first two rounds on two of the judges' scorecards.

When I watched the fight back later on TV, you could clearly hear referee Kevin Mulhall ask Villante if he could see. He said "no" and Mulhall waved off the fight. Horrible refereeing. Of course he couldn't see, he'd just been poked in the eye. But vision can return quickly in those situations. Give him a minute, call in the doctor, don't just wave off the fight. Stupid incompetent referee. Even Villante was pleading with him to let the fight continue.



But that was just the beginning, the next fight ended in a similarly disappointing way. Rustam Khabilow was suplexing Yancy Medeiros all over the octagon. On one of the throws Medeiros put his hand down, and broke or dislocated his thumb.
Not as gruesome as it could have been. But bad enough so that Medeiros could not continue.



So that fight had to end early also, but Khabilow won due to TKO, which was unsatisfying, but at least fair, because the injury came out of something Khabilow was doing.

That marked the end of the free card and on to PPV we went. If you ever watch the live prelims you know Dana White and Joe Rogan scream at each other while the "Teenage Wasteland" plays and the crowd screams. What is the crowd reacting to? An awesome montage of the best fighters and moments in UFC plays on the jumbotron while Joe and Dana preview the upcoming card.

It was kind of a lull after that while Mike Goldberg and Rogan introduce the card. And they actually used "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston during that interval. Strange.

To keep the weirdness going, we had the first ever Bruce Buffer fuckup. In his normal overdramatic scream he announced the winner of the first fight, "Jiiiimmmmmmmmm Millllllllerrrrrrrrrrrr." Unfortunately, Pat Healy won, and Buffer quickly corrected himself.

Phil Davis and Vinny Magalhaes was a boring fight.

But then came what I think was the fight of the night. Roy Nelson vs. Cheick Kongo. This is what they looked like at the beginning of the fight (roughly)



And this is what they looked like at the end of the fight when Nelson KTFOed Kongo, pretty much with one punch.



You can't judge a book by its cover in MMA. If it were a body-building contest, Kongo would win. If it were an eating contest, Nelson would win. But it's a fight, and the worst physique in the UFC beat the best.

And yes, I understand all that, and it's all true. But if Roy Nelson dedicated himself to getting in better shape, losing 10 pounds of fat, he'd be a much better fighter. He'd have better endurance and he'd be quicker. He wouldn't be as funny but he might be a much more serious fighter.

Up next was Alan Belcher vs Michael Bisping. Another pretty boring fight. Belcher did absolutely nothing, so Bisping decided he only need to do a little more to win. He threw jabs, a couple of combinations but nothing too damaging. But then he accidentally poked Belcher in the eye. This time Herb Dean called the doctor in, who said Belcher could not continue because his eyelid was lacerated. Again, for the second time we went to technical decision. Bisping won easily.



And finally it was time for the main event.



Unfortunately it wasn't much of a fight. Jones dominated Sonnen, knocking him out in the first round in what wasn't even much of a fight.

The most exciting part took place afterwards when Joe Rogan noticed (because Bones hadn't) that Bones had broken his toe during the fight.



He had to do the postfight interview while sitting on a stool.

Luckily he got the first round KO and didn't have to either continue with a broken toe, or lose the fight because of it. A fourth medical stoppage would have ruined the night completely. But because Bones knocked out that loudmouth Chael Sonnen I got what I came to see, so the night was a success.

A TON of Luck

TON knows about a lot of things: raising fish, body hair maintenance, sheet rock, computers, porn, computer porn and even sports like volleyball and MMA. But he will even admit college basketball is not his game. He'd be lucky if he could distinguish Peyton Siva from Peyton Manning. But TON used his head to pick Louisville to win it all and his heart to pick Syracuse to make the Final Four and his 1220 points put him in the top 1.8% nationally and at the top of our group.
Honorable mention should be given to Damino who was the only one in our group with 3 Final Four teams, and also the only one to have the title game participants correct. He was in the top 2,000 overall heading into the final game and probably would have been in top 2 or 3 hundred had Michigan won. But they didn't. So TON got the 320 points, and beat Damino by 10. But the following is not a list of people who did really well but fell short. It's a list of winners, and TON's name will go on it. Next year maybe you can add your name.

2012: Reissberg
2011: Mrs. Poop
2010: Vacated (I forgot to keep accurate records)
2009: Mrs. Poop
2008: Pa Beers
2007: Michael

Samuel L. Jackson Comments on the Death of Usama Bin Laden and his Son

Reached late last night for comment on the deaths of Usama Bin Laden, his son and two of his brothers, here is what the great actor Samuel L. Jackson had to say:



When TON reads this post in about three weeks (once a month I get like 7 e-mails from comments from TON who is obviously busy and only reads sporadically) he's going to laugh hysterically. Very early during freshman year of college he set me up. I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were talking about "A Time to Kill." Everyone started hysterical laughing and I later learned it was because TON warned them if they mentioned that movie, I would come out with that line. Clever TON.

Wii Curling

I love Wii, I love curling so there is no doubt I would love to play Wii curling. But judging on the motion needed to be a sweeper in the game (as demonstrated by hosts of an Australian TV show) TON would school me at the game when he comes over to play.

New Year, New T-Shirts

The other day I clicked on the ad on this blog (possibly a violation of my Terms of Service agreement) and was led to an hilarious t-shirt store. It got me thinking about shirts that would be appropriate for several Poopheads to wear in 2010:

TON:


Courtney Friel:


Me:


Freedo:


Nails:


VW:


Master Bates:


Amber:


Mrs. Poop:


The Concierge:


Anonymous hot girlfriend wife of anonymous Poophead (look down if you think I'm talking about you)


Me:


Juice:


And a shirt so fantastic, so digusting and so offensive I couldn't even put its picture on this blog: click here if you dare.

Note: if you didn't get a t-shirt dedicated to you make it your New Year's resolution to have more personality in 2010.

Should TON Do Some Work?

I hate change.
But there comes a time when it becomes necessary to improve.
For instance, the blue and orange background you see now has been my layout since I started this blog nearly four years ago.
But as things change (this blog predates youtube), this layout may have outlived its usefulness.
Is it time for TON to choose a new layout that doesn't cut off widescreen youtube vidoes?

Advice for TON

It has come to my attention that TON is heading to Canada this weekend to do some skiing.
As a veteran of at least 20 road trips to Canada I thought I would offer some advice for a Canada novice.
This is what you do when you are going through customs:
1) Turn the radio off. Not when you pull up to the window, but as soon as you get in a lane
2) Do not talk. Once again, this policy takes affect 5 minutes before you approach the customs agent. Use this time to formulate your story.
3) Admit to nothing. You are not bringing booze, gifts, firearms, vegetables or exotic animals to the country.
4) Prepare your travel documents. Documentation for every passenger in the car should be given to the driver and readied to hand to the agent.
5) Play man or lady. And give the person who takes lady 2 to 1 odds.

Note: failure to take these steps may result in you getting pulled over for a random search of your vehicle. Ask JLeary and FatScat about this.

If This Were TON's Blog

If this were TON's blog, the title of the post about the hilarious "Jizz in My Pants" video would have been "JT Has the Same Effect on Me."
I watched the video several times and didn't notice that Gay-T was the convenience store janitor, until TON pointed it out.

TON's Archfoe on "Beer Money"

During freshman year of high school a kid named Ilan tried to singe TON's ass with a bunsen burner. 15 years later TON refuses to forgive and forget and Ilan still tops TON's Kill List. Now Ilan has appeared on "Beer Money" the SNY show that asks people off the street 3 questions for $10, $20 and $100. The show is becoming a great place to see assholes and retards from Wagner High School.

Here's how Ilan's appearance went (I'll leave spaces after questions for those of you playing along at home.

Sporting a full beard and carrying a messenger's bag Ilan was stopped by host Chris Carlin in Columbus Circle. Ilan introduces himself with first and last name says he's from "New York" and a big fan of the New York Giants.

First question:
What local sports team goes by the nickname "Big Blue?"






Ilan quickly answers "New York Giants". Carlin says that was "the easiest ten bucks ever. Ever!" Then asks Ilan if he wants to risk it. Ilan says "why not?" Carlin says he has to risk it after that easy question and we move on to the --

Second question:
Who did the New York Giants play in their last home playoff game?






Ilan thinks for a while then says "it's been a while, two years ago, NFC, the Eagles."
Carlin emphatically says that is "incorrect," takes the $10 back and calls him ee-LON instead of EE-lon. Then Carlin reminds him that it was the Carolina Panthers. That jogs Ilan's memory somewhat as he says "that's right they got blown out like 41-0 or something like that."
Note: the score was 23-0 and I was there.
Carlin says it wasn't quite that bad, but they did get blown out."
Ilan replies "It was bad, it was bad."
Then Carlin says something that will warm TON's heart, "You know what else was bad? Your performance. That was bad."

So a satisfying appearance for TON, maybe not for Ilan, but I do have to answer "no" to the question TON asked me when I told him Ilan was on the show, "does he get punched in the face at the end of the segment?"

It's Gonna Be a Thing

I'm sick of people using the overly played out "I just threw up in my mouth" line whenever something disgusting or unpleasant happens.
From now I will be saying "I just lost my erection" in those circumstances instead.
This new catchphrase was actually derived from something TON said when the man in the rabbit suit was blowing the old guy in "The Shining."
I encourage you all to jump on the bandwagon.

And if that phrase doesn't suit you, I'm also working on something else.
When your DVR is full and programs either need to be watched or erased in order for new programs to record, that predicament is called "DVR-mageddon."

It's gonna be a thing.

The Whole Crew

Two excellent pictures of the Staten Island crew taken at JLeary's wedding.

From left: Nails, The Poop, The Concierge, JLeary, TON, Focks, TallSkott, Reissberg




Photos courtesy of Special K

What's Up jusTON's Ass?

Normally jusTON is credited with being one of the most easy-going, laid-back, positive Poopheads there is. But if you track his comments recently you will notice they are increasingly negative and at times downright hostile:

On Caulking Gun:
"'Cork Sucking' is still better."

On comparing "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" to porn:
"That movie is regarded as fucking fantastic by everyone who 'gets it'."

On some of the best rounds of boxing in history:
"I'll take MMA any day of the week over boxing."

On a volleyball clip that I posted especially for him:
"I thought that video was kinda gay."

On comparing Rufus to Uno:
"That's like saying 'what's better, $1, or $100?' Rufus is busted."

Drunk TON

See more pictures from Ton and Special K's visit on Chase's blog.

TON and Special K's Wedding

TON and Special K are now Mr. and Mrs. TON.
It was a nice, quick ceremony full of the requisite retarded/uncomfortable faces by TON.
A kind old judge led them through the paces they hit all the high notes "sickness and health, for richer for poorer," "with this ring I thee wed," and "you may kiss the pride," so TON did and then they were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. TON.





Then we went inside for some drinks and hors d'oeuvres. The best one was a shrimp wrapped in bacon, but it was a little messy. JLeary had a piece of bacon hanging out of his mouth, I had to go in the corner to eat one, but they were delicious. And the first time they came around four of us got them from the waitress and I was the only one to offer it to my wife. Not sure I would have if she weren't pregnant, but she declined. She knows how much I love food wrapped in bacon.

A little while later it was time for the best man's speech. Now, because I know TON from high school, but we also went to college together, I knew pretty much everyone.

It was nice to see good old BC again, RoachSU made it in for the wedding and Briles (formerly known as the Commish) was the 5th person from our floor freshman year at the wedding. I also got to see VinJuiceTang again. And the best part of that was that in a conversation with Vin earlier in the week I said he was going to be mistaken by everyone as a relative of the bride. Then when I was talking to him, someone came up to him and asked "are you related to the bride?"

And another SU alum, who made the trip in from Denmark was the best man P-O'T. He seemed kind of nervous but he was really funny and encapsulated TON and Kelly pretty well. Basically they like do crazy shit like skydiving, ice climbing and getting eaten by animals in Africa together.




One of the cooler parts of the wedding was when the band took a brief intermission and when they came back it was TON's dad on the keyboard along with his band he's been playing with for 40 years. Between the four band members they have ten kids, 6 of them have gotten married, and they've played a few songs and each wedding. They started off with "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison, then went to "Gimme Some Lovin" by the Spencer Davis Group and finished with the all-time crowd pleaser, "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond.



TON even tried dancing, something he does reluctantly, and not very well.



But TON's cousins got the dancing genes in the family. When they band played "Play That Funky Music" two of them started getting down on the dance floor, ending with one of them taking off his shirt. Apparently this is a wedding tradition for him.



The second coolest thing at this wedding was one of those little photobooths where you cram in there and the flash goes off and you get a nice strip of 6 pictures of you and your wife/girlfriend making funny faces at each other.

In this case you took 6 photos cut the strip down the middle put three in album for TON & Special K and kept the other three for yourself. Mrs. Poop and I did this twice, we got some nice photos including one with the Concierge's hand behind me.

Focks, TallSkott and I tried to cram into the booth with varying degrees of success. When you have a head as bag as TallSkott's it takes up a lot of room.

But that paled in comparison to the fact that instead of wedding cake, the served cupcakes. They were so delicious I must have had about four...teen of them man.

At first I planned to have two, then RoachSU and I spotted a couple lonely ones, than TallSkott offered me one that was just sitting on our table, and then the Conciergette yelled at me. But they were freakin delicious.





Here's the crew from left to right: Brother of the Bride, TallSkott, Reissberg, TON (how did the groom get sent to the back of this picture?), The Concierge, JLeary, The Poop, Focks and VinJuiceTang.



And the ladies in our lives: Zorf, The Conciergette aka TallJulie, Mrs. TallSkott, MayMay, Special K (the bride), Mrs. Reissberg, Mrs. Poop, Mrs. Nails and Bauer's Mom aka Short Julie.

The Way Life Should Be

We're headed to Maine for our annual Poop Family Vacation.
We'll eat sandwiches (known as Italians) for lunch and lobster for dinner and we'll sit on the beach reading Harry Potter.
But I'll only have limited internet access.
So what does that mean for you Poopheads?
As always I've put the Poop in the capable hands of The Poop's design and IT consultant, TON.
I'll only be gone a week and it's not like TON has anything better to do this week.
I've left him with some posts that I've written in advance and given him free reign to write whatever he wants (I await his choice for Song of the Week).
I'll be back Saturday.
Enjoy!

R U 4Real?

A couple in New Zealand has been prevented from naming their son 4Real because names may not begin with numerals.
They say most names you have to look up in a book to know what it means, everyone knows what 4Real means.

This of course reminds me of this oft-told story: When jusTON was complaining that his parents were charging him $250 rent to live at home I told him about Ben Gay. jusTON said "I would gladly pay $250 a month to have my name not be Ben Gay."

jusTON's Wet Dream

Stacey Keibler teamed with Jessie Cooper at a recent beach volleyball event, but lost, 21-7, 21-11, to the duo of Montana Curtis and Juliana Evens.

Keibler, enjoyed a surge in the second game when she and Cooper fought back from a 17-4 deficit to 20-11, but their rally at match point fell short.

It was a new experience for Keibler, who last spent time on the volleyball court in gym class.

How's her form?

Focks Fest

A rousing game of Taboo broke out at Focks' house in celebration of blonde Julie's birthday. The highlights:

My clue: "The gayest movie ever."
The answer: "The Notebook." Shouted out immediately by jusTON who later had to explain to Special K that he really liked the movie and didn't think it was gay. He was simply guessing what I would think was a gay movie.

Mrs. Poop's clue: "she's on crack."
The answer: Whitney Houston, by five people simulataneously.

The Birthday Girl's clue: Your moms are going through this ---
The answer: Menopause, by all the women at once.

After getting only two points in his round, Juice retreated to the bedroom in a pit of despair. He later redeemed himself.

Victory over the vaginas by the testes.

Matt's hosting skills. TON ate like 34 chocolate covered strawberries.

After making fun of Focks, he discarded about 12 bottles of cologne.

The girl with the Scottheads.

Lost Viewers

TON and I have long hoped that "Lost" ratings would plummet so that they would cancel the show and have one final episode explaining everything. Because the show got so popular the writers thought they would need ideas for as many as 7 seasons. Therefore a whole bunch of new characters and storylines were introduced. And they all sucked. The show has been terrible this season especially since returning from a 3 month hiatus. Well the ratings are plummeting and hopefully next season will be the last. Imagine the uproar if they cancel it after this season with thousands of questions still unanswered.


"Lost" crashed in the ratings this week, hitting an all-time low for a new episode.
It drew an estimated 12.8 million viewers Wednesday, according to preliminary figures from Nielsen. That's well off the peak of more than 20 million.
ABC tried to protect the show by moving it to 10 p.m. EST Wednesday this year to steer clear of "American Idol" and "Criminal Minds."
After "Lost" fans complained about reruns interrupting the show's serial flow last season, the network tried an experiment: It split the current season in two, airing six episodes before an extended break and then resuming with 16 additional episodes.
The show's Feb. 7 return was heavily promoted and drew nearly 14.5 million viewers. But the bounce didn't last, with the show slumping this week.
Although protected from top-rated "American Idol" in its new time 10 p.m. time slot, "Lost" now has the disadvantage of trying to draw viewers at an hour when fewer people are watching television. This Wednesday, Valentine's Day put a 7 percent dent in overall TV viewership.
In the show's defense, ABC noted that it beat the competition among the advertiser-favored young adult crowd, drawing 7.3 million viewers age 18 to 49 compared to the 5.8 million that tuned in to CBS' "CSI: New York."
"Lost" also handed ABC nearly 4 million more viewers in the time slot compared to last year, when short-lived drama "Invasion" aired.
But there's no question that "Lost," once riding big ratings, buzz and cachet, has lost significant ground.
Some fans and critics complain that the story has gotten confusing and unsatisfying. The show, named best drama at the 2005 Emmy Awards, was shut out at the 2006 ceremony.

What Would TON Do?

Arizona freshman Chase Budinger chose basketball over volleyball even though he had the potential to make the U.S. volleyball team for the 2008 Games in Beijing.

"What would you do if you were Chase Budinger, two-sport schoolboy folk hero? Would you pursue your unlimited potential in volleyball, nurture the talent that could earn you an Olympic gold medal, fulfill the promise that Mike Rangel, the longtime coach and trainer for Karch Kiraly -- the sport's Michael Jordan -- casts in historic terms? "As a high school senior, Chase was head and shoulders better than anybody we've ever seen at his age in the game of volleyball," says Rangel. "He's the closest thing we've seen to Karch Kiraly in 30 years."

Or would you follow the white-haired basketball sage, forsake college volleyball and cast your lot with Arizona coach Lute Olson, who started watching you during your freshman year of high school and predicted to his staff, audaciously and accurately, that you would become the finest player from San Diego since Bill Walton? After all, the sport's Michael Jordan -- Jordan himself -- raved to Olson about the 6'7" redhead with the 42-inch vertical leap ("Man, I love that kid") after guarding Budinger at his Flight School camp last summer.

Basketball or volleyball? The sport in which Budinger was named the co-MVP of the McDonald's High School All-American Game last March, joining the select company of Kevin Garnett, LeBron James and Dwight Howard? Or the one in which he admits he has more skill? Budinger's decision was crystal clear at the start of McKale Madness, the annual fanfest that kicked off hoops practice at Arizona on Oct. 13. While his teammates danced and shimmied onto the floor as their names were announced, Budinger sauntered out wearing sunglasses, with a beach towel draped over his shoulders. Then he symbolically chucked a volleyball into the crowd. Guess I won't be needing that for a while."

"It was such a tough decision," says Budinger (pronounced BUD-ing-grr, with a hard G in the last syllable). "I love both sports, but basketball has always been my passion. If I had to choose between a volleyball game and a basketball game on the same night, I'd always choose basketball. Focusing on basketball was something I'd never done before, and I really wanted to try it." In the near term, volleyball fans hoping to check out Budinger's skills will have to settle for grainy YouTube clips and familiar moves transferred to another sport. As his father, Duncan Sr., points out, "You'll see him go up for a dunk, a block or a rebound with a quick jump -- boom, one-and-a-half steps, up! -- and recognize that it's a volleyball approach." Not that volleyball is entirely out of the picture. Budinger is still holding out the possibility of making the U.S. Olympic team, either in 2008 or further down the road. (Olson says he'd have no problem with his young star playing in the Beijing Games.)