Saturday, December 29, 2007

Your Name Here

When I started this blog more than two years ago I never imagined it would grow into the cultural force it has become. I also underestimated how popular this blog would be with Google Searchers.

At beginning, I used a lot of people's real names when talking about them on this blog. When I started getting e-mails from people looking to track down someone I decided to go with nicknames instead of real names for Poopheads. And in most cases I retroactively searched the Poop and made the adjustments.

In one case I did not.

Two years ago on this day I wished Reissberg a happy birthday. He turns 29 today, by the way.

In that post instead of "Reissberg's dad" I used his real name. Almost two years later an old friend of Reissberg's dad googled him and came across the Poop. When he contacted him he asked why when his son was born did he say to the doctor "give me my baby, asshole?"

This made an awkward moment for Reissberg who was confronted by his parents. He eventually explained how we "exaggerated" his father's rudeness and how we end every sentence said by Reissberg's dad with an "asshole," including the Concierge's "I'm enjoying my danish, asshole" at the brunch the morning after Reissberg's wedding.

Anyway, Reissberg's dad laughed off the whole incident but will definitely call me an asshole next time I see him.


In the wonderful film "Pulp Fiction" presumably set in 1993 or thereabouts, Vincent Vega, ably played by John Travolta, questions the waiter about the milkshake he deems to be overpriced.
Milk and ice cream? You don't put bourbon in it or anything?

Mrs. Poop and I went to Red Robin (Chase sleeps like a rock in that place for some reason and Mrs. Poop loves the Santa Fe burger) and Mrs. Poop ordered a milkshake. When I got the bill I saw that the milkshake cost $4.79. I assume it was just milk and ice cream, no bourbon, yet we weren't even outraged by its price.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Quickly Learning the Tricks of the Trade

Mike Conley Sr. hasn't been an agent for very long, but it seems he is already behaving like a seasoned pro.
Conley the former Olympic athlete had two clients (his only two clients) taken in the first 5 picks of last season's NBA Draft. His son Mike and Mike's best friend, Greg Oden.
Now it is being reported that Conley wanted a top 5 NFL pick as well, and was courting Arkansas running back Darren McFadden.
Arkansas officials are investigating reports that Conley bought McFadden a new Cadillac Escalade.
This may turn out to be false as the station that reported the story has since retracted it.
But the fact remains the somehow McFadden got a new Escalade a few months before the draft.
Whether it was given to him by Conley or someone else it could cost McFadden the last game of his career, the Cotton Bowl against Missouri.

Jim Leyritz Kills a Woman

Former Yankees catcher Jim Leyritz was arrested in Florida and charged with DUI manslaughter.
While I would hate to rush to judgment and prematurely convict someone of a heinous crime I want to point out the following pieces of evidence we do have.
Leyritz crashed his car a 2006 Ford Expedition into a 2000 Mitsubishi Montero.
The woman driving the Montero died. She was ejected from the car (a possible indication that she was not wearing a seat belt at the time).
The crash occurred at about 3 am on Friday morning.
Witnesses say Leyritz ran a red light.
Police say Leyritz had red, watery eyes, a flushed face and an odor of alcohol.
Leyritz was asked to sumbit to a blood test and refused.
The blood was later taken anyway.
Fredia Veitch was on her way home from her job at a steakhouse. She was the mother of 2 kids. And now she is dead.

This is why driving drunk is one of the most irresponsible and reprehensible crimes a person can commit.
If you wish to engage in reckless behavior at your own expense, that's your choice.
But too often in these cases the innocent person gets killed and the drunk driver survives.
Let's hope future evidence proves Leyritz innocent of DUI.

Fire Isiah

Any Knicks fan who is suffering through this horrible season can think of only one thing, "when will Dolan fire Isiah?"

Unfortunately, the answer is probably never. The answer often given is that Isiah just last year signed a contract extension, but really that has nothing to do with it. Dolan is just stubborn and doesn't care enough about the success or failure of the team to admit he was wrong.

The Knicks actually have a great way to fire Isiah and void his contract. All they have to do is say that he was a sexual harrasser who made the Garden's female employees uncomfortable.

They can also say that they were waiting to settle the lawsuit before firing him because they didn't want his firing to be an admission of guilt on their part.

But I have an idea that doesn't involve firing Isiah. Let him work the rest of this season and next season, but don't allow him to acquire any new players (with expensive longterm contracts). Make him suffer with this team. Then you can work on getting rid of Marbury (which is already close to happening), Crawford, Curry and Richardson as well as Jefferies and James. Then after next season fire Isiah, bring in a real GM and build a team around Randolph, Lee, Balkman and whomever you pick in the next two drafts.

There is no other way to fix the Knicks current problems because firing Isiah right now would mean hiring a GM and coach who would be hamstrung by Isiah's mistakes for the next two years. How could the Knicks get someone of quality to come in and lose 50 games for two seasons? They should make Isiah take his medicine and hire a real coach and GM at a time when the new person can actually make meaningful progress towards building a championship team.

The Poop's Person of the Year Nominations

Welcome to the First Annual Nomination meeting for The Poop's Person of the Year Award.

Who would like to make the first nomination?

Time Magazine: "The editors of Time Magazine nominate Michael Vick. Through our many years in this field we have found that incredibly stupid selections or the selection of a horrible deplorable person is the best way to gain attention."

SCZA Nation: "Since the rules prohibit me from nominating myself, even though I am very worthy, I will have to nominate Keith Hernandez for his varied, nuanced and hysterical performance as Mets broadcaster this year."

The Pride & The Pageantry: I nominate Les Miles and his gigantic onions for making this a great college football season by going for it on every 4th down even when it could have cost his team the game. Also, he made an impassioned pregame speech to the media and his team before the SEC Championship game that he would not be leaving LSU for Michigan. And he actually meant it. If you don't like Les Miles because his name is gramatically incorrect then I would like to nominate these two Arizona State fans."

Sports Illustrated: "The editors of Sports Illustrated would like to nominate Sean Taylor. We have found that the sentimental favorite always works."

Razor: "I would like to nominate Neil Patrick Harris aka NPH aka Barney Stinson aka Doogie. If there is one issue the Poop has covered in detail this year, an issue that supersedes all racial and gender boundaries (I never read the posts about sports or chicks with big boobs), it is the unifying greatness of "How I Met Your Mother." The Poop has been a driving force in expanding the show's audience and the show owes all its success to the stellar acting of NPH."

Random 9-year-old girl: "I would like to like nominate Miley Cyrus. And Hannah Montana. Like, Miley Cyrus is Hannah Montana. Like on her show she plays Miley Cyrus, even though she already is Miley Cyrus and she plays Hannah Montana. And omg what makes it like sooooo funny is that like in her real life she's also Miley Cyrus playing Hannah Montana. And in her concerts, if you can get tickets. Cuz like when she came to my town nobody could get tickets but my friend Ashley her dad like works for someone who got us tickets and at first she asked this girl Britney to go with her but then Britney like tried to steal Ashley's boyfriend so they weren't friends anymore even though they used to be like BFF. But now Ashley and I are BFF and her dad took me to the concert and it was like sooooooooo awesome. She started off as Hannah Montana then came out again as Miley Cyrus and sang all Miley songs. I love that one called "Can't Wait To See You Again." Because one time I was talking to this cute boy and I was like so nervous that I started stuttering, just like in the song. And then he asked what was wrong with me and my friend Ashley said "oh she's just being Miley." But my name isn't even Miley. But it was like so funny. Anyway, I think Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana should be your persons of the year because they are like so awesome."

The Poop: "Thank you all for your nominations. All candidates will be considered very carefully and we will have a decision very shortly."

Note: The comments made by the people indicated here are not actual comments made by the pepole indicated here, even though they sure sound like it.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Funny or Douchey?

Chet Finch of Ashland, Oregon sent out Christmas cards to 34 friends this year, like he always does. This year there was a twist however. Chet died in October and the cards had a return address of "heaven." A little presumptuous I think, but that's not really the point.
Anyway, inside Chet wrote a note about God giving him permission to send the cards, and that he'd be seeing some of them soon.
Chet had enlisted a friend to send out the cards whenever he died. Over the years he had to keep giving her more money as stamp prices went up and update his address list.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Song of the Week

"When You Were Young" - The Killers
My favorite song from Guitar Hero III
Plus it reminds Mrs. Poop of me because I don't look a thing like Jesus (except when I have the really good beard going) and I talk just like a gentleman.

Warning: This video starts with about a minute of stupidity before the song starts

Record label link

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A New Twist on the Kiss Cam

Stephanie Simpson wanted to spice up the timeout entertainment at a recent Memphis Grizzlies game at FedEx Forum. When she saw herself on the Jumbotron during a pan of the crowd she did what any woman starved for a male attention in a male dominated environment would do, she showed her tits!
The 10,000 people in attendance saw Simpson's cans (she lifted shirt and bra), which means another 8,000 - 10,000 ticket holders missed the most exciting Grizzlies game in years.
And she actually got arrested for this.
Of course the local news went nuts over this.

Christmas Spirit Does in Wallet Thief

Police in Lewiston, Idaho were trying to find a man who had taken a woman's wallet after she left it behind in a convenience store.
All they had to go on was surveillance footage of the man.
Lewiston, Idaho must be a small town because this story ran on the front page of the paper.
Right above that story (and the picture from the surveillance video) was a picture of a man painting Christmas decorations on a storefront. The caption identified him as Michael Millhouse.
And the picture looked a lot like the one of the guy who stole the wallet a little further down the front page.
The newspaper worker who noticed it called the cops, who went to visit Michael Millhouse, who confessed to stealing the wallet.
Mystery solved.

don't commit a crime when you know your picture is going to be in the paper

No Wonder They Were 4-8 This Year

Three North Carolina Tar Heels football players (names withheld) were sexually assaulted by two women. You may ask how can this happen, I'll tell you how.

The players were out drinking and they met these two women, Tnika Washington and Monique Taylor and their male friend, Michael Lewis. All six of them went back to the players' apartment. The victims say they were getting a ride, Lewis says the players wanted to pay for kinky sex.

Tnika Washington

One player passed out drunk, the other two started fucking these women. At some point the players say they wanted to stop having sex, and the women then tied them up, beat them and fondled them. I think the plan was for the women to tie them up and fuck them, while Lewis stole their shit.

One of the players was able to call police and by the time the cops arrived Lewis had take their wallets and some entertainment equipment, and two of the players were in their boxer shorts with their hands tied.

I think the most embarrassing part of this story for the football players is the pictures of the two women.

The NFL is Poop - Week 16

The Team No One Wants To Face
Forget the Pittsburgh Steelers, they're old news. The new most dangerous team in the playoffs is the Jacksonville Jaguars. They went on the road and beat the Steelers in the snow, then dominated the Raiders at home. They have all the elements you are supposed to need to win in the playoffs, in the cold weather, even though they are a Florida team. They have a great running game, a stout defensive line that can stop the run and a quarterback who doesn't make mistakes. David Garrard has 18 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions this year. Interesting Garrard stat: If you think about his season you'd probably say his performance against the Steelers was his best of the year. But according to passer ratings (excluding the Colts game in which he got hurt), the win over the Steelers was his worst game of the season. He completed only 17 of 33 passes for 197 yards and threw an interception. But even though he had 3 TDs it was his lowest passer rating of the season. That may say more about the ridiculousness of passer ratings, but I thought it was a cool stat.
I think the Jags will be a tough first round opponent for the Steelers or Chargers and maybe they could win that game, but I don't seem them beating the Patriots in the divisional round, which they'd have to do unless the 6 seed won on wild card weekend also.

Maybe the Strongest Sign of Domination Yet
Turnovers: Patriots 4 Dolphins 0
Score: Patriots 28 Dolphins 7
I'd venture to guess that this was the largest margin of victory in NFL history by a team that was minus 4 in turnovers .
The Patriots should have covered the spread but Belichick went for it on a 4th and 8 late in the game instead of kicking.
If the Patriots have a weakness everyone says it is their running game. Lawrence Maroney had runs of 51 and 59 yards in this game, the two longest runs of his career.
The Patriots had exactly 400 total yards in this game, 204 passing and 196 rushing.

Something Else May Ruin Romo
Turns out the weak effort by Panthers fans to distract Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson masks didn't work. Romo didn't play great, but the Cowboys did win the game. But of even graver concern for Romo is the fact that T.O. has a high ankle sprain. He definitely won't play against the Redskins this week (yay!) but he'll probably be back after the bye week for the first Cowboys' playoff game. And for the next three weeks we will hear what a tough guy he is because he plays with injuries. To which I will say (quoting Harry Doyle on Jack Parkman) "he's still a dick."

Game of the Week
Arizona Cardinals 30 Atlanta Falcons 27
Two teams who were out of it put on the best show of the week. How does Kurt Warner do it? 36 for 53, 361 yards, 3 touchdowns and no interceptions. And his counterpart Chris Redman didn't do too poorly either, 315 yards and 2 TDs. Each of them latched onto a wide receiver, Anquan Boldin caught 13 passes for 162 and Roddy White had 12 for 141. The Falcons had the ball 3 times in the 4th quarter. They held it for more than 10 minutes and scored all 3 times, putting up 13 points and turning a 24-14 deficit into a 27-24 lead. But they kicked a field goal with 1:38 left and never got the ball back. Kurt Warner led the Cardinals on two long drives for two field goals, and the win.

Game of Next Week
New England Patriots at New York Giants
Two other games (Dallas at Washington and Tennessee at Indianapolis) have major playoff implications but both those games features great teams that have nothing to play for. History will be on the line when the Giants play the Patriots. The Giants have nothing to play for and I don't think they should use their best players for any significant amount of time. But the Patriots should go all out after perfection. Every year a team wins a Super Bowl but it takes much longer than that to find an undefeated team. And the crowd at Giants Stadium could be very pro-Patriots as Giants fans may take it easy and dump their tickets on excited New Englanders.

Cheerleader of the Week
Mandy of the ROAR of the Jaguars
The Jags don't want us to know very much about their ladies. But Mandy was a nursing student now she is in grad school studying nuclear medicine.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Win or go home. The Redskins showed me something against the Vikings shutting down the league's best running game and putting the game in the incapable hands of Tarvaris Jackson. I love the way Todd Collins is playing. I know he is not the quarterback of the future but as the quarterback of right now he is making every play that needs to be made. Watch how cool he is as the pressure bears down on him and he dumps off screen passes to Portis and Sellers. Watch how adeptly he runs the playaction fake, and see his beautifully thrown balls to Santana Moss who had been invisible until Collins came around. And someone woke up Joe Gibbs. Brilliant game saving challenge on the 12 men on the field rule, although I'm sure he had help from above, but he didn't hesitate to fire that thing. Childress should have challenged the Moss catch that preceded the fumble that preceded the 12 men on the field penalty, but he who hesitates is lost. I'd love to see the Redskins pound the Cowboys' second stringers and I'd take my chances in Seattle for a playoff game for the second time in 3 years.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England Patriots 28 Dallas Cowboys 14
We're on a collision course for a rematch. I'd love to see the Patriots have to beat the Jaguars, the Colts and the Chargers but they'll only have to face two of tose teams, so the Cowboys loom as the last stop on the way to history, assuming they get by the first two roadblocks.

Monday, December 24, 2007

A Day Without Sunshine

Mrs. Poop told me a couple days ago that we needed to pick up a couple things (diapers) so we had to go to Target while we were in Connecticut. We figured Christmas Eve would be a good time to go. Unfortunately, some of her friends who live here said they never remember seeing a snack bar at that Target. So I was managing my expectations, not getting my hopes up that I would taste the golden deliciousness of Target Popcorn.
But this morning after I texted Josh that I was eating stew for breakfast, he told me he was going to have Target Popcorn for breakfast.
When we got to Target, I saw that they did have a snack bar, and a popcorn maker, but it was conspicuously empty. I waited on line behind three retards from the group home and was shocked when the lady told me they ran out of popcorn kernels. Whoever heard of such a thing?
Popcorn kernels are not a perishable item. They should never run out because they should order huge quantities and reorder when supply gets low. Poor management.
Even more annoying is that the clerks in New Jersey are rude and curt but the line moves quickly. But in Connecticut everyone knows each other and the clerks are so nice it took 5 minutes for her to tell me that they didn't even have any popcorn.
I was so furious.
Target in Torrington, Connecticut sucks.
Stock enough popcorn next time assholes.