Saturday, October 18, 2008

Good Thing the Heisman is Not a Personality Contest

Texas Tech quarterback Graham Harrell makes his pitch for the Heisman by trying to take credit for the accomplishments of my favorite college football player, Michael Crabtree.

Did Marcus Washington Pantomime Masturbation?

It sure looks like the Redskins linebacker is jerking off during this celebration after a simple tackle of Stephen Jackson. But he may have been pretending to ride a horse. You decide.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Bigots Guide to the Financial Crisis

How Blacks, Gays and Jews are responsible for the Mortgage Meltdown That Led to the Current Global Economic Crisis

The Blacks
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were sponsored by the government because their main purpose was to back loans to low-income, minority home owners. They didn't actually make the loans, but they bought them from those mortgage companies that did. In 1999, the Clinton Administration pressured Fannie and Freddie to loosen their standards and buy more loans made to black people. This seems like a good idea, because home ownership is the best way to build wealth, which if done on a large scale can be a great way to lift up an impoverished people, in this case the measure was targeted directly to black people. Making this seem like an even more essential thing for the government to do, various studies showed white families had a much easier time getting loans (and for better terms) than black people of similar creditworthiness.
But as the government was pressuring Fannie Mae to be more liberal in its lending practices, something else was happening. The housing market was going crazy. Everyone wanted to be a mortgage lender, money was easy to get. And subprime mortgages were great too. With so many traditional lenders willing to offer subprime mortgages to borrowers with bad credit, Fannie Mae was forced to lend even further down the creditworthiness scale.
But when the housing market started to slow, the economy started to weaken, and inflation soared, mostly due to gas prices, that's when the foreclosures started. And that's when these policies to give more homes to black people started to backfire.

The Gays
Barney Frank, the openly gay Congressman from Massachusetts, was in a relationship with Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses, until 1998. Frank's personal life is his own business, but at the time he was serving on the House Banking Committee which was charged with overseeing Fannie. Moses was involved in pushing for deregulation, and coincidentally, so was Frank. Now that doesn't mean that Frank held up any legislation that would have stopped this whole mess, but it does mean he had an obvious conflict of interest. I sincerely doubt that the relationship would have been ignored if it were a straight Congressman's wife working for Fannie. But no one wanted to seem politically incorrect by raising the issue about two gay men.

The Jews
Many of these same banks, brokerages and mortgage lenders which are failing now where making millions, even billions, and handing out huge bonuses just a couple years ago. And we all know the banks are run by the Jews. So how did they make all this money? In a lot of cases it came from offering people mortgages they couldn't afford and shouldn't have been given. This ranged from simply giving people $50,000 more than they normally would have been able to borrow (thereby increasing their credit risk and thusly their interest rate) or approving people who never should have been approved in the first place (once again, subprime loans make more money for the banks, if they are paid off) or misleading borrowers about the terms of their loans (many claim not to have understood their eventual rate adjustment) or offering irresponsible (no money down, zero interest loans) or downright dishonest (the option ARM) mortgage products. While I'm big on personal responsibilty (ultimately it's up to the borrower to make sure he isn't get bilked, misled or overextended) but that doesn't excuse the dishonesty of telling someone they can afford a home they really can't.

Note: What you just read contains a lot of truth. The way it is being presented is purposely skewed to put the blame on the blacks, gays and Jews. Don't get offended. It's just an interesting, unusual way to tell the story. But I hope it helped you understand the mortgage crisis a little better.

This is the Remix

Justin Timberlake remixes his most famous and best song for a get out the vote ad.

I still can't believe that douche is banging Jessica Biel.

His Head on a Platter

A Mr. Met impostor (the one they use on Conan) attended the Presidential Debate at Hofstra University this week. Cameras for Fox News Channel caught him losing his head.

The Worst Kind of Fan in the World

As a true sports fan who lives and dies with his teams (mostly dies), I've always felt my karmic retribution will come when one of my teams finally wins.
Because of all the suffering I've gone through I know I'll appreciate a victory much more than the casual fan who never watches the games and doesn't know the players.
Or the johnny-come-lately who changes his teams when he changes his address -- or underwear.
And that's why I never let those fairweather fans bother me too much.
But there is one type of fan I just cannot tolerate. The annoying woman in your office who happens to be from the same city as a good team.
She thinks this makes her an authority on the team even though she doesn't know the name of the single player except the one who she thinks has a nice ass or whose dick her girlfriend sucked.
And even worse, usually the day after claiming to be "such a huge fan" this bitch didn't watch and doesn't even know the score of the previous night's game.
The stupid bitch from the same city as a good team is the worst kind of fan in the world.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fired for Fucking at Work

Two former loss prevention investigators are suing Neiman Marcus after they were fired for fucking each other at work, in the loss prevention office.

Veronica Miranda and Steven Chalem were caught fucking twice by a hidden camera.

They claim their terminations were supposed to be kept confidential but now say the story and the tape was shared on an online database for security personnel.

They say this has prevented them from being able to get any other jobs in the industry.

The lawsuit asserts violations of the state eavesdropping and personnel statues, breach of contract, infliction of emotional distress and other claims.

Clearly this is a case of you get what you deserve. There is no excuse for having sex at work, but if you have to do it, and you get caught, you really can't complain how you were caught and that you were fired.

OK, I can grant that sharing the video might have gone too far but when you do something so stupid, you really have no basis for complaint.

So Does This Mean He Won't Be in the Mets Bullpen Next Season?

Mets relief pitcher and complete bust Ambiorix Burgos will spend the next three months in a Dominican jail. He is accused of running over and killing two women, after one of them would not go out with him.
He admits to being in the car that killed the two women but says he was in the back and his cousin was driving.
This jail term could cause him to miss a court date in New York next week. In that case he's accused of shoving his girlfriend to the ground.
But despite all that if he can throw a 97 mph fastball and not give up so many damn home runs, Mets fans would welcome him back with open arms.

why is this idiot wearing a White Sox hat?  We pay his salary, shouldn't he at least be escorted to prison in a Mets hat?

Why is Mrs. Carder Marrying a Lady?

A group of first graders at a school in San Francisco took a trip to City Hall to watch their teacher get married.
First of all, I think it's kind of strange for students to be at any teacher's wedding but in this case Erin Carder married a woman, Kerri McCoy.
Now I am not against gay marriage and I'm not against teaching kids about the gay lifestyle, so if all the parents of all the kids approved, then that's fine.
But there are a couple things here that make me a little uncomfortable with this circumstance.
I think a lot of people wouldn't mind if people were gay in their own personal lives, but there is a perception gay people are more open with their sexuality than heterosexuals. The word "flamboyant" comes to mind. And some even feel some gay people try to shove homosexuality down everyone else's throats.
Since I can't imagine a straight teacher having 18 kids at her wedding (even one at City Hall), this seems like a bit much to me.
Also, this was an official school field trip, that's totally wrong.
And more fodder for those who think a gay agenda is being pushed on our kids.

Which is Gayer?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dispelling Those Awful, Hurtful Rumors

Kim Kardashian hates those awful rumors that she got breast implants so she's pulling out the big guns.

Kim Kardashian had huge boobies even when she was 14

She posted this picture on her website, saying it is from when she was 14, clear proof she was blessed with those giant funbags, she didn't buy them.
But I think she could have prevented all these rumors if when she made her debut on the national stage in her sex tape, she'd have taken off her bra. Who sucks and fucks with a bra on? Only women with something to hide. So if she isn't hiding plastic surgery scars than what is it?

Hard-Hitting Report By Craig Sager

A very important report on the gum-chewing habits of Terry Francona.

That Didn't Come Out Right

Matt Stairs was very pleased with the celebration following his huge 2-run homer to beat the Dodgers.

"When you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling." - Matt Stairs

Song of the Week

"Always and Forever" - Heatwave
An awesome 70s soul jam complete with this great video.
Listen to it with someone you love.

The NFL is Poop - Week 6

A week of crazy, exciting games with tight finishes and great endings, but unfortunately many of them were marred by poor officiating.

Cleveland Browns 35 New York Giants 14
Not a crazy finish, but that just makes it even more remarkable. The Giants just got completely dominated on defense. The Giants actually ran the ball down Cleveland's throats, but Eli was picked off 3 times including once for the touchdown that sealed the game. Derek Anderson made a couple long connections with Braylon Edwards and the Browns overcame their own penalties to dominate the world champs.

Bad sign for Giants fans, the return of the Eli Manning Face

Atlanta Falcons 22 Chicago Bears 20
The Bears did so many things wrong in this game they almost deserved to lose it. First they blew two shots at the end zone from the 1 yard line. But they overcame that and took a 20-19 lead with 11 seconds left. That's when the trouble started. Lovie Smith elected to squib kick, a move I vehemently disagree with. You can't be scared, you have to trust your coverage team. And even if they do a horrible job, and allow a 50-yard return, that will use up most or all of the remaining time. A horrible decision. But even after that they still should have won. But the squib kick was too short allowing the Falcons to return it to the 44 with enough time to get a play off. And that play was a 26 yard completion to Michael Jenkins, and he got out of bounds. How does that happen? Give him the inside, let him catch it, just don't let him have the sideline, horrible play. And that's why the Bears lost, poor decision making, and poor execution.

A perfectly excuted 5 second catch and get out of bounds by Matt Ryan to Michael Jenkins helped set up the game-winning field goal

Houston Texans 29 Miami Dolphins 28
Pity the poor Dolphins. They got 4 turnovers and a couple perfectly executed trick plays and still couldn't win this one. And when they thought they had it won, forcing the Texans into a 4th down and goal with 7 seconds left, Matt Schaub snuck it in for the winning score.

a gutsy 4th down QB sneak gave the Texans the win over the Dolphins

Minnesota Vikings 12 Detroit Lions 10
A win is a win but the Vikings have nothing to be proud of here. If not for a horrible pass interference call, they would have lost this game. The Vikings tried to give this game away but the Lions were too inept to take it.
And unfortunately the margin of victory ended up being an incredibly foolish play by Lions QB Dan Orlovsky. Taking the snap from the 1-yard line Orlovsky took his drop -- right out of the back of the end zone. It was an absent-minded move, like when I leave the lights in my car on. Sure I know the lights are on, but I'm thinking 2 steps ahead and forgetting where I am. I know Orlovsky knew where he was on the field, but he was thinking about his progressions, the safety cheating up, that big scary Jared Allen, and the back of the end zone left his mind, and he left the back of the end zone.

Poor Dan Orlovsky

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
How did the Redskins lose this game? Turnovers. Turnovers and an idiotic play by Pete Kendall. They hadn't turned the ball over on offense all season and they let the worst team in the league stay in the game by fumbling three times. But Kendall's was the worst. He caught a tipped pass and tried to run with it. Fall on the ground! That turned a likely 10-3 Redskins lead into a 10-7 Rams lead. But they still should have been able to overcome it. They moved the ball pretty well, but always did something to sabatoge the drive, fumble, sack, something. And they seemed to deviate from the aggressive play-calling to go back to running on first and second down. But the Rams are so bad none of this should have mattered. They should have blown them out at home. But at the very least they should have escaped with a 1-point victory. How do you allow a 43-yard pass on 3rd and 13? Terrible.

Game of the Week
Arizona Cardinals 30 Dallas Cowboys 24

One of the craziest games ever as the Cardinals scored on the first and last play, to win it, despite being fucked over by their coach. Ken Whisenhunt went for a foolish onsides kick which didn't end up hurting them but he did that foolish timeout-right-before-a-field-goal move, and it killed them. The Cardinals had blocked the game-tying field goal, but their idiot coach gave Nick Folk another chance, and he made it to force overtime. After Dallas won the coin toss those people who love to talk about momentum must have thought the Cowboys would win for sure. But there is no momentum or any other magical force that effects what happens next. Players make plays and the Cardinals blocked the punt to win the game. The first time an overtime game ended on a blocked punt returned for a touchdown.

The Cardinals shock the Cowboys with a blocked punt in overtime

One awesome play in this game by one of my favorite players in the NFL. On the first play of the 4th quarter Kurt Warner chucked the ball up, as he often does, and Larry Fitzgerald, from a dead stop, out jumped two defenders and hauled the ball in. And that's why Kurt Warner is still playing, and still putting up numbers, because Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so good.

Larry Fitzgerald makes an awesome leaping catch

Game of Next Week
New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers

While everyone is talking about the NFC East, the division's disastrous 3-loss week put it pretty much on even footing with the NFC South. The Falcons and Bucs are also 4-2 so if the Saints lose this they risk falling 2 games behind the rest of the field. Neither team plays consistently from week-to-week so it's hard to know what to expect.

Cheerleader of the Week
Danielle of the Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders
I like her because her degree is in broadcast journalism. Also she's part-Irish and I'm sort of part Irish by marriage. She likes seafood and Hawaii and "The Scorpion King." Really?

Arizona Cardinals Cheerleader, Danielle

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
New York Giants 21 Tennessee Titans 20

Even though the Giants got embarrassed on Monday night they still earn this spot by being the best team in the NFC. I'm disappointed because I could have made a case for the Redskins had they not blown it against the Rams. The Titans had the week off and remain the last undefeated team in the NFL.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Chef Paul Cooks Buffalo Wings

This winter I'm planning to make one new dish or meal every week, usually Fridays when I have the most time. The first I tried was Buffalo Chicken wings.

The wings were a challenge, because for some reason kosher chicken wings tend to have a lot of feathers, so they were a little hard to clean. Also, frying them would be a little too difficult, so we coated them in flour and baked them.

The sauce was a lot more fun to make. I started with several ounces of Frank's Hot Sauce then added some other ingredients including cayenne pepper and tabasco. At first, it didn't look that great but as it simmered in the pot and the margarine melted, it began to look and smell like real restaurant quality hot sauce.

And it tasted like it too. It wasn't particularly hot (I commented that it wouldn't have been hot enough for PPD, Mrs. Poop said she still wasn't going to rub her eyes) but that's the way we like it. It would be fairly easy to make the sauce hotter by adding more of certain ingredients.

I give our sauce an A.
Our wings a B.
The experience definitely got an A as well, because Mrs. Poop was so happy with me.
But maybe next time I will get chicken cutlets and try to make Buffalo Chicken tenders.

Barack Obama Likes Pie

Barack Obama at a campaign stop in Philadelphia talking about how much he loves pie. Listen how many times he says pie without ever reference poontang pie.

That was 15 mention in about 90 seconds. So Obama really likes pie, more than Mike Francesa likes Brandon Inge. But not as much as Allen Iverson hates practice.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Stuffing My Face

When Mrs. Poop was growing up in a small town in Northwestern Connecticut, the highlight of her year was always the Harwinton Fair. It has the requisite rides, games and animals, and of course food.
So when she suggested we all go this year, the first thing I did was look to see what kinds of food they'd have. When I saw fried oreos, I decided to go.
But Mrs. Poop said I had to eat lunch first before I could eat dessert. So I got New England clam chowder in a bread bowl. The soup was good, the bread was a little undercooked, and soft, needs to be more firm like Panera Bread.
Then we saw some animals (all of which Chase referred to as "dog") and then I passed a stand advertising the "Best Legs in Town." So I plunked down my money and wandered the fairgrounds munching on the most delicious turkey leg I've ever tasted.

i love this turkey leg so much I want to sew my ass shut
chowing down on my delicious turkey leg

Cameron and I enjoyed the lumberjack competition. It was narrated by a 500 lb. guy in an Hawaiian shirt. He referred to two guys who had never been in a competition before as virgins. 20 times.

Giving Cam a better view

And finally on the way out, I got my fried Oreos. And the sun came out. And the flowers bloomed. And the birds sang a happy tune. All was right in the world as I sunk my teeth into those delicious half-melted dough covered Oreos. But just like that -- they were gone.

Oh fried oreos, how I love you so

Final tally:
entry - $7
soup in a bread bowl - $7
turkey leg - $7
cherry limeade - $4
fried oreos - $5
Day at the fair with my family, enjoying the sunshine and some delicious food: $30

Kellen Winslow's Pants are Too Small

When I heard that Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow was hospitalized with an "undisclosed illness," I reflected on the nature of undisclosed illnesses and decided maybe they should all be undisclosed. This is someone's personal medical history we're discussing here. For everyone else that is something kept in the strictest of confidence (it can be punishable by law to discuss), yet for athletes, we read about their health everyday in the paper.
So it brings me no joy to inform you that Winslow spent 4 days in a hospital being treated for swollen testicles. Ok, that brought me a little bit of joy.
According to went to the Cleveland Clinic because he testicles swelled to the size of grapefruits.
That may be an exaggeration but there is a condition known as hydrocele, common in newborn infants, that results in swollen testicles. Usually it isn't serious, but it can be a symptom of testicular cancer.

TON's Archfoe on "Beer Money"

During freshman year of high school a kid named Ilan tried to singe TON's ass with a bunsen burner. 15 years later TON refuses to forgive and forget and Ilan still tops TON's Kill List. Now Ilan has appeared on "Beer Money" the SNY show that asks people off the street 3 questions for $10, $20 and $100. The show is becoming a great place to see assholes and retards from Wagner High School.

Here's how Ilan's appearance went (I'll leave spaces after questions for those of you playing along at home.

Sporting a full beard and carrying a messenger's bag Ilan was stopped by host Chris Carlin in Columbus Circle. Ilan introduces himself with first and last name says he's from "New York" and a big fan of the New York Giants.

First question:
What local sports team goes by the nickname "Big Blue?"

Ilan quickly answers "New York Giants". Carlin says that was "the easiest ten bucks ever. Ever!" Then asks Ilan if he wants to risk it. Ilan says "why not?" Carlin says he has to risk it after that easy question and we move on to the --

Second question:
Who did the New York Giants play in their last home playoff game?

Ilan thinks for a while then says "it's been a while, two years ago, NFC, the Eagles."
Carlin emphatically says that is "incorrect," takes the $10 back and calls him ee-LON instead of EE-lon. Then Carlin reminds him that it was the Carolina Panthers. That jogs Ilan's memory somewhat as he says "that's right they got blown out like 41-0 or something like that."
Note: the score was 23-0 and I was there.
Carlin says it wasn't quite that bad, but they did get blown out."
Ilan replies "It was bad, it was bad."
Then Carlin says something that will warm TON's heart, "You know what else was bad? Your performance. That was bad."

So a satisfying appearance for TON, maybe not for Ilan, but I do have to answer "no" to the question TON asked me when I told him Ilan was on the show, "does he get punched in the face at the end of the segment?"

What Do You Give Me For? Ted Allen and Focks

ted allen

Story Suggested by Mrs. Nails

This Is My Life

I love sports, I love the Mets, the Redskins, the Knicks and Syracuse. And it seems they always let me down.
Syracuse's 2003 National Championship was a blessing, an unexpected gift given to me by shooting star whose stay was so short we didn't even have time to think of a repeat.
But other than that one glorious moment (a moment I do not take for granted, believe me), none of my teams has won a title in more than 15 years, roughly my entire adult life.
But it's not just that they don't win, it's how they don't win. They are often expected to, they often make me believe they will, but they never do.
The Redskins loss to the Rams is a perfect example. I can't remember a time when I was more confident entering a game.
And the Redskins started off ok, overcoming mistakes to have a 7-3 lead, and the ball in the red zone at the end of the half. But wait, an offensive lineman catches a tipped pass, tries to run with it and fumbles, leading to a touchdown for the Rams.
Instead of a 10-3 lead, they now trail 10-7, but I think they can still win.
But two more field goals for the Rams put the Skins down 2 scores, and I thought it was over.
Until they scored a touchdown with less than 4 minutes to go to take the lead, that's when I thought they dodged a bullet.
But as the Rams moved the ball, I got worried again.
But on 3rd and 12, I was sure the Redskins could stop them.
But the Rams threw a 43-yard pass to put the Rams in field goal range, it's over.
But the play was reviewed, bringing hope.
Unfortunately it was upheld and the game was over again.
But wait, Rams lineman Richie Incognito gets a 15-yard penalty making it a long field goal.
But it's good, and the Redskins lose to the worst team in the NFL.
But they're still 4-2 with the Browns and Lions coming up!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Mrs. Mangini is Very Permissive

Jets coach Eric Mangini's third son was born and just like the previous two he was given a middle name for a football player or coach. Apparently this is how Manginin convinced Favre to accept a trade to the Jets.

Zack Brett Mangini was born on October 10 — also Brett Favre's 39th birthday — and the New York Jets coach and his wife, Julie, gave their third son a middle name fit for an iconic, gunslinging quarterback.

"I think he thinks it's pretty cool," Mangini said of Favre. "I think the more interesting, ironic, I don't know what word you'd use, is the fact he was born on Brett's birthday."

The newest member of the Mangini family was born at 7:43 a.m., weighing in at 7 pounds and 13 ounces and was 20 inches long with "very, very healthy lungs." A beaming Mangini, wearing a hospital bracelet around his left wrist, said the baby and his wife were "happy, healthy, so we're all excited."

Mangini committed to using the middle name, Brett, when he and the Jets were trying to get Favre to come to New York in the summer.

"The odds of the child being born on the same day as my birthday, I don't know what the odds are," Favre said. "He told me that today was the day and I asked, 'Well, is he still going to be Brett?' He said, 'Yeah, Zack Brett.' ... The odds, in some respects, are a lot like me. What were the odds of me ever coming to the Jets?

"It is a pretty cool thing."

Special middle names are nothing new for the Mangini family. Their first son, Jake Harrison, who's 4 1/2, is named after New England safety Rodney Harrison. Their 2 1/2-year-old son, Luke William, is named in honor of Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

"Well, the history behind that," Mangini explained, "is all my kids have middle names that are related to people that have been important to me in my football career."

So, when the Jets were recruiting the NFL's career leader in touchdown throws, Mangini made the middle name a negotiating chip.

"I explained that history and explained that we were pregnant with our third child," Mangini said. "I really believed that he could be an instrumental part in another good year and an important part of my football life and I would commit to Zack Brett Mangini at that point. That was part of our terms, and we stuck with it."

Mangini said the baby's middle name was going to be Brett even if the two didn't share the same birthday.

"That was locked and loaded in the negotiations," Mangini said with a smile, "but we couldn't have planned that if we wanted to. Pretty exciting."

Despite the middle name, Mangini isn't too optimistic that his youngest son will become an NFL quarterback.

"I don't like my odds there," Mangini said with a grin. "Just judging by how I throw, every male in our respective families throw, we tend to breed linemen on both sides. Maybe he'll change the equation."