Friday, January 19, 2007

Blades of Steel

When I first heard about this movie, I belittled it as being only for idiots but the trailer actually looks pretty good. I just don't understand why Will Ferrell has to take his shirt off in every movie & SNL skit. We've seen it. It's not funny anymore.

Playoff Predictions

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -3 new england patriots
The Patriots of Brady and Belichick own the Colts of Manning and Dungy. I throw out the last two games because they didn't happen in the playoffs. You say this year is different? The Colts are playing tough defense? They are not relying on Manning? I'll believe it. But not until I see it.

Chance of Colts winning the game: ZERO

CHICAGO BEARS -2 1/2 new orleans saints
Defense versus offense. The Bears defense did not play well against the Seahawks. And the Saints are much better than them. But the Bears are pissed off. They need to get to Brees and rattle his cage a little. Plus only about 10% of the time do both road teams win on championship weekend, and it hasn't happened in more than 10 years.

Chance of Bears winning the game: 100%
Chance of Bears covering the spread: 99%

Girlz is Dumm

I hate e-mail forwards, even the ones that will potentially make Dan Greco rich beyond his wildest dreams if I will just take the time to read it. And I seldom, if ever, post an e-mail forward but this one is so true and so smart I had no choice but to share it.

"Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!"


The part about the pictures with the faces pressed close together, so true.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Strippers' Mugshots

A sting at a Houston strip club resulted in the arrests of 11 strippers. Smoking Gun has the mugshots of 10 of them. Look how awful these women look under normal lighting and without their makeup. And they were arrested for prostitution, men were paying money to fuck these hoes.

Someone paid money to fuck her

Boy Genius

The odyssey of a gifted 9 year-old boy who channeled his smarts in the wrong direction:
Semaj stole an Acura that was left running outside a neighbor's house and was quickly spotted by police. Police pursued him at 80 to 90 mph until he took an exit and the engine blew, after which the car went over a curb and coasted into a tree.
He refused to come out of the car, so officers broke a window to unlock a door and immediately recognized him as a frequent runaway and car thief. Last month he also crashed a stolen car before being caught by police, and more recently he was caught in a stolen car that had run out of gas.
His mother believes he learned to drive from playing video games on a PlayStation.
She had told police not to bring him home if he got in any more trouble, but the local juvenile detention center wouldn't take him because he was too young.
So he went home, and the next morning he was missing again.
He went to the airport because he didn't like Tacoma, Washington and wanted to get to his grandfather in Dallas.
Somehow he boarded a flight for Phoenix, and changed and got on a flight for San Antonio (evidently the wrong flight) where he was apprehended.
Southwest Airlines is trying to figure out how he got through airport security and on the flights.
He must have had a boarding pass and since he was so young they didn't ask him for photo ID.
The boy's mother, Sakinah Booker, said he dislikes the neighborhood where the family lives and is afraid of a sex offender who lives nearby.
She also says he needs a male role model.
I think he just needs a better way to use his smarts and energy.

Hyponatremia

A woman who competed in a radio station's contest to see how much water she could drink without going to the bathroom died of water intoxication
Jennifer Strange, 28, was found dead hours after taking part in the "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" contest in which KDND 107.9 promised a Nintendo Wii video game system for the winner.
Investigation showed she died from water intoxication.
Initially, contestants were handed 8-ounce bottles of water to drink every 15 minutes.
As the contest wore on they were given larger bottles.
One listener called in to tell the DJs that someone could die.
"Yeah, we're aware of that," one of them said.
Another DJ laughed: "Yeah, they signed releases, so we're not responsible. We're OK."
"Is anybody dying in there?" a DJ asked during the show. "We got a guy who's just about to die," the other responded, and all the DJs laughed.
"I like that we laugh about that," another said.
"Make sure he signs the release. ... Get the insurance on that, please."

All ten radio station employees involved in the contest were fired and the police are investigating.
Mrs. Strange was trying to win the Wii for her kids.

Hibachi Cools the Knicks

The Knicks valiant comeback effort came up just short against the Wizards. Once again JC was Christlike in hitting clutch shots to give the Knicks the lead with 12 seconds to go. But the strategy to double team Gilbert Arenas (which worked most of the game) backfired when he passed out of the double and the Knicks scrambling to cover left Caron Butler open under the basket for the game winning dunk.

Disaster Averted

Syracuse almost suffered one of the worst defeats in school history until Eric Devendorf and a missed front end of a 1-and-1 saved their sorry asses.
SU dominated the first half of the game to point where I called Bill and asked him to hire a hearse because “Terrence Roberts be killing em.”
Roberts had 16 points in the first half on a number of dunks and follows.
Watkins had 8 blocks and SU led by as many as 19.
Cincinnati closed the lead but couldn’t get much closer than 11, and that’s where it stood with 7 minutes to go.
Then SU kept missing shot after shot (and getting the offensive rebounds) and turning it over. Cincy scored 7 straight points to cut it to 1.
Then Devendorf (by the far the best and gutsiest player on the team) hit a 3 (which was immediately answered) and two free throws to go back up by 3.
More missed shots, more turnovers and a bad 3 point attempt by Nichols trying to be the hero, gave Cincy the ball back and Sikes hit his 8th three of the game to put Cincy up by 2.
That’s when I texted Bill saying this was the worst loss in school history. Not sure if he had turned the game off because he seemed surprised when he texted back “we lost?”
Thanks to two missed free throws by Cincinnati - the first would have made it a four point game, the second on the front of a 1-and-1 – and four makes by Nichols and Devendorf, SU regained the lead and held on for a much closer than it should have been victory.

This picture is actually from the Pitt game but I like it

Tricky Vick

Michael Vick reluctantly surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport that contained a residue "closely associated with marijuana," police said Wednesday.
He entered a concourse at the airport with the 20-ounce bottle. He eventually handed it over and boarded his flight to Atlanta. But his initial reluctance to turn over the bottle aroused suspicion among airport security screeners,
The bottle was found to have a hidden compartment that contained "a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana."
The compartment was hidden by the bottle's label so that it appeared to be a full bottle of water when held upright.
Vick was using this, or something similar

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

24 in 24 Hours

Less than 24 hours after it aired on Fox DVD versions of the first four hours this season of "24" were on store shelves for $14.98.
Just to make my position clear, I loved 24 when it started, but first season petered out. I hated the second season and stopped watching because it's clear the writers ran out of good ideas and instead went with contrived ones.
Anyway, I don't care about 24 but I do care about the distribution method.
Here is what I want: a show or movie that I can watch on any format at any time, anywhere.
Sometimes I would like to watch a old movie on a portable DVD player in the car. Or maybe I'd like to watch a new TV show that aired last night on my video iPod on a plane. Or maybe I there's a new movie that just came out that I want to watch on my big screen TV in surround sound (that's hypothetical, I still have a small TV).
But why can't we just get to the point where we can watch whatever, whenever, wherever. I guess we have to wait for Shakira to take over.

Mets Moves

Resigning Endy Chavez to a 1-year, $1.75 million was a good move. We needed a backup outfielder and he earned his spot with his performance last year. He will forever be remembered for The Catch even though the Mets lost that game. But he clearly played above his abilities last year and I'm glad he didn't get a multi-year contract.

I have no idea what the Mets gave Scott Schoeneweis so much money ($10.8m over 3 years) but wouldn't give basically the same money to Chad Bradford. I guess they felt like they need a lefty in the pen to go with Feliciano.

And the Jorge Sosa signing is pretty good to me even though he had a crappy year (3-11) last season. The guy has ability and if the Jacket (Peterson) can work his magic maybe the Mets will have something. If not all they lost was $1.25 million.

Crazy Woman

Last night Mrs. Poop and I went to the library to see "The First Supper" exhibit.

"Thelma Johnson has filled the exhibit case with a unique display of goddess dolls. The dolls were created by Mrs. Johnson from Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup bottles and celebrate her love for Mother Earth. The 36 dolls are costumed with a variety of natural and man-made materials such as feathers, sequins, grasses, cornhusks and fur. The collection has an eerie beauty and contains figures ranging from Mardi Grad-type revelers to cultural deities and animalistic figures.

Johnson calls her collection "The First Supper," and explains that the figures, which include female shamans, priestesses, goddesses and witches, are "gathered from all cultures and times to dignify and honor the cycles of birth, death and the wisdom of nature." She created with dolls over a period of three years, working only during her favorite months of January and February, a time of year she describes as a time of eerie beauty and "a time to be, not to do."



The below picture doesn't do the exhibit justice. It was really freaky in person. The rabbit one, in the center of the picture was the strangest. It reminded me of the rabbit that was giving the guy a blowjob in "The Shining."


Song of the Week

Heaven - John Legend
At first I wasn't on the John Legend bandwagon, I found his songs very slow, boring and uninteresting. But this one has a little life to it.
Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

He's a Douche

Celtics Guard Tony Allen tore his ACL on this play

Celebrating Martin Luther King Day

I went to the Knicks game with The Concierge to celebrate Martin Luther King Day. Unlike last year when the Knicks lost and I got blamed for mushing the whole season, this time they pulled one out, to beat the Kings.
Jamal Crawford aka JC was a Christ figure in scoring 8 points in the last minute or so including two huge buckets.
The Concierge and I have adopted David Lee as our favorite player and we serenaded him with a version of our old "Eddie Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" [Wilkins] chant.
We hate Jared Jeffries and don't understand why he gets so much time.
We liked Balkman's hustle on defense but he pussied out on two shots he should have dunked and tried to lay them up instead...and missed.
Kevin Martin killed us. Deadeye shooter.
Shareef Abdur-Rahim also had a good game and the Concierge thinks he should be on the government watch list.

JC rising
David Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Monday, January 15, 2007

Rangers Hottie

A former Rangers dancer/cheerleader (I didn't even know they had such a thing) is suing the team for sexual harassment. Now the team is firing back saying she was the problem.

Courtney Prince allegedly:

-referred to a mixed-race lineup of skaters as "my Oreo."

-accused of calling Asian-American skater Angela Chiang "my geisha."

-threatened one of the two African-American skaters, by saying, "I'll find another black girl to replace you."

-urged the women to wolf down diet pills and one of them got hooked.

-threatened skaters with firing if they did not lose weight

-ordered skaters to spend off-hours in tanning salons and to pad their bras

-using a crude word [I love playing guess the crude word] said the skaters' goal was to appear sexually attractive and available.

-constantly talked about her sex life, saying, for example, that she hated to come in early because she could have been [having sex]

-led at least one discussion about oral sex.

-talked about particular sex acts that she enjoyed ... which she said she did on occasion depending on the guy

Your Thoughts?

Anyone want to use the comments section to discuss the NFL championship games?

Chicago vs. New Orleans is a tossup unless the Bears defense regains their swagger.

And Colts - Patriots is a game for the ages. How do you pick this one? Think the Colts will finally break through?

High Stakes Poker Returns

For poker junkies who are tired of the typical all in crap of televised tournament poker, I strongly suggest High Stakes Poker on Game Show Network which starts it's third season tonight.
It's really interesting to see these pros play with only other pros and they gamble much differently when they are playing for real money and not tournament chips.
The worst part of last season was the constant focus on prop bets, which we weren't privy to, so it was hard to follow the action. Apparently those will be eliminated this year.
Which means the worst part of this year is going to be the presence of luckbox and WSOP main event champion Jamie Gold. Main event runner-up Paul Wasicka is also going to appear.
I love the Sopranos motiff in the ads.





Speaking of poker, one of our favorite Poopheads, Amber Freed's Husband wrote in to report that he finished 122nd out of 3701 in a poker stars tournament, but because of rebuys the prize pool was more than $45,000. It took almost 6 hours, for him so the winner must have played for 8-10 hours at least.

Golden Globes

The Golden Globe Awards are tonight and I hate award shows and never watch them.
But there is one thing I like about the Golden Globes; when some fashion hack refers to a woman's breasts as her "golden globes."
Happens every year.

LT Was Pissed

LaDanian Tomlinson was pissed at the end of the Chargers-Patriots game and got into a scuffle with a couple New England players who had been mocking the ridiculous, spasmodic, "Lights Out", sack dance of Shawne Merriman.

"I would never react in that way. I was very upset," Tomlinson said. "When you go to the middle of our field and start doing the dance Shawne Merriman is known for, that is disrespectful. They showed no class and maybe that comes from the head coach."

This reminds me of when those evil jerks on the St. Louis Cardinals imitated our Jose chant.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Playoffs are Poop

Indianapolis Colts 15 Baltimore Ravens 6
The Colts defense did it again. The defense that gave up almost 400 yards on the ground to the Jacksonville held another good ground game in check. They also picked off Steve McNair twice, in crucial situations. Peyton Manning hasn't played well throwing 5 INTs and only one touchdown in the two playoff games. But he’s winning for a change, which is nice.
A huge turning point in the game came in the fourth quarter when Ed Reed picked off Peyton Manning. It turned out not to hurt the Colts because it was 3rd and long and the pass resulted in the same change of field position that a punt would have. And Steve McNair gave the turnover right back. The problem was, Reed lateraled the ball before he went out of bounds which could have resulted in a long return, but a whistle blew the play dead.
At that point you knew the Ravens needed a big play because their offense just wasn’t getting it done against the suddenly stout Indianapolis defense.

New Orleans Saints 27 Philadelphia Eagles 24
Probably the best game of the playoffs so far. The Eagles killed themselves with penalties particularly the false start that cost them a big first down with 2 minutes to go. Instead of going for it on 4th and 15 Andy Reid took the chickenshit way out and punted; and never got the ball back.
The game was dominated by the running backs; McAllister and Bush combined for almost 200 yards rushing and Westbrook had a great game also, including a great 62 yard touchdown run.
The Eagles just couldn’t stop the run and that was their undoing as the Saints ran it down their throats for 5 minutes in the fourth quarter.
One other highlight, the early hit by Sheldon Brown on Reggie Bush. Impressive that Bush returned and played so well.

Chicago Bears 27 Seattle Seahawks 24
The Bears escaped with a win and surprisingly, the problem was the defense, not Rex Grossman. Rex threw one TD which really wasn’t his fault. The other turnover, the fumble that set up the Seahawks second touchdown was more symptomatic of Grossman’s troubles. He refused to take a sack and ended up fumbling the ball away.
Another great turn of events (similar to Seattle-Dallas) occurred at the end of the third quarter.
With the score 24-21, Chicago was in great position to score the go ahead touchdown.
Then Seattle stopped them and forced a field goal opportunity. Advantage Seahawks.
A false start penalty gave Chicago a first down. Advantage Bears.
But Chicago couldn’t get it across and seemed likely to settle for the game-tying field goal.
Until Rex Grossman threw an interception. Advantage Seahawks.
But on the first play Matt Hasselbeck gave the interception right back. Advantage Bears.
Starting at the 32 Chicago couldn’t move the ball and chickenshit Lovie wouldn’t give Gould a crack at a 49 yard field goal, so they punted. Advantage Seahawks.
Chicago’s defense forced a three and out and Devin Hester, the Windy City Flyer, returned the punt 62 yards for a touchdown. Advantage Bears.
But Ricky Manning Jr., the Denny’s Destroyer, committed an illegal block penalty (it was a good call, and it did help spring Hester) and the return was called back. Advantage Seahawks.
All of that happened within 5 minutes of game time. But the Bears drove it down for the game tying field goal and won in overtime after taking the shackles off Grossman; he threw a 30 yard pass to Rashied Davis to set up the field goal.

New England Patriots 24 San Diego Chargers 21
Another great game in a weekend of great games. And though it didn’t go down exactly like I said it would Marty Schottenheimer did make some key mistakes while the Patriots capitalized on some opportunities.
First of all, if any other QB had played the way Tom Brady did yesterday, (say Peyton Manning or Rex Grossman) he’d be getting ripped. But Brady deserves a little slack because of his track record and his drive at the end of the game.
The Patriots drive at the end of the first half was huge psychologically to be down only 4 instead of 11.
Then in the third quarter the Chargers really started to unravel. The Pats were able to get a field goal to cut the lead to one thanks to these mistakes: a muffed punt by Parker, an illegal contact on Drayton Florence and then disastrously, a 15-yard penalty on Florence for a head butt.
And that was followed by a Rivers interception (Tomlinson should have gotten at least a 5-yard face mask penalty), but the Patriots couldn’t convert.
The Chargers drove all the way down the field, killed 5 minutes, scored a touchdown, took an 8 point lead and it looked like they had put the game away.
And then on fourth and five Brady threw his third interception of the game and Marlon McCree made a huge mistake – KNOCK IT DOWN!
He never should have caught the ball. It was fourth down. As you know he got stripped by the great Troy Brown (Robert Horry of the NFL), Marty Schottenheimer wasted a time out and Tom Brady took over. 7 yards, 12 yards, 9 yards, touchdown. And then a direct snap to Faulk for the 2 point conversion? Think Marty had the onions for that?
And when Brady got the ball back it was more of the same, setting up the game winning field goal with a 49 yard pass to Caldwell.
But San Diego had one more chance but didn’t have enough time due to the wasted time out because of a challenge, and another wasted TO after an injury time out. Also they used 25 seconds to get to the line after a 14 yard gain and another 15 seconds to get to the line after a yard gain to spike the ball. One more TO would have made a world of difference.

I Didn't Know It Was Still On

Quite Frankly with Screamin A. Smith was mercifully canceled by ESPN. But that may be bad news because now he is going to expand his presence across ESPN (supposedly) by appearing on Sportscenter more often and doing interview specials around big events.

Nice Shirt

It's a time honored tradition for sports broadcasts to show hot chicks in the stands. But maybe they shouldn't have shown this particular one.



How Good Are the Buckeyes?

At football, good but not good enough.
At basketball, not sure yet, but probably the same answer.
The young Buckeyes hoopsters led by Greg Oden, Mike Conley and my favorite player Daequan Cook got their first big victory over Tennessee.
Greg Oden finally got the ball on offense and scored a career high 24 points.
Pizza Parlor Derek was ambivalent about the victory because it came against his favorite coach, Bruce Pearl.
Now OSU has lost it's 3 games against 3 of the top 4 teams in the country (North Carolina, Florida & Wisconsin), though North Carolina will slide down in the rankings after losing to Virginia Tech.
All of this is relevant, for two reasons.
First, I have $90 riding on the Ohio State to do in basketball what they couldn't do in football.
Second, Pizza Parlor Derek and I have made travel arrangements to visit Pizza Parlor Daren in Columbus. We will hopefully be seeing OSU against Michigan State but as yet we haven't secured tickets. We might have ticket connections but due to the astronomical prices on stubhub I fear we're going to end up going the scalper route.
Nonetheless, I look forward to the trip and to seeing Greg Oden in person.


Trade the Pick

In the last 6 NFL drafts the San Diego Chargers held the first overall pick twice.
Both times they traded the pick.
The first time they traded Mike Vick and got LaDanian Tomlinson and Drew Brees (the two best players in the NFL this season).
In 2004 they traded Eli Manning for Philip Rivers and Shawne Merriman.
All four players they acquired in those deals are better than both players they gave up.