Friday, January 09, 2009

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Mrs. Poop will be attending a Golden Globes party at our neighbor's house (they became friends through Facebook, babies and mutual stalking). Mrs. Poop is not going to know anyone there besides the neighbor, so I suggested a little ice breaker she should use.
When she sees an actress showing off her big boobies, I told her to say "look at her Golden Globes."

Weekly Picks

A playoff disaster that may be hard to recover from struck last week as Peyton Manning and his merry men choked again. Last week we had a bunch of close games that were tough to call and in several cases the better team was on the road. This week the big boys come out to play and the spreads are bigger.

TENNESSEE -3 baltimore

This is a counter-intuitive play. It seems to me every time I make the popular pick I lose. So even though it looks like the Ravens are a dominant defense again I’m going to guess that Kerry Collins can do what he did twice already this year (against the Bears and Jaguars) when the running game was shut down, and throw over the top of the defense.

CAROLINA -9 ½ arizona
I won’t go with two against the grain picks. I think the Cardinals performance last week (running and stopping the run) was a fluke. I think the Panthers can run right over them and by virtue of a ball-control offense, keep it away from Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald.

san diego +6 PITTSBURGH
I wanted one underdog here and I think the Chargers are the underdog most likely to win (after the Ravens who I’m not picking for reasons discussed above). I know the Steelers have a great defense and are very tough to be at home but the Chargers are playing great right now. Philip Rivers continues to play like one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL (he was the top-rated QB this year) and it turns out the Chargers may not need LaDanian Tomlinson as much as we thought they did. My only fear is that Darren Sproles will get hit hard by either James Harrison or Troy Polamalu and get knocked out of the game.

NEW YORK GIANTS -4 ½ philadelphia

I’m not giving up on the Giants just yet. They are the Super Bowl Champions and they were the best team through ¾ of the season. They haven’t brought their A game for a few weeks now but I think they will be able to get their running game going against the Eagles which will open things up for Eli Manning. But I guess there is always the possibility that Eli Manning is a choker like his brother, both of whom had just one lucky year. But I also worry about the Eagles, and Donovan McNabb, because of their tendency to come up small in big games. Plus Papa Poop and Master Bates are going to this game and I don’t want to have to root against them.

Last Week: 1-3 (0 points)
Season: 45-44 (49 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (11-7)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (10-16)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (4-2)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (20-9)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (10-16)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

Most Delicious Prank Ever

Rookie Jason Thompson of the Sacramento Kings failed to fulfill his obligations as a rookie. For failing to bring the bagels, this was his punishment, if you can call this a punishment.

The key to taking a prank is to act like it doesn't bother you. I would have just sat there and ate the popcorn until it was gone.

Aren't Genetics Wild?

I recently got a most distressing e-mail from Master Bates:

"Had my first ever Target popcorn today and it came nowhere close to the hype you built up. In fact I threw out a lot of it as it was not good."

At first I thought maybe he just got a bad batch, but then I remembered Target popcorn is popped fresh every 30 minutes, and there have been times when Mrs. Poop has gotten Target popcorn in the morning, and I ate it at 6 pm, and it was still delicious. So that couldn't be it.
Then I considered maybe Master Bates was raised to dislike delicious popcorn. But since we were raised by the same parents, in the same house, the same room even, we must have been exposed to the same things growing up.
So maybe nature in the age old nature vs. nurture debate was the reason Master Bates didn't like Target Popcorn.
So I called Mama Poop and she said she loves Target Popcorn too.

Therefore the only conclusion one can make is: Master Bates is adopted.

Aren't Genetics Wild?

Jessica Alba and her mom

Thursday, January 08, 2009

My How He's Grown

Chase on New Year's Day 2008:

Chase on New Year's Day 2009:

When He Wasn't Saying How Great Tim Tebow Is

Thom Brennaman after a hard tackle by Florida Gators safety Major Wright:

"When Major Wright hits you, you feel it in a major wrong way."

Somewhere Tim McCarver smiled and thought "so Thom did get my e-mail."

Everybody Wants a Handout

In a letter to Congress filled with cheesy puns like "sagging economy" and "limp sales" Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild Creator Joe Francis asked for a $5 billion bailout for the porn industry.
"The government is handing out money. They're moving toward a nationalized economy, and Larry and I felt we might as well be a part of it."
"People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt added in a statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."
"I'd like to know what Obama would say," Francis mused. "I bet he's a Girls Gone Wild fan...If we're invited [to the White House], then we'll go."
Obviously the media is all over this story and reporting with such seriousness that you'd think these guys are really expecting Congress to even consider this.
Obviously, this is just a publicity stunt, but it's a pretty funny one.

By the way, Larry Flynt is the perpetrator of one of the funniest agitations I've ever heard of. Flynt sends every issue of Hustler to all 535 members of Congress. Some have asked the deliveries be stopped, some have even sought legal action, but the public is allowed to seek redress from Congress. So basically Congressmen are required to receive and open mail from citizens, whether they like it or not.

I Want To See These Pictures

A woman in England received a huge surprise five weeks after doctors told her she was pregnant – she found out she has two reproductive systems and her baby is growing in one of her two wombs.
Lindsay Hasaj is one of very few women who are known to have that kind of anatomy, but doctors are confident she will have a normal pregnancy.
Her condition, known as uterus didelphys, means she has two wombs, two cervixes and two vaginas. It also means her chances of getting pregnant were cut in half.
The condition can make the wombs and cervixes weaker than having one of each, but with regular check-ups, she should be fine.
She never knew she had the condition because she is normal externally, her vagina has one opening, but it divides into two internally.
I guess this is the female version of diphallic terata.

There is Nothing Sexy About Breastfeeding

Facebook is currently involved in a boobie controversy.
The site flagged the photos of women breast-feeding as obscene.
Now angry mothers are picketing the site's headquarters, creating groups like "Hey Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene" and flooding the site with breastfeeding images (11,500 of them) out of spite.
"We challenge the notion that women's breasts are dangerous or sexual, especially in the context of breast-feeding," said Stephanie Muir, organizer of the virtual "nurse-in."
That's a sentiment I completely agree with.
"We've made a visible areola the determining factor," said Facebook spokesman Barry Schnitt, who stressed that the company supports breast-feeding. "It is a common standard."
Also a sentiment I agree with.
Look Facebook has to draw the line somewhere and I guess exposed nipple is a good place to do it.
No one would argue that these sluts who post pictures of themselves wearing nothing but a smile (but covering their nipples with their hands) aren't closer to obscenity than breastfeeding pics, but in this case Facebook can't be expected to review every photo.
And it shouldn't be a fundamental right for site users to be allowed to post these pictures.
And why are women posting them anyway? Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, a wonderful thing that not everyone needs to see.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Song of the Week

"Worst That Could Happen" - Johnny Maestro and the Brooklyn Bridge
Sticking with the oldies theme this week for one of the greatest love songs ever written. Listen to this classic performance from the Ed Sullivan Show in 1968. You can hear the lament in Johnny Maestro's voice.
"Baby, if he loves you more than me, maybe it's the best thing for you..."

Talk Amongst Yourselves, I'll Pick the Topic

Few topics seem to generate as much feedback around these parts as MMA does.
So let me pose a question that should spark some debate:
Who among Anderson Silva, Rashad Evans or Brock Lesnar will be the first (and last) to lose a match?
Silva is the best fighter in the world right now, Evans has never lost and Lesnar is just a beast.
I think Evans will be the first to lose. Even though he already has 8 wins in the UFC there are some holes in his game, specifically, he's never even tried a submission. Plus there are some really good contenders in the 205 division including Rampage Jackson and maybe even Anderson Silva moving up for a superfight (too bad UFC doesn't have catch weights).
I think Lesnar is an absolute monster who should tear through the heavyweight division, I think it's possible (but not likely) that someone could eventually be able to catch him in some kind of submission (though I doubt it would be a choke because I don't think anyone has arms long enough to wrap around his neck).
That leaves me with Anderson Silva. I don't see any way someone can beat this guy. He's got 8 straight wins in the UFC and hasn't lost in 3 years, and that was a disqualification. Plus, Silva seems kind of bored with UFC and may retire after just a couple more fights, even though he supposedly has 6 fights left on his contract.
So I predict Evans gets in one maybe two title defense before he loses.
Lesnar wins about 6 or 8 fights before someone catches him.
And Silva fights 4 more times and retires without ever losing again.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The NFL is Poop - Wild Card Playoffs

Arizona Cardinals 30 Atlanta Falcons 24
The Cardinals beat the Falcons by beating them at their own game. And doing it from the get-go. The Cardinals set the tone for this game on their second drive. They tried three passes on their first possession and went 3-and-out. They started their second drive with 3 runs, 6, 9 and 6 yards. After softening up the defense, the Cardinals used a flea flicker for a touchdown. Though that touchdown was more the result of Larry Fitzgerald’s incredible athleticism, than it was duping a defense which was committed to the run. And the Cardinals also got tough on defense bottling up Michael Turner for most of the game. But despite that impressive style of play, the Cardinals were still in trouble in this one until the ball landed in Antrell Rolle’s lap and he returned the fumble 27 yards for a touchdown to give the Cardinals a 21-17 lead. After that the Falcons went 5 possessions in which they lost 6 yards total, got intercepted and sacked in the end zone for a safety.

San Diego Chargers 23 Indianapolis Colts 17
The best game of the weekend but it was also marred by some questionable officiating and some horrible play. Neither team seemed like they wanted to win this game. But beyond the play-by-play of this one is the remarkable downside of the careers of two of the greatest players of this decade. Let’s look at Peyton Manning for instance, sure he had one great year, but take that out, and he’s 3-8 lifetime in the playoffs. That’s an atrocious record. And several of those games were home games, or games the Colts should have won. Yes, he shook the choker label by winning the Super Bowl, but he is far from clutch. And it sure seems like the window is closing on these Colts teams. And the career of LaDanian Tomlinson maybe be on an even sharper slide. For the second year in a row Tomlinson sat on the sidelines looking utterly disinterested while this team won a playoff game. In the NFL, teams have to be quick to get rid of aging high-priced stars (better a year too soon than a year too late) because of the salary cap. Running backs usually fade early, and very quickly (remember Shaun Alexander?). And the great performance of Darren Sproles will give the Chargers even more reason to consider cutting Tomlinson loose (I bet they wish they’d kept Michael Turner). Sproles just goes to show that size is overrated, if a guy is fast but small maybe he can’t carry 20 times a day right up the middle, but if you use him properly he can become a great asset.

Baltimore Ravens 27 Miami Dolphins 9
Absolute domination by the Ravens. And crashing down came the Cinderella season of the Dolphins and especially Chad Pennington. In 2 games against the Ravens Pennington through 5 interceptions, in 15 games against the rest of the league he threw 6. But it started when the Ravens shut down the Dolphins running game (Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown combined for 36 yards) and took the lead. That forced the Dolphins to pass more often than they would like (38 attempts for Pennington). In each of the last 3 seasons a team that played on the first weekend of the playoffs went on to winner the Super Bowl. If that trend continues I think it will be the Ravens. They have a dominating defense, a powerful running game and in Joe Flacco, a Roethlisberger-esque young QB who isn’t great, but doesn’t screw it up and makes enough plays to win.

Philadelphia Eagles 26 Minnesota Vikings 14
And Eagles fans love Donovan McNabb again. It should be pointed out for all the criticism he gets McNabb is 6-0 in his career in his first round playoff game. Coach Andy Reid is 7-0, because he won one game with Jeff Garcia at the helm. Unfortunately for them they’re 1-3 in NFC championship games and 0-1 in the Super Bowl. A lot of people criticize the Eagles for an imbalanced pass-run breakdown but they really started to have success in this game when they abandoned the run. The Vikings completely stuff their rushing game so they started throwing on every down, to great success. After two pretty good drives that didn’t turn into anything because of horrid starting field position, the Eagles broke through when Brian Westbrook sprung free for a 71-yard touchdown. And the Vikings couldn't come back because, frankly, Tarvaris Jackson sucks. This team needs to figure out something fast because 21 of their starters are good enough to be a really good team, but neither Gus Frerotte nor Jackson is good enough to lead them anywhere. If they can get their hands on Donovan McNabb, they'd probably get at least one round further in the playoffs next year.

Big Night Out

Ever since she read the book, Mrs. Poop has been dying to see "Twilight." For whatever reason she wasn't able to go when her equally-obsessed work buddies went, so it fell on me to take her.
And so that I could greater share the experience with her (and bill it as a Hannukah present) I read the book first.
We had planned to go see it while in Connecticut over the Christmas holiday but when that didn't work out we enlisted Mama Poop to babysit so we could go.
We decided to go out to dinner first because we never get to leisurely enjoy a meal anymore. Turns out we didn't get to enjoy a leisurely meal this time either. The wait was 45 minutes so we had about an hour before our movie started. Plus, my stomach was rumbling. If we hadn't already bought the tickets I might have wanted to go home. But halfway through the movie it calmed down so I was fine.
Showtime was listed as 8:20 but you know the movie doesn't start until at least 8:30 so we were shocked to find a theater almost completely packed at 8:10, especially considering the movie has been out for 6 weeks.
We couldn't find two seats together anywhere, not even in the lower part of the auditorium where you have to strain your neck looking up at the screen.
We decide to go outside and get help from an usher (old man move #1), part of me thinking that we're going to have to ask for our money back and really ruin Mrs. Poop's big night out.
But when we get back in the theater I see some douche with a pile of coats on a chair (how inconsiderate are you if you take up a seat in a crowded theater with your jacket?) a few seats down from an empty seat. I point it out to the usher who demands those people pick up their coats, everyone else slides down one, and we're in prime seating location.
Except on my left is some smart-mouthed kid. He had to be 10 or 11 years old, I'm not even sure he wasn't with his parents, but he would not stop talking. He wasn't whispering, he was talking. And all stupid comments, like calling Edward a stalker for the creepy way he was looking at Bella.
So I leaned over putting my face right in his and said "stop talking" (old man move #2). He looked at me, I glared at him and he didn't say another word the rest of the movie.
Thankfully I didn't have to go to the bathroom during the movie because of my enlarged prostate, that would have been three old man strikes against me.
I liked the movie a lot better than the book because they cut out a lot of the girly sappy crap and replaced it with action and fight scenes.
It's very challenging to turn a beloved book into a movie, because books don't always translate (especially when most of the action takes place inside the character's head) and because they'd be 5 hours long if the script was adhered to exactly as the book is written.
But I think they did an excellent job of skipping things, combining things and rearranging things to cover all crucial plot points while not omitting anything important or cool.
Also, some aspects, like the vampires' powers and the scenic mountains and trees appeared better on the big screen than in your mind.
Plus Mike Dexter played Edward Cullen's dad.
Other than that all the casting was great, Edward was perfectly creepy, Bella was perfectly awkward and the girl who played Jessica was absolutely perfect as a teenage girl ("this dress makes my boobs look awesome").
When the movie ended I looked at Mrs. Poop and she said "we are definitely getting this on DVD."
She liked it, I liked it and we had a nice night out, with no Chase for once.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Paulo's Book Club: "Twilight"

"Twilight" is a story about a teenage love, told from a teenage girl's perspective, and the main character is a teenage girl.
If you are not a teenage girl (or never were) this book may not be for you.
It's not really a book about vampires. Edward Cullen being a vampire is just the thing that makes him different, dangerous, exciting and forbidden. And those are the reason Bella, and the teenage girls who read about him love him so much.
Four hundred years ago Shakespeare wrote about forbidden teenage love, and this is essentially an updated version of that same theme, with a fantastical twist.
Bella Swan ("stop looking at me, Swan") is the awkward, clumsy girl who comes to a new school and eventually falls in love with the school's bad boy, who happens to be a good-looking vampire.
I think the author overdoes it a little with the girly stuff. For instance, the book could have been 100 pages shorter if she hadn't emptied her thesaurus looking for 1000 different ways to describe how good-looking Edward is. And there was also a lot of effort spent describing the way Bella's heart fluttered every time Edward looked at her, touched her or even walked into the same room. We get it, she loves him.
Despite being 500 pages, "Twilight" is a light, fast read (remember, I said it was for teenage girls) and if you can wade through some of the sappy stuff there is a good story there.
So even though I didn't love it, I can definitely understand why a certain segment of the population would, and if you are one of those people who can remember getting tongue-tied when the cute boy sat next to you in biology class, this might be the book for you.

Would You Bang? Katy Perry

Sure, she says all the right things, like "I kissed a girl and I liked it," but assuming there is no threesome involved would you want to taste her cherry ---chapstick?

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Rey Maualuga Takes a Page out of Pizza Parlor Derek's Book

Emboldened by his team's awesome Rose Bowl performance over the Penn State Shittaly Lions, USC linebacker Rey Maualuga saw Erin Andrews standing on the sideline and tried to USC PPD's old 1:30 AM Darwin's move on her.

Sorry Rey, that only works only the drunken sluts at Darwin's. You're gonna need a little more to impress a classy broad like Erin Andrews.

Speaking of PPD, his New Year's Resolution was to revive the Pizza Parlor. And if past performance is any indication of future results, this resolution will have fizzled out before we reach February.

I Think This Is Just Crazy Enough to Work

As a promotion for their new condoms which contain a mild anasthetic (to help men last longer) Durex introduced something called the "stamina pillow."
Just put these pillows on your bed during intercourse and you should have no trouble lasting all night.

during stamina pillows