Saturday, September 19, 2009

L'Shana Tovah

5769 started off badly for me, but ended with a flourish.
I hope 5770 is a better year for me and for all who read this.

Let's Hope the Redskins Defense Does Better Than They Did Against the Giants

In an ad that appeared in The Washington Post, Main Line Animal Rescue, a D.C.-based company, pledged to donate five bags of dog food to a D.C. animal shelter for every time the Redskins tackle Vick when the Eagles visit Washington on Oct. 26.

"I think we're all getting tired of the 'Does he deserve a second chance?' kind of thing," Bill Smith, founder and CEO of the shelter, told the Philadelphia Inquirer. "I think we just need to raise public awareness, and this is a good way to do that. It may be funny. It may be clever. It may not."

Smith, who told the Inquirer he is skeptical of Vick's newfound concern for pets, said that "if he had any sense of humor at all" and wanted to help dogs, he could stand on the field before the Oct. 26 game and let players tackle him.

The ad also encouraged people to volunteer at a shelter on game day.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Ernie Anastos Encourages Beastiality

Fox 5 anchor and New York legend TV news legend tries to pay homage to an old Perdue commercial ("it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken") but he gets a little carried away:

At first I thought he said plucking that chicken, but the face of his co-anchor Dari Alexander is unmistakable.

Dari Alexander's horrified face

I actually think the time a guest appeared to be giving Ernie a blow job is even funnier.

The New York Post Overdoes it on the Jewish Puns

In an article (which seems completely contrived) about a rabbi training other rabbis to protect their congregations against terror attacks on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the New York Post's bad-writing team was working overtime.

The cover calls them the "Chosen Guns."
Other Jewish jokes include "mazel-tough guys," "temple of boom," and last but not least "go ahead, make my High Holiday."

mazel-tough guys

Wedding Cakes

While nothing could top the dessert bar at the Focks wedding, here are some interesting wedding cakes I found, and supposedly all of them are real, not photoshopped.

Disaster cake:
plane crash cake

Dessert cake, this looks so awesome. I wish I had seen it four years ago:
dessert cake

Drunk bride and groom cake:
drunken party cake

The bride fell down a hole cake:
oh shit! where's the bride?

The Beatles Yellow Submarine Cake:
The Beatles Yellow Submarine Cake

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I Agree with Pres. Obama

A whole shitstorm erupted over these remarks because someone from ABC tweeted them out under Terry Moran's name when obviously the President meant the jackass comment to be off the record.
But the President should have some balls to come out and say "yeah I meant it, Kanye West is a jackass."
I can't imagine anyone could disagree.

Defending the Indefensible

It seems the whole world is up in arms over a somewhat tasteless column written by Mark Whicker of the Orange County Register.
As so often happens commentators try to outdo one another with their expressions of outrage, but it should be noted it was actual a smart, well-written, interesting column.

The premise was "let's catch up Jaycee Dugard on everything she missed in the sports world during her 18 years in captivity."

There were some smart lines in there like "Barry Bonds, wound up breaking Henry Aaron's home run record. How did such a skinny guy manage that? We'll deal with that later."

And "Michael Jordan did indeed win the big one, and five others."
Remember people thought Jordan wasn't a winner.

The only problem is Whicker approached it from the wrong direction. Instead of using her as a jumping-off point then saying "look how much the sporting world changed in the past 18 years" he seemed to be making fun of her plight.

Especially by ending on a new home run catchphrase, "congratulations, you left the yard."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

What Do You Say?

If you were a boxer or MMA fighter which adjectives would you want the PA announcer to use before announcing your weight.

For instance, "fighting out of the blue corner, weighing in at a (insert answer here) 185 pounds..."

Assemblyman Spanky Duvall

California State Assemblyman Mike Duvall (he put the ass in assemblyman) learned about the dangers of an open mic.

Not realizing all the microphones in the room are on when the assembly is in session, Duvall was heard bragging about banging his mistress.

"She wears little eye-patch underwear," said Duvall, who is married with two children. "So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"

What the fuck is eyepatch underwear? And why doesn't this bitch clean herself up after intercourse. She walks around all day with this guy's jizz sliding down her leg?

He also bragged to his friend "'So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!'"

The woman is 36 year old Heidi DeJong Barsuglia. Duvall is 54. Barsuglia is a lobbyist, and as I mentioned, Duvall is a legislator.

Mike Spanky Duvall
Heidi DeJong Barsuglia likes powerful men, getting spanked and eyepatch underwear

The worst part of it is, Duvall was cheating on his mistress with another mistress.

In the same conversation he spoke of another woman, "Oh, yeah, Sher, Shar, Shar. Oh, she is hot! I talked to her yesterday. She goes, 'So are we finished?' I go, 'No, we're not finished.' I go, 'You know about the other one [Barsuglia], but she doesn't know about you!'"

What Do You Give Me For? May-May and Adrienne Bailon

This is the thinking person's WDYGMF.
Unlike the lowest common denominator WDYGMFs favored by TallSkott (who for years said every person with glasses looked like BC), you need to look at the big picture to get this one.
Every time Adrienne Bailon, Cheetah Girl and former girlfriend of Rob Kardashian comes on my TV, I shout "non-Asian May-May."
Being of different ethnicities the resemblance is less noticeable but if a keen observer like myself looks carefully you can see the shape of the face is the same, the features are the same, especially the chin and cheekbones.
Btw, this is how advanced facial recognition software works, it studied the shape of the face and the distance between certain features.
And if this poll doesn't go my way, I'll be buying some facial recognition software to prove it.

adrienne Bailon

I Will Kill Chase if He Ever Does This

This is why I am not taking Chase to a game until he is 5. Toddlers are too young to appreciate it.

This guy makes a great catch, wants to share the glory with his little girl and she throws the ball back.
What a disgrace!
But I guess it's to be expected from Phillies fans.

Nobody Puts Baby in the Coroner

The world is still mourning the loss of Patrick Swayze who in his varied career played so many diverse characters he was bound to have done something you like.
That was the premise for this poll I posted last year when news of Swayze's cancer went public.

And thanks to "I Don't Care" by No Question, (a favorite of Bill and me) Swayze is forever immortalized in song.

Song of the Week

"Infinity 2008" - Guru Josh Project
Do you like hot chicks? Do you like sledgehammers? Do you like hot girls smashing stuff with sledgehammers? Yes, these are rhetorical questions.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

They Better Recognize

During the Illinois - Missouri game ESPN announcers Ron Franklin and Ed Cunningham showed a t-shirt worn by the sister of Missouri linebacker Sean Weatherspoon. The "hit list" included some of the more prominent quarterbacks on the Tigers schedule:

Maybe after two great games the announcers will start to recognize Zac Lee, starting quarterback at the University of Nebraska. Maybe they could start by studying the QB rating leaders. There's Zac's name, 7th out of 117.
For the record, Daryll Clark is 22, Colt McCoy is 29, Zac Robinson is 60 and Greg Paulus is 90.

I know Nebraska hasn't played anyone yet, but neither have most teams. Lee gets a chance to prove himself Saturday in the hostile environment in Blacksburg, Virginia against a tough Virginia Tech defense.

Zac Lee is probably getting a lot of pussy on the Nebraska campus these days

Anybody's Better Than Paula

I'm not exactly a huge fan of Ellen DeGeneres, but as the headline says, anybody's better than Paula.
Ellen will probably be similar to Paula in her unending cheerleading and positivity for the contestants, but I hope she will be different in several major ways:
1) Be able to say the word no. Even to the very worst auditions, the ones that weren't even serious, Paula couldn't formulate the word saying instead "I'm gonna have to pass.
2) Not be on drugs. Paula's antidepressants really screwed with her brain chemistry at times, turning her into a weeping mess.
3) Not take Simon's shit. I always hated when he would blow in Paula's ear or try to get her to use a random word like "maelstrom" in her comments.

I really don't care that Ellen has no musical background per se. Neither does Simon. And I don't think people really enjoyed or watched the show just to see Paula make a fool of herself.

I think Ellen will be a pretty good judge, and eventually force Kara out as well.

Sasha Obama Hiding in the Oval Office

Cute picture of Sasha Obama hiding behind the couch in the Oval Office, sneaking up on President Obama.

Sasha Obama sneaking around the Oval Office

It calls to mind this famous picture of JFK Jr.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Amazing Race

Two years ago I fell in love with Tiffany Michelle during her coverage of the World Series of Poker for
Then I sent her an e-mail and she actually wrote me back.

And just a year later despite some early bad luck she had one of the best runs a female ever had at the Main Event.

Now Tiffany is hoping to set another standard for female achievement. Tiffany and her best friend Maria Ho (last woman standing in the 2007 Main Event) are hoping to be the first female team to win the Amazing Race.

When she sent out a cryptic tweet saying she would miss the Main Event for something very important, I didn't realize it would be something this cool.

Btw, Jems hates her because she called the clock on someone and gave her tablemates a lot of attitude, but that type of feistiness usually plays well in these high-intensity reality shows.

Charo Gives Jerry Lewis a Lapdance

Despite the rough economy, Jerry Lewis was able to raise $60m in this year's MDA Telethon.
And while he did avoid fag jokes, he did have some other awkward moments:

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Funny or Douchey?

We know SCZA loves Twitter, and we for damn sure know he loves attention, but I think he may have gone too far. He tweeted to Jets wide receiver Chansi Stuckey, telling Stuckey he had just drafted him in fantasy. When I invented the word "douchey" that's what I had in mind.

SCZA hearts Chansi Stuckey