Friday, September 29, 2006

Weekly Picks

The weekly picks are back. After winning the pool for Harley and Adam last year, we decided to go our separate ways. But with Adam and Harley off to a poor start this year, and Adam giving me the head's up about Mets World Series tickets , I felt I had to come out of retirement to help them reclaim their title.

Hit my music!
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Holla if you hear me!"

(favorite first, home team in CAPS, my pick bolded)

san diego chargers -2.5 BALTIMORE RAVENS
This is a tricky game because the Ravens might be for real. They have a steady QB who has been rejuvenated and doesn't make mistakes. They also have a vicious defense. The Ravens are coming off a bad game they barely squeaked out against the Cleveland Browns. The Chargers are coming off a bye and in my opinion they are the best team in football right now. My only worry is that philip Rivers is essentially a rookie and could possibly make mistakes against tough defense like the Ravens. But I think a more likely outcome is for Shawne Merriman to turn Steve McNair's Lights Out. And I didn't even mention LaDanian Tomlinson. Take the Chargers.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS -6.5 san francisco 49ers
The 49ers suck. They are not going to win tough road games. But can they keep this one close? Absolutely. And they did just get their butts kicked by the Eagles. The Chiefs have looked punchless on offense but I don't really mind Damon Huard. I don't think he will kill you with mistakes. The Chiefs also have Larry Johnson who should be able to run over this defense all by himself. I'll ride with LJ and KC.

CINCINNATI BENGALS -6.5 new england patriots
Bengals are very, very, very good but they are not going to go 16-0. And it's a game like this that they could possibly lose. (Never pick an underdog unless you give them a decent chance of winning outright. About 2/3 of the time when an underdog covers it wins the game.) The Bengals might be due for a letdown and the Patriots got embarrassed last week. I look for Brady to put up at least 3 touchdowns which means the Patriots will lose this game 27-21.

Without Pedro

What will the Mets do without Pedro Martinez in the playoffs.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Did T.O. Do It?

I knew T.O. was going to deny what was in the police report that said he attempted to commit suicide. He even practiced yesterday and held a press conference where he and his publicist defended his "innocence."

I do not always trust police reports but T.O.'s story is even more suspicious.

1) His publicist thought he took all the pills because the bottle was empty. Actually the rest of the pills were in a drawer. Possible but unlikely, who puts pills in a drawer?
2) His publicist told police that he was depressed. She denies ever saying that.
3) He took too many pain pills (hydrocodone) because he was taking them at the same time as his supplements. Seems very unlikely. He also said he had an allergic reaction. I'm not clear if he's sticking to that or which defense he's using.
4) He told the police he took the whole bottle and that he was trying to harm himself. He says the police thought he was more coherent than he actually was and he doesn't remember speaking to them.
5) He has 25 million reasons to live. That was a stupid thing for his publicist to say.

I'm really having a hard time believing that he tried to commit suicide, while his publicist was sitting right there. But I also don't believe their version of events. So I'm really not sure what happened. But here are a couple mitigating factors that tilt the scales to suicide attempt:

According to the Dallas Morning News, Owens' son, from a previous relationship, celebrated his birthday Monday. Owens was distraught about not being able to be see the boy, who lives in California.
Then hours later, Owens' hot fiancée, Felisha Terrell, broke off the relationship.

Hoping for a Happy Anniversary

I just secured two tickets to Game 4 of the World Series (should the Mets make it that far). Master Bates is going to be pissed when he reads this but 2 tickets was the maximum. He's also going to be pissed because I forgot to enter Mrs. Poop and Diesel into the NLCS drawing and I didn't win on my entry.
Anyway, Father Poop and I had to choose between Game 1 of the NLDS, Game 7 of the NLCS and Game 4 of the World Series.
My dad wanted Game 1 of the NLDS, because he thought it might be our only chance to see a game. I wanted Game 7 of the NLCS because Game 7 is always special.
We decided on Game 4 of the World Series because it will be played on the 20th anniversary of the greatest day of my life.
Mrs. Poop is now furious because she knows we've only been married for one year.
On October 25, 1986 the Mets and Red Sox played in Game 6 of the World Series. I believe Mookie's ball rolled through Buckner's legs a little after midnight but I'm still giving all the credit to October 25th.

Gets By Buckner! Gets by Buckner!

They've Got Issues

The current troubles plaguing Pedro Martinez really have me worried about the Mets' playoff chances.

Sex for Water

The 72-year-old mayor of Waldron, Arkansas, who was accused providing city water service in exchange for sex has agreed to resign.
Two women told investigators that Troy Anderson had solicited and paid them for sex. Documents filed in the case also allege he provided city water service to a woman in exchange for sex.

Celebrity Jeopardy

Celebrity Jeopardy will air between November 8th and November 21st. It's not clear who will be facing whom but here is the list of contestants:

Martin Short
Curt Schilling
Nancy Grace
Susan Lucci
Regis Philbin
Rachael Ray
James Denton
Doug Savant
Christopher Meloni
Drew Lachey
Carson Kressley
Neil Patrick Harris
Jane Kaczmarek
Joely Fischer
Dana Delany
Mario Cantone
Hill Harper
Scott Turow
Steve Schirripa
Bebe Neuwirth
Paul Shaffer
Sam Waterston
Soledad O'Brien
Isaac Mizrahi

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

We're Praying For You Rev

Statement from Rev. Run:

"On September 26, 2006, Victoria Anne Simmons for some unknown reason chose to come early and unfortunately did not survive. We must accept whatever is there and once you accept unconditionally, then everything is beautiful. Every pain has a purifying effect."

The grieving parents

Saved By the Smell

This seems too good, or too bad to be true.
Dustin Diamond aka Screech Powers has a sex tape. Reportedly he is having sex with two women and performs the dreaded "dirty Sanchez" on one of them. That is he smears her own feces under her nose in a moustache-like formation.
An agent reportedly bought the rights to the tape and is shopping it around (to Hustler and Vivid) for distribution.

I Am Not Dead

For the second time this week I was startled to receive an e-mail that OBL was dead. First it was Osama Bin Laden.

Then I received this hoax this morning:
Actor Orlando Bloom died while filming a movie in New Zealand early this morning - September 27, 2006.

Preliminary reports from New Zealand Police officials indicate that the actor fell more than 60 feet to his death on the Kauri Cliffs while on-set. Specific details are not yet available.

It's just a hoax, don't worry Legolas fans.

Right Again

You may remember my prediction from Monday night.
The New Orleans Saints' return home to the Superdome on Monday night drew the highest rating ever for ESPN and was the highest-rated program of the night on any network, broadcast or cable.
The Saints' 23-3 win over Atlanta in the first game in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina 13 months ago drew a rating of 11.8 and an audience of 10,850,000 homes.
It was the second largest cable audience ever behind the 1993 NAFTA debate between Al Gore and Ross Perot on CNN.

Devastating News

Joseph Simmons (Reverend Run from Run DMC) was at Valley Hospital in Ridgewood New Jersey Tuesday for the birth of his child. Doctors delivered the baby via c-section, revealing a cruel twist of fate -- the baby girl was born with organs outside the body. The newborn died a short time later.

The Rev has been starring in an MTV show called "Run's House" which I have not been watching. He revealed that his wife was pregnant on an episode a few months back.

Some of you may recall that I met the Rev. Run a few years ago. He surprised us by showing up with his brother Russell for an interview. There was no room to put him on the set so he sat in front of the camera next to my old desk. We chatted briefly and a few minutes later the producer came over to apologize for putting him away from everyone else. He said "No problem, I got my man here." He was referring to me. I'm really saddened by this heart breaking incident.

They've Got Issues

Are you worried that the Mets current slump, especially for the the hitters, will carry over into the playoffs?

Serious T.O. News

According to a Dallas police report, Dallas Cowboys star receiver Terrell Owens attempted suicide Tuesday night.

The report says Owens was depressed and reportedly took prescription pain pills. A woman companion states that she observed him putting two pills in his mouth.

the woman said the prescription of 40 pills was filled on September 18 and—until Tuesday—Owens had taken only five pills.

The police report said Owens was asked if he had taken the rest of the prescription; Owens said, "Yes."

According to the report, police also asked if he was trying to harm himself. Owens answered, "Yes."

The first reports on the incident said TO was taken to the hospital with an adverse reaction to pain pills he was taking for his broken finger.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Why I Got Home Half an Hour Late Today

A 57-year-old Elmwood Park bicyclist was killed Tuesday after being struck by a midday New Jersey Transit train, police said.
The unidentified victim was crossing the tracks at Midland Avenue and Erie Street when the commuter train slammed into his rear bicycle tire around 12:30 p.m. (my train would have passed this spot at around 1:00), said Police Chief Don Ingrasselino.
The man, whom Ingrasselino said was initially unconscious but breathing, was taken to the Hackensack University Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead on arrival.
The train, which was headed from Hoboken to Suffern, N.Y., wasn't carrying any passengers, said NJ Transit spokesman Penny Bassett Hackett.

Get Metsmerized

Early in 1986 the Mets rode the coattails of the Super Bowl Shuffling Chicago Bears and made a rap song/video of their own, called Gets Metsmerized. The lyrics are horribly cheesy and thanks to the legendary "Let's Go Mets Go" song (see below, everything is available on youtube) later that same year, no one remembers this piece of crap.

Is This Possible?

Seems too crazy but it just might be true. A guy knocks people out without even touching them. He uses his hands to interfere with their central nervous systems. jusTON is incredulous.

Pedro in Doubt

Willie Randolph is backing off his statement that Pedro Martinez would definitely start the first game of the playoffs.

"[Martinez] might need more time and get pushed back I said to you guys initially he might go in Game 1 ... but that's always subject to change. So what I am saying to you is that depending on how he comes out of his start [Wednesday], who knows? He might need to be pushed back a little. That's all just hypothetical. Obviously, if Pedro feels fine, if he's doing fine, we'll wait and see toward the end of the week when we play.

The NFL is Poop - Week 3

Does That Answer Your Health Questions?
Huge game by Carson Palmer. Four touchdown passes against the Steelers. In Pittsburgh. The Bengals are 3-0 and have a 2 game lead over the Steelers. But their schedule remains tough. They play New England next week. Then a bye, then Tampa Bay and Carolina before facing Atlanta, Baltimore, San Diego and New Orleans. Those four teams are a combined 9-0 so far this season.

What Exactly Does Your Spleen Do?
The spleen is an organ in the upper left side of the abdomen that filters the blood by removing old or damaged blood cells and platelets and helps the immune system by destroying bacteria and other foreign substances. It also holds extra blood that can be released into the circulatory system, if needed. The spleen is a useful but nonessential organ.
Chris Simms is going to have to live the rest of his life without one. His ruptured and had to be removed after the game. Amazingly, Simms led his team back from a 17-0 deficit to a 24-23 lead before Carolina kicked a last second field goal to win the game.

He's Still Got It
I know it was against the Lions but Brett Favre did have a good game and played like he cared. He now has 402 career TD passes, second only to Dan Marino. He needs 19 more (in 13 games) to pass Marino this season, or else he can put us all through the will-he-or-won't-he offseason hell again, come back next season and do it.

In Praise of the Screen Pass
Seems as if a lot of NFL teams are having great success with the screen pass to a running back, the wide receiver screen or a middle screen to a tight end. This week we had Roscoe Parrish sprint 51 yards for a score for the Bills and in the same game Leon Washington took a short pass 47 yards. Clinton Portis had a 74 yard catch and run. Matt Schobel went for 60 yards for the Eagles, and a quick pass to Bryant Johnson resulted in a 54 yard gain.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
That wasn't the same Mark Brunell who sprayed the ball all over the place the first two weeks. After being unable to make a first down against the Cowboys, Brunell set an NFL record by completing his first 22 passes. I know it was against Houston but it still counts. At least 15 of these passes were within 5 yards of the line of scrimmage but maybe Al Saunders has finally gotten smart and stopped asking Brunell to do too much. Santana Moss (50 yards) and Antwaan Randle-El (34) are talented receivers who can take short passes and make them into long gains. Brunell completed a combined 10 passes for 54 yards to Ladell Betts, Chris Cooley and Mike Sellers. Jacksonville's defense will likely prove a much tougher opponent next week.

Cheerleader of the Week
Brandi from the New Orleans Saints squad, the Saintsations. The Saintsations have a very good looking squad but a horrible team page. But I went with her anyway because it was a big week for New Orleans. Brandi likes spaghetti, the Real World and Bruce Almighty. She's a 20 year old student with really big tits.


Game of the Week
Colts 21 Jaguars 14. This was another big game for the Colts and Peyton Manning because every time some team bubbles up with one good game they think they can blitz Manning and get him off his rhythm. The Jags controlled the ball for almost the entire first half, but still couldn't keep the Colts from taking a 14 point lead late into the fourth quarter. Jacksonville's late touchdown meant nothing.

Game to Watch
Seattle at Chicago. The Bears have a chance to take a big step towards home field advantage in the playoffs if they can capitalize on the injury to Shawn Alexander. If they can stop Maurice Morris, they will force Hasselbeck to throw, which could mean a lot of turnovers.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
Seattle would beat Indianopolis 31-21. I'm basing this segment on whichever teams are having the best season so far but I cannot in good conscience say the Colts will win the Super Bowl while Peyton Manning is still their quarterback.

I Guess That's Why They Call Them the Runs

Did anyone see Penn State Coach Joe Paterno sprinting off the field during the Penn State-Ohio State game? He tried to come back but had to leave the field again. He claims he had a "bug" during the week. I think he had diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Everyone Hates Tim McCarver

Pizza Parlor Derek and I have long despised Tim McCarver, mainly for his horrid attempts to seem witty. A show on his own network, "Family Guy" spoofed McCarver, but didn't quite hit the nail on the head.


45 malpractice claims have been filed against Sheldon Burman a doctor at the Male Sexual Dysfunction Clinic in Chicage. Now the state of Illinois has moved to revoke his medical license.
The problem, his penis enlargement procedures have left patients with deformed penises.
An attorney for a man who underwent a penis-enlargement procedure at Burman's clinic in 2003 said the doctor left his client with an organ "that doesn't even resemble a penis. It's absolutely grotesque."
Burman stands by every penis surgery he has performed since entering the field in 1981, saying patients who end up with deformed penises do not follow proper aftercare procedures.


Tonight's Saints-Falcons game will be the highest rated program in the history of ESPN.

Fresh and Hot at the Pizza Parlor

Pizza Parlor Derek is out with his first week's Pizza Parlor Index. The results may surprise you, especially because Indiana is #1, but by the time the schedule toughens up (say in about 3 weeks) the cream will rise to the crop and the PPI will be a common sense look at who's hot and who's not in college football. Or Indiana will be #1 all season and we'll call Derek and idiot. Either one is fine with me.

Derek was also hard at work coming up with a review of the latest episode of "The Office." You can read his "A Michael Scott Joint" every Friday, until he gets lazy and falls three episodes behind. Enjoy it while you can.

The Sordid Tale of Zach Randolph

Portland Trail Blazers forward Zach Randolph recently was cleared of sexual assault and prostitution charges. Here is a rough account of what the Portland DA believes happened that night:

Randolph paid two women $500 (total, not each) to perform a live sex show for him and a friend in his hotel room. Woman A (we'll call her Alice) agreed to perform the sex show with Woman B (we'll call her Bertha) because she "needed the money."

Bertha is Randolph's frequent sex partner and Randolph often asks her to perform sex shows with other women. Bertha says the agreement was for Alice to perform oral sex on her, Alice says she was only required to simulate the act, therefore it's not prostitution because the act was simulated.

It also explains why Randolph was dissatisfied with the show. After the show Alice engaged in consensual sex with Randolph's friend (we'll call him Love, because that's his name). After sex with Love she fell asleep or "passed out." She awoke to find Randolph trying to stick it in her ass. She slapped him away a couple times and he stopped. Randolph then put Alice on the counter and had vaginal sex with her, even though Alice claims she was shaking her head to say "no."

Alice did admit to being extremely intoxicated, having consumed three cocktails and three double shots of tequila (presumably Patron).

Bertha did not witness any of this because she was physically ill from intoxication and spent about two and a half hours in the bathroom.

Love, who is a barber, met Randolph five years ago and became part of the "'Hoop Family' a group of associates who spend a great deal of time with Randolph." Yes, that is a direct quote from the report.

Love says he frequently shares sex partners with Randolph. He had never met Alice before that night and didn't know about their sex show deal. He didn't see the sex show because he was too busy setting up music on his laptop. He does admit to banging Alice. After he was done with Alice, he saw Randolph start fucking her and claims it was consensual. Then he decided to join them.

Then money got involved and it started to get complicated, but Randolph did eventually give Bertha $500 to give to Alice. Alice also admitted to a third woman (Bertha's roommate) that Love and Randolph did a train on her.

Alice went three days later for a medical exam, but that was too late to get any evidence. All she had was her word. And that didn't stand up.