Friday, May 25, 2007

Did She Call The Shit Poop?

A woman in Colorado was acquitted of using poop for illicit purposes.

Kathleen Ensz left dog poop on the doorstep of the office of Congresswoman Marilyn Musgrave.

Ensz never denied leaving the poop, which she placed in a Musgrave campaign brochure, but she called it a political statement, "Marilyn Musgrave's politics stink."

Her lawyers claim "she was the first person prosecuted for leaving dog crap."

I say as long as it's not flaming poop, which poses an immediate danger to people and shoes, I have no problem with poop as political statement. If the Bill of Rights grants us the right to bear arms, the right to bear poop should be included as well.

Hancock's Father Sues

It must be hard when your son dies, and it's essentially his own fault. The father of Josh Hancock is suing everybody related to the death of his son.

He's suing Mike Shannon's Restaurant for overserving Hancock.
He's suing the driver whose car was stalled on the road for failing to move it away from oncoming traffic and for failing to put out road flares.
And he's suing the towing company whose truck Hancock crashed into. The tow truck driver stopped to assist the stalled car, the suit claims it was there for too long, it should have cleared the car sooner.

Far be it for me to tell a grieving father how to mourn, but I think Mr. Hancock would be best served if he could put the fault with his son's death where it belongs, with his son.

Pets & Babies

In our quest to prepare Diesel for the impending arrival of Baby Poop, last night Mrs. Poop and I went to a class entitled "Pets & Babies."
The class was taught by a beautiful Rhodesian Ridgeback, Logan, and his owner.

The part of the class when the instructor/trainer spoke was interesting. Most of the things were common sense but good to hear. It all boils down to making the changes that will happen when the baby comes, before the baby comes, so the dog doesn't resent the baby. If the dog sleeps in your bed, stop that now. If he sits in your lap, make him sit next to you. If you have to move his bowl, move it now. Our problem is that Diesel loves to sleep in what will be the baby's room, because it has western exposure (late day sunlight), and it's basically an empty room in which he can relax. We can't allow him in there alone when the baby is sleeping, so we have to start weaning him off that room now.

After the presentation the class degenerated into a discussion of everyone's bad dog. Basically they made Diesel look like an angel. About four other people had labs, one ate three bags of Easter candy, one was a gift to a woman who seemingly hates the dog, one can't ride in the car.

Here's an example of how crazy these pregnant women are. One woman asked for suggestions about how to get her dog and baby to ride in the car together.

Try a harness.
We tried that once and the dog hated it.
Put the dog in the back of your SUV.
Nope, the dog likes to have it's head near a window.
Keep the dog in the front seat.
Nope, the dog is too big.

So the dog can't ride in the front seat, the back seat or the rear of the SUV. I guess all that's left is to make her run alongside the car.

A couple people had cats. I hate cats. And as much as Mrs. Poop enjoyed it, I really couldn't care less about the problems of these dumb pregnant ladies and their poorly trained dogs.

The best part of the class was Logan. He was lying down in the front popping his head up every once in a while for a treat. As we were walking out we stopped to pet him, and he ripped the biggest dog fart ever. Worse than anything Diesel's ever done.

jusTON's Wet Dream

Stacey Keibler teamed with Jessie Cooper at a recent beach volleyball event, but lost, 21-7, 21-11, to the duo of Montana Curtis and Juliana Evens.

Keibler, enjoyed a surge in the second game when she and Cooper fought back from a 17-4 deficit to 20-11, but their rally at match point fell short.

It was a new experience for Keibler, who last spent time on the volleyball court in gym class.

How's her form?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Hasn't She Ever Seen Friends?

A Maryland women is distraught after authorities seized her pet monkey.

Elyse Gazewitz treated Armani like any other baby. She fed him from a bottle, wheeled him around in a stroller and diapered him. She even built a $4,000 addition on her house for the 4-pound capuchin monkey and outfitted it with tire swings, toys and a small hammock.

But Montgomery County animal control officials said Armani is an illegal resident under Maryland law. They seized him last week.

A new state law forbids anyone from importing, selling, breeding or having a "non-human primate," including monkeys. The law made an exception for animals that were owned before May 31, 2006, but officials said Armani wasn't even born until December.

Gazewitz said officials are wrong, and she's fighting to get her monkey back. She said she can prove Armani was born and purchased in May of last year.

She says they are threatening to euthanize Armani if she doesn't pay $1300 a month. She is not allowed to call to check on him. They never asked about Armani's routine or his eating habits. Armani is going to be thrown off because he likes to watch TV and he was just learning his colors. When they came to get Armani they handcuffed the woman and kicked her dog.

Going Apeshit

An orangutan escapes from his cage at a zoo in Taiwan and wreaks havoc. You have to click here to watch the youtube video because the bastards disabled embeding.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Idol Chatter

Jordin won, but I knew that all along, so that was sort of anti-climactic, especially because I missed the annoucement (more on that later).

Usually the finale is the worst episode of the season because they drag it out so much and fill it with crap. Remember when Matt Rogers and Lotoya London were at parties, and wasted off their asses?

This time they actually had some quality entertainment that I enjoyed.

The Idol awards are pretty lame but I think a lot of people don't watch the whole season and therefore miss some cool stuff. That lady in the canary yellow getup was disgusting.

I love that little kid that Simon called a bushbaby. That was 100% accurate, he looked just like it. And it was funny of Idol to sponsor one in his name. Also smart of him to say to Simon "if you hadn't said it, I wouldn't be here."

Better than whining like a baby about it.

Blake and Doug E. Fresh beat-boxing together was really cool.

Sanjaya still sucks. His version was even worse this time. It was nice that American Idol hired that actress again to play the crying girl.

Speaking of people who suck. The worst Idol ever, by far, is Taylor Hicks. That song he sang was new? It sounded like a 1970s Doobie Brothers joint.

So Carrie Underwood looked awesome when sang "I'll Stand By You." But why the hell was she wearing a cape? The stylist must have told her it looked good. And she said "people from Oklahoma don't wear capes." To which the lobbyist replied "you ain't in Checotah anymore."

The Bette Midler performance came completely out of nowhere. A washed up artist singing a 15 year old song that nobody sang on the show? I guarantee TON and Special K sobbed through the whole thing.

I enjoyed Ruben and Jordin singing "You're All I Need To Get By." But I think I would enjoy Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore singing a little Marvin and Tammy.

But the best part of the whole show was Gladys Knight with the 6 female finalist playing the role of "The Pimps." I love "Midnight Train to Georgia," it's one of my top 5 songs of all-time. I loved Gladys at the end "I GOT TO GO! I GOT TO GO!" She can still do it after all these years. I hope LaKisha records a version of the song on her album.

They got lots of celebs, including practically every Idol contestant ever. I saw Hasselhoff (who didn't cry this year), David Allan Grier, Jerry Springer, Jeff Foxworthy and Jim Nantz. Ok, I didn't see Nantz but I heard him on the radio talking about going, which sort of proves my point about him.

I sort of felt bad scanning through the song by the African kids.

Kelly Clarkson is pissed off. She was a little scary. And why was she hopping during her song with the Aerosmith guy?

But she wasn't as pissed off as Mrs. Poop. We were watching on about a 10 minute delay on DVR and because it ran over by about 10 minutes we missed the announcement. If I hadn't kept pausing it to make fun of people, or flipping over to watch the Mets with the bases loaded, we would have caught up to live TV. We didn't miss much, though we did have to find out the winner from the blogs.

A Waste of Beer

Evidently, the big thing to do at the Preakness is to run on top of the urinals with people firing beer cans at you. Seems pretty stupid to me but the video is funny enough. Especially when the dudes fall.

Only Staten Island

Things at New Springville Little League have gone downhill since Papa Poop was coaching me and or Master Bates. I remember every year we practiced sliding before the season, and always feet first.

A woman from the Meiers Corners section of Staten Island is suing the New Springville Little League and two of the league's coaches over injuries that her son suffered while sliding into second base three years ago.

Jean Gonzalez alleges that her son Martin, who was 12 at the time, was not properly taught how to slide, resulting in injuries when he slid into second after trying to stretch a single into a double in a league game.

According to court papers, Martin suffered "serious" bodily injuries which required surgery, however no specifics were laid out.

The suit was recently filed in state Supreme Court, St. George, and names as defendants the New Springville Little League; the boy's manager, Leigh Bernstein; Little League Baseball Incorporated and "John Doe," a fictitious name for the unidentified first-base coach. The amount of monetary damages sought is not specified.

The Gonzalez's allege the defendants "placed [Martin] at great risk of injury" by failing to properly teach him how to slide. They further contend the defendants did not keep the base paths "in good order and repair" and failed to warn the boy of their "dangerous condition."

I believe Nails once injured his hand during a game at New Springville Little League but I don't think he ever sued for being a dumbass.

Work Crew At the State Penn

Joe Paterno is so pissed that six of his players got arrested for being involved in a fight that he is going to make them clean up the stadium after games this fall.

He said he will have his entire team help clean up Beaver Stadium every Sunday after home games this season -- a task usually taken on for pay by PSU club sport athletes who use the money to fund their teams. This fall, according to Paterno, they won't have to do it; his guys will. And the money will still funnel to club sport coffers:

"We're all going to do it. Everybody. Not just the kids that were involved. 'Cause we're all in it together. This is a team embarrassment. I wouldn't call it anything much other than that."

How To Make Love To a Mets Fan

A few female sports fans run a blog called "Ladies..." They are running a 6-part series on how to score with a female fan of your choice. The Mets version is actually kind of funny.

Stripping For Credit

We've all heard of girls who strip to pay college tuition, and definitely girls who work at Hooters to pay for extras like books and booze, but one girl actually got class credit for stripping.
Jenny Heineman at the University of Nebraska-Omaha went to work as a stripper at a local strip club called 20's (stop by if you're ever in Omaha).
She did everything the rest of the girls do, she danced on stage, she did dances, she became a stripper.
Then she wrote her thesis about it. The paper got a B.

I'm sure you want to see what Jenny looks like so you can watch the video from the local station in Nebraska.

Song Of The Week

"Outta My System" - Bow Wow featuring T-Pain
I really think Bow Wow is awesome, even when he was just Lil Bow Weezy doing joints with Big Bow Weezy (Snoop Dogg). But since them he's done some great songs with Jagged Edge, Ciara (and he fucked her too) as well as other songs of his own.
T-Pain seems to be the man of the moment, taking over for Akon singing background for everybody. Of course, he's the man behind Mrs. Poop's favorite song.
He's also on this week's bonus jam "Flirt" by R. Kelly.
My favorite part is when R. Kelly lists things women like about him, "I'm black, handsome, I sing, plus I'm rich."
Then I think what if I sang this song. "I'm white, ugly, I blog, plus I'm broke."

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Idol Chatter

The season is basically over. No more singing. We have one more way overdone two hour episode to look forward to, then nothing until next January.

I really enjoyed Blake's version of "You Give Love A Bad Name." I thought it was even better this time. Like he took it back to the lab and worked on it and made it better than the last time. This was definitely the best performance of the night, maybe of the whole season.

bad name b-b-b-b-b scratch bad name

It was cool that Jordin tried to sing "Fighter." I think the biggest complaint about her was that she always seemed too old. At least she gave it a shot to try to act younger, but I really don't think you can sing this song if you're not wearing assless chaps. And her mannerisms were sort of weird, at one point she was clawing at her hair. Strange.

thanks for making me fighter

I think the problem with Blake was shown when he sang Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved." He just isn't that great of a singer. When he sings without beat boxing, or dancing, or changing the song, he's very ordinary. Plus I didn't like his song choice. If he was going to go with a gay song by an effeminate sounding artist he should have sang "You're Beautiful." He would have gotten every female vote.

Jordin's performance of "Broken Wing" was boring.

Then that last song, the American Idol original composition. Also boring. That song is always sort of hokey and inspirational. But Jordin definitely did sing it better than Blake. But I don't think that song is going to get stuck in my head like the first Idol song.

"A Moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime."

Glad to see that Paula was not deterred by her broken nose. Strange that she sort of refused comment. She looked totally drugged up. Even more than usual. Seacrest's "so this bitch is fine" remark was very funny. But I can only imagine millions of parents laughing hysterically trying not to have to explain it to their kids.

What the fuck was up with Randy's jacket? He looked like a drum major in a marching band.

My DVR cut off before Daughtry, but I did see Paula saying "Chris, I love you" while Seacrest was asking them for predictions.

I think they overstate the importance of this show has it relates to the impact on voting. It's not like a presidential election, there are no undecided votes. At this point you like Jordin or Blake, and you vote or you don't vote. Maybe the hardcore Melinda fans will the swing voters. Not sure about that.

But I stand by the prediction I've been making for weeks. On April 11, I predicted Jordin and Blake in the final but said Blake would win. The following week, I started to change my mind and by April 25, I said Jordin would win and Blake would be the runner-up. I still feel that way.

I Wonder If She Was Drunk At the Time

"Paula Abdul broke her nose after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua.

Abdul was recovering from the mishap and will appear on "American Idol" Tuesday and its season finale Wednesday.

She tore cartilage on her nose and fractured her toe.

"I took a nasty fall ... trying not to hurt my dog. I bruised myself on my arm ... my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip," Abdul said.

The dog was not hurt."

I can't wait to see how Paula looks on the finale. I'm sure this isn't the first time her nose has been broken. But maybe the first time without anestesia.

My dog is 20 times the size of Tulip and he's constantly in my way, but I've never tripped over him and fallen and broke a bunch of bones. My guess is that Paula was heavily medicated at the time.

One of these three is tulip, I'm not sure which one

Bad Omen?

A black cat rolled out of a mat at Shea Stadium Sunday and may have reversed the fortunes of the two teams playing.

My favorite part is the slow motion replay when the cat gets flung in the air by the mat, and his legs got nuts like Wile E. Coyote's for just a second.

In 1969, at Shea Stadium a black cat made its way onto the field and crossed in front of the Cubs' Ron Santo in the on deck circle.

After that incident on September 9, the Mets went to on to win the division by 9 games and win the World Series. The Cubs haven't been in the World Series since.

As Tony Kornheiser said on PTI, he's not sure if it's a good omen for the Mets, but it's definitely a good omen for the kitten.

Two Birds With One Stone

Join the mile high club and not get jet lagged.

"Hamsters given Pfizer Viagra adapted more quickly to changes in their internal clocks.

Hamsters given sildenafil, the chemical name of the drug sold as Viagra, adapted more easily to altered patterns of light exposure to simulate changes caused by air travel across time zones. Long-haul travel desynchronizes the body's alignment to the day-night cycle, leading to the disorientation of jet lag.

A person traveling east experiences difficulty falling asleep and awakening; a person traveling west falls asleep and awakes earlier. Viagra helped the hamsters with eastward travel.

Hamsters are the species of choice for studies of circadian rhythms because they have precise patterns, which are easily measured by watching when they run on their exercise wheels.

The researchers synchronized the hamsters to a 24-hour day by simulating light-dark cycles. Once the hamsters adjusted to a cycle, they shifted the light-dark phases forward six hours. One group of hamsters was given saline; the other was given Viagra. The hamsters given Viagra got used to the change four days faster, on average, than their counterparts given a placebo. "

Makes sense since Viagra is designed to keep you up.

Guess Where This Happened?

The following is a news article with some key phrases Xed out. At the end I will reveal.

An arrest of a teacher at xxxxxxx High School has taken the community by surprise.

"Like you, we're obviously shocked and dismayed at the allegations," said xxxxxx Schools Superintendent Terrance Brewer.

Kirk Hellwig, a 37-year-old social studies teacher, was arrested by Police Monday morning. Hellwig is charged with engaging in a sexual act with a 16-year-old male student on school grounds and during school hours.

Students reported rumors of the relationship to the principal on Thursday. Hellwig has worked for the school district since 1999 as an American history and government teacher with no prior complaints.

Helwig was released on bail and appears in court later this week. He was suspended from all his duties in the school district. Brewer said the students' safety will be the district's top priority, especially after the arrest."

The male-male student teacher relationship happened at...........................Columbia High School in East Greenbush, New York. Pa Beers must be so proud of his alma mater.

Meadow's Back

Sopranos Spoilers (don't read if you haven't seen the episode):

Glad they finally gave Meadow a big part. That cream on the chin remark was hilarious.

I'd like to tuck her in too

The restaurant where Tony avenged those remarks was John's Restaurant on the Lower East Side. Kate's cousin's wedding reception was there in January.

AJ is the most pathetic character in the history of television. I was hoping they would let him drown because I'm so sick of his whining. I did like the reminiscing back to the very first season and one of my favorite lines "what kind of animal smokes marijuana at his own confirmation?"

I'm surprised they continued discussing Tony's vision in the desert and that he was bragging about using peyote. I just don't get the connection. And I thought the explanation about the mother and the bus was very weak.

The show takes a week of then returns with two, hopefully very memorable episodes.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Legless Chihuahua

The North Shore Animal League in Long Island rescued three chihuahua puppies, all of whom were born without front legs.

Venus de milo

Melo Not Wanted

According to our spy in Denver, Amber, Melo's new mansion "is in the Columbine Country Club area. Everyone in this neighborhood belongs to Columbine Country Club. Carmelo tried to join and was given a big NO! The members don’t want the club to have that image."