Friday, February 20, 2009

What Do You Give Me For? Amy Adams and Isla Fisher

I just learned Amy Adams and Isla Fisher are not the same person. And only one of them is married to Borat.
And I have no idea which is which in the below picture.

Note: Anyone giving this a grade lower than 10 is kindly asked explain your reasoning in the comments section. It is also recommended you get your eyes checked and stop reading this blog. We don't want your kind here.

Jessica Biel Simulates Fellatio

Do I know how to write headlines or what? Who wouldn't look at this picture after reading that?
Apparently this picture was taken on the set of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and someone had a sausage link just laying around.
So Jessica Biel got down on her knees and pretended she was about to blow the lucky piece of meat.

jessica biel fakes giving a blow job to a sausage

From Melons to Peanuts

Peanuts can be a very hard word to say on television because if you don't annunciate, it might sound like you are saying something else. I've heard anchors and reporters screw this up several times, but none as sexy as Zain Verjee:

Zain is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in person. I've often said when Neandrathals were drawing pictures on walls in caves, they were drawing Zain Verjee. She's about 5-foot-10 and very curvy, which led to this comment by Kyra Phillips:

And Zain also has a great sense of humor which is why following that incident she appeared next time holding a couple of melons.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Paulo's Book Club: "Boys Will be Boys"

"'Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about players' wives...It got to the point of ejaculation."

And Charles Haley is just one of the interesting character Jeff Pearlman introduces us to in "Boys Will be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty."

Boys Will be Boys by Jeff Pearlman

The book’s central character is Michael Irvin. His arrival coincided with the team’s ascent and his demise mirrored the organization’s fall. Irvin is portrayed as the playground bully. If you didn’t follow him he punched you in the face, but if you stuck with him he’d give you the two hottest groupies in the bar, before choosing the ones he was taking to his room to perform lesbian sex shows. Irvin was the central protagonist, defining the Cowboys with his arrogance and his party hard, play harder ethos. It was Irvin who took over the Cowboys charity basketball team, Irvin who was among those behind the White House and Irvin who fractured the team when he stabbed offensive line Everett McIver in the neck with scissors.

Aside from Irvin, the action in the book revolves around Jerry Jones and his two coaches. Jimmy Johnson is portrayed as a dick who cuts players just to send a message to his team. He treated everyone like shit and wanted all the credit for the team’s success. And that’s what pissed off Jerry Jones who thought anyone could win the Super Bowl with his team, and that’s exactly what Barry Switzer did. But Switzer is portrayed as a bad coach, who delegated everything and never disciplined anyone (with good reason, as you’ll learn) though the lack of discipline is what’s blamed for bringing down the Cowboys dynasty.

Troy Aikman is the golden boy who got pissed when his teammates weren’t working hard enough. Emmitt Smith is a minor player who his teammates hated because he only cared about his stats. Deion Sanders was a lazy hired gun who refused to tackle during practice or study film during meetings. And Alvin Haper was Freaky Harp, banging more groupies than anyone.

But that’s about it as far as lascivious details go. There are no great stories of unusual sex-capades with cadres of groupies. Just mentions that just being a Cowboy was enough to get any of the long-legged, large breasted women in Dallas to want to sleep with you, even if you were a backup safety. And the Cowboys loved their drugs and women just as much as the women loved them.

And eventually it became their downfall.

This book is a definite read for any sports fan who remembers those Cowboy teams (with envy or with fondness) and enjoys getting a real look at athletes (Pearlman pulls no punches, insulting even some of the guys who were his best sources) and the lives they lead off the field.

Let That Be a Lesson To You

I like Tiger Woods more and more everyday. The guy pretty much has the perfect life.
I mean, don't they look happy?
And you'll note he has two kids, not 14, and he has dogs, not chimpanzees.

The Woods family photo

Tiger and Elin unveiling their new baby, Charlie Axel Woods, in a similar manner to the way in which they released photos of their daughter, Sam Alexis.

Like a Fart in the Wind

The last piece of Shea Stadium was knocked down yesterday.
And just like that, the home of some of my fondest childhood memories is gone. And it'll be a parking lot by midseason.

Shea Stadium demolition

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Song of the Week

"I Like to Move It" - Reel 2 Real
A classic dance track from the early 90s.

The song was used to great effect in "Madagascar."

It was so popular with kids that they brought it out again for "Madagascar 2" only this time they thought it would be cool to have that hack Will.I.Am remix it. They were wrong.

More Lascivious Details About the 86 Mets

If you didn't get enough in "The Bad Guys Won" you can get even more dirt about the best team in the history of baseball in a new book by Darryl Strawberry.

In "Straw: Finding My Way," due out in April, Darryl describes the 86 Mets:

"We were the boys of summer. The drunk, speed-freak, sneaking-a-smoke boys of summer...[An] infamous rolling frat party . . . drinking, drugs, fights, gambling, groupies."

Beer "was the foundation of our alcoholic lifestyle," he writes. "We hauled around more Bud than the Clydesdales. The beer was just to get the party started and maybe take the edge off the speed and coke."

The team's mantra on the road, he writes, was to "tear up your best bars and nightclubs and take your finest women...The only hard part for us was choosing which hottie to take back to your hotel room. Lots of times you...picked two or three."

Although he doesn't name names, Strawberry relates how team members picked out girls from the stands for quickies. He once watched a pitcher march a frisky fan to a private room for oral sex: "I was jealous. When I saw her heading back to her seat, I gave her a sign. She smiled, turned right back around, and met me in that same little room...I had to be quick and run back out on the field."

SCZA wants to know how its possible for a guy to have a quickie between innings. I think it's possible if he made the last out of the previous inning, he has about 2 minutes between innings, plus the whole time his team is up (maybe he asks the guys to take some pitches or step out), that should give him a total of 8 to 10 minutes which should be more than enough. Obviously a starting pitcher on his off day and a DH or even a bench player, are the best candidates to receive in game blow jobs, but I think a position player could make it work.

Furious George

This New York Post headline was too good to pass up, especially consider the great history the word "furious" has among Poopheads.

Furious George

The headline refers to the horrible story of Travis, a 200-pound chimp who had lived for years as a pet of a woman in Stamford, Connecticut until it freaked out attacked his owner's friend.
Sandy Herold says Travis attacked her friend, mauling the woman's face and damn near killing her, before she stabbed Travis repeatedly to get him to stop.
Police came and eventually shot and killed Travis.

Travis was well known around Stamford because he rode around in the truck belonging to Herold's towing company.

In 2003, a man threw something in Herold's truck that struck Travis. The chimp unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the door and ran out after the man, but did not catch him.

Travis took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a stemmed glass. He also brushed his teeth using a Water Pik.

But maybe the one thing about Travis that should have foretold this incident, Travis loved the Yankees.

Aside from appearing in Coca Cola and Old Navy TV commercials, he appeared once on the "Maury Povich Show" and was in a TV pilot.

Cute Picture of the Octuplets

Octo-mom's baby belly

Did I forget to mention it was from before they were born? Oops!

Here's an authentic cute picture. This is Malia. Remember, it's not the kids' fault.

Malia Suleman

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Is That Really the Best Way to Distinguish These Fighters?

I was watching Affliction: Day of Reckoning and noticed several times during the fight, announcer Jimmy Smith had trouble describing Josh Barnett and Gilbert Yvel. He said "both fighters in black and red trunks, Yvel in the looser-fitting trunks."

Are we that politically correct that we can't say Barnett is the white guy, Yvel is the black guy?

Hot Jew

I know I'm really late on this but I couldn't let this one pass without offering. The covergirl of SI's new Swimsuit Issue is Jewish.
Bar Rafaeli was born in Israel and she represents Jewish women everywhere very nicely. Except for the fact that she's banging that dweeb Leo DiCraprio.
The other questionable thing about her is that she reportedly engaged in some trickery to get out of the military service which is mandatory for all Israeli citizens.
But with tits like those I think she's doing the country of Israel a greater service in her current capacity as goodwill ambassador.

Monday, February 16, 2009

What the Hell is an OrangeOut?

For the big game against rival Georgetown ("your mother's a hoya") Syracuse declared an Orangeout. I've seen schools do a Blackout and I even bought a new shirt for a Whiteout at Ohio State.
But at this point it's a little derivative, plus, there's no such thing as an Orangeout.
But the Dome did look pretty cool with 30,000 people wearing orange.

If You're Into That Sort of Thing

Thanks to President Obama and his big speech last Monday night, CBS had to rearrange its schedule at the last minute, pulling the plug on a new episode of "How I Met Your Mother" and delaying it until March 2nd.
But the episode was leaked online.
I've posted it here for those of you who can't wait, don't wanna wait or love the allure of the forbidden.
As for me, I will wait two more weeks to watch it so Mrs. Poop and I can enjoy it without smushing our faces together like slutty girls in their Facebook pictures. Even though our computer monitor is pretty big.
Anyway, if you choose to watch "The Stinsons" constrain your commentary to a cursory nature so as not to ruin the episode for those choosing to wait (like non-slutty girls).