Friday, November 23, 2007

Pokes, Slips and Peek-Throughs

Although we hate them, the folks at BarStoolSports did put together and impressive gallery of famous nipples - NSFW.

I Hope She's in a Brothel Right Now

If Natalee Holloway did in fact get kidnapped and enslaved to work in a Colombian brothel, I bet she is making her captors a lot of money, because she is pretty hot. Now that may sound crude, but isn't it better to be a hooker than to be dead? At least if she's banging tourists for money someone might recognize her and lead to her freedom, if she's dead, that's much worse.
But as much as I'm rooting for someone to find Natalee whoring herself out, I don't think that's what happened to her.
I think she got drunk at Carlos N Charlie's in Aruba and met a guy she liked, Joran VanderSloot. VanderSloot wanted to fuck her, but only if his two loser Indian buddies could get a piece too. They took her to a beach and they drugged her or did something to her while triple teaming her, which resulted in her death. They called VanderSloot's father, a judge, and he helped them hide the body and got some help from some people in the legal system to slow the investigation down, giving them enough time to hide the evidence. Murder is very hard to prove without a body.

But I think the three killers may have fucked up. I think their phones were being tapped and the new evidence that led to their recent arrests is phone conversations they had with each other about the crime.

looking for Natalee Holloway at the bar where she was last seen

The Mets Don't Learn

It seems that the Mets are content to spend this offseason acquiring mediocre old players instead of getting better or younger.
First the Mets resigned Moises Alou for $9 million, hoping he can play 100 games.
Then they gave $25 million to Luis Castillo who can't hit and can't run, and made big errors last year when his defense was supposed to help steady the sinking ship.
When they failed to get mediocre offensive catcher Yorvit Torrealba, the Mets instead traded for mediocre catcher Johnny Estrada.
While none of these are terrible moves (especially because we got rid of Mota), together they give me the impression that the Mets are not going to be better next year than they were this year.
And they are going to continue with their maddening refusal to give a young player a chance to play.
If the next move is signing Carlos Silva to fill up the back end of the rotation with a 14-14 record and a 5.00 ERA, I'm going to be furious.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Joba in the Box

Papa Poop and I were doing our monthly ritual of opening some baseball cards when we struck gold in a box of 2007 Bowman Chrome.
He got very excited when he pulled a Joba Chamberlain rookie autograph. The card came out late in the season right when Joba was hot, creating a flurry of activity for it, because at the time no other company had a Joba card.

But I did even better, pulling a red refractor Chris Carter. Bowman Chrome has several different versions of its cards. There is the regular card, a refractor (numbered to 500), an Xfractor (225), blue refractor (150), gold refractor (50), orange refractor (25), red refractor (5) and superfractor (1). So they only made 5 versions of the card I got. Red refractors are so rare Beckett doesn't even list a price on them. And who the hell is Chris Carter? At the time I didn't know but he is a slugging first baseman in the White Sox system who is considered a top prospect. Carter's regular card is worth $3, meaning his red refractor is worth at least 100 times that.

After discussion with Master Bates and Papa Poop we decided to put both of the cards for sale on eBay.

More Sextuplets

Another set of sextuplets was born, this time in Florida, on September 1st, two months early. And though the kids are almost as old as Chase, the last one just came home from the hospital on November 21st.
I've already expressed my feelings about sextuplets but I wanted to share these pictures of the Byler Bunch.

There are five boys, Charlie Craig, Jackson Robert, Brady Christopher, Eli Benjamin, and Ryan Patrick, and one girl, MacKenzie Margaret. She is in the middle wearing the onesie that says "I'm the little sister."

Rowdy Jets Fans

Gate D is the place to be at halftime of Jets games. The New York Times reports that lonely, horny Jets fans (is there any other kind), congregate in the spiral ramp at Gate D and shout at women to show their tits.
During Sunday's halftime "show" one woman appeared ready to show her stuff but she faked the funk. When she walked away, they threw plastic beer bottles at her and spit in her general direction.
Denisse Rivera, a 23-year-old from the Bronx, was on a first date Sunday. When she arrived at the crowd at Gate D, several men pointed at her, signaling men at all levels to chant in her direction. After a brief moment of hesitation, she flashed them. Then she took a bow.
“I don’t care,” Rivera said when told that video clips of previous incidents, taken on cellphones, ended up online. “I love my body and I like what I have, so let everybody share it.”
That's a great way to impress your date. Show 500 guys your tits, that'll make him jealous.
The article says that clips of these incidents are available on youtube, but every clip I found has been removed.
Here is the CBS report which shows some of the (edited) clips.

This site seems to be the source for a lot of this content, and it has the videos posted now on Google video. But here are some stills from Gate D.

T-I-T-S tits, tits, tits
This is what happens at a Gate D party at Giants Stadium
Jets fans show their tits

Sexiest Sportscaster

Playboy is currently hosting its second Sexiest Sportscaster poll, Jill Arrington won the first. Judging by the cast of characters (all good looking women), this is going to be a runaway for Erin Andrews (Playboy isn't providing the standings). But there is one contestant who puts Erin Andrews to shame, Poker Princess Shana Hiatt. If Shana had as much exposure as Erin Andrews does, she'd win in a landslide. But some exposure she does have, a previous appearance on Playboy's cover. Wouldn't you rather vote for a winner who you might actually see naked?

Working girl
I love the tropical island episodes

And if you need further proof, check out these NSFW pictures of Shana's tits before and after she got implants.
Please don't misunderstand, I love Erin Andrews, I think she is very hot, but she's no Shana Hiatt.

Before voting remember that this is a who's sexier contest, not a popularity contest. And please don't hold it against Shana if you don't think poker is a sport.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

CB Meets BC

If there's anyone I've been friends with as long as The Concierge, it's BC. And BC and I also went to the same college and we were even roommates for 2 years. And we're still friends. He lives in Virginia now shepherding Jews through their college years but during a visit home he stopped by to meet Chase. Of course he was accompanied by the lovely LC, but Chase was being kind of cranky so we weren't able to get a good picture of her and Chase.

Weekly Picks

My first losing week in over a month wasn't a disaster because the Patriots pounded the Bills. We're posting the picks early because I plan to feast on all three Thanksgiving games.

green bay -3 1/2 DETROIT
The Lions are not a good team. They have a good record, but they are not a good team. The Packers on the other hand are a really good team that continues to fly under the radar when it comes to the huge spreads a lot of the other top teams are up against every week. Do not believe that the Lions always come to play on Thanksgiving. I've seen them get killed. But I do know Brett Favre usually shines brightest on the big stages.

DALLAS -14 new york jets
What I wouldn't give to get this spread down by 1/2 a point. The Jets are not going to follow their win against the Steelers with a win against the Cowboys on the road, that is not going to happen. So now we're asking, how much will they lose by? I think the Cowboys can stop the Jets run which would put more pressure on Kellen Clemens. Remember Clemens didn't have a big passing game against the Steelers, he made the plays, but the running game carried them. Dallas will definitely be able to put up a lot of points on the Jets but they basically need to take a 24 point lead for me to start to feel comfortable.

indianapolis -11 1/2 ATLANTA
I know injuries have crippled the Colts and I know the Falcons have perked up lately, but both teams "are who we thought they were." The Colts are still really good, the Falcons are still really bad and the two teams are being quarterbacked by Peyton Manning and Joey Harrington. When you put it that way it seems like the spread should be more than it is.

CLEVELAND -3 1/2 houston
The Browns needed a lucky break to beat the Ravens but I'm shocked they're only laying 3 1/2 against the lowly Texans. I will almost always pick against a bad team coming off a win. I know the Texans have Schaub and Andre Johnson back but I don't think that's enough to keep up with the Browns offense. I expect a lot of points, something like 31-27 Browns.

Best Bet
NEW ENGLAND -21 philadelphia eagles

I think this might be the week the Patriots don't cover a huge spread. I've been quietly confident every other week the spread has been double digits but I'm very uneasy about 21. First of all, I think the primetime NBC performance against the Bills cost me the Patriots tax I was talking about a few weeks ago. Second of all, it looks like the Eagles may be without Donovan McNabb. Either way this is a problem because I think A.J. Feeley is pretty good, and if McNabb starts I know he's pretty good. But I am determined to stick with the Patriots at least until Week 16 when they've clinched everything.

Last Week: 2-3 (3 points)
Season so far: 30-25 (33 points - tied for 4th, 2 points out of 1st)
Best bet: 1-0 (7-4)
Home favorites: 0-1 (10-6)
Home underdogs: 0-0 (3-0)
Road favorites: 2-1 (14-11)
Road underdogs: 0-1 (3-8)

Will People Ever Learn?

I think by now most people in the U.S. and around the world have heard that this country was attacked on September 11, 2001. And though it was more than 6 years ago I don't think too many people forgot. I also think most people know that after that happened some new rules were created to prevent people from bringing potentially dangerous items onto a plane. If you know nothing else, you know those two things. And even if you haven't flown in 6 years, if you're about to get on a flight, you should look into what you can and cannot bring on a plane.

So how do you explain this? These two pictures show items recently confiscated from passengers at Newark Airport in New Jersey.

I can understand the wine and the water. But nunchucks? Who brings nunchucks on a plane? A wrench? In your carry-on baggage? I think the assholes who had daggers and fake guns in their bags should have been taken off the line, strip searched and put on a terror watch list. I'm not kidding. If anyone is going to be harrassed by airport security it should be the assholes who bring weapons with them, not the people who happen to have beards and Muslim sounding last names.
Everyone complains about airport security but maybe if fewer assholes tried to sneak shit through lines wouldn't be so long for the rest of us.

Song of the Week

"Apologize" - OneRepublic
Hauntingly beautiful.
At first I thought the lyrics were "it's too late to call the cops." I like my lyrics better and I still sing them that way. It's never too late to apologize, but sometimes it's too late to call the cops.

She's Hot But She's Not Used to Handling Balls

West Virginia University soccer player Amanda Cicchini has become an internet sensation. The last time this happened, Allison Stokke became a household name. Cicchini isn't as hot as Stokke but she has a few things going for her. First, she's a junior in college, Stokke had just turned 18 at the time. Second, she has lots of slutty photos floating around on Facebook. Third, she has a big ass.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Status of Your Favorite Shows

The LA Times has a very comprehensive grid detailing the current status of basically every show on television.
They also suggest that some shows will go into reruns in December because viewership is low, and the networks will save new episodes until January, in case the strike continues.
But because of that, no one can say when a show is going to run out of new episodes.
It looks like How I Met Your Mother has 2 more episodes in the can, same for the Office.

He's a Pisser

Yesterday, on my way out the door I stopped off in the bathroom as I normally do. I used the urinal next to someone who was on the cell phone. I think he was speaking to a voicemail because he said "Did you just call me? I'm indisposed at the moment, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm in the restroom. I'm leaving now so if you need me call back in a few minutes."
Then he looked at me and said "You can never stop working."
I laughed and said "I'm never going to borrow your cellphone."
He said "Well, I didn't want her to hear the splashing and wonder where I was."

This is not the same person as the blatant pooper.

Maybe He Didn't Live Next Door To His Brother

A church in Atlanta is rocked by scandal. Turns out the church's 80 year old archbishop, Earl Paulk found the Viagra. And it also turns out that the 34 year old head pastor at that church isn't Paulk's nephew, he's actually his son. Paulk fucked his brother's wife and knocked her up. The church only found out about this because the court ordered Paulk to take a paternity test as part of a lawsuit against him. It all stemmed for a case brought against Paulk by a woman who said she was manipulated into having an affair with him because he said it was her only chance at salvation.

The NFL is Poop - Week 11

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better
A couple hours after Terrell Owens torched the Redskins (more on that later) for 173 yards and 4 touchdowns, Randy Moss scored 4 touchdowns in the first half. Pizza Parlor Derek thinks Brady and Moss watched the Dallas game and decided to one up TO and Romo. The Patriots play their next two games after the Cowboys play, so we'll have to see if it happens again. There is a frequent argument about TO and Moss, which is better, but I think either of them would be great in the right system, and destructive in the wrong one.

The Jets Have Something
Even with a shocking 19-16 win over the Steelers the Jets are 2-8 and going nowhere. But in any lost season you want to see young players develop. The Jets have a few that show promise. On defense there's Darrelle Revis who's starting to develop and David Harris. Harris has been an absolute monster in the last three games, recording 52 tackles and 2 sacks over that span. But I've been most impressed with quarterback Kellen Clemens. Even though he had a bad passing game (other than one long touchdown), Clemens still led his team to victory over a much better opponent. He also nearly led the Jets to victories over the Ravens and Redskins this season.

Kellen Clemens, the future of the Jets

Retarded Coaching Move of the Week
Mike Nolan of the San Francisco 49ers. Let's set the scene first. The 49ers are 2-7, losers of 7 straight and Trent Dilfer is their quarterback. I like Dilfer and I think if the Ravens had stuck with him instead of Elvis Grbac they'd have at least one more ring, but that's not the point. Trailing 13-6 to the St. Louis Rams, with 1:56 to play, the 49ers had 4th and 10 on the Rams 28. Nolan kicked a field goal. That left his team 1:51 to get the ball back (either by forcing a punt or turnover, or recovering an onside kick) and score a touchdown to win. If they went for it on 4th down, they would have been no more than 18 yards from a game-tying touchdown. Turns out they did get the ball back, and moved into position to score, but Trent Dilfer was intercepted.

Retarded Coaching Move of the Week - Honorable Mention
It's not just bad teams that have bad coaches. This time Super Bowl winning coach, Tony Dungy almost cost his team the game. Right after the 2 minute warning, in a 10-10 game, Dungy went for it on 4th and 1 from the 3 yard line instead of taking the lead with a field goal. The Colts made it but had to kick a field goal a few plays later anyway. Imagine if they'd come up short and ended up in OT, losing to Kansas City without touching the ball again. Dungy says he wanted to kill some more time. But he also had to worry about kicker Adam Vinatieri who missed one earlier in the game after missing two the week before against New England.

Cool Picture of the Week
Cardinals defensive back Antrel Rolle had 3 interceptions in the 35-27 win over Cincinnati, and he returned 2 for touchdowns. After one of the touchdowns Rolle did a backflip. Later in the game Rolle picked off Palmer again and returned in 71 yards for his 3rd touchdown, but it was nullified by a penalty.

Game of the Week
Cleveland 33 Baltimore 30
A week after walking off the field with their hands on their heads in disgust, Phil Dawson and Dave Zastudil raised their hands in exultation. Dawson who missed a kick last week that would have tied the game at 31, thought he missed one this week that would have tied the game at 30. But after discussion by the officials, the ball hit the upright, bounced left, hit the extension bar that connects the crossbar to the standard, and bounced back towards the field. That's a good field goal, once the ball goes all the way through, it's good, even if it bounces back. The two officials under the goal posts saw it differently, leading to a long discussion. Seemingly, the one who saw it go through then bounce back after hitting the bar, was more insistent, and he was right. Either that or the referee got some help from upstairs even though the play is not reviewable. I know Brian Billick is pissed, but they got the call right. And that's all that matters. The Browns won 33-30 in overtime.

Phil Dawson, triumphant at long last

Game of Next Week
Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions
I'm not sure if this game will tell us anything about the Packers, but Thanksgiving football is always special, which is why this game gets the nod this week. The other two Thanksgiving games, Cowboys-Jets and Colts-Falcons, should be blowouts.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Another horrible game in which the Redskins blew a lead. Once again three field goals, plus a miss, shows that Jason Campbell has trouble getting the team into the end zone. At the end of the game he couldn't make the one big play to put the Redskins on top. But the real problem in this game was the defense. The Cowboys were 8 for 13 on third down. And the Cover-2 defense evidently meant, cover 2 wide receivers and leave TO open. The same play killed them 3 times for long touchdowns. That's the problem with drafting big hitting safeties who aren't great in coverage. The Redskins must beat Tampa Bay to have any chance at the wild card.

Cheerleaders of the Week
Larisa and Marisa (twins!) from the Houston Texans
First of all, the Texans deserve praise for having the best cheerleaders website in the NFL. When you go to the page to check out the twins you will notice that you can make them dance, and you can also make them spin to check out their asses.
Larisa loves Christina Aguilera, while Marisa loves Kenny Chesney. Larisa loves "The Price is Right" but Marisa likes "Wheel of Fortune." The twins like to do everything together. Everything!
“They take their pictures together, they do appearances together, they do everything together,” cheerleader services manager Alto Gary said. “We do not split the twins up, because bad things happen when you split them up. So they must be together.”
Before games the Texans cheerleaders split up and hold up signs to get each side of the stadium to chant. One side says "Houston," and the other says "Texans!"
One time the twins were holding the signs on opposite sides of the stadium. They showed it on the scoreboard in a split screen, so it looked like two of the same face. Then Larisa and Marisa got mixed up and they forgot which sign they were holding, and disaster ensued.

If The Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England 57 Dallas 13
The Patriots just keep getting better and Dallas showed a weakness.

Monday, November 19, 2007

How I Met Your Mother - "Slapsgiving" Running Diary

7:55 - Anticipation at the Poop House is at an all-time high. We've been following the Slap Countdown for weeks and now it's down to 29 minutes. I can hardly wait. But that means the slap isn't coming until the episode is almost over.

7:59 - Chase is eating, Diesel is sleeping, Mrs. Poop is reading a Bed Bath & Beyond catalog. Let's Go!

8:01 - I am definitely going to be on the lookout for people using the words "general," "kernel [or colonel]" and "major."

8:02 - I loved Robin's Canadian pronunication of "sorry."

8:03 - That's the funniest Borat ever was.

Barney as Borat

8:05 - Did Marshall and Lily move to DoWiseTrepla or not? They're always at Ted's house.

8:07 - Mrs. Poop is using the commercial to show me all the cool things in the BBB catalog. A globe that serves drinks, a man groomer.

8:12 - Barney just said "terrrrrrrrrrrible" the way I usually do.

8:12 - I don't think the Pyramids can be seen from space, but the Great Wall of China can.

8:13 - Ted just gave 3 reasons, all of which were the "only" reason he's jealous of Bob.

8:14 - Does this end with them having sex?

8:15 - Yes it does!

8:16 - The slap is fewer than 10 minutes away.

8:18 - "I hear something burning."

8:20 - Marshall's slap countdown doesn't match mine.

8:21 - There are still stuffed mushrooms on the floor.

8:22 - The gimmick of old people talking like teenagers is not funny at all.

8:24 - Nice speech Marshall, Lily is going to lift the slap ban.

8:25 - That's nice they still go to Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily's for Thanksgiving.

8:26 - Well executed slap.

8:27 - Marshall sings like a young Neil Diamond. Update: Razor points out that the music video is available on youtube.

8:28 - I just reviewed the slap. Turns out Marshall is a lefty. Or a switch slapper.

8:30 - Happy Slapsgiving everyone!

8:31 - When the Slap Countdown ended the site took you directly to the How I Met Your Mother page.