Friday, August 08, 2008

Did Anyone Else Hear?

Ron Darling wonder which Met relief pitcher would step up and "put his finger in the dike?"
I know there is another meaning to that but Mrs. Poop and I could not stop laughing at that one.

I Guess Erin Andrews Was Really Shaken Up By All This Dress Talk

After a newspaper reporter questioned Erin Andrews integrity by pointing out the attire she wears to games may be designed to get millionaire baseball players to notice her, Andrews reacted angrily, and didn't change a thing.
This is the outfit she wore while covering the Yankees-Rangers game (you didn't think she was gonna miss a chance to get ogled by Jeter and A-Rod did you?). Unfortunately, full-length shot not available.

I Officially Hate Rampage Jackson

A pregnant woman who was injured when Quinton "Rampage" Jackson sideswiped her SUV last month has had a miscarriage.

The woman, Holli Griggs, suffered what were believed to be minor injuries in the July 15 crash, after which Jackson led police on a chase. It is not clear whether the crash directly led to the miscarriage, but her fiance, Bill Krebs, said doctors were immediately concerned when they noticed a significant loss of fluid in Griggs' womb after the accident.

Dealing with the loss of a child in this way is bad enough, but when you believe that someone's else irresponsbile actions are the cause of your pain, it must be ten times worse.

At least, Mrs. Poop and I were able to chalk it up to bad luck and move on. Whenever this couple thinks about this incident they will always get angry at Rampage.

I hope Holli Griggs gets pregnant again as soon as possible and has a happy healthy baby very soon.

Saddest Story Ever

The Mayor of Berwyn Heights, Maryland had his home invaded by a SWAT team who tied up his mother-in-law and shot and killed his two dogs, Black Labradors named Payton and Chase.
Last week, a FedEx delivery was dropped off at Cheye Calvo's house. It was addressed to his wife so he picked it up and brought it inside.
Police had been tipped off to the package when it was flagged by a bomb-sniffing dog. Now police say drug smugglers used Calvo's wife's identity to send the package (containing 32 pounds of marijuana) to her address and hoped to pick it up before she was able to.
But as soon as Calvo brought the package in the house, the SWAT team invaded.
Calvo said he was brought downstairs at gunpoint in his boxer shorts, handcuffed and forced onto the floor with his mother-in-law near the carcass of one of dead dogs.
"I noticed my two dead dogs lying in pools of their own blood," Calvo said.
Police say they shot the dogs because they felt threatened but Calvo said the dogs were tracked down by the cops and one was shot in the back as he was running away.

Cheye Calvo and his dogs, Payton and Chase

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Did He Steal Juice's Gimmick?

Mets Weekly often profiles strange or devoted Mets fans. One fan they chose to profile is a guy who goes by the name, "The King of Brunch."
I guess his first appearance was successful because they decided to give him another try.
After watching him the second time, something struck me, his mannerisms, his pattern of speech, his phraseology, are all eerily similar to Juice.

Lines to watch for:
"I brunch on Wednesdays."
"We're a cross between Barbra Streisand and the Wu-Tang Clan."
"Why don't they make this or this in adult sizes? Imagine me in a Mets onesie."
"Sort of like an iced out Mets logo. I'd wear this."

In case embedding isn't working.

And here's his second appeance:
"I was gonna get a pedicure, I'll cancel it."
"It's like a Bar Mitzvah, it's just exciting."

In case embedding isn't working.

A Modest Proposal

Here's my plan to improve (not fix) the Mets:
I think they should move Aaron Heilman into the starting rotation and make Pedro Martinez the closer.
I think this would work because Pedro is an experienced enough pitcher to adapt to the pressures of the role. Also, his biggest weakness currently as a starter is that he is not able to go deep into games.
As for Aaron Heilman, he's a terrible relief pitcher, they really have nothing to lose. He wants to be a starter, and he's had success as a starter, and moving him out of the bullpen might actually be addition by subtraction.
This will never happen because the Mets have no guts or imagination but difficult times call for creative solutions.

Celeb Sighting

As I was parking my car in the underground garage and waiting for the slow attendant to give me my ticket, I noticed a black Escalade pulling in, trailed by 15 to 20 paparazzi.
They were snapping pictures of the car as it pulled into the garage.
Garage security stopped the photographers from entering and two security guys got out of the Escalade, and ushered a woman into a side door.
I asked the attendant who it was and he said "Madonna."
I didn't get a good look at her because she was ducking her head and standing between two large men, but I guess it could have been her.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The First Rule of The Poop

We don't talk about The Poop on Facebook.
On Facebook I am friends with a lot of people I work with, all of whom for many reasons, do not know about The Poop.
And I'd like to keep it that way.
Given the nature of Facebook and the way everyone can see everything, it's better not to mention the Poop.

I'm Not Sure I See the Connection

A flight attendant is suing Victoria Osteen, wife of televangelist Joel Osteen.
Sharon Brown claims Victoria Osteen pushed her against the bathroom door and elbowed her in the breast during a confrontation on a flight to Vail in 2005.
Brown says the fight started when Osteen called over a flight attendant to clean a spilled drink off her armrest.
Osteen has already paid a $3,000 fine from the FAA for interefering with a flight.
But now Brown wants her to pay even more. She is suing Osteen for 10% of her network in punitive damages.
She also wants an apology.
Now here's the kicker: Brown claims the incident caused her to lose her faith. She also says the incident caused her hemorrhoids to flare up.

Now I don't see how that's possible. Can someone explain the link to me between the altercation and the hemorrhoids? And if there were a legitmate link, wouldn't it be best to leave it out of the lawsuit to save yourself some embarrassment?

A Hole in My Heart

After 30 years of keeping them at bay insidious cavities have invaded my heretofore perfect teeth. During my latest visit to the dentist, 2 cavities were discovered, meaning I am no longer a member of the one-percenters (my name for the group of people who have never had cavities or braces -- I'm not sure if it's really one percent of the population, but it sounds good). A few years ago my gums started to deteriorate and I was told it was because I was brushing too often. So I cut back from five times a day, to twice or three times. And this is what happened.

I know you can't see the cavities but it's a funny picture

Song of the Week

"Need U Bad" - Jazmine Sullivan
I just love the smooth sound of this, especially on the hook.
I think she sounds like Lauryn Hill.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

TON's Kill List: Cynthia Good

We're unveiling a new feature here on the Poop called TON's Kill List. Previously it has existed only in his demented mind but I hope to make a regular feature here.
Take it away TON.

"Cynthia Good (the editor of "Pink magazine" based in Atlanta) wants "Men at Work" signs to be gender neutral and say things like "Workers Ahead". I don't have a problem with that. The problem is that it'll cost $1000 to repaint the signs. No big deal you say? Well she wants to take this idea nation-wide. So if it's $1000 for just Atlanta, I'll take a totally random stab at this, and say that'll be about $500,000-ish for the rest of the country.

Wouldn't that money be better spent elsewhere? Can't a whole crapload of starving African kids be fed for 20 cents a day? Actually, screw the kids...even if that $1000 bux per city was just used to plant a few more trees, it would be more beneficial than satisfying Cynthia Good.

Cynthia, if you want equality, the first step is to not give a crap about stupid, inconsequential things like this. Drive by, see the sign, bitch about it for a minute, and move on with your life. It's acts like yours that actually support thoughts about men being superior. While you're moaning and groaning about stuff that doesn't matter, most guys are out there ignoring a whole bunch of crap equally inconsequential, and moving on to more important things in life.

It's not like some woman's boss was driving to work, saw a sign that said "Men Working" and thought "Hell yeah, that's right...MEN!...screw Linda and her promotion." If anyone comes back with a stat about fewer women in high ranking positions; it's not because of any straight up gender bias, it's because of all the Cynthia Goods out there getting caught up on things that don't matter. Ignore the crap, move on. The national industry guidelines suggest gender-neutral road signs. Take that as comfort that somone else already bitched them onto the same page as you for new signs in the future.

Note: The 'Kill List' is used for fun. I have no plans to harm you, Cynthia. Please don't sue me. Also, to other women out there, I know many of you are superior to me, so don't take this seriously. But if you're Cynthia Good, please do take it seriosuly, because you're on TON's Kill List.

From Indifference To Admiration in Two Words

I never watch SportsCenter so I don't really care too much about their anchors. I despise Stuart Scott, but towards everyone else (including Scott Van Pelt), I maintained a healthy indifference. Although I know the internets love him because of his classic voicemail.
But in one fell swoop SVP became my favorite SportsCenter anchor.
I was listening to the first few minutes of "Tirico and Van Pelt" on ESPN Radio while walking Diesel.
Mike Tirico was off so Van Pelt was hosting with Michelle Tafoya. Tafoya was speaking of her recent trip to Vegas and told Scott he took her advice and placed $20 on red as soon as she got there.
She won that bet but ended up down $60 during her stay at the roulette wheel.
Then she remarked that she did much better at craps.
Scott Van Pelt yelled out "dolla yo!"
And that's why I love Scott Van Pelt.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Happy Birthday To My Car

Seven years ago, I went to the dealership and picked up my first car.
Seven years and 55,000 miles later, we've been through a lot together, marriage, parenthood, 2 apartments and a house, and through it all you've been there. You welcomed Mrs. Poop (even though she spills Snapple on you), Diesel (even though he gets his hair all over you) and even Chase (he hasn't done much to you yet but probably someday he'll poop inside a makeshift potty in the back of you) without ever once complaining.
There have been doubters (J-Slinn said I wouldn't still love you when I was 30, but I do) but you never had any doubts.
From the time I saw you from the top of a roller coaster at Great Adventure to the time an icy road almost killed us both, you've always been there for me.
And like these pictures indicate, through the best times, you've always been content to stand in the background.
Well, Mello Yello, on your 7th birthday I want to say this to you, "It might have appeared to go unnoticed, but I've got it all here in my heart. I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it. I would be nothing without you."

Mello Yello drove us home from our wedding
Mello Yello watches over Chase

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Erin Andrews Dresses For Success

Erin Andrews is hot, we know this. So why does it keep coming up? Pardon my pun. Mike Nadel of a newspaper in Peoria, Illinois ran into Andrews in the Cubs clubhouse before a game and thought her presence and the reaction to it warranted a column.

"Erin Andrews, the ESPN “it” babe who clearly isn’t afraid to flaunt it, sauntered around the visiting clubhouse, flitting from one Cubs player to another. Her skimpy outfit — designed to accentuate her, um, positives — had players leering at her. Some made lewd comments under their breath. Others giggled like 12-year-olds. More on that later, as the scene was just one part of Bizarro Wednesday at Miller Park.

Moments later, the blonde reporter was chatting with Alfonso Soriano. At one point, she placed her hand suggestively on Soriano’s left biceps. Was I reading too much into all this? I don’t think so. I’ve been a paid observer for a long time ... and I wasn’t exactly the only one who noticed. As two Cubs stood near their lockers, one asked the other: “Hot? Or just attractive? Does she do anything for you?” The inquisitor then made eye contact with me as if saying — to use a term my uncle might have — “Hubba-hubba!”

This went on for at least an hour. Finally, Piniella emerged from his office, ready for his dugout media session. As he turned the corner, there was Andrews in all of her bare-legged, high-heeled, low-necklined glory. “Hey, hey, hey! Look at this!” Piniella said, loudly and excitedly. “Are you doing a baseball game today or a modeling assignment?”

Did she really feel playing the sexpot was necessary to practice journalism? She is good-looking enough and has enough of a high-profile job that she would get plenty of interviews and attention even if she showed up in a burlap sack."

A couple points about this before we move on to Erin's response and then the pictures (of Erin Andrews! yay!):

1) It does seem a little weird that she is now wearing dresses as opposed to more traditional female TV reporter attire like a pants-suit, but it is the summer and she's working outdoors.
2) Guys will be guys, it's not her fault guys want to ogle her. I guess the real judgment here is how much she courts this attention and how much she shuns it. I'd guess a little more courting than Andrews would have us believe.
3) The burlap sack remark is 100% accurate. The fact is, she's a gorgeous woman, even in that burlap sack she'd look great and guys would leer at her. It's not the dresses that demand the attention, it's the body in the dresses.

Erin felt strongly enough that her journalistic intergrity was being questioned so she fired back with a statement full of lies:

“These players are not into me like that. (Lie #1) If anything, I think these guys look at me like a little sister or one of the guys. (Lie #2) I don’t look at myself as a sex object. (Lie #3) I’ve never carried myself in that way. (Lie #4) I’m a girl that loves sports. I’m a tomboy. That’s the last thing on my mind when I’m in the clubhouse — worrying about players checking me out. I’m no dummy. I’m conscious that every day I have to prove myself. Being a woman, I thought at some point we were all past this. I’m not going to change. I can’t change. ESPN puts me on the best games not because of the way I look (lie #5), but because they trust me. The cool thing for me is that I trust ESPN with everything I have. I think that if I was conducting myself in a wrong manner, this would have been an issue a long time ago.”

It's true that she doesn't behave in an egregiously inappropriate way but she knows she's hot, everyone knows she's hot and she's happy to take advantage of that fact when it suits her needs.

I do feel badly that she has to deal with this constantly but there's a lot worse things to have to deal with.