12:55 pm (all times approximate) – Arrive in Columbus, Ohio. (Read my thoughts on the city of Columbus). I make my way to baggage claim where Pizza Parlor Derek (he’ll be just Derek for the remainder of this post) is waiting serenely with his Contented Face on. Not his Gay Picture Face. His Contented Face.
Friday 1:30 pm – Arrive at Pizza Parlor Daren’s house. Yes, he is shrewd enough to be the owner of his own home (single guy, for the time being) at the age of 27. His house is really nice, on the small side, but what you’d expect for a first house. The kitchen is great with all new appliances. He’s got a nice living room with two sofas, two rooms on the first level, an office and another room which he rents out to a friend. Upstairs is Daren’s bedroom and the guest room. But the best part is the basement. That’s where the house becomes an Ohio State alum’s bachelor pad. He’s got a sofa, an easy chair, a leather recliner and another OSU chair; plus an OSU area rug. And the last piece of guyhood, a pool table.
Friday 3:30 pm – After watching a little TV, Derek and I decide to play pool. Minnesota Fats, we are not. We each lose one game on a scratch of the 8 ball and then I secure victory with 8 ball corner pocket to win the best of 3 affair.
Friday 4:15 – Nap time
Friday 5:15 – Around the Horn. Woody Paige is the decider.
Friday 5:30 – Pardon the Interruption. Of course Chris Harris owes that guy a ticket. As Dan Greco would say “a verbal agreement is legal and binding.”
Friday 7:00 – The door opens. In walks AnnMarie (Daren’s lovely – inside and out – girlfriend), and her dog, Bentley, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, the breed favored by the Poop’s favorite actress, Courteney Cox-Zucker. Derek loves this dog. He was constantly petting and holding Bentley all weekend.
Friday 7:15 - Daren comes home from work. Brothers don't shake hands...brothers gotta HUG!
Friday 8:30 - We meet up with the rest of Daren's crew.
This includes Jamie, who lived with Daren on my two previous visits to Columbus. Great guy, exceptional gymnast (more on that later) and a great needler of people which I really like him about him. Then there was Jamie's wife, Laura who I really liked. She was so hurt that Derek didn't mention her in the blog of his last trip to Columbus that she offered to show him her tits if he'd mention her this time. I'm not sure if this ever happened but if you read Derek's blog and her name is in there, you can assume he saw her knockers.
Jon Marc, the aforementioned roommate/rentor of Daren and his future wife Abbi. Abbi seems to be worried about the impending bachelor party especially Jamie's vision of it. And the last couple joining us is Rac and his wife who is expecting (congratulations) and as such she opted for the salad instead of the raw meat smorgasboard. Rac was also a very accomplished gymnast in his heyday which I later learned much to my surprise, was in the late 1980s.
The group hit BD's Mongolian Barbecue for dinner. If you are unfamiliar with this restaurant style here's how it works. Buffet style, all the food is laid out, chicken, steak, pork, shrimp, scallops, lamb...all raw. You throw it in a bowl. Add some vegetables, pick your sauces and spices (I think Derek overdid it with the cayenne) and they cook it for you on a huge steam table in the middle of the restaurant. If the food sucks, it's your fault.
8:45 - Derek orders the Mongo-tastic Margarita, which is blue and comes in a huge glass. The gay waiter thinks this is a sign and spends the rest of the night flirting with Derek, forcing Derek to order a beer (in his deepest voice) for his next drink.
9:30 - After stuffing myself to the point where I feel like I am going to vomit, I go up for one more bowl of food.
11:00 - We head to Ugly Tuna for some after dinner drinks. A cool bar with a combination of college students and alums. One hot waitress had huge tits and a big ass and I told Derek that he deserved more than a chick who was just tits and ass. I was lying to boost his confidence.
Saturday
11:00 - Head over to the basketball arena to catch ESPN Gameday. Not quite the same as college football (this would be a theme for the weekend) but the band was there, the cheerleaders were there, some fired up students were there, some cute kids in OSU outfits were there. Mostly the hour was spent chanting and singing songs of hatred towards Michigan. Read more about the hatred towards Michigan.
12:00 - We walk around the arena to see some of the history. There's a computer with an interactive menu on the history of OSU athletics but it wasn't updated. We saw a picture of Rac commemorating his achievements. We saw Archie Griffin's Heismans.
12:30 - Eddie George's new restaurant/sports bar for lunch. Great sports bar atmosphere, tons of TVs, good food at reasonable prices. On each TV were the logos of the two teams playing in that game on that TV, and the logos of the teams that would be featured next. One guy was standing in the corner and his only job seemed to be to print those logos and play a song during commercial breaks. At night Eddie George's turns into Bungalow 27. I have no idea what that entails.
1:30 - After lunch Derek and I encounter some gastro-intestinal problems related to last night's supper. That's all I'll disclose.
2:00 - Daren's crew comes over, we hang out in the basement watching the Senior Bowl (people seem more interested in Troy Smith than Greg Oden), watch some other college basketball, play pool and listen to a Columbus pop radio station.
2:15 - "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce on the radio. Derek says "this is a good song, too bad it gets no radio airplay." I fall for it. Derek giggles.
2:20 - "Walk Away" by Paula DeAnda.
2:25 - "Fergalicious" by Fergie.
2:30 - "It's not Over" by Daughtry.
3:15 - "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.
3:20 - "Walk Away" by Paula DeAnda.
3:25 - "Fergalicious" by Fergie.
3:30 - "It's not Over" by Daughtry.
4:15 - "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.
4:20 - "Walk Away" by Paula DeAnda.
4:25 - "Fergalicious" by Fergie.
4:30 - "It's not Over" by Daughtry. You get the point.
5:00 - Quick 5 person poker tournament. I see a flop with pocket 4s, flop is a-10-4, I go all in, knock out Derek (pocket queens) and cripple Daren (A-10). But I couldn't do much else and Daren survived several all-ins to win the title.
7:00 - SU - Louisville. We watch the first half and record the rest for later.
8:00 - We head to Value City Arena at the Schottenstein Center for college hoops action, Ohio State vs. Michigan State. Read more about the game.
8:30 - Popcorn at the arena, almost as good as at Target, but not quite.
8:45 - Drunk old dude walks by us to go to the bathroom. He did this like 5 times.
9:00 - Dippin Dots (The Ice Cream of the Future!) When my server bends down to scoop my dots, I see a picture of Jamie on the wall heralding the great 1999 season the gymnastics team had.
9:15 - Derek loves the second half because the band plays "Hang On Sloopy" and we spell out O-H-I-O with our hands above our heads. Like YMCA, only less gay. Or more gay? I'm not quite sure.
11:15 - Derek walks aimlessly around the parking lot even though he has no idea where the car is parked. Daren has to direct him about 4 times before I finally encourage him to just walk behind Daren and follow him.
11:30 - Late night snack at Buffalo Wild Wings (Bee-Dubbs). Exactly the type of wings/sports bar I would love, but pompous New Yorkers think they are too sophisticated for. I was very excited for this place because I'd been hearing about the stock for years. I ordered the boneless wings (I hate mess) but Derek chose the hottest sauce for his wings. The waitress was incredulous and tried to talk him out of it. He would not be deterred. And he actually ate all the wings with no problem. Almost no problem. Derek failed to sufficiently wipe his hands of the sauce. Then he rubbed his eye and had to rush to the bathroom for emergency eyewash. He was tearing up, his eye was red and burning. It was freakin hilarious.
I played an interactive trivia game and little did I know it but they would broadcast my username (Poop) on several of the TVs. AnnMarie thought this was hilarious. The waitress brought the checks (Columbus restaurants are big on separate checks) and she put AnnMarie's food on my bill, assuming that she and I were the couple. I was flattered, AnnMarie was disgusted.
Sunday
1:30am - Derek and I watch the end of SU - Louisville. SU blows a huge lead. I get pissed, Derek saw the result at Bee-Dubbs so he is calmer. But he doesn't blame me. This team sucks.
1:00pm - We go to Buckeye Corner for some souvenirs. I buy Mrs. Poop a hooded sweatshirt with a picture of Brutus the Buckeye whom she later calls retarded and tells me she'd rather have had the plain Ohio State sweatshirt that I passed up. This store has everything. As Daren explained, everything you need for your house, you can buy with an Ohio State logo on it, and you often do. Bathmats, cookie jars, grill covers, I even saw a kitchen table, with an OSU logo.
1:30 - Buckeye Cafe, what a cool place. It's an arcade, with a fancy room for banquets or dinners. It has a souvenir shop, and a display case for Ohio State athletics in which both Jamie and Daren were recognized for their accomplishments. Out front is a brick inscribed with Daren's name and feats, courtesy of Bob and Judi.
2:30 - Lunch at a cool little Irish place in downtown Columbus.
3:30 - I hate goodbyes! Read Pizza Parlor Derek's version of the events.
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