Bill's Bachelor Party

Everything works in cycles. We are getting older and we're getting married. Bill is towards the tail end of the cycle in the Kliq as far as marriage goes. So this bachelor party was sort of a last hurrah, at least until Pizza Parlor Derek gets married, but that could take a while.

Life intervened and plans for Montreal were scrapped so we headed down to beautiful Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I don't golf so I skipped the Friday morning excursion in Delaware and the Thursday night trip to Buffalo Wild Wings where PPD managed to keep his fingers out of his eyes. You can read PPD's version of the events (which includes Thursday/early Friday).

On the trip down I called Bill and he told me they were on their way to Philly and they were going to grab something to eat ("we're not going to go out to dinner.") So I see a Roy Rogers on the Turnpike and I stop, maybe I would have anyway. I love Roy Rogers. One side note, I had been stuck in bad traffic at the northern most point of the Turnpike, then between exits 16 and 8a traffic was moving, but slowly. At exit 8A the traffic finally cleared and I was cruising. At that point I heard on the radio, "traffic backed up between exits 8a and 7a on the southbound side, for 13 miles". Totally untrue. This happens all the time. For the most part, traffic reports are complete bullshit.

By the time I arrive in Philly it seems everyone was waiting for me to go out to dinner. Bill is a douche. We walk to some sports bar. They say you can't get in with sneakers, until the saw 11 of us, at a time the restaurant wasn't very busy, so they decided to waive their no sneakers policy.

Instead of eating again I decided to drink my supper. At the time I was really pissed that out of 20 TVs, 19 were on the Phillies game and the other one was broken. But then I realized something that I've missed my whole life growing up in New York. We have two teams in everything. And in baseball and football, the population of New York City is split 60/40. In Philly everyone you see, everywhere you go, roots for the same teams. That's pretty cool.

After supper we headed to Show N Tel, which is a BYOB strip club. Because they don't sell alcohol it's full nude. And because you bring your own booze that are a lot of deadbeat lowlives.

One girl was wearing a very cute skirt/top combo with Phillies logos on it. I refused to give her a dollar.

Show N Tel has a thing called a hot seat. Basically you can bring a guy you hate and pay money to have a naked girl yank out his armpit hair, smack him in the face and twist his nipples.

I can throw a dollar bill and hit a balloon knot from 15 feet away.

Horse has sleep apnea. Michael and I diagnosed him while listening to his snoring and intermittent choking. Of course, this didn't bother me at all, I fell asleep in two minutes, but it kept Michael up all night. At 8 am he woke me and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I chose a few more hours of sleep and Michael enjoyed breakfast on his own, dining on french toast while getting annoyed by a gay waiter.



Saturday was paintball day. First we stopped at a local WaWa which has touch screen ordering which is a good thing but it can be very confusing. Because each screen presents you with a bunch of different options, if you get caught up in it and forget what you previously selected, you can end up with a tuna sandwich with chipotle sauce, provolone, pickles and sweet peppers.

If you ever have to get somewhere on time. Do not let Billy drive. Despite internet directions and several phone calls to the paintball place, we still made about 5 U-Turns including one where the sign said "paintball" with an arrow straight, and Bill made a right.

I'm not going to describe the paintball game in detail except to say some of us took it lightly, others took it seriously. Michael, Aaron and I had never played before and were just happy to run around like fools. Greco obviously plays a lot (even though it screws up his softball swing), as he came in full gear including a silly hat and a paint grenade. Horse also took it too seriously, as he does everything, and he pelted Josh with a barrage of paintballs that left Josh welted and furious.

Most of us bought paper thin camo suits which didn't really do much except make us look cool. PPD ripped his. It was fun to play but it was a little too hot and I tired quickly. I also got shot twice in the neck, which left huge red marks that look like hickeys. And one time I got shot right on the thumb which hurt so fuckin bad.

After paintball we went back to the hotel to clean up and get ready for dinner at Philly's finest steakhouse, Geno's or Pat's. We ordered in English and enjoyed our delicious dripping cheesesteak. I had wiz wid. I actually wanted peppers and mushrooms but Geno's only had onions.



Smokey having never been to either one, tried the steaks from both then offered a gourmet's analysis of the finer points of each one. I think he was disappointed that Boyz II Men wasn't out front singing "Motown Philly." This weekend did nothing to diminish the brotherly bond that Smokey and I feel towards each other. I really think I am more likely to be related to him than I am to Master Bates or Step On Me.

Saturday night we went classy and headed over to Crazy Horse Too. Things didn't really pick up until a group of African-American gentleman sat next to the stage with three huge stacks of bills. And they weren't just ones. The girls were loving it, and these guys were making it rain, heavily on the stage. Josh sensing an opportunity bought the guys drinks. And that kindness was revisited upon us tenfold at least. These guys were throwing so much money around, they easily spent 10 grand that night. At one point one guy threw a stack of 20 $5 bills onto the stage. And of course everyone was trying to guess their profession. They were either rappers, athletes or drug dealers.

The saddest place in the world is on the steps of a strip club at 3am, waiting for a cab that may never come. The girls were coming out in their sweatpants without makeup, and we were still sitting there.

This was made even sadder still by the fact that we don't have too many more of these opportunities left.