We Have to Start Doing This

Most readers of this blog are right-minded people (Mets fans) who love punishment (Knicks fans) but a lot of us root for different NFL teams (Redskins, Dolphins, Giants & Jets) and although about half of us went to Syracuse we do have readers from Penn State, Michigan and Georgia Southern. Georgia Derek, when Central (Connecticut State) kicks GSU's ass on September 9th, you'll know who keeps calling.

So if you followed Rick Reilly's advice and gave money to fight mosquitos in Africa, then please follow his advice and piss off your friends.

He kept you from buying that fur-toaster business.

He tells people you dunked off his alley-oop when you both know it was the other way around.

He was the only one who came to the wedding when you married the stripper.

So how can you show your best buddy you care without looking vaguely Brokeback? The way most guys do it, by giving him untold piles of crap.

Now there's a cool new way to do just that. It's called One Ring, and it's going to be more popular than breast implants.

Let's say your friend in Houston is a sick Texans fan. Any time the Texans do something stupid -- like fumble or blow a 20-yard field goal or not draft Reggie Bush -- you simply call him, let the phone ring once and hang up. You One Ring him. It'll make him nuttier than Courtney Love.

Guys are One Ringing their buddies all over the country. You're a Cowboys fan and Dallas just signed Terrell (Typhoid Mary) Owens? Your phone will be One Ringing right off your belt. You're a Pistons fan and Detroit just let Ben Wallace skate? You'll get more rings than Tommy Lee's bathtub. You're a Knicks fan? Your cell will ring like the bells of St. Mary.

Anytime your team blows it, get ready. "I get One Rings at two in the morning," says Chris Carson, a rabid Dallas fan who helped come up with the idea. "I'm forced to get up, go downstairs, turn on ESPN Classic and see that the Steelers are beating my Cowboys in, like, Super Bowl X."

One Ring started in 1991 among graduates of Bates College in Lewiston, Maine. They were looking for a way to torment each other about their teams without piling up hernia-inducing phone bills. Lately, it's grown like kudzu. Now people are ringing each other internationally -- for free!

"With each chirp of the phone," says Carson, who will get up to 50 rings when his Cowboys screw up, "there is the fundamental realization that someone, somewhere cared enough to utter the long-distance equivalent of Nelson's 'HA-ha!' from The Simpsons. It's 21st-century trash talking."

Even cooler: You can be the ringer of bad news. Say your friend Tork is at his desk, minding his own business, selling and buying widgets as usual. Suddenly his phone rings once. Then again. Then again. An icicle suddenly forms in Tork's heart. He knows something horrible has happened to his beloved Red Wings. He goes to the Internet to find -- hello! -- they've moved to Tucson!

Reach out and torment someone! It's creative grief-giving!

It's even catching on beyond sports. Recently, a One Ringing architect in New York City was being publicly berated by his boss. When the boss left, the guy got 13 One Rings. Cruel.

There are all kinds of variations on the theme. Your Oklahoma buddy's Sooners just went on 10-year probation? Why not simply text him a Ring! Send a buddy The Ring DVD. Hell, go to Walgreens, buy an actual ring for two bucks and send it in an envelope, no note.

Carson did something like that to his best friend, Q, who lives in Pittsburgh. When Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger broke his face in a motorcycle accident, there arrived at Q's door a motorcycle helmet -- scuffed, dinged and dented -- with Steelers stickers on it and a note attached:

Ring!

If you're going to start One Ringing your poor friends, adhere to the Ring's strict dos and don'ts. Don't One Ring after deaths or serious injuries (unless it's Joey Porter getting shot in the butt). Do use proper ringspeak. ("I'm not looking forward to Sunday. My Colts are playing really ringy.") Don't One Ring for cheesy stuff like first downs or sacks. And if you do a Revenge Ring to brag on your own team, don't let it be for something trivial. (One of the Bates crew, a big Patriots fan named Graham Ivory, once got so desperate that he began One Ringing when nice things about New England appeared in print. Very iffy.)

And be sure to try this: Sit with some nonringers, watch your favorite team play, and when a first-quarter fake punt backfires, say, "I have this weird feeling the phone's going to ring." Voilá! You're Miss Cleo!

But the thing I like best about One Ringing is that it's the rare way in this homophobic world of sports for guys to show man-love. Women would never do it. There'd be tears, nasty letters and possibly embedded fingernails. But for guys, it's perfect. It's our way of saying, "I miss you." And, "I love you." And, most important, "Your team sucks."