Brittany Murphy has fun at a Bar Mitzvah

According to the New York Post, the world's highest paid crack whore has been dropped by her manager, Joanne Collonna, and her agents at ICM. The moves comes after a blind item on E!online, claimed a "smacked out" actress named "Jordache Junky" (Murphy has recently starred in the Jordache jeans commercials) had sex with a waiter at an industry bar mitzvah. No word on whether she licked her hand first.

Weekly Picks

4-3 last week, 18-12 total. 60% is just about the bottom end of the acceptable range.

DALLAS -8.5 detroit: Joey Harrington threw 3 touchdowns last week. No way that's happening again. Dallas wins easily, assuming they don't have a letdown from Monday's big win.

BROWNS -2.5 dolphins: Miami is the better team. That's all you really need to know. Miami will win this game outright even though they haven't played well on the road this year.

TITANS +3.5 jaguars: I know Jacksonville can't score and is coming off a 30-point game after a record drought. But there's just no way you can pick such a bad team to beat a better team, or cover such a small spread. I could see this being a field goal game, but I'm betting that Jacksonville will win by at least 4.

49ERS +12.5 seahawks: I don't know why but I think San Francisco will do just enough to keep this game close.

BENGALS +5.5 colts: Indianapolis will have a letdown week this year. But it will come against San Diego and maybe Pittsburgh. Cincinnati just doesn't have enough to end a perfect season. I think Indianapolis will win by at least a touchdown.

TEXANS +6.5 chiefs: This is my lead pipe Tonya Harding lock of the week. Houston has covered three spreads in a row. Kansas City is coming off an awful loss on the road. This game is on national TV. Kansas City in a blowout. LJ goes for 200 yards and 3 TDs.

Never Sell a Stolen Video Camera

A Canadian girl stole her mom's video camera and sold it. The mom found out the camera was missing when her boyfriend called to ask how their sex tape got out, as it seemed everyone in town had seen it.

Our Whole Floor Used to do This Freshman Year

This idiot walked around the campus of Webster University with his fly open and a fake ball-sac hanging out. He recorded people's reactions and called it art.

My Friends Would Be Smiling

Anthony Sheppard was shocked when he saw all his friends crying while reading the newspaper. They were reading his obituary. Turns out the dead guy was carrying Sheppard's ID. Sheppard then called him mom to say "hi mom, I'm not dead." She was reportedly happy to hear from him. Police are sorry for making the mistake and releasing it to newspapers.

Maybe the Ivy League Isn't Full of Losers

Dartmouth's student newspaper is doing a 3-part series on the evolution of beer pong. Part I says the geeks at Dartmouth invented the game in the 1950s. They play with paddles, and they look down on the non-paddle version played at the kliq, calling it Beirut. Both girls and guys agree that a game of pong is a good first date at Dartmouth. They also use slightly different formations than the pyramid we favor, they play with the shrub (7 cups) or the tree (11 cups).

Part II details the game's rich history on the Dartmouth campus. It started as a social activity more than a drinking game. Each side had only one or two cups. Eventually it developed into "Slam Pong" which I imagine would have created an awful mess of spilled beer.

Thugs at The U Back At It

Lowlife athletes at the University of Miami recorded a 9 minute rap -- don't listen at work--, calling themselves the 7th Floor Crew, referring to 7th floor of the athletes' dorm.
The story has blossomed into a little scandal thanks to the alarmists at espn.com.
The douchebag Miami student who posted the story originally now is pleading with fans and players not to kick his ass.

In case you don't want to listen here is a sample of the lyrics (reportedly by linebacker Tavares Gooden the only player identified so far):

“and he brought in all his 7th floor friends
She found it was [unintelligible] the Miami Football Team
It’s also the 7th floor king ding-a-lings
She thought Five Two was just my number then she realized
you multiply the bitch up then you get my dick size.”

Millions of Americans are Slaves to TV, but not Justin

Great article about the effects of DVR usage.
Networks and advertisers are obviously worried that people scan through commercials.
But people with DVR watch more hours of TV, because they can do it faster.
Nearly 8 percent of U.S. homes use a DVR, with that number expected to grow to 39 percent by 2010 (proof that in 5 years 61% of Americans will still be morons). DVR families still watch 90% of shows at regular broadcast time. That I don't quite believe, sounds a bit high. But if they mean watching a show, but starting it 10 or 15 minutes later, then I could maybe see it. And only 90% say they skip through commercials. What the hell are the other 10% sitting there watching commercials for?

Real or Fake? You Decide

No this doesn't have to do with breasts. Is this story true or made up? Here's how it goes: A guy named Jason Lewis hears that Lindsay Lohan is staying at the SoHo Grand Hotel. He calls her room and leaves a message, she thinks its the Jason Lewis from Sex and the City. It's unclear if he intended for her to make that mistake. They end up text messaging for two weeks. She invites him to Bungalow 8. He gets thrown out for not being the other Jason Lewis. The story sounds too crazy to be true, but seeing as how he never claimed to bang her, or even talk to her in person, it does leave me with some doubt in my mind.

Mischa's Nipple

On last week's episode of the O.C. viewers were apparently able to catch a peek of Mischa Barton's nipple. More info including video, is available at tvgasm (may not be safe for work). Seems too dark to really see anything. Nonetheless, boob-hating Christians are complaining to the FCC.

News Flash: Coffee is Hot, Try Not to Spill

A Staten Island woman wants $10 million for being scalded by a cup of coffee.
Sharon Shea said she suffered second- and third-degree burns to her legs when two steaming cups of joe tumbled out of the carrier tray as she and a friend drove away from the Dunkin' Donuts parking lot on Forest Avenue.

Shea insists the coffee was too hot and the work- ers didn't fasten the lids tightly enough.

"The [drive-thru] girl had positioned them where they were in the same line [on the tray], they weren't cattycorner," said Shea, 60.

"Just as the car was about to stop, the coffee — those lids couldn't have been on tight, no way in the world — the coffee toppled over onto my leg, and right away I said, 'I'm dying, I'm dead!' "

Mets Trade Cameron

The Mets agreed to trade Mike Cameron to the Padres for Xavier Nady. Cameron was unspectacular in his two years with the Mets and he didn't want to play right field. Cameron still has to pass a vision test related to his collision with Beltran last year in San Diego. His greatest Mets moment will be the catch he made on a flyball after he had already fallen down. Nady will likely be used to play first against lefties in a platoon with MIke Jacobs. The Mets will save a little coin on the deal, hopefully clearing way to acquire a big name right fielder.

Loves Jesus, and the Internet too

Packers running back Samkon Gado has a profile on myspace. Sam loves Jesus, and Jesus loves him more than he loves Mike Vick, judging by the results of Sunday's game.

Gibbs Backs Off

Coach Joe Gibbs says he may have gotten carried away with his complaints about officiating during Sunday's loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He got carried away? What does that mean for me?

By the way, a buccaneer is a pretty expensive price for corn.

Bears Fight Update

The Bears Fight between Fred Miller and Olin Kreutz is now being investigated by the FBI. The fight took place at FBI headquarters, at a gun range, after the players had been shooting. Investigators are looking into whether alcohol was served at the event, which was a terrorist training seminar, followed by a barbecue.

A Word About Pictures

When viewing this website, drag your mouse over each picture. A caption, or alt-tag, will pop up, and most times it will be pretty funny. Try it for the photo of G-Wiz, if you don't believe me.

Laila Ali is Not Gay

Laila Ali decided to set the record straight. She is not gay. And she is not dating Queen Latifah. Or Mike Piazza. Or the Panthers' cheerleaders. Or Sheryl Swoopes.
The rumors started that she was dating Queen Latifah after Ali's divorce from a man. Sheryl Swoopes was married for 8 years and started her lesbian lifestyle after her divorce.

Eva Longoria's New Man

Eva Longoria was seen kissing another man in public Saturday night. Eva was in Washington to watch Tony Parker and the Spurs play the Wizards. The Wizards, like almost every other team does a "Kiss Cam" during a timeout. The camera scans the crowd for couples, who look at the screeen dazed, have no idea what to do, and then, when 17,000 people chant for them to kiss, the finally figure it out. Well, at Saturday's game they put Eva in the "Kiss-cam" and the Wizards' big blue mascot G-Wiz came over and good naturedly Eva played along and gave G-Wiz the thrill of his life. As we know from Harley's experience as the Penn Quaker, mascots never get to make out with hot chicks.

Coach Gibbs Agrees With Me

Coach Joe Gibbs sent a tape of some of the bad calls made by officials on Sunday, to the league office. Its clear that Alstott's elbow was down, that Galloway wasn't touched when they ruled him forced out, and that Bolden pulled Moss leading to an interception. But that said, despite being royally screwed we should have still won the game.

Three Strikes and Yer Out

Baseball is going with a new steroid policy. Fifty games for a first offense, 100 for a second, and a lifetime ban on the third.
I don't have a problem with the new plan, but I didn't think the old program was too weak. What people forgot is that the worst punishment is the damage to the player's reputation. Do you think the extra 40 games is going to act as a deterrent? The real reason not to do steroids from a player's standpoint is that if you get caught you are outed, and everything you did before or do after will be questioned. I really doubt anyone will ever get to the three strikes you're out stage. Steroids are not addictive like other drugs that have caused players to test positive multiple times.

The inclusion of amphetamines is interesting. The penalities for greenies are not the same as for steroids. First offense is mandatory additional testing, then 25 games, 80 games and then commissioner's discretion. Greenies are a part of the game and have been for a long time. Jim Bouton first wrote about it in "Ball Four." I don't understand why guys don't just switch to nodoz, vivarin or red bull.