Mrs. Poop's Christmas Message

Mrs. Poop is trying to make a fashion statement this holiday season. I'm just not sure what that statement is.






Note: The headline of this post is an homage to the funniest moment of my professional career. When writing the banner (the thing that appears on the lower third of your screen) for a story on the Pope's Christmas Message one writer learned how much of a difference one letter can make. The banner read: The Pope's Christmas Massage.

Santa's on Macy's Naughty List

Santa Claus has been canned from Macy's, and he's anything but jolly about it.
John Toomey, known for 20 years at the Union Square Macy's in San Francisco as "Santa John," was told Saturday he'll have to take his "ho, ho, hos" elsewhere because an adult couple complained about a joke he cracked.
"When I ask the older people who sit on my lap if they've been good and they say, 'Yes,' I say, 'Gee, that's too bad,' " Toomey said .
"Then, if they ask why Santa is so jolly, I joke that it's because I know where all the naughty boys and girls live."
The kids who sit on his lap, he said, get only his trademark laugh and questions about what toys they want.


You mean to tell me a grown woman sat on Santa's lap, then complained about a joke, that joke? If the couple was so offended by it why couldn't they walk away. How could that joke have offended them so greatly they felt the need to complain. And the store, in San Francisco of all places, felt the need to fire the guy. The oversensitive babies are beginning their War on Christmas.

Rex Ryan's Wife Puts Her Best Foot Forward

Rex Ryan basically admits his wife is in the foot fetish video. He says "it's a personal matter" over and over again. If it wasn't her, he would have just said "it's not her."





That even sounds like Rex's voice, and I'm sure it is.

The question is: why is this such a big deal? Why is this personally embarrassing? Note: I'm only talking about the videos, not the contest of the profiles allegedly appearing on certain websites. His wife is not doing any wrong, morally or legally. If she wants to show off her feet to foot fetishists on the internet (like TallSkott) that’s her business. Deviance is in the eye of the beholder. She has lovely feet and if someone derives sexual pleasure from looking at them that’s their problem and not hers. Or Rex Ryan’s. I understand why it’s a news story, people are interested, even I’m interested. I just don’t see how any part of this is can be construed as negative or personally embarrassing.

Here’s the best analogy I can make: I’m sure plenty of athletes are married to Victoria’s Secret models. They walk around in their underwear and put the video on TV, the internet you name it. They have nice boobs, she has nice feet. And I bet a lot more guys jerk off looking at Adriana Lima’s tits than Michelle Ryan’s feet.

So can someone please give me one good reason why the Ryans should be embarrassed or ashamed of this?

Song of the Week

"Christmas in Hollis" - Run DMC

Two Feet of Snow Next to My Car

Literally two feet of snow



story suggested by Mama Poop

The NFL is Poop - Week 15

It Would Have Been Enough
The Giants lost what I call a “dayenu” game. Had they tackled Brent Celek, that would have been enough. Had they not tackled Brent Celek but they recovered the onside kick, that would have been enough. You see where I am going with this. There were about 10 things the Giants could have done in the game to hold on for the victory. If they hadn’t done 9 of them, but did 1, it would have been enough – at least to force overtime. Instead the Giants go down to an embarrassing, crushing defeat. Now their division hopes are likely gone, and their chances at a playoff berth likely depend on them beating the Packers this week.



The Frozen Tundra Does in Brett Favre
Brett Favre has turned into Rasputin, you can’t kill the guy. Just when we thought he was finished (with his starts streak over why would be bother coming back for a losing team?) he pulled one over on all of us and started Monday night’s game against the Bears. He even threw a touchdown pass. But when his head got slammed to the frozen turf he got concussed. A sad image for one of the game’s greats. His last time on a football field and he’s laying face down.



Now It’s Confirmed
We always thought Devin Hester was the best kick returner to ever play in the NFL, now we know for sure. His 14th career kick return (combined kickoffs and punts) is a new NFL record. And amazingly he almost did it earlier that same quarter when he returned the opening kickoff of the second half 79 yards to the 6, just moments after Mike Tirico suggested he could break the record. Some were worried that his escalation to full-time wide receiver would sacrifice his time and effort as a kick returner. In his first two NFL seasons, Hester had 20 pass receptions (2 TDs), and 11 kick return touchdowns. In the next two seasons he had 108 receptions (6 TDs) and zero return TDs. This year his pass-catching numbers are down slightly, to 30 (3 TDs) but he has 3 punt returns for touchdowns.



Hopefully We’ll Never See Donovan McNabb in a Redskins Uniform Again
Let me start by saying I am not thrilled with the prospect of turning over the future of the Washington Redskins to Rex Grossman. But I consider it a win if Donovan McNabb is never under center again. The McNabb experiment was a nice try, but it failed. I have no idea why they extended him. It seems pretty clear the decision-makers on the contract and on the starting QB at game time, are different people, with vastly different goals, purposes and opinions on McNabb’s play. Mike Shanahan obviously sees what the rest of us see – McNabb is bad and getting worse. Grossman threw 4 TDs, almost leading a very stirring comeback against the Cowboys. It seems like he will get the chance to play in the last two games, as will 3rd stringer John Beck, who will be promoted to backup in another slap in McNabb’s face. I don’t think the long-term solution is on the team right now. It seems the Redskins will have to hit rock bottom, draft a QB high in the first round and build around him. Until then a parade of big names and big contracts (at all positions, not just QB) will continue to lead to this once proud franchise’s continued demise.

Not a Bad Debut
I have often used this space to conjecture that Tim Tebow will not be a good NFL quarterback, not even a serviceable one. In fact, he’ll be so bad he won’t even be a consistent NFL starter at any point in his career. In our poll after the draft, half of you suggested he’ll be a starter at QB for 4 NFL seasons. He’s got one so far, and even though he can’t throw (8 for 16 for 138 yards) he can run (8 for 78, including a 40-yard touchdown). If he follows the Michael Vick model (without the personal growth stemming from a prison term) he might have something, though I don’t think he is that fast, or has that strong of a throwing arm. I think he’ll probably start the final two games of the season then get relegated to the bench again when the Broncos bring in a new coach.



If the NFC Championship Game Were Played Today
The Eagles would go into Atlanta with Michael Vick at quarterback. That would be a great storyline and the way these two teams are playing right now I give it at least a 50/50 shot at happening.

Which is Gayer?

Whic is a gayer song to sing while inflating a tire, "Pump up the Volume" or "Pump up the Jam"?

Ken Jennings Versus the Machine

Two of Jeopardy's most successful champions -- Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter -- will play two games against "Watson," a computer program developed by IBM's artificial intelligence team. The matches will be spread over three days that will air Feb. 14-16.
The "Jeopardy!" answer-and-question format will be a challenge. It often requires contestants to deal with subtleties, puns and riddles and come up with answers fast.
"Watson" is named for IBM founder Thomas J. Watson. It will look nothing like the computer "maid" on "The Jetsons." Rather, IBM said its on-screen appearance will be represented by a round avatar.
The computer has already been tested in some 50 games against past "Jeopardy!" champions. But neither IBM nor "Jeopardy!" representatives would say what "Watson's" record was.
The winner gets a $1 million prize. IBM said it would donate its winnings to charity, while Jennings and Rutter said they would give half of their prize money away.

What Do You Give Me For? JLeary and the Guy at the Knicks Game

Juice and Focks noticed a guy who looks a lot like JLeary on TV at the Knicks-Heat game Friday night, seated right in front of Robert Randolph.

Weekly Picks

Another big week, I am back to climbing after a tough stretch in the middle of the season. And I already have one in my pocket this week.

SAN DIEGO -9 san francisco
I'm telling you, the Chargers are making the playoffs. They do this every year. Matt Cassel's injury is a big help, but they are making the playoffs. Plus San Francisco scored 40 last week, they'll be lucky to get 14 against the Chargers.

cleveland +1 CINCINNATI
Colt McCoy is starting the Bengals have given up.

PITTSBURGH -5 new york jets
The Jets could be done. Things went very bad very quickly in two weeks and the Steelers are the wrong opponent for a quarterback who has no confidence.

OAKLAND -7 1/2 denver
I'm doing this out of spite because I really don't think Tim Tebow is an NFL quarterback, not now, not ever.

BEST BET
NEW ENGLAND -9 green bay
This line shot higher to 14 when it was announced Matt Flynn was going to play but 9 is the spread we're going with. I think it will be 30 with Flynn, and would have been 20 with Rodgers. The Patriots are just too hot right now. It might be worth it to just pick them every week and see if they let up.


Last week: 3-2 (4 points)
Season: 38-32 (42 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (9-5)
Home Favorites: 1-1 (13-10)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-0)
Road Favorites: 2-0 (14-14)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (10-8)

Dr. Oz Has a Nurse Fetish

I can't say I blame Dr. Oz but his fantasy about sexy nurses has landed him in hot water.
A group called The Truth About Nursing says a recent segment about weight loss featured six women wearing high heels, retro nurses' caps and white dresses with red lingerie peeking out, shows a lack of respect for female nurses.



I'm not sure how Mrs. Poop feels about this. She probably doesn't mind and she'd much rather have the Truth About Nursing focus its letter-writing campaign against Pink for her hurtful lyrics.

Song of the Week

"Chick on Da Side" - Koffee Brown
There is almost nothing I love more, musically, than a good male/female duet. It's the reason I love Marvin & Tammi so much. Fonz and Vee have great harmony and great timing in the dueling parts of this song. Their entire album is awesome, but it didn't sell well enough for them to make another one. This is another song I have been looking for on youtube, like "Waist Down", but was able to find only recently.

First One to Answer Wins Nothing

I was in Target paying for my popcorn and as the clerk dropped the 93 cents into my hand she said "you have very soft hands?"
What was my response?

The NFL is Poop - Week 14

I Love a Good Snow Game
And so does Tom Brady. He absolutely eviscerated the Bears’ third ranked defense. Eschewing conventional wisdom against throwing in the snow, Brady threw 40 passes, completing 27 of them for 369 yards and 2 touchdowns in a 36-7 victory. Last year Brady had the best game of his career in the snow, 29 for 34 for 380 yards and 6 touchdowns in a 59-0 victory over the Titans. And of course Tom Brady’s legend started in the snow, with the Tuck Game against the Raiders (32 for 52, 312 yards). For the Patriots, it’s beginning to look a lot like 2007. Since the embarrassing loss to the Cleveland Browns the Pats have won 5 in a row scoring at least 31 each time. And beating good teams over that span, Pittsburgh, the Jets, Indianapolis and Chicago. I wouldn’t want to play them in New England in the playoffs.



As for the Bears. This is the beginning of the end for them. Even if they beat Minnesota on Monday they will lose their last two games against the Jets and Green Bay, costing them the division (even though they got a huge break when Green Bay lost to Detroit). The wild cards will go the Giants and Saints and the Bears will be home for the playoffs.

Sure, It was For His Nephew, Right
After the Eagles defeated his Cowboys 30-27, Cowboys running back Tashard Choice asked Eagles quarterback Michael Vick for his autograph. I know some people had a problem with this, maybe it’s undignified for one player to ask another for an autograph, maybe Choice should have been more somber after a loss (like Derek Anderson). I say give the guy a break, his nephew wanted Vick’s autograph.



Can’t Even Kick an Extra Point
Another embarrassing loss for the Redskins. Ryan Torain had 172 yards rushing but only 14 in the second half on only 6 carries, thanks to idiotic coaching. Thanks to crappy quarterbacking the Redskins started the second half with 3 straight 3 and outs. Thanks to crappy kicking, two missed field goals by Graham Gano, the Redskins need to kick a late extra point just to tie the game. Thanks to lousy long-snapping/holding, the Redskins blew the snap and cost themselves the game.

Not a Good Day for QBs
Here are some of the worst performance by quarterbacks on Sunday (listed in ascending order of rating):
Kyle Orton 27.1
Jay Cutler 32.9
Drew Stanton 39.4
Mark Sanchez 45.3
Carson Palmer 48.7
Brodie Croyle 48.9
Jake Delhomme 49.2
John Skelton 52.3

Amazingly, Drew Stanton and John Skelton were winning QBs. But as the temperature drops, so do the QB ratings.

Have a Nice Trip, See You Next Fall
How did the Jets not fire strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi? He deliberately stuck his knee out to interfere with Nolan Carroll on punt coverage. I like the fact that he came forward and admitted it right away without pretending it was an accident, but still for something this egregious, for such an inconsequential coach, I think the Jets should have given him the axe.

Cliff Lee Forfeits Millions So His Wife Won't Get Spit On

Free agent pitcher Cliff Lee shocks the world by turning down a 6-year, $132 million contract with the Yankees (with a possible 7th year at $16m) for a 5-year, $108 million (with a likely 6th year at $25m UPDATED) with the Phillies, all because Yankees fans are disgusting pigs.
Kristen Lee was harassed by Yankees fans during the ALCS.
She says they were spitting and throwing beer in her direction and shouting obscenities.
"The fans did not do good things in my heart," she said. "When people are staring at you, and saying horrible things, it's hard not to take it personal."
At the time Lee downplayed the incident because he wanted to keep the Yankees involved in the bidding.
But it’s obvious he didn’t want his family subjected to that behavior for 6 years, especially after these comments were publicized, putting a target on her back.
I mean if you would rather be surrounded by Phillies fans, you must have a pretty low opinion of those people you are likely to run into at a Yankees game.

As for the baseball side of this deal, it obviously gives the Phillies an historically great starting rotation – on paper.
But that is why grass was invented, so we wouldn’t have to play games on paper.
First of all, in baseball we know nothing is for certain, there are injuries and disappointing performances. And even if the Phillies do dominate the regular season, the playoffs can be a crapshoot, they could lose in the first round.
I think this acquisition gives the Phillies a 10 (Halladay), a 9 (Lee), an 8 (Oswalt) and a 7 (Hamels). If one guy gets hurt and one guy has a disappointing year, then their staff really isn’t that much better than it was last year.
And before we start crowning Lee (if you wanna crown him, then crown his ass), we should note that out of 7 full seasons he only has one ERA below 3.00. So in that bandbox it’s not impossible to imagine him checking in with a 3.50 next season.

In summary:
1) As much as I hate the Yankees, I’d rather Lee signed with him, because they don’t directly compete with the Mets.
2) The Mets weren’t going to be able to challenge the Phillies this year anyway. Maybe in a couple years when they rebuild the Halladay and Lee will be in decline and the Phillies will be stuck with two aging pitchers earning $20 million per year.
3) Let’s not start sucking Cliff Lee’s dick just yet.

What Happens If You Get Punched in the Eye 50 Times

I have written several times about my dislike for the fighting style of Georges St. Pierre. It’s incredibly effective, but he never finishes fights.
I also hate Josh Koscheck, who is usually an exciting fighter, but is such a dick (and one of the worst The Ultimate Fighter Coaches not named Rampage ever) that he’s impossible to root for unless you’re JHughes (he loves dicks).
So it was good on two counts Saturday night that GSP finally fought an exciting fight (though he still didn’t finish) and Koscheck got his ass kicked.
GSP knew he wouldn’t have the distinct wrestling advantage he enjoys against other fighters, so he trained on his boxing. He boxed like a champ, breaking Koscheck’s orbital bone in the first round and pounding on it the rest of the fight.
Take a look at the picture below of Koscheck's severely fucked up eye.
The overall card was weak (so is the one for UFC 125) but at least the main event was fun to watch.

Bowl Mania Time

ESPN has its Bowl Mania game up for this year. It's simple. Pick every bowl game and rank them by confidence. This year you even get to pick against Syracuse. Group name is The Poop.

Weekly Picks

BOOM! Finally got that perfect 6 I've been looking for all season. I don't hear much from the haters this season. Every week last year when I was struggling some jerk popped off in the comments section. Nails literally cost himself thousands of dollars last year going against my advice out of spite. Now I've turned it around and all I hear are crickets. Anyway, the strange thing is, I didn't feel confident going into last week, and basically chose my best bet at random, didn't matter. I feel good about a lot of games this week, so we'll see how that works out.

NEW YORK JETS -5 1/2 miami
They'll bounce back.

new york giants -3 MINNESOTA
Whichever quarterback starts for the Vikings is going to have a tough time. The Giants are so good at rushing the passer, running the ball, and throwing it, the only way they lose is when they turn it over. Apparently the G-Men had some travel complications so they aren't getting into Minnesota until Sunday morning, but that shouldn't effect them.

new england -3 CHICAGO
The Patriots are the best team in the league. The Bears are the worst 9-3 team in history. They will lose 3 of 4 and miss the playoffs.

cleveland +1 BUFFALO
Peyton Hillis becomes the first white running back to rush for 1000 yards in about 25 years. And they beat the Bills 13-10.

BEST BET
SAN DIEGO -9 kansas city
This spread has gone way up. I guess that's because Brodie Croyle is playing, and people would much rather look at Brodie Croyle's wife instead. Earlier this season I said betting against a team just because the backup quarterback is playing is often a bad idea. Not in this case. The Chargers are very good and they love to put their own backs against the wall. They will key on the run and force Croyle to beat them. He will throw 3 interceptions, then go home and fuck his hot wife.

Last week: 5-0 (6 points)
Season: 35-30 (38 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (8-5)
Home Favorites: 3-0 (12-9)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-0)
Road Favorites: 1-0 (12-14)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (10-7)

CNN Finally Gets a Sense of Humor

Poor Ali Velshi, he's always getting embarrassed like this. The funny thing is, I think the diarrhea scene from Dumb and Dumber was supposed to tease an upcoming story on irritable bowel disease. Is that a funny thing to mock with a movie clip? And even if they planned it, shouldn't they have known better than to do it right after the London riots, with no context at all?

Murray Chass is a Fuckin Moron

I have written before about my hatred for New York Times baseball writer Murray Chass. Now the old fool, who is somehow in the Hall of Fame, has embarrassed himself again.
In a recent article Chass ripped Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci for voting against former union leader Marvin Miller for the Hall of Fame.
Only problem is, Verducci voted for Miller. Chass was fed some bad info by Miller himself who was passing along hearsay about who may have voted against him.
Verducci returns fire, repeatedly referring to Chass as “the blogger.” This actually confused me when I was reading it, thinking he was referring to someone else because surely he would use “Chass” on second reference.
But apparently Chass hates bloggers (like all old-school (read: dead) media types) so this insult is likely to cut Chass to the core.

But beyond the petty dispute between sportswriters, and my ongoing hatred for Murray Chass, let me make a quick remark about Marvin Miller.
I do not think he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. In order for a non-player to make it, I think his contributions have to be undeniable and his legacy untainted.
Miller was integral in creating free agency, a major victory for the players and for fairness. His biggest legacy is the strong labor union.
The downside of that: the players’ strike of 1994 which led to the cancelation of the World Series, the Steroid Era which occurred in large part because of the union’s resistance to steroid testing and the lack of a salary cap which led to an unbelievable salary imbalance causing the near-death of baseball in about ten markets.
With all those negatives on his legacy there is no way Marvin Miller deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.
And neither does Murray Chass.