3000 Words

Bears at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago stay cool by licking giant blocks of ice.



Bryan Devonshire stacks his chips at the World Series of Poker



Justin Bieber wears a Kelly Kapowski t-shirt

The Only Thing Mrs. Poop Ever Asked Me to Post

Authorities on Friday were trying to determine why Jani Lane, former lead singer of the 1980s glam-band Warrant, was at a Woodland Hills motel when he died Thursday.

Lane has a home in the South Bay, so it is unclear exactly why he was at the Ventura Boulevard motel, according to law enforcement sources familiar with the case. Alcohol and prescription drugs were found in the motel room, the sources said, but there was no indication he took intentionally took his own life.

An autopsy will determine how the 47-year-old Redondo Beach resident died, according to the Los Angeles County Coroner. Lane's body was found about 5:30 p.m. Thursday in a room at a Comfort Inn in the 20100 block of Ventura Boulevard in Woodland Hills.

Song of the Week

"Orchestrated Love Song" - Burlap to Cashmere
This is the first time I've featured a Christian Rock song as Song of the Week. But the concept "I want to live on a boat and sail away with my children" hits home for me. Unless it's about Jesus somehow.

End of Nights

Today is the first day of the rest of Mrs. Poop's life. Today she set an alarm, woke up, got in the shower and went to work.
The sun was out, it was 6:45am.
After toiling for 10 years on the night shift Mrs. Poop has moved to days and will be working 7a - 3:30p hopefully for the rest of her life.
Coupled with a recent change in my hours (I'm 5a - 2p, by choice) we are now a normal couple.
Well, not a normal couple. A strange couple with normal work schedules.
This is wonderful, it is something we have all been waiting a very long time for. Over the past four years Mrs. Poop and I have done a lot of single parenting, often while very tired, to accomodate each other's work and sleep schedules.
Now we will go to sleep at the same time, wake up at the same time (roughly) and come home from work at the same time.
We hope will not constantly feel tired anymore. It is now safe to call our home at anytime between normal phone call hours (8a - 8p) and have no fear that someone's slumber will be disturbed.
The only problem: child care. It's nearly impossible to find a daycare to accomodate Mrs. Poop's sporadic (5 days every 2 weeks, 2 of which are weekends) and erratic (the days are never the same) work schedule. So we are turning to our parents (who are beyond wonderful and helpful to us) and a friend of Mrs. Poop's who is willing to watch our two rugrats in addition to two of her own.
A new page in our lives begins today. Or maybe Wednesday when we hope our kids don't force their new babysitter to send them back immediately.

I Guess That Makes Sense

Mrs. Poop and I just passed a new restaurant called "Stacks."
She said "we should try that place."
"Oh yeah? What do they have there?"
"Take a guess"
"Waitresses with large breasts?"
"Pancakes"
"That was my next guess."

You Win Some, You Lose Some, You Win Some

Every year in Maine we carefully plan our activities around the weather. We usually have only 5 or 6 days so if we plan non-beach activities on a sunny day, and end up with nothing to do on a rainy day, a good portion of our vacation will have been misspent.
This is why Mrs. Poop carefully selected the day we would take Chase to the amusement park at the pier.
We bought the unlimited ticket and for $23 (it's $2.40 for individual rides) little Chase could ride to his heart's content.

He rode the bear, the elephant...



the motorcycle, the jeep and several others.



We counted. He got to 10. And then they shut the ride down because of an impending thunderstorm. We thought it would pass. It didn't, we never got back on the rides.

But we did hit the arcade. At first we were just waiting under cover hoping the rain would stop. Then we all started to get antsy until I spotted a video game the whole family could enjoy: Deal or No Deal.

In the arcade version of the game you play for tickets instead of dollars. I let Chase pick every case number by hitting the buttons and he chose case 10, then proceeded to go on a ridiculous run, nailing 5 of the 6 smallest cases in the first round. We decided to keep going all the way to the end because we still had the 1000 tickets in play. But when we eliminated 75 with 3 cases less I told Chase to take the deal.



The best part of it was, it took a few minutes to play the game, but it took at least 10 minutes for it to dispense 502 tickets. And unlike the old days they don't want their functionally illiterate counter employees counting tickets. So when you are done, you have to insert your tickets into another machine to count them. Then it prints you one slip with a big number on it and you take that to the toy counter.




That took another 10 or 15 minutes. Chase ended up with a light up toy car that wasn't even worth the two dollars we put into the game, but by the time we were done it had let up sufficiently to allow us to go somewhere else for dinner.
A good deal if you ask me.

Song of the Week

"Into You" - Fabolous featuring Tamia
One of the best love songs in rap history.
"I don't bring the problems from the 90s into two-thou"

The Human Fund Starring George Costanza

A popular trend on youtube is recutting movies or shows (often several episodes) into one funny, but misleading movie trailer. There are tons of these on youtube, including many just for Seinfeld alone. But this is the best one, "The Human Fund."



I also liked "Jerry the Great"



But the recut by which all other recuts must be measured is this alternate trailer for "The Shining."

S.U.C.K.M.E Beautiful

There is a long-held theory among Mets fans about the team's inability to hit unknown, rookie pitchers with less than impressive resumes.
There's even a name for it: Some Unknown Chucker Kills Mets Everytime.
SUCKME!
When the Washington Nationals traded Jason Marquis (he's a good boychik) they needed a last-minute replacement.
They plucked Yuniesky Maya from their Triple A affiliate in Syracuse.
At Syracuse, Maya had a 1-7 record and a 5.32 ERA.
Entering his start against the Mets he was 0-1 with a 6.86 ERA.
So of course against the Mets he doesn't give up a hit until there are 2 outs in the 4th and ends up pitching 5 1/3 scoreless innings.
SUCKME!

If Sam Kinison Were Alive Today

The Gates Foundation is spending $1.7B on farming in Africa. There are two major obstacles to curing hunger in Africa. We have spent years and years and billions and billions of dollars and made hardly a dent. Reason #1: The warlords who run these countries enrich themselves and don't share the aid with the people.
I'll let Sam Kinison explain Reason #2:



"We have deserts in America. We just don't live in them asshole."

Do the Right Thing

The 2011 New York Mets are a fun bunch. They have shown a lot of spunk, heart and fight in maintaining an above-.500 record through two-thrids of the season despite the injuries which have sidelined Johan Santana, David Wright, Ike Davis and even Jason Bay.
But it's time to face reality: they are not making the playoffs. Baseball Prospectus gives them just a 3.6% chance. They are 6 1/2 games behind the Braves in the wild card race. And if you consider their chances against the Giants in the first round, I'd give the Mets a less than 2% chance of making the NLCS.
Under those circumstances I agree with the decision to trade Carlos Beltran to San Francisco for Zack Wheeler. So far this year Wheeler is 7-5 with a 3.99 ERA in Class A. He's hardly setting the world on fire, but he is considered a good prospect.
Being realistic about the organization, it is definitely the right move to trade a 2% chance of making the NLCS (assuming that gets wiped down to zero without Beltran, which isn't necessarily the case) for a good pitching prospect.
The 2012 Mets don't need an aging overpaid outfielder so even without the trade there was almost no chacne Beltran was going to be resigned for next season.



What to do about Jose Reyes is a much more difficult question. At this point I am convinced the Mets should keep him for the rest of the season. They obviously are playing above expectations, they haven't gotten a knock-your-socks-off offer and unlike Beltran, they can get two draft picks for letting Jose walk as a free agent.
And that's what I think the Mets should do.
I love Jose Reyes as much as the next guy but we have to face facts. He is having an unbelievable season, and is unlikely to duplicate it, especially as he gets older. Reyes is only 28, which is still young but a player of his style is likely to decline at an earlier age than a home run hitter. That is why I am wary of giving him a deal of 6 or 7 years.



If I were the Mets I would offer 5-years, $100 million (I think they can swing this despite the Madoff problems) and if he wants longer or more I would say "vaya con dios."

Even with Reyes, I don't think the 2012 Mets would be a World Series threat. The outfield is still very weak, unless Bay has an amazing rebirth. The starters are still questionable. We have no idea what Santana is going to be and we can't expect ERAs of lower than 3.50 for Pelfrey, Niese and Gee so I still don't feel confident about the starting rotation. And the bullpen will be a major weak spot, though under no circumstances should the Mets sign a big money closer, that's almost always a losing proposition. I also don't think Bobby Parnell has the temperament to close games.

In short, I'm saying what I have been saying for years. The Mets need to stop worrying about today, stop worrying about getting fans into CitiField this season, stop worrying about the New York Post, stop worrying about WFAN and start worrying about building a farm system that will create a World Series contender 3, 4 or 5 years down the line.

What Do You Give Me For? Cassi Colvin from Big Brother and Olivia Wilde

What do you give me for Cassi Colvin from Big Brother and Olivia Wilde?

I've Always Wondered About This

Even if you are not gay you might often wonder how male/male relationships work, sexually. How do they decide who gets to put it in whose ass and when? Do they each get a turn? Or does one guy get one night, and the other gets the next?

Thanks to your tax dollars we now have the answers. The National Institutes of Health subsidized a study on gay mens' penis size.

Here's what they found out:

Gay men who felt they had small or inadequate penis sizes were more likely to become “bottoms,” or anal receptive, while gay men with larger penises were more likely to identify themselves as “tops,” or anal insertive.

That seems a little counterintuitive to me. But what do I know about gay sex?

Song of the Week

"None of Your Friends Business" - Ginuwine
"mmmm mmmm damn mmmm"
Definitely one of my favorite songs from the late-90s/early aughts era in R&B.

What Do You Give Me For? Kim Kardashian and Old Navy Model

What do you give me for Kim Kardashian and the chick in the Old Navy ad?
Kardashian is suing Old Navy's parent company, Gap, over the Super C-U-T-E ad featuring Melissa Molinaro. Kardashian says the company purposely used a lookalike and people are mistakenly thinking that she is the one endorsing Old Navy clothes.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Pastor Joe Nelms delivering the prayer before the NASCAR Nationwide race this weekend:



Here's a picture of Pastor Nelms and his smoking hot wife Lisa:

Funny or Douchey?

At the World Series of Poker each year there is a Ladies Event and a Seniors Event. Both are $1,000 buy-ins and attract huge fields. It's either unlawful or against some rule for the casino to strictly prohibit people from entering a tournament solely based on their gender or age. But most people respect the intentions and don't enter unless they fit the qualifications.
But not Jonathan Epstein. He entered the Ladies Event, without even having the decency to dress in drag.
Before the knee-jerk reaction consider this: there's a lot of dead money in this tournament, a lot of dumb, hot chicks whose boyfriends staked them. Maybe Epstein is just trying to make some money. Or maybe he's protesting the inherent unfairness of exclusionary tournaments.
Consider that before you vote on whether a guy playing in the Ladies Tournament is Funny or Douchey? You may also need to view this one as more of a "Douchey/Not Douchey" since it's not inherently funny because as I mentioned earlier, he didn't dress in drag.

One of My Favorite Games Ever

25 years ago today, July 22, 1986, Dave Parker dropped a foul ball and started a movement.
The Mets were trailing the Reds 3-2 when they got a 2-out gift in the top of the 9th. Dave Parker dropped a fly ball and his expression of disgust (a slight punch of his fist in the air) became a symbol of dismay for many of us during our high school years.
The Mets tied the game and then in the 10th inning, it became a game for the ages.
Eric Davis and Ray Knight got into a turf war at third base leading to a bench-clearing brawl.



The ejections forced Gary Carter to play third base and the Mets to use pitchers in the outfield. Roger McDowell and Jesse Orosco shuttled back and forth between the outfield and the mound. Davey Johnson had seen Herzog do it earlier in the year with Worrell and a lefty, so he thought it would be interesting to try. Interesting to try, and interesting to watch.

The Mets won the game in the 14th on a 3-run homer by Howard Johnson.

The game was immortalized in the 1986 Mets highlight video "A Year to Remember."

I Was So Cute Once, What Happened?

Three years ago someone posted on Facebook a JCC Camp picture from 1984. That picture featured me, The Concierge, Focks and Washington Nationals pitcher Jason Marquis.
Here's another one recently posted. It's from 5th grade. I might be easy to spot. But there is another Poophead in there who might be a little harder to pick out from the crowd.

What Do You Give Me For? Cars 2 Edition

A little bit different for WDYGMF? this time, no voting, just marveling at how good a job the Pixar people do. I really think these cars do look like the people they intend to invoke.

Lewis Hamilton and Lewis Hamilton


Jeff Gordon and Jeff Gorvette


Prince William and Prince Wheeliam


Brent Musberger and Brent Mustangberger