Weekly Picks

I don't even know what to do anymore, except try to pick the Giants as my best bet. I've picked them three times, they are 0-3 ATS and 1-2 overall (ECPs, Bengals and Redskins).

atlanta -3 CAROLINA
I know the Falcons haven't been super-impressive lately but the Panthers stink. They just lost to the Chiefs. 3 points doesn't seem big enough here.

houston +3 1/2 NEW ENGLAND
That extra half-point makes Houston very attractive to me.

TAMPA BAY -7 philadelphia
The ExpensiveCornPrices are coming off a loss and can't afford another one. The Eagles are in total meltdown mode. I think the Eagles season is like a snowball rolling downhill. The worse it gets the more they quit.

SEATTLE -9 1/2 arizona
If the Cardinals struggle on offense against bad defenses what is going to happen when they play a good defense? And the Seahawks are undefeated at home.

BEST BET
INDIANAPOLIS -5 tennessee
The Colts have something special going. But they don't win big. They play a lot of close games which is probably why they aren't a bigger favorite here.

Last Week: 1-4 (0 point)
Season: 27-38 (20 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (3-10)
Home Favorites: 0-2 (5-18)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (6-4)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (9-10)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (7-6)

How to Explain Hanukkah To Your Kids

Happy Hanukkah to all!

Song of the Week

"This Must Be Heaven" - Brainstorm
A beautiful 1970s soul classic. Smooth beat, great male/female duet, just absolutely awesome.

The NFL is Poop - Week 13

Let Them Play
At first I was against the NFL’s decision not to delay of cancel the Chiefs game in light of the murder/suicide committed by linebacker Jovan Belcher. Undeniably it’s an horrific situation, and I think asking the team and the fans to play a game just a day after it happened was insensitive at best and unfeeling at worst. I know it would have been a major inconvenience for the fans and it would have cost the team and the networks money. I doubt anyone would have complained too loudly about being disrupted by a tragedy such as this. But in the end the game went on as planned and the NFL said it was because of Romeo Crennel and the Chiefs. And as hokey as it may sound playing the game, the normal routine, may have helped the Chiefs get over it. The team hadn’t played with a lead all season (their only win came in sudden death) and finally won another game.

"As far as playing the game, I thought that was the best for us to do, because that's what we do," Crennel said, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "We're football players and football coaches and that's what we do, we play on Sunday."
One of the most shocking parts of this is that when Belcher shot his girlfriend he fled to Arrowhead Stadium and Crennel and GM Scott Pioli were there trying to calm him down. Belcher shot himself in the head as Crennel and Pioli watched. If those are the circumstances, and Crennel still wants the game to proceed, then I’ll trust his judgement.

Better To Be Luck-y Than Good
In his first season Andrew Luck has had more incredible comebacks than most quarterbacks get in their lifetimes. When Luck threw an interception with under 7 minutes to go giving the Lions the ball and a 12 point lead, I thought the game was over.
But Luck immediately brought them back, scoring quickly on a 42-yard pass. 85 yard drive in a minute and 23 seconds. That was key because it forced Detroit to have to make a couple of first downs. They only made one, setting up Luck with 75 yards to go and 1:07 to get there.
And as time expired Luck hit Donnie Avery for the game-winning TD adding to his growing legend.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Another extraordinary game from Robert Griffin III. He ran at all the right times, threw some great passes, made plays when they needed to be made and got a little lucky. His fumble/swat that bounced right to Josh Morgan for a TD was admittedly a very fortuitous bounce.

There's a common expression in football, "the best offense is a good defense," because a good defense will set your offense up to score, or even score itself. But at the end of games the best defense is a good offense because the best way to keep a team from scoring to is to prevent them from getting the ball. When the Redskins got the ball back with 4 minutes to go I thought for sure I'd be biting my nails through a last-minute drive by Eli Manning. But Griffin ran for 8 yards on first down. Then he Pierre Garcon with what was pretty much the clincher. No points resulted from it, but that drive was crucial to winning the game.
The Redskins defense is horrible. The Giants cut through it with no problems at all. 60% on 3rd down, 5 plays of more than 20 yards, but in the second half they toughened up and made a couple key stops to secure the win.

Jumping Over a Low Bar
Greg McElroy is now the considered a savior in New York, not based on one drive, 29 yards passing and a touchdown, which was enough to win him the game and Player of the Game honors, but because he is not Mark Sanchez and not Tim Tebow.

Mark Sanchez threw up another stinker, 3 INTs in his first 9 pass attempts, and Tim Tebow was sidelined with a rib injury.

Note: not sure how serious the injury is but either he was just a decoy against the Patriots or he was benched this week so fans wouldn't start screaming his name the first time Sanchez fucked up.

Now the Jets have no choice but to start McElroy and see what happens. Sanchez has no future with them, nor does Tebow. Roll the dice with the new guy. The schedule is very favorable (@JAC, @TEN, SD, @BUF), and if they can somehow go 4-0 they have an outside shot at the playoffs.

Game of the Week
Seattle Seahawks 23 Chicago Bears 17
In any other year Russell Wilson would be a rookie sensation, the talk of the league, but in 2012, he's third-best. He led two great, late touchdown drives, one in regulation (another incredible TD by Golden Tate) and one in overtime. But had the Bears won the coin toss we might very well be talking about Jay Cutler and his 56-yard strike to Brandon Marshall setting up the game-tying field goal as time expired. A very frantic and exciting conclusion to this game.

Game of Next Week
Houston Texans and New England Patriots
This should be a shootout, and maybe an AFC title game preview.

Picture of the Week
All the football stuff pales in comparison this week to the Jovan Belcher suicide, the murder of Kasandra Perkins and the orphaning of their daughter, Zoey, 3-months.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Houston Texans 31 Atlanta Falcons 24
Nothing ever changes, and no one else is even close.

Staten Island Suicide

Felicia Garcia was a 15-year-old high school student in Staten Island. She went to Tottenville. She had a hard life, was living in foster care because both her parents died when she was younger. She was depressed and had been on medication to treat it. As many young girls do, even ones from loving homes, she sought to increase her self-esteem and popularity through promiscuity.

After a football game she went to a party. She had sex with four football players at the party.
And it had the opposite effect on her popularity. She was made fun of in school, bullied on Facebook and Twitter, and pushed to the edge literally.
She was going home from school, waiting on the platform for the train to arrive. When the train finally arrived, a friend said "finally." Felicia said "yeah, finally" and then leaned back in front of the oncoming train which could not stop in time.
A couple disturbing trends in our society came together to spell doom for Felicia Garcia. Young girls feeling the need to have sex to gain acceptance and the bullying culture that's allowed to fester and grow on the internet.

Note: This happened about a week before Sandy and I never had time to write about it until now.

3000 Words

The airhorn door-stopper, best prank ever.

I looked up cuckold in the dictionary.

Sofia Vergara eating a banana. And this is part of the reason why I don't eat bananas. Though I think she is using too much teeth here.

Go Away

The New York Jets are having a crisis, on the field, in the front office and even in the stands. Their lovable unofficial mascot, Fireman Ed is retiring. I don't really give two shits about Fireman Ed. I thought he was cool at first, when he was just a devoted fan who cared passionately about the team.

But as time passed his schtick grew old, lost its novelty and the notoriety seemed to go to his head.
And evidently I'm not the only one who feels this way, Juice even told me I shouldn't write this post because Fireman Ed isn't important enough.
And while neither Juice nor I would ever fight Fireman Ed or insult him over this but some fans did. And that is why Fireman Ed is retiring. According to him, too many fans have taken out their frustrations with the team on him. At games, in the bathroom, in the parking lot, people yell at him like he is part of the team, he isn't, or they think his tickets are comped, they're not.
So I have no sympathy for Fireman Ed, he milked his very benign gimmick for all it's worth and now, appropriately it is time for him to move on.
But if I had to choose a dog in this fight, I would pick Fireman Ed over the drunk, obnoxious louts like those heard here berating the Jets as they went into the locker room at halftime of the Thanksgiving Massacre against the Patriots.

Weekly Picks

Another debacle best bet. I have lost a best bets in many ways, but never on an 8 turnover performance. That was ugly.

CHICAGO -3 seattle
Jay Cutler is back. Seattle is off the Adderall. Maybe I'll have more on this Adderall thing in the NFL is Poop on Tuesday.

NEW YORK JETS -6 arizona
How can a team that bad be a 6-point favorite? Things tend to turn around quickly, espcially when things go that wrong.

indianapolis +6 DETROIT
I wanted to avoid the overcrowding on the Colts bandwagon but taking the points here makes too much sense.

OAKLAND +2 cleveland
Maybe I am continuing to underrate the Browns.

BEST BET
new york giants -3 WASHINGTON
Again, this is not a reverse jinx. This is a serious bet that Giants are once again ready to go on one of their ridiculous Super Bowl runs. And the Redskins only looked good the past two weeks because the Eagles and Cowboys are miserable.

Last Week: 2-3 (1 point)
Season: 26-34 (20 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (3-9)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (5-16)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (6-3)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (9-9)
Road Underdogs: 1-1 (6-6)

Splitting the Baby

NBA Commissioner David Stern fined the Spurs $250,000 for resting their best players, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green against the Miami Heat. Not just resting them, sending them on a plane back to San Antonio.
Mostly I side with David Stern on this, not because of what Popovich did, but they way he did it. He didn't alert the league in a timely fashion as he is supposed to, which is the official rule Stern used to support his fine. And he didn't do it because his players needed rest, because if that were the case he could have given them different nights off.
He did it as a fuck you to the league for what he thought was unfair scheduling. It was the Spurs 6th road game in 9 nights so Pop was being a dick about it. I think he tanked the game in what should have been a great showdown between two top teams and a potential Finals preview. But there a lot of circumstances in Pop's favor. First of all, it's his team and he can do what he wants. Stern intervening creates a slippery slope argument. He never gets involved when playoff bound teams rest their stars late in the season. And he seldom says anything about covert tanking by bad teams trying to get a draft pick.
Don't forget, the Spurs almost won the game.
Also, Pop has done stuff like this before, resting the Big 3 all at once, I presume risking only one game, instead of 3 if he spaces out their rest days. I think he track record also speaks in his favor which is why I am so torn about this.
I really don't like punishing people based on their intentions or motivations but I totally agree that what he did and the way he did it is in fact contrary to the best interests of the league.

I Knew Horses Didn't Belong on Staten Island

Whenever I go to Staten Island to visit Mama and Papa Poop I always take the first exit after the Goethals Bridge to avoid the occasional backup on the Staten Island Expressway. I take the service road to South Avenue and then a left on Travis Ave to Richmond Ave. There are two things Chase likes about Travis, this big dip in the road that makes his stomach drop, and the horses in the backyard on the corner of Travis and Victory.
We have seen these horses several times and on each occasion we commented on how out of place these animals were in Staten Island, especially on this busy intersection, and how feeble the fence around their area was.
Our fears were realized as the Shetland pony and a zebra escaped and ran down Victory Boulevard.



Apparently the homeowner has the animals for petting zoos. And that is why he recently acquired the zebra (explaining why we had never seen it before). He says the animals escaped when he was feeding them, though I have my doubts and suspect the breached the fence.

I now wish I had photographed and written about these animals before this incident occurred.

Does Dennis Leonard Deserve a Cut?

Two people split the $588M ($384M lump sum) Powerball jackpot. One of the tickets was purchased in Missouri, so speculation has run rampant as to whether the winner picked his or her numbers based on the jerseys of Royals greats from their Golden Years of the 70s and 80s.

Here are the winning numbers: 5, 16, 22, 23 and 29. And the powerball was 6.

And here are the 6 players who supposedly inspired the winner.

George Brett, Bo Jackson, Dennis Leonard, Mark Gubicza, Dan Quisenberry and Willie Wilson.

Dennis Leonard, really? No #34 for Paul Splittorf? Or #31 for Brett Saberhagen? That's why I find this a little hard to believe. I think you could probably do this for almost any team for almost any lottery. So I am a little skeptical.

I am also a little skeptical of this video which purports to show the other winner, the Arizona ticket, checking his numbers at a convenience store. Witnesses say he scanned the ticket, shouted "I won" and took off. He hasn't surfaced since. And what was he doing in Maryland just days after buying a ticket in Arizona?

This is The Poop on Drugs

Please click on this link.

There's an hysterical site out there gizoogle.net that "shizzles" any website. It changed The Poop to Da Shizzle.

Try it with any site. The more serious the better.

Story suggested by Razor

Who the Hell Does Google Think You Are?

Google thinks I am a male, age 25-34 who speaks English. Google thinks I like basketball, politics, soul music and poultry. Google tracks all my activities and creates a profile for me, so it can better tailor its advertising to my interests. I'm sure Gogole does the same for you. Click here to find out what Google thinks of you: https://www.google.com/settings/ads/onweb/

That Meth Addiction

Those of you who were avid viewers of "That 70s Show" like Mrs. Poop, or married to an avid viewer, you may not know the name Lisa Robin Kelly. But you may know her pretty face. She played Eric Forman's hot sister.

This is what her face looks like now.

Kelly was arrested in North Carolina after a fight with her 61-year old husband. She's 42 which means she was playing a college age hottie while in real life she was 28-32. They were charged with assaulting each other. But you can clearly see Kelly has bigger problems. Her looks have been damaged by what is clearly a years-long meth addiction.

You can also see the years of meth abuse on the face of Jael Strauss. In 2003, she was a contestant on America's Next Top Model. In 2012, she is America's Top Methhead.

What Do You Give Me For? Richard Trumka and Alex Karras aka George Papadopolis

What do you give me for detested union leader Richard Trumka and beloved actor and athlete Alex Karras, better known as George Papadopolis.

Laugh Just a Little

While Staten Island is still recovering from Superstorm Sandy comedian Louis CK did a benefit show there (two actually) and raised $150,000 for the relief efforts.

And apparently, he texted Chris Rock the afternoon of the show, convinced him to come along and Rock was persuaded to be the opening act.

"Nothing but Wu-Tang and Republicans out here!" is how Rock described Staten Island.

And he joked about September 11th (is that possible?), saying "You know we're 10 years away from 9/11 sales: ‘Come down to Red Lobster, where everything's $9.11 all day!’"

Louis CK took the stage for a solid hour, and mostly stayed away from joking about the circumstance, instead focusing on his normal topics, like dating

“Why would a woman ever want to meet a man, alone, at night, ever? Men are the number one threat to women!”

Jerry Seinfeld will be performing next week at the same St. George Theater. And even though this was planned before Sandy (it was actually scheduled for November 1) Seinfeld will still donate all the proceeds to Sandy relief.

Song of the Week

"First Date" - 50 Cent featuring Too Short

The "Boy" is Back

I am at once delighted and apprehensive about the news I heard today, confirmation of a rumor that surfaced a while back.
Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel have officially signed on to play Cory Matthews and Topanga Lawrence-Matthews in a Disney Channel pilot.
The show would be called "Girl Meets World" and it would be from the point of view of their daughter, 13-year-old Riley.

Note: Cory and Topanga graduated high school in 1998. Meaning they were born in 1980. They would be 33 in 2013. That means they would have had a baby when they were 20, which seems kind of young.

There's no word on whether Mr. Feeny will still be teaching at John Adams High School when young Riley enrolls.

Or if Uncle Eric and best friend Shawn will be involved.

All we know is that Billy, Jleary and I have very high hopes for this series. But I'm a little nervous that this show will be written for 13-year-old girls. And considering I couldn't relate to 13-year-old girls, when I was a 13-year-old boy, not sure the show will appeal to me now.

But either way, I will be watching.

The NFL is Poop - Week 12

Make a Tackle
The San Diego Chargers are once again cementing their status as a perennial disappointment. After winning 3 of their first 4, they have lost 6 of 7 since. The latest one an epic collapse against the Ravens punctuated by a humiliating 4th and 29 conversion. After a holding penalty, and a 9-yard loss on a sack, the Ravens faced 4th and 29 at their own 37. Flacco threw a short pass to Ray Rice who weaved through the entire Chargers defense and came down with just enough yardage for the first down (the initial ruling was overturned on review). It was the longest 4th down conversion (non-penalty) since Rob Johnson hit Peerless Price for a 40-yard touchdown on 4th-and-34 in 2001. Baltimore got a last-second field goal on that drive to tie, and eventually won in overtime.

I Can't Make Up My Mind About This
The Atlanta Falcons won again, beating the ExpensiveCornPrices 24-23 to improve their record to 10-1. A controversial decision by Greg Schiano may have helped them. Many people are killing him for it, but I am really undecided. Here's the situation: 4th and 7 from the Atlanta 38. 3:30 left, 3 timeouts. Schiano sent his kicker out for a 56-yard try which missed. Should he have punted instead and tried to play defense? Unless you get a perfect punt, chances are they're going to take over from their own 20. After a missed FG, they took over at the 46. So would you trade 26 yards of field position for a field goal attempt. I think you have to try. Because even if you miss, and you stop them on 3 downs and make them punt, you still get another goo offensive possession. As it turned out, the Falcons picked up two first downs and pretty much salted the game away.

It Happens to the Best of Them
I think the percentage of teams that win when they allow a defensive touchdown is about 15-20%. Allowing two defensive touchdowns is probably a death sentence. And so it was for the Saints against the 49ers. The first one was a real game-changer. The Saints had just picked off Kaepernick, and had the ball around midfield, right before the end of the first half. A couple first downs and a field goal would have meant a 17-7 halftime lead. Instead it was 14-14. The second one pretty much ended it. The 49ers scored on their first possession of the second half and then Brees threw the INT on second down. 3 touchdowns in 4 minutes of game time.

And to the Worst of Them
The Cardinals started off 4-0 and haven't won since. Their latest horrible quarterback, John Lindley, threw 4 interceptions total, 2 of them returned for touchdowns by Janoris Jenkins. Jenkins started off his college career at Florida but was arrested twice in 2009 for bar fights, and cited by police twice in 2011 for marijuana. He was dismissed from the team and played one season at the University of North Alabama. He was taken with the 39th pick in the draft, despite clearly having first round talent. He seems to be well on his way to repaying the Rams for the faith they placed in him.

Worst Game of the Week
Cleveland Browns 20 Pittsburgh Steelers 14
Just an incredibly embarrassing and poorly played game. The Steelers were starting their 3rd string quarterback, Charlie Batch. But he is a 16-year veteran, they treated him like he was a rookie. They ran on almost every down, except obvious passing situations. By the middle of the second quarter they opened it up a little and he passed for 52 yards (and got another 25 on a pass interference call) on a touchdown drive that gave Pittsburgh a 14-13 lead at the half. Too bad they had to play the second half. The Steelers had the ball 8 times in the second half: punt, interception, punt, interception, punt, interception, fumble, fumble. 5 turnovers in the second half, 8 in all, 3 more fumbles that the Steelers either recovered or went out of bounds.

Worst Game of Next Week
Carolina Panthers at Kansas City Chiefs
I actually think the Panthers should be big favorites here, even though they're on the road. As much as Cam Newton has regressed, he's better than anyone Kansas City can throw out there.

Game of Next Week
New York Giants at Washington Redskins
The Giants can really announce themselves as reborn and on their way to another incredible Super Bowl Run with a win here. The Redskins can announce themselves as playoff contenders, which considering the injuries, the cap hit and the lack of talent in year 1 of the RGIII era would be an amazing accomplishment.

Picture of the Week
The sprinklers go off in the middle of the Dolphins-Seahawks game.

Cheerleaders of the Week
Megan Meadors & Crystal Anne LastNameWithheld of the Indianapolis Colts Cheerleaders Megan promised to shave her head in solidarity with cancer-stricken coach Chuck Pagano if fans raised $10,000 for the IU Simon Cancer Center. They raised $22,000 so Crystal Anne offered up her hair as well.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Atlanta Falcons 24 Houston Texans 23
Neither of these teams was particularly impressive and they both got lucky (Houston especially) to win. But so far Baltimore and San Francisco haven't done enough to dethrone them.

Worst. Restaurant Review. Ever!

Celebrity chef Guy Fieri opened a new restaurant. The New York Times reviewer Pete Wells did not like it. What ensued was one of the worst reviews in restaurant history.

"Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?"

As you can see, Guy Fieri and Emily Dickinson don't look alike at all.

"Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?"

Why is the watermelon margarita blue? That doesn't make sense.

"How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeños instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?"

"Somewhere within the yawning, three-level interior of Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, is there a long refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries, already limp and oil-sogged, are also served cold?"

"And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?"

"Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?"

If you want to read the entire epic takedown of this restaurant here is the full New York Times review of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar.

But consider this: I don't think this is going to hurt the restaurant's business. The likely clientele of this establishment, budget tourists and families with children, probably have far less discerning tastes than a New York Times food critic. And there are few other affordable and appropriate food options for them in Times Square. I'm sure the Olive Garden would have gotten a similarly dreadful review from the New York Times, but the one in Times Square is packed. More importantly though, this could foment an entire new kind of tourism, people going there just to see how bad it is. Like a food version of a train crash. Our team has even discussed having our annual holiday lunch there, just to see how it is. If we do, I will let you know.