The NFL is Poop - Week 1

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
This is the first time I've ever started an NFL is Poop with the rant about the Redskins. But there is good reason. I think we have the franchise QB I have been pining for since a drug-addled Lawrence Taylor broke Joe Theismann's leg. Robert Griffin III played an unbelievable game, clearly outplaying Brees. He ran only when necessary and when he passed he was spot on.
The pass to Garçon for the first touchdown was almost right on target (a little high) to hit Garçon in stride and lead him away from defenders. Maybe his best play of the game was the first one of the second quarter. He scrambled, threw to Fred Davis right on the sideline for a 26-yard gain to set up the second touchdown.
The offensive and defensive game plans got a little too conservative, allowing the Saints to get back in the game. But the schedule is pretty easy coming up (@ Rams, Bengals, @ExpensiveCornPrices) and if Griffin continues to play this well, this could turn out to be a better season than I thought. And if not this year, maybe next, or further down the road, but eventually this guy is going to develop into a great quarterback. And I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself.

Maybe Jets Fans Overreacted to the Preseason
The New York Jets just ended the most scrutinized preseason ever. And if you believe the experts, and the over-dramatic fans, you would have thought the Jets would never score a point, let alone win a game. They scored 1 touchdown in the preseason, 6 in Week 1 (4 by the offense). There is still reason to doubt Mark Sanchez, I am sure he will throw some dumb interceptions, but Tim Tebow is not going to be the reason why. And speaking of Tebow, he was in on a handful of snaps, but contributed nothing meaningful. Even though he can't be a QB, he does have value, and when the Jets figure out how to use him their offense will be even better.
But I should also caution against overreacting to Week 1.

Rookie Quarterbacks
For the first time in history 5 rookie quarterbacks started on Opening Day. Robert Griffin III was great. Andrew Luck was bad (3 INTs) but I still believe in his long-term potential. I have no confidence in Ryan Tannehill, he seems like a classic reach, especially because his old college coach probably begged for him. Brandon Weeden sucked, he may be in over his head. But he doesn't have the luxury of time, because if the Browns let him start the season on the bench, he'd be 30 by the time he got in the game. Russell Wilson is more of an enigma. I know people like his intangibles, but I like tangibles a lot more. I suspect Colt McCoy and Matt Flynn will be starting by Week 9.

Who's The Manning?
I'm pretty sure I heard something in the offseason about Peyton Manning having been injured. ESPN didn't cover it much but I'm sure it's true. He didn't look rusty at all in leading the Broncos to a win over the Steelers. Manning his getting old, and his day will come, but not right now.
Poor Steelers, their last two games, both losses, both to the Broncos to the two most disparate QBs in NFL history.

Replacement Refs
The replacement referees did just fine in Week 1. There were a few blown calls but nothing affecting the outcome of a game. And just remember, the regular officials screw up sometimes too.
There were no incidents of violence, of games getting out of control. I thought player safety was a specious argument in this case anyway. We were supposed to believe that a player would try to take advantage of inexperienced referees and deliver an illegal blow? First of all that's assuming the players are their own worst enemies. And it also ignores the fact that the league office is still reviewing those plays and has the ability to levy fines for those offenses. I think the NFL referees will come to their senses and be unwilling to risk their jobs. I predict the strike will end before Week 3.

Picture of the Week
Detroit Lions offensive lineman Jeff Backus stretches his pants so much that they become see through. Thankfully, there is a center panel sewn in there.

Game of The Week
Minnesota 26 Jacksonville 23
This could be the last time I mention these teams in this column this season. But a couple interesting things here. First of all, Maurice Jones-Drew ended his holdout, Adrian Peterson came back from injury, which was nice. Also this was the first regular season game with the new overtime rules. And the new system worked out fairly well, with the Jaguars getting a chance in OT after the Vikings kicked only a field goal on their possession. I think this is a more fair overtime system which should produce some more exciting games in the future.

Game of Next Week
Denver Broncos at Atlanta Falcons
Peyton Manning looks back. Julio Jones looks awesome. This game could be a real shootout.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
San Francisco 49ers 24 Baltimore Ravens 20
This would play well in the Harbaugh household. Both defenses looked good. Both quarterbacks looked good. I think the Harbaugh Bowl is a real possibility.

Is He Better Off Than He Was Four Years Ago?

On September 27, 2008, Ryan Reynolds married Scarlett Johansson.

On September 9, 2012, Ryan Reynolds married Blake Lively.

Weekly Picks

Back for another season of mediocre picks and my frustration at never getting my best bet. Week 1 is often very difficult to figure. Teams we think are pulling off upsets actually turn out to be good, and teams we thought were good had disappointing seasons.

philadelphia -9 CLEVELAND
I would have made this my best bet but didn't want to start off with a big road favorite. I really like the Eagles this year. They have a lot of talent and suffered a lot of injuries last year. Should be better this year. Also the Browns stink and Brandon Weeden may be in over his head.

atlanta -2 1/2 KANSAS CITY
The Falcons are another team I think will be better this season. They have a lot of weapons on offense and could put up a lot of points. Kansas City is always supposed to be improved, but seems like they never are.

ARIZONA +2 1/2 seattle
Seems like everyone is going nuts over the Seahawks, but I think it's a bit premature.

san diego +2 OAKLAND
I'm banking on the Chargers to finally fulfill their promise this year now that no one is expecting them to do much. They still have a lot of talent and I love Philip Rivers.

BEST BET
GREEN BAY -4 1/2 san francisco
I think the 49ers will have a hard fall back to earth this season. The Packers also will lose a few more games than they did last year but not starting with this game. The 49ers play good defense, but won't be able to shut down Rodgers.

The Incredible Shrinking Backpack

I guess Mrs. Poop put Chase's doggy backpack into the dryer.

first day of preschool

last day of preschool

But of course the doggy backpack is too immature for our kindergartner so this is what he will be sporting this year, and because of the cost, until high school.

Ready for the First Day of Kindergarten

But Mrs. Poop is going to have to get her own.

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

I don't care what political party you affiliate with, how much convention coverage you actually watch, we can all agree on one thing: we like cute kids. So I was thrilled to see Carina Castro continue in the fine tradition of Piper Palin. While her father, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro was speaking about her first day of school, Carina saw herself on the big screen in the arena:

Song of the Week

"Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" - Starship
"If this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other, nothing's gonna stop us now."
Happy 7th Anniversary to Mrs. Poop.
I choose this song not just because I like it but because the video is from her favorite movie, "Mannequin"

NFL Season Predictions

AFC East: New England Patriots
AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers
AFC South: Houston Texans
AFC West: Denver Broncos
AFC Wild Cards: San Diego Chargers, Baltimore Ravens
AFC Conference Championship: San Diego over New England

NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles
NFC North: Green Bay Packers
NFC South: Atlanta Falcons
NFC West: San Francisco 49ers
NFC Wild Cards: Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears
NFC Conference Championship: Green Bay Packers over Philadelphia Eagles

Super Bowl: Green Bay Packers 35 San Diego Chargers 21

Offensive Player of the Year: Philip Rivers
Defensive Player of the Year: Ndamukong Suh
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Trent Richardson
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Luke Kuechly
Coach of the Year: Norv Turner
Comeback Player of the Year: Peyton Manning

What Year is It?

For some reason my bank decided to change its routing number. That means I had to change it with every institution I have linked to my bank account for automatic payment and my employer for direct deposit. But it took one pay period for my employer to catch up, so I was sent a paycheck in the mail. An actual paycheck, on actual paper that I had to endorse and bring to the actual bank branch for deposit. At least I could use the ATM machine (that's for Razor) and marvel at the way it knows what amount the check is for. But when I got to the bank I saw that the ATM was out of order. So there I was, in 2012, bringing my paycheck to the bank, and waiting for a teller to help me deposit it. I thought for sure I had entered a time warp back to 1967.

Giant Vaginas Invade the RNC

I'm trying to stay out of the political debate this season but as I promised Damino, I would post absurdities from the campaign trail. So enjoy this picture of Code Pink members dressed as Giant Vaginas (Va-giants) to protest the GOP's supposed "war on women."

I'd point out that these vaginas don't look anatomically correct. Unfortunately I couldn't find a picture of the vagina emblazoned with the words "read my lips..."

This reminds of a classic post in Poop history.

Song of the Week

"I'm Going Down" - Bruce Springsteen
I am not a big Springsteen fan but if I had to choose one song, I actually kind of like this one.

I'm a Douche

I was so excited to finally take Chase to his first Mets game that I bought them the first day individual game tickets went on sale. I also immediately e-mailed my request to have a birthday message to Chase shown on the scoreboard.
I was very excited for this too, but my excitement turned to dread when I got an e-mail Friday night saying my message would be displayed at Saturday's game.
In my original e-mail, dated March 1, I requested the message be shown on "Sunday August 25th." Problem is, Sunday was the 26th.
After resigning myself to the fact that I would just have to buy the Fan Photo ($15 for a 4x6 picture with a Mets border) of the scoreboard, the Mets responded to my plea for leniency and said my message would instead be shown on Sunday, the correct game. And it was:

Douchey or no harm, foul?

Chase's First Mets Game: In Words

One of the biggest responsibilities of fatherhood is teaching your son about baseball. Baseball is very important to me and I want it to be important to my son (now sons). I think every young boy cherishes the memories of his first game, and I wanted it to be special for Chase as well. I decided I would wait until he was 5 years old to take him. Many people questioned my methods, and every time I saw a picture of another youngster at his or her first game I even doubted myself. But I wanted his first game to come when he could really appreciate it. When he could sit and watch without going to the bathroom or begging for ice cream every 5 minutes. I wanted him to be able to understand the game a little. I wanted him to be able to stay the whole game. And I wanted him to be old enough so that the things he saw that day would stay with him forever.
I made the right decision.
We got there early because I wanted to have plenty of time to walk around and to allow for traffic. We arrived at about 11:30. We walked into the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, the Mets Museum and the team store. At this point, slightly after noon, Chase decided he wanted to go to our seats. I wanted to take him to the Shea Bridge, but didn’t want to force him, because it was a lot of walking from where our seats were.
We sat down with 43 minutes to go until game time. I thought this was a recipe for disaster, but two things kept his attention: the planes and the groundskeepers. Every time a plane went by, he nudged me said “another plane, it’s kind of insane.” This wore off by about the 5th inning, after the 80th plane.
He loved the grounds crew. They were chalking lines, then loading the equipment onto a flatbed pulled by a little cart, which was driven around the warning track then through a gate in the outfield fence. Chase decided when he grows up he doesn’t want to be a player, “who bat and pitch,” he wants to be on the grounds crew, but “at Chase Field, because that’s my name.”
Before the game the home run apple is out of its hat and I explained that it would go down when the game starts and only come back up if a Met hits a home run. Right around the time he insisted the apple would never come back up, Ike Davis hit his first home run.
Luckily it was a very fast game, he wasn’t constantly begging for food. We got hot dogs in the 2nd (I brought a juicebox from home), and we missed the top of the 6th while we went to the concourse to pee and get ice cream (we got a cheap dippin dots imitation, which he loved). He really enjoyed the 7th inning stretch and singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
The game was just about 2 hours old when the Mets took a 1-0 lead into the top of the 9th. Of course they blew the game thanks to some typically horrible defense by Lucas Duda. But he redeemed himself by throwing a runner out at the plate to preserve the tie. I had to explain how you can throw a runner out. Then I had to explain what the Mets would have to do to get a run and win the game (I really thought we’d been over all this stuff).
It was around this time that Chase was starting to get antsy, with two pitching changes and a run scored the top of the 9th took quite a while. Chase was fidgeting with his hat, and his sunglasses, he climbed into the row behind us, then down into the row in front of us. He was actually in the row in front of me when Davis homered again to give the Mets the win. I scooped him up and gave him the biggest hug ever. Then we watched as Davis jumped into the crowd of his teammates at home plate. The entire section of excited Mets fans gave Chase high-fives, he loved it.
Now it was time for the Mr. Met Dash. The thing Chase was looking forward to most, the thing that likely prevented him from requesting an early departure. So we made our way down to the bullpen area, exited the ballpark and lined up by the chop shops on 126th Street.

The line wrapped all the way around the parking lot, under the subway tracks. I overheard a security person say it would take about an hour, then we walked another half a block. I was determined to stay and so was Chase. An industrious vendor with a cooler on wheels had Italian ices, only $2, since we were now outside the stadium area. That kept Chase busy for a while, and thankfully the line moved fairly quickly. Once you go to the stadium you entered by the bullpen, then snaked through hallways under the field. You come out in right field and walk down the warning track. The runners enter the field at first base and run the bases from there, stopping to high-five Mr. Met (or doing it in full stride like Chase).

Then they round third and head for home where they meet up with their parents and walk through some more corridors revealing nothing more exciting than the loading docks. I’m pretty sure I saw a chalkboard sign saying “8 days without an accident.” What kind of accident did they have 9 days ago?
By this time it was a little more than an hour after the game had ended and there was no parking lot traffic. Which was nice, but I would recommend any other two-parent families wishing to do the Mr. Met Dash send an emissary outside in the 8th.
But I am glad we didn’t do that, I’m glad we stayed until the bottom of the 9th to see a walk-off home run (and the apple again), I’m glad the Mets won, I’m glad Chase got to run the bases. And I’m glad I waited 5 years for this very special event, because it made it even more special.

Chase's First Mets Game -- In Pictures

Outside with the old apple.

The 1986 Mets World Series trophy.

Jackie Robinson Rotunda

Chase was obsessed with the planes flying overhead. Everytime one flew by, he hit me and said "Dad, look there's a plane, it's kind of insane, it's giving me a pain." I got tired of it by the first inning. He gave up by the 5th.

He loved the grounds crew and decided he'd rather to grow up to be one of them, than to be one of the players. Except he wants to go to Arizona and work at Chase Field.

A hot dog at the game beats roast beef at the Ritz.

Name on the scoreboard.

Mets win, Mets win!

A winning smile.

Mr. Met's dash, high-fiving Mr. Met at second base.

Stepping on home plate.

From Champ to Chump

For years my go-to argument about why MMA is better than boxing is because one central body makes the fights, always pitting the champion against the best contender. Until now. Light heavyweight champion Jon “Bones” Jones refused to fight Chael Sonnen after his scheduled opponent, Dan Henderson hurt his knee and pulled out of their title fight at UFC 151. As a result, UFC had to cancel the entire event, the first time in 11 years that has happened.
Dana White and UFC fans are furious at Jon Jones over this. Jones, on the advice of his trainer Greg Jackson, declined to fight Sonnen with little more than a week’s notice. Even though Sonnen normally fights at 185 lbs instead of 205, and wasn’t even in training for a fight.
I understand why Jones wants to protect himself from a loss against an opponent he is not ready for. But this happens quite often, fighters get hurt weeks or days before the fight, and the code of honor in the UFC dictates that you just take on the next challenger, especially since he’s usually someone less threatening than the original opponent.
But I think this is an instance where the UFC has become a victim of its own success. Because there is so much more at stake financially with being a top fighter, and especially a champion, those fighters are less willing to take risks. This is one example, Jones not willing to risk his title. We have recently seen a big increase in the number of fighters pulling out of fights due to injury. Dan Henderson probably could have fought with this injury but wouldn’t be able to perform at his absolute best. And he didn’t want to take that chance in such a crucial fight. I believe other fighters who recently pulled out of fights for injuries, may have ignored those same injuries 5 or 10 years ago.
I also think this is manifesting itself in individual fights. I have detected a big increase in the number of decisions, and boring fights. Fighters seem a lot less willing to “stand and bang,” knowing a loss, especially one by knockout would hurt their careers.
But I don’t think Jon Bones Jones realizes the damage he has done to his reputation. Just a year ago he was a great young fighter, the rising star of the UFC with strong mainstream possibilities. First, he got drunk and wrapped his Bentley around a pole which hurt him with the mainstream audience. And now he did this which has totally turned off serious MMA fans.
I still think he will have a long and successful MMA career, he just has too much talent for it not to happen. But he will never again be a fan favorite. He will be the Floyd Mayweather of MMA.

I Think Jim Joyce is Square with the Universe Now

Umpire Jim Joyce is best known for royally fucking Armando Galarraga's "perfect game" but now he’s done something to more than make up for that mistake.
When Joyce arrived at Chase Field to umpire a game between the Diamondbacks and Marlins he saw a stadium food service worker having an apparent heart attack. Joyce quickly jumped into action, performing CPR and trying to revive her with the defibrillator.
Paramedics arrived on the scene had to revive her again. But they did and the woman is going to be ok.
Joyce worked home plate that night because it was his turn, even though his fellow umpires wanted him to take it easy at third base. He said he'd rather stay busy behind home plate rather than move to third and think about the incident for the entire game. I suppose his blown call, which he handled with extreme grace, has been nagging at him for two years. Now he has something else to think about it.

Song of the Week

"Tonight (Best You Ever Had") - John Legend featuring Ludacris

The rare R&B song I played for Mrs. Poop that she actually liked.

Why I Believe What I Believe

Most of you know me as a pretty logical guy, too smart to believe in nonsensical things such as horrorscopes, ghosts, psychics and anything else people can conjure up.
But there are some things I do believe in.
First of all, I believe in me. I believe what happens to me is up to me, because of what I do.
I also believe in luck, but I also believe that luck favors the prepared.
And through a life spent marveling at things that happen for no explicable reason, I've developed a healthy admiration for the force that put Mark Feinsand on the same plane as Master Bates two days after I e-mailed MB to ask him to reach out to Feinsand. And then got him to stumble upon my blog, after MB challenged this mysterious force to prove its existence. I call that mystical force "The Universe."
I first started to believe in the Universe after the lowest moment in my life. I've written about most of this before but never in this way, so bear with me.
After Mrs. Poop had a miscarriage we weren't sure how long it would be before they let us try again. When we were given the go-ahead we were ecstatic that she got knocked up again so quickly. But then disaster struck. We went for what was supposed to be a routine ultrasound and just like the first time, there was no heartbeat and they couldn't find the baby.
After two of the hardest days ever, we had an appointment on a Friday morning for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. Then on Thursday, Mrs. Poop was scapegoated at work for a problem that had nothing to do with her. They threatened to reassign her to another area of the hospital (it never happened, so don't worry), and then a few hours later we were scheduled to get final confirmation of another miscarriage.
You probably can't even imagine how she felt, losing her second baby, and her job over the span of a couple of days.
But a funny thing happened on the way to rock bottom.
We heard a heartbeat. The baby we now know as Chase was there the whole time, just chilling in Mrs. Poop's uterus, his heart beating, a sound so wonderful, it brought tears to my eyes.
Later that day the universe sent Mrs. Poop an e-mail (using me as its conduit) which said "Sorry about your job. But you can have your baby back. Love, The Universe."
I know that we are all very lucky in the way things turned out because I wouldn't trade Chase for any child in the world. And I will gladly worship whatever mysterious force brought him to us.

I'm a Douche

Coach John Wooden always warned me, "be quick but don't hurry." When I rush I make mistakes. Eager to get on the road home from Toronto, I was loading the car, dropped the keys into the back and pressed the door close button. I really thought that once you pressed the remote to open a door, you also unlocked it, but that is true only for all the other doors, not the back. Thankfully, when I ran back into the hotel I saw my aunt who gave me her CAA (AAA only with a C) card. I called, the guy was there within 30 minutes. He put what looked like a blood pressure cuff into the door slot. He squeezed the pump, it inflated the cloth part, giving him enough room to insert a long stick with a hook on the end to push the lock open. It was that easy. So the locking of the car keys only cost us about an hour, and some headaches, but I'm still a douche.

What Do You Give Me For? John Goodman and Nadzeya Ostapchuk

Nadzeya Ostapchuk was stripped for her gold medal for failing a drug test. Maybe her striking resemblance to John Goodman should have been a tipoff.

Story suggested by JLeary

Song of the Week

"Forever and Ever Amen" - Randy Travis

I've had this song in my head ever since I saw Randy Travis's mugshot.

I Found the Hottest Olympian

After watching 17 days of coverage (including scouting for talent during the Opening Ceremonies) I believe I have found the hottest female Olympian. And I feel I kind of it to myself and the male Poopheads after yesterday's poll.

Her name is Jaqueline Carvalho but she goes by Jaque. She plays for the Brazilian women's volleyball team. And she is actually married to Murilo from the men's team. The announcers were gushing over what an attractive couple they make.

Man or Lady?

I am now about to introduce you to a game the Poop family has been playing for years. You pull up to Customs at the U.S./Canada border and before you can see you poll the car, "man or lady?" You have to guess which gender the agent will be. Let's do the same thing with the shot putter from Belarus. Nadzeya Ostapchuk stripped of the gold medal after failing a doping test.

The Post You've All Been Waiting For

Diesel in Maine in 2007:



Diesel in Maine in 2008:


Diesel in Maine in 2009:


Diesel in Maine in 2010:


Diesel in Maine in 2011:

Diesel in Maine in 2012

The Worst Thing to Happen in Badminton Since the Naming of the Shuttlecock

A major scandal erupting in badminton when several teams were disqualified for blatantly throwing matches.



Pretty funny to see it acted out this flagrantly. I can't say I blame the competitors. They were just trying to get what they felt was a better draw for themselves in the medal round. And the Chinese team was possibly trying to avoid the other Chinese team in hopes of setting up a gold medal match against them.

The pool play idea (round robin) has merit because it allows competitors to play more than once, eliminating the luck factor. It’s better than a single elimination, but it’s not perfect. I can understand why some teams would want to throw a match if it meant a more favorable matchup in the elimination rounds. And I’m not really sure how to arrange a system where that will never happen. So I guess this situation was handled correctly. Disqualify blatant match fixers and hope it serves as a threat to deter others who may want to try the same thing.

But in all the dramatic angst about this story I haven’t heard one beneficial suggestion on how to improve the system for the future.

Note: NBC took down the video and I can't find a suitable replacement.

Song of the Week

"Passionate Kisses" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
"Is it too much to demand
I want a full house and a rock and roll band
Pens that won't run out of ink
And cool quiet and time to think
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have all of this, and
Passionate kisses"

I hate it when my pen runs out of ink.

3000 Words

Cool picture I took while driving up the West Side Highway into a coming, and evidently a passing, storm.

A kayaker on Cape Cod paddles just feet in front of a shark.

Pretty impressive but I question the practicality of making a beer pong table out of sand.

I'm Gonna Get One for the Car and Two for the Bathrooms

Disney is now selling air fresheners that will remind you of its theme parks. There's the scent of Mickey's waffle, the candy apple, the Mickey Mouse premium ice cream bar, and even the turkey legs.

Song of the Week

"Head to Toe" - Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
Worked with a girl named Lisa a couple weeks ago and this song has been in my head ever since. A true 80s classic. It's a real shame that Paula Abdul has had a long and successful career and Lisa Lisa hasn't.

What Do You Give Me For? Graham Elliot & Chas Bono

What do you give me for Graham Elliot from MasterChef and Chas Bono?

She Can Handle a Flagpole

After Paul McCartney's mumbling and perhaps drunken rendition of "Hey Jude" the most talked about event at the Opening Ceremonies was the Norwegian team's entrance. Because they were led by flag bearer Mira Veras (Veraas) Larsen. She is a sprint canoeist, and she is married to one of Norway's other great canoeists. And they left their wedding in a canoe, instead of a car with beer cans tied to it.