Procreation Vacations

Hotels around the world are luring couples who are trying to have a baby. Resorts are offering on-site sex doctors, romantic advice and exotic food and drink calculated to put lovers in the mood and hasten the pitter-patter of little feet.
Even some obstetricians are promoting the trend. Dr. Jason James of Miami said he often encouraged couples trying to have a baby to sneak away for a few days, and he often sees it work.
"One of the most easy, therapeutic interventions is to recommend a vacation," James said. "I think the effect of stress on our physiology is underestimated."
At the Westin at Our Lucaya Grand Bahama Island, the three-night Procreation Vacation starts at $1,893. Couples lounge on the beach, swim in the pool, sip pumpkin soup and enjoy couple's massages.
Couples are also served an age-old Caribbean fertility concoction three times a day: sea moss, the Caribbean's version of Viagra, mixed with evaporated milk, sugar and spices. It tastes like an almond smoothie.
The Birds and the Bees package at the Five Gables Inn & Spa on Maryland's Chesapeake Bay includes a two-night stay with a couple's massage, oysters (a purported aphrodisiac) and wine, a pair of heart-print boxer shorts and a CD by love crooner Barry White for about $810 a couple.



There is a Procreation Ski Vacation in Jackson Hole, Wyo., where couples can snuggle by a toasty fire, enjoy a candlelight dinner in their room and take a dogsled trip to a hot springs site at the Teton Mountain Lodge.
At the Miraval resort in Tucson, sex experts Dr. Lana Holstein and her husband, Dr. David Taylor, help couples with ovulation schedules and achieving intimacy.
"The damage that working for conception does to the sexual relationship, it's really, really impactful. This business about being so tense about conceiving a child and feeling like the clock is ticking makes people much more scheduled," said Holstein, author of "Your Long, Erotic Weekend." "They lose sight of the sensual."

Britney Finally Dumps That Loser

Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline aka K.Fed today. Don't think this was a Reese-Ryan thing, where his success started to overshadow his career. I think she just realized that he is a dirty smelly (but virile loser). She'll now be a single mother with two young kids (one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James), but I think she'll get through it. I just hope she doesn't pull a Jessica Simpson and start sleeping with everyone she can.
According to reports, Britney will not request spousal/child support and she also has a strict prenup which should prevent K.Fed from profiting too much.

We hope this means Britney will return to her former hot self instead of the barefoot in the gas station bathroom trailer park slut she was with him. She recently lost most of her baby weight and showed off her new figure on Letterman, but her hair remains fucked up.

Last Year on the Poop

Jessica Alba enjoys a Knicks game with Turtle.



The famous Carolina Panthers cheerleader sex story broke. The story that launched the blog and gave it direction.

We were introduced to the puggle.

Delgado Wants to Stay

Carlos Delgado is so happy with the Mets that he doesn't want to leave New York.
Delgado decided against filing a trade demand.
When a veteran is traded during a multiyear contract he can elect to file a trade demand in the year after the trade. If they are not traded they become free agents and have their contracts ripped up, basically. Delgado is guaranteed $30 million over the next two years and is not about to give that up.
"Carlos has notified us today that he is very happy to be here," Mets general manager Omar Minaya said during a telephone conference call. "He enjoys being with the New York Mets and enjoys being in the city and enjoys everything about this organization."
"He wants to be a Met for the rest of his career," Minaya said. "I'm hopeful that at some point in time we will exercise that option. Right now we feel it's not the right time."

The Importance of Sign Police

Just saw Real Sports' piece on ESPN's College Gameday. For the unfamiliar Gameday is a traveling road show which sets up shop from a different campus each week, preferably when that school is hosting a big college football game. Students wake up really early, get drunk, hold signs and hope to get on TV. Gameday co-anchor Lee Corso says the show has sign police to prevent inappropriate signs from being shown on air. Like this one:



For those of you who don't know (and that includes me until a few days ago) a merkin is a "pubic wig for women." Wikipedia goes on to say that "a merkin is a pubic wig, worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis. There are many different ways of wearing a "Merkin" although most involve placing the merkin on the vulva or the scrotum."

Now you know.

This one also slipped past the sign police:

I Don't Even Know Jane Skinner

But evidently she was thinking about me during this report on the Fox News Channel.



Shep Smith is not one to talk, he's been down that hole before:

Give It a Rest Old Man

Doddering old fool Joe Paterno, who earlier this season ran off the field with a bad case of the drips, this time had to be carried off the field. He couldn't get out of the way of a player falling out of bounds. He broke his leg and tore two knee ligaments but he had surgery to repair the damage and hopes to coach the next game.

What Does Georgia Derek Look Like?

One of the best parts of doing this blog is meeting people I've never met before. Somehow a guy named Derek who lives in Georgia stumbled across this blog months ago and became an avid reader. I in turn began reading his blog and while I have seen a picture of his dog, I have never seen one of him. Until now. Some silly Youtube movie stars Georgia Derek as Liquid Courage. He makes his first appearance at about 1:50.



Pizza Parlor Derek wants to meet Tiffany Brennaman.

Last Year on The Poop

Last year on the Poop T.O. was still acting like a jerk. A week after getting criticized for wearing a Michael Irvin (not Irving) jersey to the Eagles-Cowboys game, he showed up for the Eagles' next game in a tuxedo.

Wedding Blog: Dana & Scott Tie the Knot

If you are lucky enough to have a large group of friends, inevitably some of them will be awkward, especially around girls during high school. But somehow, people grow up and eventually get married, even TallSkott.

I've known TallSkott for about half my life. At first he was a big doof who just wanted everyone to like him, so he gave them candy for a quarter and free movie rentals. I believe TON's Dad still has an outstanding $41 bill at West Coast video (or whatever it was called, neither jusTON nor I can remember).

But Scott always wanted to be your friend, which I think is why he never chose a sports team, he just wanted to run with the crowd. He and I were golfing buddies (until I got struck on the hip by an errant drive). We were a dominant 2 on 2 basketball team (until jusTON and Leary beat us). We were part of an unstoppable Jewish bowling team (until I grew too much to still be called "medium jew"). We were gambling buddies (until we got tired of those long drives back from AC after losing). Strike the last one, we're still gambling buddies and recently played online poker at his apartment.

Which brings me to Dana, you can definitely see Dana's touch in their apartment, it's a girl's apartment that a guy happily cohabitates. But that's the thing with Scott. He's just happy to be there. Especially after some failed past experiences with women (prank calling Jen Levanthal, "I so wanna touch your ass", the whole Queenie debacle).

So when Scott met Dana we were all happy for him. The first time I met Dana, I recall Scott grabbing her ass, and she lovingly slapped it away. She fit the requirements for Scott's girlfriend. She's short, that was a key. She's Jewish. She's outgoing. She's good natured enough to deal with Scott's weird habits. And she's demanding enough to break him of a lot of those weird habits.

Scott's dietary restrictions are now legendary. The turkey and muenster cheese, the refusal to pass the lobster bisque. But now Dana and Scott go out for sushi. And that's a good relationship, when the partners become greater than the some of the parts.

So the wedding day came. WARNING!!! The following will be told strictly from my perspective so if you have comments of other funny things that happened feel free to add them.

Scott was sooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous. At 4:25 (five minutes early) he sent a group text message to the groomsmen saying "where r u guys?" He must have eaten 40 altoids in the few hours leading up to the ceremony. During the ceremony he alternated giggling and coughing fits. But he made it through.

And Scott looked good. He had a sort of pinstriped tuxedo with a black bow tie. Scott loves a bow tie for some reason. And Dana. Good lawd. At most weddings the bride looks beautiful, but Dana looked damn hot. The difference is subtle, but there is a difference between beautiful and hot.



Scott gave a firm stomp to the glass. And the party began.

I made a beeline to the bar and started with a couple Heinekens. Then we got a couple shots from the Vodka infusion. One was berry and one was pineapple. Thankfully, I don't really care for fruit so I went back to beer. Otherwise the cocktail hour was good, but I spent most of it drinking.

Scott's favorite part of any wedding/bar mitzvah is the hora. We love being the chair lifters. Thankfully I had front right of the ladies' chair, smoothly lifting, Dana, her mom, Elaine and Scott's mom, Stefanie. I don't know how the other guys got Scott and Howie up in the air, but they did.



Right after the the hora the band (which was awesome by the way) got into a couple good songs to get the group dancing. Then for some reason they moved into "Sweet Home Alabama." Half the crowd was like "wtf?" but then Scott and Dana's friend Alex got up there and started jamming with the band. It was a really nice touch and Alex told me afterwards it felt so cool to be up there "shredding."





After that there was more dancing and partying, and of course, more drinking. We had to get the best man, Matt Fox ready for his toast. Matt was very apprehensive about giving the speech so the only thing to do was fill him full of some liquid courage. Matt had about 12 shots before the speech and that must have been the right number because the speech was awesome. On his way up we seranaded him with the Jose chant (Matt Fox, MattFoxMattFoxMattFox...Maaaat Fox, Matt Fox). He had everyone laughing including the bride and the groom.





The rest of the night kind of flew by for me. We kept dancing. We kept drinking and we had a great time. These pictures probably say it all.









To put the icing on the cake we drove (well, actually only Leslie was able to) Greenspan aka Juice aka Green-spiggity to the train station because he had to get up for the Jets game the next day. I feel badly for anyone who might have been on the train with him. Almost as bad as I feel for Mrs. Poop who had to sit in the back seat with me on one side of her, and Juice on the other as we sang "What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding...but haven't you people ever heard of closing the God damn door."

All in all it was a great night that those of you who can remember it won't soon forget. I'll leave you with some pictures of the bride and groom.

Weekly Picks

Another bad week for me. I started off losing 4 of 5 early games, then rebounded thanks to the Colts and Patriots. I still finished 3-4 dropping me to 11-11 for the season. Worse still, Adam and Harley gave back some ground and are now 5 points out of first. 7 more games offer a chance to turn it around in a big way.

ST. LOUIS RAMS -2.5 kansas city chiefs
Rams have lost two in a row. Chiefs won two in a row. Chiefs are 0-3 on the road, but the last time I paid attention to that I picked the Eagles over the Jaguars. However, I do believe that the bloom is coming off the rose with Damon Huard. El Jay should be able to run all over the Rams but I think Bulger and Jackson will get it done and the Rams will win by a field goal or more.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS +1.5 new orleans saints
I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out Tampa Bay. First I thought Bruce Gratkowski would suck, but instead he came out like a house of fire. Last week I finally bought in and expected him to keep it close against the Giants in a windy Paulsfriendlands but he sucked. I thought the Saints were good, but they got killed by Baltimore. I think New Orleans will rebound.

BUFFALO BILLS -3.5 green bay packers
Green Bay has been coming on like a house of fire and can actually even their record at 4-4 if they can win this game. I do think that Favre may be motivated to play his best ball now that the team is getting better. And even though this is in Buffalo I would have thought the spread would be smaller. But the Bills have lost 3 in a row so once again I will go against momentum and take the Bills.

DETROIT LIONS +5.5 atlanta falcons
I don’t know if Michael Vick has figured it all out yet. But I know Jon Kitna hasn’t. Take the Falcons.

BALTIMORE RAVENS -3.5 cincinnati bengals
I continue to put my blind faith in the Bengals even though they haven’t really rewarded it. I don’t believe that all of Baltimore’s offensive problems were solved last week so I am going with the Bengals.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers +5.5 minnesota Vikings
I always like to go against last week, especially for Monday Night games. The Vikings got creamed on Monday night and lowered their esteem in the eyes of the bettors and handicappers. I don’t think they are that bad. But I know the 49ers are, so I’ll pick the Vikings to bounce back.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -7.5 oakland raiders
No way the Raiders win three straight. It’s not going to happen. I swear. Will they lose by more than a touchdown to Seneca Wallace and Maurice Morris? I think so. Go with the Seahawks.

NPH Through the Years

Doogie Howser Theme:


NPH in Harold and Kumar:


How Barney became Barney:


NPH Visits the Big Brother House:


Best of Barney (very long):

Playing Against Type

Neil Patrick Harris has come out of the closet. There have been rumors about him for a long time, starting with his role in "Rent." But he may have been trying to quell those rumors when he appeared in "Harold and Kumar" with a bunch of naked strippers. Then of course is his role on "How I Met Your Mother" as the womanizing Barney. I'll still check out Barney's Blog which inaccurately named Darwin's as a Cougar hangout. And of course I will still call him NPH. Horstman recently proclaimed NPH to be his favorite actor. I hope he still feels that way.

More on his coming out, from People Magazine:
Neil Patrick Harris is gay – and wants to quell recent reports that he had denied it. The actor tells PEOPLE exclusively:

"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships.

"So, rather than ignore those who choose to publish their opinions without actually talking to me, I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love."

Happy Anniversary!

One year ago today, I decided it would be fun to write a blog. It started because I would send Mrs. Poop daily e-mails with funny stories, and I thought more people would like to read them. I had no idea how much it would grow and how much time it would take to do it the right way. I started it as News U Can't Use and my first real post was about objectionable t-shirts at Abercrombie & Fitch. Since then I've morphed the blog into the Poop you know and love with over 1700 more posts. I'll try to check the archives everyday to see what was important a year ago, and will start a new feature called "Last Year on the Poop" to showcase old, funny stories.

The NFL is Poop - Week 8

What is going on here?
Tennessee, Green Bay and Oakland are all on 2-game winning streaks. Prior to that the teams had started the season a combined 1-14. Tennessee beat Washington and Houston (allowing 22 points each time) but I hesitate to say Vince Young is coming around. They dominated Washington with the run and forced a lot of turnovers against the Texans.
Green Bay also beat two bad teams, Miami and Arizona (2 of the 3 1-win teams in the NFL), but with Brett Favre and easy games still on the schedule, they could be in the process of turning their season around.
The Raiders puzzle me more. Sure, they beat the Cardinals who were coming off that devastating loss to the Bears. But they also rebounded to beat the defending champion Steelers.

Did Michael Vick Figure It Out?
It's possible, but still to early to say. He's only played two good games in a row, in order to be a good passer he needs to consistently play at that level. But it seems as if he is finding his receivers at the precise point they need to catch the ball, which was his real problem all along, not tucking and running too quickly. If it turns out that he has learned to become a great passer while continuing to use his legs as a weapon, look out world.

Romocop
Parcells finally figured out that you cannot win when your QB turns the ball over all the time and makes horrible decisions like Drew Bledsoe. Had he gone to Romo earlier the Cowboys might be in better shape.

Game of The Week
Colts 34 Broncos 31
Another example of why in the NFL defense wins, but offense makes for the best games. Despite the great D the Broncos had all season, they could not stop Peyton Manning and the Colts. There were only 3 punts total in the game. The last 8 possessions of the game all ended in points. For 29 minutes in the second half teams were on scoring drives. The score might not have been so close had the Broncos not been able to rush for 227 yards, most of that in the second half. But there may be a rematch of this game later down the road, and thanks to this result, it will probably happen in Indianapolis.

Game to Watch
Colts vs. Patriots
This game is always the premiere matchup each year. And it happens each year because both teams keep winning their divisions. The Patriots should be decided underdogs but they are actually favored by 3 points because of what they did Monday night against Minnesota. They've shown time and time again that they know how to gameplan and throw off their opposition. That Tom Brady quick hit 6-for-6 drive to start the game was a thing of beauty.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Bye week, nothing to get too excited about. But the Cowboys are coming up and it would suck to fall to 2-6 at the hands of those bastards. If Romo plays the way he did Sunday night the Redskins defense has no chance.

Cheerleader of the Week
Tandra from the Tennessee Titans Cheerleaders.
Tandra as you can plainly tell has enormous boobies, but somehow she's still single. She lives with her 3 German Shepherds and 1 chihuahua. Two things that will endear her to Mrs. Poop: her favorite movie is "Wedding Crashers" and her biggest personal goal is to earn a degree in nursing. Tandra likes fishing, baseball, mingling, dancing and tantra. Well, I'm not positive about that last one but we assume someone named Tandra likes tantra.



If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Once again I'd have to say the Bears would beat the Colts by the score of 28-20. The Colts are starting to look a little better (even though they barely eked out a victory their offense is finally clicking) but the Bears absolutely murdered the 49ers. The Patriots are one team that can ruin this equation, either by beating the Colts this week or the Bears at the end of the month.

Gotta Love the Waffle House

Employees at a Waffle House restaurant on Charlotte Pike called police early Friday morning, reporting that a naked woman entered the eatery.

The woman was accompanied by a naked man who was driving out of the parking lot behind the restaurant when police arrived.

An officer tried to stop the suspect but the man drove away, leading police on a chase through west Nashville and downtown. Speeds reached more than 100 miles per hour.

Police laid spike strips to slow the suspect, who eventually crashed at the corner of Eighth Avenue North and James Robertson Parkway.

Metro police were unsure why the man was naked.

"We don't even know where his clothes are," said one officer.

No word on what charges the couple faced.

My Alma Mater

NEW YORK (AP) City and state education officials are investigating claims that a high school tampered with students' scores on key state tests.

Teachers at Susan E. Wagner High School in Staten Island say administrators pushed to raise some students' scores on Regents science, English and history exams last June, teachers' union spokesman Stuart Marques said Thursday.

A group of 17 science teachers reported the allegations to United Federation of Teachers representatives last month, and the union quickly alerted city Department of Education officials, Marques said.

City schools Chancellor Joel Klein called the matter "serious."

"It's a serious allegation," he said, "and we'll do a serious investigation on it."

State Department of Education spokesman Tom Dunn said the state also was looking into the claims.

Wagner Principal Gary M. Giordano did not promptly return a telephone call to his office Thursday. But his lawyer, Mark Fonte, called the charges "ridiculous" and "truly unfair."

Public high school students must pass at least five Regents exams to graduate, and the tests are used as measures of schools' performance. Schools score their own students' tests, using state guidelines.

Wagner has about 3,000 students.

He's Right, That Was Pretty Gay

Former NFL receiver Brian Kinchen will not work as an ESPNU commentator this week because of a comment he made during Saturday's broadcast of the Northern Illinois-Iowa game.




Kinchen was explaining the need for receivers to make catches with their hands because they are "tender" and can "caress" the ball. He then paused and said, "that's kind of gay, but hey . . . "

"The comments were inappropriate, and we apologize for them," ESPN's Vice President of Public Relations Josh Krulewitz said yesterday.

Kinchen's future with ESPNU is under review, Krulewitz said.

Kinchen, a former tight end who played at LSU and in the NFL from 1988-2000 with Miami, Cleveland and Baltimore, also apologized for his remarks.

It's A Start

Throw out these three things: they blew a 19 point 4th quarter lead, they kept going to Jamal Crawford even though he shot 4-22 and there are still 81 games left.
If you can forget those three things then you can be a pretty happy Knicks fan this morning.
They won. In triple overtime. They played pretty good defense especially in the first three quarters and they showed signs of being a decent team.
Quentin Richardson who gave them nothing last year scored 31 points including the game winners.



Eddy Curry had a double-double and played tough.
Most importantly they hung tough and won in spite of Isiah's coaching.

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