Fuck Football, He Should Have Been on the Swim Team

Former Syracuse running back Rob Konrad survived a boating accident by swimming 9 miles to shore. Somehow he fell out of the boat (he was fishing alone) and couldn't get back to it (it was on autopilot). He left at 10am and his friends noticed he was missing when he didn't show up for dinner so they contacted the Coast Guard which sent a helicopter to look for him. Police found him on the beach at 4:40am when he somehow contacted them. He was treated for hypothermia (he was in the water for 10-12 hours) and was released.

Now We Can Call Her Ma'am Again

Sen. Barbara Boxer will not seek a new term when hers expires in 2016.
This seems like a good time to bring up this famous clip:



This has to be one of the pettiest, nastiest things any human being has ever done in such a public forum.
"I worked so hard to get that title."
Oh yeah bitch, he's a fuckin general in the Army. I'm pretty sure that was a harder title to attain.
And by the way, in the military, ma'am is how you show respect for a female superior.

Mrs. Poop is So Immature

Mrs. Poop asked me to take this picture of her in front of Animal Kingdom at Disney World.

Song of the Week

"Coco" - OT Genasis
It shows you how bad hip-hop music has become that this is the best thing out there right now.

The Universe Thinks My Art Sucks

As most of you know, The Poops moved into a new house this summer, we actually bought it just a couple days after Mrs. Poop's birthday.
Because we don't normally exchange big gifts, and we were spending a lot of money on the house, repairs, additional furnishings etc, I decided a gift heavy on sentiment, light on cost would be ideal.

So I drew Mrs. Poop a picture of our new abode.

Looks pretty good compared to the original though right?

But evidently the Universe didn't think my artwork is good enough because the gift from our realtor, sitting on the shelf the day we closed, was this picture of the house, drawn by a professional.

Ok, I readily admit it is better, but mine was drawn with love and colored with crayons.

And since then we've had the house re-sided, and it looks completely different.

Booyah!

I did not like Stuart Scott. I met him once, he seemed like a nice guy but I didn't really know him. All I knew of him was his on-air persona, which I hated.
I hated his ridiculous catchphrases and his jock-sniffing. And I almost never watched him.
I didn't watch the ESPYs and although I knew he had cancer, I didn't realize how close to death he was.
I was genuinely shocked and saddened by the news when I heard it.
The more I read and saw about it, I do admire the way he handled his battle and I respect him as a man.
And he was very nice and cool and funny when I met him during my Stump the Schwab appearance.
But as a SportsCenter anchor he sucked.

Weekly Picks

Now is the time to make up for a mediocre (maybe bad) regular season. 11 in a row here we come.

arizona +6 1/2 CAROLINA
I was waiting for this for months when it became evident that a bad team would be hosting a playoff game and everyone would say "remember the Seahawks!" when they were 7-9 and beat a much better Saints team in the first round. But then every Cardinals QB got hurt and the Panthers defense came to life. But maybe the Cardinals can pull this off or at least keep it close.

baltimore +3 PITTSBURGH
These games never go how you think they should. Plus, I'm pretty sure the Steelers will win by 3 and everyone loses.

DALLAS -6 1/2 detroit
Hard to believe in either of these teams based on past performance. This is a lot of points but the Lions just don't seem like a team that has figured out how to win big games.

BEST BET
INDIANAPOLIS -3 1/2 cincinnati
I gave the Bengals the benefit of the doubt here on the spread because I don't want two pushes marring the weekend. Eventually someday Andy Dalton may play a good playoff game. But I don't think that's going to be today. Andrew Luck should be able to will his team to victory.

Last week: 2-3 (4 points)
Season: 41-44 (38 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (7-10)
Home Favorites: 1-2 (14-18)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-1)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (12-12)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (13-13)

Song of the Week

"Call My Name" - Avery Sunshine
The quintessential neo-soul jam. Smooth, well-sung, with feeling and emotion.
I wish Mrs. Poop and I had more problems in our marriage so I could dedicate songs like this to her.
A great way to end 2014.

What Do You Give Me For?

What do you give me for the extruder tool in the Play-Doh Cake Mountain play set and...oh never mind.

Why Does Jim Boeheim Have To Be Such An Asshole?

Last year I actually defended Jim Boeheim when the rest of the world was calling him an asshole for his unvarnished assessment of Tyler Ennis's pro potential.
But I can no longer defend him for making nasty comments about his own players.
About freshman point guard Kaleb Joseph, Boeheim said "He's just not really a point guard yet. He's trying to learn how to play point. It's going to take a long time, too."
If you evaluate this statement based on how true it is, it could be fair and accurate for an outsider to say, but it's totally rude, insulting and counterproductive for a coach to say this about his own player.
And even worse is what he said about Chris McCullough who was projected by some (though not Boeheim) as a potential lottery pick in the upcoming NBA Draft: "He's a lottery pick, I don't know how he could possibly struggle against Colgate. It just doesn't make sense to me. I've got a better chance of winning the lottery and I don't buy tickets."
There is absolutely no reason for him to be so rude, condescending and downright insulting about someone for whom Boeheim plays a large role in his success. Why is he constantly tearing down his own players in the media? Does he think they're arrogant and need to be taken down a few pegs so he can build them back up? He's not a drill sergeant so more likely he's just an asshole who doesn't care about the players.

NFL Playoff Predictions

AFC:
Ravens over Steelers
Colts over Bengals

Patriots over Ravens
Colts over Broncos

Patriots over Colts

NFC:
Panthers over Cardinals
Cowboys over Lions

Packers over Cowboys
Seahawks over Panthers

Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl XLIX
Green Bay Packers 27 New England Patriots 21

Weekly Picks

Final week before the playoffs and it's always hard to tell which teams are going to come to play, because you'd just expect the out of it teams to lie down like dogs for the teams that still have something to play for, but it doesn't always work that way.

MIAMI -6 1/2 new york jets
Last week was the final valiant effort under Rex Ryan. Seems only fitting for his era to end with an embarrassing loss.

MINNESOTA -6 1/2 chicago
I actually like the way the Vikings have been playing and the Bears are in complete chaos. Cutler got benched, Clausen got cheap-shotted and concussed and now Cutler is back. Not expecting his best game.

new orleans -4 TAMPA BAY
Even thought the Saints never showed up when it mattered, I don't think they will lie down in this game and they have plenty of talent to beat the ExpensiveCornPrices by 5 points or more.

arizona +6 1/2 SAN FRANCISCO
The QB injuries make the Cardinals one of the weirdest teams in NFL history. They're nearly touchdown underdogs against a bad team in game in which they could possibly clinch homefield advantage throughout the playoffs.

BEST BET
GREEN BAY -7 DETROIT
I just don't see any way in hell the Packers don't dominate this game considering how much their Super Bowl chances will decrease should they lose.

Last week: 3-2 (4 points)
Season: 39-41 (35 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (6-10)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (13-16)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-1)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (12-11)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (12-13)

Song of the Week

"December" - Earth Wind & Fire
They literally changed two words from "September."

Digital Good Samaritan

Trusted friend, caring sister, beloved Aunt and former shaving products magnate Razor is adding a new title to her long list of superlatives, she is now a digital good Samaritan. Over the weekend she found instagram posts threatening the police like one from "Woodgramflexinn" which said he was on his way to New York to kill two more cops. She forwarded it to a tipline for the NYPD, which then alerted authorities in his area (Tennessee) which went to the guy's house and determined the threat was not serious. The Fox affiliate in Memphis contacted Razor and eventually wrote this article about the incident.

Weekly Picks

I'm really disappointed because I was going to pick the Bengals as my best bet last week because I really don't believe in Johnny Football as an NFL QB. I feel the same way I did about Tebow, great college player who won't translate. He can throw better than Tebow but has less size and almost none of the intangibles, not that I really care too much about intangibles.

CAROLINA -4 cleveland
I'm actually a little concerned here because I think everyone is going to pick against Cleveland and I really think Manziel is going to be better, because he can't be worse. But Carolina actually has something to play for and the spread is not that big.

atlanta +6 NEW ORLEANS
I don't trust the Saints to do what they're supposed to do. Especially at home this year, which seems weird.

SEATTLE -8 1/2 arizona
I find that whenever a spread seems too big because of an injury or something, the favorite usually covers anyway. My only concern about this pick is agreeing with Mike Francesa. Of Ryan Lindley he said, "I don't want to pick on the kid but -- he stinks! He's terrible."

new england -10 NEW YORK JETS
You don't think Bill Belichick wants to shove it up Rex's ass in their last-ever meeting as head coaches?

BEST BET
green bay -11 tampa bay
Another huge spread, especially for a road team, but I like to ride with the teams that disappointed the previous week. And I really do believe the Packers are the best team in the NFL.

Last week: 3-2 (2 points)
Season: 36-39 (31 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (5-10)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (12-15)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-1)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (11-10)
Road Underdogs: 2-1 (11-13)

Funny or Douchey?

This has the potential to be the most controversial Funny or Douchey ever. I know many of you will vote douchey without giving it a second thought. But I know at least a couple of you will find this to be quite clever and humorous.

Song of the Week

"Baby It's Cold Outside" - Cee-Lo Green featuring Christina Aguilera
This song about date rape is a perfect fit for accused sexual predator Cee-Lo.

Funny or Douchey?

An Australian colleague had a birthday and on the card I wrote "Happy Birthday! I hope you have a G'day."

Weekly Picks

The secret to my success: pick against the Jets. They stink. Though I will deviate from that strategy this week and leave them alone for a week.

KANSAS CITY -10 1/2 oakland
I actually wanted to make this game my best bet but this is just too many points for a team like the Chiefs.

jacksonville +13 1/2 BALTIMORE
I just don't like the Ravens. They surprised me last week by beating the Dolphins but I expect them to have a stinker against a weaker team.

san francisco +9 1/2 SEATTLE
I know this pick doesn't look too good but I just have a feeling there won't be too many points scored at all.

cincinnati +2 CLEVELAND
Brian Hoyer didn't lose all those games by himself. And I just have no confidence that Johnny Football is actually an NFL quarterback at this point.

BEST BET
green bay -4 1/2 BUFFALO
I just love the Packers and think they're awesome. They played a close game last week and allowed a lot of points. Their defense should do better against the Bills.

Last week: 4-1 (5 points)
Season: 33-37 (29 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (5-9)
Home Favorites: 1-1 (11-15)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-1)
Road Favorites: 2-0 (11-9)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (9-12)

Song of the Week

"Open Your Eyes" - Bobby Caldwell
When Bobby Caldwell was new to the music industry in the 1970s, there was no internet, so if you heard a song you liked on the radio it was very hard to find out what the person who sang it looked like.
Caldwell sounded "black" but he is white and according to his Wikipedia page "Caldwell's management took certain steps — such as portraying the artist only in silhouette on the cover and in advertisements — to hide the fact that he was white."

Still this is a cool jam, sampled expertly by Common on "The Light.".