Love Is Blind

Pete Rose and Kiana Kim
I know what they see in each other, Rose is 69 and thanks to Viagra he can still fuck this gorgeous Asian girl with huge tits.
And Kiana is 40 years younger and can hope the old man croaks every time she gets on top of him.
If not, at least she gets some fame to launch a modeling career.

Is Nothing Sacred Anymore?

We all know that Hollywood has run out of good ideas and have resorted to remaking old movies that never quite did all that well. Usually these are 1960s movies that nobody nowadays remembers. Movies like Pelham 123 that could also benefit from the advances in modern movie-making.
But now comes word they are redoing "Overboard" the 1980s classic starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
Two major problems with this:
1) Not enough time has passed, likely ticket buyers have seen the original, they remember it (it's on cable all the time) and they like it
2) there's nothing you can do to make this better that they didn't have at their disposal in 1988

But there is one giant, and I mean giant thing in favor of this remake: the prospects of J.lo in this scene:

Note: please ignore the Russian dubbing, you can't always get what you want on youtube, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need

Who Should be the National League Pitcher of the Month for April?

I can never remember a season in which so many pitchers have started off the season so well and that will mean a hotly contested NL Pitcher of the Month Award for April. The candidates:

Roy Halladay: 4-1, 1.80 ERA, 40 innings, 36 hits, 3 BB, 33 Ks, 1.6 WAR
Special Consideration Stat: 2 CG and 1 SHO

Mike Pelfrey: 4-0, 0.69 ERA, 25 innings, 18 hits, 13 BB, 19 Ks, 0.7 WAR
Special Consideration Stat: 1 Save

Ubaldo Jimenez: 5-0, 0.79 ERA, 34 1/3 innings, 22 hits, 14 BB, 31 Ks, 1.3 WAR
Special Consideration Stat: No-hitter

Tim Lincecum: 4-0, 1.27 ERA, 35 1/3 innings, 22 hits, 7 BB, 43 Ks, 1.5 WAR
Special Consideration Stat: 2.01 Fielding-Independent Pitching, lower than the other three guys




I'm voting for You-Baldo because he's giving up fewer runs and a no-hitter is pretty special. But Lincecum should probably be the choice of the sabremetricians considering he'd be 5-0, with a lower ERA if his bullpen hadn't blown it.

The Anti-Rudy Gay

Memphis Grizzlies guard Rudy Gay (the Knicks possible consolation prize in the summer free agent sweepstakes) likely has the worst-selling jersey in the NBA.



I just imagine anyone wanting a jersey that says "Gay" on the back.

On the other hand, the Mets have a prospect who could revolutionize Major League Baseball jersey sales. That's right, Tobi Stoner. If the guy could just put together any kind of big leaguee success at all there's no doubt people would flock to the stores to buy "Stoner" jerseys.

Even Lawyers are Starting to Poke Fun at Our Overly Litigious Society

The law firm of Trolman, Glaser and Lichtman offering a insightful take on their own profession, specifically lawyers who advertise on TV.



Machete!

A few days after I wrote this and set it to post today I got a paper cut and it really hurt.

Machete!

Song of the Week

"Lady" - D'Angelo

"maybe at the liquor store
maybe at the health food stand"

Important SEC Porn Update

In February the Poop reported that SEC staff were often using their government computers, at their government jobs, to search for porn, often excessively.

A recent investigation found 31 serious offenders over the past two and a half years. Seventeen of the offenders were senior SEC officers with salaries ranging from $100,000 to $222,000 per year.

One senior attorney at SEC headquarters in Washington spent up to eight hours a day accessing Internet porn. When he filled all the space on his government computer with pornographic images, he downloaded more to CDs and DVDs that accumulated in boxes in his offices.

An SEC accountant attempted to access porn websites 1,800 times in a two-week period and had 600 pornographic images on her computer hard drive. Yes, that said "her," even a female was involved in this.

Note: that might seem hard to believe but Master Bates reports (though doesn't remember) a secretary at his office was once caught visiting the website bigblackroosters.com (that might not have been the exact URL

Another SEC accountant attempted to access porn sites 16,000 times in a single month.

In one case, the report said, an employee tried hundreds of times to access pornographic sites and was denied access. When he used a flash drive, he successfully bypassed the filter to visit a "significant number" of porn sites.

The employee also said he deliberately disabled a filter in Google to access inappropriate sites. After management informed him that he would lose his job, the employee resigned.

Ironically, the report says most of these cases began in 2008, just as the financial system began to collapse. The same SEC officers who should have been safeguarding the economy were instead spending their working hours surfing the Internet for pornography, and the problem hasn't stopped.

The most recent case cited in the report is from just four weeks ago.

Rob Neyer on Ike Davis

ESPN's resident baseball genius Rob Neyer offer his somewhat disjointed take on Ike Davis. I don't get the comparison to Reese Havens but his overall opinion of Davis ranks pretty close to mine:

As you've no doubt heard by now, the Mets have a new first baseman, a kid named Ike Davis. This spring, Ephraim Fischbein asked Davis (among other things) to name his "most embarrassing professional moment."

Davis replied, "Not hitting one home run in my first professional season."

It's probably that power outage that caused Davis' status to drop quite a bit between getting drafted with the 18th overall pick in the 2008 draft and the beginning of his second professional season.

There were explanations, though. Baseball America:

It's funny, this business ... Davis, a future power hitter? Yep. Last season, split between High-A and Double-A, Davis hit 20 home runs in just 114 games. [Reese] Havens, quicker to the big leagues? Nope. Havens opened last season on the same team as Davis, but wasn't promoted to Double-A like Davis, missed seven weeks with injuries, and finished the season with a .247/.361/.422 line, which is fine for a young shortstop except this shortstop's going to play second base this season and might wind up somewhere even less demanding.

Havens remains a pretty good prospect, but he's obviously been lapped by Davis.

Perhaps I'm too conservative about these things, but I have to counsel against thinking Davis is going to set the National League ablaze from the get-go. At this point, his resume consists of an excellent college career, two outstanding months in the Double-A Eastern League, and 42 plate appearances in Triple-A. I think he's going to be a pretty good player. But I'm not sure he's ready to help the Mets win this year. Which might not be a realistic goal anyway.

After flashing power in college, Davis was slow to recover from a strained oblique muscle and failed to homer in 215 at-bats at Brooklyn after signing for $1.575 million. Still, the Mets regard Davis as a future power hitter. Davis needs to mature physically -- unlike Reese Havens, their other 2008 first-rounder, whom they feel will have a quicker route to the big leagues. He carried the pressure of being the Mets' top pick and pressed.

Did The Commissioner Really Call Our Pick a Gorilla?

With the fourth pick in the 2010 NFL the Washington Redskins select Trent Williams, offensive tackle, Oklahoma.

That's what I expected Roger Goodell to say, but what he actually said was slightly different.

He called him "Silverback." Apparently that is Williams's nickname and at a meeting the day before he joked with the commish to call him that. It's actually kind of funny for Goodell to do that I just hope it doesn't lead to every player asking for his nickname to be mentioned.

And I also hope it doesn't lead to people getting furious that Williams was essentially called a gorilla on national TV.

I hope it does lead to a long and successful career protecting the blindside of Donovan McNabb and whomever else the Redskins get down the line.

What Are Tim Tebow's Career Prospects?

The most interesting and divisive pick in this year's NFL Draft (maybe ever) was the selection of Tim Tebow with the 25th pick. Tebow was one of the greatest college football players ever but there are some questions about how he might do in the NFL.

There is little doubt that Tebow has almost everything you would want in an NFL quarterback, he's big, he's strong, he's fast (for a QB), he's smart, he's experienced (in crucial situations) and his leadership skills are off the charts. And as far as putting in the necessary work, effort and film study, there's no doubt Tebow puts his heart and soul into everything he does. And his off-the-field intangibles are great too. He's very religious and at least as far as we know it's not just empty talk, he really lives his life in an ideal way and is not likely to ever embarrass his organization by raping a girl in a bar bathroom while his bodyguard stands lookout at the door.

There's only one problem with Tim Tebow. He can't throw. Well, actually he can throw, but there are some major questions about his throwing motion and whether he'd be able to get the ball out in time to avoid NFL pass rushers and to beat NFL cornerbacks. He's supposedly reworked his motion to make it NFL-ready, but many are not convinced, including me.

I love Tebow but sometimes hard work is not enough. You have to have all the skills to do the job because at this level a minor weakness will be exploited. I think Tebow will not be a successful NFL quarterback, he may not even get the chance if he doesn't show development in practice early in his career. If Tebow is willing to give up his QB dream I think he could have a successful career as a tight end or a fullback.

Freedo and other Broncos fans are all going nuts over this, they think he is going to be great.

What do you think? Vote below and back up your opinion in the comments section.

Baseball is Poop

You're Out of Uniform
For years people have laughed about the charade of managers and coaches (especially the fat, old ones) being forced to wear uniforms like the players, when in every other sport the staff dresses in suits or casual attire.
Major League Baseball is enforcing that rule by banning Joe Maddon's hoodie. The Tampa Bay manager likes to wear a hooded sweatshirt over his uniform on cold days. The league issued a reminder that team uniforms and approved outerwear are the only permissable garments to be worn during games, effectively banning Maddon's rogue hoodie.



I wish the fashion police would have banned former Mets pitching coach Rick Peterson from wearing a jacket on 90 degree days.



Elvis Lives
For some reason the Washington Nationals have chosen a plastic silver Elvis hat/wig as their team mascot this year. After every victory the player of the game does postgame interviews donning the ridiculous headdress.




Should Make For an Interesting Father-Son Softball Game on Father's Day
Four Padres outfielders have fathers who played in the majors. Tony Gwynn (son of Tony), Scott and Jerry Hairston Jr. (sons of Jerry) and Will Venable (son of Max).

Stay Off my Mound
For the second time in his illustrious career Alex Rodriguez is accused of violating an unwritten rule of baseball etiquette. You likely remember a few years ago when A-Rod shouted something (he says it was "ha," Howie Clark says it was "I got it") causing a popup to drop.
This time Oakland A's pitcher Dallas Braden says A-Rod crossed his mound and stepped on his rubber during an inning. A-Rod was on first and running when Robinson Cano hit a foul ball. Instead of going back to the first the way he came, around second, A-Rod walked over the mound. Braden shouted something at A-Rod but evidently he didn't hear it. Because when the inning ended A-Rod asked him to repeat it and Braden said "stay off my mound."
After the game they exchanged the typical barbs with A-Rod saying who the hell is Braden and Braden saying A-Rod is an asshole.
But who's right? Unlike the popup incident it is quite possible A-Rod never heard of this rule of etiquette, several TV analysts with major league experience said they hadn't. But even so it seems like A-Rod was doing it to be a dick, even if he wanted to take the shortcut he didn't have to go right across the mound.

Picture of the Week
The Kirby Puckett Statue outside the Twins new stadium, Target Field. The pose is modeled after the fist pump Puckett made as he rounded the bases on his game-winning home run in Game 6 of the 1991 World Series.

I'm Pretty Sure He Had the Hottest Date at the Prom

Arianny Celeste is TON's dreamgirl and pretty much the hottest thing to ever hold a ring card. Thanks to her millions of UFC fans always know what round it is.
And no one could blame young Connor Cordova when he took to youtube to ask Arianny to be his prom date (through a series of goofy videos).

The whole thing is actually summed up pretty well in this clip from Lopez Tonight.



The strange thing about this is that Cordova, even though he's only a high school student, writes for an MMA website, and actually had access to some top UFC fighters, which allowed him to get this interview with Wanderlei Silva.

Eventually he did get the date with Arianny, and even got a kiss. But I don't think he got lucky like his friends who went with high school skanks.

A Miscarriage of Justice

In 2006 members of the Westboro Baptist Church picketed the funeral of Marine Lance Corporal Matthew A. Snyder.



Armed with signs saying things like "God Hates Fags" they rubbed salt in the wounds of Snyder's grieving loved ones. The WBC says America is being punished for accepting gay people in the military and society at large.

Snyder's father sued and won an $11 million verdict when a jury ruled the WBC's speech was unworthy of protection under the First Amendment because it was so offensive and personal it was likely to incite violence.

Unfortunately for Snyder, it didn't end there. The WBC appealled and won. And to make matters worse, the appeals court ruled Snyder has to pay those hateful bastards who tarnished his son's funeral, $16,000 in legal fees.

Generous talk show host Bill O'Reilly has said he would foot the bill if Snyder loses again (he is planning to appeal to the Supreme Court).

But even worse, I think I may have to side with the WBC here. They did everything right procedurally (ie, they got the right permits, were positioned far enough away so as not to disrupt the funeral) and I don't want to censor distasteful speech, because the line is so blurry. And if you lose the case, it's standard procedure to be forced to pay the other party's legal fees.

But this one just doesn't feel right, even if it is right.

Erin Andrews Bites Julianne Hough's Style

As Erin Andrews continues to parlay the "horrible invasion of her privacy" into mainstream fame and success she continues dancing.
This week on "Dancing with the Stars," her and her partner Maks (whom she is banging, they admitted as much on the show) performed to Chuck Berry's "C'est La Vie (You Never Can Tell)" while dressed as Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega from "Pulp Fiction."





I understand they are limited in things they can choose when the theme is movie songs, but did they have to do the exact same thing as Julianne Hough (aka Jew-Ho) and Apollo Anton Ohno (aka Apollo Anton Plano) did a few seasons ago. At least Andrews got a little adventerous with it and showed off some boobies.





I don't understand why neither EA nor Jew-Ho was adventurous enough to wear a black wig like Uma Thurman. I mean if you are going to go with a wig you might as well do something transformative to give us the fantasy of a completely different hot chick.

What's She Complaining About, Her Team Won

It's almost trite at this point to make a joke about Philadelphia fans being the worst, the most disgusting, uncouth, unwashed masses on the face of the earth. But I still think it's funny. Funny because it's true.

An Easton, Pennsylvania cop, Michael Vangelo brings his two young daughters, 11 and 7, to a Phillies game for some wholesome fun.
Unfortunately seated right behind them were two loud, disgusting fat drunks. Which is not unusual at a Phillies game.

The pair were rowdy - cursing, spitting and spilling beer. When Vangelo complained to an usher, one of the drunks was escorted out the stadium.

That pissed off the other drunk slob, Matthew Clemmens who announced he was going to throw up.

Vangelo told police Clemmens put his fingers down his throat and intentionally vomited on the 11-year-old.

Clemmens then punched Vangelo in the side of the head, prompting two witnesses, to jump in. One of the witnesses punched Clemmens in the face before he gave up the struggle.



Fat Clemmens was charged with simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment, disorderly conduct and 11 other offenses. But really can you blame the guy. He's a Philadelphia fan, he probably does the same thing at Eagles games and nobody notices.

But seriously, you have to go pretty far to give Philadelphia fans a bad name. Congrats Fat Matt Clemmens, you're digusting, vile and obnoxious, even for a Phillies fan.

And I think there's a lot of Mets fans who would be willing to get puked on if it meant the Mets would win a game.

Chan-Ho Park Explains a Bad Outing

"I had a lot of diarrhea."

I love Mariano Rivera chuckling in the background.

Cruel Things to Do to Rookies

When I posted the picture of Jason Heyward after his shaving cream pie in the face Mrs. Poop remarked she had never seen that done before.
Then I suggested maybe Mets rookie first baseman Ike Davis would earn the same treatment. After going 2 for 4 in his major league debut that's exactly what happened to Ike Davis though Mrs. Poop insists his shaving cream was delivered in a shirt, not a pie tin.



Another form of rookie hazing occurs with the ball which the rookie wants to give to his mom as a keepsake. What invariably happens is the ball is thrown to the first base coach, who hands it to the excited rookie who inspects it and hands it back. The ball is then tossed into the dugout. Then a wily veteran who appears to be unaware of what's going on picks up the ball, then adroitly switches it with a decoy ball which he tosses into the stands in an effort to scare the unsuspecting rookie who in his excitement may have been unaware of the veteran's cruel legerdemain.

The Mets chose not to play this particular trick on Ike Davis. Instead the Mets equipment man affixed a sticker to the ball and marked it as Davis's first hit.

Other ways veterans bust a rookie's balls (so to speak) include after the game giving the rookie an old beat-up ball, or writing on a ball "Dear Mom, this the ball I used to get my first fucking major league win/hit."



Razor Shines takes it easy on the kid, giving him a congratulatory first bump.



Mrs. Poop's favorite form of rookie hazing comes later in the season, usually September when more rookies are called up, when Davis and other rookies will be forced to don ridiculous costumes for a road trip like when the Yankees make Joba Chamberlain and others perform a traveling version of Wizard of Oz.

The Strange Circumstances Surrounding the Death of Guru

Legendary rapper Guru, the emcee half of the duo Gang Starr died at the age of 43 after a battle with cancer.

For most of the 1990s Gang Starr used DJ Premier's dope beats and Guru's socially conscious lyrics to stand in stark contrast to other rappers of the day who rapped about money and hoes over samples from 80s pop songs.

In 2003 they split up suddenly and acrimoniously leading to Guru finding a new producer to work with, Solar.

And this is where things get strange. Upon his death a letter was released reportedly written by Guru saying all projects and tributes after his passing should be done with Solar. All money should be managed by Solar in a trust fund for Guru's son. The letter also throws in a final shot at Primo, not even referring to him by name, calling him "my ex-DJ." It also hints at a possible book that could reveal the true reason behind the break-up of Gang Starr, and suggests all proceeds from that book should go to Solar.

This is leading some to speculate the letter was written by Solar not Guru. Although Guru was in and out of a coma for the final two months of his life its possible he wrote the letter before that, knowing his death was inevitable. But whenever someone dies it seems money motivates the people close to him line up to fight over his money. I can't imagine any tribute album or anything of value could be done without the consent of Primo, whether the letter is authentic or not.



But forgetting all that nonsense and difficulty let's enjoy the man's music:

"You Know My Steez" - Juice's pick



"Betrayal" featuring Scarface - My pick



"DWYCK" featuring Nice & Smooth - Bill's pick



"Royalty" featuring K-Ci & JoJo



"Mass Appeal"



And one from Guru's post-Gang Starr Jazzmatazz work
"Plenty" featuring Erykah Badu

Song of the Week

"They Don't Know" - Jon B.
This is my go-to song on youtube when I can't think of anything else to listen to. The only thing is, it kind of makes me feel old.
Unlike songs that mention specifc years like 1995 in Grand Puba's "I Like It" and 1999 (95 plus fo' pennies add that shit up) in Dr. Dre's "Still D.R.E." this one makes me feel old because Jon B. is using a huge brick cell phone to talk to his girl, and she is on a pay phone. Remember pay phones?

If I Never See Georges St. Pierre Fight Again It'll Be Too Soon

I have been a serious fan of UFC for about two years now and I have never seen a GSP fight that didn't bore me to tears.

The latest example was his demolition of Dan Hardy at UFC 111. All five rounds were the same thing. He shot on Hardy in the first 30 seconds then held him down for 4 and a half minutes. And on those rare occassions he did get up, GSP wrestled him right back down.

I don't deny his greatness. On a scale of 1 to 10 his takedowns are a 20. No one stuffs them, if he wants you down, he gets you down. And when he gets you down he keeps you down. There is no one in the world at 170 who can beat him when he's doing this.

But I do question the rest of his game. Despite controlling Hardy for 24 minutes of a 25 minute fight he didn't fuck him up that badly. Also, several submissions attempts failed in due to Hardy's toughness but also because GSP didn't finish them.

In his last four fights he's gone 19 of a possible 20 rounds and avoided four straight decisions when BJ penn's corner threw in the towel. If GSP is so great why can't he finish anyone?

I did once see an exciting GSP fight. In this one he didn't take the fight to the ground right away and got decked by Matt Serra who pounded him out in the biggest upset of all-time.

I think it's because of that fight that GSP is unwilling to take even the slightest chance in any of his other fights. Which is good for his record, but not good for the PPV audience.