Idol Chatter

I guess Scotty deserved to win. I think he will do better than previous American Idols, Kris Allen and Lee DeWyze who hardly sold any albums.

I think the voting is shifting more and more to tween and teen girls. The first 4 seasons had 3 female winners (Kelly, Fantasia and Carrie). The next 6 seasons had 5 male winners (Taylor, David Cook, Kris, Lee and now Scotty).

Overall I thought the finale show was pretty good though I was really disappointed Steven Tyler and Lauren Alaina didn't do a duet of "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." I really didn't get the point of having Steven sing "Dream On" by himself.

And though I would have loved to see a goofy duet of her and Scotty I much preferred the J.lo booty shake.

I liked the Jacob performance of "Smile" with Kirk Franklin and special guest Gladys Knight. I still think he was the best singer the competition but his personality was just terrible. He turned everyone off when he refused to sing "Let's Get It On" and when he said if he got voted off after singing "Man in the Mirror" it would be because America didn't want to look in the mirror.

I loved the skit between James and Casey arguing over the most shocking elimination.



I love how they just shut it down when Pia came in with her Most Shocking sash



I don't think Jack Black is funny but he did something very subtly hilarious. As Scotty was singing his new single, after he won, he came out and hugged his whole family, and Jack Black wanted a hug too.

Note: I love how I can now cue up youtube videos to the exact spot I want.

I loved Tom Jones but I thought it was insulting to make James sing "What's New Pussycat." Why not make one of the effeminate guys sing it? Why neuter the rocker in that fashion?



I liked Beyonce's two performances. I like her new song "1+1" (though I do have a complaint about it which I think I will get to in a separate post) but I'm surprised she performed such a slow song in that venue.



I enjoyed seeing TLC and it was a cool performance with all the girls but it was sad without Left Eye. And T-Boz has really let herself go. At least Chili is still killing it.



Sometimes your kids ask you impossible questions. Why is the sky blue? Why don't people in China fall off the Earth? Why is the dog licking himself? But during this show Chase hit me with one I couldn't even begin to formulate a response to: What is Lady Gaga wearing?



I think Haley Reinhart is setting herself up to turn into a total slut when she starts her career. I'm not opposed to that at all, I think she's kinda hot. But she's like a less pretty, less curvy and less talented version of Carrie Underwood. And she doesn't have a clear genre that she fits into either. Not sure her Tony Bennett duet earned her any points with the 12-17 male audience.



More than 30 million people watched this finale of American Idol, which I believe is down from previous seasons but better than last year's number and better than this year's Dancing with the Stars finale from Tuesday night.

I guess any obituaries for the show were a bit premature and I'm pretty sure this train still has at least a few more seasons to roll through.

Does He Know Anne Frank Was Hiding From Nazis Not Paparazzi?

When Tiki Barber was cheating on his beautiful Asian wife with his beautiful blonde, much younger girlfriend while the aforementioned wife was pregnant, sometimes the paparazzi got to be too much.
So Barber hid out in the attic of his agent to get away.
And since his agent is Jewish Barber said "it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing."



This could hurt Barber's NFL comeback. If I were a Jewish owner I would tell Barber to go fuck himself before I signed him.

Side-Boobie Action

The rain is over the sun is shining and Lindsay Lohan is showing a little side-boob at a photo shoot in Miami. OK, a lot of side-boob.

Mets Update

Since we last spoke about Fred Wilpon's comments in the New Yorker, there has been a major development. Hedge fund manager David Einhorn bought 49% of the Mets for $200m.

This solves any short-term liquidity crisis the Mets may have had and it tells us who the likely next owner would be if the Wilpons were forced to or chose to sell their remaining stake.

I don't think it means the Mets as a team are worth only $400m. The Wilpons refused to give up control of the team and very few powerful billionaires would be willing to fork over hundreds of millions of dollars without getting say in how that money was spent.

But that's exactly what Einhorn did because he is a lifelong Mets fan. That could be good or bad. If he someday becomes the principal owner and runs the team like a fan he could run it like a rational fan (desperate to win, but willing to be patient and build an organization the right way) or a crazy WFAN caller (buy free agents, trade every prospect) which as we have seen doesn't work for anyone other than the Yankees.

Most likely though the Wilpons will reach a settlement for $300m - $400m in the Madoff case and still have enough money left over to keep running the Mets.

Separately, a brilliant Wall Street Journal article analyzes the Beltran signing and agrees with my assessment: it was a good deal at the time, it didn't work out as well as hoped because of injuries and the bad team around him, but it was still worth it. Comparing Beltran's value to the average cost in the free agent market that season, the Mets got their money's worth on Beltran, according to the article.

One more thing, poker watching Mets fans may remember Einhorn from the 2006 World Series of Poker Main Event. He finished 18th, good for $660k. And he wore a sweatshirt with kids' handprints on it for some kind of charity.

Still Schoolin the Youth With Wisdom

Raekwon from Wu-Tang clan was recently in Illinois for a concert and he must have made quite an impression on the State Assembly's Republican Leader.



Cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get the money, dolla dolla bill yall.

Glad to see that fiscal sanity has been restored to Illinois.

Idol Chatter

I want Lauren to win but I think Scotty is going to win.

I just like Lauren better as a singer and a person.

Plus in my first Idol Chatter of the year (this is only the third) I said "Scotty McCreery is not going to win this competition." Now I think he is. He has a more loyal following, he hasn't been in the top 3 once.

Plus all the judges seemed to go for Lauren last night. Like they were pumping her up to make this a more even fight.

Idol got lucky this year in that both of these contestants were featured prominently straight from their initial audition. Or maybe they made it that far because they were featured.

Speaking of auditions, I think it would be a crying shame if Lauren and Steven Tyler didn't do a duet of "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" tonight.

And Scotty and J.lo should do "Jenny (Scotty?) from the Block."

My one complaint with Lauren is I think they have hypersexualized her. They made her lose 20 pounds and they have put her in short skirts, low-cut dresses and push-up bras. She's 16 for heaven's sake.

Scotty will have a long and successful career in country music, win or lose. But Lauren at her young age has a chance to be a combination of Jordin Sparks and Carrie Underwood.

Before the season started I worried the judging changes and the decline in talent would spell the beginning of the end for American Idol.

One major improvement they have done this season: showing more behind-the-scenes life of the Idols, I never remember seeing so much from the Idol house, though I still wonder if Lauren and Scotty stayed there alone all season or had parental supervision, esepcially at the end. They also used more features and performances to prevent the results shows from turning into drawn-out fake-suspense-fests.

Much to the dismay of Simon Cowell, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez were quite fun and entertaining and their near-constant positivity didn't detract at all. Simon pointed criticisms were not missed.

Looks like American Idol will be around for many more seasons to come.

Song of the Week

"All About the Sex" - Donnell Jones
Another example in overzealous editing. When you hear this on the radio the word "sex" (which appears quite frequently in these lyrics), is edited out.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

A new article in the New Yorker about Fred Wilpon written by my old colleague Jeffrey Toobin is getting a lot of attention for the frank way Wilpon discussed the team and it's players.
The article is very long (I suggest you read it anyway) and it mostly focuses on the Wilpons association with Bernie Madoff.
There's some interesting backstory in there: the Wilpons and Madoffs first got together when Jeff Wilpon met Mark Madoff at Roslyn High School.
The story doesn't really shed new light on whether Wilpon knew that Madoff was a fraud. But it does raise a pretty good refutation: if Wilpon did know the nature of the scam (a Ponzi scheme) why did he keep $550m of paper money in his Madoff accounts?
I think it's more likely the Wilpons suspected he was doing something illegal or questionable (insider trading maybe) and chose to look the other way. I doubt they would have thought a Ponzi Scheme of this magntitude could have lasted this long.



Barring all that, here's the part of the article that has everyone talking:

"In the game against the Astros, Jose Reyes, leading off for the Mets, singled sharply up the middle, then stole second. “He’s a racehorse,” Wilpon said. When Reyes started with the Mets, in 2003, just before his twentieth birthday, he was pegged as a future star. Injuries have limited him to a more pedestrian career, though he’s off to a good start this season. “He thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money,” Wilpon said, referring to the Red Sox’ signing of the former Tampa Bay player to a seven-year, $142-million contract. “He’s had everything wrong with him,” Wilpon said of Reyes. “He won’t get it.”

After the catcher, Josh Thole, struck out, David Wright came to the plate. Wright, the team’s marquee attraction, has started the season dreadfully at the plate. “He’s pressing,” Wilpon said. “A really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.”

Wright walked.

When Carlos Beltran came up, I mentioned his prodigious post-season with the Astros in 2004, when he hit eight home runs, just before he went to the Mets as a free agent. Wilpon laughed, not happily. “We had some schmuck in New York who paid him based on that one series,” he said, referring to himself. In the course of playing out his seven-year, $119-million contract with the Mets, Beltran, too, has been hobbled by injuries. “He’s sixty-five to seventy per cent of what he was.” Beltran singled, loading the bases with one out.

Ike Davis, the sophomore first baseman and the one pleasant surprise for the Mets so far this season, was up next. “Good hitter,” Wilpon said. “Shitty team—good hitter.” Davis struck out. Angel Pagan flied out to right, ending the Mets’ threat. “Lousy clubs—that’s what happens.” Wilpon sighed. The Astros put three runs on the board in the top of the second.

“We’re snakebitten, baby,” Wilpon said."

Let's take all the claims separately:

Jose Reyes is not going to get Carl Crawford money because he's always hurt. Indubitably that is accurate.

David Wright is a very good player, but not a superstar. I could publish reams of statistics supporting that claim but I don't think I need to.

Wilpon was a "schmuck" for giving Carlos Beltran $119m. I disagree with this one, but its a popular opinion. He had a very bad 2005, a great 2006 (marred by one negative image), very good 2007 and 2008, then two years ruined by injuries.

Ike Davis is a good player on a "shitty team." Wilpon said that when the team was 5-13. Even now at 22-24 I'd agree with the assessment.

I just don't see how anyone can take issue with anything he said as far as its veracity, whether an owner should be that honest is another matter, but I personally enjoyed his candor.

As for him hurting the trade value of Beltran and Reyes, can you imagine any GM in the majors who changed his opinion on either of these players based on Wilpon's comments? That's a false argument.

There's a lot of hate for Fred Wilpon (much of it comes from anti-Semitism I believe) and very little of it has any basis in fact. He's not cheap, he's spending $144m for this last place team. He's not the problem with this franchise, payroll is in the top 10, results are in the bottom 10, that's the fault of the players and front office (his blame for that ends and hiring those fools). And he's not ripping his players, he's just being honest.

Who the Bleep is Editing These Songs?

For years TON misunderstood the message of 2Pac's "How Do U Want It?" He'd only heard the radio version in which 2Pac says "all I want is money plus the fame." With the explicit lyrics TON would have known the true sentiment "all I want is money fuck the fame, I'm a simple man."

But that censorship I can understand. But I have recently been confronted with several instances of censorship not involving cursewords.

For instance, in Notorious BIG's classic "Juicy" the original lyrics are "time to get paid blow up like the World Trade." That's a reference to the 1993 bombing. But given cultural sensitivities after 9/11 you can no longer hear those lyrics on any radio station.

And if you hear Juicy on any station other than Hot 97 you will hear "peace to Ron G Brucey B, Kid Capri (edit) Lovebug, Starsky"
Why? Because the actual lyric mentions Funkmaster Flex, who works for Hot 97.

The radio station wars also affecting the lyrics of Nikki Minaj's "Your Love." "Hot damn, make you scream like Summer Jam" is edited on other stations, because Summer Jam is the annual concert sponsored by Hot 97.

One thing I would like these radio stations not to do, please don't use a police siren as a sound effect to cover an edited lyric. Many of us are listening to the radio while driving in our cars. Hearing police sirens is unsettling at best and dangerous at worst.

Oooohhhhh Yeahhhhh

When Master Bates and I were little there used to be a couch in our basement that had two 5 foot tall foam pillows. We used to do tag team matches against said pillows. And I remember jumping off the couch doing the Macho Man flying elbow onto one of the prone cushions.

We were big wrestling fans when we were younger, and we thought it was "real." We'd hear the occassional sketchy rumor that Randy Savage was living on Staten Island (true). That he wasn't married to Elizabeth (he was), she was actually married to George "The Animal" Steele and they lived together in Boston where Steele was a Harvard Professor (not true).



Later in life I got into wrestling again when The Macho Man was known as the Madness and part of WCW's nWo alliance which totally reshaped wrestling. No longer were we led to believe it was real, we reveled in the story lines.

Now Randy Savage (Poffo was his real last name and yes Leaping Lanny Poffo/The Genius was his brother) is the latest in a startling trend.

Former professional wrestlers are dying way too young -- and it's happening way too fast.

Savage lived to the ripe old age of 58 before he died in a car crash (though it is believed he had a heart attack behind the wheel) but many other wrestlers had their hearts give out on them at a much younger age:

Brian Pillman
Rick Rude
Davey Boy Smith
Big Boss Man
Eddie Guerrero
Umaga

And these guys all died of other causes, suicide or drugs, but definitely negative side effects to professional wrestling:

Test
Bam Bam Bigelow
Mr. Perfect
Chris Benoit

Here's a very complete list of dead wrestlers.

That list is only going to get longer.

From Real World to Real Hot

"Hangover 2" comes out this week and while there is no way it can live up to the original I still imagine it will have some laughs and generally be a funny way to spend two hours. I will be looking forward to another cameo from Mike Tyson, but I am also intrigued to see the role of Jamie Chung, the smoking hot but under-the-radar during her season cast member from Real World: San Diego.
She apparently plays Stu's fiance.

Jamie got me thinking, who is the hottest girl in the history of the Real World. I've posted one representative picture for each of my 7 nominees and linked to their Google images page if you want to do further research. Then vote at the bottom of the page.

Note: I excluded Mallory Snyder from Real World: Paris because she became a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and the available images of her would make it impossible to vote for anyone else

Jamie Chung - San Diego



Svetlana Shusterman - Key West



Melinda Stolp - Austin



Kelly Anne Judd - Sydney



Johanna Botta - Austin



Irulan Wilson - Las Vegas



Cameran Eubanks - San Diego

The Universe Gets Revenge On Those Who Get Revenge on Their Mothers

A few years ago Mama Poop thought she was doing something nice for me when she bought me a huge soup pot.
But because of the size of our kitchen and the fact that we already had an adequate soup pot, I declined her gift.
She suggested I keep the pot for Passover but seeing as how we never host Seders, I didn't think this was an effective use of resources, so I suggested she return the pot and get her money back.
Knowing Mama Poop as I do, I knew she would never return the pot. Sure enough, several months later I went to her house and saw the pot sitting there. I abducted it, never telling Mama Poop what I had done.

The problem is, I put the pot with my Passover dishes in the basement and forgot all about it.

So this year, when Chase got sick before the first Seder scuttling our plans to go to Step On Me's we had to come up with a last minute meal. I had an idea. I'll make chicken soup. I just need a pot. So I went to Shop Rite and paid $15 for a soup pot and came home to make my soup. Which is about the time I found the other pot. So now I am stuck with two.




I still have to go back to Shop Rite to return the unused pot. But I'm glad everything worked out and the soup was good.

The lesson as always: never try to trick your mom.

The Ugga-Bugga Face

This is what Chase calls the Ugga-Bugga Face (the U is pronounced like booger not like bugger).
Guaranteed to make everyone smile for a picture.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Plans to Use the "Why Didn't She Bite?" Defense

If French lothario Dominique Strauss-Kahn ever stands trial for an alleged sexual assault on a hotel chambermaid he's likely to use the "if she ain't bitin', she ain't fightin' defense."

Here's the maid's story:
She went to his room at around noon to clean it. She knocked and got no answer. She entered the room with her key and put her cleaning cart in the open door (a policy designed to prevent encounters such as the one alleged to have happened in this case). She then announced herself again. When she got no answer she entered the room. At this time she says Strauss-Kahn jumped out of the bathroom naked. He grabbed her from behind, fondled her breasts and threw her down. She got away but he chased her, caught her and at some point moved the cart out of the way and locked the door. At this point he allegedly stuck his dick in her mouth.



Here's what the defense will likely say:
The blow job was consensual. Plus, why would he rape such an ugly woman? Have you seen her? She's an immigrant from West Africa (Guinea), a Muslim who wears a head scarf. And if he had assaulted her and stuck his dick in her mouth, why didn't she bite down? Not only did she not bite down, she blew him long enough that he actually came. Police have removed a piece of carpet believed to contain a sample of Strauss-Kahn's semen from where the maid spit (which if this was consensual is a horrible breach of ettiquette).

That brings up one of two possibilities: either DSK is a quick-draw McGraw, or he is such a sexual deviant he was so turned on by the prospect of raping this woman that he came before he even ripped her panties off.

Crazy as it might sound I think they can actually convince one out of 12 people that this was a consensual encounter.

But there are a couple big things working against him. First, the maid reported this immediately. So often in cases like this the woman waits days, weeks or even months to report it. It makes her seem not credible and evidence vanishes. Her immediate complaint would make the gathering of physical evidence (scratches or other signs of struggle on him -- or her, in addition to the supposed semen sample) much easier.

Also likely to hurt the defense, the haphazard way he nearly skipped town. He left his cell phone in the hotel room (they tracked him down when he called the hotel to retrieve it) and he was on a plane out of the country within 3 hours of the alleged attack. If they can prove he bought that ticket a week prior, that helps the defense. If he changed his flight sometime in those intervening hours, that would be a very damning piece of evidence.

But we may never know the truth about the flight, or the contents of that carpet patch because I don't think this case is going to trial.

Someone with a French accent and a briefcase full of money is going to offer this woman a settlement. Faced with the possibility of an embarrassing difficult trial at the end of which even if she succeeds she gets nothing, or the quick-fix cash settlement, I think a poor immigrant from Africa who lives in an apartment rented by a charity to house AIDS patients (though her lawyer says she does not have AIDS) would have to let the guilty man walk if it meant providing a better life for her family.

Without her cooperation prosecutors would have almost no choice but to drop the case and let Strauss-Kahn fly back to the France.

If It Weren't For Bad Luck We'd Have No Luck At All

Justin Verlander recently pitched the second no-hitter of his career. While watching the celebration after that game Mrs. Poop seemed amazed that one pitcher could have two no-hitters, while an entire franchise, the Mets, never had one in 50 years.

Here is a Wall Street Journal article (from last season) by Carl Bialik (the first person references are his not mine) explaining the phenomenon:

In 1962, the New York Mets and the Houston Colt .45s (now the Astros) entered the National League. Seven years later, the San Diego Padres joined the NL, along with the Montreal Expos (now the Washington Nationals), while the AL added the Kansas City Royals and Seattle Pilots (now the Milwaukee Brewers). Since then, six more teams have joined the majors, most recently Arizona and Tampa Bay. After Matt Garza threw a no-hitter for the Tampa Bay Rays last season, every current major-league team has at least one no-hitter — except the Padres and Mets, beaten to the feat by at least six teams younger than them.

The Mets’ futility has been oft-lamented by their fans, and even has inspired a website (nonohitters.com which exists only to chronicle the hit that breaks up the Mets pitcher's no-hitter each night) all about the drought. (A drought which this Mets fan prefers to, say, a title drought such as the one experienced by fans of that other member of the class of ‘62, the Astros.) Padres’ pitchers inability to go a full game without yielding a hit also is surprising, since the team’s strength often has been its pitching.



Just how unlucky have the Mets and Padres been? To answer the question, I developed a simplistic statistical framework to estimate the probability that a team would get a no-hitter in any particular game. For any given team, I compiled for each season of its history the number of games it played, the number of innings pitched (IP) and hits allowed. There are three outs in an inning, so the probability, on average, that any one batter makes an out is roughly equal to three times IP divided by three times IP plus hits allowed (events other than outs or hits are disregarded because they neither break up a no-hitter nor otherwise affect its probability — at least not in an obvious way). A no-hitter over nine innings requires 27 straight outs without a hit, so its probability is the probability that any one hitter makes an out, raised to the 27th power.

Then the probability that a team doesn’t get a no-hitter in a given season is one minus the probability in any single game, raised to the power of the number of games in that season. And the probability that it never has a no-hitter is the product of each of those probabilities of no no-hitters in each season.

This is, again, simplistic. The biggest problem is that the probability that a given batter makes an out will vary from game to game, and within games. This could mean that the statistical approach outlined above underestimates the probability of a no-hitter, because it fails to account for a hot pitcher meeting a cold team in propitious stadium and weather conditions. Also it fails to account for postseason no-hitters (though there’s been only two in major-league history: Don Larsen’s perfect game in the 1956 World Series and Roy Halladay's no-hitter last season).



But it does surprisingly well despite such caveats. Applied to the New York Yankees, it predicts 9.76 regular-season no-hitters over their 110-year history. The Yankees have had 10 no-hitters in the regular season. Also, I applied it even more simplistically to major-league baseball as a whole, using just three numbers: The number of games, innings pitched and hits allowed in history. That yielded an expected total of 161 no-hitters. In reality, there have been 237, counting Larsen’s and Halladay's — so not far off.

So, back to the original question: How unlucky have the Mets and Padres been? There’s just a 3.9% probability that San Diego wouldn’t have gotten a no-hitter in its 42-year history, based on its pitching staff’s stats. And the Mets have been even unluckier — the chance of no no-hitter in their 49 seasons is 0.93%.

In the Mets’ case, at least, it doesn’t appear to be for lack of good chances. The team has had 34 one-hitters in its history — compared to an expected total of 41, using a similar approach to the one used to calculate expected no-hitters.

The bad news for the Mets is that their best chances may be behind them. The franchise’s best 14 seasons in terms of hits allowed per inning all were 20 or more years ago.



The above article is a great example of the strength and weakness of the modern age of statistical analysis. Everything that can't be measured is ascribed to luck. And in most cases when things that should happen don't, it is because of simple chance. But as the case with clutch hitting, human factors are often discounted. I don't think that's the case here, it's unlikely that say for instance a Mets pitcher carrying a no-hitter into the later innings would be more likely to get adversely affected by nerves because of his desire to break the team's string of no-hitterless years than a pitcher on another team that has had a no-hitter more recently.

But it does discount two important factors:

1) Papa Poop has called me during every near no-hitter in recent Mets history in an effort to prove that he is unable to jinx a no-hitter by calling me. So far he is failing.

2) The Mets are a jinxed, cursed organization. Though we do have two titles in 50 years (roughly in line with expected value were the conditions for success in major league baseball more even) Mets fans have also suffered through many heartbreaks, including the nightly one when the opposing team inevitably gets its first hit.

But someday that streak will end, I hope. And as Mets fans we still have hope, maybe that's all we have.

Song of the Week

"Your Man" - Josh Turner
The song that launched Scott McCreery, the douchiest contestant to ever make it this far on American Idol.
I'm sure you know the lyrics "baby lock them doors and turn them lights down low..."

I'll Raise My Own Kids Thank You Very Much

Anyone who ever did a 3rd grade science project can tell you a simple requirement of research: eliminate the variables. We can only find out if plants grow better when listening to classical musical as opposed to rock if everything else is the same.

One of my favorite fallacious arguments of all-time is a commercial voiced by Jamie-Lee Curtis which professes that simply eating dinner with your children will stop them from doing drugs. The research shows children from families that eat dinner together regularly are less likely to do drugs than children from families where family sit-down dinners are not as frequent. I am sure this is correct, but post hoc ergo propter hoc. Just because something happened after something else doesn't mean it is caused by something else.

Eating dinner with your kids doesn't keep them from doing drugs. And banning toys from Happy Meals doesn't make kids healthier.

Although that is the argument being used by New York City Councilman Leroy Comrie. He wants to ban meals with more than 500 calories from being marketed to kids, because he thinks that will solve the problem.



The only way to get people to have proper eating habits is to teach them proper eating habits. And the best people to teach proper eating habits are parents. The government can't do it, and the government shouldn't do it. I am sick and tired of the government seeking to ban things that I do in moderation just because other irresponsible people abuse them.

I am talking about poker, but also McDonald's. The night before Passover we had no food in our house. So we went to McDonald's. We got Chase a Happy Meal. 4 chicken mcnuggets, some french fries, a ton of ketchup and a toy of a little dog named Luiz from the movie "Rio." I can't remember the last time before that we had McDonald's but we are teaching him it is a treat, only to be used occassionally.



I always say the biggest problem in this country is a lack of personal responsibility. It's easier to blame someone else for your shortcomings, than to accept them and fix them. And my biggest problem with liberals in general, too often, out of guilt or misguided sympathy, they offer these excuses for people. It's not your fault your kids are fat, McDonald's is marketing Happy meals directly to their malleable little minds and there's nothing you can do about it.

But there is something you can do about it. Teach your kids proper eating habits, which can include the occassional visit to McDonald's.

I'm sure there will be a time in the future when between soccer and baseball and trumpet and whatever other activities, we don't have time for a home-cooked meal. So we decide to take our kids to McDonald's.

That's right. We decide, because they're our kids, not the government's.

Baseball is Poop

Vin Mazzaro and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Outing
Kansas City's Vin Mazzaro gave up 14 runs in 2 1/3 innings. That's the shortest outing in history in which anyone has allowed 14 runs. Amazingly his first inning went pretty well, he got his first three batters in order. And gave up two singles and a walk while getting two outs in his second inning of work. So here's the situation. 2 outs, 2 on, 1 run in. Then this happened: walk, double, single, single, double, single, home run. That's 10 runs in the 4th inning. And they still let him come back for the 5th. He gave up 3 more hits and a walk before he was mercifully yanked. All of those runners scored.

2 1/3 innings 11 hits 14 runs 3 walks 2 strikeouts.
That's an ERA of 73.29 for that appearance raising his season ERA to 22.74 and earning him an immediate demotion to the minors.



He's For Real, or He's Juicing for Real
Many savvy baseball watchers, including myself had serious doubts about whether Jose Bautista could repeat his numbers (54 HRs, 995 OPS) from his breakout season last year. So far Bautista is doing much better. Through 40 games (a quarter of the season) this year Bautista has a ridiclous 1388 OPS. To put that in perspective, if he keeps that up for an entire season it will be the second best single-season OPS in history. And if you want to exclude known steroid users and only count the last 50 seasons you are left with Jeff Bagwell, Frank Thomas and Albert Belle (all in 1994 strike shortened) and Larry Walker (un circuit) and Todd Helton (both in pre-humidor Coors Field). So if you want a season with comparable conditions, the best OPS you will find is Carlos Delgado whose OPS was 1134 in 2000.
Some other great numbers from Bautista at the quarter pole: He only played 32 of the Blue Jays games, so he is homering in 50% of games played. He is also walking at an incredible rate, about a quarter of his plate appearances. That's pace for 150 over a full season.



Under-rated (clap clap, clap clap clap)
I think Paul Konerko is one of the most underrated players of his generation. Assuming he is clean, he has been overshadowed most of his career by steroid users. But has put together a very solid career. Starting in 2004 his OPS by year: 894, 909, 932, 841, 782, 842, 977 and 946 so far this year. The one year he was below 840, he was hurt, it was the only season he didn't play at least 149 games.



But Konerko has never been known as a good glove man until he made this ridiculous behind the back toss to end a game.



Note: stats for Konerko and Bautista are through Sunday 5/15

Let Him Pitch
On May 6, Cliff Lee was pulled from the game trailing 3-0 after 7 innings. He had given up 9 hits and 3 runs. If he had been pitching a no-hitter (and suspend disbelief, still trailing by 3 runs) would the manager have pulled him, even after 117 pitches? Maybe but perhaps Charlie Manuel would have let him pitch in a nod to history. But there have been 228 no-hitters since 1900. Only three times has a pitchers strike out 20 batters. Yet Lee didn't even get the chance to equal or match that mark. He had 16 strikeouts through 7. If he could have gotten 4 in the next two innings (below his rate for the first 7 innings) he would have equaled the Kerry Wood/Roger Clemens mark, and if got 5 he would have broken it. I doubt he would have been able to do it, and I commend the Phillies for not risking him throwing 150 pitches or more, but I would have liked to have seen him try.



The Great Escape
Normally I don't condone fans on the field, but in this case I have to make an exception. This is the best on-field evasion I've ever seen.



Unfortunately this joker was arrested outside the stadium.

I Guess I Wasn't the Only One Smitten With Pippa

Pippa Middleton's ass-hugging white dress caught the attention of the entire world. One British guy may have gone too far. He told his girlfriend Pippa's ass (they call it a bum over there) was better than hers, and bitch went crazy and defaced his car.



"Is Pippa's bum still better than mine?"

Thank god Mrs. Poop is a little more understanding.



Story suggested by Golzilla

Ok, That's More Like It

When I posted the picture of Pippa Middleton in a purple bra, I expressed disappointment if that was the most scandalous photo of her we could find.

It wasn't. In 2006 she went to Ibiza with William and Kate. They were having some fun on a boat and evidently someone took some pictures.



There are two photos of Pippa with her top off. She might be sunbathing, she might be adjusting her bikini top. Unfortunately, you don't even see much more than a little side boobie action, but this will have to hold us over til better comes along.

They are NSFW so I link to them here:
Picture of Pippa Middleton topless
Picture of Pippa Middleton topless