Quick Questions

1) If you have sex in Denver does that mean you joined the Mile High Club?

2) I left three dollars bills in my pants when they went in the wash. Is that technically money laundering?

3) I think Kate Upton is hot in this picture of her wearing a suit and tie. Does that make me gay?

Let Me Upgrade You

The last two times the UFC came to New Jersey (still not regulated in New York) I tried to get tickets but the upper level (affordable tickets) had sold out in the presales, before they went on to the public.
So when I heard UFC on Fox 3 was coming to the IZOD Center I didn't even feel like wasting my time. But then the morning they went on sale I decided to e-mail TON and see if he wanted to go. He e-mailed me back 19 minutes late and said “do it!” So I did.
But we had horrible seats. $65 buys a seat in row 21 (of about 24) in a corner section of the upper level. We sat there for most of the undercard (we arrived early, wanting to get our money’s worth). And right before the main card was set to begin I heard someone say “you guys want to move down?” I thought it was the guy next to us talking to his friend, but it was actually an usher passing out a stack of tickets.
You may remember a similar thing happened to us when we went to see Kimbo Slice fight in Elite XC. But that time they made an announcement asking people to move down, and people dashed down the steps. This time the usher was much more selective. People a couple rows ahead of us were not given the upgrade. We were quite literally in the right place at the right time.
Our new seats were in the back of the lower level as opposed to the back of the upper.

In our new digs we were right in the middle of the action, we saw Tim Boetsch walking down the aisle (an being heckled by a loudmouth behind us. Clay Guida was walking into the tunnel to our left. Joseph Benavidez was in the luxury box behind us. And after the fights (we stayed for all the post-fight interviews, and to see Diaz walk out) we ran into Jon Fitch who was incredibly gracious, taking pictures with anyone who asked.

We also saw an unusual number of women dressed like they were going to meet their future husband. Fancy dresses, high heels, hair did, lots of makeup. I guess they just wanted the attention. But they were totally outshone by the girls at the Harley-Davidson booth.

But on to the fights:

Not much to say about the undercard. John Dodson fought Tim Elliot in a very entertaining flyweight fight. Both guys are very athletic and tried some crazy moves. But it wasn’t a great fight. Dodson won a decision and did his backflip.
Louis Gadinot (the one with the green hair) was also pretty exciting. He got a standing guillotine and was able to get the tap with just a few seconds left in the round.
While TON and I were talking between fights I had mentioned that I noticed an unpleasant trend in MMA lately. The sport seemed to have progressed to a point where fighters are so good at picking their spots and counter-punching, that the aggressiveness has gone out of the sport. I truly believe that someone with the same talent and fighting style as Chuck Liddell used when he was a champion, wouldn’t make it in the UFC today. You can’t just wing crazy punches, you will get knocked out.
Pat Barry is the perfect example of this. I love the guy, he is one of the most exciting fighters ever and a joy to watch. He is the practitioner of vicious leg kicks (we could hear them make contact from our new seats). But he is now 3-5 in his last 8 fights. And in 3 of those losses (Crocop, Congo and Lavar Johnson) he had a major advantage, but instead of playing it safe, he kept up the aggressiveness and got caught. Against Johnson he actually had a takedown, and a full mount, and almost a mounted crucifix. He lost that position and when the fight returned to its feet, Johnson unloaded on him, hitting him with at least 15 strikes before knocking him down, at which point the ref jumped in and saved Barry.
Maybe TON and I were among the few UFC aficionados in our new section because when some loudmouth yelled out “watch for the heel hook” 1 second into the Whosimmar PaulHarris – Alan Belcher fight, we were the only two people laughing. Belcher almost paid the price for ignoring that advice. He willingly got himself into a crazy grappling match with a guy known for breaking limbs. It was quite a technical ground battle, very enjoyable to watch. But in the arena you have to look at the monitors for most of the ground fighting, impossible to see whether chokes are sunk in, and other positioning nuances, when the fighters are on top of each other and obscured by the ref, the cameraman and or the Octagon posts. Belcher slithered his way out of PaulHarris’s grip and delivered some of the most devastating ground n pound I’ve ever seen. Real, clean, hard shots right to the face.

In case you couldn’t hear it at home, the crowd was chanting “Fuck You Koscheck” during his fight against Johnny Hendricks. I hate Josh Koscheck too and really wanted to see him get his ass beat. He lost in a mostly boring split decision. Right after the fight I had thought he won but on watching it again I can see why the judges scored it as they did. Koscheck won the first round clearly. Hendricks didn’t do too much in round 2, but Koscheck did nothing, zero. He didn’t lead out once the entire fight. Several times the crowd booed as the two fighters played patty-cake instead of throwing punches. So Hendricks won round 2 by default. In round 3 Hendricks came and landed some good combinations, but he got taken down with 2 minutes left. Normally that is the kiss of death as far as judge’s scoring goes. But Kos did so little damage while on top, it was almost a win for Hendricks. And that’s what it became.
The main event was another good versus evil matchup as the crowd was solidly behind hometown boy (“he’s from Whippany”) Jim Miller instead of mental defective Nate Diaz. Diaz dominated round 1 and toyed with Miller in round 2, mocking him and urging him to punch. And finally he cracked Miller, got his back and choked him out. We did not know this in the arena at the time but Miller lost his mouthpiece and was getting choked with his tongue out of his mouth. Joe Rogan said he was being forced to bite off his own tongue.
That was about the only thing we missed by being in the arena. Even though you can see the fight much better on TV, the in-arena atmosphere was awesome and I would love to go again next time the UFC comes to town. Though I doubt we’ll ever get so many good fights and the same good seats.

Oh No, No More Mo

Even as a Mets fan I am saddened by the injury to Mariano Rivera. He tore his ACL while shagging flies in the outfield during batting practice. At 42 years old and in the midst of what was likely his last season anyway, Rivera will likely never pitch in a Major League game again. In a crumpled heap on the warning track is how the career of the greatest relief pitcher ever ends.

There isn’t even a debate as to whether Rivera is the best reliever ever. He has the most saves (608), the best ERA (2.21), the best FIP (min. 500 innings) and the best WAR (39) by far. He’s worth nearly 10 more wins over the course of his career than the second best guy, Goose Gossage. Only 9 relievers contributed even half as many wins over their careers as Rivera did. But like I said that is a foregone conclusion. It’s more fun to compare him to starting pitchers. His WHIP is unbelievable, second only to Addie Joss. And that doesn’t include any kind of adjustment for era. His ERA stacks up well, but many dead-ball era pitchers like Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson and Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown are better. Until you adjust ERA for era. The career leaders for ERA+ (which basically compares ERA to league average and adjust for park effects) is 206. Meaning his ERA was less than half of league average for his career. Pedro Martinez is second, with 154. That’s a pretty big gap between 1st and 2nd all time. When you look at his individual seasons on ERA+ the numbers are sick. 308 in 2005, 316 in 2008 and a bunch of other years in the mid and high 200s. To put this in perspective, 150 is really good, 200 is amazing. He is routinely above 200.

And I haven’t even mentioned his postseason performance yet. He is arguably the great postseason performer of any player ever. 8-1 with 42 saves and 0.70 ERA in 141 innings. Against only the best teams. That is amazing. And all those great regular season numbers I just listed pale in comparison to his October greatness. Greatness we will likely never see again. Not from anyone else, and unfortunately not from Rivera himself either.

A Tan for All Seasons

Patricia Krentcil is a 44-year old mother of 5. She took her 5-year old daughter to the tanning salon. The child’s school noticed the little girl (who is actually quite pale) came to school with a burn. They reported it to authorities and the mother was arrested on child endangerment charges. That’s all well and good. Everyone knows little kids shouldn’t tan. It’s dangerous for everyone and could lead to skin cancer, but it’s especially bad for children who can’t make an informed choice about it. But no one would give two shits about this story if it weren’t for this awesome picture of the mother.

She looks like she smeared herself in chocolate. She looks like Kramer when he fell asleep in the tanning booth.

Giving the Orange Haters Ammunition

I don't even know how to cleverly write about this. Some Syracuse students, with a lot of University cooperation, recorded a Syracuse version of LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It." How they got Floyd Little to do that dance I don't know, but I will never look at him the same way again.

Song of the Week

"Feel So Close" - Calvin Harris
There is nothing to this song. There are like ten words, but it has a cool beat.

Kate Upton is a Better Dancer Than David Green

Supermodel Kate Upton first stole our hearts while sitting courtside at a Clippers game and chair-dancing the Dougie.

Now she is teaching us how to do the Cat Daddy.

That looks like the same swimsuit she barely fit into on the cover of the Swimsuit Issue. And she was about to fall out of it while dancing or she might have kept going.
Bonus Kate Upton video with Kevin Durant and James Harden (before he got elbowed in the head presumably):

The tight asses at youtube actually removed the Cat Daddy video, here's an article explaining why: She dressed conservatively at the White House Correspondents dinner and still managed to turn heads. So imagine what model Kate Upton could do if she wore a red bikini and started dancing. That's what famed fashion photographer Terry Richardson wanted to find out with his latest art project, the Cat Daddy dance. The answer is: YouTube pulls the video for violation of its code on "nudity and sexual content" just as gossip websites around the world are trying to embed it. Although Upton is dressed provocatively in the video, and at times threatens dance out of her bikini, she isn't at any point naked, or flashing nipples.

What Do You Give Me For? Romeo Crennel and Reggie Smith

I was watching some recorded episodes of MLB Network's brilliant show "Baseball's Seasons" and I found myself dumbfounded by the fact that I never knew Kansas City Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel played for the Los Angeles Dodgers in the late 70s and early 80s. I'm kidding of course, but what do you give me for Romeo Crennel and Reggie Smith?

We Should Keep Our Eyes On This Kid

There's a boy in Texas named Flint who probably should be under federal surveillance for the rest of his life. After the local-TV weatherman Albert Ramon visited Flint's school, Flint's teacher had the class write thank you letter to Ramon. Here is Flint's letter:




"Thank you again for teaching us about meteorology [sic], you're more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out of bacon riding a cyborg unicorn with a lightsaber for the horn on the tip of a space shuttle closing in on Mars while engulfed [sic] in flames...And in case you didn't know, that's pretty dang sweet."

I've got my eye on you, Flint.

The Steal of the Draft

Everyone at the NFL Draft talks about raw talent, but no one has more than Lauren Tannehill, wife of Miami Dolphins draft pick Ryan Tannehill. When 25 million NFL fans saw this shot on ESPN, a new star was born.

And if there were a best-dressed award at the draft, Lauren Tannehill certainly wins it.

Not sure who Miami owner Stephen Ross is happier to have on his team.

Baseball is Poop

The Best Player in Baseball
If you don’t follow baseball very closely, or you have a vote for MVP (maybe that’s redundant) you might not have known that Matt Kemp is the best player in baseball. Last year he was better than Ryan Braun in virtually every category; and a full win better in the crucial WAR ranking. While Braun was later disgraced for failing a steroids test and winning an appeal without even challenging the result, Kemp has emerged ready to prove his place as the best player in baseball. His stats this year are ridiculous, through 19 games he has 10 homers, 23 RBI and a WAR of 2.2. Multiply those numbers by 8 and look at his 1450 OPS and bow down at his greatness.

When Will It End?
The incredible story of Jamie Moyer is continuing this season. Through 4 starts, Moyer is 1-2 with a 2.28 ERA, though FIP (4.25) seems to indicate he’s benefitting from some favorable defense so far. When Moyer recorded his 268th win he became the oldest pitcher in major league history to win a game. What’s even more impressive at his age, he stayed up to watch the whole thing.

Why Couldn’t He Do This When He Was a Pitcher?
One of the most remarkable careers we are having the pleasure of witnessing is Rick Ankiel’s. He started as a pitcher, had an infamous playoff meltdown and couldn’t throw strikes. Then he went to the minors and remade his career as an outfielder. And he still possesses that wonderful arm. Only difference is now he can actually throw strikes.

If Only All Pitchers Were Like Bartolo Colon
Bartolo Colon threw a Major League record 38 straight strikes (MLB cut it all into one video), a Major League record. During that span he got 10 outs and gave up two hits. Maybe more pitchers should follow his lead.

Win Without Him, Can't Win With Him
The pre-season storyline involving the St. Louis Cardinals was that we shouldn't write off the Cardinals just because they were losing The Magnificent Pooh Holes. Because they were acquiring one of the best pitchers in the National League, Adam Wainwright. If they won the World Series without him imagine what they could win with him. So far not much. The Cardinals are 12-3 when he doesn't start and 0-4 when he does. Wainwright has a 7.32 ERA in 4 starts, but his 2.70 xFIP points to a fair amount of bad luck that should normalize as the season goes on.

Humber Makes Lumber Slumber
Philip Humber, part of the Johan Santana trade, became the 21st pitcher in Major League History to pitch a perfect game. He also became the 17th former Met to pitch a no-hitter. The Chicago White Sox have had two perfect games in 5 years, and the Mets have gone 50 without a no-hitter. But lest you think the Mets let the next Nolan Ryan get away, Humber got bombed for 9 runs in 5 innings in his next start.

Ballpark Etiquette

A very interesting situation developed in Texas earlier this week. Rangers first baseman Mitch Moreland tossed a ball into the stands. An older gentleman (in his 40s or 50s) catches the ball and gives it to his wife. The young kid seated next to him (3 or 4) started to cry. The couple was indifferent to his wails and kept the ball, even posing for pictures with it.
The kid was very cute and eventually someone from the Rangers dugout did toss him a ball, making his day and bringing a delightful smile to his face. But this doesn’t make the old couple villains. You are under no obligation to give up something you rightfully earned to a crying child. Especially to a crying child. Had they given him the ball just to get him to stop being a brat, they would have been rewarding a negative behavior and sending a bad message to this kid and all youngsters in the audience. Yes, it would have been very nice if they had voluntarily offered him the ball, but it is not a requirement. What if they have kids or grandkids of their own to whom they would give the ball? Maybe they just wanted the ball as a keepsake to their evening. And when this kid grows up and takes his own kid to a game is he going to tell him that he got a ball by crying like a baby until someone pitied him.

Song of the Week

"Thinking About You" - Frank Ocean
No relation to Billy. Neither of their real last names is Ocean. I love this young cat though. I love falsetto, but sometimes it's too much, so I love the way he flips it back and forth. The video is a little weird. I'm just not into this whole zombie craze.

Who Wore It Best?

Who wore this Larry Fitzgerald jersey and black thong better, The Poop or Bibi Jones?

I could have sworn I posted this months ago when Bibi Jones was in the news, but I guess I didn't.

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,781

Everyday when I get my car from the garage I tip the parking attendant a dollar. Sometimes it's a pain to find enough singles, so I just go to the bank and ask for $100 singles. I tossed the bundle at Mrs. Poop. She ripped the paper ring holding the bills together. She apologized saying "I was having fun. I was making it rain."

Who Was In This Car?

I was driving home on the streets of Manhattan when on 49th St. I got behind a Bentley. You always notice a Bentley, right? But this one had Miami Heat license plates that also said something about American Airlines Arena. What was this car doing in New York? And who was in it? Had to be either the owner, Pat Riley, Dwyane Wade or LeBron James, right?

I Told You So

To the doubters who didn't see the resemblance between Hollie Cavanagh and Amanda Leatherman I don't care what you think, because obviously Amanda Leatherman herself sees it.

Song of the Week

"Somebody I Used to Know" - Gotye
This song is hauntingly beautiful. Mrs. Poop has been playing it non-stop.

Cryin Wolf

There is real racism in this country. There are stereotypes that diminish groups and hurt feelings. Say black people like fried chicken is not one of them. Jewish people traditionally eat matzo ball soup. Italians enjoy pasta. Japanese people eat sushi. Black people eat soul food, including fried chicken and collard greens.
So why are people upset about this Burger King ad starring Mary J Blige.



Evidently to some this commercial reinforces the harmful stgereotypes that black people like to sing and dance and eat fried chicken. Blige says she thought the ad was going to be a dream sequence. Not sure how that would change it. And not sure why she agreed to sing those lyrics if they were so hurtful.

Ain't No Piece of Ass Worth 4300 Text Messages

Arkansas Bobby Petrino brought down in an embarrassing text and sex scandal. Petrino got into a horrible motorcycle accident and told everyone that he was riding alone. He wasn't. The 51-year-old Petrino had his 25-year-old mistress on the back. She was unhurt. But when the truth finally came out not only was it revealed that Petrino was having an affair with Jessica Dorell, we found out he hired her for a job with the football team, just a week earlier, choosing her over 158 other candidates. And she was engaged to some other dude who worked in the athletic department. Their wedding webpage was immediately defiled.






Sure Petrino is a jerk. For cheating on his wife. For using his power to get his girlfriend a job. For lying to his boss about it. For leaving the Falcons in the middle of the season. But the most embarrassing is that he and Dorrell exchanged 4300 text messages of the length of their affair. Is he a fuckin teenage girl? I thought the best part about these affairs is that you don't actually have to talk to the mistress because you might get caught. And Dorrell wasn't the only hot young slut Petrino was texting.

This is Alison Medler:





She's a bikini model/bikini contest winner, I can see why. Petrino also sent her 200 text messages, and it was mutual because she sent him 7 pictures (wish we could see those) over this two month period.

In summary Bobby Petrino is a piece of shit and it's a shame these hot young girls fall for him, especially Dorrell who basically ruined her whole life for this scumbag.