Nobody's Perfect

Armando Galarraga loses a perfect game on a terrible call. Fact is; Jim Joyce blew it. Galarraga had 26 outs in his back pocket. And he had his foot on the bag and the ball in his glove. He was seconds away from celebrating until Jim Joyce blew the call. In Joyce’s defense, he is looking at the play but mostly listening for the sound of foot on base and ball in glove. The way Galarraga caught it, the ball got snow-coned in his glove, maybe not making the sound Joyce is used to hearing.



A lot of people are saying Galarraga was “robbed” of a perfect game. As Archie Bunker pointed out, you can’t be robbed of something you never had. He made that point referring to the perfect game of Harvey Haddix. Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings but since the game was tied at zero, he went to the 13th and ended up losing the game on a home run to Joe Adcock (who passed Hank Aaron on the bases and only got credit for a single). So that’s not a perfect game.

Neither was Ernie Shore’s. In 1917 Shore entered the game after the starting pitcher was ejected after walking the first batter. That pitcher was Babe Ruth by the way. The baserunner was thrown out trying to steal and Shore retired the next 26 batters in a row. But’s that not a perfect game.

Nor will Galarraga’s game be marked in the history books as one. There are calls for Bud Selig to retroactively reverse the call and restore the perfect game. That’s preposterous, and unnecessary. Everyone knows Galarraga pitched a perfect game. He can sleep at night secure with his accomplishment and will be remembered that way. In fact, the uniqueness and misfortune will assure him an even better place in the memories of baseball fans.

Who cares what’s written in the record books? Those are the same record books that say Barry Bonds is the all-time home run king.

Really? That Many People are Watching These Shows?

With the spring television season recently completed I thought I would point out something I noticed in the ratings every week that I simply cannot believe. Consistently each week American Idol and Dancing with the Stars top the ratings, understandably so. But right below those shows every week is NCIS. The ratings say 20 million people watch this show every week. But I have never seen it, and I don't know anyone else who watches it either. How is this show pulling 20 million viewers?




Also, every week SpongeBob SquarePants is at the top of the cable ratings. 4.5 million kids are watching this show each Saturday morning.

Song of the Week

"I'm So Happy, I Can't Stop Crying" - Sting
"Something about the universe and how it's all connected"

One Obnoxious Yankees Fan I Find Amusing

Never say I am not an unbiased journalist. I hate the Yankees but I have to give credit where credit is due. This guy biting the pork chop right out of Kim Jones's hand is an unparalleled act of bravery and humor.

Bernie Carbo Wanted to Break Keith Hernandez's Arms

Former Red Sox outfielder Bernie Carbo, best known for hitting a game-tying 3-run homer in the epic Game 6 of the 1975 World Series says he was high during the game, and basically his entire career.

"I probably smoked two joints, drank about three or four beers, got to the ballpark, took some [amphetamines], took a pain pill, drank a cup of coffee, chewed some tobacco, had a cigarette, and got up to the plate and hit . . . I played every game high. I was addicted to anything you could possibly be addicted to. I played the out field sometimes where it looked like the stars were falling from the sky."

When Carbo went to the St. Louis Cardinals in 1980 he introduced Keith Hernandez to cocaine. When Hernandez testified in the 1985 Pittsburgh drug trial he identified Carbo as his supplier. Evidently that made Carbo mad enough to seek revenge.

"I knew some people, and I had $2,000, and I asked them to break his arms." Carbo said.

"When I went to an individual to have it done, he said, 'We'll do it in two or three years if you want it done, but we're not going to do it today, Bernie. If we went and broke his legs today, or broke his arms, you don't think they would understand that you are the one that had it done?' "

More Incontrovertible Photographic Evidence Proving Elena Kagan is a Lesbian

You see the way Elena Kagan is sitting? More proof she's a lesbian. As if we need more proof. Young, straight women sit with their legs crossed. Older straight women sit with their ankles crossed. You know who sits with their legs open? Lesbians, that's who!

The Best Baseball Card Ever

It's the Honus Wagner T-206 for our generation.
For sale on eBay right now is a 2010 Bowman Chrome Superfractor Stephen Strasburg.
With three days left the bidding is at $17,100. [It sold for $16,403, there must have been some bids retracted because buyers had to prove ability to pay]
Here's why this card is so valuable:
Bowman Chrome does several versions of each card, a regular card, a refractor (500), an Xfractor (225), blue refractor (150), gold refractor (50), orange refractor (25), red refractor (5) and superfractor (1)
Yes, there is only one of this card. It makes it an incredible white whale for very wealthy collectors.
I have no doubt that Strasburg is going to become an all-time legend and I suspect this card will be bought and sold many more times throughout his career for increasingly higher prices.



Note: I got one Superfractor in my life, 2005 Bowman Chrome Ryan Sweeney. I sold it for $247

Song of the Week

"Good People" - Jack Johnson
I was amazed when I heard this song for the first time and was sure it was new, turns out it's a couple years old. How does something like this not get mainstream radio airplay?
There are two types of people in this world, those who think Jack Johnson is a turn of the century black boxer, and those who think Jack Johnson is a white pop singer.



Plus, it's TON's birthday and I guarantee he heard this song, likes this song and even took Special K to see this guy in concert.

Suck My Horn Bitch

Bullfighting is a lot more fun when the bull wins.



Julio Aparicio was coming off a high having just killed two bulls in France and proudly showing off their ears.
The next day at a bullfight in Madrid he let his guard down against “Opiparo.”
Just as he was about the deliever the “death blow” to the badly injured Opiparo, he tripped and fell, and Opiparo took advantage.
He charged at Aparicio and put his right now through his throat and out his mouth.
Aparacio needed major surgery but he will live.
Which is more than I can say for Opiparo who was immediately killed by another bullfighter.

Carpet Muncher, Clam Digger, Softball Player

The Wall Street Journal published a picture on its front page of Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan playing softball. The picture was taken in 1993, and became a front-page story in 2010. Some have claimed the Journal did this to raise questions about Kagan’s sexuality. She is rumored to be a lesbian but the White House angrily denies these “charges.” Kagan has said nothing.



And that’s the problem. All the liberals and gays out there long for the day when someone’s sexual preference doesn’t matter, especially for a Supreme Court Justice when lots of other issues are way more important when determining competency for the role. But instead of blaming the evil people who keep asking the questions, I think it’s the people who constantly evade the issue who make sexuality important.
Ricky Martin, Johnny Weir, Adam Lambert, Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres are just some of the celebrities who at least initially lied or hid their sexuality. Do they think that brings us closer to the day when no one will care? What if they simply said, “yes I am gay.” Wouldn’t that minimize it, if that is indeed their goal?
Which brings us back to the Wall Street Journal, of course their goal was to raise questions about her sexuality. Combine the rumors, with the stereotype of softball players and you can reach no other conclusion. But maybe the Journal was doing more for the cause than all the closeted celebrities and public figures. Don’t we have to have the conversation before we can end the conversation?
Not sure, but I’d like to ask Jennie Finch about it.

Refreshing Honesty

Campbell Brown recently stepped down from CNN and her final words were so refreshingly honest that I had to share them and think we should all applaud her and hope more people in the future will do the same when faced with a similar predicament.

"Simply put, the ratings for my program are not where I would like them to be. It is largely for this reason that I am stepping down as anchor of CNN's "Campbell Brown". To be clear: this is my decision, and one that I have been thinking about for some time. As for why, I could have said, that I am stepping down to spend more time with my children (which I truly want to do). Or that I am leaving to pursue other opportunities (which I also truly want to do). But I have never had much tolerance for others' spin, so I can't imagine trying to stomach my own. The simple fact is that not enough people want to watch my program, and I owe it to myself and to CNN to get out of the way so that CNN can try something else.
My plan right now is to help CNN through any transition, and then to enjoy, for the very first time, the nightly ritual of "Good Night Moon" and good night kisses with my two little boys. I wish my CNN colleagues all the best. And as long as bedtime doesn't conflict with primetime, I will be watching and pulling for them."

It's true that Brown got killed in the ratings. On a rough estimate O'Reilly averaged 2.5 million viewers a night, 1 million for Olbermann, 500,000 for Nancy Grace and 300,000 for Brown. Her show's tagline was "No Bull, No Bias" but the rating show viewers want bull and bias. But at least she took the high road on the way out.

Song of the Week

"Hold You" - Gyptian
I'm hoping this will be the first song of the week that no one has ever heard of before.

Another Reason For LeBron To Come To New York

The Knicks don't have Delonte West.
According to scurrilous internet rumors West is banging LeBron's mom, Gloria James.
Apparently this has been going on for a while but LeBron didn't find out until the middle of the Celtics series.
The team discord may have resulted in the Cavs losing.
I don't believe this story one bit, but it should at least be part of the Knicks pitch to LeBron.
We promise no one on the team will fuck your mother.

Yes, He Really Said That

A few years ago an e-mail made its way around the internet telling the supposed story of a news anchorwoman who questioned the weatherman about his snow forecast that never came true thusly: “what happened to the 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Unfortunately that is an urban legend but now we have something better.
After reporter Catherine Shreves of WGNO in New Orleans did a story on the G-Shot, a shot given to women to enlarge their G-Spot, anchor Michael Hill asked the question everyone was probably wondering:

Song of the Week

"Despicable (freestyle)" - Eminem

"fuck that I'd rather turn this club into a barroom brawl
get rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall"

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,780

While rushing for an appointment for an ultrasound Mrs. Poop was driving around the very busy parking lot at the medical building. She noticed one of the spaces reserved for Maternal-Fetal Medicine Patients open up, but by the time she drove around to it a man (by himself) had taken the spot.
Mrs. Poop avoided confrontation but was forced to park across the street in the parking lot of the Korean Church.
On the way in, she left a note on the offending car "thanks for parking in a spot reserved for pregnant ladies, asshole."

You've Gotta Be Explicit With Those Cake Decorators

With the Braves in Washington to play the Nationals Senators Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.) and Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) hosted a ceremony, inviting the Braves manager Bobby Cox, as well as players and officials to honor Cox on his retirement.
But the cake had an unfortunate and profane misspelling of his last name



“Thanks for 50 great years Bobby Cocks”

Here’s how it happened: Restaurant Associates which does the catering for the Capitol called to place the order with a cake company they don’t normally use. They gave the name over the phone and never specifically spelled out C-O-X.

When Cox and the Braves players arrived they met with and posed for pictures with Congressional staffers. It was during this time that a staffer went to get the cake ready and noticed the mistake. They quickly cut off the offending portion of the cake and smeared the icing with the misspelling, but not before a media member got a picture.

Song of the Week

"For the Longest Time" - Billy Joel
I really like the fact that 20 years after doo-wop went out of style Billy Joel just said "hey fuck it, I want to record a doo-wop song."
Also, doo-wop is one of my favorite styles of music, you just can't be unhappy when listening to doo-wop. I love that every song has a guy with really deep bass and one with a really high falsetto.
According to Wikipedia, my old station WCBS-FM was instrumental in this song becoming a hit. When the "Innocent Man" album came out in 1983, CBS-FM started playing "For the Longest Time" because it sounded like an old song even though it was new. That prompted the record label to release it as the 4th single from the album.
Wikipedia also says Joel recorded all the vocals, presumably including the bass profundo and the falsetto himself.

Mrs. Poop's New Favorite Baseball Player

We all have our crosses to bear and Mrs. Poop's cross is her oft-recurring kidney stones.

Note: her idiotic husband was her own choice

That is why her new favorite baseball player is Colorado Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo. In a game earlier this season Olivo went to the clubhouse bathroom between innings and passed a kidney stone. Impressive, because as bad is it is for a woman, pushing the stone out for a man is even more painful.

Even more impressive, Olivo went back out for the next inning.

“Believe me, it’s not fun,” said Olivo. “Sometimes, when I’ve got that thing, I just want to die. But I can handle pain a little bit. Once it’s gone, I’m normal, I’m good. Let’s play baseball.”

Olivo has learned to live with the condition ever since he began experiencing kidney stones in 2003 while playing for the White Sox.

“Come on,” said Olivo. “After I passed it, I don’t even feel it anymore. I don’t feel anything. It’s like crazy.”

Paulo's Book Club: "Real Men Don't Say Splendid"

"Real Men Don't Say Splendid: A Lexicon of Unmanliness" is a silly little book that literally takes all of 10 minutes to read cover to cover.
But if you love words the way I do, it's a funny 10 minutes.



Simple premise: it lists 99 words real men should never say under any circumstances and it gives sentences for each one.

A large portion of the words are only used by gay men and gossip magazine writers: Canoodling, Preggers, Galpal, Chic, Elegant, Nuptials and the homosexual standard, Fabulous

There's also quite a few words Mrs. Poop uses on a regular basis which is ok because she's a girl: adorable, comfy, cuddle, snuggle, dilly-dally and scoot.
If Chase and I are laying in bed and she wants to get in she might say "you guys look comfy but can you scoot so I can snuggle and cuddle with you."

The word golly might have been added after the author saw me at a goyisha wedding because the accompanying sentence is: Golly, that's a lot of shrimp for one person.

Seinfeld perfectly captured the essence of this book when saying he didn't want to carry the chocolate babka to the party because standing at the door holding a box by a little string is a "tad dainty." Both those words are in the book.

A few other good examples from the book that I absolutely agree no real man should ever use: fancy, heartthrob, mingle (especially as in "I'm single and ready to mingle"), glamorous and hunk.

But a few of the entries I really don't understand their inclusion:
Boobies: Sometimes you have to talk about tits but you can't call them tits, boobs or boobies is the best alternative here.

Giggle: I don't know a good synonym to describe this type of laughter.

Oops: What else are you supposed to say when you make a mistake?

Shimmy: Only acceptable when quoting Major League 2: "Parkman is doing that little shimmy, it makes the women here in Cleveland wanna puke."

Tasty: Once again a manly movie quote "MMMM, this is a tasty burger."

Panties: There is a manly way to say this "She wasn't wearing any panties dawg."

In place of those I word have added: drafty, duvet, draperies and exquisite