Leary's Wedding

Even though he doesn't look a day over 18 JLeary got married and since we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I was invited.

I was even a groomsman, along with Reissberg and the Concierge.

Because his lovely bride is from Hershey, Pennsylvania, that's where the wedding was held.

After a long drive through farm country thanks to our GPS, we arrived in Hershey disappointed that the smell of chocolate was not permeating the air as we had hoped. Apparently that only happens on hot, humid days.

Mrs. Poop and I checked into the lovely Hershey Hotel and explored the grounds. On separate trips we ran into the bride, the groom, the Reissbergs and the Concierges.

We had dinner Friday night at an Italian restaurant on Chocolate Avenue, but it wasn't a rehearsal dinner (more on that later).

We got back in time to witness a beautiful fireworks display put on by Hershey Park from the hotel's veranda.

Then we started drinking. It was really weird to drink with J's little brother Jeff whom I last remember tossing around when he was 4. Now he's all growns up and going to school and working as a pastry chef at a hotel. The Concierge tried to trick him into admitting that he uses transfats in violation of New York City's ban, but Jeff didn't even seem to know what Crisco is.

Saturday morning Mrs. Poop and I seemed to be the only ones who didn't pay to have strangers touch us (massage) so we spent the morning at Chocolate World getting a behind the scenes look at Hershey's manufacturing process.

We bought some souvenirs and split a delicious Smores cup and headed back to the hotel for lunch. Our lunch was provided by the bride and groom, a delicious cold cuts platter served in the Concierge's room. I think I ate about 10 pickles. I have a strange aversion to wasting food. If food I like is sitting there, I have to eat it.

After that I got dressed and met the groosmen downstairs for some pictures. Because this was a non-Jewish wedding the bride and groom didn't see each other before, so we were just with the groom for a few pictures and a rehearsal.

We met the pastor who walked us through everything that would happen, while constantly reminding us that he usually does this in a church. And he also mentioned repeatedly that he usually has a rehearsal dinner the night before. He seemed very nervous that something would go wrong, not only because this was a road game, but because we hadn't put in enough practice time.

The ceremony was in Founders Hall, part of the Milton Hershey School. The wedding was in a beautiful huge open space, and the bride got to walk down the stairs.



Since there was no rehearsal, the pastor was diligent in reminding us of our duties, including to usher guests to their seats, a duty I shirked because of my discomfort with non-Jewish traditions.

The pastor evidently spent too much time watching over us, because he forgot to say "you may kiss the bride," kind of an important part. Thankfully, he did get in all the legal mumbo-jumbo so they were married officially, and it was time to party.

I want to mention one more funny thing about the pastor. About halfway through the receiving line he suggested to us that we should check on the groom and see if he needs anything "maybe a breath mint."

The Concierge was offended by the presumption that he carries breath mints. "What is this, the 1950s when everyone carried binaca?"

Before we got to eat, the combined wedding party got to take more pictures, which was fun, but it made us a little late to the cocktail hour. When I arrived I found that Mrs. Poop had saved me a lobster tail (what reason am I up to now?) and I almost bit off the Conciergette's arm while trying to eat it.

I noticed that the table chosen by our significant others was conveniently located next to the seafood bar, which was full of shrimp. After making my way around the room (and getting into a fight with TON over the fact I friended his high school nemesis on Facebook) I returned and began devouring shrimp at a startling pace. Almost everyone in the room used the "Hey Paul, the ocean called..." line on me and when JLeary tried it I told him, "well I just had sex with your wife."

As usual TallSkott was dressed like a member of the wait staff.



The cocktail hour ended which meant it was time to party.

But first the bride and groom had their first dance as husband and wife.



There was also a dance with J and his mom (though this might have come much later on).



Once the DJ shifted from traditional party music to more contemporary music and hip-hop, the party really got rockin.

Thanks to an abundance of fun, young guests at this wedding, the dance floor was always very crowded, except for when someone put a bottle in the middle of it. Apparently this is a Long Island tradition, but it's evidently customary to place a beer bottle or glass in the middle of the dance floor because it somehow forces everyone to form a circle creating an arena for an intrepid soul to show off his or her moves for an adoring crowd. This was done several times throughout the night until Joe, a Mets fan and my best friend for the weekend, somehow broke the bottle with his face, without cutting his lip.

Some of the other featured music included "I Kissed a Girl," during which I ran around the room trying to get two girls to make out with each other. Maybe I crossed the line when I encouraged the bride to do it. At least Mrs. Poop said I did.

They also played "Apache," which got the cognoscenti out on the floor doing the Apache dance and patting their mouths to make the Indian noise.



At a lot of weddings the bride and groom don't get to enjoy their own party, not this time. May-May was out on the floor most of the night acting the fool with me.



When I walked outside the ballroom and noticed that there was a buffet of candy (Hershey's of course), kisses, York Peppermint patties, Mr. Goodbar, Kit Kats and others, along with bags for us to fill up and take home.

Now for those who don't know, The Concierge is not allowed to eat candy, by order of the Conciergette. So Nails and Mrs. Nails decided to play a little joke. Nails filled up a bag full of candy and was planning to stuff the Concierge's pockets. But when he reentered the room The Conciergette was sitting in The Concierge's chair. Mrs. Nails quickly ad libbed and put on The Concierge's jacket, feigning coldness. After a few minutes of subterfuge, she left the room wearing the jacket, with Nails following closely behind. After filling the pockets to the breaking point they returned and placed the jacket on the back of The Concierge's chair where they found it. When he went to put it on at the end of the night he noticed it was a little heavier than when he wore it last. For the next several minutes, he was yanking chocolate bars out of the jacket's every orifice. When the mound of chocolate was piled on the table he tried to explain that he had been set up, but everyone tried to convince The Conciergette that he was sneaking candy past her.




After the wedding ended we stayed at the hotel bar for a few more drinks, and one by one they dropped like flies, then I went to bed leaving The Concierge as the last man standing, in more ways than one.

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire

Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's balls on fire. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.
Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.
Pillers, who was out on parole, got 2 years for this.

Song of the Week

"What Do I Do With the Love?" - Dru Hill
When our relationship was in its infancy Mrs. Poop and I had one of those stupid fights young couples often do. We broke up, I listened to this song 100 times in a row and we got back together like a day later.

Round of the Year?

I've written before about how my love for boxing has been diminished since the sport descended into a cesspoll of controversial decisions and crappy fights. I never even watch matches live anymore, I just wait for them to be good, then catch them on youtube. So when I heard that the fight between Kendall Holt and Ricardo Torres featured the "Round of the Year," I was intrigued:



I was actually very disappointed by this because the second knockdown was a pretty cheap one, and the knockout punch didn't seem all that devastating. Exciting fight, but I've seen better.

I Hope Jenny McCarthy Meets This Guy in a Dark Alley

Talk radio host Michael Savage is under fire for some comments he made about autism:

“You know what autism is? I’ll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.’”

Obviously this is ridiculous and this guy Savage is a fuckin moron. If he had been talking about ADHD, maybe, I could have seen his point, because I agree that's overdiagnosed. But with autism a 5-year old kid may not even speak, how do you blame that on parenting? I'm so furious at this guy right now.

Weekend At Bernie's III

I think they were shooting scenes for "Weekend at Bernie's III" during the All-Star game at Yankee Stadium.

How Do I Look?

Whenever I have to dress up for a wedding or other special event, Mrs. Poop usually tells me that I look nice, using her pet phrase, "you clean up nice."
I tend to disagree. What do you think?

Greg Norman Chokes Again

Greg Norman entered Sunday with a 2 stroke lead in the British Open. He bogeyed the first three holes, shot a 77 for the day and finished 6 strokes back, continuing one of the worst records of anyone in any sport.
He's now lost 54-hole leads 7 times in a major, and only one once in those situations.
Obviously, he's well past his prime and it was amazing for him to even finish as high as he did, but his age didn't catch up with him, his past did.
There is definitely something about Norman (we'll never know what it is) that brings out the worst in him when his best is needed.

Welcome to Washington, Katina Taylor

Great trade by the Redskins acquiring Jason Taylor and his beautiful wife Katina Taylor.
With the injury to Philip Daniels the Redskins needed a pass rushing end and they got the best one in the league.
And giving up a second and sixth round draft pick is basically stealing Taylor.
While his $8.1 million salary this year eats up almost all of the remaining cap room, it's money well spent.
And bringing his hot wife with him just sweetens the deal.

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,772

I was watching an old poker tournament when Allen Cunningham and two other players got all-in preflop. All three of them turned up ace-king, and I pointed it out to Mrs. Poop.
The next day she asked "what happened in that hand when everyone had ace-king."
After years of pretending to hate poker I think she's warming up to it and will eventually be multi-tabling on my Full Tilt account.

A Way Around Mrs. Poop's Beer Pong Ban

When Mrs. Poop duped me into an expensive rennovation of our sunroom (and former beer pong playing area) she probably thought she'd stopped me from playing beer pong forever, but boy was she wrong.
A new video game titled "Beer Pong" was designed for the Nintendo Wii. We could play with virtual balls and cups and drink actual beer.
Not surprisingly some tightasses are unhappy with this game and the message it is sending to teens.
Even though the makers have agreed to call it "Pong Toss" and remove all references to alcohol, the oversensitive babies still want the game to be rated "M" for mature.

Girls, Girls, Girls

I think Chase and I can expect a few visits from Master Bates in the coming years, maybe to play catch, maybe to wrestle, because his house is going to be overrun with females.
Mrs. Bates is pregnant and the Bates clan is adding a new little girl to their brood in December.
Cayla is ecstatic to have a baby sister as she looks forward to making bottles, changing diapers, wiping tushies and applying butt paste.
We're all thrilled for them as well.

I Want to Be Angry, But I Have to Agree

Belmar, New Jersey Mayor Ken Pringle trashed Staten Island in his newsletter, "The Belmar Summer Rental News."
Belmar is overrun by undesirable visitors from Staten Island, a fact Mr. Mayor obviously isn't too happy about.
Despite the fact that he is insulting my homeland I have to agree with all of his assessments and applaud his sense of humor.

SI Girl Behaving Badly
In our never-ending quest to keep our summer renters informed and our wider readership amused, we have culled the Belmar police blotter for items of potential educational value to our readers.
Which brought us to a reported incident earlier this summer in which two women had a spat in (you’ll never guess) D’Jais. Now, if that isn’t shocking enough, hold on to your seat: One of the women was from Staten Island!! (Unbelievable, right? Only one of the women? We thought all of the women in D’Jais are from Staten Island). The other woman was from, of all places, Boonton, NJ, which according to Google maps appears to be a suburb of either Towaco or Hibernia. (We’re guessing the Boonton girl was either in D’Jais on some kind of sick bet, or was practicing for an audition on Survivor. Then again, maybe she just happened by, saw the people on the line out front, and thought, “Cool, a costume party!”).
Anyway, the spat ended the way most fights with SI girls do. The SI woman grabbed the Boonton woman by the hair (we’re told that in Staten Island, this is the female equivalent of a guy kicking another guy in the groin – only without the warm and friendly connotations) – and began punching her face in.
We realize, so far, this is not exactly newsworthy.
Journalistically speaking, “SI woman punches other woman” is right up there with “Dog bites man.” But here’s the twist: As the Staten Island girl was pummeling the Boonton girl’s face, she used the hand she was still holding her drink glass in. Now, we’re not sure if the glass was stuck to her hand cause of all the hair spray or if this is a technique Staten Island girls learn in Brownies, but we are thankful she left her brass knuckles and straight razor in her other purse.
Anyway, after the blood was all mopped up and the Staten Island girl was carted off in handcuffs, the police got around to asking her why she tried to smash the Boonton woman’s face in with the glass.
Her answer was so obvious, the cops must have felt dumb for even asking: “. . .‘cause she got in my face.”

There's also this passage on guidos:
They flock to our shore towns during the warm months, and are as welcome as, oh, Canada Geese. They’re always tanned to the color of coconut shells, and easily identified by their plumage: satin shirts and short skirts on the females; Armani Exchange T-shirts and artfully distressed jeans on the males. The females favor bold hair styles and colorful make-up; the males tend to strut and flex their pumped up
muscles. The call of the Guido is bellowing, and frequently slurred, invariably starting with the sound, “Yo,” followed all too often by some creative variation on an expletive beginning with the letter, “F.”

Product Review: Heineken DraughtKeg

I recently purchased a Heineken DraughtKeg (basically a minikeg) to bring to Hershey for Leary's wedding, so I could drink in my room without the obtrusiveness of a bunch of bottles or cans.
The keg holds 5 liters, roughly equal to 10.5 pints or 14 12-ounce beers.
At a cost of $18.99, that's a pretty good value, especially in contrast to the hotel bar.
It wasn't that big, or that heavy, and fit perfectly in the hotel fridge, which was quite convenient.
I asked The Concierge to tap it for me and here's his review of the product with my thoughts mixed in:

"The Heineken Keg is a fun product, easy enough to use but has room for improvement. The two step tapping of the keg is easy enough but tapping results in a premature discharge of beer."

The Conch prematurely discharged beer all over my sandals.

"Perhaps there is a written warning about this...who reads the directions on how to open a beer though. The pouring feature is a bit counterintuitive because you pull up on the lever instead of pressing down - this is actually the simpliest way to design the keg flow but people enjoy pressing down on a tap. Finally, the pours of beer have a lot of bubbles (foam), almost look like it was pressurized with nitrous oxide rather than CO(2)."

There was a tremendous amount of foam, and not just after the initial tap, each subsequent pour, even days later, was about 25% foam.

"Perhaps the pressure loss from seepage over the time the keg is tapped requires extra gas so that you don't run out. However this feature does make it fun pouring beer directly into your mouth. All said, this is a good product but I prefer ice cold bottles because of the lack of excess foam."

I prefer bottles as well but was happy with the keg because it did stay fresh for days afterwards (I still have some left), it promises to stay fresh for up to 30 days.

I also like the fact that this is more eco-friendly because it has much less packaging than bottles or cans. But I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to discard the keg when I'm done. Does it go out with the regular trash?

With the foam being a secondary issue for me, my biggest complaint was that the keg leaks. The small hose through which the beer is dispensed always held a few drops after each pour and despite my best efforts to shake, tap and wipe those drops away I still found a small puddle of beer on my refrigerator shelf.

The biggest thing the keg has going for it is novelty, so I'd recommend buying it once, and deciding for yourself.

Beer Pong Princess

Miss Washington Elyse Umemoto is the latest beauty queen to be "shocked," "saddened" and "deeply hurt" by some slutty pictures of her that came out after she gained a little bit of fame.
But I think Umemoto should be proud of these pictures, especially the one showing her playing beer pong in her crown and evening gown, presumably right after a pageant.

JibJab's New Election Video

JibJab's new "Time for Some Campaignin'" with a special surprise at the end.

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Don't Disrespect B-Dubbs

Hack comedian Andy Dick perpetrated a horrible attack on the good name of Buffalo Wild Wings.
Dick grabbed a 17-year-old girl and pulled down her tank top and bra, exposing her breasts.
Police were called and she picked Dick out of a hastily arranged curbside lineup.
When cops searched him they found him with Xanax and pot.
Hopefully they'll lock him up for a good long time.

On a Rampage

Losing his light heavyweight belt to Forrest Griffin is now the least of Quinton "Rampage" Jackson's problems.
Rampage was arrested after driving like a madman on Highway 55 in Orange County, California.
He reportedly hit two cars, drove on the median then went up on the sidewalk where pedestrians were walking.
At least one cop tried to stop him but he kept driving, through red lights, until he went the wrong way down a one-way street before he finally gave up.
He was arrested at gunpoint and charged with felony evading, hit-and-run and reckless driving.
And the best part, he did all of this in a truck with his picture on the side.

Bloody Mess

UFC 86 will be remembered as the night Forrest Griffin chopped down Rampage Jackson.

But the undercard featured Josh Koscheck bloodying Chris Lytle like I've never seen a man get bloodied before.




The cut was so ridiculous that I think Joe Rogan called it a goat's vagina. It wasn't quite clear because that idiot Mike Goldberg was stepping on what Rogan was saying, but I think Rogan was actually referring to this cut on Marvin Eastman, the original goat's vagina.



Josh Koscheck wrestled collegiately at Edinboro were Josh was involved with the wrestling program. I know that Josh loves Kos because of this.

Song of the Week

"Homeward Bound" - Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel
I'm glad to finally be homeward bound.
I love these old performances, if you can even call them that. It's amazing that they just stood there (Simon sat) and sang their song and people liked it. Now you can't have a performer with any fewer than 30 dancers, 10 backup singers, 3 hype men and a smoke machine.
Also please notice that even when they were young, Simon and Garfunkel looked old.

Never Doubt the Universe

Master Bates clearly doubted the powers of the Universe and chalked up the whole Mark Feinsand incident to mere coincidence.
I insisted a more powerful force was at work here but when we didn't run into Feinsand at the Blue Jays game, Master Bates took that as proof the Universe has no special powers.
The latest turn in this saga has him believing that maybe something more powerful than he cares to admit is in fact puppeteering us all.
Mark Feinsand was doing some googling (maybe he searched "yankees blue jays" or maybe "Mark Feinsand" or maybe "masterbates + poop" but somehow he stumbled across my earlier post.
He contacted the Master through Facebook which was great to prove my theories about the Universe, but did nothing to prove my theories about John Sterling.
Feinsand wrote "Sadly, I can't confirm the Sterling story, as I'm typically in the clubhouse when the broadcasters are eating dinner."
So after all this, we still don't know whether it's safe to eat the ice cream in the press box at Yankee Stadium. I'd stay away, just to be safe.

Happy Recap: Blue Jays 5 Yankees 0

In baseball when one pitcher pitches all 9 innings (and the game is not tied) or 8 innings (if his team is losing on the road) it is called a complete game. I say this because what was once commonplace (Bob Gibson threw 28 complete games in 1968) is increasinly rare in baseball today.

But there is one pitcher who still pitches like it is the 1960s, and I was lucky enough to see him pitch.

Roy Halladay mowed through the Yankees to pitch a 2-hit complete game shutout as the Blue Jays won 5-0. It was Halladay's 7th complete game of the season, more than any other team in baseball about roughly 10% of the total of all pitchers this season.



Halladay is now 12-5 with a 2.88 ERA in 27 career starts against the Yankees. This was his second career shutout against them.

Joba Chamberlain pitched for the Yankees and was better than his line indicated. He allowed 3 runs for the second straight start, the most he's ever allowed in a game for his young career. But he struck out 9 and walked zero and his strikes to balls ratio was an impressive 78 to 29. He got a little unlucky on a bunt hit in the third, but allowed a couple other hits which led to two runs and he allowed a home to Rod Barajas in the 6th, but other than that I was very impressed with Joba.



There was a guy seated across the aisle from me in a Brazil soccer jersey (Kaka, Mrs. Poop's favorite international soccer star) and waving a Brazilian flag. He was most enthusiastic after Barajas's homer. But Barajas is from California. Maybe he is of Brazilian descent, but everywhere I looked it said Barajas was born in California.

The Blue Jays tacked on two more runs in the 8th on a homer by Matt Stairs. Stairs is now second all-time in games played by a player born in Canada. Before I even asked Master Bates knew that first in that category is Larry Walker. But he now leads Stairs by only 373 games, meaning 2 more years after this one and Stairs could pass him.

Blue Jays fans gave A-Rod a pretty hard time, booing him relentlessly and holding up pictures of Madonna.



Our seats were in the second row of the second deck in fair territory in right field. Nice seats to watch the game from since the whole field is in front of you, except the right field corner. Since Shea Stadium has very few seats in fair territory it was nice to get a different perspective. We saw a nice catch in right field as Joe Inglett took off from right in front of us and made a diving catch to rob Melky Cabrera of a hit.

There was another great defensive play made by the Blue Jays. On a groundball up the middle by Wilson Betemit second baseman Marco Scutaro ranged far to his right to grab the ball but realized he wouldn't be able to throw to first in time. So he flipped with his glove hand to the shortstop John McDonald who caught the flip and fired to first for the out. It's the first play in the video highlights here.

Rogers Centre (formerly SkyDome) has the teams in the opposite dugouts compared to most stadiums. The Blue Jays sit in the 3rd base dugout, the visiting team uses the first base side.

The Blue Jays do Flashback Fridays every week, wearing those great old school light blue jerseys with the old bird logo. I actually brought my Cecil Fielder 1987 Blue Jays jersey, but elected to wear my Roy Halladay jersey t-shirt instead, since he was pitching.



The Blue Jays have one of those stadium hosts who goes in the crowd and screams during the game and between innings. I hated him.

I ate a delicious bag of popcorn, a decent hot dog (Shea's are better) but in the 8th inning a guy came around with Freezees. The generic name for them is freeze pops, it's basically flavored sugar water in a sealed pouch that you freeze and eat and it's really delicious. The ones they sold all the ballpark were much bigger than what you normally see at the store, probably a foot long, and cost only $2 (approximately $1.94 American), pretty good for a ballpark snack. I had an orange one.

Even though I've been to the ersatz Dome a couple times, my last visit hadn't been for several years, so I'm glad I went and I enjoyed this masterpiece by Halladay.

Time of game: 2 hours 21 minutes

Master Bates is a Miserable Failure

I'm always going on about the strange powers the Universe has to bring us exactly what I need.
But even I was surprised to learn just how powerful the Universe really is.
Two days ago I wondered about the veracity of a NY Post story which reported John Sterling sticks his fingers in the ice cream in the press box at Yankee Stadium.
I said "I think Master Bates should contact his old camp buddy, Yankees beat writer Mark Feinsand, and get the truth of this matter."
Amazingly, as the Master was flying to Toronto for the wedding, Mark Feinsand got on the same plane as he was flying to Toronto to cover the Yankees series against the Blue Jays.
Master Bates said hello to him and they chatted briefly (they hadn't seen each other in person for at least 10 years prior to this, though they are Facebook friends), but he NEVER asked him about John Sterling!!!!!
What a waste of that which the Universe did for us.

Hot Chips Gets Heated, Goes on a Heater

I've been following the World Series of Poker online very closely but decided this year I would offer no spoilers, except for this:

Heading into Day 3 (after 4 Day 1s and 2 Day 2s) my favorite female poker player, Tiffany "Hot Chips" Michelle is still alive, and doing quite well.



She had a nice sized stack at the beginning of Day 2, but ran into some bad luck. Here's how PokerNews.com (for which she is an on-camera hostess) described the action:

"That Ain't Right
Tiffany Michelle just suffered a big beat. After an opponent raised to 2,000 preflop and Tony Antonious called, Michelle reraised to 10,000. The original raiser folded, but Antonious, who has already been given an "excessive celebration" warning, made the call.

The flop came down 2h, 7h, 10h. Antonious led out for 16,000, prompting Michelle to quickly push all in. Antonious called for less, a total of 65,000.

Antonious: Qc 10h
Michelle: Ad As

Antonious didn't have to sweat long -- the turn was the 10d and the river fell Qc to make a full house, tens full of queens, for Antonious. Michelle was described as "fuming," asking Antonious questions like, "How could you call?" When Antonious pointed out his flush draw, Michelle responded that she made it 10,000 preflop. Antonious responded by showing a photo of his house in Florida and suggesting they should both go fishing after the tournament was over.

We doubt that will happen. Michelle is still in the tournament with 24,000 chips, while Antonious now has 190,000."

Shortly after that beat Michelle slipped to a low of 8,800 and apparently stayed mad. She reported said "justice!" when Antonius took a bad beat a few hours later. She stayed between 20,000 (the starting stack size) and 40,000 for most of the day. But late in the evening she caught a couple big hands and is taking 120,000 chips (a slightly above average stack) into Day 3.

I'd love to see her make an even deeper run and get a lot of ESPN camera time. And it would be even cooler to see her at the final table which is in November.

Song of the Week

"Spend My Life With You" - Eric Benet and Tamia
The first dance for JLeary and his new bride.

Only Suzyn Waldman Knows Where Those Fingers Have Been

This comes from the New York Post's Page 6 (so it's probably not true) but it was just so funny I had to post it:

YANKEES radio announcer John Sterling is being called out for foul behavior in the stadium's press dining room. "Sterling has made a habit of walking over to the dessert table and dipping his finger into the ice cream barrel," one stadium worker told us, adding that the play-by-play vet has also used the same tablespoon to repeatedly take samples. During the Boston series, "He wandered over to the cake and pie section, broke off a piece of a cake slice, ate it and wiped his grimy hands on the linen tablecloth, leaving the remainder of the slice for someone else to eat - which indeed happened," our spy continued. A rep for WCBS Radio declined to comment, and a team spokesman said the Yankees "know nothing about it."

That really is disgusting behavior and if he's been doing that his whole career I can't imagine that another one of those grubby press types hasn't called him on it.

I think Master Bates should contact his old camp buddy, Yankees beat writer Mark Feinsand, and get the truth of this matter.

You're All Winners

Beachwood, Ohio canceled its Little League All-Star game for 9 to 12 year olds because it didn't want any kids to be left out
Fred Engh made the decision saying kids that young don't really care about achievements, they just play to have fun.
I can't even describe how much shit like this irritates me.
This decision is short sighted because it's only protecting the meek. The losers who play rightfield and strike out every time don't miss out on being named All-Stars but they still know they suck.
Why doesn't the kid who practices and works hard deserve recognition for his efforts?
I think the best way to help kids is to explain to them that everybody is good at something. Some kids are good at baseball, some aren't. If you're not good, you should still play, have fun and work hard to get better and maybe you can become an All-Star one day.

Houseguest

If you a friend with whom you would trust to host another friend of yours traveling to his city, that friend would be Freedo.
If you had a friend who you wouldn't dare suggest stay with another friend of yours, that friend would be Juice.
But despite reservations that Freedo might never talk to him again, Nails sicced Juice on Freedo and Amber this weekend.

Here's Freedo's version of how it went down:

"He arrived Saturday morning in a blaze of glory and departed Sunday evening via red-eye back to the Big Apple just as quickly as he entered our town. After a quick meal at Little Anita’s for some New Mexican food, he enjoyed the sights and sounds of the Cherry Creek Arts Festival. We then departed to show him what true baseball is all about, Coors Field and the Colorado Rockies. His one wish was to get some Rocky Mountain Oysters...cow testicles fried up Rocky Mountain Style!!!





They actually serve them at the Park, and I tried some for the first time (not bad actually). I’ve learned that up north near Fort Collins there is a place called Don’s Bar where they are world famous and have all-you-can-eat Sunday rocky mountain oysters. We had awesome seats 6 rows on top of Rockies dugout and it was a great game (12-6 Rox – Holliday 440 foot bomb to center sealed the deal).




We missed a foul ball by inches because I had a beer in my hand and Juice had slow reaction time. On Sunday we spent almost 5 hours watching the Wimbledon final. I had to endure the stress of Juice as he paced my basement trying to will his boy RodgeFed to victory, only to see Rafa Nadal win one of the greatest tennis matches of all time. He went to a wedding in Boulder on Sunday before heading back to the Big Apple via Jet Blue at 12:55AM. I’m sure he is dying right now at his desk reading this.

All I can tell you is we had an awesome time."

And Amber's version:

"It was memorable!! Crazy Justin definitely lived up to his name. I was shocked and awed by Crazy Justin on numerous occasions, the most being when he ate fried cow balls at the Rockies Game. The Rocky Mountain Oysters were DISGUSTING and some substance began oozing out of them as he ate them."

I asked Juice to respond and all he said was "you can just add was how beautiful their house is and how great hosts they are. Also, that I encourage anyone who has the opportunity to pay them a visit to do so."

Taken to the Cleaners

There are certain things in life that you don't mind paying a lot of money for. Then there are other things, that cost way less in dollars, but for some reason irritate you a lot more. The most overpriced thing in the world as far as I'm concerned is dry cleaning.

I just dropped off my tuxedo at the cleaners, and they charged me $14.70 to launder it.

That seems outrageous to me.

I'm sure at this point I've spent more money cleaning the tux, than I did buying it.

It might be more cost effective for me to buy a tux, wear it 6 or 8 times, then throw it away and get a brand new one.

Why does dry cleaning cost so much? Does anyone else think that's an exorbitant sum to pay someone to do your laundry?

Pesto Is...

What do you think of pesto?

Life Changed a Lot in a Year

Diesel in Maine in 2007:



Diesel in Maine in 2008:

ANOTHER teacher has sex with a youngin

OMAHA, Neb. - A former teacher pleaded guilty Wednesday to fleeing to Mexico with a 13-year-old student so she could have sex with him. Her plea was part of a deal to ensure she'll spend less than a decade in federal prison.

Full story here


(AP Photo)


Once again, I can't help but ask myself...."where the hell were teachers like this when I was in the 7th-8th grade?!?!" In this case, she's not exactly attractive, but hey, better than nothing at that age.

Song Of The Week

While Poop is gone, I'm at the wheel. This week's SOTW:
"Handlebars" - Flobots
I'll put it in the category of "hey, this makes no sense....wait a second, that's pretty damn deep"

This is the song only:


This is the actual video, which is pretty trippy.

More of these guys:

Baseball is Poop - Whoa Oh, We're Halfway There Edition

With most teams having played 81 games, now is a good time go back and look at the cool stats of the first half. But first let's hand out some half-season awards.

National League MVP
Lance Berkman
He leads the league in runs and RBI. He's only 2 homers back but he's slugging almost .700 miles ahead of anyone else in the league. The only problem is, the Astros are 10 games back. But if he goes 135-135 with 40 homers and an OPS above 1.100, he's the MVP.
If I had a second choice it would be Dan Uggla, given the overachieving record of his team, coupled with the lack of other strong performers (other than Ramirez) in his lineup.

American League MVP
Josh Hamilton
This one's a no-brainer. He's leading the league in homers and RBIs but maybe the surprising nature of his season is what has me. Despite being on pace for 37 homers and 152 RBI the case could be made against him.
If I had a second place vote it would go to his teammate Milton Bradley who leads the AL in batting, on base and slugging.

National League Cy Young
Edinson Volquez
He leads NL starters in ERA, hits per 9 and Ks per 9. He gives up too many walks but that's about all you can say.
Tim Lincecum was a very close second but he had 2 bad starts to only 1 bad one by Volquez. I'm giving Volquez a freebie for his relief appearance which resulted in a loss and Lincecum's game where he gave up 4 unearned runs but was let off the hook.

American League Cy Young
Justin Duchsherer
This choice may surprise some people who only look at won-loss record to evaluate a pitcher. Record is one tool to judge pitchers, but it's about 5th or 6th on the list. ERA is number one, and he leads the league by half a run. I also look at the performance on a start by start basis and he has allowed more than 2 earned runs in only 1 game. He did allow 6 runs (5 unearned) in one start, but the A's won that game so we'll give him a pass. He missed three starts due to injury and was held to a pitch count in others, explaining his low win and innings and strikeout totals. Although his Ks per 9 is weak no matter what. But you can truly discount his 5 losses because his ERA is 2.64 in those games.
Cliff Lee is a clear second choice, but he's had 3 really poor games, so I couldn't justify selecting him over another pitcher with zero, just because he has 3 more wins and 4 fewer losses.

National League Rookie of the Year
Geovany Soto
He's on pace for 25 homers and 90 RBI which are excellent numbers for any rookie or any catcher, but great numbers for a rookie catcher.
The retarded sportswriters will probably give it to Soto's teammate Fukudome just because he gets more press but Soto leads him in OPS by a decent margin and for him to do what he's doing as a catcher is doubly impressive.
As a matter of fact, I'd put Fukudome 4th on my list, behind Jair Jurrgens and Joey Votto.

Note: Edinson Volquez pitched in 20 games over the 2005, 2006 and 2007 season and is not considered a rookie.

American League Rookie of the Year
Evan Longoria
Any rookie who hits 30 home runs is almost a shoo-in. His batting and on-base are a little low but his slugging is excellent and his OPS is very good. If he picks up the pace a little, he'll be a 30 homer 100 RBI man, that'll definitely win him the rookie of the year award.
David Murphy should be second, not Jacoby Ellsbury. Armando Galarraga is a dark horse.

Feelin' Chipper
Now that Chipper Jones has fallen to .394 it doesn't seem like he has a chance at .400. But if these injuries keep his at bat total low, he could make a late run at it if he gets hot.

Anks for the Memories
Unheraled rhyming pitchers Josh Banks and John Danks are quietly having good seasons. Danks is only 5-4 but has a 2.64 ERA for the White Sox. He's only had 2 bad starts and gotten no decision in 2 games in which he didn't allow a run.
Banks allowed only 1 earned run in his first 4 games (23 innings) and since then has slowed down, but he's still got a 2.33 ERA and a 2-2 record.

El Savior
Francisco Rodriguez is on pace to save 63 games, giving him some cushion to slow down and still break Bobby Thigpen's record of 57.

If the Playoffs Started Today
The Tampa Bay Rays would have the best record in the majors and face the White Sox in the first round. The Red Sox would play the Angels.
The Cubs have the best record in the NL and would play the .500 Diamondbacks. That would leave the Phillies to play the Cardinals.

Run Differential Says
Judging by runs scored vs. runs allowed (a very flawed way of looking at things) and using it as a predictor (because it does tend to indicate which teams are winning close games, something that in theory should even out), the Blue Jays, Braves and Indians will do better in the second half. The Marlins and possibly the Twins are playing above their heads and could fall.

Roar
And watch out for the Tigers. They started off impossibly slowly with that horribly up and down offense, pounding people one day and getting shut out the next. But they appear ready to turn it around and fulfill those preseason predictions of greatness.

Predictions Redux
I like the Angels against the Cubs in the World Series with the Angels winning it all.