If Anyone Can Make Doug Gottlieb Tolerable

Doug Gottlieb, former Oklahoma State point guard, full-time Syracuse hater is in love with the sound of his own voice. Which means he probably loves his new show, "Lead Off" on CBS Sports Network. Basic premise: the host throws out a topic and Gottlieb rants on it for about a minute. Sounds terrible, right?
But the host, is Allie LaForce, the incredibly hot, incredibly young (24) former Miss Teen USA.
I watched one episode of this show and it seemed ok. Gottlieb is tolerable in small doses and LaForce is not just hot, she has some good things to say. The show definitely has potential, especially if LaForce develops more of her own voice to combat Gottlieb, the way Michelle Beadle became beloved for shutting down that dweeb Colin Cowherd on SportsNation.

WARNING: LaForce was only 15 in this bikini picture!

One disturbing thing about Allie LaForce though: she is fucking Joe Smith. Not the cool Joe Smith, from the University of Maryland. The mediocre Joe Smith who used to pitch for the Mets and now plays for the Cleveland Indians. One time Smith got into a tussle at a bar, and LaForce's relative (brother?) ended up getting handcuffed as a result. And she's still with him. Smith will make $3m this season which I'm sure is a turn-on for a girl like LaForce, though if this show takes off she'll be able to buy her own red-soled shoes. Not sure why she needs this junkballer in her life but maybe what they have is real.

The Judge Has a Grudge

Obnoxious teenager Penelope Soto was picked up by the cops in Miami when she crashed her bike while high on Xanax. Police discovered 26 more Xanax pills or "bars" as they are called on the street. She appeared in front of the judge at a bail hearing.



Awesome!
I totally agree with Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat for smacking this young punk down. She was not being serious, or respectful.
"It's worth a lot of money" "Like what" "Like Rick Ross."
He should have held her in contempt after that answer.
But then the "adios" and finally the "fuck you."
Hopefully this dumb slut will use her 30 days in the hoosegaw to reflect on her behavior and come out a rehabilitated young lady.

When Everyone's Wrong, No One is Right

A 31-point blowout win in the NBA normally doesn’t garner much attention but the Rockets-Warriors game was so interesting it merits discussion. The Rockets had a great night, nailing a bunch of 3s, until they tied the NBA record with 23 3-points, with 3:41 left in the game. After that, Houston tried several more attempts to get the record. Eventually, Mark Jackson ordered the Warriors to foul Houston, so they couldn’t get a 3-pointer off. Draymond Green fouled Patrick Beverly so hard he got a flagrant foul, started a fight and got ejected. But the Rockets didn’t get that 24th 3-pointer. I think both teams are wrong here. First, records and accomplishments achieved outside of the normal flow of the game are not real records. Famous examples include: Ricky's Davis's triple-double, Nykesha Sales hobbling on court on crutches, Brett Favre taking a dive for Michael Strahan or Grinnell college feeding Jack Taylor over and over until he scores 138 points. Those accomplishments are hollow and I think those teams and players are wrong to pursue them in that way. But if your opponent is doing something like that, or running up the score, or doing an annoying touchdown celebration, the answer is: stop them! Don't resort to physical or dirty play, stop them. You don't like what they do when they score, don't let them score. I will not choose sides in this one because I think both teams are wrong here.

A Bad Angle

A photo is making the rounds on the internet, purporting to show Justin Bieber grabbing the breast of a young fan.

As Mrs. Poop can attest, this is not a boob grab just a picture taken from an unfortunate angle at an unfortunate time. He was pulling his hand away from a hug and the picture was snapped. I'm sure there's a inch or two between his hand and her boob, but you just cannot tell from this angle.

What I Should Have Said Theater

Where was Steve Tasker when the lights went out? In the dark.
CBS did a horrible job updating the fans throughout the entire blackout, but none worse than Steve Tasker, who despite being a television reporter, couldn't coherently report what was going on.
Remember, fans at home saw the lights go out, then 30 seconds or so of ambient crowd noise, then a commercial. We knew nothing, and they came back to Tasker who said "welcome back to New Orleans, I'm Steve Tasker sideline reporter for the uh, Super Bowl 47, if you're expecting to hear our friend Jim Nantz it may be a moment before he gets on. Half the power in New Orleans Stadium, the Superdome here, almost a perfect semicircle of the lights, half the stadium, went out, the scoreboard is also not working as well."

Here's what Steve Tasker should have said:
"I'm Steve Tasker, there has been a power failure at the Superdome. Half the lights are out. There is no power in our broadcast booth where Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are. There are enough lights still on, so no one is panicking. We do not know what caused this, and we do not know how long it will take to fix it. Both teams are just milling around wondering when they will be able to resume play."

Granted, I have the benefit of time, he didn't, but a reporter should always say his most important thing in his first sentence. If he practiced that enough, it would become habit. The first thing he said should have been about the blackout or the lights going out, not about the Superdome and our friend Jim Nantz.

Song of the Week

"Kill Fuck Marry" - Nikki Williams
This is an incredibly weird song, not even particularly good. Obvious they picked the title, knew it would get attention, and then wrote the song around it.

The Super Bowl is Poop

Another Great Game
I feel like I have written this every single year but this was another exciting Super Bowl. I guess I am going to have to let go of the fact that nearly every Super Bowl for the first 20 years of my viewing experience was a blowout. Starting with Rams-Titans, practically every game since then has at least been tense and fun to watch. Now I wouldn’t classify this game as great, not in the class of Giants-Patriots I or Steelers-Cardinals, but it certainly was a lot of fun and a game we will all remember for a long time.

No Such Thing as Momentum
The most popular thing to talk about surrounding this game seems to be how the 49ers were suddenly given a tremendous lift by the unexpected 34-minute blackout delay. The poor Ravens who were dominating the game until that point suddenly lost focus and never regained it. It’s bullshit. Thank god the 9ers didn’t win so we don’t have to listen to this crap for all eternity. Did the long halftime show not give the 49ers a boost? That big pause in the game certainly didn’t help them on the opening kickoff when the Ravens, robbed of their momentum, were still able to muster a kickoff return for a touchdown. And then when the lights came back on, the 49ers failed to convert a 3rd and 13. Momentum didn't help them there. The 49ers came back because they are a good team, and they have fallen behind and come back before. They made plays, nothing to do with the blackout.

Controversial Calls
There were a number of controversial calls by officials and coaches in this game that are worth examining.
Michael Crabtree was clearly held/interfered with on that 4th down pass from the 5-yard line late in the game. I guess there is a new rule, The Golden (Tate) Rule, when officials stop calling penalties late in close games at key situations. Obvious penalty, horrible no-call.

There was also a horrible no ejection when the Ravens Cary Williams blatantly shoved an official.

And how about the horrible call for running into the kicker? David Akers missed the kick, saw a guy behind him and flopped. He was falling even before he was touched. The officials bailed him out and gave Akers another shot, which he made.

John Harbaugh made the right move going for the safety at the end of the game. I also like his fake punt early in the game. It didn't work out but if it had it would have been a dagger in the 49ers back. And the risk wasn't all that great, it still pinned the 9ers deep.
Jim Harbaugh made a questionable decision going for 2 with 10 minutes left. Normally I would say kick and be down by 1 in the first three quarters, but the first part of the 4th quarter is a real gray area. A good case could be made either way.
Jim's biggest failing was the play-calling on that late sequence when the 9ers came up short. With time only a small factor I would have tried a Kaepernick designed run, a draw, to at least get the ball a little closer, if not score the TD.

The voters also made a questionable decision giving the MVP award to Joe Flacco over Jacoby Jones. If it had been a most outstanding player, or most spectacular, Jones would have gotten it, but because of value, the way Flacco controlled the game earned him the award.

A Crazy Game for Box Pools
Almost every Super Bowl spectator participates in some kind of box pool. And I never remember as much intrigue involving the numbers that were seemingly locked up, then ripped away. Obviously the decision to take the safety at game's end stole thousands of dollars from people with 4, 9.
Those of us with 8, 0 got screwed at the end of the 3rd when David Akers was given a re-kick with 3 minutes to go. That might not have mattered had Ray Rice not fumbled a minute earlier. If he holds onto that ball, even if Ravens had to punt, any other 3rd quarter scoring play was unlikely.
The half ended with a FG to give the money to those who held 1, 6, but that wasn't really an unusual or unfair play. Not like the one that happened a few minutes earlier, the aforementioned fake punt, though it came with lots of time to play, it certainly affected the outcome of those crazy box pools.

Joe Millionaire
Joe Flacco picked a pretty good time to have the best postseason for any quarterback in history. He's a free agent and likely to get a long-term deal with average annual salaries of $20M. The guy is not a great regular season quarterback, he's very good but has never had more than 25 TDs or fewer than 10 interceptions. He's not in the class of Peyton Manning, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers. But now all four of these quarterbacks have exactly one Super Bowl ring. Flacco has won at least one playoff game in all 5 of his NFL seasons. With Ray Lewis retiring (he says) and Ed Reed leaving (possibly), the defense may be weakened to the point where the Ravens offense will have to produce even more. But now they know they have a quarterback who can perform well enough to win the Super Bowl. And that's why they're going to lock him up for big money.

The End of the Road
The career and personal life of Ray Lewis is complicated and varied. Yes, he was involved in a horrible incident, but there's no reason to believe he did anything other than aid his friends, which on its face isn't that bad, except when you realize he helped them avoid apprehension for a murder. But since then, he has been an exemplary character, a great player and a good ambassador for the league. He may have taken a questionable substance so he could more quickly return to health for this "last ride" but that remains to be seen. I will always remember Lewis as a great player, a dominant linebacker and a fun player to watch and listen to.

Super Bowl Ads

I thought this was a pretty weak crop this year. No real standout laugh out loud funny ones.

"Brotherhood" - Budweiser
They always have a good Clydesdales ad, this one was really sweet.



"Miracle Stain" - Tide
I love this satire of the dumbest thing in American culture in the last 10 years, the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. "Stain on a stick!"



"Fashionista Daddy" - Doritos
Fathers who have daughters can relate to this one.



"Whole Again" - Jeep
Narrated by Oprah Winfrey, a pretty nice ad.



"Space Babies" - Kia
Pretty funny description of where babies come from.



"Goat 4 Sale" - Doritos



"Deion Sanders Returns" - NFL
Leon Sandcastle



"Prom" - Audi
It was totally worth it.



"Viva Young" - Taco Bell
"Nosotros somos jovenes." I guess the song really was in Spanish. I didn't pick this up the first time.



"Get Happy" - VW
The only borderline racist commercial in this year's Super Bowl. I didn't find it offensive, actually found it mildly amusing, but not necessarily a great ad for VW. "Respect bossman!"



"Big Kiss" - Go Daddy
I read where they had to do 65 takes of this.

Weekly Picks

Ending a horrible season on something of a positive note. When I started doing these picks every week they really were golden. But the last few seasons have been horrible. And I have thought about giving up, but being bad isn't a reason to quit. So I guarantee I will be back with this feature every week next season.

San Francisco -4 1/2 Baltimore
I am actually quite nervous about this because I am predicting scores like 21-17, 20-16, 23-20, something in there. But if I'm going to err a little bit, I'll err on the side of the 9ers winning this a little bit bigger. So 21-16 is my official score prediction.

Last Week: 1-1 (2 points)
Season: 43-52 (35 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (6-14)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (15-23)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (6-4)
Road Favorites: 1-0 (12-15)
Road Underdogs: 0-0 (10-10)

Super Bowl Prop Bets

This is always a fun post to do, check out the props and pick some of your own in the comments section.

MVP: Colin Kaepernick 8/5
I think the 49ers are going to win the game and if they do there is a very good chance Kaepernick will win the MVP. Even if the defense dominates, it’s unlikely there will be one standout. And by default the idiots who pick these things will go with the quarterback on the winning team.

First Player to score a TD: Anquan Boldin 17/2, Torrey Smith 17/2
I think these are pretty long odds, for these guys. I know running backs are always surer things but I’ll take both of them and see what happens.

Longest Reception – Torrey Smith: Over 28 ½ yards (-125)
I know the Ravens are at least going to try to go downfield to Smith. 29 yards doesn’t seem that long to me.

Total Tackles and Assists - Ray Lewis: Under 11 1/2 (+105)
That's a lot of tackles. In order for this to happen the 49ers would have to be running the ball up the middle a lot.

Total Rushing Yards - Colin Kaepernick: Over 50 1/2 (-115)
He had a huge game against the Packers, and barely ran against the Falcons. This is a tricky number because he will probably have to break one long one (20+) to get there, but I say he will.

Will Michael Crabtree score a touchdown: No (-115)
I feel this is going to be a low scoring game, with more of the focus on the 49ers running game. Sure it's possible Crab will grab one, but at nearly even odds, no looks like a good bet.

Who will have more receiving yards? Torrey Smith +12 1/2 Michael Crabtree (-115)
Maybe I'm mistaken here but I see the Ravens throwing the ball a little more often, and going deep more often. One big one for Smith makes this a good bet.

LeBron James Rebounds & Assists -3 1/2 Ray Lewis Tackles and Assists (-120)
Again this is a play on Lewis having only about 8 or 9 tackles. LeBron could easily mess around and get a triple double against the Raptors.

Blake Griffin Points and Rebounds pick'em Ray Rice receiving yards (-115)
I'm looking at 25 easy for Griffin and there's a good chance Rice only gets one or two short receptions.

How long will it take Alicia Keys to sing the National Anthem? Under 2:10 (-160)
It's actually a very short song and even the long drawn out versions seldom last more than 2 minutes. I think this line is easily exploitable.

Will Beyonce be joined by Jay Z on Stage during the Super Bowl Half Time Show? Yes (-105)
I have read that Jay-Z is going to be there and requested $5,000 worth of booze for his dressing room. I also read that Beyonce demanded that Blue Ivy's $20,000 crib be shipped from New York and that a room for her be kept at 78.8 degrees and filled with rose-scented candles. But if he's going to be there, he might as well do "Crazy in Love."

How many times will Jack Harbaugh be shown on TV? Under 2 1/2 (+135)
I've been following props like this for some time and seems like the Super Bowl production teams just don't do this as much as we think they would. Now, if one of the quarterbacks were dating Katherine Webb, that would be a different story.

How long will the post game handshake/hug last between Jim & John Harbaugh? Over 6 seconds (-120)
This is a no-brainer. It starts from the moment they touch until the moment they release. So if they handshake, hug, then break while still holding, they could easily break 10 seconds.

What Color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? Red 13/2
I am thinking the 49ers are going to win, so I'll hope some clever 49ers sideline guy will have a bucket full of Red gatorade.

Darren Rovell tweets on Super Bowl Sunday? Over 104 1/2 (-115)
Not sure if you follow him but Rovell is the most prolific narcissist on Twitter. He might even do 200.

This is How You Do Local News

I have a lot of respect for local news reporters who go out in the field everyday and report, often with morons, trying to get into their shots to be on TV. We've seen reporters insult and even assault these morons, but nothing beats what Jessica Sanchez did to this moron on Bourbon Street.



"So how long have you had an STD?"
Brilliant!

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted

Sharon Osgood wired $5,900 to a man in Florida in exchange for 4 Super Bowl tickets.
Instead she got an envelope with a piece of paper with a picture of both Super Bowl quarterbacks on it. The message underneath read: "Enjoy the game!!!! Go Ravens!!! LOL."
I'm sorry Osgood got robbed (and it is a crime) but I don't really feel badly for her because she should have fuckin better known better.
1) She bought them on Craiglist
2) She was asked to wire the money
3) The seller lived in Florida but claimed to be a Ravens season ticket holder
4) The seller couldn't go to the game because his wife is 8 months pregnant
All of those things combined should have made it a dead giveaway that this was a scam. To make matters worse, this moron is now getting rewarded for being such a dupe. The CEO of Ticketmaster is giving her 4 tickets. That's a very bad message to send, be a moron, don't worry if you get scammed, just get some media attention for your plight and someone will pity you.
I say let Mrs. Osgood and all other fools out there learn this lesson the hard way. Tough love.

Maybe We Can Sweep Together

A funny trend that started on a brilliant episode of Seinfeld, "The Lip Reader," has now become an internet sensation.

It's called "Bad Lip Reading." The NFL version is hilarious



The spoof of Beyonce's Inauguration performance, entitled "La Fway" was also amusing, if a little bit too long.

Song of the Week

"Thrift Shop" - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
A very odd song, certainly not the highest quality musically or lyrically. But it's unique, and I like that it mocks our societal ill of placing value on expensive clothes.

Giselle In Training

Last year after the Super Bowl the hottest Patriot wife, Giselle, popped off angrily about the other Patriots, including Wes Welker, being unable to catch the ball.
After the AFC Championship game this year, it was the second hottest Patriot wife, Anna Burns Welker who ran her mouth off on Facebook:

"Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis' Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay. What a hall of fame player! A true role model!"

She later apologized but Ray Lewis responded anyway, using a Bible verse of course, but not the one about the weapon. "Even a fool is counted wise until he opens his mouth."

But as far as I am concerned Mrs. Welker can do wrong. But, those aren't brains:

I Wish Lenny Dykstra Were My Dad

The Poop's favorite actress, Jamie-Lynn Sigler is now engaged, to Cutter Dykstra, son of Lenny Dykstra, the man they call nails on the Mets ballclub.
She is 31 and on the hysterical new NBC sitcom, "Guys With Kids."
He is 23 and in the minor leagues for the Washington Nationals.
The groom's father is currently in prison but will hopefully be out in time for the wedding.

Here's the picture the couple posted on Twitter to announce their engagement:

Chris Brown Should Be Locked Up

Chris Brown obviously hasn't learned any kind of lesson from the ass-kicking he gave Rihanna. His latest violent incident victimized someone who can actually sing, Poop favorite, Frank Ocean.
Details are sketchy at this point but it seems they argued over a parking space at a recording studio in Los Angeles. Entourages got involved and Brown reportedly punched Ocean in the face.
Brown didn't stick around long enough for the cops to arrive, which is why Ocean is being reported as the victim.
Brown's entourage says Ocean started it by talking shit and blocking in Brown's car. They also probably think Rihanna was asking for it.
But I actually hope it did happen that way. I would hate to see Brown continuing to be have in an aggressive and violent manner.
And I certainly hope he didn't hurl and homophobic slurs at Ocean, though I wouldn't be surprised.

What Do You Give Me For? The Icing on a Hostess Cupcake and Jack Lew's Signature

Jack Lew will likely be the next Treasury Secretary of the United States, which means his signature would be on all new paper money. Yes, that's his real signature. How much does it look like the icing on one of those delicious cupcakes by Hostess that are temporarily (I hope) not in stores while Hostess is looking for a buyer for its brands.

Take Another Little Piece of My Childhood

Over the years I have often been asked why I became a Redskins fan in a family full of Giants fans. Maybe it was because they were Giants fans. But I know I loved the city of Washington (hate it now), John Riggins and the big offensive lineman known as the Hogs.
But I also know I loved the Hogettes. Now those Redskins fans are hanging up their pig noses and ladies' dresses. They will still come to games, but dressed in jerseys and other licensed team apparel. They will still do their charity work. But the era is over.

Bourn To Run

I can’t believe I have to keep doing this (and maybe I don’t since most, if not all readers of this blog are on board) but it seems the dumb faction of Mets fans (Yankees fans in the wrong colors) are agitating for the Mets to sign Michael Bourn.
Bourn turned down $13m this year to stay with the Braves, so he’ll probably hope to get even more than that per year for a deal of 3 or 4 years.
Bourn is 30 and not even a particularly good player. He is below average offensively. His OPS+ for the last two years was 85 and 99 (100 is league average). He has zero power, and his on-base isn’t even good. He’s never been above .355 which is basically the minimum you could accept from a leadoff hitter.
If the Mets were so desperate for a leadoff hitter they should have kept Jose Reyes. He was a much better offensive player, at a more important position, though not as stellar defensively. His contract was for more years and slightly more money than what Bourn would probably get, but it would carry them to the same age 34 season. The Mets got only a 2nd round pick for Reyes (more on this in a moment). They made the right decision allowing Reyes to leave, now it's time to follow through on that plan.
I understand Bourn's WAR over the past 4 years (4.9, 4.7, 4.1 & 6.4) has been fantastic. Those numbers have been boosted by exceptional fielding and base-running numbers, which I acknowledge are important. But they can be very fickle, fluctuating wildly, and a move to a new park could incite a change in his defensive metrics. Though you would expect a speedy center fielder to be even better in a big park like CitiField.

Michael Bourn's excellent glove could add several wins for the Mets, but they'd still be a 4th place team

Even if you could guarantee Bourn would add 5 wins to the Mets, and they could get 5 wins from other improvements (highly doubtful), that would still make the Mets an 84-win team, good enough for 3rd in the stacked NL East, at best. That's the complicating factor when analyzing the cost and value of wins on the open market. Wins that help a team improve from 70-something wins to the low-80s are of very little additional value. It's those wins that boost a team from the low and mid-80s into the playoffs that bring in additional millions.
Now remember another extenuating circumstance, the Mets would have to surrender their first round pick, the 11th overall in the draft as compensation for signing Bourn. This is a little tricky because the CBA states that for players in Bourn's class who were tendered by their teams the signing team would have to give up its highest pick as compensation, but the top 10 picks are protected. Technically, the Mets pick was 10th overall, but a pick was added because the Pirates didn't sign their pick, bumping the Mets down to #11, thus making it eligible to be forfeited for signing a player such as Bourn. The Mets have petitioned the league to get their pick protected because of this technicality, a challenge they are almost guaranteed to lose. But even if they do win, it would still be unwise.
Forget all the specifics, and look only at the broader picture: we have been here before, tried this strategy and it didn't work, it saddled the team with bad salaries and crippled us for years. Signing expensive free agents, especially ones who are barely above-average players (like Jason Bay) as they start to enter the age where their skills will decline, is a losing proposition. Yes, there's a strong chance the #11 draft pick will never play a single day in the major leagues, but as we have seen the teams that have built through the draft have built through the drafted have strong cores ready to contend for years. Teams that sign big-ticket free agents often end up struggling to get out from under those contracts for years, something I hoped the Mets were starting to get passed.

Send it in Jerome

Today was the 25th anniversary of one of my favorite plays ever, and favorite calls. Jerome Lane of Pittsburgh breaks the backboard with a dunk and Bill Raftery exclaims "Send it in Jerome!"
I was sure I had written previously about this play, but it was kind of buried in an NCAA Tournament thoughts, a couple months after the 23rd anniversary.



This play is so special to me that I wanted to name the child now known as Julian, Jerome. I don't even think I told Mrs. Poop why at first, but once she completely shut me down I think I showed her the clip. Didn't change her mind though.

But I don't think she knows I slipped this past her.

Thanks to JLeary for inspiring me to go back and check exactly what I had previously written about this blessed event.

Cory Booker Saves Freezing Dog With His Bare Hands

Newark Mayor Cory Booker has reached mythical status with his various good deeds including helping save a neighbor from a fire.
He even had help from our beloved BC, burnishing his reputation on Twitter:

Now we can add a new incident to the Mayor’s heroic duties. A WABC reporter in Newark found a dog that had been left outside. She tweeted about the incident and eventually Mayor Booker came by and put the dog in a cop car, and asked the cop to turn up the heat.
The dog’s owners say they were away from the house and Cha Cha somehow got loose. Good thing Mayor Booker was there to save the dog’s life. Just a typical Thursday for the next Senator from New Jersey, when Bob Menendez resigns due to having sex with underage Dominican hookers.

She Knew I Was Going to Write This

As I have mentioned to many of you, the best perk of my new job is free dinner every night. A menu is sent at about 2. The final order is placed at 3:30 and dinner arrives at 5:30. Every day I send Mrs. Poop the menu and if it's something good she says "I hate you" and sometimes offers suggestions. Normally I e-mail her right away with my choices, but one day I was busy and hadn't even had a chance to look at the menu.

A few minutes before 3 she e-mailed:

"What are you getting?"

I responded "I haven’t looked yet, very busy I was hoping you would tell me."

But when I realized it was already past the deadline I looked at the menu and quickly fired off my order:

"Chops special burger French fries"

And then Mrs. Poop replied:

"There's a yummy looking mushroom burger with turkey bacon and provolone. Chops special burger i think it's called. Doesn't come with anything. Can order a side of fries for $3. No desserts for you unless you like baklava. You were supposed to have your order in 10 minutes ago!!"

And that is why we are soulmates.

You Won't See Her in the D-League

Amazing shot by Syracuse's Brittney Sykes, a half-court buzzer-beating heave to give the Orange a 60-57 win over St. John's.



Under the tutelage of Quentin Hillsman and the supervision of Dr. Darryl Gross the Orange women's basketball team has made great strides. Not to national power status (the #1-ranked freshman, Breanna Stewart, is from Cicero, NY and chose UConn over Syracuse), but certainly a strong team capable of making the NCAA tournament. So far, they are 16-2 with the losses coming to UConn (no surprise) and Temple (why can't we beat those fuckers?). The Big East is down this year, and there isn't another game with UConn so heading into the tournament with 5 or 6 losses it at least a possibility. If they can do that, a high seed and possibly a deep run could be in order.

But they'd have to win the national title in order for Mrs. Poop to get on board with Elashier Hall's hairstyle.

Or Carmen Tyson-Thomas for that matter.

Dominating the D-League

If you follow the NBA Developmental League (D-League), and I know you do, you may notice the preponderance and success of several former Syracuse Orange players.
Demitris Nichols was named D-League Player of the Week for the week ending January 20th. Nichols scored 26, 25 and 26 points (25.7 per game), shot incredibly well (63%) including 8 of 10 3-pointers. For the season he's putting up a respectable 17.6 points with 5.3 rebounds.
Fab Melo had his own D-League spurt right around Christmas. First he put up 16 points, 15 rebounds and 14 blocks (in one game) against the Erie BayHawks, then followed that up with 32 points, 9 rebounds and 9 blocks in the very next game. He has cooled off since then, but his averages of 11.6, 7.1 and especially 3.8 blocks are very respectable.

And then there is Arinze Onuaku who by one ranking was judged the #1 prospect in the D-League. He is averaging 14 points and 11.5 rebounds, but in only 24 minutes. A per-48-minute average of 23 rebounds is exceptional and could earn him a call-up when he gets healthy.
Rick Jackson is averaging 9.7 points and 9.4 rebounds for the Austin Toros.
Paul Harris is averaging 12.9 points and 9.7 rebounds.

Andy Rautins is hitting 40% of his 3s, and averaging 12.5 points per game.
Kris Joseph spent the year bouncing between the Celtics and its D-League team (where he teamed with Melo and averaged 17.7 points) before getting waived by Boston due to a contract technicality.
Obviously alumni are happy for all of these guys, and hopeful they have long and successful NBA careers.
But what does it say about the program and the coaching that so many guys are in the D-League seeking more "development?" You could make the argument they aren't getting enough instruction if NBA teams don't see them as ready for the league when they graduate or leave the program.
But I would disagree with that, here's why: Syracuse is in the midst of one of it's greatest runs in program history. Over the past 4 years the Orange are 119-25 for an .826 winning percentage (and they're 18-1 so far this year). Some of that is due to a very weak non-conference schedule, but they're still dominating the Big East, one of the strongest conferences in the country.
It seems to me that Jim Boeheim, despite catching lightning in a bottle with one of the best one-and-done players in college history, has eschewed those high-profile players, maybe not by choice, and accepted a second-tier recruit he knew would stay 3 or 4 years in the program. Those players have helped SU to some great regular seasons recently (disappointing tournament results however) because they stay 3 or 4 years in the program, growing, learning and maturing.
But they just may not be good enough to make the NBA.

The Harbaugh Mantra

We're going to hear a lot about the Harbaughs in the next 10 days or so, and eventually it may get tiresome, but here's a story I love.
Jack Harbaugh, the patriarch of this coaching coterie, used to ask his kids "who's got it better than us?" and the only correct response was "Noooooooo-body."
I love that, a positive uplifting message. The origin supposedly comes from Jack's own youth when he used to play with his friends all day and all night, and they used to repeat that refrain.
But now it has become a rallying cry for both teams.



And even a slogan for merchandise and t-shirts.

Song of the Week

"Ice" - Kelly Rowland featuring Lil Wayne
I always thought Kelly Rowland should be a bigger star than Beyonce, if only she looked as good. And married the right guy.
She is a better singer, doesn't overdo it, and her songs are better.
This sexy, female empowerment anthem is better than anything solo-Beyonce has ever done, IMHO.

What Do You Give Me For? Bill Russell and Morgan Freeman

George Stephanopoulos made a major fuckup during the inauguration coverage. The camera panned to an older black man with a white beard. Stephanopoulos said "that's Morgan Freeman, I think" but it was Bill Russell. Live TV is tough, and this certainly doesn't make him a racist, but does it make him bad at this game?

Mrs. Poop is a Douche

We have two credit cards, a Discover we use most often and another we use in places where Discover is not accepted. We almost never use that backup card. So Mrs. Poop was shocked to see an $18 charge on the backup card at McDonald's from a town about 20 miles away. She was sure this was not her. We very seldom eat McDonald's, and neither of us could remember the last time we did. And if we did ever eat there we would certainly pay cash. And if we were going to use a credit card, we'd use Discover. So she had me call up and protest the claim. A few days after I did that she remembered one time she did go to Mickey D's, when she had no cash and they wouldn't accept Discover. Our claim was denied anyway so we have to pay our rightful debt. But Mrs. Poop is still a douche.

The NFL is Poop - Conference Championships

Har-Bowl
This is going to be the big story this week. Two brothers facing each other in the Super Bowl. It really is remarkable. As amazing as if it were Eli vs. Peyton. I have no idea who the Harbaughs are going to root for, must be an incredibly weird feeling knowing one of your children is going to have the ultimate triumph, but it has to come at the expense of the other who will feel the ultimate disappointment.

Ray's Last Dance
I attributed no weight to the emotional lift Ray Lewis would give his team by coming back from injury and announcing he would retire after the season. I still don't buy into it, but they certainly are playing great right now, though more so on offense than defense. Regardless of how or why it's happening (Lewis might say God is great and allows no weapon raised against hm to prosper) but it will certainly be fun to watch him one more time.

Blueprint for Brady
As great as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are, individually and certainly together, one of the greatest coach/QB duos in NFL history. But in the past 8 years they have lost 7 playoff games (vs. 8 wins) and missed the playoffs in 2008 when Brady had his knee shredded in the opening game of the season. Here are the Patriots point totals in those 7 losses: 13, 34, 14, 14, 21, 17, 13. Now I don't claim to be an expert in defenses but clearly there's a blueprint developing for how to beat the Patriots, pressure Brady, hit him, and force a few turnovers (and get a little lucky).

Bernard Pollard, Patriot Killer
I wrote this last year in this very column about Ravens safety Bernard Pollard:
"If there is one name that strikes fear in the hearts of the New England Patriots it is Bernard Pollard. Pollard, then on the Kanas City Chiefs, is the guy whose hit tore Tom Brady’s ACL on the first play of the 2008 season. A year later while playing for the Texans, Pollard dragged down Wes Welker, injuring his knee. Now on the Baltimore Ravens, Pollard tackled Rob Gronkowski and rolled over his ankle. Gronk was able to return, though he didn’t catch any passes after the injury, and he is expected to play in the Super Bowl. But maybe the biggest atrocity committed by Pollard is his famous locker room dance from Hard Knocks."
Pollard now adding one more incident to his lore, forcing Stevan Ridley to fumble near midfield in the third quarter. At that point the Patriots were trailing 21-13, and driving. That fumble gave the Ravens the ball in good field position and they scored a touchdown to take the decisive 28-13 lead.

Falcons Choked
No other way to describe, the Atlanta Falcons choked, for the second week in a row. In their two playoff games they scored 44 points in the first half, and 10 in the second half (while allowing 42 second half points). It's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong in these games, but they lost their aggressiveness on both sides of the ball, and it cost them.

Worth It
I dealt with this a lot when the Redskins traded for Robert Griffin III but in light of the great performance of Julio Jones (11 catches, 182 yards) it might be worth repeating: you can't judge a trade by the value of what you gave up, only by the value of what you got. The Falcons got the game-breaking receiver they needed, so the trade was certainly worth it.

Bill Belichick is a Lowlife
You'd think being a professional coach with years of experience would teach someone how to lose with class, grace and dignity. Didn't happen for Bill Belichick. He refused to make himself available for an interview with CBS after the game, sending Devin McCourty in his stead. And when he did appear for the league mandated press conference he said "we gave up too many points and we didn't score enough points." What a complete classless, petulant primadonna.

Kaepernicking is Here To Stay
We knew Colin Kaepernick wasn't going to be able to recreate his rushing performance but he showed himself to be a versatile quarterback who can beat teams with his arm and his legs. He throws hard, and he's accurate and as long as he can stay away from getting too aggressive and throwing into coverage, I think he will be a good quarterback for a long time to come.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
San Francisco 49ers 21 Baltimore Ravens 16
I think the 49ers defense is better and I really love the way Kaepernick is playing. Obviously Flacco has been on fire recently too, but I just have the feeling this is the 9ers year.

Weekly Picks

Too little too late but it was nice to have a perfect week.

NEW ENGLAND -8 baltimore
This sometimes happens after upsets, a mismatch in the next round. I do not see the Patriots losing this game so I would have a hard time picking Baltimore to cover.

BEST BET
san francisco -3 1/2 ATLANTA
I think this spread is out of line because of what Kaepernick did last week. He is not going to be able to do that again. I am very worried about this pick but I thought the 9ers would make the Super Bowl before the playoffs and I have seen nothing that would make me change my mind.
Note: Spread edited with permission of Papa Poop.

Last Week: 4-0 (5 point)
Season: 42-51 (33 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (5-14)
Home Favorites: 2-0 (15-22)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (6-4)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (11-15)
Road Underdogs: 2-0 (10-10)

A Lot of Dirt Being Kicked in Heaven Tonight

Former Orioles manager Earl Weaver died today at the age of 82. He was on the Orioles fantasy cruise in the Caribbean and he collapsed in his room in the middle of the night, doctors could not revive him.
Weaver won 4 American League pennants, winning the World Series 1970 and losing 3 (1969, 1971 & 1979) [CORRECTED]. He did not manage the Orioles in 1983 when they won the Series. That was one of the answers I got wrong in my appearance on "Stump the Schwab."
Weaver is best known for his arguments with umpires when he kicked dirt on them and evidently curse up a storm. Here is the full unedited argument with Bill Haller in 1980 after Haller called a balk on Mike Flanagan.

Lying Lance

Lance Armstrong finally confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs during his cycling career in which he won 7 Tours De France. His admission doesn’t surprise me, what shocked me is that he made the admission at all. It was a huge mistake for Armstrong to confess, and an even bigger mistake for him to do it for Oprah.
For years Armstrong lied about his doping/cheating and he didn’t just go into a shell and refuse to talk about it, he viciously went after anyone who told the truth about him. Armstrong’s admission now creates a ton of legal problems for him.
First of all, he could go to jail. Federal authorities decline to prosecute him but now they could pursue him with renewed vigor because he lied to them during the course of the investigation.
Then there are all the civil suits. Everyone he called a liar, everyone who gave him money under false pretenses, from Nike to the United States Postal Service, could sue him to recoup some of the money.
So why did Lance do this? An attack of conscience? Unlikely because if that were the case it would have been much more prudent to confess to authorities, and try to get leniency under the law. And perhaps try to settle some of the civil suits.
I think Lance Armstrong is such a sociopath he really doesn't understand how his actions are received by others. He needs the adoration so badly that he can't understand how badly his comments and actions really are. Perfect example, during this interview, his big admission, he makes a fat joke, to Oprah. No one laughs.

I can't embed it yet so just watch the awkward moment here.

The Best Promotion for "Catfish" There Could Ever Be

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, and all of us, were the victims of a hoax. Te’o evidently believed some hot chick from Stanford he met online was his girlfriend. And we believed the story that she had gotten into a horrible car accident, the doctors discovered she had leukemia, which eventually killed her. And that death happened around the same time Te’o’s grandmother died. Which happened around the same time Te’o lead Notre Dame to a big win over Michigan State using the two deaths as inspiration.

Now we know there is no such person as Lennay Kekua. Someone else was operating a Twitter account in her name. Pictures of her were actually pictures of someone else. The voice he heard on the phone was someone else.
Te’o says he was duped and didn’t find out she never existed until December 6th and didn't tell the University until December 26th. There’s almost no way this could possibly be true, but it seems like Te’o was very careful not to say he ever met her in person, though his father certainly implied it. Deadspin, which did a great job uncovering the story, very neatly lays out all the evidence.
Maybe the biggest villain/dupe in all of this is Pete Thamel who really made this a national story when his piece on Te’o for Sports Illustrated centered on this tragic loss. He never asked for a picture of them together. He thought it odd that he couldn’t find an obituary for her online, but didn’t ask enough questions.
The story is too long and sordid for me to examine every single detail but I will say that my suspicion is that initially Te’o got duped. Eventually he figured it out but was too embarrassed about his phony girlfriend to come clean. So he conspired with the liar to kill off the fake girlfriend and hope it would go away.
Maybe he was duped the entire time, but told lies and omissions to make it seem less creepy that he had an online friend whom he had never met. I doubt that, but it is possible. It’s also possible Te’o was in on this the entire time, maybe to get publicity, maybe just because he’s young and dumb. But I doubt that too. Here's why: I read where a former Stanford player said Te'o asked the Stanford players if they knew his girl. So that's why I'm going with my suspicion that he was duped at first but got in too deep.
But I may get burned because you can't trust a liar.

Ladies, You Can Protect Yourself From Disease

A once dreaded disease has now been nearly eradicated thanks to the beautiful young women who have protected themselves from this dreaded ailment.

Pubic lice, more commonly known as "crabs", are now basically an endangered species. Doctors think the popularity of bikini waxing may be to blame (or thank). In Australia, no women have been seen with crabs at Sydney's main sexual health clinic since 2008, and male cases have fallen 80% over the past 10 years.

So-called Brazilian waxes, in particular, are seen as contributing to the downfall of pubic lice, since nearly all the pubic hair —the habitat, in this case— is removed in that procedure. All in all, more than 80% of US college students remove some or all of their pubic hair these days, Bloomberg reports. It's arguably a nicer way of dealing with the crabs problem, than the typical treatment, which is a topical insecticide.

Song of the Week

"I Do Love You" - Billy Stewart
Just a beautiful, awesome mid-60s R&B song. I love the harmonies, which are sung with his brother on backup. Billy Stewart died 43 years ago tomorrow in a car accident.



There is an awesome cover version of "I Do Love You" by Barbara Mason. It's good in it's own right and because the lyrics, the style, and especially the voice, are so different, it doesn't detract from the original, it actually adds to it.

Everyone Does Stupid Things in College

After beating NC State beat Duke by 8 points (as Damino correctly predicted) NC State students stormed the court. They did it because their team has just defeated the #1 team in the country, and because it's fun. I have stormed a few courts and a football field in my dad and it's really cool, it's exciting and it's nice to have that experience.



Will Privette is a senior at NC State, studying communications. He is a huge sports fan, has been to every home basketball game but one in his four years and even did statistical work for the basketball team. Privette was born with leg deformities and has been in a wheelchair his entire life. As this game was ending he wheeled courtside and a friend offered to push him onto the court. It seemed like a good idea at the time but when the crowd came Privette got plowed out of his chair and went flying. Guard CJ Leslie found him, picked him up and held him until he could be reunited with his chair.

Privette was not hurt, but his phone was cracked and his chair was damaged. "But I don't regret it at all", he says.
"It was the dumbest thing I've done in college but it was awesome."
"I'm glad this happened my senior year. It's a great way to go out."

Normally, I would criticize someone for doing something so dumb that could jeopardize his safety. But in this case I don't blame Privette one bit for wanting to feel like a normal college student.

You Have Time For This

I used to think it was borderline racist to make fun of black people like Antoine Dodson and those in Alabama who thought there was a leprechaun in their neighborhood either by autotuning their comments or simply passing the video around the internet.
But thanks to Pres. Obama and the enlightened people who voted him to not one but two terms, I don't think America is racist anymore. This is actually a sign of progress, black people can be made fun of for being stupid just like any other racial or ethnic group.
With that said, and with a clear conscience I present to you Sweet Brown:



Mrs. Poop has played that video so many times that if I ask her to do something, no matter what it is, she says "ain't nobody got time for that." And Chase is running around the house screaming "oh lord Jesus it's a firrrrre."

But if you are a little more enlightened, a little more politically correct and would prefer to laugh with as opposed to laugh at your African-American brothers, here is Billy's favorite video, the actual funeral for Willie McCoy who sang the Chili's baby-back ribs jingle:



"I'm not sure if having pigs at the funeral was the brightest idea."

Big Breast Theory

Kaley Cuoco wins this year's "check out those golden globes" award. And good thing because maybe it'll take attention away from her face, makeup and hair.

The NFL is Poop - Divisional Playoffs

Some Quick Thoughts on Baltimore-Denver
Remember when Peyton Manning used to have the reputation as a choker? He beat a bad Bears team in one Super Bowl and that got completely wiped out. But he absolutely positively cost his team this game with a horrible throw that got picked off, basically gifting the Ravens the win.
I thought a double overtime playoff game was pretty remarkable. Apparently CBS didn't. They didn't show a graphic, or even mention, to my recollection, how many 2OT games there had been (5) and how many longer than this one (3). The most famous and the longest being Kansas City-Miami in 1971.
Maybe their lips were frozen shut but the crowd didn't seem to be very noisy at all. I could hear all of Peyton Manning's line calls including "hurry! hurry!" before every snap. I don't know who was less coherent in that postgame interview, Ray Lewis or Solomon Wilcots. "What made you believe you could win?" Really? Not, can you believe Peyton Manning threw that horrible pass? Or have you ever played in a better game? This is why sideline reporters are usually hot chicks. They can't get anything good anyway, might as well just be hot.
Yes the officiating was poor and I disagreed with several calls and no-calls. But I think this was just one of those games were there was an unbelievably high number of very close calls.
An amazing number of big plays in this one, the two kick returns by Denver, the two big passes early to Torrey Smith, and several other patterns where he got past Champ Bailey. But if this game has to have one indelible image it will be the 70-yard TD from Flacco to Jacoby Jones with 30 seconds left in regulation to tie the game. Just an unbelievable throw by Flacco, but how did the Denver defense let him get that wide open.

Prevent Defense Prevents You From Winning
Despite what happened to Denver on that Jacoby Jones pass I still think teams are much more likely to lose when they get away from their normal defensive aggressive and sit back in soft zones and dare their opponents to beat them. NFL quarterbacks and receivers, given enough time can always come free for receptions.
Atlanta's soft defense allowed 3 Seattle touchdowns on drives of 80, 62 and 60 yards. But the Seahawks didn't learn anything. They didn't pressure the QB, they didn't give Atlanta only short routes. Two passes, 41 yards and then a field goal.
Its certainly easier said than done, and on two passes anything can happen, but certainly the Falcons nearly cost themselves a shot at the Super Bowl with their bend and break strategy.

Questioning Carroll
Two big fuckups in the first half could have eventually cost the Seahawks this game. First, Pete Carroll went for it on 4th and 1 from the Falcons 11 down 13-0 in the middle of the second quarter. I like this call. Obviously, it turned out they could have used those three points, but given the information at the time, it was a worthwhile gamble. Though I would have put the ball in Russell Wilson's hands.
Second, Russell Wilson got sacked right before the half (at the 11 yard line again!) and the Seahawks couldn't get set quickly enough to get another snap off, costing them a chance at the field goal. Wilson has to get rid of the ball there.
I understand the game changes completely based on the score, especially the way the Falcons sat on the lead, but it's interesting to go back and wonder what might have happened.

Tom Brady is Good
Sometimes it really amazes me that the Patriots haven't won the Super Bowl in 8 years. It seems like every time Tom Brady is in a big game he just slices up the opposing defense with short passes, then hits a few big ones. And the Patriots don't tighten up when they get a lead. Yes 18 points is a big 4th quarter lead, but right after the Texans turned it over on downs, the Patriots threw for the end zone of first down, hit a 33-yard TD to Ben Vereen to essentially end the game.
As for the Texans, they have so many good players, at important positions, Schaub, Foster, Johnson, Watt, etc. But they still can't win the big game. They have to keep trying with this group, but this should have been their year. Had they not let home-field slip through their fingers who knows what might have happened.

Coming Out Parties
I have been writing about Michael Crabtree on this blog for years and he finally made his mark on the league with 119 yards and 2 TDs.

But the unquestioned star of this game was Colin Kaepernick.
It was just an unbelievable performance. Other than one bad decision early in the game which got intercepted and returned for a TD, he did everything right. He passed when he should have passed, he ran when he should have run, and he slid or got out of bounds every time he should have, and the Packers never put a spy on him to keep him in the backfield. It was a legendary performance, calling to mind a young Michael Vick going into Green Bay and beating the Packers with a similar style.
I really think we are seeing the evolution of the quarterback. Guys like Manning, Brady and Brees are so last century. Now guys like Wilson, RG3 and Kaepernick can throw and run and one sets up the other. They are almost impossible to defend and they are incredibly fun to watch. Kaepernick's 56-yard TD was a thing of beauty.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Why is a Redskins fan ranting this week? The Redskins are out of it, move on. Yes, but I couldn't help get very sad watching Colin Kaepernick and thinking "that's supposed to be RG3, that's supposed to be me, that's supposed to be us."
He is just as fast, if not faster, has just as good an arm, maybe more accurate, is just as exciting, and I think even a better decision maker. But injuries robbed him and us of that this year. I just hope eventually, he will have his time. And I will have mine.

Picture of the Week
I am a sucker for a good picture of a sweaty, steaming head on a cold day. Thanks, Ma'ake Kemoeatu.

The Best Weekend of the Year
It's pretty much common knowledge among football fans that this is the best weekend of the year. It's better than the first round of playoffs because the best teams are playing, its better than the conference championship weekend because there are twice as many games and it's better than the Super Bowl because the game is often (but not much recently) a letdown. And this weekend was one of the best ever. Two really great games, one that wasn't close but very fun to watch, and the last one wasn't much of a game, but we were so spent at that point that who cared.

What Happened to Parity?
The NFL often brags about its parity and that anyone can win at any time, thanks to the salary cap which tends to level the playing field. But 3 of the 4 conference finalists from last year are back this year. But since the Giants aren't, the NFL will have its 5th different champion in the last 5 years.