Don't Anger Hunter Pence

Some creative (vindictive?) Mets fan decided to taunt Hunter Pence when the Giants came to town.
They came to the ballpark with a bunch of creative signs:

"Hunter Pence Puts Ketchup On His Hot Dog"

I prefer to eat my dogs plain. But if I had to use a condiment I would much prefer ketchup to mustard.

Insult rating (on the Don Rickles scale):

"Hunter Pence Eats Pizza With a Fork"

This is a more serious one, but it's worse for the Mayor of New York City than it is for an outfielder from Texas

Insult rating:

"Hunter Pence Can't Parallel Park"

Not funny.

Insult Rating:

"Hunter Pence Likes Godfather 3"

Probably the worst thing you can say about a person's character and judgment.

Insult rating:

But Pence had the last laugh as the Giants won 3 out of 4 and Pence went 6 of 18 with 2 doubles, 2 triples, 2 home runs and 7 RBI for a slash line of .333/.368/1.000.

Not When I Was There

Syracuse University tops Princeton Review's list of Party Schools for 2014.
According to the Princeton Review website, “Schools on the ‘Party Schools’ list are those at which surveyed students’ answers indicated a combination of low personal daily study hours (outside of class), high usages of alcohol and drugs on campus, and high popularity on campus of frats/sororities.”
Legend has it that SU made this list once before in the early-90s which led to a crackdown by the University to avoid this label.
I'm glad to see the school is making a comeback and that the young people who choose to matriculate there are enjoying themselves. But I really thought Greek life was a negative and divisive influence on campus as I detailed in my famous letter to the DO.
I was surprised to see SU ranked #3 of 379 schools in terms of sports scenes. Again, not when I was there. During my time on campus I remember hearing that fewer than 2,000 students had basketball season tickets. A recent run of success, and a National Championship in 2003 (which probably set many current students on the path to SU) certainly have meant a lot for the basketball team, but football, not so much.
But it's nice to see my old alma getting some positive national attention.

Thanks to TON for the suggestion

I'm A Douche

This morning when I went to the bathroom for the first time at work, I couldn't get my dick out. I had put my undershorts on backwards. Didn't feel any different though.

Song of the Week

"Earth Angel" - The Penguins
We're back celebrating great music of days gone by. This classic was a hit 60 years ago. And 30 years after that it was featured in "Back to the Future" as the song that was playing when George and Lorraine kissed and fell in love at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance. And the soundtrack featured a version recorded by Marvin Berry and the Starlighters.

I Once Got Busy in a Burger King Bathroom

A romantic night turned hot and spicy when a couple was caught allegedly having sex on a Chipotle roof in Delaware Saturday.
Michael Suh, 38, and Nicole Germack, 27, were arrested after an officer observed them engaging in sexual intercourse on the front of the roof of the Chipotle restaurant on the 100 block of East Main Street, Newark Police said in a press release.

The officer advised the couple to stop having sex, but they continued for almost 20 seconds, according to authorities.
When they finally stopped, they fled from the roof and into Suh's apartment a few feet away, said police.
The couple was placed under arrest inside the home. Both were released after paying $1,800.
Suh and Germack are facing multiple charges including lewdness and resisting arrest. It was not immediately clear if either had obtained an attorney.

3000 Words

Not only is this a weird picture of Kris Jenner and a giant handbag, there's a girl in the background with her face pressed up against the glass.

This is the picture (from a 1976 edition of National Geographic) that Lorde claims gave her the inspiration for the title and hook of "Royals." (SOTW, 10/23/23)

A row of hearses carries the bodies of the victims of the Malaysia Air Flight 17 attack:

Song of the Week

"Sail" - AWOLNation
Happy Birthday Juice (a few days early)!

The Most Interesting Telephone Pole in the World

Diesel in Maine in 2007:



Diesel in Maine in 2008:


Diesel in Maine in 2009:


Diesel in Maine in 2010:


Diesel in Maine in 2011:

Diesel in Maine in 2012

Diesel in Maine in 2013

Diesel in Maine in 2014:

The Russian Jean Valjean

I experienced a very disturbing situation this weekend, which leads me to question the direction our country is going in, but before I can explain it, you need to understand a little bit about Family Day.
Where I live we are part of a homeowners' association. It is not gated, the houses don't all look the same, but we all pay dues, follow rules and almost all the homes are adjacent to one of the three parks.
The elementary school is located on one of the parks. The neighborhood kids go to school together, then playgroup (half-day summer camp for kids kindergarten-6th grade), they play, swim and work together. This fosters an incredible sense of community. Several people we know grew up there as kids and came back to raise their own families.
One day in summer is called Family Day, it starts in the morning with activities for kids like pony rides, inflatable slides (include a water slide), carnival games (with prizes), spin art and face-painting.
It is a completely open event. The pool is open all day to everyone, IDs are not checked, guest fees are not charged. Everything is paid for by the association. All that we ask is that parents (including residents) buy their children a wristband for $15 for access to all the above mentioned attractions plus cotton candy and sno-cones.
The pony rides and the bigger inflatable slide were manned by employees of the respective companies and they were turning away kids without wristbands.

But the rest of the things, like the bounce house were either unstaffed or done so by residents volunteering (and sacrificing times with their own families).
But there was a sign next to each station making it clear that you needed a wristband but many people just ignored it.
After having to wait for non-payers at several attractions including the bounce house (where I saw one lady, speaking Russian, but clearly telling someone about the wristband policy), I started to get frustrated.

While Chase and Julian were getting their faces painted (by a friendly resident volunteer)

the line was starting to get long. Next on line, in front of 3 paying residents, was a little girl, with her scofflaw mother (the one speaking Russian at the bounce house) nowhere to be found.

I decided to speak up. In my nicest voice I said "sweetie, tell your mommy you need a wristband to get your face painted."

Before I even finished the sentence the little girl shot back "we don't have enough money."

No one is going to turn away a child in this case. And the mother knew that. Which is why she coached the daughter to say it.

There is no way this woman is so poor that she literally had to choose between spending 15 dollars on a wristband and eating that day, she just didn't deem this expenditure worth it, especially because she knew if she plotted it right (found the soft targets, coached her daughter, and stood far away) she could get away with it.
I think she was just trying to get away with something (like the people at Panera who ask for a cup for water and then fill it up with soda) but it represents something more sinister and insidious in our society: the entitlement attitude.

If someone has more money than you, they must have stolen it or cheated you to get it, so are just stealing it back.
And that's what this woman was doing: stealing. This was an immoral act. It is wrong to take something (product or service) without paying for it.
If she truly couldn't afford it then that is sad. But she should have stayed home, that would have been a better lesson for the child than the one she taught her.

For Once, I Agree With Coach Boeheim's Strategy Decision

A Syracuse fan got a huge Jim Boeheim tattoo on his leg.

When reached for comment by ESPN, Boeheim said "I would wear long pants for the rest of my life."

Agreed.

Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?

I try to walk carefully, but I just always manage to kick things and stub my toes in the most gruesome possible ways.
I am currently hobbling around with a severely injured pinky toe on my right foot.
But according to this montage it looks like the most mild of my injuries.

Love Me, Love Me, Say That You Love Me

LeBron James is going back to Cleveland, saying he didn't realize four years ago how important the people of Northeast Ohio were to him.
Many people are viewing this as an admission on his part that he made a mistake four years ago when he chose to leave the Cavs for the Heat.
I think he is making the same mistake this time around, only he's doing it in a better way.
Let me explain: First of all, I am talking only about the decision with a lowercase d. The Decision, the TV special, was a complete disaster and at least he learned that lesson this time around.
But the lesson he didn't learn, is that you can't make people happy by doing what you think they want you to do.
I believe LeBron chose Miami four years ago because he thought that's what people wanted and what he needed. He thought he needed to win championships in order to be considered one of the all-time greats. And he was willing to take less money to do it. And he was right, he won two titles and four conference championships in Miami. But he never got the adulation he wanted and desired, in fact the opposite was true. Even excluding the Decision, people were angry that he abandoned his home fans and assembled a super-team.
Upon seeing that his two titles didn't bring him the love respect and adulation he desired LeBron tried to reverse course and go back to Cleveland.
It would be an admirable move, were he really sincere about his intentions. But all he wants is the love. He doesn't really care about the people of Northeast Ohio who felt betrayed by him. He just wants people to stop saying bad things about him.
Well, it's not going to work.
There are always going to be haters and being a person of prominence, they're always going to attack everything he does.
But if he really wants to turn those of us who are mostly agnostic to him (love his play, ambivalent about his personality) he should be less concerned with what we think and more concerned with winning those titles for the people of Cleveland.

Song of the Week

"Magnet and Steel" - Walter Egan

The Smartest Man in Music

In the nearly 30 years since Weird Al Yankovic recorded "Dare to Be Stupid" so many people took his advice that now it's hard to find people who are willing to be smart.
Which is why his latest single, "Word Crimes," strikes a chord with me. He takes on all those stupid grammar mistakes that people make on the internet and claim they made them just to save space or because they were typing quickly, or on a phone but you know they just don't know anything about proper English.



This is probably one of my favorite suggestions in the history of The Poop, because I loved Weird Al, I love grammar and because this video is so new it's still stuck in 301+ views purgatory.

Thanks to Razor for bringing this song into my life.

Weird Al also recently released a parody of "Happy" called "Tacky" but I won't link to it because he makes fun of sandals with socks.

What Do You Give Me For? Sean Dempsey and Johnny Galecki

What do you give me for the 27th place finisher in the 2014 World Series of Poker Main Event Sean Dempsey and Big Bang Theory's Johnny Galecki?

Note: I couldn't find a good picture of Johnny Galecki to really make this work. As Leonard Hofstadter he has the glasses but not the beard, as himself he has had a beard, but not the glasses. But if you cover the picture on the right I'd bet your mental picture of Johnny Galecki is closer to Dempsey than the one I found on Google images.

Song of the Week

"Rude" - Magic!
I've been posting a lot of pop songs lately. I promise to rectify that.

Fat Yankees Fan Sleeps, Sues

Andrew Rector was caught on camera sleeping in the stands during a Red Sox-Yankees game at Yankee Stadium:



Now Rector is suing ESPN, MLB and Dan Shulman and John Kruk because the announcers made fun of him. The lawsuit says the "unending verbal crusade against" Rector caused him “substantial injury” to his “character and reputation,” as well as “mental anguish, loss of future income and loss of earning capacity.”

The lawsuit doesn't even look as if it was prepared by a real lawyer, it's full of typos misspellings and failed attempts to sound intelligent.

Fact is, calling the guy "oblivious," wondering if he missed the Beltran homer and gently joking about his weight (by asking Kruk if they are related) are totally legitimate things for the announcers to do.

His other allegations that they called him confused and unintelligent just aren't true. But if they had said those things, they'd be right.

Poker pro Vanessa Selbst got caught on camera sleeping at a Montreal Canadiens game but you don't see her filing frivolous lawsuits.

Song of the Week

"Am I Wrong?" - Nico & Vinz

I Have an Eye for Talent

6 years ago I spotted a hottie on "Red Eye" telling a story about summer camp and 2600 people visited the Poop hoping to hear about Anna Gilligan's naked summer camp (though the videos have been deleted from youtube).
Well now I have something even better for you, Anna Gilligan in a bikini and creepy Greg Kelly ogling her.



In Kelly's defense, she did look smoking. And that was clearly the desired reaction. She didn't pick that bikini by accident. And she didn't starve herself for two weeks and take a laxative that morning because she didn't want anyone to notice her body.

Song of the Week

"Move Bitch"
We are moving. I am singing this song while carrying boxes.

Song of the Week

"Love is a House" - Force MDs
My favorite group from Staten Island with their second best song.
But because of what's going on in my life lately (buying a new house), I've been singing this a lot.

Please Don't Read This After Listening to an Uptempo Record

Casey Kasem died today at age 82, after a long struggle with his health and a bitter fight between his kids and his new wife.
Kasem was famous for being radio's dominant national disc jockey, and for being the voice of Shaggy in the Scooby Doo cartoons.

But in the internet age he is best known for this epic meltdown:



I know I posted this 3 years ago as a birthday present to myself but I couldn't immortalize the man without posting it again.
And let it be a lesson to you Poopheads, if you ever do something this funny, I will bring it up again on the day you die.

Finally, Another Movie That Lives Up To Its Name

Here's the trailer for "Dumb and Dumber To" due out in November.



It doesn't look as funny as the original (how could it?) and I don't have high hopes, but I'm certainly willing to give it a chance.

Song of the Week

"I Found Lovin" - Fatback Band
The best song from one of the most underrated disco-funk bands of the late-70s.
I can't say for certain but I'm pretty sure your day could use 7 minutes of funk.

Funny or Douchey?

Dan Heimiller won the $1,000 Seniors Event at the World Series of Poker for $627,000. Nothing douchey about that.
He did it while wearing a T-shirt that says "Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!"

Even that, I wouldn't say is douchey.
A long time ago Papa Poop told me about a guy he played blackjack with in Atlantic City. Every time the guy got an ace he said "king of hearts." After 20 times, he finally got the king of hearts and said he called it.
That's what Heimiller does with the shirt. He wears it every single time in the hopes of finally winning?
Is that douchey?

You Knew This Was Coming

Baseball lifer Don Zimmer died this week at age 83. Zimmer played for the famous 1955 Dodgers, and the infamous 1962 Mets. He coached or managed for 40 years after his playing career most famously with the Cubs and Yankees. It was as Joe Torre's bench guru that he got involved in the incident that will stay with him to his grave.
And just to prove it, here is Don Zimmer charging Pedro Martinez in a brawl during the 2003 ALCS, and getting thrown to the ground like a sack of potatoes. An act by the way, for which Pedro deserves no blame.

Song of the Week

"Summer" - Calvin Harris
I predict this jam will be huge this summer.

All That for Kenyon Martin

Lewis Katz, owner of the Philadelphia Inquirer and former owner of the then-New Jersey Nets, died in a plane crash this weekend.
In keeping with The Poop's tradition of memorializing people in death with their silliest moments in life, I present to you Lewis Katz's reaction upon winning the 2000 NBA Draft Lottery.

If Michael Did This He'd Be a Serial Killer

One night in July 2012 Aaron Hernandez was Cure Lounge in Boston. While he stood near the dance floor, Daniel Abreu, dancing nearby, bumped into him, causing him to spill some of his drink. Abreu, who had never met Hernandez, smiled and kept dancing.
Hernandez was livid. At 2:30 a.m. July 16, Hernandez followed the BMW Abreu was driving and fired five shots into the sedan, killing Abreu and his friend Safiro Furtado, according to police.

If everyone in New Jersey behaved liked this there would be zero men aged 21-35 in the entire state. One time Michael had just purchased a $13 vodka and Red Bull and as soon as he turned around some douche danced right into him, spilling at least 11 dollars worth.

Then there was one time Billy was wearing a white shirt, and I don't remember the circumstances but somehow a cranberry juice drink got splattered all over his back. He looked as if he was covered in blood. But it was on his back, so Michael and I just told him that you couldn't even notice.

Not to make light of a serious situation, but it is kind of funny in a macabre way just how fuckin nuts Aaron Hernandez was and probably still is.

Awful First Pitch

The Mets are very excited about the June 14th postgame concert by washed up rapper Curtis Jackson aka 50-Cent.
To promote his appearance they had him throw out the first pitch wearing a Jackson #50 jersey.
Joining the likes of Mariah Carey, Carl Lewis and Mayor Mark Mallory, 50 unleashed this awful pitch.



But I'm giving the crown of worst first pitch ever to Canadian cutie Carley Rae Jepsen

Song of the Week

"Classic" - MKTO
I am sure most of the people who like this song don't even know who Marvin Gaye and Donny Hathaway are.

Better Fake Protest Sign

Sometimes the internets like to have fun with things.
For instance, some clever person photoshopped a sign into the famous Martha Burk-led protests against the Masters. Amidst all the women with signs arguing for gender equity, nestled inconspicuously in the back is a sign that says "Iron My Shirt Bitch."

I e-mail Mrs. Poop that picture every time I need my shirts ironed.

We also have this sign, in a monitor behind Fox anchor Shepard Smith. The banner on the screen reads "Biggest Protest in Canadian History in Progress" and the protester in the monitor is holding up a sign that says "I Am a Little Upset."

Animal Cruelty at CitiField

I went to the Mets game yesterday and came across an unconscionable act of animal cruelty. A dog sitting on a rug, dressedin a Mets shirt and hat, wearing sunglasses and somehow holding a pipe in its mouth.
Most of you know I hate animals in clothes, so just walking by this poor pooch made me uneasy. But I went back and took a picture because I thought I should expose this.

But turns out when I googled this, many people had previously written about this dog, Coffee, not just for the clothes, glass, pipe and the fact that he's forced to perform to raise money for a lazy human who is too stupid to get a real job, but some observers think he was wearing a shock collar which his irresponsible human owner could use to shock him if he got up, or moved.

I really wish PETA would get involved and protest this cruelty, or put enough pressure on the Mets to ban him from the premises. Surely panhandling on private property is grounds for ejection.

Song of the Week

"Fancy" - Iggy Azalea
I'm actually not a big fan of hers, I think she's a white Nikki Minaj.
Which makes me uncomfortable when a white girl comes into a genre dominated by black men and becomes an instant overnight success.
Also, I don't think she's hot. And her boyfriend, Nick Young aka Swaggy P is the biggest douchebag in the NBA.

Time's Up Macklemore

Ironic that a guy who preaches tolerance and acceptance of everyone would be an anti-Semite.
But that's what happened when Macklemore came out for a performance in a disguise, big nose, bushy beard very similar to offensive caricatures of Jews used by the Nazis and others.

And just by pure coincidence he wore this get-up while singing Thrift Shop, a song about going to such great lengths to get a bargain that you will sleep on sheets that smell like piss.

Once he realized his mistake, he quickly apologized. Oh no, wait he didn't, he blamed the beholder.

"Some people there thought I looked like Ringo, some Abe Lincoln. If anything I thought I looked like Humpty Hump with a bowl cut....I wasn’t attempting to mimic any culture, nor resemble one. A 'Jewish stereotype' never crossed my mind."
He said it was "surprising and disappointing" that the disguise was slammed as anti-Semitic.
"I acknowledge how the costume could, within a context of stereotyping, be ascribed to a Jewish caricature," Macklemore wrote. "I am here to say that it was absolutely not my intention."
And when he got called out by courageous famous Jews like Seth Rogen he responded with ""A fake witches nose, wig, and beard = random costume. Not my idea of a stereotype of anybody."

I actually think he was trying to dress as Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory.

Good Gracious Ass is Bodacious

Greg Hardy reportedly beat up his girlfriend Nicole Holder.
The couple has been dating on and off since the end of last year and even moved in with each other.
Until the other night when according to the police report "the victim stated she was lying in bed with the defendant and he just snapped. The victim advised the defendant physically threw her into the floor, and then tossed her into the tile bathtub. The victim stated the defendant then slammed her into a futon that had several guns and machine guns lying on it causing her to cut her arm on the end of one of guns."

Why was Hardy so mad?
Holder told the police that when her and Hardy broke up in March she had a "short lived relationship with the entertainer Nelly."
In layterms, she fucked Nelly, one time, maybe twice.

Now, that's certainly not an excuse to beat her ass but I can see how that would be an impediment to their reconciliation.

From this, the only picture of her online, she doesn't look that hot. I guess she just hangs out in the right places (she's supposedly a waitress at some nightclub) and makes herself available. And if the choice is between her and nothing, I guess I would take her.

Headline suggested by Michael.

3000 Words

Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Macaulay Culkin on the cover of Life Magazine.

Macaulay Culkin wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Macaulay Culkin on the cover of Life Magazine.

Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Macaulay Culkin on the cover of Life Magazine.

Song of the Week

"Waves" - Mr. Probz (Robin Schulz remix)

Jasmine Jordan Graduates

Michael Jordan attended his daughter Jasmine's graduation from Syracuse University over the weekend.
Jasmine was a sports management major in the David B. Falk College of Sport and Human Dynamics.
David B. Falk happens to be Michael Jordan's agent, seated to his right in this picture.

I couldn't find a picture or any information about MJ also attending the Sunday ceremony in the Carrier Dome, only the smaller "college" one on Saturday.

But congratulations to Jasmine. Let's hope she hooked up with CJ Fair and will someday send their prodigious offspring to SU.

If a Picture is Worth 1,000 Words How Many Are in a Youtube Video?

Gawkers catch the collapse of a massive sinkhole in Baltimore:



This is why we don't bring Diesel to Chase's baseball games:



And this is why Billy preaches safety first:

Song of the Week

"The Man" - Aloe Blacc
This song is so weird. It starts out as an Elton John cover, then it transitions into some serious soul music and ends as a choral gospel number.
He was the singer on Avicii's ubiquitous "Wake Me Up."
I'm pretty sure he's a member of the Crips because it's well known that members of that gang use CC in lieu of CK because CK could stand for "Crip Killer."

No Wonder Eric and Jack Fought Over Her

If you remember the final season of "Boy Meets World" you will recall that Jack and Eric welcomed a hottie-hot-hot, tall, red-headed roommate named Rachel Maguire played by Maitland Ward.
We haven't seen very much of Ward since then. Until now. When we saw almost all of her.
Ward wore an incredibly hot sheer dress to a movie premiere.
Question: do you think she had to wax her pussy to wear this?
If so, what did the old Korean lady think of the 4-leaf clover tattoo that seems to be positioned just to the right of her happy place?

Staten Island's Heroin Epidemic

The New York Times had a great article over the weekend about the growing use of heroin on Staten Island. I paste the entire thing here because some people may not have access to the Times.
The obituaries have a certain sameness to them: full of praise and regret for lives cut short, marked by telltale details and omissions. The deaths occurred at home, or at a friend’s house elsewhere on Staten Island. The mourned were often young and white, and although how they died was never mentioned, nearly everyone knew or suspected the cause.

A 23-year-old man, a cello student in high school and the son of an elevator company vice president died in March. A former high school hockey player who delivered newspapers died in 2013 at 22. Another 23-year-old man who was working construction died at home in July 2012. Family members and autopsy reports revealed that they died from heroin or combinations of drugs including heroin.

Thirty-six people died from heroin overdoses in 2012, the highest number in at least a decade, according to the most recent available city health department records; the death rate was higher than the city’s other four boroughs had seen in 10 years. The amount of heroin seized by the Police Department on Staten Island has jumped more than 300 percent from 2011 to 2013, and this year shows no sign of abating: Through April 13, officers seized roughly 1,700 glassine bags of heroin, up from about 1,200 bags over the same period in 2013. That number does not include the 347 bags seized on Wednesday in raids at an auto-repair shop and its owner’s home.

Drug treatment facilities and addiction programs teem with patients; informal support groups for addicts’ relatives have had to find larger meeting spaces. And last month, the city authorized nearly all Staten Island police and emergency medical workers to carry naloxone, a drug to counteract heroin overdoses.

“You’ve got kids falling apart. You’ve got families falling apart,” said William A. Fusco, the director of Dynamic Youth Community, a drug-treatment center in Brooklyn whose clients include many young Staten Islanders. “You’ve got people who have got no idea what to do, and they’re all saying the same thing: This was a good kid. This was a good kid.”

For decades, heroin was mostly found in the urban sections of the island’s north, where the ferry docks from Manhattan and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge touches down from Brooklyn. It afflicted the borough’s poorest areas, with sales concentrated in open-air markets at a few notorious housing developments like Stapleton and Park Hill.

But as in towns and cities from Vermont to Washington State, heroin’s new surge on Staten Island has ravaged primarily its working- and middle-class communities, especially in the borough’s south.

Numerous heroin addicts and dealers said in interviews that the drug was usually purchased in bulk elsewhere in New York City or in New Jersey, then resold on Staten Island. Law enforcement officials back that account, noting that they have not found any heroin mills in the borough, requiring the police to fight an army of small-time dealers.

“They hide in plain sight,” Detective Ray Wittick said on a recent Wednesday as he steered an unmarked police minivan through a Waldbaum’s grocery store parking lot in Princes Bay, where drug deals are not uncommon.

Some parents have taken to sending their children for treatment in Brooklyn, in part to avoid the glare of those who would recognize them at facilities on Staten Island.

Candace Crupi said she did not want to leave any mystery about her son’s death. The obituary in The Staten Island Advance in March said Johnathan Crupi, 21, had been overwhelmed by addiction. He died at home of a heroin overdose.

“I wanted people to know that I wasn’t ashamed of him,” she said. “People are so ashamed of addiction. There’s such a stigma, and it’s just not right.”

On the family’s kitchen table, among funeral bouquets of red and yellow roses, sat a photograph of Johnathan. It had been a formal occasion, the young man in a tuxedo, his hair closely cropped in a Caesar-style cut.

In a back bedroom, where his body was found on March 28, the smell of cigarettes still lingered 10 days later.

Since the obituary appeared in late March, Ms. Crupi, 60, said she had been approached by people she knew well, and those she only barely recalled, offering condolences and praising her bravery. At Johnathan’s funeral, hundreds showed up, including many strangers who described their families’ own struggles with heroin.

“People that I never knew were going through the same thing,” her husband, Barry Crupi, said. “It was so many people. So many people.”

An Island Unto Itself
Spread across an island more than twice the size of Manhattan, Staten Island’s 470,000 residents live in a collection of small communities often arranged around short main streets, the neighborhoods bearing the names of early residents — Tottenville for John Totten and his family — or for the industries once prevalent, like Graniteville for the quarries once active there.

Until 1964, when the Verrazano Bridge opened, Staten Island had no physical connection to the rest of New York City; older bridges led only to New Jersey. That long separation gave Staten Island its own sense of identity and culture, from the centrality of the Staten Island Mall to the wooded brush vulnerable to fires set by bored teenagers.

There is also a sense of continuity: Staten Island’s demographics have not greatly changed since the 1970 census. In contrast to the rest of the city, the borough’s white non-Hispanic residents outnumber minorities, accounting for about 64 percent of its residents, according to the 2010 census. Most homes are owner-occupied, and unemployment is below the city average.

“When I was growing up, you’d see people riding horses on Hylan Boulevard,” Detective Wittick, 45, said. “You felt like it was something out of a movie, you know. These little towns with the perfect life. You knew all your neighbors.”

That familiarity still exists, but now it carries a burden when drugs are involved.

For a time, a culture of recreational prescription pill abuse seemed like just the latest way for many on Staten Island to deal with weekend boredom. Pills could be found at the cafeteria in Tottenville High School, or at local bars where older men sold their medications, like Roxicodone, Vicodin or Percocet, for a healthy profit. A young barber on Amboy Road said some customers asked to pay for their haircuts in pills.

“You could make money off it,” said Andrea, a 21-year-old recovering addict from Great Kills. “It didn’t seem like there were any consequences.”

Or, in the words of a local rap song from 2012: “Pain killer paradise, Staten Island.”

Pills began showing up in drug seizures around the island, often traced to doctors whose offices were flooded by users seeking illegal prescriptions. One such physician, Dr. Felix Lanting, was 85 when he pleaded guilty to distributing oxycodone in 2012.

His arrest caused a momentary jump in prices, recovering addicts said, but he was just one source among many, including a Lickety Split ice cream truck where 30-milligram oxycodone pills were sold on the side.

An Inexpensive High
Gradually, dealers and users switched to heroin. Some opioid addicts found that their habits required 20 or 30 pills a day, an unsustainable proposition at as much as $30 each. Heroin, already available around New York City for about $5 to $10 for a single glassine, became a cheap alternative.

Brandon, 22, of the south shore town of Eltingville, remembered when the police arrested a group of young men in 2012 for selling pills around Tottenville. His supply dried up.

Then a fellow addict took him over the Goethals Bridge to an open-air heroin market in Newark. “It was so much easier, it’s $6 and it’s always there,” said Brandon, who is now in a 12-step recovery program. “I’ve done one pill since I got introduced to heroin.”

Another recovering addict, Nikki, 29, said she began each day with 15 or 20 Vicodin pills. “I would take them in one shot,” she said.

The daily hunt for money to buy more, usually raised by finding and selling scrap metal with her boyfriend at the time, finally became too much. One day in 2009, the boyfriend came home with something new — 50 little bags of heroin. “I told him, ‘Once we go this way, there’s no going back,’ ” she recalled in an interview. “This is the beginning of the end.”

She said she got hooked.

Four years later, Nikki said, she was clean but admitted that there were lapses. During a recent period of recovery, a friend of a friend asked her to deliver some heroin to a buyer. She agreed but was subsequently arrested. She is now out on bail, raised through pawnshop proceeds from her jewelry. She is also pregnant: The baby is due in July and, once born, will immediately require detoxification from the methadone that Nikki takes every day. She and her new boyfriend will remain on methadone for the foreseeable future, but Nikki said heroin and pills are behind her.

“I’m going to become a mother,” she said.

Most of the addicts interviewed for this article passed through the Dynamic treatment center in Brooklyn, a Y.M.C.A. on southern Staten Island or a Pills Anonymous group that has expanded to include heroin addicts; all requested that they be referred to by only their first names as they rebuild their lives.

Nearly all began by sniffing heroin, much as they had sniffed crushed pills. Soon many sought out the greater high that a needle provided. For Brandon, his first time shooting up was in January 2013, with a fellow addict in the bathroom stall of the Wendy’s on Richmond Hill Road. “I’m thinking, I could be dead in 30 seconds,” Brandon said of his mind-set at the time. He did it anyway.

Mike, 23, of Tottenville said he could find bundles of glassine bags in Newark for as little as $3 or $4 apiece. What he did not use, he sold on Staten Island for $10. Other recovering addicts described similar trips to East New York, Brooklyn, or Elizabeth, N.J. Any profits would go straight back into buying more heroin.

Although deaths from heroin are apparent here, evidence of the drug on the streets is less so. Sales take place by arrangement over the phone, a quick stop in a shopping center parking lot or in the house next door.

For instance, Angelo Gallo and his father, Ugo Gallo, pleaded guilty to selling heroin last year out of their two-story detached house on David Street in Eltingville. A city sanitation worker now rents the home, a few doors down from a police officer.

In the similarly sleepy bedroom community of Oakwood, police officers caught Frank Monte, 47, in the act of selling 300 glassine envelopes in a white plastic bag for $1,320 in cash.

Mr. Monte, who pleaded guilty to felony drug possession, denied any involvement in the sale, saying his previous time in prison for selling drugs had biased the officers. “When you go to jail on Staten Island, you’re labeled for life with these cops,” he said in a phone interview in March.

A few days after that conversation, he was arrested in a car near Clove Road and the Staten Island Expressway with 531 bags of heroin, according to the arrest report. He pleaded guilty, this time to a higher degree of felony possession.

Sabrina, a recovering addict, remembered telling her parents she was going out for ice cream only to go see a dealer by the public pool near her family’s Woodrow home. The dealer took her $100 and drove off.

Desperate for a hit and out of cash, she returned home and told her mother she had been robbed. Her mother questioned why she needed so much money for ice cream. Incensed, Sabrina began tearing apart the home. In the struggle, she shoved her mother, breaking her ankle. Soon after, Sabrina, 25, checked into rehab.

Difficult to Police
Unlike more established drug markets that predominate in other areas of the city, those running heroin here are mostly independent and deal in small quantities. Narcotics officers on Staten Island who have worked in other parts of New York say that dealers and buyers here tend to be even more suspicious of outsiders than elsewhere in the city.

That complicates catching dealers here, as the Police Department has had more difficulty conducting the sort of buy-and-bust operations that are the baseline of narcotics work in other boroughs. “There are those inherent challenges because of the closeness of Staten Island,” said Capt. Dominick D’Orazio, the commanding officer of the borough’s narcotics squad.

Most heroin gets to Staten Island by car and is delivered that way by the dealers who crisscross its neighborhoods, officials said.

“They’re not coming down with a kilo,” said Daniel M. Donovan Jr., the Staten Island district attorney. “They’re going uptown and getting an ounce and then breaking it out.”

Prosecutors and the police said they have noticed that violent drug gangs who have long operated on the north shore of the island — selling mostly crack and marijuana — are switching to selling heroin, where the profit is.

New York City authorities are moving to track the incoming, often prepackaged heroin. Investigators have had some success in turning small-time players to catch those coming onto the island with greater quantities. The goal is to follow the trail back to the major suppliers in the city, who are believed to be primarily in Upper Manhattan and the Bronx, where the police have discovered the city’s largest heroin mills.

That many middle-class Staten Island families send their kids to Brooklyn for treatment speaks to the pervasiveness of the problem and the shame it carries in an insular borough. “Families generally feel better when their child is out of the community,” said Karen J. Carlini, the associate director at Dynamic.

Last year, parents began gathering informally in the backyard of Alicia Reddy’s home in the Huguenot neighborhood. A registered nurse with experience in detox, Ms. Reddy, 44, had been fielding so many calls from parents about addiction, she said, that she decided to hold a monthly meeting to provide information.

“A big factor was that parents were ashamed,” she said.

As the problem worsened, the gatherings quickly outgrew her yard. They are now held at a nearby school, attached to Our Lady Star of the Sea, a Roman Catholic church on Amboy Road, two miles down from a tight cluster of businesses — a decorator, a barber shop, a bagel store — tied in recent years to illegal pill sales, guns or heroin.

Nearby, in the basement of the church rectory, a Pills Anonymous group meets. On a recent Tuesday night, 36 people gathered, describing feelings of helplessness, as well as the strength they found in one another. The program’s 12 steps, written out by hand, hung on a table at the front.

Brandon told his story of repeated episodes of treatment and relapse. In an interview after the meeting, he said that he has been clean for nearly a year, since June 16, 2013.

He counted at least 10 people who he knew had died from pill or heroin overdoses, including an acquaintance from high school he saw again while in treatment for heroin. The classmate died last month.

“There’s no reason that I’m different from Adam,” he said. “I should be dead too.”

Song of the Week

"Turn Down For What" - DJ Snake & Lil Jon

Dumb Yankees Fans

The brilliant Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon pulled a good prank on stupid Yankees fans (click here for a funny joke -- needs speakers!). They asked them to boo a giant cardboard box with Robinson Cano's face on it. And then the real Robinson Cano popped out.



I love how quickly they change their dispositions.

I'm A Douche

My company is celebrating an anniversary this week so they gave everyone small bottles of champagne to celebrate. Someone came to talk to me and asked why mine was still on my desk. I said I don't really drink champagne, so she said she would take it if I didn't want it.
I said "no, [Mrs. Poop] wants to do this stupid thing. When we buy our house she wants to go there and sit on the floor and drink champagne in a totally empty house. I know it's stupid, but that's what she wants to do."
My colleague replied "that's what my husband and I did when we bought our house."

Oops.

But I'm not as big a douche as this student at Davenport University who tried to do a backflip on stage after getting his diploma.

Song of the Week

"Special Lady" - Ray, Goodman & Brown

Seinfeld Night for the Cyclones

The Mets minor league team will host Seinfeld Night on July 5th, the 25th anniversary of the night the Seinfeld pilot aired.
The first 2,500 fans will get a Keith Hernandez Magic Loogie bobblehead which says "I'm Keith Hernandez" on the front and "Nice Game, Pretty Boy" on the back.

MCU Park will be named Vandelay Industries Park for the evening. Anyone presenting a legitimate business card showing he is a latex salesman will get in for free.
Mailmen in uniform will throw out the first pitch.
A dance contest will reward the best "Elaine."
And the best part of the whole thing: the Cyclones will wear puffy shirts during batting practice.

Julian Scares Me Sometimes

99% of sports fans, even serious ones, do not know who this man is.

Julian is the 1%.

Sports Illustrated's Pablo S. Torre filled in as the host of Olbermann when KO had shingles. Julian ran to the TV and screamed "that guy's name is Pablo."

At first Mrs. Poop thought no way. Then she looked over at me, saw I was dumbfounded and slackjawed and anxiously asked me "is that really his name?"

When I regained the power of speech I told her that yes, his name is Pablo and we asked Julian how he knew that.

We reconstructed the story with the help of Chase. Apparently they had been at Moe's and Around the Horn was on (Chase told me Pablo had 10 points), and it said his name. Chase read it to Julian and they both thought it was cool since to them Pablo is a blue penguin from the Backyardigans.

Sometimes we worry about Julian's memory because of all the blows to the head he's taken from all the times he's fallen while behaving recklessly. And because sometimes he can't remember a single thing about his day such that when we got to him for "Best Part of the Day" he says his best part of the day was hearing Chase's best part of the day.

But then he goes and does something like this and scares the shit out of me.

Trash or Treasure?

Our second installment of Trash or Treasure revolves around this naked lady cup I bought in Acapulco:

Now you may be saying "But Poop, it's not a naked lady cup if she's not naked." To which I say "fill it up with cold water and wait."

Mrs. Poop's New Favorite Yankee

Now that Derek Jeter is moving on to make banging Swimsuit models his full time job, this leaves a void in Mrs. Poop's heart.
Who will be her favorite Yankee next season?
Answer: Masahiro Tanaka.

What did Tanaka do to endear himself to Mrs. Poop?
This is what he said when asked about the biggest cultural difference between Japan and the U.S.:

"The washlet is a system in Japan where you press a button and water comes out and washes your ass. Not having that is a big difference."

Soulmates

I love Mrs. Poop with all my heart. But it's no secret that we have nothing in common. Ours is a love like Louis and Mrs. Pasteur's, we don't share a lot of common interests, but we make it WORK!

But it does make me wonder what it would be like to marry a woman who "gets" me, who understands what makes me tick and likes the same things I do.
Like Danica McKellar:



Tight dresses, math and palindromes.

Song of the Week

"Baby I'm-a Want You" - Bread

3000 Words: Fenway Park Edition

Fenway Park crowd in 1924. Notice how the fans and the concessionaire are dressed.

Fenway Park crowd in 2013.

A Coast Guard helicopter does a flyover and the Green Monster is draped in the American flag during the presentation of the 2013 World Series rings at Fenway Park.

Song of the Week

"Love is a Verb" - L Young
A smooth soul jam about grammar.
But I have to take issue with this part.
"I wanna listen to you vent
and tell you all about your day."
He must have done something really bad if he has to promise that.

What Is In the Lining of Jim Boeheim's Suit?

I noticed something strange inside the suit jacket Jim Boeheim wore during the Dayton game. The number 34,616 was sewn inside. Turns out that is the attendance record Syracuse set against Villanova back in 2011. On closer inspection it seems like the entire lining is a huge panoramic of the Dome, presumably from that day.
Pretty cool, but why didn't he get a new one when SU broke that record against Duke?
And why is he wearing a 3-year old suit? Isn't he supposed to wear them once and throw them away?

Give Billy A House

Congrats to Billy for winning the 2014 Tournament Challenge for our group. In one of the worst performances ever (not our fault, it was a crazy tournament), not a single entry in our group had either of the correct teams in the final game.
But Billy did have Kentucky making the Final Four which was good enough to propel him to a victory over Michael and over his own second entry. There is nothing wrong with submitting multiple brackets (our motto: vote early, vote often) and Billy would have had the top two spots, but he lost to Michael on the tiebreaker.
It was another fun year of the competition and it's cool that some of the kids are starting to pick their own brackets, though maybe next year Jack should be supervised.
Hope to see you all again next year.
One more thing just occurred to me, Billy and I had this debate after Jim Nantz went on his rant about the best freshman (Wiggins and Parker) getting knocked out early and both Nantz and Billy were on the team over talent side, I will take talent every single time. And yet, Billy won because he picked the greatest collection of talent to make the Final Four, beating the best "team" in Wichita State in the process.
As I said before, every game is a different circumstance and there is no one thing that predicts who will win.
Which makes the tournament challenge so much fun.

Billy joins this illustrious list of past champions:

2013: TON
2012: Reissberg
2011: Mrs. Poop
2010: Vacated (I forgot to keep accurate records)
2009: Mrs. Poop
2008: Pa Beers
2007: Michael

Jim Boeheim is a Dick, We Know This

The media and blogosphere are killing Jim Boeheim for what he said about Tyler Ennis on ESPN:

"I think he’s a great college player. I think physically he probably could’ve used another year. A little bit different than Dion Waiters who I had a couple of years ago who left. I think Dion was physically better, more physically ready. I think when you go to the NBA you need to be as physically ready as you can be. So I think Tyler could’ve benefited from another year, but certainly he’s a tremendous player and a very, very smart point guard. And I think the one thing I think is point guard is probably the hardest position to break into in the NBA, it’s a very difficult position, but he’s got the skill-set to do that. It’s just a question of him landing in the right place."

So he said he didn't think Ennis was physically ready to play in the NBA and he should have stayed in college another year. That actually seems like a fair and honest assessment to me.
BUT...why would he give a fair and honest assessment on TV to a nationwide viewing audience? Whom does that benefit? Certainly not Ennis, not Boeheim and not even the NBA scouts. If Boeheim wanted to do the best thing for everyone involved he should have given a stock answer on TV and if questioned by NBA people, given his true and honest assessment.
Sure, I love honesty, but as "Liar Liar" proved you don't just walk around telling people they look fat or that you like their big tits.

BUT...I would hate to defend Jim Boeheim on anything but the people who are blasting him for saying something negative are missing half the story. Boeheim said he's a tremendous player and a very smart point guard who has the skills to do well in the NBA. So when sites like Deadspin say kids shouldn't go to Syracuse, that's just so ridiculous that even a Boeheim-hater such as myself feels obligated to point out the other side.

This Year's Passover Parody

Every year some creative Jews come up with music video of some popular song with lyrics referring to Passover.
This year's "Let It Go" version is pretty clever.
The guy who plays Pharaoh steals the show.



Story Suggested by Mama Poop

Trash or Treasure?

While cleaning my house for sale, I have come across some very old items. Instead of deciding whether to throw them out, I will leave it up to the Poopheads.

First item up for bids, a picture of The Concierge cut out of the Staten Island Advance in the mid 1990s.

How I Met Your Dead Mother

And Ended Up With the Woman I Really Wanted the Entire Time

I really don’t know how to feel about the series finale of “How I Met Your Mother”. So let me start with a big sweeping generalization.

Women ruin everything, but especially sitcoms. When sitcoms are designed only for men they are funny. When sitcoms are designed to appeal to the female audience too, they become sappy and every couple that’s “supposed” to be together ends up together. It may be hard to remember this now, but “Friends” was actually funny when it started. But then the female fans started to clamor for certain characters to be coupled with other characters and it became an incestuous mess.

I firmly believe that’s what happened here. The female fans, and probably the female writers, and maybe some of the males, wanted Ted to end up with Robin in the end. It just felt right.

I actually kind of agree, untilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll they called her Aunt Robin for the first time. [I thought that happened in the season one series finale, evidently it was the first episode, but still my point remains]. Once they did that, they should have thrown the whole idea out the window. I know they didn’t want it to be too obvious (people would have bitched), but if it felt right, it would have felt right.

And if we’re looking at it from the sappy point of view why not make Ted and Tracy a happy couple who shares their life together. That’s how the show started, Ted running through all the wrong women because he believed in love and that he would eventually find the right one, the love of his life he was looking for.

I loved the scene when he finally met my mother under the yellow umbrella at the train station. And they talked about all their near misses, and all the luck that brought them together.

As I was watching I thought this would have worked out really well. Lily in her white whale costume, Robin walking out the door, and instead of Robin being Ted’s white whale. Ted became Robin’s. The symmetry would have been beautiful.

But they ruined the ending. It could have been beautiful, he went through all the trials and tribulations of looking for love and finally found the one perfect woman for him. Why did they have to kill her off and get him together with Robin? Girlz is dumb.

There have been many series finales (Sopranos and Seinfeld come to mind) that people hated because they weren’t true to the show.

Note: I sort of felt this way about “Breaking Bad”

But that’s bullshit. Sopranos was a mob show, we were never promised some deep look into the makeup of the American family. How I Met Your Mother is a comedy. Its only mission is to be funny. I think the finale failed on that point a little, because too many sad things happened (Barney-Robin divorce, deterioration of the gang and of course my mother’s death) and it wasn’t all that funny.

But I don’t think they degraded the entire series by making it about my mother who in the end didn’t necessarily turn out to be the real love of Ted’s life. Nor do I think the entire final season was a waste just because it focused on a wedding for a marriage that didn’t last.

My problem with the final season and especially the final episode is that they weren’t all that funny.

But as a whole, I do feel a little bit good about the way the series ended, with Ted and Robin and the blue French horn as the final image of a show I really enjoyed for a really long time.

Boy Meets World Meets Samuel L. Jackson

Another brilliant segment from "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon"
Here is Samuel L. Jackson doing a slam poem about "Boy Meets World" and perfectly summing up the entire series in 3 and a half minutes:



I wonder if Samuel L. is a BMW fan, if not he really practiced and studied this because he got everything perfect including the inflection on the "Fee-nay" call.

Song of the Week

"It's Alright" - The Impressions
One of my proudest moments came when this song was on the radio and I asked Mrs. Poop who the lead singer was.
After initially refusing to guess she came up with the correct answer "Curtis Mayfield."
Some of the things I've tried to teach her have sunk in.

)

It Only Took One Day For the First Gruesome Injury of the Season

Angels hitting coach and 1979 AL MVP (despite finishing 24th in the AL in WAR) Don Baylor was kneeling at home plate to catch the ceremonial first pitch from Angels legend Vladimir Guerrero, and this happened:



Diagnosis is a broken femur. Not quite sure how that happened. But the sickest part is not when he gets hurt, it's when he tries to stand and collapses back to the ground.

I'm not sure Guerrero knew immediately how serious the injury was. It looks like he is laughing.

If you are ever going to click on tag and scroll through old posts of a similar nature "Gruesome sports injuries" is the one for you.

Listen to Vin Scully Describe an Earthquake

Even an earthquake sounds pleasant and relaxing when described by legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully.

Late Game Strategies

Sometimes you just get beat by a good player making a great play. That’s what happened to Michigan against Kentucky. Aaron Harrison drained a 3 to win while being closely guarded.

But there might have been a way to avoid that result.
Here’s the situation, Michigan ball, down 2, 56 seconds left.
Michigan did the prudent thing by trying to get a quick shot, which Stauskas missed.
Here’s where they screwed up, twice they got offensive rebounds and kicked them out for rushed 3s. They didn’t need a 3 trailing by 2, and they certainly didn’t need the hurried jacks they settled for. It worked out because Jordan Morgan tipped one in (it actually looked like Julius Randle did) to the time game.

But Kentucky had plenty of time and Harrison hit the game winning shot.

I think once the shot clock was turned off (under 35 seconds to go in the game) Michigan should have held the ball for a better shot, with less time left. It seems to me, if you miss a shot there, no matter how much time is left, you have very little chance to win.
So if you’re best hope is overtime or a game-winning , it’s better to do that as late in the clock as possible to prevent Kentucky from getting the ball back with a legit opportunity to score.

2014 Baseball Season Predictions

NL East: Washington Nationals
NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals
NL West: San Francisco Giants
NL Wild Card: Cincinnati Reds over Los Angeles Dodgers
NLCS: Washington Nationals over San Francisco Giants

AL East: Tampa Bay Rays
AL Central: Cleveland Indians
AL West: Texas Rangers
AL Wild Card: New York Yankees over Anaheim Angels
ALCS: Tampa Bay Rays over Anaheim Angels

World Series: Washington Nationals over Tampa Bay Rays

NL MVP: Bryce Harper
AL MVP: Mike Trout
NL Cy Young: Steve Strasburg
AL Cy Young: David Price
NL ROY: George Springer
AL ROY: Masahiro Tanaka
NL MOY: Bruce Bochy
AL MOY: Buck Showalter
NL CPOY: BJ Upton
AL COPY: Josh Hamilton