The Judge Has a Grudge

Obnoxious teenager Penelope Soto was picked up by the cops in Miami when she crashed her bike while high on Xanax. Police discovered 26 more Xanax pills or "bars" as they are called on the street. She appeared in front of the judge at a bail hearing.



Awesome!
I totally agree with Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat for smacking this young punk down. She was not being serious, or respectful.
"It's worth a lot of money" "Like what" "Like Rick Ross."
He should have held her in contempt after that answer.
But then the "adios" and finally the "fuck you."
Hopefully this dumb slut will use her 30 days in the hoosegaw to reflect on her behavior and come out a rehabilitated young lady.

When Everyone's Wrong, No One is Right

A 31-point blowout win in the NBA normally doesn’t garner much attention but the Rockets-Warriors game was so interesting it merits discussion. The Rockets had a great night, nailing a bunch of 3s, until they tied the NBA record with 23 3-points, with 3:41 left in the game. After that, Houston tried several more attempts to get the record. Eventually, Mark Jackson ordered the Warriors to foul Houston, so they couldn’t get a 3-pointer off. Draymond Green fouled Patrick Beverly so hard he got a flagrant foul, started a fight and got ejected. But the Rockets didn’t get that 24th 3-pointer. I think both teams are wrong here. First, records and accomplishments achieved outside of the normal flow of the game are not real records. Famous examples include: Ricky's Davis's triple-double, Nykesha Sales hobbling on court on crutches, Brett Favre taking a dive for Michael Strahan or Grinnell college feeding Jack Taylor over and over until he scores 138 points. Those accomplishments are hollow and I think those teams and players are wrong to pursue them in that way. But if your opponent is doing something like that, or running up the score, or doing an annoying touchdown celebration, the answer is: stop them! Don't resort to physical or dirty play, stop them. You don't like what they do when they score, don't let them score. I will not choose sides in this one because I think both teams are wrong here.

A Bad Angle

A photo is making the rounds on the internet, purporting to show Justin Bieber grabbing the breast of a young fan.

As Mrs. Poop can attest, this is not a boob grab just a picture taken from an unfortunate angle at an unfortunate time. He was pulling his hand away from a hug and the picture was snapped. I'm sure there's a inch or two between his hand and her boob, but you just cannot tell from this angle.

What I Should Have Said Theater

Where was Steve Tasker when the lights went out? In the dark.
CBS did a horrible job updating the fans throughout the entire blackout, but none worse than Steve Tasker, who despite being a television reporter, couldn't coherently report what was going on.
Remember, fans at home saw the lights go out, then 30 seconds or so of ambient crowd noise, then a commercial. We knew nothing, and they came back to Tasker who said "welcome back to New Orleans, I'm Steve Tasker sideline reporter for the uh, Super Bowl 47, if you're expecting to hear our friend Jim Nantz it may be a moment before he gets on. Half the power in New Orleans Stadium, the Superdome here, almost a perfect semicircle of the lights, half the stadium, went out, the scoreboard is also not working as well."

Here's what Steve Tasker should have said:
"I'm Steve Tasker, there has been a power failure at the Superdome. Half the lights are out. There is no power in our broadcast booth where Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are. There are enough lights still on, so no one is panicking. We do not know what caused this, and we do not know how long it will take to fix it. Both teams are just milling around wondering when they will be able to resume play."

Granted, I have the benefit of time, he didn't, but a reporter should always say his most important thing in his first sentence. If he practiced that enough, it would become habit. The first thing he said should have been about the blackout or the lights going out, not about the Superdome and our friend Jim Nantz.

Song of the Week

"Kill Fuck Marry" - Nikki Williams
This is an incredibly weird song, not even particularly good. Obvious they picked the title, knew it would get attention, and then wrote the song around it.

The Super Bowl is Poop

Another Great Game
I feel like I have written this every single year but this was another exciting Super Bowl. I guess I am going to have to let go of the fact that nearly every Super Bowl for the first 20 years of my viewing experience was a blowout. Starting with Rams-Titans, practically every game since then has at least been tense and fun to watch. Now I wouldn’t classify this game as great, not in the class of Giants-Patriots I or Steelers-Cardinals, but it certainly was a lot of fun and a game we will all remember for a long time.

No Such Thing as Momentum
The most popular thing to talk about surrounding this game seems to be how the 49ers were suddenly given a tremendous lift by the unexpected 34-minute blackout delay. The poor Ravens who were dominating the game until that point suddenly lost focus and never regained it. It’s bullshit. Thank god the 9ers didn’t win so we don’t have to listen to this crap for all eternity. Did the long halftime show not give the 49ers a boost? That big pause in the game certainly didn’t help them on the opening kickoff when the Ravens, robbed of their momentum, were still able to muster a kickoff return for a touchdown. And then when the lights came back on, the 49ers failed to convert a 3rd and 13. Momentum didn't help them there. The 49ers came back because they are a good team, and they have fallen behind and come back before. They made plays, nothing to do with the blackout.

Controversial Calls
There were a number of controversial calls by officials and coaches in this game that are worth examining.
Michael Crabtree was clearly held/interfered with on that 4th down pass from the 5-yard line late in the game. I guess there is a new rule, The Golden (Tate) Rule, when officials stop calling penalties late in close games at key situations. Obvious penalty, horrible no-call.

There was also a horrible no ejection when the Ravens Cary Williams blatantly shoved an official.

And how about the horrible call for running into the kicker? David Akers missed the kick, saw a guy behind him and flopped. He was falling even before he was touched. The officials bailed him out and gave Akers another shot, which he made.

John Harbaugh made the right move going for the safety at the end of the game. I also like his fake punt early in the game. It didn't work out but if it had it would have been a dagger in the 49ers back. And the risk wasn't all that great, it still pinned the 9ers deep.
Jim Harbaugh made a questionable decision going for 2 with 10 minutes left. Normally I would say kick and be down by 1 in the first three quarters, but the first part of the 4th quarter is a real gray area. A good case could be made either way.
Jim's biggest failing was the play-calling on that late sequence when the 9ers came up short. With time only a small factor I would have tried a Kaepernick designed run, a draw, to at least get the ball a little closer, if not score the TD.

The voters also made a questionable decision giving the MVP award to Joe Flacco over Jacoby Jones. If it had been a most outstanding player, or most spectacular, Jones would have gotten it, but because of value, the way Flacco controlled the game earned him the award.

A Crazy Game for Box Pools
Almost every Super Bowl spectator participates in some kind of box pool. And I never remember as much intrigue involving the numbers that were seemingly locked up, then ripped away. Obviously the decision to take the safety at game's end stole thousands of dollars from people with 4, 9.
Those of us with 8, 0 got screwed at the end of the 3rd when David Akers was given a re-kick with 3 minutes to go. That might not have mattered had Ray Rice not fumbled a minute earlier. If he holds onto that ball, even if Ravens had to punt, any other 3rd quarter scoring play was unlikely.
The half ended with a FG to give the money to those who held 1, 6, but that wasn't really an unusual or unfair play. Not like the one that happened a few minutes earlier, the aforementioned fake punt, though it came with lots of time to play, it certainly affected the outcome of those crazy box pools.

Joe Millionaire
Joe Flacco picked a pretty good time to have the best postseason for any quarterback in history. He's a free agent and likely to get a long-term deal with average annual salaries of $20M. The guy is not a great regular season quarterback, he's very good but has never had more than 25 TDs or fewer than 10 interceptions. He's not in the class of Peyton Manning, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers. But now all four of these quarterbacks have exactly one Super Bowl ring. Flacco has won at least one playoff game in all 5 of his NFL seasons. With Ray Lewis retiring (he says) and Ed Reed leaving (possibly), the defense may be weakened to the point where the Ravens offense will have to produce even more. But now they know they have a quarterback who can perform well enough to win the Super Bowl. And that's why they're going to lock him up for big money.

The End of the Road
The career and personal life of Ray Lewis is complicated and varied. Yes, he was involved in a horrible incident, but there's no reason to believe he did anything other than aid his friends, which on its face isn't that bad, except when you realize he helped them avoid apprehension for a murder. But since then, he has been an exemplary character, a great player and a good ambassador for the league. He may have taken a questionable substance so he could more quickly return to health for this "last ride" but that remains to be seen. I will always remember Lewis as a great player, a dominant linebacker and a fun player to watch and listen to.

Super Bowl Ads

I thought this was a pretty weak crop this year. No real standout laugh out loud funny ones.

"Brotherhood" - Budweiser
They always have a good Clydesdales ad, this one was really sweet.



"Miracle Stain" - Tide
I love this satire of the dumbest thing in American culture in the last 10 years, the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. "Stain on a stick!"



"Fashionista Daddy" - Doritos
Fathers who have daughters can relate to this one.



"Whole Again" - Jeep
Narrated by Oprah Winfrey, a pretty nice ad.



"Space Babies" - Kia
Pretty funny description of where babies come from.



"Goat 4 Sale" - Doritos



"Deion Sanders Returns" - NFL
Leon Sandcastle



"Prom" - Audi
It was totally worth it.



"Viva Young" - Taco Bell
"Nosotros somos jovenes." I guess the song really was in Spanish. I didn't pick this up the first time.



"Get Happy" - VW
The only borderline racist commercial in this year's Super Bowl. I didn't find it offensive, actually found it mildly amusing, but not necessarily a great ad for VW. "Respect bossman!"



"Big Kiss" - Go Daddy
I read where they had to do 65 takes of this.

Weekly Picks

Ending a horrible season on something of a positive note. When I started doing these picks every week they really were golden. But the last few seasons have been horrible. And I have thought about giving up, but being bad isn't a reason to quit. So I guarantee I will be back with this feature every week next season.

San Francisco -4 1/2 Baltimore
I am actually quite nervous about this because I am predicting scores like 21-17, 20-16, 23-20, something in there. But if I'm going to err a little bit, I'll err on the side of the 9ers winning this a little bit bigger. So 21-16 is my official score prediction.

Last Week: 1-1 (2 points)
Season: 43-52 (35 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (6-14)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (15-23)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (6-4)
Road Favorites: 1-0 (12-15)
Road Underdogs: 0-0 (10-10)

Super Bowl Prop Bets

This is always a fun post to do, check out the props and pick some of your own in the comments section.

MVP: Colin Kaepernick 8/5
I think the 49ers are going to win the game and if they do there is a very good chance Kaepernick will win the MVP. Even if the defense dominates, it’s unlikely there will be one standout. And by default the idiots who pick these things will go with the quarterback on the winning team.

First Player to score a TD: Anquan Boldin 17/2, Torrey Smith 17/2
I think these are pretty long odds, for these guys. I know running backs are always surer things but I’ll take both of them and see what happens.

Longest Reception – Torrey Smith: Over 28 ½ yards (-125)
I know the Ravens are at least going to try to go downfield to Smith. 29 yards doesn’t seem that long to me.

Total Tackles and Assists - Ray Lewis: Under 11 1/2 (+105)
That's a lot of tackles. In order for this to happen the 49ers would have to be running the ball up the middle a lot.

Total Rushing Yards - Colin Kaepernick: Over 50 1/2 (-115)
He had a huge game against the Packers, and barely ran against the Falcons. This is a tricky number because he will probably have to break one long one (20+) to get there, but I say he will.

Will Michael Crabtree score a touchdown: No (-115)
I feel this is going to be a low scoring game, with more of the focus on the 49ers running game. Sure it's possible Crab will grab one, but at nearly even odds, no looks like a good bet.

Who will have more receiving yards? Torrey Smith +12 1/2 Michael Crabtree (-115)
Maybe I'm mistaken here but I see the Ravens throwing the ball a little more often, and going deep more often. One big one for Smith makes this a good bet.

LeBron James Rebounds & Assists -3 1/2 Ray Lewis Tackles and Assists (-120)
Again this is a play on Lewis having only about 8 or 9 tackles. LeBron could easily mess around and get a triple double against the Raptors.

Blake Griffin Points and Rebounds pick'em Ray Rice receiving yards (-115)
I'm looking at 25 easy for Griffin and there's a good chance Rice only gets one or two short receptions.

How long will it take Alicia Keys to sing the National Anthem? Under 2:10 (-160)
It's actually a very short song and even the long drawn out versions seldom last more than 2 minutes. I think this line is easily exploitable.

Will Beyonce be joined by Jay Z on Stage during the Super Bowl Half Time Show? Yes (-105)
I have read that Jay-Z is going to be there and requested $5,000 worth of booze for his dressing room. I also read that Beyonce demanded that Blue Ivy's $20,000 crib be shipped from New York and that a room for her be kept at 78.8 degrees and filled with rose-scented candles. But if he's going to be there, he might as well do "Crazy in Love."

How many times will Jack Harbaugh be shown on TV? Under 2 1/2 (+135)
I've been following props like this for some time and seems like the Super Bowl production teams just don't do this as much as we think they would. Now, if one of the quarterbacks were dating Katherine Webb, that would be a different story.

How long will the post game handshake/hug last between Jim & John Harbaugh? Over 6 seconds (-120)
This is a no-brainer. It starts from the moment they touch until the moment they release. So if they handshake, hug, then break while still holding, they could easily break 10 seconds.

What Color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? Red 13/2
I am thinking the 49ers are going to win, so I'll hope some clever 49ers sideline guy will have a bucket full of Red gatorade.

Darren Rovell tweets on Super Bowl Sunday? Over 104 1/2 (-115)
Not sure if you follow him but Rovell is the most prolific narcissist on Twitter. He might even do 200.

This is How You Do Local News

I have a lot of respect for local news reporters who go out in the field everyday and report, often with morons, trying to get into their shots to be on TV. We've seen reporters insult and even assault these morons, but nothing beats what Jessica Sanchez did to this moron on Bourbon Street.



"So how long have you had an STD?"
Brilliant!

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted

Sharon Osgood wired $5,900 to a man in Florida in exchange for 4 Super Bowl tickets.
Instead she got an envelope with a piece of paper with a picture of both Super Bowl quarterbacks on it. The message underneath read: "Enjoy the game!!!! Go Ravens!!! LOL."
I'm sorry Osgood got robbed (and it is a crime) but I don't really feel badly for her because she should have fuckin better known better.
1) She bought them on Craiglist
2) She was asked to wire the money
3) The seller lived in Florida but claimed to be a Ravens season ticket holder
4) The seller couldn't go to the game because his wife is 8 months pregnant
All of those things combined should have made it a dead giveaway that this was a scam. To make matters worse, this moron is now getting rewarded for being such a dupe. The CEO of Ticketmaster is giving her 4 tickets. That's a very bad message to send, be a moron, don't worry if you get scammed, just get some media attention for your plight and someone will pity you.
I say let Mrs. Osgood and all other fools out there learn this lesson the hard way. Tough love.

Maybe We Can Sweep Together

A funny trend that started on a brilliant episode of Seinfeld, "The Lip Reader," has now become an internet sensation.

It's called "Bad Lip Reading." The NFL version is hilarious



The spoof of Beyonce's Inauguration performance, entitled "La Fway" was also amusing, if a little bit too long.

Song of the Week

"Thrift Shop" - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
A very odd song, certainly not the highest quality musically or lyrically. But it's unique, and I like that it mocks our societal ill of placing value on expensive clothes.

Giselle In Training

Last year after the Super Bowl the hottest Patriot wife, Giselle, popped off angrily about the other Patriots, including Wes Welker, being unable to catch the ball.
After the AFC Championship game this year, it was the second hottest Patriot wife, Anna Burns Welker who ran her mouth off on Facebook:

"Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis' Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay. What a hall of fame player! A true role model!"

She later apologized but Ray Lewis responded anyway, using a Bible verse of course, but not the one about the weapon. "Even a fool is counted wise until he opens his mouth."

But as far as I am concerned Mrs. Welker can do wrong. But, those aren't brains:

I Wish Lenny Dykstra Were My Dad

The Poop's favorite actress, Jamie-Lynn Sigler is now engaged, to Cutter Dykstra, son of Lenny Dykstra, the man they call nails on the Mets ballclub.
She is 31 and on the hysterical new NBC sitcom, "Guys With Kids."
He is 23 and in the minor leagues for the Washington Nationals.
The groom's father is currently in prison but will hopefully be out in time for the wedding.

Here's the picture the couple posted on Twitter to announce their engagement:

Chris Brown Should Be Locked Up

Chris Brown obviously hasn't learned any kind of lesson from the ass-kicking he gave Rihanna. His latest violent incident victimized someone who can actually sing, Poop favorite, Frank Ocean.
Details are sketchy at this point but it seems they argued over a parking space at a recording studio in Los Angeles. Entourages got involved and Brown reportedly punched Ocean in the face.
Brown didn't stick around long enough for the cops to arrive, which is why Ocean is being reported as the victim.
Brown's entourage says Ocean started it by talking shit and blocking in Brown's car. They also probably think Rihanna was asking for it.
But I actually hope it did happen that way. I would hate to see Brown continuing to be have in an aggressive and violent manner.
And I certainly hope he didn't hurl and homophobic slurs at Ocean, though I wouldn't be surprised.

What Do You Give Me For? The Icing on a Hostess Cupcake and Jack Lew's Signature

Jack Lew will likely be the next Treasury Secretary of the United States, which means his signature would be on all new paper money. Yes, that's his real signature. How much does it look like the icing on one of those delicious cupcakes by Hostess that are temporarily (I hope) not in stores while Hostess is looking for a buyer for its brands.

Take Another Little Piece of My Childhood

Over the years I have often been asked why I became a Redskins fan in a family full of Giants fans. Maybe it was because they were Giants fans. But I know I loved the city of Washington (hate it now), John Riggins and the big offensive lineman known as the Hogs.
But I also know I loved the Hogettes. Now those Redskins fans are hanging up their pig noses and ladies' dresses. They will still come to games, but dressed in jerseys and other licensed team apparel. They will still do their charity work. But the era is over.

Bourn To Run

I can’t believe I have to keep doing this (and maybe I don’t since most, if not all readers of this blog are on board) but it seems the dumb faction of Mets fans (Yankees fans in the wrong colors) are agitating for the Mets to sign Michael Bourn.
Bourn turned down $13m this year to stay with the Braves, so he’ll probably hope to get even more than that per year for a deal of 3 or 4 years.
Bourn is 30 and not even a particularly good player. He is below average offensively. His OPS+ for the last two years was 85 and 99 (100 is league average). He has zero power, and his on-base isn’t even good. He’s never been above .355 which is basically the minimum you could accept from a leadoff hitter.
If the Mets were so desperate for a leadoff hitter they should have kept Jose Reyes. He was a much better offensive player, at a more important position, though not as stellar defensively. His contract was for more years and slightly more money than what Bourn would probably get, but it would carry them to the same age 34 season. The Mets got only a 2nd round pick for Reyes (more on this in a moment). They made the right decision allowing Reyes to leave, now it's time to follow through on that plan.
I understand Bourn's WAR over the past 4 years (4.9, 4.7, 4.1 & 6.4) has been fantastic. Those numbers have been boosted by exceptional fielding and base-running numbers, which I acknowledge are important. But they can be very fickle, fluctuating wildly, and a move to a new park could incite a change in his defensive metrics. Though you would expect a speedy center fielder to be even better in a big park like CitiField.

Michael Bourn's excellent glove could add several wins for the Mets, but they'd still be a 4th place team

Even if you could guarantee Bourn would add 5 wins to the Mets, and they could get 5 wins from other improvements (highly doubtful), that would still make the Mets an 84-win team, good enough for 3rd in the stacked NL East, at best. That's the complicating factor when analyzing the cost and value of wins on the open market. Wins that help a team improve from 70-something wins to the low-80s are of very little additional value. It's those wins that boost a team from the low and mid-80s into the playoffs that bring in additional millions.
Now remember another extenuating circumstance, the Mets would have to surrender their first round pick, the 11th overall in the draft as compensation for signing Bourn. This is a little tricky because the CBA states that for players in Bourn's class who were tendered by their teams the signing team would have to give up its highest pick as compensation, but the top 10 picks are protected. Technically, the Mets pick was 10th overall, but a pick was added because the Pirates didn't sign their pick, bumping the Mets down to #11, thus making it eligible to be forfeited for signing a player such as Bourn. The Mets have petitioned the league to get their pick protected because of this technicality, a challenge they are almost guaranteed to lose. But even if they do win, it would still be unwise.
Forget all the specifics, and look only at the broader picture: we have been here before, tried this strategy and it didn't work, it saddled the team with bad salaries and crippled us for years. Signing expensive free agents, especially ones who are barely above-average players (like Jason Bay) as they start to enter the age where their skills will decline, is a losing proposition. Yes, there's a strong chance the #11 draft pick will never play a single day in the major leagues, but as we have seen the teams that have built through the draft have built through the drafted have strong cores ready to contend for years. Teams that sign big-ticket free agents often end up struggling to get out from under those contracts for years, something I hoped the Mets were starting to get passed.

Send it in Jerome

Today was the 25th anniversary of one of my favorite plays ever, and favorite calls. Jerome Lane of Pittsburgh breaks the backboard with a dunk and Bill Raftery exclaims "Send it in Jerome!"
I was sure I had written previously about this play, but it was kind of buried in an NCAA Tournament thoughts, a couple months after the 23rd anniversary.



This play is so special to me that I wanted to name the child now known as Julian, Jerome. I don't even think I told Mrs. Poop why at first, but once she completely shut me down I think I showed her the clip. Didn't change her mind though.

But I don't think she knows I slipped this past her.

Thanks to JLeary for inspiring me to go back and check exactly what I had previously written about this blessed event.