Dog Farts

All dogs have gas. It's just part of having a pooch. If you are a dog owner, you learn to live with.
But CNN's Soledad O'Brien doesn't want to live with it.
O'Brien and other members of a Chelsea co-op board are trying to evict a beloved family pet from a the building because they say the dog is smelly and slobbers.
O'Brien, in a 20-page affidavit, complained about the pooch's "size, slobbering, shedding, drooling, gassiness and odors."
"She told me at a shareholder's meeting that my dog stinks," said Steven Lyons, owner of Ugo, a good-natured, 150-pound mastiff.
Lyons, an immigration lawyer, lives with his wife and their three kids in a loft three floors above the journalist on West 26th Street.
O'Brien, the co-op board's secretary, signed a notice on Jan. 5 that terminated the family's lease, the first legal step before asking a Housing Court judge to remove the dog or the family from the building.
"Her behavior has been particularly outrageous," Lyons said of O'Brien.
His wife, Monica Nelson, said, "She did get in my face."
"What's the matter? Aren't you talking to me?" she said O'Brien asked her.
Other board members ridicule Nelson by holding their noses when they ride the elevator with her - even when she's not with Ugo.
Lyons said neighbors had welcomed him to the building after he purchased his $3 million, 4,000-square-foot, eighth-floor apartment in 2003.
But that changed in March 2007 when he got the Neapolitan Mastiff, bred from an award-winning bloodline, in Turin, Italy. By that summer, a newly elected board had begun complaining, despite a co-op agreement allowing pets and the fact that several residents own cats.
Lyons said he began taking Ugo to a pet-grooming salon three times a month and spritzing him with an organic, orange-scented deodorizer. He also offered to use the freight elevator to walk the dog, but the board refused to allow it.
Soon the family will have to defend the dog in Housing Court.
"No family should have to decide between its own shelter and putting the family pet in a shelter," said Michael Schwartz, the family's lawyer.

Seems to me like the pet owners are doing the right thing here. They are regularly grooming the dog to eliminate the offending owner, and even offered a remedy to the situation.
A guy pays $3 million dollars for an apartment he should be allowed to have a smelly dog.
As a mother of four you'd think Soledad would understand better than to rip a beloved pet away from three small kids.
Maybe she needs to read "Walter the Farting Dog" to her kids.

Maybe Bikini Girl Was Just the Beginning

American Idol is suing an Austin, Texas strip club.
Palazio Men's Club hosts a weekly amateur stripping contest called "Stripper Idol."
Ads for the contest use a logo with a "color scheme, design and font" similar to the TV show's. Waitresses at the club also wear T-shirts emblazoned with the logo, according to the lawsuit.
The suit says "there is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."
And that's the key, will consumers be confused?
And that's why American Idol has no case. No one in their right mind is going to believe that this concert is in any way connected to the show.
So while the club is definitely profiting off the show's images and trademarks, I don't feel it is causing customer confusion.
Except when Katrina Darrell is on the show.

Fur is Murder

I recently got a Facebook friend request from an old friend from elementary and junior high school.
Problem is, she's wearing a fur coat in her profile picture.
I can't in good conscience be friends with someone who wears animals' skin on her back, can I?

Meadow's Side Boobie Action

A little SBA from Meadow. A great way to honor Martin Luther King Jr.

A Virgin? Honey Needed a Slap, Tryin To Tell Me She's a Virgin With Her Yea Wide Gap

A model dressed as the Virgin Mary poses during a performance in Santiago January 13, 2009. A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary -- in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts. The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun's plans for a show featuring the models, and a conservative group tried unsuccessfully to block it in court.

Weekly Picks

My season started off great, then hit a snag, now completely blew up in the playoffs with a 1-7 record. If I had done the pool I'd be out of the money contention. But we're not going to phone in the season. There's three games left and we're going to get them all right.

ARIZONA +3 1/2 philadelphia
I'm going with the Cardinals here because they totally changed their style of play once the playoffs started, and I don't believe it's a fluke. They are running the ball and playing great defense, the formula you need to win in the playoffs. They also have Larry Fitzgerald who has the ability to make that one game-changing play. Getting more than a field goal at home they seem like a good bet.

BEST BET
PITTSBURGH -5 1/2 baltimore
The analysis leading up to this game by the idiotic talking heads has gone like this "it's hard to beat a team three times in a season." How many times have you heard that this week. Problem is, it's complete nonsense. 18 times since 1970 a team has had a chance to sweep 3 games against a division rival in the same season. They did it 11 times, for a 61% winning percentage. Not overwhelming, but certainly not even close to an indicator that the Ravens will win. You know what's hard than beating a team that you already beat twice? Beating a team that already beat you twice. Why? Because they're probably better than you are. Since both teams have great defenses it's the offenses that will make the difference in this one and I'll take Ben Roethlisberger and Willie Parker over Joe Flacco and the Ravens running back committee. I said the same thing when these two teams played last, and true to my prediction Roethlisberger made the play to win the game (albeit a controversial one), and I think he'll do the same thing again. Though admittedly, this spread is larger than I'd like.


Last Week: 0-4 (-1 point)
Season: 45-48 (48 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (11-8)
Home Favorites: 0-3 (10-19)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (4-2)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (20-9)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (10-17)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

I Will Never Eat At This Restaurant

Mrs. Poop and I noticed this new restaurant in Ridgewood that looks pretty nice and decided we might like to eat there sometime. But when I drove by and noticed this sign, I declared I would never set foot in this place:



Smith Brother's? What a disgraceful lack of understanding of how to use the possessive form of a word. Obviously, all Poopheads know this sign should say Smith Brothers' Chop House, because it is owned by more than one Smith Brother.
Smith Brother's would only be correct if it was one of the Smith Brothers going out on his own. But in that case it would just be Smith's Chop House.
Disgraceful.

Methane Found on Mars

But not as much methane as comes out of Uranus.

She's Back

My beloved Minka Kelly (the hottest celebrity going right now, Meadow included) returns tonight as the third season of "Friday Night Lights" begins on NBC.
In case you don't know this part two of one of the greatest experiments in TV history.
FNL was on the verge of cancellation because of bad ratings, despite critical acclaim. But DirecTV swooped in with a deal. It would split costs with NBC in exchange for the rights to air the entire season before the first episode ever aired on NBC.
So the season of FNL beginning tonight on NBC has already been aired to DirecTV subscribers who are asked not issue spoilers.

Chase At Playgroup

Mrs. Poop takes Chase to a playgroup every Wednesday and this week Mem went along and shot video.

Chase asks Mem to pick him up, or bup or dup:



Chase steals a kiss:



Chase gets poked in the eye:



Chase and his friends sit in the parachute:

Poop Exclusive: Cockpit Recorder From US Airways Flight 1549

The Poop has obtained the cockpit voice recorder from US Airways Flight 1549 which landed safely in the Hudson River after birds flew into the engines.

Pilot Chesley Sullenberger: I'm going to land this plane in the Hudson River.
Control Tower: Surely you can't be serious.
Sullenberger: I am serious and don't call me Shirley.

If you don't get that joke, click here.

This Looks Like the Logo for That Fancy Italian Place

The Mets unveiled the new uniform patch they'll wear to commemorate the opening of CitiField.



But it looks a little like the logo for that fancy Italian place, the one Jerry Stiller refers to on "King of Queens" as "Duh-mean-ohs."



Even more embarrassing is that the Yankees introduced a beautiful elegant design for the patch in honor of their new stadium.

The Universe is Working Overtime

A few months ago I got an e-mail from a guy who lived on my floor freshman year of college, after not speaking to him for about 10 years.
We exchanged a couple of e-mails and he told me he lives in Hoboken. I mentioned that TON lives there too and he said he actually ran into TON once or twice but that TON wasn't very friendly and blew him off.
Anyway, when I got laid off and my e-mail was disconnected I lost his address.
I assumed that was the end of it since he had no way to contact me, and I had no way to get back to him.
But then the Universe intervened.
I saw him yesterday while walking across 7th Avenue to Penn Station. He screamed my name and we talked for a few minutes. I thought my story about not getting back to him because of the layoff might sound unbelievable to him, but he said he tried to send me something a couple weeks ago and when it got returned to him he knew I left the company, either voluntarily or not.
So he was thrilled to see me, gave me a big hug when we departed and took down my new e-mail address.
Sure it did take two months for us to meet up again, but he doesn't even work in the city so I guess the Universe just took its time arranging some kind of art seminar for him to go to.
Thanks again, Universe.

The NFL is Poop - Divisional Playoffs

Baltimore Ravens 13 Tennessee Titans 10
The Titans should be absolutely sick over losing this game. They absolutely dominated the game, but so many things went against them. They came up pointless on 5 drives inside the Ravens 35 yard line. There were 3 turnovers, a missed field goal and a turnover on downs (with a fumbled snap on 4th down). Any conversions there and the Titans probably win this game.
I also think the Titans got screwed by some bad officiating. The delay of game non-call was tough, but it wasn't as egregious as everyone has tried to make it out to be. Plus, it didn't effect the play, it was the Titans who screwed that one up.
The bigger problem was that the Ravens were playing a dirty game, hitting after the whistle, jumping on piles late, and trying to break Chris Johnson in half, and the refs never called anything.
And speaking of Chris Johnson, his injury really turned this game around. The Ravens couldn't stop him, but they were able to bottle up LenDale White.

Arizona Cardinals 33 Carolina Panthers 13
This was about as good an ass-kicking as a 10-point underdog will ever deliver in the playoffs. This game wasn’t even as close as the final score indicates.
Jake Delhomme is like this sometimes. He’s a pretty good quarterback who puts up great numbers but he’s always capable of a 6-turnover blowup that makes it impossible to win.
Larry Fitzgerald is quite plainly the best wide receiver in the NFL. Other guys put up numbers equal or even better than his. But no one does it the way he does. His ability to leap over two people and make a catch negates double-teams, it covers up for bad throws and it’s pretty fun to watch.

But what is really making the difference for the Cardinals in these two games is a complete transformation in style of play. They went from a finesse, passing team to a hard-nosed ball-hawking (9 takeways in 2 games), run-the-ball (43 carries) team.



Philadelphia Eagles 23 New York Giants 11
In the days leading up to this game Giants coach Tom Coughlin talked about the teams' last matchup and said if the Giants had converted a couple short fourth downs, the game would have been much different.
He is probably repeating that lament today. The Giants had two field goal misses which set them back and theoretically could count as failures on 4th down. But in the 4th quarter, with the game in reach they were stopped on 4th and 1 with Eli Manning trying to sneak it. Then on 4th and 2 a few minutes later Brandon Jacobs came up short; and that was the ball game.
But really Eli Manning set the tone for another Manning choke job when he tossed one to Asante Samuel to set up the Eagles first touchdown.
One the other hand, Donovan McNabb with less than impressive statistics, piloted his team to another playoff victory (9-5 all-time) despite have to throw the ball 40 times, because the Giants had shut down the Eagles running game.

Pittsburgh Steelers 35 San Diego Chargers 24
This game was mostly competitive through the first half, and the Chargers actually held a lead and kept the Steelers offense off the board for the first 29 minutes of the first half. But then Roethlisberger threw for over 100 yards on 2 consecutives drives (one to close the 1st half, one to open the 2nd half) for touchdowns. After the second one, Philip Rivers threw an interception (the Chargers only play from scrimmage in the third quarter) and by the time the Chargers caught their breath they were down 28-10 in the 4th quarter with no real chance to catch up.

What Exactly is She Doing With Her Hands?

The publicity photo for money.com's Poppy Harlow.
Shouldn't someone have noticed this and chosen a different shot?

Tina Fey Finally Gets That Pair of Globes She's Been Praying For Since She was 13 Years Old

The obviously insecure Tina Fey won another Golden Globe and used her acceptance speech to trash her critics. Those mean people on the internet who dare say bad things about her. They really hurt her feelings. Meanwhile this bitch spent the whole summer viciously attacking Sarah Palin and her family (and won AP Entertainer of the Year Award for doing the liberal media's bidding), yet those horrible people on the internet who call her flat-chested can "suck it."
I don't like hypocrites and I don't like flat-chested women. That's two strikes against you Tina.

Megan Fox Uses My Favorite Word (Non-Palindrome Category)

I love Megan Fox, I love that she used the word "doppelganger" but if there is one thing I hate more than a hot chick who knows she's hot, is a hot chick who knows she's hot but pretends she thinks she's ugly so that jealous women won't hate her.
Megan, we all see through your games.
Keep using "doppelganger," keep talking about Salma Hayek's boobs, but cut the shit.

Good Enough for AOL, But Not For Mrs. Poop

Referring to a woman's boobs as globes, golden or otherwise, was funny enough for AOL but not funny enough for Mrs. Poop?



Btw, PPD even tried to warn Mrs. Poop that Salma Hayek was the perfect target for this joke.

Also, I am so hurt that I lost another poll to Mrs. Poop. I can't believe 12 of you didn't think this joke would have helped Mrs. Poop's social acclimation. I can only imagine that you are doing this to hurt me. But why? I work so hard for you people and this is how you repay me?

Song of the Week

"Just Dance" - Lady Gaga
Normally the songs of the week are chosen only for the music and youtube video is just window dressing. But this one was chosen because this video is a must watch. Just check out Lady Gaga on Leno and I guarantee you won't be disappointed, especially not at 59 seconds in.

Killer Stretch

Syracuse is off to an incredible 16-1 start and is one full-court heave (followed by a good overtime) from being undefeated and ranked #2 in the country.
But all that could change as conference play heats up and SU faces a brutal 10-game stretch.
While I don't expect them to emerge from this gauntlet any better than 6-4, I do love this team.
I think they are perfectly composed with a great point guard, a solid big man, a deadeye outside shooter and a tough guy who makes the outside shots and drives to the hole when the team needs it most.
Here's my game-by-game predictions for the next ten games with dates, times and TV station (for TON who otherwise would not watch and would e-mail me in March to ask how SU is doing this year and if Allen Griffin is still on the team):

January 14 at No. 12 Georgetown 7:30 PM ET on ESPN2
Loss - It's going to be very hard to go on the road and win against the other top teams in this conference.

January 17 No. 13 Notre Dame 12:00 PM ET on ESPN
Loss - Even at home the 1-2 punch of Harangody and McAlarney may be too much for Syracuse to handle, especially because they are perfectly suited to destroy SU's zone, Harangody by getting in the middle of it, and McAlarney by shooting over it.

January 19 at No. 1 Pittsburgh 7:00 PM ET on ESPN
Loss - Pittsburgh will very likely still be undefeated and number one, could be very difficult to knock them off.

January 25 No. 20 Louisville 12:00 PM ET on SNY
Win - I'm not a big fan of this Louisville team and I think they already pulled off their big upset with that win over Notre Dame.

January 28 at Providence 7:00 PM ET not sure what channel
Win - The one soft spot in this stretch of games, even though right now they are 3-1 in the conference.

February 4 West Virginia 7:00 PM ET on ESPN
Win - This game may also be a breather. I don't think this team has the size to keep up with SU inside.

February 7 vs. No. 22 Villanova* 12:00 PM ET on ESPN
Win - I'm also not sold on Villanova. They still have Dante Cunningham and Scottie Reynolds but they also lack size inside. Due to the stupidest rule ever this game is considered a neutral site game, not a road game even though it's in Philadelphia.

February 11 at No. 4 Connecticut 7:00 PM ET on ESPN
Loss - It will be interesting to see how Arinze Onuaku and Hasheem Thabeet square off.

February 14 No. 12 Georgetown 12:00 PM ET on ESPN
Win - I don't see Georgetown coming into the Dome and winning. They have a good team, but not that good.

February 22 No. 22 Villanova 1:00 PM ET on CBS
Win - If they can beat Villanova in a "neutral site" game, they can beat them in the Dome.

Think I'm wrong? Post your own game by game predictions in the comments sections.

The Universe Brings Me a Funny Hat

I frequently carry on about the strange powers of the universe (I think this story would qualify as what people like Oprah call "the law of attraction" which states if you think of something, it will come to you) but this latest incident stunned even me.
I was watching "Sesame Street" with Chase (I'm obsessed, I DVR every episode and make sure Mrs. Poop saves them until I watch them. I love Telly but I hate his best friend Baby Bear) and we heard a delightful song honoring "T," the letter of the day. It was sung to the tune of "Hey There Delilah" and spoke of Tina who was wearing a "terrific Tam O' Shanter."
Now you should know that Sesame Street is not my only obsession, I'm also frequently consulting the internet so that I can identify on sight styles of facial hair, airport codes and types of hats.
Since the Tam O'Shanter is one of my favorites I sent Mrs. Poop the wikipedia page dedicated to this cool chapeau.
The next day we were at the grocery store and we saw a man in the parking lot wearing a terrific tam o'shanter.
What are the odds?
I know you non-believers will say someone in a tam o'shanter walks by me everyday and I only noticed this time because I was thinking about this hat.
But I dispute that. First of all, no one wears a tam o'shanter anymore. Second, I would always notice one. Third, I'm always thinking about tam o'shanters.
This was just the universe's way of telling me to keep believing.

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,777

I sent Mrs. Poop an e-mail warning her that President Bush would preempt Thursday night television with his farewell address.
Here is her reply, in its entirety:

"Mother Fucker."

Eddy Curry Accused of Gay Sexual Harrassment

From the NY Post:

Knicks center Eddy Curry was slapped with a shocking sex-harassment suit Monday by his former driver, who claims the 6-foot-11 hoopster tried to solicit gay sex from him.
The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."
Curry also made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says.
Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racial discrimination, saying that Curry hurled slurs at him including "f---ing Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

And in a disturbing episode reminiscent of some of the evidence in the manslaughter case against former Nets star Jayson Williams, Kuchinsky further claims in his suit that Curry pointed a "fully loaded" gun at him on at least two separate occasions to keep him from complaining about his treatment.
"Look, I have one in the chamber," Curry allegedly said.
Kuchinsky, who worked for Curry from October 2005 through October 2008, says he was initially hired as an around-the-clock chauffeur for Curry and his family at their Burr Ridge, Ill., mansion.
But shortly after starting work, he soon found his duties fell well outside his job description and "progressively became Curry's "house-boy,'" his suit says. He is seeking $98,000 plus compensatory damages from the injured Knick, whose contract pays him $9.4 million this year.
Kuchinsky says he is owed $68,000 in unpaid wages, as well as $25,000 in expenses for which Curry never repaid him.
"Instead of paying him, they discriminated against him, figuring that it would keep him there," said Kuchinsky's lawyer, Matthew Blit. "Imagine going into your boss's office ... and he stands up and drops his pants and he asks you take care of him. Those actions are unacceptable whether it's in a corporate office or a private home."

Story suggested by SCZA who is too busy laundering dirty towels before his wife gets home to post it himself

Somebody Call the Hearse, Cuz We Be Killin Em

Donovan McNabb picks up the phone on the Giants sideline during the Eagles 23-11 win over the Giants.
It wasn't the most sportsmanlike act, but I don't consider it a big deal. I think it was a show of his goofy sense of humor, not his brash arrogance.



The win over the Giants improved McNabb's playoff record to 9-5 all-time, he just never pieced enough of those wins together to win a Super Bowl.
But still Eagles fans won't accept him. They have turned on him three times (when he was drafted, after the Super Bowl including his feud with Terrell Owens, and then again this year when he was benched against the Eagles). And every time McNabb came back and ignored the ingrates.
I think Eagles fans who booed him on draft day have been looking for reasons to hate him so they never have to admit they were wrong.


Here's the video of the phone incident and McNabb's reaction to it:

Congratulations to Freedo

All year Freedo has run his big mouth about his Penn State Shittaly Lions, and while he was wrong about them, he was right about a lot of other things. Freedo was the only one bold enough to throw his hat into the College Bowl Mania ring with Pizza Parlor Derek and me, and Freedo was a resounding winner.

He nailed 20 of the 34 games, a passable 59%. But based on his confidence rankings he came up with 387 points, coming in the 87th percentile among the thousands who played the game on espn.com.

And he would have done even better if his pride and loyalty had made him pick Penn State, even though he knew they were going to get killed. And he even assigned 24 to that game, which showed he knew they were going to lose.

As for me, I was horrible. Freedo absolutely killed me, I sucked. I got only 11 games right, for 206 points. 94% of the people who played beat me. What a disaster.

I hope next year more of you will take the chance to embarrass me by playing in the bowl challenge next year.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Mrs. Poop will be attending a Golden Globes party at our neighbor's house (they became friends through Facebook, babies and mutual stalking). Mrs. Poop is not going to know anyone there besides the neighbor, so I suggested a little ice breaker she should use.
When she sees an actress showing off her big boobies, I told her to say "look at her Golden Globes."

Weekly Picks

A playoff disaster that may be hard to recover from struck last week as Peyton Manning and his merry men choked again. Last week we had a bunch of close games that were tough to call and in several cases the better team was on the road. This week the big boys come out to play and the spreads are bigger.

TENNESSEE -3 baltimore
This is a counter-intuitive play. It seems to me every time I make the popular pick I lose. So even though it looks like the Ravens are a dominant defense again I’m going to guess that Kerry Collins can do what he did twice already this year (against the Bears and Jaguars) when the running game was shut down, and throw over the top of the defense.

CAROLINA -9 ½ arizona
I won’t go with two against the grain picks. I think the Cardinals performance last week (running and stopping the run) was a fluke. I think the Panthers can run right over them and by virtue of a ball-control offense, keep it away from Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald.

san diego +6 PITTSBURGH
I wanted one underdog here and I think the Chargers are the underdog most likely to win (after the Ravens who I’m not picking for reasons discussed above). I know the Steelers have a great defense and are very tough to be at home but the Chargers are playing great right now. Philip Rivers continues to play like one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL (he was the top-rated QB this year) and it turns out the Chargers may not need LaDanian Tomlinson as much as we thought they did. My only fear is that Darren Sproles will get hit hard by either James Harrison or Troy Polamalu and get knocked out of the game.

BEST BET
NEW YORK GIANTS -4 ½ philadelphia
I’m not giving up on the Giants just yet. They are the Super Bowl Champions and they were the best team through ¾ of the season. They haven’t brought their A game for a few weeks now but I think they will be able to get their running game going against the Eagles which will open things up for Eli Manning. But I guess there is always the possibility that Eli Manning is a choker like his brother, both of whom had just one lucky year. But I also worry about the Eagles, and Donovan McNabb, because of their tendency to come up small in big games. Plus Papa Poop and Master Bates are going to this game and I don’t want to have to root against them.

Last Week: 1-3 (0 points)
Season: 45-44 (49 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (11-7)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (10-16)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (4-2)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (20-9)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (10-16)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

Most Delicious Prank Ever

Rookie Jason Thompson of the Sacramento Kings failed to fulfill his obligations as a rookie. For failing to bring the bagels, this was his punishment, if you can call this a punishment.



The key to taking a prank is to act like it doesn't bother you. I would have just sat there and ate the popcorn until it was gone.

Aren't Genetics Wild?

I recently got a most distressing e-mail from Master Bates:

"Had my first ever Target popcorn today and it came nowhere close to the hype you built up. In fact I threw out a lot of it as it was not good."

At first I thought maybe he just got a bad batch, but then I remembered Target popcorn is popped fresh every 30 minutes, and there have been times when Mrs. Poop has gotten Target popcorn in the morning, and I ate it at 6 pm, and it was still delicious. So that couldn't be it.
Then I considered maybe Master Bates was raised to dislike delicious popcorn. But since we were raised by the same parents, in the same house, the same room even, we must have been exposed to the same things growing up.
So maybe nature in the age old nature vs. nurture debate was the reason Master Bates didn't like Target Popcorn.
So I called Mama Poop and she said she loves Target Popcorn too.

Therefore the only conclusion one can make is: Master Bates is adopted.

Aren't Genetics Wild?

Jessica Alba and her mom

My How He's Grown

Chase on New Year's Day 2008:




Chase on New Year's Day 2009:

When He Wasn't Saying How Great Tim Tebow Is

Thom Brennaman after a hard tackle by Florida Gators safety Major Wright:

"When Major Wright hits you, you feel it in a major wrong way."

Somewhere Tim McCarver smiled and thought "so Thom did get my e-mail."

Everybody Wants a Handout

In a letter to Congress filled with cheesy puns like "sagging economy" and "limp sales" Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild Creator Joe Francis asked for a $5 billion bailout for the porn industry.
"The government is handing out money. They're moving toward a nationalized economy, and Larry and I felt we might as well be a part of it."
"People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt added in a statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."
"I'd like to know what Obama would say," Francis mused. "I bet he's a Girls Gone Wild fan...If we're invited [to the White House], then we'll go."
Obviously the media is all over this story and reporting with such seriousness that you'd think these guys are really expecting Congress to even consider this.
Obviously, this is just a publicity stunt, but it's a pretty funny one.

By the way, Larry Flynt is the perpetrator of one of the funniest agitations I've ever heard of. Flynt sends every issue of Hustler to all 535 members of Congress. Some have asked the deliveries be stopped, some have even sought legal action, but the public is allowed to seek redress from Congress. So basically Congressmen are required to receive and open mail from citizens, whether they like it or not.

I Want To See These Pictures

A woman in England received a huge surprise five weeks after doctors told her she was pregnant – she found out she has two reproductive systems and her baby is growing in one of her two wombs.
Lindsay Hasaj is one of very few women who are known to have that kind of anatomy, but doctors are confident she will have a normal pregnancy.
Her condition, known as uterus didelphys, means she has two wombs, two cervixes and two vaginas. It also means her chances of getting pregnant were cut in half.
The condition can make the wombs and cervixes weaker than having one of each, but with regular check-ups, she should be fine.
She never knew she had the condition because she is normal externally, her vagina has one opening, but it divides into two internally.
I guess this is the female version of diphallic terata.

There is Nothing Sexy About Breastfeeding

Facebook is currently involved in a boobie controversy.
The site flagged the photos of women breast-feeding as obscene.
Now angry mothers are picketing the site's headquarters, creating groups like "Hey Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene" and flooding the site with breastfeeding images (11,500 of them) out of spite.
"We challenge the notion that women's breasts are dangerous or sexual, especially in the context of breast-feeding," said Stephanie Muir, organizer of the virtual "nurse-in."
That's a sentiment I completely agree with.
"We've made a visible areola the determining factor," said Facebook spokesman Barry Schnitt, who stressed that the company supports breast-feeding. "It is a common standard."
Also a sentiment I agree with.
Look Facebook has to draw the line somewhere and I guess exposed nipple is a good place to do it.
No one would argue that these sluts who post pictures of themselves wearing nothing but a smile (but covering their nipples with their hands) aren't closer to obscenity than breastfeeding pics, but in this case Facebook can't be expected to review every photo.
And it shouldn't be a fundamental right for site users to be allowed to post these pictures.
And why are women posting them anyway? Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, a wonderful thing that not everyone needs to see.

Song of the Week

"Worst That Could Happen" - Johnny Maestro and the Brooklyn Bridge
Sticking with the oldies theme this week for one of the greatest love songs ever written. Listen to this classic performance from the Ed Sullivan Show in 1968. You can hear the lament in Johnny Maestro's voice.
"Baby, if he loves you more than me, maybe it's the best thing for you..."

Talk Amongst Yourselves, I'll Pick the Topic

Few topics seem to generate as much feedback around these parts as MMA does.
So let me pose a question that should spark some debate:
Who among Anderson Silva, Rashad Evans or Brock Lesnar will be the first (and last) to lose a match?
Silva is the best fighter in the world right now, Evans has never lost and Lesnar is just a beast.
I think Evans will be the first to lose. Even though he already has 8 wins in the UFC there are some holes in his game, specifically, he's never even tried a submission. Plus there are some really good contenders in the 205 division including Rampage Jackson and maybe even Anderson Silva moving up for a superfight (too bad UFC doesn't have catch weights).
I think Lesnar is an absolute monster who should tear through the heavyweight division, I think it's possible (but not likely) that someone could eventually be able to catch him in some kind of submission (though I doubt it would be a choke because I don't think anyone has arms long enough to wrap around his neck).
That leaves me with Anderson Silva. I don't see any way someone can beat this guy. He's got 8 straight wins in the UFC and hasn't lost in 3 years, and that was a disqualification. Plus, Silva seems kind of bored with UFC and may retire after just a couple more fights, even though he supposedly has 6 fights left on his contract.
So I predict Evans gets in one maybe two title defense before he loses.
Lesnar wins about 6 or 8 fights before someone catches him.
And Silva fights 4 more times and retires without ever losing again.

The NFL is Poop - Wild Card Playoffs

Arizona Cardinals 30 Atlanta Falcons 24
The Cardinals beat the Falcons by beating them at their own game. And doing it from the get-go. The Cardinals set the tone for this game on their second drive. They tried three passes on their first possession and went 3-and-out. They started their second drive with 3 runs, 6, 9 and 6 yards. After softening up the defense, the Cardinals used a flea flicker for a touchdown. Though that touchdown was more the result of Larry Fitzgerald’s incredible athleticism, than it was duping a defense which was committed to the run. And the Cardinals also got tough on defense bottling up Michael Turner for most of the game. But despite that impressive style of play, the Cardinals were still in trouble in this one until the ball landed in Antrell Rolle’s lap and he returned the fumble 27 yards for a touchdown to give the Cardinals a 21-17 lead. After that the Falcons went 5 possessions in which they lost 6 yards total, got intercepted and sacked in the end zone for a safety.

San Diego Chargers 23 Indianapolis Colts 17
The best game of the weekend but it was also marred by some questionable officiating and some horrible play. Neither team seemed like they wanted to win this game. But beyond the play-by-play of this one is the remarkable downside of the careers of two of the greatest players of this decade. Let’s look at Peyton Manning for instance, sure he had one great year, but take that out, and he’s 3-8 lifetime in the playoffs. That’s an atrocious record. And several of those games were home games, or games the Colts should have won. Yes, he shook the choker label by winning the Super Bowl, but he is far from clutch. And it sure seems like the window is closing on these Colts teams. And the career of LaDanian Tomlinson maybe be on an even sharper slide. For the second year in a row Tomlinson sat on the sidelines looking utterly disinterested while this team won a playoff game. In the NFL, teams have to be quick to get rid of aging high-priced stars (better a year too soon than a year too late) because of the salary cap. Running backs usually fade early, and very quickly (remember Shaun Alexander?). And the great performance of Darren Sproles will give the Chargers even more reason to consider cutting Tomlinson loose (I bet they wish they’d kept Michael Turner). Sproles just goes to show that size is overrated, if a guy is fast but small maybe he can’t carry 20 times a day right up the middle, but if you use him properly he can become a great asset.

Baltimore Ravens 27 Miami Dolphins 9
Absolute domination by the Ravens. And crashing down came the Cinderella season of the Dolphins and especially Chad Pennington. In 2 games against the Ravens Pennington through 5 interceptions, in 15 games against the rest of the league he threw 6. But it started when the Ravens shut down the Dolphins running game (Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown combined for 36 yards) and took the lead. That forced the Dolphins to pass more often than they would like (38 attempts for Pennington). In each of the last 3 seasons a team that played on the first weekend of the playoffs went on to winner the Super Bowl. If that trend continues I think it will be the Ravens. They have a dominating defense, a powerful running game and in Joe Flacco, a Roethlisberger-esque young QB who isn’t great, but doesn’t screw it up and makes enough plays to win.

Philadelphia Eagles 26 Minnesota Vikings 14
And Eagles fans love Donovan McNabb again. It should be pointed out for all the criticism he gets McNabb is 6-0 in his career in his first round playoff game. Coach Andy Reid is 7-0, because he won one game with Jeff Garcia at the helm. Unfortunately for them they’re 1-3 in NFC championship games and 0-1 in the Super Bowl. A lot of people criticize the Eagles for an imbalanced pass-run breakdown but they really started to have success in this game when they abandoned the run. The Vikings completely stuff their rushing game so they started throwing on every down, to great success. After two pretty good drives that didn’t turn into anything because of horrid starting field position, the Eagles broke through when Brian Westbrook sprung free for a 71-yard touchdown. And the Vikings couldn't come back because, frankly, Tarvaris Jackson sucks. This team needs to figure out something fast because 21 of their starters are good enough to be a really good team, but neither Gus Frerotte nor Jackson is good enough to lead them anywhere. If they can get their hands on Donovan McNabb, they'd probably get at least one round further in the playoffs next year.

Big Night Out

Ever since she read the book, Mrs. Poop has been dying to see "Twilight." For whatever reason she wasn't able to go when her equally-obsessed work buddies went, so it fell on me to take her.
And so that I could greater share the experience with her (and bill it as a Hannukah present) I read the book first.
We had planned to go see it while in Connecticut over the Christmas holiday but when that didn't work out we enlisted Mama Poop to babysit so we could go.
We decided to go out to dinner first because we never get to leisurely enjoy a meal anymore. Turns out we didn't get to enjoy a leisurely meal this time either. The wait was 45 minutes so we had about an hour before our movie started. Plus, my stomach was rumbling. If we hadn't already bought the tickets I might have wanted to go home. But halfway through the movie it calmed down so I was fine.
Showtime was listed as 8:20 but you know the movie doesn't start until at least 8:30 so we were shocked to find a theater almost completely packed at 8:10, especially considering the movie has been out for 6 weeks.
We couldn't find two seats together anywhere, not even in the lower part of the auditorium where you have to strain your neck looking up at the screen.
We decide to go outside and get help from an usher (old man move #1), part of me thinking that we're going to have to ask for our money back and really ruin Mrs. Poop's big night out.
But when we get back in the theater I see some douche with a pile of coats on a chair (how inconsiderate are you if you take up a seat in a crowded theater with your jacket?) a few seats down from an empty seat. I point it out to the usher who demands those people pick up their coats, everyone else slides down one, and we're in prime seating location.
Except on my left is some smart-mouthed kid. He had to be 10 or 11 years old, I'm not even sure he wasn't with his parents, but he would not stop talking. He wasn't whispering, he was talking. And all stupid comments, like calling Edward a stalker for the creepy way he was looking at Bella.
So I leaned over putting my face right in his and said "stop talking" (old man move #2). He looked at me, I glared at him and he didn't say another word the rest of the movie.
Thankfully I didn't have to go to the bathroom during the movie because of my enlarged prostate, that would have been three old man strikes against me.
I liked the movie a lot better than the book because they cut out a lot of the girly sappy crap and replaced it with action and fight scenes.
It's very challenging to turn a beloved book into a movie, because books don't always translate (especially when most of the action takes place inside the character's head) and because they'd be 5 hours long if the script was adhered to exactly as the book is written.
But I think they did an excellent job of skipping things, combining things and rearranging things to cover all crucial plot points while not omitting anything important or cool.
Also, some aspects, like the vampires' powers and the scenic mountains and trees appeared better on the big screen than in your mind.
Plus Mike Dexter played Edward Cullen's dad.
Other than that all the casting was great, Edward was perfectly creepy, Bella was perfectly awkward and the girl who played Jessica was absolutely perfect as a teenage girl ("this dress makes my boobs look awesome").
When the movie ended I looked at Mrs. Poop and she said "we are definitely getting this on DVD."
She liked it, I liked it and we had a nice night out, with no Chase for once.

Paulo's Book Club: "Twilight"

"Twilight" is a story about a teenage love, told from a teenage girl's perspective, and the main character is a teenage girl.
If you are not a teenage girl (or never were) this book may not be for you.
It's not really a book about vampires. Edward Cullen being a vampire is just the thing that makes him different, dangerous, exciting and forbidden. And those are the reason Bella, and the teenage girls who read about him love him so much.
Four hundred years ago Shakespeare wrote about forbidden teenage love, and this is essentially an updated version of that same theme, with a fantastical twist.
Bella Swan ("stop looking at me, Swan") is the awkward, clumsy girl who comes to a new school and eventually falls in love with the school's bad boy, who happens to be a good-looking vampire.
I think the author overdoes it a little with the girly stuff. For instance, the book could have been 100 pages shorter if she hadn't emptied her thesaurus looking for 1000 different ways to describe how good-looking Edward is. And there was also a lot of effort spent describing the way Bella's heart fluttered every time Edward looked at her, touched her or even walked into the same room. We get it, she loves him.
Despite being 500 pages, "Twilight" is a light, fast read (remember, I said it was for teenage girls) and if you can wade through some of the sappy stuff there is a good story there.
So even though I didn't love it, I can definitely understand why a certain segment of the population would, and if you are one of those people who can remember getting tongue-tied when the cute boy sat next to you in biology class, this might be the book for you.

Rey Maualuga Takes a Page out of Pizza Parlor Derek's Book

Emboldened by his team's awesome Rose Bowl performance over the Penn State Shittaly Lions, USC linebacker Rey Maualuga saw Erin Andrews standing on the sideline and tried to USC PPD's old 1:30 AM Darwin's move on her.



Sorry Rey, that only works only the drunken sluts at Darwin's. You're gonna need a little more to impress a classy broad like Erin Andrews.

Speaking of PPD, his New Year's Resolution was to revive the Pizza Parlor. And if past performance is any indication of future results, this resolution will have fizzled out before we reach February.

I Think This Is Just Crazy Enough to Work

As a promotion for their new condoms which contain a mild anasthetic (to help men last longer) Durex introduced something called the "stamina pillow."
Just put these pillows on your bed during intercourse and you should have no trouble lasting all night.

Happy New Year

My favorite episode of MASH begins on New Year's Eve 1950.
As it's about to become 1951 Colonel Potter says "Here's to the New Year. May she be a damned sight better than the old one and may we all be home before she's over."
The episode goes on an hilarious recounting of the 1951 baseball season with Winchester betting on the Dodgers.
The 4077th goes nuts when Russ Hodges exclaims "the Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!"
And the episode ends on New Year's Eve 1951.
As it's about to become 1952 Colonel Potter says "Here's to the New Year. May she be a damned sight better than the old one and may we all be home before she's over."

For me personally 2008 was a great one. My little boy grew from a little baby who didn't do much to a walking, talking menace. Watching him grow each day and remembering all the fun things we did this year will always bring fond memories of 2008.
But some bad things did happen this year. I lost my job (though hopefully in 2009's recap I'll be able to consider that a blessing), Mrs. Poop's grandfather passed away, and on a much less important note, the Mets choked again.

But this year in my life was that much richer for being able to share it with all of you.

So no matter how 2008 turned out for you I still wish that this New Year "be a damned sight better than the old one" and to all the troops serving in Iraq and Afghanistan "may [you] all be home before she's over."

Weekly Picks

We bounced back from three bad weeks in a row thanks to a gutsy pick of the Cardinals. If I were in the pool this year I’d be in money position right now. But you make your name in the playoffs. And this is an interesting week with no spreads bigger than a field goal and three road favorites.

atlanta -2 ARIZONA
This is a styles makes fights pick. In the playoffs I’m going to go with the team with the better defense and running game over the passing team, even though the game is being played in favorable weather conditions.

baltimore -3 MIAMI
I think this game will be so low scoring that a field goal margin here is very likely. And while I love what Chad Pennington has done with this team I think the Ravens defense will be able to take advantage of him. They’ll get pressure on him because he’s not very mobile, and they pick him off by sitting on his routes because they know he can’t throw over the top.

MINNESOTA +3 philadelphia
I just don't trust the Eagles. They've shown flashes, then they've looked like shit. But I'm picking this based on the running game of the Vikings. And the fact that I think Andy Reid will be stupid and pass too much. When he does that, the Eagles lose.

BEST BET
indianapolis +1 SAN DIEGO
I still don't trust the Chargers. Even though they won 4 must win games in a row I still don't believe in their toughness in a crucial game. And I really like the way the Colts are playing right now. Plus they have the revenge factor working since the Chargers knocked them out last year.

Last Week: 3-2 (4 points)
Season: 44-41 (49 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (11-6)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (10-16)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (4-1)
Road Favorites: 1-0 (19-8)
Road Underdogs: 1-2 (10-15)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (1-1)

Was It Worth It?

Even though I never posted about it explicitly, I was always very skeptical about the Jets acquisition of Brett Favre. Hearing from Jets fans after the trade the only phrase that came to mind was the Wolf's classic line from Pulp Fiction, "let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet."
Now that the season is over we can look back on a 9-7 season in which Brett Favre threw 22 interceptions (including 9 against 2 touchdowns in the fateful 5-game stretch to end the season) and even the most positive Jet fan would have to say the move didn't work out.
The acquisition of Favre cost the Jets Chad Pennington who was always a good quarterback when healthy. he should have been given a chance to work with the Jets other new additions (Faneca, Woody). Instead he went to the Dolphins had a better year than Brett Favre in every significant category (except TD passes, but only marginally) and led the biggest one-season turnaround in NFL history.
But it wasn't what the Jets lost that makes the Favre move a mistake. It's what they got.
A ticket on the Brett Favre carousel.
The Packers had to cut ties with Favre because going round-and-round with him every offseason was setting back the franchise and it threatens to do the same to the Jets.
The Jets desired coaching replacement for the fired Eric Mangini (who deserves about 25% of the blame for this season's disaster and only for not reining in Favre), Bill Cowher, turned down the job, reportedly because he doesn't want to coach Brett Favre, or spend an offseason waiting for Favre to make up his mind.
Also, Favre may hamper the Jets efforts to get the quarterback they want (maybe Matt Cassel) because who in their right mind would go to a team that Favre may want to come back to).
And the Jets don't really have a quarterback of the future on their roster, so they have to draft one. And if they do he will either have to play before he's ready, or spend a year learning bad habits from Favre.
The Jets need to come out right now, today and say "we don't want Favre back next season."
Riding his carousel, or worse bringing him back next year and hoping for different results, is just going to add to the immeasurable pain Jets fans already feel.

All He Wanted Was a "Blow Job"

Charles Barkley got arrested for DUI in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Pretty routine stuff and I wasn't even planning to post about it until I read the police report.
Barkley was driving his black Infiniti SUV when an officer parked around the corner (sneaky bastard) saw him roll through a stop sign at 10 miles an hour (what a stickler!).
As the cop pulled out to get behind Barkley, a female got into Barkley's car.
The cop pulled him over, said Barkley smelled of alcohol and looked like he had been drinking. Barkley admitted to drinking, telling the cop he didn't want to give him a "bullshit answer."
After field sobriety tests, Barkley refused the breathalyzer saying his bodyguard advised him not to take one. The cop arrested him, brought him in, had the car towed and impounded the handgun that was later found in the car.
Pretty routine, until back at the station Barkley starts talking.
He told the cop he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl. He asked the cop to admit the girl was hot.
Then he said "I was going to drive around the corner and get a blow job."
He told the cop that girl gave him a "blow job" a week ago and it was the best one he ever had.

Note: the quotes around blow job are taken directly from the report. I guess that's viewed as slang or street lingo by the police.

Barkley tried to bribe a PD employee by saying "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if he could get out of this. Then he corrected himself, saying "I'll tattoo your name on my ass."



Now I can't fault the man for his pursuit of a blow job, especially if it was that good, but driving drunk is never the answer.

Also, considering how Barkley is the most self-righteous person on earth right now who basically makes his living criticizing everything everyone else does and says, he's got to be embarrassed by this incident.

The NFL is Poop - Week 17

No One Wants to Make the Playoffs
Once again we saw another week of desperate teams coming up short, when playing teams with nothing at stake. You had the Bears losing to the Texans, and the Bucs losing at home to the Raiders. How does this happen? Rare for a final week of the season but there were 3 games where both teams needed to win to get in. The Dolphins beat the Jets (thanks to Brett Favre) but the other two were complete blowouts. The Cowboys lost to the Eagles 44-6 and the Chargers demolished the Broncos 52-21. Not the way you should play with your season on the line.

Choke Jobs
Those final week losses completed 3 historic chokes by 3 teams that were sitting pretty just a few weeks ago.
The Jets: After beating New England and previously undefeated Tennessee (on the road) the Jets were 8-3 and in 2nd playoff position. Then they lost 4 out of 5 (and got lucky to win the other one) to finish 9-7 and out of the playoffs.
The Broncos: After beating the Jets and the Chiefs, the Broncos were 8-5 with a 3-game lead in a horrible division. They dropped their next three getting embarrassed by the Chargers on national TV to end the seaseon.
The Buccanneers: They were 9-3 heading into a Monday night game against the Panthers. They got destroyed that night, lost a squeaker the next week then laid down like dogs and got booted out of the playoffs.
I think the biggest choke here actually belongs to the Jets. The Bucs are tempting because they lost 4 in a row, the last one to the Raiders, but their other 3 losses were to playoff teams (Carolina, Atlanta, San Diego).
The Jets on the other hand lost to San Francisco, Seattle, Denver and Miami. But as it turned out the Jets probably would have needed to win two of those games to get in.
Whereas the Broncos could have used just one victory, but expectations for them were never that high anyway.
So congratulations to New York Jets fans, another bitter pill to swallow.

Insult to Injury
As if the city of Detroit is not suffering enough, they now have to endure the dignity of the Lions completing the first 0-16 season in NFL history. Now there may be some hope in the front office which was almost completely cleaned out (starting with Matt Millen and ending with Rod Marinelli) but on the field, I don't see much hope for the future.
Since 1978 when the NFL went to a 31 game schedule no team had ever won 16 games in the regular season, until last year, and no team and lost all 16 games, until this year.

Game of the Week
New England Patriots 13 Buffalo Bills 0
The gale-force winds (up to 70 miles an hour) made this game one for the history books. The winds were show strong they literally blew over the goal posts. When it came to kick towards one end they had to have a crew with ropes hold the goal posts in place. The Patriots tried 47 running plays and only 8 passes. The Bills ran it 35 times and threw it 25 times, but only because they had to. The longest pass play was 19 yards.



Game of Next Week
Philadelphia Eagles at Minnesota Vikings
The Eagles are such a difficult team to predict. The tie the Bengals and hit rock bottom in a loss to the Ravens. Then they win 3 straight and look like world beaters. Following a loss to the Redskins in which they scored only 3 points, all hope seemed lost. But everything broke their way and they destroyed Dallas to earn the playoff spot and a date with Adrian Peterson and the Vikings. And they're actually favored in this one. I think Donovan McNabb's future with the team is at stake here. Maybe Andy Reid's too.

Cheerleader of the Week
Marlina Moreno of the San Diego Charger Girls
Marlina is in her 3rd year with the Charger girls and was one of 12 NFL Cheerleaders photographed for the SI Swimsuit issue (pictures below). When not cheering she runs her own cleaning business, with environmentally friendly practices.










A Brief Rant About the Redskins
A disappointing season comes to a disappointing end with another bad loss to an inferior team. They lost to the Bengals, Rams and 49ers this year, all horrible losses. I still think they have the basis of a really good team here, but they need to keep working with Campbell and make some improvements on defense. But really the talent is not the problem here. The inability to make the key play (on both sides of the ball) was the difference between winning and losing several games this year for this team.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
New York Giants 24 Tennessee Titans 13
I'm throwing out those week 17 performances for both teams, but the Colts and the Steelers are right on Tennessee's heels. The Giants seem to have an easier road unless Carolina is emboldened by that late season loss the way the Giants themselves were last year.

Song of the Week

"Soldier Boy" - The Shirelles
And Papa Poop turns to Mama Poop and says "hey baby, they're playing our song."

Inspiration

I'd had this picture of Adam Bender saved as a drafted post for about 6 months, not knowing quite what to do with it. I guess you never know when you are going to need a little inspiration.



ESPN's E-60 also did an incredible piece on Adam Bender.
Warning: this piece will bother your allergies.



Maybe in 2009 we should all try to be a little more like Adam Bender and a little less like ourselves.

Even When He Was Little He Was Big

Hilarious picture of a young (12 year-old) Fat Scat and the ridiculously 80s (hair and dress) Razor at her Bat Mitzvah. Laugh at them.

Good News Bad News

Mello Yello is going to be ok.
But it's going to cost $2800 to fix her.
Now I know the Nissan dealership is a ripoff, that's why I stopped going there for service. But I don't want to go through the hassle of having it towed to another station for an estimate.
He said the problem was something with the distributor (not sure if any Poopheads know anything about cars) but it was going from 6 cylinders to 4 to 3 while I was driving.
A bitter pill to swallow but I'm glad my car is going to be ok.

I Think I Found My Purpose in Life

I've always been a big fan of vocabulary, and now I have a new passion, Bro-cabulary.

Here's a brief description of the book:

"Bro-cab-u-lary (n.): A revolutionary new lexicon for bonding with your bros
Put down your BlackBerry, you PDA-hole, and cancel that masturdate it's time for Brocabulary: a bawdy new dicktionary. This crucial addition to your guybrary will put you in the testosterzone, whether you're being fandiloquent at the game or barticulating during a fargone-versation. Find out how to:
Define your stripping point (the precise number of Jäger shots that make a woman want to get naked with you).
Elect yourself the next Abraham Drinkin' and make an Inebriation Proclamation ("Four whores and seven beers ago . . .").
Stop brocrastinating! It's time to become everyone's guydol by leaving your mark on dudescussions for generations to come."

While all that sounds nice, what really caught my attention was the chapter on wingmen called "Winglish." The book suggests that one of the best wingman you can find is the "cere-bro." The bro who is smart and always keeps his head and can talk to women for you. If this doesn't remind everyone of the time we were in Mexico and I was carrying on 5 different conversations with 5 different girls for 5 different guys (ALL IN SPANISH!) then you're not giving me enough credit. I even had to call a girl's house and speak to her father to find out when she'd be home.

Your bro-cabulary word for the day is cere-bro: the most awesome bro you know.

Paul and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

It all started when Grandpy fell.
Once that happened there was no choice but to move Mrs. Poop's grandfather to a nursing home.
That set off a chain reaction of events that resulted in the worst day ever.
Once Grandpy fell and had to go the nursing home, Nanny (Mrs. Poop's grandmother) was left alone, and she needed to go with him.
They finally got all this to happen and it seemed like it would be the best thing for both of them, they'd be together, they'd have constant care and Mrs. Poop's parents wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.
Until a stomach virus ripped through the nursing home.
Grandpy got it. Both of Mrs. Poop's parents got it and were laid up for several days.
But because Grandpy was 91 years old he wasn't able to fight it off as well. It turned into an infection and eventually pneumonia, and he died on Christmas Day.

Mrs. Poop went up to Connecticut with Chase and Diesel after work on Christmas Day, I did the same after working the following day.
It was good to hit the road because Mello Yello hadn't been driven in a while. Ever since I got laid off I hardly drove her, and even when I started the new job I took the train so she'd basically been sitting there for 6 weeks.

Everythiing seemed to be going fine until Mrs. Poop woke up Saturday morning with the stomach bug that had been going around. She stayed in her room during the Christmas brunch with the cousins so as not to get anyone else sick. But it didn't work. When I woke up Sunday morning, I had the poops.

Because Grandpy died on Christmas Day it complicated some of the logistics of laying him to rest. So it was decided that there would be a small family service on Wednesday (I planned to go home for 2 days then come back for it) where Grandpy would get the full military salute.

To truly honor Grandpy's memory a luncheon was arranged in his honor at one of his favorite places, the Polish National Home in Hartford. We'd had his 90th birthday there and he loved the kielbasa and all the other foods which comprise the Polish plate.

But because I woke up so sick Sunday morning I decided to skip the lunch just go home. I packed my car and headed out. When I stopped for gas (always shut off your motor) I couldn't get Mello Yello to start. I called Triple A but Mrs. Poop's dad suggested I try starting it with the car in neutral. It worked. But I foolishly decided to try to get it home, instead of having it fixed locally.

I made it three-quarters of the way home but I could tell there was something wrong. Every time I stepped on the gas the car shook. The RPM needle was fluttering. When I slowed to exit 684 and get onto 287, I couldn't get her back up to speed. She basically shut off and I rolled her to a stop in a very precarious position on a small shoulder between the highway and an exit ramp.

Once again I called Triple A, but they couldn't take me off the highway. Another tow truck got me off the highway, took me to a shopping center, then finally the Triple A truck came, and was able to bring me all the way to New Jersey. But this ordeal took about 5 hours.

It just so happens that in the same Stop N Shop parking lot where I was waiting in White Plains, NY another Triple A customer called because she was locked out of her car. So after getting my car on the flatbed the driver had to jimmy her door open. And as we were pulling away another person flagged down the tow truck, because his battery died and he needed a jump. So at least someone benefitted from my misfortune.

Right now Mello Yello sits at the Nissan dealer, the same dealer I stopped going to for service because they ripped me off the last time (charging me $100 to change a headlight).

And when I called Mrs. Poop to tell her what happened, I learned that Nanny fainted at the lunch and had to be taken to the emergency room and spent the night in the hospital.

Not a good way to go into a brand new year.