Saturday, December 05, 2009

We're Too Young to Die

I was saddened this week to learn of the passing of Janelle Dotts, a fellow alumnus of Susan Wagner High School Class of 1996.

I didn't really know Janelle all that well during high school, despite her being in many of my classes.

But I do know, age 31 is way too young.

Janelle leaves behind a 9 year-old daughter who heartbreakingly said “Mommy made the best spaghetti,” according to the obituary in the Staten Island Advance.

The Advance reports she died after a short illness, but no word on exactly what she had.

Janelle Dotts 1978 - 2009

Friday, December 04, 2009

What Do You Give Me For? Airline Passenger and Mark Mangino

What do you give me for former Kansas football coach Mark Mangino and an unidentified obese plane passenger.

This picture was reportedly taken by an American Airlines flight attendant upset at the gate staff for not stopping this passenger or making him buy two seats.

As for Mangino, he was forced to resign from Kansas after disparaging comments he made to players came to light. He reportedly threatened players that if they didn't work hard he'd send them back to wherever they were from. He told one guy whose brother was shot that he could go back to St. Louis and get shot with his homeys. A player with an alcoholic father was ridiculed as well. And speaking of ridicule, this is my favorite picture of Mark Mangino.

Not a good day for the morbidly obese.

obese airline passenger
Mark Mangino

Another Take on Tiger

You've heard my opinion on what really happened the night Tiger Woods drove his Escalade into a tree.

Now let's see what Taiwanese media thinks of the incident:



Maybe we can get Special K to translate

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Peter King Gets Duped

Peter King of Sports Illustrated is not only the best football writer in America, he seems like a really nice guy. And as a middle-aged guy he probably doesn't understand the whole Twitter-verse or the juvenile senses of humor of today's young people. It was probably some 20 year-old staffer who suggest Peter answer one Tweet each week in his freakin awesome Monday Morning Quarterback column:



I'm sure King had no idea that Ivan Poon wasn't this guy's real name, but that's the problem when these things aren't properly vetted by people with a middle-schooler's sensibilities.

Worst Toy Ever

A talking toy puppy that teaches babies their ABCs has a bite toxic enough to make it the most dangerous toy on a watchdog group's annual holiday list.

The $23.99 Love to Play Puppy, made by Fisher-Price, was among 24 toys that the New York Public Research Interest Group has declared unsafe.

The Love to Play Puppy, bought at a Manhattan Toys "R" Us, contains bromine, a fire retardant that can affect the reproductive system and cause birth defects, as well as mercury, which affects the organs and nervous system, according to the group.

Forget the chemicals, the reason not to get this toy is that it's so fuckin annoying.


Teammates with Great Names



The University of Colorado women's basketball team has Whitney Houston and Brittany Spears.

Freedo and Amber will be going to a game this season to try and get their picture taken with this dynamic duo.

Muppets Go Viral

Much like the Muppets took Manhattan, they have taken the Web.
Since debuting last week, the Muppet parody of the classic music video of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" has been viewed more than 8.6 million times on YouTube. It's an exceptional hit for the first video posted on a new YouTube channel by the Muppets Studio, the Walt Disney Company subsidiary formed in 2004 after the Jim Henson Company sold the franchise.
A Twitter feed has also been launched. (It's mostly promotional; Kermit isn't blogging.) And a Facebook page has been started.
Muppets Studio general manager Lylle Breier said the online push for the Muppets was designed to help reboot the franchise and quickly get new content to fans.
"When the Muppets came into real popularity was the '70s. What was popular in the '70s? Variety shows -- that's what `The Muppet Show' was," said Breier. "What's the Web? It's a giant variety show. That's why the Muppets fit so perfectly. Parody has always been at the heart of what the Muppets do."
Breier said the Muppets singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" had long been an idea on the back burner, but the project only recently came together.
In it, just about every famous Muppet character makes a cameo: Gonzo and his chickens appear in silhouette; Rowlf plays piano; Beaker supplies his normal "meep-meep-meep-meep"; Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem rock out.
Animal bangs on the drums and gets to channel Freddie Mercury, singing "Mama!" He repeats it instead of singing the full, child-unfriendly line "Mama just killed a man/ Put a gun against his head/ Pulled my trigger/ Now he's dead."
It's not the Muppets first foray into online video. Several videos were released last year, most notably including Beaker singing "Ode to Joy." More than 7 million have since watched Beaker's rendition.
Breier says more Web videos are on the way. A version of "Carol of the Bells" will be released for Christmas, and a handful of other videos will follow in 2010.
The purpose of the sudden Muppet expansion is partly promotional. The Muppets have also recently made appearances on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" and at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Last year's holiday special, "A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa" has recently been released on DVD and will air again Friday on NBC.
What is more important, a new, much-anticipated theatrical film is in the works. Jason Segel ("Forgetting Sarah Marshall") and his writing partner Nicholas Stoller have been writing a new Muppets film expected to return the franchise to its more acclaimed past.
"It's all part of a plan for new creative content with online, television, a new theatrical movie," said Breier. "We're bringing the Muppets back."

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

My Own Teammate

Florida Panther Keith Ballard swings his stick in frustration after Atlanta's Ilya Kovalchuk scores a goal, but Ballard whacks his own goalie Tomas Vokoun in the head. Here's the actual cut from the game.



Vokoun got a cut ear but as you can see in this longer clip they carted him off the ice on a stretcher. Luckily, he's ok and was able to fly back with the team.

Song of the Week

“That Smell” – Lynyrd Skynyrd

I heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time in my life. A few days later I heard it again. 31 years, never heard it. Two weeks, twice. Amazing. Anyway, the song is kind of weird but interestingly chronicles the band's problems with drugs.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Lady Killer

Since we posted the pictures of Chase with all his lady friends many of you have asked for his secret. As ZZ Top once said "every girl's crazy bout a sharp dressed man."

Chase's blazer

I Don't Have to Watch Because I Lived It

For several summers earlier this decade some of my friends had a summer house on the Jersey Shore.
The type of guido and guidette who frequented places like Headliners and DJais could not be explained, until now.
A new MTV show premiering December 3 at 10pm (special 2 hour season premiere) will attempt to chronicle the lifestyle of this strange subspecies of our culture.
Watch the trailer, trust me:



"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island."
The fact that at least one of these people is from Staten Island turns this into an even scarier version of "This Is Your Life."

the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore

Oh yeah, some people say the show is racist.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

What Really Happened

The biggest story in the world right is now is the mysterious car accident of Tiger Woods. Everyone wants to know what really happened, and a pretty obvious picture is surfacing.

Recent rumors of Tiger having an affair with New York nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel surfaced. Tiger and Elin were obviously fighting about it, maybe Tiger got a strange text.

It was 2am the night after Thanksgiving and Tiger was taking some painkillers. They had a fight and Elin went crazy, she attacked him and scratched his face up pretty good. He tried to leave the house to go for a drive. She chased him down with a golf club (oh the irony) and at some point smashed the back window.

Distracted by the crazy woman chasing him, perhaps bleeding from scratches to his face, perhaps a little foggy due to painkillers Tiger crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree.

But there are a few questions still unanswered.

First, why do the Woodses keep putting off their interview with the cops? Some say they are waiting for Tiger's injuries to heal so he can blame his facial scratches on the accident and the broken glass, but if he was already treated at the hospital those injuries would likely be photographed and documented and I believe that could be shared with the police in an ongoing investigation. Another possibility is that maybe Elin has a black eye or something that would incriminate Tiger.

And the second, and more puzzling question, why would Tiger cheat on Elin, his swedish bikini model wife?



I guess the old adage is true, "everywhere there's a beautiful woman, there's a guy tired of fucking her."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Weekly Picks

I finally got off the schneid last week and though likely nothing will save this season it still feels good to pick a few winners for a change. There are some more games I like this week so we'll try to keep this going.

carolina +3 NEW YORK JETS
I don't see how the Jets can beat anyone right now. I would make this my best bet but I'm never comfortable with underdogs and rarely pick them as my best bet.

new england +1 1/2 NEW ORLEANS
The Patriots win this game. I normally don't believe in all the psycho-babble people regularly resort to when picking games because they have nothing intelligent to say, but with the Patriots I believe Belichick uses that stuff. I think he will use Indianapolis game, and the Saints undefeated record to get his team ready to beat the recently underwhelming Saints.

ST. LOUIS +3 1/2 seattle
The Seahawks are terrible so I figured it was a good time to play the rare home dog.

CINCINNATI -13 1/2 cleveland
Here's a theory I haven't used enough this season: good team coming off a bad loss and bad team coming off a win. Ok, so the Browns didn't win last week but they scored more touchdowns in the first quarter than they had in the previous 423 games (may want to double check that number). Either way, I still like the Bengals this season and if not for some bad lack they at least would have escaped Oakland with a win.


BEST BET
indianapolis -3 1/2 HOUSTON

The Colts aren't getting a lot of respect from oddsmakers. I know they've had a lot of close calls but they are still undefeated and they still have Peyton Manning.



Last week: 4-1 (5 points)
Season: 26-29 (25 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (5-6)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (7-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 2-1 (11-10)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (7-11)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Marv Albert Denies Fighting With 50 Cent's Entourage

Marv Albert said Saturday he was never involved in an altercation with 50 Cent, denying Internet reports of a fight on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

According to the reports, punches were thrown after members of the rapper's entourage didn't recognize Albert, the longtime sports broadcaster who was appearing as a guest on the show on Wednesday night.

But Albert told The Associated Press he was not even close to the exchange, which he believed was caused when a member of 50 Cent's party was prevented by show security from using a phone in the room that was supposed to belong to Albert.

"I couldn't even tell you what the guy looked like or the security guard looked like," Albert said.

Albert said he even read one account that he was punched by 50 Cent, who was the show's musical guest, but insisted they never crossed paths.

"They embellish. It keeps getting embellished more than anything else," Albert said. "What do you say, it's just wrong."

Albert appeared on the program the night before he called the Lakers' home game against Chicago on TNT. The Los Angeles Times' account of the event, by a writer who was there, describes a scuffle and "a fist or two flying," but never mentions Albert being a part of it.

But the story has changed as it's appeared on blogs in recent days, with Albert saying family and friends are reading accounts that are "completely made up."

"I don't know what tomorrow will bring," Albert added. "It will be Jimmy Kimmel got punched."

Albert said he was told the whole altercation lasted only a few seconds, but it's created a few frustrating days.

"I'm sure this will be funny to me in a couple of days," he said. "It's not funny to me now, obviously."

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving at the Bates'

Much thanks to Mrs. Bates for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner, for 29. Yes 29 people, count them. The only one you can't see is me, I'm under Chase.



All Master Bates did was carve the turkey.

pay careful attention to the carrot and tomatoes

Happy Thanksgiving

No sappy, cloying, whining ramble like last year just a couple words to wish all the Poopheads a happy day of turkey, football and family.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Slapsgiving

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Song of the Week

"Renegade" - Styx
I recently watched an "NFL Films Presents" on how this song became an anthem for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Now they play it when they need the Steelers to rally, and they only save it for when it's really necessary to get a turnover or touchdown.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Look Out World

Cable television operator Cablevision Systems will distribute News Corp's Fox Business Network in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, Fox said on Thursday.

The business channel, which News Corp started to compete with CNBC, will start appearing on Nov. 19 on channel 106 for Cablevision subscribers and on channel 772 in HD, Fox Business said in a statement.

Fox Business Network will be available to about 3 million Cablevision customers.

Embarrassing Falls

Both Adam Lambert and J.Lo fell during their performances at the American Music Awards. At least J.Lo has some padding on her ass. Good thing Lambert didn't fall on his, it was probably still sore from the night before.



Monday, November 23, 2009

The Worst Coaching of All-Time

A few years ago LSU coach Les Miles (heretofore known as Fewer Miles, since Les Miles is gramatically incorrect) was the darling of the college football world. During an incredible run to the national title Miles made some inceredibly gutsy 4th down calls and seemingly made them all.
His onions became legendary and even got their own nickname, Les-ticles.

But this weekend against Ole Miss Fewer put his balls before his brains and cost his team the game.

We'll start at the end when with a minute and 16 seconds left LSU scored a touchdown to cut Ole Miss's lead to 25-23. They went for two to tie (Miles knew that much) but a fade route into the corner was unsuccessful. But there was a pass interference penalty giving them another chance, this time from the 1. But instead of running it, they tried the same play again, and missed again.

That meant LSU had to try for an onside kick, another decision Miles, thankfully, didn't screw it up. Unfortunately it would be the last thing he did right.

LSU moved the ball to the 32 yard on a long pass and that's when things went wrong. LSU tried to pass 3 times instead of running to set up a manageable field goal. First down incomplete, second down, sack for a loss of 9 followed by an LSU timeout.

"We talked about runs," Miles said. "I felt like the quarterback could manage the situation. That was my mistake."

LSU sacked for a loss of 9

On third down it was a 7 yard loss and with 26 seconds left the clock was running, but LSU didn't use its last timeout until there were 9 seconds left.

"The clock ran down, timeouts were being called verbally and I didn't relate that to the official apparently and that was the mistake," Miles said.

On 4th and 26 from the 42 LSU threw a Hail Mary which was answered, caught at the 6 -- with one second left.

Les Miles should be fired

But LSU didn't have the field goal team ready like they should have been so they tried to spike the ball to stop the clock, but there was only one second, why not run a play and at least try to get a penalty or a throw into the endzone.

The team was going for the end zone on the last pass play, Miles said, and when Jefferson found Toliver in traffic at the 6 with a second left, the team was unprepared. Rather than run the field goal unit on field while there appeared to be confusion with the chain gang, Jordan tried to get the team lined up to spike the ball but never got the play off.

I really think Miles should be fired for this. Even Herm Edwards never mismanaged a game this badly and this obviously. Totally unforgiveable and it should cost him his job.

The Cirtcuitous Route We Sometimes Take to Where We're Supposed to Be

Five years ago Wally Backman got his first job as a major league manager. A few days later he lost that job.

He’s spent the next five years working his way back and is now the manager of the Brooklyn Cyclones.



Most people in New York think that job is just the incubator for him to eventually take over for Jerry Manuel, perhaps even during the season if 2010 starts as badly as 2009 ended.

According to the Daily News, bad blood between Manuel and Backman goes back to 2003 when Backman reportedly told his ex-teammate Ron Gardenhire to kick the White Sox ass so he could take Manuel’s job managing that team.

Backman’s eventual hiring as Mets manager could be held up though as the Wilpons were reportedly very concerned about his personal background in light of the domestic violence issue which cost him the Diamondbacks job.



I think Manuel is a shitty manager and though I don’t really know much about Backman’s style, I can only assume he’d be better than Jerry.

And I know Master Bates would like him a lot better.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Soccer Brute is Kinda Cute

Elizabeth Lambert became the most famous person on the internet for a few days after her aggressive play in a game against BYU.

Now Lambert is telling her side of the story and she actually looks pretty good all made up and with her hair did.

She says she can’t believe she acted that way while subtly saying she was retaliating for an elbow against her --- the video proves her point.

She claims the video was edited to make her look worse, and it got more attention because it involved women --- which is true, because women usually aren’t known for that kind of aggression.

Also, She said she was taken aback at how the incident had been perceived by some as sexy catfighting between two women. She said she was aghast that some men had sent her messages saying, “Hey, we should meet up some time.”

Oops, my bad.


Derek Jeter Has the Best Life

When Derek Jeter is not winning World Series he's out cavorting on beaches with some of the hottest women in the world. This offseason he's with Poop favorite Minka Kelly.

Derek Jeter is so fucking lucky
Minka Kelly is so fuckin hot

Three years ago he was doing the same thing with Jessica Biel.

now Jessica Biel is slumming with Justin Timberlake
WOW!

Also this offseason Jeter is shooting a Will Ferrell movie in which he wears a wig and plays a homeless guy.



And if that's not enough Jeter for you Sports Illustrated put together a gallery of some of the best Jeter pics.

Jeter probably banged all of them
Jeter and A-Rod, gay together

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Weekly Picks

Just a disastrous season and I really can't figure out what's going wrong except I just keep picking the wrong best bets.

san diego -3 DENVER
The Broncos are in an absolute freefall and believe it or not they are going to miss Kyle Orton.

indianapolis -1 1/2 BALTIMORE
Somehow, they find a way to win.

cincinnati -9 1/2 OAKLAND
The Bengals are better than we all think, and the Raiders are just as bad as we know.

tennessee +4 1/2 HOUSTON
Don't question it, just believe, Vince Young has something special working.

BEST BET
NEW ENGLAND -10 1/2 new york jets

A lot is at stake here and I think the Patriots are going to be very motivated to beat the Jets brains in.

Last week: 2-3 (1 point)
Season: 22-28 (20 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-6)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (6-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 1-2 (9-9)
Road Underdogs: 1-1 (6-11)

My Mind's Telling Me No, But the Math's Telling Me Yes

At first I was against Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 2 against the Colts, a decision that failed, and led directly to the Patriots losing the game.
But as a poker player you learn to judge decisions on something other than the outcome. You evaluate decision based on how likely you were to be right. Face it, nothing is 100% so your goal, as a poker player, football coach or nearly anything else is to give yourself the best chance to be successful.
In poker, the thinking is you get into certain situations thousands of times, so being right 52% of the time is a major advantage but you will still lose 480 times out of 1000.
In football, situations are more unique so Belichick likely won't face that scenario again but if he does I'm sure he would go for it again, and he'd have these numbers from the New York Times 5th Down Blogto back him up.

With 2:08 left and the Colts with only one timeout, a successful 4th-and-2 conversion wins the game for all practical purposes. A conversion on 4th-and-2 would be successful 60 percent of the time. Historically, in a situation with 2:00 left and needing a TD to either win or tie, teams get the TD 53 percent of the time from that field position. The total win probability for the 4th-down conversion attempt would therefore be:

(0.60 * 1) + (0.40 * (1-0.53)) = 0.79 WP (WP stands for win probability)

A punt from the 28 typically nets 38 yards, starting the Colts at their 34. Teams historically get the TD 30 percent of the time in that situation. So the punt gives the Pats about a 0.70 WP.

Statistically, the better decision would be to go for it, and by a good amount. However, these numbers are baselines for the league as a whole. You’d have to expect the Colts had a better than 30 percent chance of scoring from their 34, and an accordingly higher chance to score from the Pats’ 28. But any adjustment in their likelihood of scoring from either field position increases the advantage of going for it. You can play with the numbers any way you like, but it’s pretty hard to come up with a realistic combination of numbers that makes punting the better option. At best, you could make it a wash.


And if you consider the Patriots have Tom Brady (making the 4th down more likely) and the Colts have Peyton Manning (driving up the Colts chances) there is really no argument at all.

I never want to be one of those stubborn people who sticks to his argument despite all the evidence showing he’s wrong. I also hate people who reject numbers in sports, instead choosing to rely on feel.

This reminds me of my stance on the Mets signing of Pedro Martinez. I claim the deal was an awful failure because he basically missed three years, and the Mets never won anything (other than a division title which he wasn’t around for) during his tenure. The benefits of his signing are perceived to be his supposed on influence on recruiting other players to the Mets.

Think of it this way, if there are two arguments, one is supported by numbers, evidence and history. The other is a bunch of people bloviating loudly with no proof to support their argument, I’ll take the former.


As for the other (overshadowed) decision of the weekend, Maurice Jones-Drew absolutely did the right thing by delaying gratification and kneeling on the one. The chances of making a field goal from there have to be 95% or higher. You'd have to think the Jets have a better than 5% chance to score a TD in that situation.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My Favorite Soliloquy in Seinfeld History

I liked this George speech when I first saw it, but now I love it because it reminds me so much of Mrs. Poop and me.
There are so many quotable lines in this short clip but this one stands out:
"She didn't know about pasteurization, he didn't know about fumigation, but they made it WORK!"

Jew or Not a Jew?

A pending court case in England may set new guidelines on who is or isn’t a Jew.

Here’s the background:

The U.K. has state sponsored religious schools. A boy known in court as “M” was rejected from the Jews’ Free School because he is not Jewish, at least not according to the school. His mother converted but she did so in a progressive, not an orthodox synagogue, therefore she is not a Jew nor is her son, in the school’s eyes.

His family sued saying the school discriminated against him. They lost the first case but won the appeal when the court said the school’s test of Jewishness needs to be based on religion, which would be legal, instead of on race or ethnicity, which would not. The court ruled that it was an ethnic test because it concerned the status of M’s mother rather than whether M considered himself Jewish and practiced Judaism.


I’m with “M” on this one. I think religion is based on what you feel and what you do. There are lots of Jews, especially in America who are only Jewish because someone a long time ago was Jewish. A student from two traditionally Jewish parents who doesn’t practice Judaism or identify with the Jewish people should have less right and would like derive less benefit from a Jewish education than “M.”

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Voting is Efficacious

A couple weeks ago I asked the Poopheads if I should give a dollar to the homeless woman who complimented my Mitchell & Ness Mets jacket. The overwhelming response was yes. But after the votes were counted, I didn’t see her again – until yesterday. When I stopped to give her a dollar she started telling me her life story (“I was always poor, my father worked in a furniture store”) and asked me for another dollar. Sounds like old sob story-beg for more hustle you often see in strip clubs. Whatever the case I gave her $2 at the behest of the Poopheads and it’s going to take me 300 ad clicks to make that money back.

Song of the Week

"Forever Young" - Alpahville
If there's anything in the world I hate it's getting older, so I kind of like the idea of staying forever young.

Jay-Z incorporated the song into his "Young Forever" on his Blueprint 3 album. "May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows."

Monday, November 16, 2009

Music to Rake Leaves To

I recently read someone's Facebook status that read something like this "if I put all these songs on the iPod how come whenever I put it on shuffle I can never find anything I like?"

I pondered that existential question and decided to listen to my iPod on shuffle without skipping any songs. After four mediocre songs I finally found something I like.

"Feelin on Yo Booty" - R. Kelly

Followed by

"Secret Lovers" - Atlantic Starr

Followed by

"Lollipop" - Lil Wayne

Damn you, Mrs. Poop!

That streak ruined I went ahead to song #14 ("I Don't Care" - No Question) and listened to it until I was done raking.

I Guess "Hang On, Sloopy" Didn't Go Over Too Well Either

Bruce Springsteen started a recent concert by yelling to the crowd "hello, Ohio."
The concert was at the Palace of Auburn Hills outside Detroit, Michigan.
He said it a couple times before Steve Van Zandt (who looks a lot like the guy who played Silvio on the Sopranos -- maybe I should do a WDYGMR?) told him they were in Michigan.
The Boss said the mistake is "every front man's nightmare."




For those who don't get the reference in the headline, for some reason "Hang On Sloopy" is an Ohio State song (complete with shouting "O-H-I-O" during the lulls in the song). Even harder to explain is why Bruce plays it at concerts. And most disturbingly, Pizza Parlor Derek went to a Springsteen concert, but in an effort to beat traffic he left right before what he thought was the final song, only to learn later he missed "Hang on Sloopy." Pizza Parlor Darren hasn't spoken to him since.

Truth is "Hang on Sloopy" is the official rock song of the state of Ohio, thanks to this resolution passed in 1985. It's worth the time it takes to read.

Oh, Ohio and Michigan hate each other.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

World's Smallest Mother

Stacey Herald is 2-feet, 4-inches tall, and her new son will already be half her size when he is born.

The 35-year-old from Dry Ridge, Ky., was told by doctors that a baby would grow so large inside her tiny body it could eventually crush her organs, strangling her from the inside out.

But she has already defied the odds by having two healthy daughters.

"The doctors all told me that I would die,” she said. “They begged me not to have a baby. Even my mother said, 'You know you won't survive right?'"

However, Herald and her husband, Will, insist their kids are a gift from God.

Herald suffers from osteogenesis imperfecta, which causes brittle bones and underdeveloped lungs. The condition stunted her growth and forces her to use a wheelchair.

She’s currently 30 weeks pregnant and admits that it’s getting tougher to move around.

Weekly Picks

I'm having a horrible run of luck and if I don't get hot this will be the worst season I've had since I started picking games on this blog. I think I have a few games I like this week though.

denver +3 1/2 WASHINGTON
The Redskins level of play is equal to the Rams, Bucs or Lions. Would either of those teams be giving only 3 and a half in this game? I know the Broncos lost two in a row and looked bad doing it, but even though the Redskins defense is decent, they never force the turnovers that have done in Kyle Orton.

new england +3 INDIANAPOLIS
It's amazing how much difference one player can make, especially with a safety. But we saw it with Troy Polamula this year, we've seen it with Bob Sanders in the past, and we're seeing it with Bob Sanders again this year.

new orleans -13 1/2 ST. LOUIS
The Saints have just eked out a couple but I predict total domination in this one, something like 31-7 seems about right.

baltimore -10 1/2 CLEVELAND
The Ravens are going to kill Brady Quinn. They are the team I was talking about last week. Good enough to beat bad teams, not good enough to beat good teams.

BEST BET
atlanta -1 1/2 CAROLINA

The Falcons are Exhibit A on my new theory of the NFL though. Their three losses coming against New Orleans, New England and Dallas. Carolina is not in that class.


Last week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season: 10-25 (19 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-5)
Home Favorites: 1-3 (6-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (8-7)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (5-10)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Chase Cheers for Laurie

A brief low-quality, low-light clip of Chase from the Laurie Berkner concert.

Happy Anniversary Blessing in Diguise

A year ago today I was called into an office and told my services were no longer needed.

The month that followed was extremely difficult, filled with anger and worry about what was to come of my family and my future.

The other 11 months have been filled with hope, hard work and a renewed discovery of my skills and value. And some extra cash, thanks to the 12 weeks of severance I collected while working at my new job.

While I didn't know it at the time, on that day one year ago, The Universe gave me exactly what I needed.

I said it back then, that this would work out for the best and unquestionably getting laid off was the best thing that could have happened for me.

I'd Pay $1000 For This

The government is selling all of Bernie Madoff's shit including this too-sweet 80s-era Mets satin jacket personalized with Madoff on the back.
The Wall Street Journal says this item will go for $500 - $720 but I think it will fetch $1000 easily.

Bernie Madoff's Mets satin jacket

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Furious George Did This

In a shocking episode of Oprah they unmasked Charla Nash, the woman whose face was destroyed by Travis the domesticated (or so we thought) chimp, dubbed Furious George.

Nash lost her nose, hands, an eye lid and lips. Surgeons had to remove her eyes in April due to an infection.

She walks around with a hat and veil, but Oprah lifted that veil. Nash has bandages over her scalp, no eyes, a bloody scar where her left eye used to be and a chunk of skin, transplanted from her thigh, in the middle of her face where her nose and mouth once were.

Underneath that hunk of flesh is a hole where her surgically rebuilt tongue is, allowing Nash to softly speak. She is hoping to get a face transplant (like Connie Culp and James Maki) including a mouth and new lips, so she can eat again.

I did not include the picture in this post because it would be disturbing to most if not all of you, but if you want to see it, click here, but don't say I didn't warn you.

A Long List of Very Specific Rules

I have never worked as a waiter or held any other job in a restaurant but I like rules, espcially ones that only sticklers follow. Other than that I can't really explain why I enjoyed the New York Times's list of 100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do.

I recommend reading the entire list but for those of you with ADHD (Juice and the Juicette) here are some selected favorites with my own commentary.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.
I would go to the movies, even to sporting events alone, but I would never eat out alone. Isn't that why they invented takeout. Even so, I can see how "are you waiting for someone?" is a bad question to ask.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.
Keep your grubby fingers away from where I put my mouth.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.
This would never happen with me but seems like a good idea for the oenophiles among the Poopheads.

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”
39. Do not call a woman “lady.”
I guess that would make singing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" a double no-no. I can see the prohibition on "dude", especially at a classy place, but what's wrong with lady? I actually prefer it to woman, and I think most ladies would prefer it to ma'am.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.
I say no problem all the time but I'm working hard on using "you're welcome" instead.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.
This one's for The Concierge.

73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon.
As someone who orders soup nearly everywhere I go, this one is particularly close to my heart. Though I can say it doesn't happen too often. But I think this rule may have been inspired by the old joke. "taste the soup -- ah-cha."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Best Mets Seasons All-Time

Mets Weekly did a series this year on the best individual season by a Met in team history. The only rule, no player could have more than one season on the list.

10. Johan Santana - 2008
9. John Olerud - 1998
8. Jerry Koosman - 1969
7. Jose Reyes - 2006
6. Mike Piazza - 1999
5. Carlos Beltran - 2006
4. Darryl Strawberry - 1987
3. David Wright - 2007
2. Tom Seaver - 1971
1. Dwight Gooden - 1985 [corrected]

Number one is easy, and reviewing it, the rationale for making 1971 Seaver's year is fine with me as well. David Wright's 2007 is a little too high, as is Santana's 2008. I like some seasons by lesser lights like Robin Ventura (32 and 100 in 1999), Bernard Gilkey (30 and 117 in 1996), Lance Johnson (in 1996 he had exactly the same OPS as Reyes in 2006) and Craig Swan (led the NL in ERA in 1978). But I think the biggest omission is Howard Johnson's 1989 (36 and 101 plus 41 steals).

Proud to Be An American

On this Veteran's Day I had the privilege of meeting Marine Corporal Aaron Mankin. I shook his hand (his left one) and thanked him for his service.

In 2005, Mankin was a Marine combat correspondent assigned to cover Operation Matador, a mission to root out insurgents near the Syrian border north of the Euphrates River. Mankin was riding in an amphibious assault vehicle when a massive explosion from an IED made from old artillery ammunition rocked the 26-ton vehicle.

The violent blast threw Mankin down inside the vehicle. When the instant haze of chaos and concussion cleared, Mankin opened his eyes. He was on fire.

The incident left Mankin with 25 percent of his body burned. His genetic predisposition to generate unusually high amounts of scar tissue caused his facial features to gradually contort, eventually twisting and fusing his nose and mouth area so much that his mouth shrank to a tiny, taut opening about an inch below an asymmetrical half-nose that, without its natural tip, displayed irregularly large nostrils and an upturned look.

Mankin underwent about 40 surgeries, including myriad skin grafts and an operation to open his mouth back up so he could eat normally.

Cpl. Aaron Mankin

I hope all of you take the time today to think about those who are risking their lives so we can continue to write blogs or whatever shit you do that you wouldn't be able to do in most other countries in the world.

Sammy Sosa is White

A shocking new picture of Sammy Sosa shows the slugger's skin has dramtically whitened since his baseball career ended.
Several possible explanations: vitaligo, some kind of condition caused by steroid use or perhaps he's bleaching his skin like Michael Jackson.



One theory ruled out, bad lighting. His wife looks the same in both pictures:




"It's a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some," Sosa said during the "Primer Impacto" program at the Univision Spanish network.

"It's a cream that I have, that I use to soften [my skin], but has bleached me some. I'm not a racist, I live my life happily," said a smiling Sosa during the interview.

Song of the Week

"SpottieOttieDopaliscious" - Outkast
This might be the most universally revered song in the history of music. Every single person I've ever spoken to about it absolutely loves it. When I first met Mrs. Poop she owned "Aquemini" and I asked her which her favorite track is. After saying "Rosa Parks" at first, she changed her mind and said "track 12."
That's when I knew I found my SpottieOttieDopaliscious angel.
Or maybe it was because "her neck was smellin sweeter than a plate of yams in extra syrup and her eyes were beamin like four carats apiece just blindin a [African-American gentleman]."



"Funny how shit come together sometimes ya dig
One minute you frequent the booty clubs
The next four years you and somebody daughter
Raising your own young'n"

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Shouldn't They Have Let Albany Score 5 More Points?

Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim got his 800th career victory in a 75-43 win over Albany.
In 1976, Syracuse beat Harvard 75-48 to give Boeheim his first career win.

Note: Syracuse forced Albany into 32 turnovers with its trademarked 2-3 zone. In the previous game, a loss to LeMoyne, SU worked on its man defense -- and allowed 50 points in the second half





Boeheim didn't let the occassion stop him from displaying some classic stupid faces.






I feel old because I was at the game when Boeheim won his 500th.
Even though I hate Boeheim I do kind of like the t-shirt which Manny's is selling for $15, only problem is, shipping is $10. But if anyone wants to order one maybe we can join forces and defray shipping costs.


.

I'm Not a Playa I Just Crush A Lot

Tali:



Cora:



Marissa:



Sarah:



Shayna:



Isabella:



Alyssa:

Monday, November 09, 2009

Harbinger

Syracuse lost to LeMoyne, a Division II cross-town rival. There's a chance this just was just a temporary blip, one that doesn't even count because this was just an exhibition game. It's possible Syracuse will be galvanized by this loss and with Arinze Onuaku inside, Andy Rautins outside and Wes Johnson in between they will make another run to the Sweet 16.

What I fear is more likely is that with the departure of Jonny Flynn, and Boeheim having run off two other good players (Paul Harris and Eric Devendorf), this could be an entire season full of embarrassing losses -- which could (looking on the bright side) finally lead to the retirement of Jim Boeheim and the ascension of Mike Hopkins.

If the latter situation is to happen one of those losses will come December 29th. That's because Nails and I are going to see the Orange play Seton Hall at the Prudential Center in Newark. Anyone wishing to join us should notify Nails soon because we are getting the tickets shortly.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Can't Blame the Cat for Trying

Uri Man hits on Fox News's Ainsley Earhart during an interview. Only problem is, he was too transparent. First rule of pick-up lines, the girl shouldn't know they're pick-up lines. But looking at her in the yellow dress I can understand what motivated his feeble attempt.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Weekly Picks

Damn, I can't seem to get anything going. But I do have a new guiding theory this week -- there aren't just two types of teams in the league (the really good and the really bad) there's also those that are good enough to beat the really bad but not good enough to beat the really good. The hard part is deciding which teams fit in that category, do the Giants?

INDIANAPOLIS -9 houston
The Colts are definitely one of those top teams. They played poorly last week but the offense will rebound this week.

ATLANTA -9.5 washington
I can't explain how bad the Redskins are but we're going to find out as they get into a tougher stretch of schedule.

detroit +10 SEATTLE
I think this is too big for a bad team like Seattle to cover. Even against a bad team like Detroit.

PHILADELPHIA -3 dallas
Dallas's last three wins came against Kansas City, Atlanta and Seattle, they might be one of those teams I was talking about. Or maybe the Eagles are. But with Philly's newfound firepower I think they can outscore Dallas.

BEST BET
SAN FRANCISCO -4 1/2 tennessee

The Titans burned me last week but I am trusting my read here. They did it all with the running game and I think the 49ers have a much better defense than Jacksonville. They played a pretty good game against the Colts but couldn't get the win. They should have better luck this week.


Last week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season: 19-21 (19 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-4)
Home Favorites: 1-1 (5-4)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (8-7)
Road Underdogs: 0-2 (5-9)

This is Why I Created the "Oversensitive Babies" tag

Suicide prevention groups aren't laughing over a scene in "The Office" where Steve Carell's character tries to scare young children by struggling in a hangman's noose.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and other mental health organizations say NBC and other entertainers should stop using suicide as a punchline. They worry that depiction of a method of suicide might encourage mentally ill people to take their own lives.
"We try not to be zealots about this," said Robert Gebbia, the foundation's executive director. "But this one ... kind of crossed the line."
"The Office" Halloween episode last Thursday opened with the paper company hosting a haunted house for young children. Carell's socially clueless office manager Michael Scott promises a scare, and pops out with his depiction of a hanging.
Afterward, Scott speaks like an exaggerated public service announcement: "Kids, just remember, suicide is not the answer. It is the easy way out."
Gebbia said it's impossible to imagine a death due to breast cancer, for example, being used as a joke. He said he wants entertainers to be aware of the impact of their work.
Two years ago, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention protested a General Motors commercial that showed a robot leaping off a bridge, and a Volkswagen ad with a man standing on a ledge threatening to jump.
"We're not trying to be censors or fall into the trap of wanting everything to be PC, politically correct," Gebbia said. "But on the other hand, it's offensive to some people who have lost relatives to suicide by hanging.


Michael Scott's mock hanging

I'm so sick of this crap. How do you depict a socially inept character if you can't have him do socially inept things?

Friday, November 06, 2009

Soccer Catfight

Unbelievable catfight at a women's soccer game between BYU and New Mexico.



What the hell does Elizabeth Lambert have to do to get a redcard?

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Worst Train Ride of My Life

I don't normally consider myself a friendly or outgoing person. I'd much prefer quiet and the comforts of my own thoughts to the awkward conversation of a stranger.

But I do try to be helpful and last night that put me on the worst train ride of my life. Even worse than when a suicidal teenager delayed my commute by two hours.

A British gentleman asked me which side of the tracks our train was arriving on. Then he asked which direction we'd be going, should he transfer at hoboken or secaucus and what time we'd arrive at Penn Station. When I answered all his questions he decided he'd just follow me to Penn Station.

Problem was, he didn't stop talking for 45 minutes. I tried to look disinterested. I pecked away at my blackberry, I stared out the window but nothing deterred him. Eventually I gave in and here's what I learned about David:

-he's Jewish but he didn't put on his yarmulke until I told him I was too
-as a kid his family used to go to a hotel every year for Pesach
-Dinkins was a bad mayor
-Giuliani was a good mayor (but he misses the working girls he used to see on the West Side of Manhattan)
-Koch was a good judge on "The People's Court"
-he was in the diamond business, which took him to India where he got his shirts custom-made
-the diamond business went south and now he is working at Jared (and I should come see him if I want to buy something nice for the Mrs.)
-he's recently divorced (why is he telling me this?)
-her father was a thief (he stole one of the custom-made shirts from India in a story eerily reminiscent of a run-in I once had with Pizza Parlor Derek)
-he thinks his former father-in-law is a cunt, or so he said five times (again, why is he telling me this?)
-him and his ex-wife never had much of a sex life. She just didn't turn him on, he faked headaches, pretended to be tired and she even accused him of being gay (seriously, can anyone tell me why?)

But this is the worst thing he said "I'll be taking this train every night from now on, so I guess I'll see you tomorrow night."

The Two Things I Hate About the Yankees and Their Fans

1) Right after the game YES Network fonted Derek Jeter as "5-time World Champion."
2) Everything else

Note: Every comment posted by TallSkott, the fakest Yankees fan ever will be deleted as soon as possible.

Congrats to Michael, for correctly guessing the winner of 6 of the 7 playoff series in our playoff predictions game.

Pizza Parlor Derek got 5 out of 6 but lost because the World Series was not canceled due to an H1N1 outbreak. Though I appreciate his plucky optimism.

Should I Give Her a Dollar?

For my birthday, Mrs. Poop got me this awesome Mitchell and Ness Mets jacket.



Because my birthday is in the summer I hardly if ever wore it until recently. One day when I came home from work Mrs. Poop asked if anyone at work liked my jacket. No one had said anything yet. The next day a Mets fan did say he liked my jacket. The day after that someone else complimented me on it as well. But the best compliment came from the crazy homeless lady who lives on 32nd street. I was so surprised at her "nice jacket" that I walked right by and didn't think about it until later that I probably should have given her a dollar.

Actually, I had been considering giving her money from an incident a couple weeks earlier (yes, I do see her every single day). As she was begging for money she said something to the effect of "please help me, I'm destitute."

A homeless woman with a good vocabulary and a love of the Mets, should I give her a dollar?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Penn State Pushes Christianity

Penn State's White Out T-shirts are emblazoned with the sign of the cross.
The vertical blue line intersects with the words "Penn State White Out" to create an unmistakable image of the cross.



Penn State says it has received six complaints about the shirt, including one from the Anti-Defamation League's Philadelphia branch, from people who say it connotes a Christian cross. The logo design also has become the focus of controversy in the student newspaper, "The Daily Collegian," which has received several letters to the editor on both sides of the issue.

Song of the Week

"Could It Be" - Jaheim
The age-old question, does she love me for me, or for my money?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Maybe Syracuse Needs Their Players to Get Hotter Girlfriends

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach blames his team's poor performance on their fat little girlfriends.

Ah-Nuld's Fuck You to the Legislature

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently vetoed a spending bill and included this evidently not so subtle message in the letter attached to his veto.

Ahnuld's fuck you letter

I've read the chances of spelling FUCK YOU with the first letter of seven lines of a letter are approximately 8 billion to 1. Now that seems totally high, but in the course of human history I'm sure 8 billion letters have been written, making this event a statistical likelihood -- eventually (something to do with the Infinite Monkey Theorem).

But if you only include the letters that were likely to be subjected to this level of scrutiny and public attention, the odds are Arnold meant to say fuck you.

Story suggested by Master Bates and the Concierge

Monday, November 02, 2009

Manu Ginobili Kills a Bat

Spurs guard Manu Ginobili (whom I blame for ruining the NBA by popularizing the head down run into defender at full speed offensive move that has become so popular recently) killed a bat during a game Halloween night.
Someone released a bat (evidently) during the game and after several failed efforts to catch it, Ginobili took a swipe at it and knocked it out of the air.



Notice Ginobili got a spritz of Purell from the trainer, just to make sure.

Funny or Douchey?

John Savio and Reko Rivera had this great idea for Halloween, they are going to be "guyphones" -- life-sized iPhones.
Basically they hooked up their iPhones to 42" flat-screen TVs which they used as the display. They're powered by a battery which hangs between their legs.
The costumes cost $1000 but the duos planned to make that money back by winning costume contests.
It took 90 hours of work to create the guyphones which are heavy, hot and hard to walk in.