Isn't It Ironic?

Mike Tice criticizes Vikings fans for selling their tickets to Steelers fans.
"Look, when you go to some stadiums, it's so deafening that you can't hear. When you have 15 to 20 thousand of the opponent's fans in there, it's not deafening," Tice said.
Coach, why did fans sell their tickets?
"Maybe they're not really diehard season-ticket holders or maybe they needed the money for Christmas presents. I don't know. One of the two."
All this comes from a man who was fined $100,000 for scalping his tickets to the Super Bowl last year.

Useless T-shirt

I obviously can't wear this shirt anymore.

Welcome to New York Michelle Damon

Michelle Damon will be accompanying her beloved husband to New York. I wonder how Anna Benson feels about this. Is New York big enough for two fake breasted, pushy ex-stripper, ballplayers' wives? We will soon find out.

More on Mrs. Damon, including denials that she used to work as a stripper. At least Anna is proud of her past.

Jesus Joins the Evil Empire

Johnny Damon signed with the Yankees for 4 years and $52 million. Damon was originally hoping to get a 7-year deal, but that was ridiculous. This is a little more reasonable, he'll only be 36 in the final year of the contract.
The Yankees ban long hair and beards meaning Johnny is in for an offseason makeover.

Funny Bathroom

Kobe Goes Off

Kobe Bryant scored 62 points in last night's game against Allas (there definitely was no D), and he only played three quarters. After three, Kobe had 62 points and Dallas only had 61. He shot 18-31 from the field and made 22 of 25 free throws and 4 3-pointers on 10 attempts. No one else on the Lakers scored in double figures.

Chad Johnson is Up to Something

Last week he handed the ball to the official. Don't expect something as understated this week. Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson is planning something big for this week's game.

He hit a deer on the highway, but didn't kill him. He took the animal home, is keeping it in his garage and plans to use him as a prop this weekend. He expects to be suspended for the last game of the says but says it'll be worth it.

Johnson says, "You can look forward to the celebration being part of something that has to do with Christmas. It's going to be fun. This is going to be the greatest celebration of all time, man. I actually use an animal."

Whatcha Gonna Do When Kamania Runs Wild on You?

Good profile on Clippers center Chris Kaman in the LA Times. Kaman is a weird dude.



First there is his Hulk Hogan haircut. It's a light blond, thinning on the top and long in the back. Kaman hasn't cut it in two years.

Kaman has ADD, but he recently stopped taking his medication. Sometimes his mind wanders on the court, but when that happens he has Sam Cassell to help him.

"Kaman is the kind of guy, he's like a giant bass, you give him slack, and give him slack, then you reel him in," Cassell said. "I yell at him because I believe in him."

Cassell also said: "Kaman is like a far-away island, farther than Hawaii, way, way out there."

That comes from a guy who is from Mars.

Kaman has a three man posse from Grand Rapids, Michigan. They don't drink or curse or go out to LA clubs and Kaman hates rap music. In their free time the shoot arrows at a styrofoam deer in the backyard, and play Monopoly.

In his apartment, Kaman has a piano that he doesn't know how to play, a pet dog and a pet python.

Schmuck Builds Giant Snowman

Billy Ray Powers had some free time this month. So with the help of neighborhood kids who helped him bring snow over from other people's yards, Powers built a 16 foot tall snowman. Snowzilla has a carrot for a nose and beer bottles for eyes. I guess there isn't much else to do in Alaska.

Let's Go Bowling

UPDATE: It's not too late. You can still create entries and make picks until December 27th. Obviously you will miss a few games but there will still be plenty of time to catch up. Derek took an early leading by designating Southern Mississippi as his most confident game.

Bowl games start tonight. Make your picks at ESPN's Bowl Mania game.
You pick the winner of each game and assign a confidence score of 1-28 for each.
Picks must be made today.
Join the group called "News U Can't Use"

Just Having Fun Out There

Back in the early 1990s there was no better hour on television than NFL PrimeTime. The nicknames, the fum-bulls, it was all new and exciting. Now every douchebag on TV has stolen his gimmick and Berman looks old and tired, just trying to hang on.
Sort of like his new idol, Brett Favre. Over the past few years Berman's hero worship of Favre has been sickening to watch. Every time Favre played like the white Aaron Brooks, Berman would call him a gunslinger and say how much fun he was having out there. Now Favre is basically one of the five worst starting QBs in the league and everyone knows it...except the select few who work on TV broadcasting NFL games or highlights.
On Sunday Berman and Tom Jackson gave the Colts a standing ovation for their wonderful season.
Come on guys, at least try to behave like journalists.

The Problem With A-Rod

Everyone knows Alex Rodriguez is a great player, but I've never met someone who is a big fan of his. And why does he always fail in big spots? Because he tries too hard.
This World Baseball Classic incident underscores what the problem with him is.
He decided not to play because he couldn't choose between the U.S. (the country he lives in) and the Dominican Republic (the country of his ancestry).
Now maybe he made that up because he didn't really want to play, but I don't think so.
A-Rod has to learn two important, related lessons:
1) You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself
2) When you try to please everyone you end up pleasing no one

Tractor?!?!?! We Gave a Kid a Tractor??!!!

Before Game 6 of the National League Championship Series Astros owner Drayton McLane told Roy Oswalt that he would buy him a bulldozer if he clinched the Astros' trip to the World Series.
Oswalt came through paid up with a slightly-used D6N XL from Caterpillar.
The D6N XL runs about $230,000 brand-new.
Oswalt, who recently bought a 1,000-acre spread near his hometown of Weir, Miss., said he'd use his new toy to fix two lakes and build a few roads. He even jokingly promised to redesign Minute Maid Park.
"I'm going to take out the Crawford Boxes and move them a little farther out," he said.

It's not a tractor but this is as close as we're going to get.

Transit Strike

No problem getting in this morning. I did have to get in about half hour earlier than normal though. And we also picked up a woman in Englewood Cliffs on the way. But we put on the radio and the guy on 1010 WINS said traffic was twice as heavy as normal on the GW Bridge, and the West Side Highway was backed up as people tried to get in before the 5am restriction on cars with fewer than four passengers. That guy was a liar. There was zero traffic on the bridge and on the West side.
This afternoon I will have to walk from Columbus Circle to Penn Station but that's not that big of a deal.

Rough Night for Kate

Here is her account:

just got home from the animal hospital with Diesel. Tonight around 8 Diesel started to heave and finally around 9 he threw up three times. Then for about an hour he continued to hack and gag, he was also constantly licking the carpet and his lips and drooling a lot so I called the vet which wasn't open and they said to call the Oradell Animal Hospital. I called them planning to only ask for some advice like should I give him rice or something. They said that it sounded too serious they could hear him hacking on the phone and said I needed to come right in.
He was triaged by some assistant and then brought to a room. We waited about a half hour to see the vet. She examined him and said he needed to have an X-ray to see if he had an obstruction. He was bouncing around the room and acting like his crazy self and I thought maybe it was a waste to bring him in. But he was still gagging and hacking. After she took him from me she came back out and told me that they would have to sedate him to do the x-rays. Big shocker there. I waited an hour and a half before hearing anything from them. In the meantime a bunch of dogs came in. Including a 10 year old doberman that was dying and the poor lady was crying her eyes out. They put me back in the room and the vet finally came in to tell me he had a bunch of air in his belly, but there was no obstruction. I asked her if the air could have been from all the gagging and licking he was doing before and she said yes. She was concerned that he might have an illeus, but that I could take him home and monitor him. I had told her earlier about all the snow he keeps eating and so I asked her if this could cause this. She said that the snow could make his stomach upset and that we shouldn't let him eat anymore. Good luck with that.
They had me wait in the room and the vet tech brought him out. He was stumbling around like he was drunk. His eyes were so droopy and he wasn't himself at all. They gave him some fluid subcutaneously (under his skin) and a shot of Pepcid to ease his stomach. I guess that combined with the sedation cured him. He collapsed on the floor while I was waiting to pay our bill, and fell over while trying to pee outside. I practically had to carry him up the stairs to our room. Hopefully our pet insurance will pay for some of the $747 bill. We have to submit the claim to them, they don't do it directly. We might have to get him a muzzle to wear while he walks so he doesn't eat as much snow. No matter how much we try to watch him and pull him away from it he seems to still eat so much. This is the third time he's thrown up after the eating a large amount of snow. But the other times he was fine after he threw up."

Malik Rose is a Welcher

The Knicks continue to downplay the shower-room altercation between Malik Rose and Nate Robinson after Wednesday's blowout loss to Orlando, still claiming it was simply over towels and soap. But Rose came clean yesterday, admitting that his welshing on a bet prompted the dust-up.
The two were OK with each other yesterday. When the media were let into the team's Greenburgh training facility, Rose was shagging rebounds for Robinson at the end of free throw drills.
Rose won't divulge what he owes Robinson for seeing his Eagles lose to the Seahawks two Monday nights ago, and the rookie did not make himself available to the media.
But Robinson apparently showed the kind of toughness that Isiah Thomas loves when he went into the shower to collect on the wager.
"Nate tried to jump on me when I was naked, thinking he had the advantage that way," Rose said. "He just got on my nerves, trying to get his money, and I'm not giving it to him. It was a couple of dollars."
The way Rose said "a couple of dollars," a couple of zeroes might be part of the bet.
Also as part of the payoff, Rose has to wear a Seahawks jersey and hat. Rose admitted that he tried to get out of the bet during the game when the Eagles' Michael [this is an error in the Daily News article. We all know it was Brian, the great Michael retired a long time ago] Westbrook was injured.
"All bets aren't good until halftime," he claimed. "When Westbrook went down, I didn't want to bet no more and Nate won't let me out of it. I don't think I should have to pay because all of my guys were injured."
This isn't the first tangle between Robinson and a teammate. Earlier this season, he and inactive center Jerome James had an altercation in practice.

Fighting naked in the shower doesn't seem like a good way to build team unity. But apparently Robinson and Rose did bury the hatchet. They went to the movies together this weekend, reportedly seeing "Brokeback Mountain".

Which Knick Was It?

Read this story is a couple papers:
Larry Brown told a story that illustrates his players' inability to grasp simple concepts when asked about the occasional shot-clock violations they've committed lately.

"One [player] asked me, 'How do I know the time [left on the shot clock]?'" he said. "I said, 'Well, it's usually on top of the backboard.'"

"I never thought I'd have to have that kind of response. But you just can't take anything for granted."

Smist's Dream

Smist always dreamed of bringing a sign to a game and getting shown on TV. Too bad he was never as clever as this Kentucky fan at their game versus Louisville on Saturday.

Sex Boat Allegations

We are finally hearing the specifics of what happened on the Vikings sex boat, thanks to the police reports.

Daunte Culpepper got a "lap dance" from a naked female. During this lap dance, Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer.

Fred Smoot held a double-headed dildo and moved the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were laying on the floor. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman.

Bryant McKinnie picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar and began to perform oral sex on the woman. This was in full view of the other guests and any crew members who were close by. At a different time in the evening, Mr. McKinnie and three other unidentified males received oral sex from four women while the men were seated on deck chairs on the boat.

Moe Williams received a "lap dance" which involved the dancer dancing bare breasted and Mr. Williams with his hands on and touching the breasts of the female.

My New Favorite NBA Player

Before last night's Dallas Mavericks game in Dallas, Devin Harris grabbed a microphone and wished the crowd Happy Holidays. Darrell Armstrong, then took the mike, even though he wasn't scheduled to speak.
Armstrong said "How bout those Redskins," rubbing into the crowd that Washington had just stomped the Cowboys, 35-7.
The Mavericks fined Armstrong $1,000 for the move.
But it was well worth it, I'm sure.
Armstrong says he has been an avid Redskins fan since he was a kid.
Cuban and coach Avery Johnson say the Cowboys are friends and the fine will go to a charity of the Cowboys choosing.

Mrs. Claus on the Naughty List

Kris Benson served as Santa Claus at the Mets annual holiday party. Anna Benson of course tagged along as Mrs. Claus. They reiterated that they don't want to be traded, they want to be with the Mets forever. Not sure if this amount of cleavage is appropriate for greeting youngsters, but oh well.

Classic NBA Game

Last week was the 22nd anniversary of one of the greatest games in NBA history. The night Detroit beat Denver 186-184 in three overtimes.
Douchebag Eric Neel wrote an article about the game for page2. But the most interesting part is the box score.

T.O. in GQ

Terrell Owens is in the latest issue of GQ blasting his teammates once again.
He said "some of my teammates didn't want to see me come back, but I came back," for the Super Bowl last year.
"When I was rehabbing, they called me selfish for trying to get on the field to play," he explained. "I said, 'You guys are labeling me selfish for rehabbing, trying to play in the biggest game of the year?' If Brett Favre had done it, you would've said he was a hero, would've given him an 'ironman' award or something like that."
He says the Eagles "used" him, and the media hates him.
He says his trip to the Astrodome to visit Katrina victims was ignored, while the Manning brothers were praised for their relief efforts.
The best part of the GQ article though is the sexy pictures of his fiance Felicia Terrell who really loves him.
The fact that she's an aspiring model with zero career who now appears in major magazines is just a positive externality of their love.

New Jib-Jab Video

If you watched CNN you would know, jib-jab is out with a new video skewering the President. But it's actually pretty funny. The guy filling up his SUV has the best line.

Courteney Cox's Future Husband Gets Promoted

Mr Zucker, who had been the president of the NBC Universal Television Group, will now be chief executive of a larger media entity that encompasses everything from new programme development to sales and distribution, English and Spanish-language television stations and digital operations. From his new post, he will also oversee the group's Olympic coverage, and could be in position to one day succeed Bob Wright as NBC Universal's chairman.

Weekly Picks

Bad week last week. I went 2-4, my first sub-.500 week of the season, lowering my season total to 34-20. Harley and Adam dropped 4 points behind the leader into a three-way death match for second, third and fourth place. Only the top 3 spots earn money so we are in a race to the finish.
Before I begin I'd like to take a moment to discuss the bloodshed last week. With a record number of favorites covering in Week 13, I fully expected some upsets in Week 14. I underestimated just how wide spread the nuclear winter would be. Instead of going with my year-long strategy (pick with your balls, not your brains), I played it safe and took all 6 favorites. And we all know how that turned out. This week we get back to slinging it around the field, and if we don't win, don't blame Adam or Harley. The buck stops here.

DOLPHINS -8.5 jets: New York is putrid, and they won last week. Now that Miami dones't care about winning anymore they are actually a pretty good team. But they are also coming of a huge win. But I think they can cover this spread. I think Nick Saban took the attention away from his team with his rant and I expect Miami to kill New York.

TEXANS +1.5 cardinals: I know I keep saying it but I love Arizona. This small spread makes the game basically a pick'em. In that case I'll go with Arizona every time. Especially because it looks like Houston is throwing the games. Last 3 lossses: blow 21 point lead to Rams, take 15-13 lead and allow Kyle Boller to go 32 yards in less than a minute to beat you 16-15, and last week, kicker shanks one to avoid a tie.

COLTS -7.5 chargers: All good things must come to an end. The streak ends here. A pissed of San Diego team, mad at losing to Miami, mad at Josh for calling them whale vagina, mad at Mario Lopez and every other douchebag for imploring them to stay classy is going to play inspired football and kick Indianapolis's ass. If San Diego doesn't win outright they will at least be the first team to play Indy within a touchdown all season.

SAINTS +7.5 panthers: I'm struggling with this one due to the success of my backup quarterback theory. I know Aaron Brooks sucks and that New Orleansis probably better off without him. But Todd Bauman is no Brad Johnson. Carolina let their division lead slip away last week and I don't see a similar letdown coming again. I predict Carolina covers and Steve Smith does a stupid touchdown celebration to keep up with his former junior college teammate, Chad Johnson.

JAGUARS -15.5 49ers: I know San Francisco is horrible, especially on the road. But David Garrard led them to 3 points before the Colts defense gave up last week. All San Francisco needs is one touchdown to cover this spread.

VIKINGS -3.5 steelers: All good things must come to an end. Pittsburgh is just too physical for Minnesota. I also think Roethlisberger proved he can play with his injury therefore minimizing any Tommy Maddox worries. Minnesota also had to deal with the news of these charges against four players (Free Fred Smoot!) but who knows if they will once again react positively to that bad situation. Either way I love the Bus and Pittsburgh in this one.

RAVENS +3.5 packers: I know Brett Favre is just having fun. And I know he's the old gunslinger. I know I fuckin hate him now. I think Green Bay will win by a field goal again, meaning Baltimore is the pick.

You the One Who Got my Sister Pregnant

Interesting twist to this year's Fiesta Bowl featuring Notre Dame against The Ohio State University. Derek's favorite porn star lookalike, AJ Hawk is dating the sister of Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn.
Laura Quinn, a California college student pursuing a career in sports broadcasting, reportedly met Hawk through mutual friends, but Hawk wouldn't give details.
And what if Hawk is blitzing and gets a clean shot at perhaps his future brother-in-law?
"Hopefully I don't miss the tackle," he said. "I try to take everyone's head off. I'm not going to play any differently. If it's my own brother, I wouldn't change my play."
Hawk said he and Laura Quinn had been "trying for a little bit" to keep their relationship under wraps. "But we kind of realized once it got out that it might get big," he said.
Hawk didn't exactly deny a rumor going around South Bend, Ind., that he's spending Christmas at the Quinns'.
"On Christmas Day I'll be back in Centerville with my family," he said.
Hawk said he has not had a sit-down dinner with Laura and Brady Quinn and their family.
Hawk said there isn't any debate on whom she will be rooting for. "I tell her she's rooting for her brother," Hawk said. "She better; she's known him a lot longer than me."

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Holla if you hear me!
I got the hook up!
Great news loyal NUCU readers!
Romeo suffered a basketball injury and had to drop out of the second season of Dancing with the Stars.
He is being replaced by his father, Percy Miller, aka Master P.

Former NFL Lineman Dies

Earlier today I saw on TV that a car ran off the road, knocked over a fire hydrant and ran into a bus. Former NFL lineman Darrell Russell was in that car.
Russell was the second pick in the 1997 NFL Draft, behind Orlando Pace but ahead of Tony Gonzalez, Warrick Dunn and Walter Jones. Russell played the with Raiders, Buccaneers and very briefly the Redskins.
He could not stay out of trouble and had a couple suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy.
He was also involved in a bizarre incident in which he was accused of drugging a woman and then having two of his friends have sex with the woman while he recorded it on his video camera and shouted out directions, like "give her the business."
A sad end to an all-too-familiar story, people who seemingly have everything end up with nothing.

Colored Persons Love Donovan

The mainstream media finally picked up on a story NUCU brought to you last week. The head of the Philadelphia NAACP, J. Whyatt Mondesire, ripped Donovan McNabb, insulting as both a football player and black man.
Earlier this week Donovan expressed his disappointment and now the head of the NAACP is apologizing to Donovan.
NAACP president and CEO Bruce S. Gordon said, "The NAACP has many civil rights issues that require our attention. Criticizing Donovan McNabb is not one of them."

My Name is Rey Ordonez

Bill used to tell girls he was Billy McCaffery because he thought that was cool. Utah Jazz guard Deron Williams told cops his name was Torry Ellis, because he's an idiot. Now Williams and bench-warming teammate Robert Whaley, a 6-foot-10 center who told police he was Bobby Williams, were each cited with one count of providing false information to a peace officer.
They got into a fight at a bar in Park City Utah after some Nuggets fans told them they didn't like the Jazz.
Someone told the cop that Williams and Whaley were on the Jazz, he looked them up on the internet and recognized them. That's how a little lie turns into a big problem.
We have no idea where Williams conjured up the pseudonym Torry Ellis.

My Dad is Gonna Love This

My dad hates loud music at sporting events. So this should be music to his ears. In an ESPN.com NBA commissioner David Stern said "most of our teams don't [hate the loud music] and think that the fans like the entertainment. We're trying to find a few games to experiment with for teams to give us a "silent night" so to speak."

The Genius of Justin

The picture of my friend Andy in the penguin suit was digitally doctored by Justin.
Check out his handiwork:

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother is a good show on CBS that I don't think very many of you are watching. You should be.
First you have Ted, the dorky hopeless romantic, star of the show. The I in How I Met Your Mother. Bob Saget voices Ted in 2030, telling his future kids the story of How I Met Your Mother.
In the first episode, Ted meets a girl, takes her out and at the end of the episode Bob Saget tells the kids, "that's how I met...your Aunt Robin."
Robin is now a valued addition to the cast as the hot brunette in the picture above.
She also provides a female cohort for Alyson Hanigan, who basically reprises her role as band camp girl. She is engaged to Ted's roommate Marshall.
They add a good dimension because the show has something for singles and couples. For instance Mike and Stacey loved the episode in which Marshall and Lily feel they should become a more mature couple so they host a wine tasting at their apartment.
But the best character on the show is Barney. Played by Neil Patrick Harris aka Doogie aka NPH. He is constantly trying to get laid and tries to rope Ted into being his wingman. He wears suits to impress girls and implores Ted to "suit up."
Barney originated the "dating lemon law" which allows you to walk away from a bad date after 5 minutes. He was ecstatic when a girl used it on him. "Its gonna be a thing."
On Thanksgiving Barney took Ted to a strip club where Ted met a stripper, then told his future kids, "That's how I met your mother." The future kids (and Kate and I) were shocked, but it was just a joke. We still don't know how he met my mother.
The Halloween episode was classic also. Barney loves Halloween because it gives girls the opportunity to dress like sluts, guilt free.
Barney wanted him and Ted to go as Iceman and Maverick from Top Gun. He told Ted to "flight suit up." Ted refused choosing to wait around hoping to meet a girl he had met years earlier dressed as the slutty pumpkin. Barney pretended to be her while wearing a penguin suit.

Matt Leinart Story Never Happened

"She didn't slap me," said Leinart in an exclusive interview. "And I didn't grope her."
Sports Illustrated writer Arash Markazi was at Marquee with Leinart.
"I saw her," said Markazi. "He didn't do anything wrong. And there was no slapping."
Markazi said it would have been impossible for the incident described to occur without everyone knowing something happened. "If Matt Leinart got slapped, there would have been a scene. There would have been a big commotion."
Markazi said that it was actually Leinart who was under assault all night. "Once everyone found out he was there, they all swarmed."
But Leinart was there to enjoy the evening with his friends, not looking to meet girls. "One tried coming on to him," said Markazi, "and he just kind of turned his back on her."
Still, Leinart made an effort to be courteous to those who approached him. "He was just trying to mind his own business and be nice to people," said Markazi. "He was very cordial, shook their hand and took a picture if they asked for one. He didn't 'big time' anyone."
Leinart said that's what happened with the woman in the photos, who wanted a picture with him. "I was just trying to be nice."
Those photos, which were attached to the email sent out to those websites by the third party, hardly confirm the groping claims.
"I just laugh at this," said Leinart, no stranger to the perils of celebrity. "I mean, come on, I have a girlfriend I love."
As for all the commotion that the photos caused? Leinart's not fazed. "If someone's trying to get five minutes of attention, it's just funny to me."
"I have more important things to think about," he said, referencing his preparation for the Rose Bowl.