Sure Took You Long Enough

The 8-thousand and twentieth time is the charm. The New York Mets have their first no-hitter in franchise history.
My father and I have a long-standing debate over whether he can actually jinx no-hitters. He has called me so many times to tell me to put the game on, to ask if I'm watching, and each time the first hit was struck shortly after. He insisted that his calls had nothing to do with it. I told him his success rate was zero on calling and getting me to watch a no-hitter. Might as well try a different strategy. And this time, he was here with me in my house, so he couldn't call me.
And it's a good thing he was. Often on Friday nights I record the Mets game and watch something else with Mrs. Poop. Best case scenario, I would have seen it only delay. But in this case two things were set to record on the DVR. So if not for wanting to watch the game with Papa Poop, I might not have seen it at all.
And it's great that it happened on a Friday night. This could have been a Tuesday 10pm start in San Diego. But it was Friday when Mets fans were home, and even if they weren't watching they got an e-mail (though no one should be e-mailing during a no-hitter) saw a tweet or a Facebook post, and I'm sure by the end every serious Mets fan (except for Damino) was praying for the end of this dreaded streak.
If it couldn't be Tom Seaver, or Dwight Gooden in his short but spectacular prime, I am glad Johan was the pitcher to do it. Some teams have no-hitters by journeymen like Philip Humber, AJ Burnett and Bobo Holloman. The first (and hopefully not the last) no-hitter in Mets history was thrown by one of the best pitchers in franchise history.

Don't be confused by the announcers' talk, there is no way Terry Collins was taking Johan out of this game. Maybe if it were another franchise, but not the Mets. We needed this one, we deserved this one. And Johan said there was no way he was going to give up the ball.
It was funny to watch Santana bat in the 9th inning. It was probably the first time anyone ever went to the plate planning not to swing and hoping to strike out, not walk.
I think we can all agree after having seen the replay that the Beltran foul ball should have been ruled fair and a hit. But that's just part of the game. Maybe this is the Universe giving what it took from Armando Galarraga to a fan base that could really use it. I don't think it should diminish what Johan accomplished because he pitched a great game and still had to get 27 guys out without allowing a hit.

The second most tense moment of the game involved Mike Baxter slamming into the wall but holding on for a catch. Yadier Molina (that fuckin guy) hit one deep to left and Baxter grabbed it before smashing into the wall. It looks like he hurt his arm, maybe shoulder, so hopefully he won't be out very long. But it should surprise no one that overcoming a curse like this required some human sacrifice.
Did you all see the idiot fan in the Gary Carter jersey?

He actually made it into the pile before security beat his ass.

Every Mets game after the first opponent's hit Chris Majkowski, the producer for the Mets radio broadcast on WFAN, tweets out the particulars of the hit followed by the hashtag #nottonightboss. Now he was finally able to send this tweet: Tonight. Boss.

The folks at nonohitters.com updated their website to say "The streak ends at 8,019: Santana no-hits Cards."
What are they going to do now?
What is Majkowski going to do now?
What am I going to do now?

In a big way the experience of being a Mets fan is defined not by success but by failure. Not just abject failure, close-to-the-top, soul-crushing failure. The Mets always make you believe, and usually let you down. The no-hitter streak exemplifies that. The Mets have always been a franchise of great pitchers. And it's not like they haven't had chance, 35 1-hitters in team history.
That's the whole identity of being a Mets fan. Of always being second to the Yankees, always coming up short. But not tonight, Johan changed all that. Next time a Mets pitcher takes a no-hitter into the 7th or 8th, maybe Papa Poop won't even bother calling, and if he doesn't maybe I won't even get upset.
Because finally a New York Mets pitcher has pitched a no-hitter. Something I have been waiting my entire life to see has finally happened.

The Riches of the Father

UCLA will be suiting up a new freshman cornerback this season, a kid named Justin Combs. If the last name sounds familiar it is because Justin is the son of Sean Combs aka Puff Daddy aka P-Diddy aka Diddy aka Diddy Dirty Money. Combs will be attending UCLA on a football scholarship and this has some people upset. They don’t think the son of a guy with a net worth of half-a-billion dollars should be getting a free ride to attend school. Not when the state’s education system is broke. Not when so many underprivileged students can’t afford to attend UCLA.
The school says athletic scholarships are handed out based on merit, not need. If Combs is a good athlete and an adequate student (and he’s reportedly better than that) he earned this scholarship and he deserves it.
This is a big problem in this country right now, attacking the rich based on some misguided notion of what is fair.
Basically the argument goes like this: either it is unfair that one kid has a ridiculously rich father AND a football scholarship, or it’s unfair that a kid who earned a football scholarship should have to pay for college just because he can afford to.
It will be a real shame if this attitude pervades America so deeply that rich and successful people and their children are begrudged their wealth and success, even when they’ve clearly worked hard to earn what they have.
Justin Combs should go to UCLA, play hard, study hard and grow into a fine young man.
Sean Combs should count his money. And if he wants to give some of it to the school as a donation or to a needy kid for an education, that would be great. And if he doesn’t, then that’s fine too.

Song of the Week

"Call Me Maybe" - Carly Rae Jepsen
The latest teeny-bopper pop song that I love.
"Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my number
So call me maybe"

Journalistic Ethics

A Romanian TV weatherman was supposed to file a story about heavy winds along the Black Sea. But he was late to the scene and the wind had died down. So he had his production assistant assist in the production of a sandstorm. But his idiot cameraman panned out too wide and you can see the guy kicking the sand:

He Knew Exactly Who They Were

Bill Clinton gets photographed at a party with porn stars Tasha Reign and Brooklyn Lee, who incidentally won Best New Starlet and Best Sex Scene at this year's AVN Awards. This reminds me of Mike Wilbon's photo with a porn star nearly 4 years.

Greed is Not Good

Thomas Langenbach, who lives in a $2 million home in San Carlos, Calif., and is a top executive at German software giant SAP, allegedly plastered his homemade bar codes on Legos at the Cupertino Target. After taking them home, he sold them on eBay using the name “tomsbrickyard,” according to police.
"In his house, we found hundreds of boxes of unopened Lego sets," Liz Wylie, a spokeswoman for the Mountain View police, told the Mercury News. "He sold 2,100 items in just over a year on eBay, and made $30,000.”v Police were tipped off by loss prevention officers at Target. They spotted him on security tape buying the toys at unsanctioned discounts (he'd mark down $100 sets to $30) and put out fliers alerting clerks to the scam.
On May 8, a loss prevention officer on duty at the Mountain View Target recognized Langenbach and trailed him through the store, observing as he allegedly placed his own bar codes on several items. After he checked out, store security detained him until police arrived.
Armed with a search warrant, cops found a massive stockpile of Legos in Langenbach’s house, as well as dozens of his homemade bar code stickers in his car.


Interesting scam perpetrated by Langenbach and quite genius actually. He didn't get caught because of a flaw in his system, it was his greed that allowed him to be apprehended. I have always said this about counterfeiters. If you can make really good counterfeit bills you can probably pass them at any store in town and get away with it. What's wrong with never paying for a meal or gas or groceries ever again with little fear of getting caught. The problem is when they get greedy and try to buy a Jaguar in cash.
And this is what brought down Mr. Langenbach. And he probably didn't even need the money. He was an executive at SAP and living in a fancy home. He probably did it just for the thrill of getting away with something. If I were to do this I would go once a week to Target, maybe to Toys R Us, perhaps to a couple different locations and buy one set at a time. You'd be the best dad ever, and could even make a few bucks on eBay if you choose to fence the items. But when you buy 2,000 Lego sets you start to raise suspicion.

Song of the Week

"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" - PM Dawn
I remember when these guys were really hot. But this unique style didn't really catch on. It was just a few weeks ago, Billie told me this song was sampled from "True" by Spandau Ballet. Turns out one of the guys from Spandau Ballet co-wrote this song.

What is She Hiding?

Bloomberg reporter Sara Eisen caught with her pants down (skirt up?) when they suddenly put the camera on her after the previous reporter had an audio issue.




What the hell was that between her legs? I am guessing it was the battery pack for the mic, but I have never seen one that big. Usually its just a small little box clipped to a belt. Not a giant box like that.

Crazy. Poor thing got embarrassed on the internet and she actually handled it quite well.



Story suggested by Gnitsark

Song of the Week

"Let's Get It" - G-Dep featuring Diddy and Black Rob
G-Dep recently turned himself in for a murder he committed 20 years ago. He robbed and shot a man and fled without knowing if his victim would recover. He didn't, but G-Dep got away with murder literally. The case was never solved and wasn't even being pursued anymore when G-Dep walked into the precinct and confessed. He says he did it to "get right with God" but I think he was hoping for more leniency in prosecution. He got convicted on second degree murder and will serve 15 years.

Prom Nightmare

Prom is the most important day in any high school girl’s life. There is so much to worry about, finding the right dress, the right boy, the right hairstyle. So much needs to be arranged, the pre-prom party, the post-prom party, the limo. And once you’ve got all those things you want to go someplace really pretty to take pictures.

In Fair Lawn that place is the park behind our house. Almost the entire school goes there to take pictures with their friends, since they know everyone else they know is going to be there. This year because Chase was in the child care program at the high school we went so he could take pictures with his senior buddies.

Note: there are many great photos of Chase in his baseball tie with teenage girls in prom dresses but I feel a little weird about posting hot barely legal tail on this blog. If you're into that sort of thing, check out Mrs. Poop’s Facebook page.

These girls were so excited to see Chase and so happy to take pictures with him. Even though it was their day they made time for this petulant toddler.

Note: the buddies were so nice to Chase that Mrs. Poop and Mama Poop were nearly reduced to tears.

Much like the Fair Lawn High School prom, the students from Kettle Moraine High School in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin found a beautiful location for pictures, a friend’s lake house. They all gathered on the pier for this lovely photo:

And then the dock collapsed. And someone snapped this photo:

As funny as that is I do feel badly for these poor kids who had their prom ruined, especially the one in the white dress using every ounce of tricep strength she has to avoid becoming submerged and see-through.

There is only one winner here, the guy on the far left holding onto his date. If he got her back on land dryshod you know he got laid that night.

What Happened to Lark Voorhies?

The former Saved by the Bell sweetheart has seen better days. Even Screech wouldn't hit that now. Her face looks puffy now, and not just from weight gain but possibly from cheek injections. She is 38, but looks more like 50.

Story Suggested By Razor

Don't Be Like Mike, Rest When You Have the Flu

Gatorade does not cure the flu. Just wanted to make sure you knew that, especially if you have seen the latest Gatorade commercial. It shows Michael Jordan during the famous “Flu Game” in 1997. The ad shows him looking sick, drinking Gatorade (or something from a Gatorade cup) and then dribbling and hitting shots. All the while, Phil Jackson talking about Michael Jordan’s will to win. The Public Health Advocacy Institute wants the Federal Trade Commission to pull the ad because it “openly promotes engaging in vigorous physical activity while suffering a very high fever.” It wants Pepsi to come out with new advertising to promote the government recommendation that people with the flu should stay home and rest. Because this ad sends a terrible message to teens that they should play through injuries and win at all costs.

Song of the Week

"I'll Always Love My Mama" - The Intruders
You may recognize this sample from "Get Involved" by Raphael Saadiq and Q-Tip.
Happy Mother's Day Mom.

Quick Questions

1) If you have sex in Denver does that mean you joined the Mile High Club?

2) I left three dollars bills in my pants when they went in the wash. Is that technically money laundering?

3) I think Kate Upton is hot in this picture of her wearing a suit and tie. Does that make me gay?

Let Me Upgrade You

The last two times the UFC came to New Jersey (still not regulated in New York) I tried to get tickets but the upper level (affordable tickets) had sold out in the presales, before they went on to the public.
So when I heard UFC on Fox 3 was coming to the IZOD Center I didn't even feel like wasting my time. But then the morning they went on sale I decided to e-mail TON and see if he wanted to go. He e-mailed me back 19 minutes late and said “do it!” So I did.
But we had horrible seats. $65 buys a seat in row 21 (of about 24) in a corner section of the upper level. We sat there for most of the undercard (we arrived early, wanting to get our money’s worth). And right before the main card was set to begin I heard someone say “you guys want to move down?” I thought it was the guy next to us talking to his friend, but it was actually an usher passing out a stack of tickets.
You may remember a similar thing happened to us when we went to see Kimbo Slice fight in Elite XC. But that time they made an announcement asking people to move down, and people dashed down the steps. This time the usher was much more selective. People a couple rows ahead of us were not given the upgrade. We were quite literally in the right place at the right time.
Our new seats were in the back of the lower level as opposed to the back of the upper.

In our new digs we were right in the middle of the action, we saw Tim Boetsch walking down the aisle (an being heckled by a loudmouth behind us. Clay Guida was walking into the tunnel to our left. Joseph Benavidez was in the luxury box behind us. And after the fights (we stayed for all the post-fight interviews, and to see Diaz walk out) we ran into Jon Fitch who was incredibly gracious, taking pictures with anyone who asked.

We also saw an unusual number of women dressed like they were going to meet their future husband. Fancy dresses, high heels, hair did, lots of makeup. I guess they just wanted the attention. But they were totally outshone by the girls at the Harley-Davidson booth.

But on to the fights:

Not much to say about the undercard. John Dodson fought Tim Elliot in a very entertaining flyweight fight. Both guys are very athletic and tried some crazy moves. But it wasn’t a great fight. Dodson won a decision and did his backflip.
Louis Gadinot (the one with the green hair) was also pretty exciting. He got a standing guillotine and was able to get the tap with just a few seconds left in the round.
While TON and I were talking between fights I had mentioned that I noticed an unpleasant trend in MMA lately. The sport seemed to have progressed to a point where fighters are so good at picking their spots and counter-punching, that the aggressiveness has gone out of the sport. I truly believe that someone with the same talent and fighting style as Chuck Liddell used when he was a champion, wouldn’t make it in the UFC today. You can’t just wing crazy punches, you will get knocked out.
Pat Barry is the perfect example of this. I love the guy, he is one of the most exciting fighters ever and a joy to watch. He is the practitioner of vicious leg kicks (we could hear them make contact from our new seats). But he is now 3-5 in his last 8 fights. And in 3 of those losses (Crocop, Congo and Lavar Johnson) he had a major advantage, but instead of playing it safe, he kept up the aggressiveness and got caught. Against Johnson he actually had a takedown, and a full mount, and almost a mounted crucifix. He lost that position and when the fight returned to its feet, Johnson unloaded on him, hitting him with at least 15 strikes before knocking him down, at which point the ref jumped in and saved Barry.
Maybe TON and I were among the few UFC aficionados in our new section because when some loudmouth yelled out “watch for the heel hook” 1 second into the Whosimmar PaulHarris – Alan Belcher fight, we were the only two people laughing. Belcher almost paid the price for ignoring that advice. He willingly got himself into a crazy grappling match with a guy known for breaking limbs. It was quite a technical ground battle, very enjoyable to watch. But in the arena you have to look at the monitors for most of the ground fighting, impossible to see whether chokes are sunk in, and other positioning nuances, when the fighters are on top of each other and obscured by the ref, the cameraman and or the Octagon posts. Belcher slithered his way out of PaulHarris’s grip and delivered some of the most devastating ground n pound I’ve ever seen. Real, clean, hard shots right to the face.

In case you couldn’t hear it at home, the crowd was chanting “Fuck You Koscheck” during his fight against Johnny Hendricks. I hate Josh Koscheck too and really wanted to see him get his ass beat. He lost in a mostly boring split decision. Right after the fight I had thought he won but on watching it again I can see why the judges scored it as they did. Koscheck won the first round clearly. Hendricks didn’t do too much in round 2, but Koscheck did nothing, zero. He didn’t lead out once the entire fight. Several times the crowd booed as the two fighters played patty-cake instead of throwing punches. So Hendricks won round 2 by default. In round 3 Hendricks came and landed some good combinations, but he got taken down with 2 minutes left. Normally that is the kiss of death as far as judge’s scoring goes. But Kos did so little damage while on top, it was almost a win for Hendricks. And that’s what it became.
The main event was another good versus evil matchup as the crowd was solidly behind hometown boy (“he’s from Whippany”) Jim Miller instead of mental defective Nate Diaz. Diaz dominated round 1 and toyed with Miller in round 2, mocking him and urging him to punch. And finally he cracked Miller, got his back and choked him out. We did not know this in the arena at the time but Miller lost his mouthpiece and was getting choked with his tongue out of his mouth. Joe Rogan said he was being forced to bite off his own tongue.
That was about the only thing we missed by being in the arena. Even though you can see the fight much better on TV, the in-arena atmosphere was awesome and I would love to go again next time the UFC comes to town. Though I doubt we’ll ever get so many good fights and the same good seats.

Oh No, No More Mo

Even as a Mets fan I am saddened by the injury to Mariano Rivera. He tore his ACL while shagging flies in the outfield during batting practice. At 42 years old and in the midst of what was likely his last season anyway, Rivera will likely never pitch in a Major League game again. In a crumpled heap on the warning track is how the career of the greatest relief pitcher ever ends.

There isn’t even a debate as to whether Rivera is the best reliever ever. He has the most saves (608), the best ERA (2.21), the best FIP (min. 500 innings) and the best WAR (39) by far. He’s worth nearly 10 more wins over the course of his career than the second best guy, Goose Gossage. Only 9 relievers contributed even half as many wins over their careers as Rivera did. But like I said that is a foregone conclusion. It’s more fun to compare him to starting pitchers. His WHIP is unbelievable, second only to Addie Joss. And that doesn’t include any kind of adjustment for era. His ERA stacks up well, but many dead-ball era pitchers like Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson and Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown are better. Until you adjust ERA for era. The career leaders for ERA+ (which basically compares ERA to league average and adjust for park effects) is 206. Meaning his ERA was less than half of league average for his career. Pedro Martinez is second, with 154. That’s a pretty big gap between 1st and 2nd all time. When you look at his individual seasons on ERA+ the numbers are sick. 308 in 2005, 316 in 2008 and a bunch of other years in the mid and high 200s. To put this in perspective, 150 is really good, 200 is amazing. He is routinely above 200.

And I haven’t even mentioned his postseason performance yet. He is arguably the great postseason performer of any player ever. 8-1 with 42 saves and 0.70 ERA in 141 innings. Against only the best teams. That is amazing. And all those great regular season numbers I just listed pale in comparison to his October greatness. Greatness we will likely never see again. Not from anyone else, and unfortunately not from Rivera himself either.

A Tan for All Seasons

Patricia Krentcil is a 44-year old mother of 5. She took her 5-year old daughter to the tanning salon. The child’s school noticed the little girl (who is actually quite pale) came to school with a burn. They reported it to authorities and the mother was arrested on child endangerment charges. That’s all well and good. Everyone knows little kids shouldn’t tan. It’s dangerous for everyone and could lead to skin cancer, but it’s especially bad for children who can’t make an informed choice about it. But no one would give two shits about this story if it weren’t for this awesome picture of the mother.

She looks like she smeared herself in chocolate. She looks like Kramer when he fell asleep in the tanning booth.

Giving the Orange Haters Ammunition

I don't even know how to cleverly write about this. Some Syracuse students, with a lot of University cooperation, recorded a Syracuse version of LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It." How they got Floyd Little to do that dance I don't know, but I will never look at him the same way again.

Song of the Week

"Feel So Close" - Calvin Harris
There is nothing to this song. There are like ten words, but it has a cool beat.

Kate Upton is a Better Dancer Than David Green

Supermodel Kate Upton first stole our hearts while sitting courtside at a Clippers game and chair-dancing the Dougie.

Now she is teaching us how to do the Cat Daddy.

That looks like the same swimsuit she barely fit into on the cover of the Swimsuit Issue. And she was about to fall out of it while dancing or she might have kept going.
Bonus Kate Upton video with Kevin Durant and James Harden (before he got elbowed in the head presumably):

The tight asses at youtube actually removed the Cat Daddy video, here's an article explaining why: She dressed conservatively at the White House Correspondents dinner and still managed to turn heads. So imagine what model Kate Upton could do if she wore a red bikini and started dancing. That's what famed fashion photographer Terry Richardson wanted to find out with his latest art project, the Cat Daddy dance. The answer is: YouTube pulls the video for violation of its code on "nudity and sexual content" just as gossip websites around the world are trying to embed it. Although Upton is dressed provocatively in the video, and at times threatens dance out of her bikini, she isn't at any point naked, or flashing nipples.

What Do You Give Me For? Romeo Crennel and Reggie Smith

I was watching some recorded episodes of MLB Network's brilliant show "Baseball's Seasons" and I found myself dumbfounded by the fact that I never knew Kansas City Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel played for the Los Angeles Dodgers in the late 70s and early 80s. I'm kidding of course, but what do you give me for Romeo Crennel and Reggie Smith?

We Should Keep Our Eyes On This Kid

There's a boy in Texas named Flint who probably should be under federal surveillance for the rest of his life. After the local-TV weatherman Albert Ramon visited Flint's school, Flint's teacher had the class write thank you letter to Ramon. Here is Flint's letter:




"Thank you again for teaching us about meteorology [sic], you're more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out of bacon riding a cyborg unicorn with a lightsaber for the horn on the tip of a space shuttle closing in on Mars while engulfed [sic] in flames...And in case you didn't know, that's pretty dang sweet."

I've got my eye on you, Flint.

The Steal of the Draft

Everyone at the NFL Draft talks about raw talent, but no one has more than Lauren Tannehill, wife of Miami Dolphins draft pick Ryan Tannehill. When 25 million NFL fans saw this shot on ESPN, a new star was born.

And if there were a best-dressed award at the draft, Lauren Tannehill certainly wins it.

Not sure who Miami owner Stephen Ross is happier to have on his team.

Baseball is Poop

The Best Player in Baseball
If you don’t follow baseball very closely, or you have a vote for MVP (maybe that’s redundant) you might not have known that Matt Kemp is the best player in baseball. Last year he was better than Ryan Braun in virtually every category; and a full win better in the crucial WAR ranking. While Braun was later disgraced for failing a steroids test and winning an appeal without even challenging the result, Kemp has emerged ready to prove his place as the best player in baseball. His stats this year are ridiculous, through 19 games he has 10 homers, 23 RBI and a WAR of 2.2. Multiply those numbers by 8 and look at his 1450 OPS and bow down at his greatness.

When Will It End?
The incredible story of Jamie Moyer is continuing this season. Through 4 starts, Moyer is 1-2 with a 2.28 ERA, though FIP (4.25) seems to indicate he’s benefitting from some favorable defense so far. When Moyer recorded his 268th win he became the oldest pitcher in major league history to win a game. What’s even more impressive at his age, he stayed up to watch the whole thing.

Why Couldn’t He Do This When He Was a Pitcher?
One of the most remarkable careers we are having the pleasure of witnessing is Rick Ankiel’s. He started as a pitcher, had an infamous playoff meltdown and couldn’t throw strikes. Then he went to the minors and remade his career as an outfielder. And he still possesses that wonderful arm. Only difference is now he can actually throw strikes.

If Only All Pitchers Were Like Bartolo Colon
Bartolo Colon threw a Major League record 38 straight strikes (MLB cut it all into one video), a Major League record. During that span he got 10 outs and gave up two hits. Maybe more pitchers should follow his lead.

Win Without Him, Can't Win With Him
The pre-season storyline involving the St. Louis Cardinals was that we shouldn't write off the Cardinals just because they were losing The Magnificent Pooh Holes. Because they were acquiring one of the best pitchers in the National League, Adam Wainwright. If they won the World Series without him imagine what they could win with him. So far not much. The Cardinals are 12-3 when he doesn't start and 0-4 when he does. Wainwright has a 7.32 ERA in 4 starts, but his 2.70 xFIP points to a fair amount of bad luck that should normalize as the season goes on.

Humber Makes Lumber Slumber
Philip Humber, part of the Johan Santana trade, became the 21st pitcher in Major League History to pitch a perfect game. He also became the 17th former Met to pitch a no-hitter. The Chicago White Sox have had two perfect games in 5 years, and the Mets have gone 50 without a no-hitter. But lest you think the Mets let the next Nolan Ryan get away, Humber got bombed for 9 runs in 5 innings in his next start.

Ballpark Etiquette

A very interesting situation developed in Texas earlier this week. Rangers first baseman Mitch Moreland tossed a ball into the stands. An older gentleman (in his 40s or 50s) catches the ball and gives it to his wife. The young kid seated next to him (3 or 4) started to cry. The couple was indifferent to his wails and kept the ball, even posing for pictures with it.
The kid was very cute and eventually someone from the Rangers dugout did toss him a ball, making his day and bringing a delightful smile to his face. But this doesn’t make the old couple villains. You are under no obligation to give up something you rightfully earned to a crying child. Especially to a crying child. Had they given him the ball just to get him to stop being a brat, they would have been rewarding a negative behavior and sending a bad message to this kid and all youngsters in the audience. Yes, it would have been very nice if they had voluntarily offered him the ball, but it is not a requirement. What if they have kids or grandkids of their own to whom they would give the ball? Maybe they just wanted the ball as a keepsake to their evening. And when this kid grows up and takes his own kid to a game is he going to tell him that he got a ball by crying like a baby until someone pitied him.

Song of the Week

"Thinking About You" - Frank Ocean
No relation to Billy. Neither of their real last names is Ocean. I love this young cat though. I love falsetto, but sometimes it's too much, so I love the way he flips it back and forth. The video is a little weird. I'm just not into this whole zombie craze.

Who Wore It Best?

Who wore this Larry Fitzgerald jersey and black thong better, The Poop or Bibi Jones?

I could have sworn I posted this months ago when Bibi Jones was in the news, but I guess I didn't.

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,781

Everyday when I get my car from the garage I tip the parking attendant a dollar. Sometimes it's a pain to find enough singles, so I just go to the bank and ask for $100 singles. I tossed the bundle at Mrs. Poop. She ripped the paper ring holding the bills together. She apologized saying "I was having fun. I was making it rain."

Who Was In This Car?

I was driving home on the streets of Manhattan when on 49th St. I got behind a Bentley. You always notice a Bentley, right? But this one had Miami Heat license plates that also said something about American Airlines Arena. What was this car doing in New York? And who was in it? Had to be either the owner, Pat Riley, Dwyane Wade or LeBron James, right?

I Told You So

To the doubters who didn't see the resemblance between Hollie Cavanagh and Amanda Leatherman I don't care what you think, because obviously Amanda Leatherman herself sees it.

Song of the Week

"Somebody I Used to Know" - Gotye
This song is hauntingly beautiful. Mrs. Poop has been playing it non-stop.

Cryin Wolf

There is real racism in this country. There are stereotypes that diminish groups and hurt feelings. Say black people like fried chicken is not one of them. Jewish people traditionally eat matzo ball soup. Italians enjoy pasta. Japanese people eat sushi. Black people eat soul food, including fried chicken and collard greens.
So why are people upset about this Burger King ad starring Mary J Blige.



Evidently to some this commercial reinforces the harmful stgereotypes that black people like to sing and dance and eat fried chicken. Blige says she thought the ad was going to be a dream sequence. Not sure how that would change it. And not sure why she agreed to sing those lyrics if they were so hurtful.

Ain't No Piece of Ass Worth 4300 Text Messages

Arkansas Bobby Petrino brought down in an embarrassing text and sex scandal. Petrino got into a horrible motorcycle accident and told everyone that he was riding alone. He wasn't. The 51-year-old Petrino had his 25-year-old mistress on the back. She was unhurt. But when the truth finally came out not only was it revealed that Petrino was having an affair with Jessica Dorell, we found out he hired her for a job with the football team, just a week earlier, choosing her over 158 other candidates. And she was engaged to some other dude who worked in the athletic department. Their wedding webpage was immediately defiled.






Sure Petrino is a jerk. For cheating on his wife. For using his power to get his girlfriend a job. For lying to his boss about it. For leaving the Falcons in the middle of the season. But the most embarrassing is that he and Dorrell exchanged 4300 text messages of the length of their affair. Is he a fuckin teenage girl? I thought the best part about these affairs is that you don't actually have to talk to the mistress because you might get caught. And Dorrell wasn't the only hot young slut Petrino was texting.

This is Alison Medler:





She's a bikini model/bikini contest winner, I can see why. Petrino also sent her 200 text messages, and it was mutual because she sent him 7 pictures (wish we could see those) over this two month period.

In summary Bobby Petrino is a piece of shit and it's a shame these hot young girls fall for him, especially Dorrell who basically ruined her whole life for this scumbag.

Song of the Week

"Frozen" - Slick Rick featuring Raekwon
Quite simply one of the dopest beats in hip-hop history.

No Broken Glass

For the past four years I have been smelling sweet and have never had to clean up broken glass. That's because, despite my loss in this poll I stuck to my guns and kept my brand new, at the time, cologne in the box, so were it ever to fall, it would not break.
Now that bottle (box) of cologne is empty. And when Mrs. Poop buys me a new bottle for my birthday or hopefully Father's Day since that comes first (inside joke for Damino and me) I will keep that in the box in the medicine cabinet and write about it again in four years.

Walk-Out Music

It's Opening Day so across the country lead-off hitters are coming to the plate to the current cheesy pop hits.
If I were a baseball player, I'd probably bat second and be a high on-base, low slugging guy, I would want the PA to play "Let's Go By Trick Daddy" before each of my at bats:



Combine the Ozzy Osbourne "Crazy Train" sample, with a good bassline and Trick Daddy's aggressive lyrics, that is guaranteed to get the heart of the lineup fired up.

But if I were a closer I would want something a little more intimidating. I like "Shut Em Down" by Onyx. That should intimidate the opposing hitters:



Imagine running out of the bullpen with that song playing.

Please post your own preferences in the comments section. And include the link to the youtube videos.

Song of the Week

"What Makes You Beautiful" - One Direction
A pretty cool pop song. One day on my way to work I noticed the neighborhood was packed with tweens and teenyboppers, all because these young cats were playing a free concert on "The Today Show."

Why the Long Face? You Won

Congratulations to Reissberg on his victory in this year's Tournament Challenge group. His 1440 points put him in the top 2.6% nationally, tied for 166,057th place. He was one of 10 (nearly half our group) to pick the champion correctly. He narrowly edged out Dylan, whose brother Evan would have won if Kansas had pulled off the upset.
In third place is some random entry followed by Mrs. Poop in 4th.
Mrs. Poop is a force in this contest, winning in 2011 & 2009.
2008 was another heart-breaking year for poor Evan, who lost to his father when Kansas (those bastards) pulled off a miracle against Memphis.
In 2007, Michael was the champion. The once great Michael has fallen to embarrassing levels, finished 20th out of 21 this year.
I did not keep accurate records so I don't know who won in 2010. But from now on I will post the list so we can look back at past performance.

Three New Favorite Players for 2012

Brandon Phillips - I was watching one of those shows on MLB Network where they have players wired for sound. Phillips aka B-Peezy was singing "damn damn damn James" in the dugout. Any Poophead worth his or her salt knows that is the refrain from my favorite song, "Spottieottiedopaliscious."

Drew Pomeranz - Three weeks after undergoing an emergency appendectomy in August, he was back on the mound. And he actually pitched 5 scoreless innings in his Major League debut. When I had my appendix out I was itching my belly button for two months after.

Zach Wheeler - For years I have been pushing the Mets to dump their overpaid, underproducing stars for top-notch minor league prospects. Though the Mets lack the stomach to go full bore into rebuilding mode (because they have to please the papers and Fat Francesa), they did get a highly-regarded pitching prospect for Carlos Beltran.

The End of the Madness

March comes in like a lion, and out like a lamb. And when it goes it leaves behind two of the best two weeks of the year. But time marches on and when April comes we are left with just two teams.
And this year, unlike last when a slew of upsets led to one of the worst title games in years, the title game features two very good teams, and tons of good players.
Though we expect Kentucky to win, Kansas at least has a puncher's chance.
The same is true on the women's side where a juggernaut Baylor, led by an unattractive star (Brittney Griner) faces off against a good team, that is still a big underdog, Notre Dame, led by the lovely Skylar Diggins.
Which led me concoct this very clever yet very poorly done photoshop essay. Please judge it only on the humor, not on the workmanship.



The Poop is proud to announce over the weekend we got roughly 4,000 hits all from people who want to fuck Skylar Diggins or pluck Anthony Davis.

2012 Baseball Season Predictions

A new wrinkle this season with the addition of one wild card in each league. So when you list your wild cards put an "over" between and we'll know who you think will win the one game playoffs.

JLeary dominated this contest last year correctly guessing Ryan Braun as MVP, Jeremy Hellickson as Rookie of the Year and Joe Maddon as manager of the year. This season I will not let that little shit win.

NL East: Philadelphia Phillies
NL Central: Cincinnati Reds
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Wild Cards: Miami Marlins over Washington Nationals
NLCS: Philadelphia Phillies over Cincinnati Reds

AL East: New York Yankees
AL Central: Detroit Tigers
AL West: Los Angeles Angels
AL Wild Cards: Texas Rangers over Tampa Bay Rays
ALCS: Los Angeles Angels over Texas Rangers

World Series: Philadelphia Phillies over Los Angeles Angels

NL MVP: Matt Kemp
AL MVP: Albert Pooh Holes
NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay
AL Cy Young: Jered Weaver
NL Rookie of the Year: Bryce Harper
AL Rookie of the Year: Matt Moore
NL Manager of the Year: Davey Johnson
AL Manager of the Year: Jim Leyland

Bill Self's First Phone Call Should be to Ray Lewis

Here's Ray Lewis's pregame speech to Stanford helping them win the NIT. It wasn't such a great speech, parts of it are incoherent but I just think people are afraid to disappoint Ray Lewis.